Thursday, January 02, 2014

The Twelve Days of Gheorghemas: Day 11

On the 11th Day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorghe gave to me . . .

Eleven Months of Awesome
Nothing. Not a Single Thing.
Nine Gifts for Friends 
Seven Books for Reading
Six cocktails

Five gooooals / things  
Four legal mic drops  
Three critters and an otter  
Two names for naming  
And a fat guy in a jer-sey

Before we get to the giving of the big fella's gifts, a celebration is in order. Technically, it was in order seven weeks ago, but as is the way with so many things in this organization we were far too drunk/lazy/apathetic/dumb to realize it. On November 7, 2013, we (should've) celebrated the 10th Anniversary of this corner of the blogosphere. I'm alternately stunned and pleased that we've managed to not only survive ten years, but in many measures (not the least of which is a camaraderie that I really, no shit, enjoy daily) thrive (have we mentioned that we interviewed LeBron James and the radio voice of VCU Basketball, and that we're thisclose to interviewing T.J. Quinn?).

So where were you the day Gheorghe: The Blog was born? Hell if I can remember that long ago, but I do know where we were exactly ten years later. We were reading one of the year's best posts, zman's epic recollection of both his high school hoopty and the first time he heard Wu-Tang. I would've guessed that the 10th Anniversary post would've been a lot dumber.

Here are the other things we read this year that made us laugh, think, and cry (I don't actually think anything we wrote this year made anyone cry, other than our high school English teachers, but I don't miss a chance to quote Jimmy V):


We kicked the year off in rousing style, dropping 32 posts, the most of any month this year. With a few noteworthy exceptions (including TR's hard, no-signal turn towards the deviant), we also brought some seriously high-quality content.

Our first post of the year was a Wrenball post, the first of five during the month, celebrating a close loss. If that don't tell a story...

New poster Danimal wasted no time posting dubious filler. He fit right in.

Of course, in his second post, Danimal picked Notre Dame to beat Alabama. He might not be all that bright.

Bob Dorough brought the Schoolhouse Rock.

Zman foreshadowed his year of jurisprudence chronicles with an overview of Ricky Williams' legal entanglements with his tattoo artist.

Our other new staff member weighed in as well, when Marls reprised Rerun's gambling strategy.

Dave broke new Gheorghemas ground (and invented a reason for us to not feel bad if we don't finish the 12 Days by 12/31) by adding a 13th Day and extending the season into mid-January.

Clarence took the mic from Mark and Z temporarily, dropping a list of his formative hip-hop jams.

Largely outside the confines of this virtual space, January also saw the Teej head abroad and Whitney enter into the bonds of Holy Matrimony. We alluded to both in a limited bloggy fashion, but you really had to be there in person to catch the sartorial splendor that accompanied each event.

We also caught sight of the largest structure ever observed. It was not, contrary to popular belief, Clarence's liver.

Finally, we saw the future, and it looked like a rugby ball. Well, it featured a rugby ball, to the detriment of a football. It looked sorta like the guy in the picture above. Which is to say, awesome.


We kept up the pace in the year's second month, posting at a greater than one-per-day clip. Our quality control editor, however, may have taken the first part of the month off. Groove was in our hearts, though, as fully

Mark finally righted the ship with a solid review of National Signing Day, football version.

TR and Zman went back-to-back with musical life lessons.

Just a pair of guys out on the town, with gay ice cream and unicorns.

Marls broke news about breaking wind.

We said goodbye to Williamsburg legend Bob Sheeran. Woop Woop.

It's hard not to read a headline that includes the words, 'Two Great Smut Heists'. I bet you click the link.

We closed the month with a celebration of our democracy, in which I found Antonin Scalia likeable. For a prick.


Like February, it took us a while to get up to speed in winter's final month. There was some Wu-Tang art filler, and a Danimal story about peeing on a ferry, but we didn't get moving until we extended a gastronomic challenge.

On consecutive days, we said goodbye to Elena Delle Donne (college version) and the asshole-free 2012-13 Wrens (who didn't make the NCAA Tournament, in case you were still in suspense).

This video of a dancing mountain man/park ranger was one of my favorites of this or any year.

Teej celebrated the papal election. Of course he did.

In which Zman compared himself to Jesus. Automotively, anyway.

I recounted one of the great achievements in sports spectating. And filth.

Marls accepted the aforementioned challenge, cementing his credentials for induction into the Mensch Hall of Fame.

The always popular Music Mondays with Shlara returned with a P!NK feature, which was followed by Clarence's review of an Old 97s show that was followed by a feat of amazing drunken dexterity by Dave.

Mark offered the other side of buzzer-beating bedlam.

Gheorghe: The Art Gallery hosted a joint show featuring works by George W. Bush

We managed to shoehorn gay marriage and World Cup qualifying into a single, unified post. We're breaking ground every day here, folks.

And we finished the month in inimitable style:


I guess I lied about not making anyone cry this year. I miss my Grandma.

Squirrel Week proceeded apace, always one of the year's highlights.

A new FOGTB went barefoot for kids. To benefit kids, really - she didn't actually want to have kids.

Dana Perino engaged Jay Z in a rap battle. Amazingly, this was only 317th on the list of preposterously stupid things that happened in American politics in 2013.

Zman, FOGTB Clarence, FOGTB, Half-Dave, FOGTB, Marls!
The Moving Rocks announced the release of their first album. Ish.

We had a personal connection to the Boston Marathon bombing. His reaction and that of the entire Boston community said volumes about our resilience and strength as a society.

Teejay and I interviewed VCU basketball's new radio color analyst, further insinuating ourselves into the fabric of American sports. We're kinda the Cousin Eddie of collegiate athletics.

Full. Frontal. Nudity. (Of the male variety.)

Zman broke down the Bills draft history. No, really.

We celebrated DC's best gay sports bar. No big deal.


Abe! Maple!
The fourth and fifth months of the year were notable for both the low volume of posts and high concentration of musical filler. 48 posts over two months, sheesh. At least our on-base percentage was high.

In addition to our undeniable influence on the world of sports (really, at this point Grantland should be paying us royalties), we found evidence of our growing reputation as scientific tastemakers.

Clarence rescued us from another in the seemingly endless series of posts highlighting the asshattery of South Carolina's political elites with a travelogue detailing Brevard, North Carolina's White Squirrel Festival.

Just your everyday classical/doom-thrash violinist.

FOGTB Work Jerry von Dumbarton's wife is a badass. Also, fuck cancer with a brick.

We dropped the first of many (!) posts on W&M baseball, as the Tribe Nine had the best season in school history. Pantsless and Stirrupless Griffins, ride!


More Tribe baseball! Less pants!

long underwear man looks suspiciously like rob!
The Teej got us on the NSA's shit list. Along with everyone else.

TR posted a picture of a ballsack. Because, TR.

He made up for it by introducing us to a new game.

We had a music-based guestie from someone named Whitney. Never heard of her.

Summer Dave returned with an opus on deception and chicanery in sports, which gave him an excuse to post several pictures of alluring, semi-clad (and in once case, overclad) ladies.

Mark offered his annual NBA Draft preview. Tons of upside.

Love wins.

And the winner of the year's worst-formatted post is: Summer Dave's exposition on the 8 types of RISK players.


Some dumbass posted a video clip in July that automatically launched when G:TB opened. This was annoying enough at the time, but imagine your displeasure if you had to repeatedly return to July's entries for the sake of compiling a 'best of' post (and it was a really terrific month for the Gheorghies). So forgive me if I forgot one of your faves from the first full month of summer.

Robert Littell kicked off the month with advice for young men. Of greatest importance to us, this admonition: "American social habits being what they are, there is one indoor skill which seems to me not only far more important than bridge or dancing, but actually compulsory — drinking."

We were willing to overlook an unfortunate admission regarding sodomy and a bowling ball because we otherwise enjoyed Summer Dave's discussion of the relative merits of regular and candlepin bowling so much.

Zman's preview of the Wimbledon Gentleman's Final touched on topics as diverse as fashion, Irvine Welsh, MNDR, Austin Powers. It was none the worse for entirely whiffing on the outcome.

Bull flatulence and Bernie Madoff.

We had a measured take on Adidas' new Springblade line of running shoes. To wit, "The shoe will immediately serve to identify poseurs who have both way too much disposable income and a substantial need to have people make fun of them behind their backs."

Summer Dave inadvertently hit upon the essence of America's worsening income inequality crisis. And the universal appeal of a babe on a motorcycle.

Ricky Gervais, productivity guru.

Zman's sneaker game: better than Adidas'.

Postulated: Jason Kidd should be better at driving drunk.

In a rare and must-read serious post, Zman talked about the links between the Trayvon Martin tragedy and his own life experience.

Which Dave subtly mocked in the best/stupidest Gheorghian manner.

Mark went back in time with Souls of Mischief.

Several of us took a field trip to catch some Kenner League hoops action.

July, you sweaty minx. Hard not to name you the G:TB Month of the Year.


This was a long way to go to tell us that you like Warren Sapp.

Bilas loves Gheorghe.

(Okay, some really weird shit's gone down here. Nearly all of the videos we posted in August have been transposed into the wrong posts. The Large Hadron Collider's been shut down for months. You guys don't think...? It does make for some fun juxtapositions, though.)

Carnivorous Swedish fish are coming after your testicles, and all I can do is stare at the supermodel in this post.

We posted no pictures of Mark this year, so more Danimal!
And this man is a molder of young minds.

132-lb scrotum. Guess who posted this one?

We welcomed Fat Guy in a Speedo to our list of distinguished guest posters.

Fuck having a lawn. Fuck it right in the earhole.

On 8/26, Shlara celebrated 826. And gave us a picture of Zooey.

We published a very long overdue celebration of Tim Kurkjian. Timmy! (In researching this piece, I found that ESPN has compiled a full list of 'Scott Van Pelt Making Timmy Laugh' moments. And Deadspin put together a supercut that is guaranteed to make you laugh until you cry.)

We inaugurated the, um, inaugural edition of Danimal and Mark's 'To the Pain' college football picks. It should probably be Mark and Danimal's college football picks, actually.


Teejay/Gheorghe Does NASCAR.

Doug Fister coming to D.C. will ensure more of these.

We lose a lot of nukes. No big deal.

A two-part series, in which we learn way too much about Zman's penis (zpenis, as it were) and just enough about Dan Snyder's legal outlook with respect to his team's name.

Apparently Mark doesn't read much G:TB.

You can brew beer in your own belly, apparently.


Bills! Browns! Why?

Among the finest President's Cup previews anywhere in the blogosphere, courtesy of Wheelhouse Geoff.

Ragnar nearly killed me, so I went to Chvrch.

Bobby Valentine gave the Teej a buttpat. And we watched a movie.

Zman loves charts. About football.

We were forced to break out the 'bunch of fucking slackers' tag.

But the Red Sox won the World Series, and everything was awesome. Even the hangover.


I'm running out of steam here - you guys wrote a lot of words this year. But this little master is inspired by another, so we'll finish this thing out right.

Clarence gave us part one of a five-part series on punk rock. It was awesome. And likely the only part we'll ever see.

TR came thisclose to fingerblasting Aidy Bryant.

The Pope, he's Gheorghey.

So is George Dennehy.

I heard a great Harry Redknapp story, something we'll never, ever see again in big-time sports.

Quinn McDowell, D-League superstar. (Note: may not actually be a superstar, though he did go for 7 and 4 in a loss to Texas two weeks ago.)

339 posts all told in 2013, up 6.8% (I tried, really) from 2012. And as you can see, at least a few of them were more than just filler and dipshittery. Alright, were more than just filler. Here's to the next 10 years of Gheorgedom.


T.J. said...

pretty active day at gtb

rob said...

people are still trying to get through the entire post

zman said...

I will pay $5 to anyone willing to shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery. Eff the flu.

Danimal said...

make it $3 z and you got a deal

Danimal said...

jk. happy new year.

T.J. said...

Go read Chris Kluwe's evisceration of Vikings management, particularly some guy named Mike Priefer, on Deadspin.

It is worth your time.

Danimal said...

"Oh fuck" says Mike Priefer.
Sucks for Kluwe...didn't realize he didn't get picked up this past year. The owner should get him back in.

rob said...

'oh, goody!', says mike priefer's lawyer.

rob said...

except that nobody over the age of 4 really says 'goody!'

Mark said...

Remember the Mom who was really bent out of shape when he kid picked Bama over LSU a couple of years ago? She has another son who's a 5 star defensive lineman and he just committed to Florida. She was still less than pleased but faked it a little better this time.

zman said...

It's odd to be bummed out abou getting free college educations for both your kids, especially when they might end up playing pro sports as a result.

mr kq said...

Awesome post, hope to finish reading in 2014. Although how is it possible that you appear shorter in photo than in person? Must be the strategic positioning of the sluggos.

rob said...

the cape subtracts 3 inches

rob said...

what's the alabama/oklahoma line?

Danimal said...

17 rob....hope to have something up momentarily

T.J. said...

we have yet another picks post up