Tuesday, November 30, 2004

So Brilliant, I Wish I'd Thought of It

This might sound crazy, but hear me out. I think Gary Bettman's very quietly planning one of the most fiendishly clever marketing ploys in the history of professional sports. He, like all adult males in the Northern Hemisphere, understands that regular season NHL hockey is only slightly more interesting than watching a 'Murder She Wrote' marathon on the Oxygen network. He also understands that playoff NHL hockey, and more specifically overtime playoff hockey, is one of the most thrilling spectator events known to man.

So, be not surprised when Bettman announces (at halftime of the Kobe/Shaq Xmas afternoon tilt - I cannot believe T.J. hasn't mentioned this yet) that the NHL will in fact return this season, only in the form of a 16-team, overtime-only, best-of-7 tournament. Everybody wins - the league, because they get to market the only good thing they've got going; the players, because they get to stop shaving again for a few weeks; the fans, because, well, because it's overtime playoff hockey, dammit; and Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, Barry Melrose, and the Moose Jaw Mullet Factory because they get to be gainfully employed for at least a few weeks.

Genius, I'm telling you. Now if I could only get those morons at the BCS to return my calls.

Lifetime: Television for Idiots

The MNF game barely kept me entertained last night, but a few things stuck out:
- Besides being known as the guy Warren Sapp absolutely blindsided/pancaked, isn't Chad Clifton Andy Kauffman's alter ego on stage?
- OK, come on R-Kal Truluck, what's your real name? He's gotta be the pride of SUNY Cortland.
- Didn't Steven Seagal kill Al Harris and, in a shocking plot twist (wink, wink), his evil twin at the end of Marked for Death?

ACC/Big Ten Challenge continues tonight with 4 games. Look for Michigan State to go on the road and upset a thin and overrated (in my humble opinion) Duke squad tonight. And look for me to quickly delete that sentence tomorrow morning if Duke wins by 30.

Ty Willingham got canned today. If you listen hard enough, you can hear Ralph Wiley ranting from six feet under, and if Jason Whitlock can clean the Funyon and Twinkie crumbs off his keyboard, I give it 18 hours before his first pro-Ty article is posted. Hell, Stephen A. Smith just polished off a 1,500 word column for tomorrow's Philadelphia Inquirer, complete with references to Denny Green, Dolemite, and Greg Anthony's mother.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Man does work suck after a 5 day weekend

Was I in a food coma, or is Barry Pepper (a sublime Roger Maris) playing Dale Earnhardt in ESPN's "3"? I could've sworn the first time ESPN trotted out these commercials (4 months ago), George Eads from CSI was playing Earnhardt. Did they dump his ass and re-film the movie? Am I crazy? Does anyone either know what I'm talking about or care? Bueller...Bueller...

If you're looking for a good laugh on this Monday morning, check out this quote from Ricky Williams, pulled from Peter King's MMQB:
"At least I quit before all the fantasy drafts. Let's face it: If I'd quit after the drafts, the fans would all hate me." -- Ricky Williams, talking to SI.com's Mike Silver.

GTB's "Gheorghe of the Week" - Let's give it to Syracuse "back-up" RB "Neil" Diamond Ferri (CFB Name of the Year?), who absolutely dropped the hammer on Boston College Saturday. Ferri is actually the Cuse's starting SS, and when pressed into action Saturday at RB, he ran for 140 yards, 2 scores, and even threw in an interception return for a TD in the 43-17 throttling of the Eagles (and yes, because I was at home in lovely Latham, NY, I saw every minute of this game). Syracuse Coach Paul Pasqualoni said the kid was on the field for 125 snaps (and he might've saved Paul's job in the process). Well done Diamond. Well done.

The NHL? What's that? If you were curious what you're favorite hockey player is up to, a couple of updates for you: Darren McCarty is touring with his Detroit-based rock band, Grinder. If you're in Sault Ste. Marie Friday night maybe you can catch them. Chris Chelios is now a member of the Greek bobsled team. I didn't make that up. Seriously.

My only reader west of the Mississippi (in Eugene, OR no less) will be very disappointed to learn that the customers at the Latham Farms McDonald's now make the "cast" of Cops look like Mensa members. There apparently is also a new hiring policy requiring two front teeth to be missing on all cashiers (must be a Christmas season thing). The Union Station McD's now has some competition for worst McDonald's in the United States.

Whit (and Jerry), enjoy the Pedro Martinez Era at Shea.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly

Thanksgiving ahoy. Enjoy the much needed days off, and obscene amounts of food...

Just over a year ago, Rob Russell started this blog, giving himself something to do in the baseball offseason, and thankfully giving me something to do other than ponder suicide at work. In honor of Thanksgiving, a thank you to Ye Ole Red Sox Fan, and a brief GTB history lesson. (I mean, is this as bad as those sitcom flashback episodes? Hmm, perhaps...) In light of the Malice at the Palace and the Clemson/South Carolina melee, sports are taking a beating in both the media and the court (and gridiron) of public opinion. That's why we need Gheorghe, or at least more like him. I'll let Rob take this (this post was written just over a year ago)...

"Mission Statement, or What's a Gheorghe, and Why Should I Care?

I don't trust anyone that can't laugh at himself. I think that Crash Davis was dead on, right up until he started talking about Susan Sontag, at which point I tuned out. I'm hopelessly addicted to the Boston Red Sox, even though I know it's not good for me. I believe that sports, like society at large, is full of self-important, egomaniacal windbags at all levels, and I intend to use this space to tilt at the windmills that threaten to suck all of the joy out of the things that I love.

This space is named, with love, for the most fun athlete ever to draw a paycheck from a professional franchise. Gheorghe Muresan, late of the Washington Bullets and New Jersey Nets, stood 7'7" and weighed 330+ pounds. He shuffled around a basketball court like a slightly more mobile version of Frankenstein's monster, with a splay-footed gait and elbows and knees that flailed about as if independently operated. His face was a Mr. Potato Head set gone bad, with a massive, bulbous nose, thick eyebrows, and a prominent forehead that betrayed his pituitary disease. He played a handful of NBA seasons with a modicum of success, being honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player in 1997-98. Most importantly, though, he played basketball and approached life with a pure, unadulterated joy that was, and is, unmatched by any other professional athlete.

Gheorghe's spirit and the joy with which he appears to approach life offer lessons for all of us about the important things. This space will celebrate those in sports and elsewhere that live with Gheorgheness, and skewer those that think they are more important than the game - be it sports or life. Gheorghe: The Internet Magazine, had a brief, meteoric run several years ago, flaming to earth in a blaze of apathy amidst rampant rumors of financial mismanagement. Gheorghe: The Blog rises like a phoenix from the ashes, or at least like a Weeble, to carry on the Gheorghian mission.

GTB's diminutive wordsmith continues with examples...
To borrow - liberally - from a much more accomplished man, I can't define Gheorgheness, but I know it when I see it. Jon Stewart's got a whole heaping mound of Gheorgheness. Dan Snyder (or, as he'll come to be known in this space, Little Danny Starfucker) is the antithesis of Gheorghe. John Riggins has a PhD in Gheorgheness. George Will is a George, but not a Gheorghe. Yao's a little bit Gheorghy, but Kobe's not. Kevin Millar teaches Gheorghe 101 in Boston, but Roger Clemens flunked out of the course. Emeril Lagasse seems to know which wine goes best with Gheorghe. Mark Cuban's thinking about making Gheorghe an honorary Maverick.

I can't think of a single politician with Gheorgheness, though Dennis Kucinich is really funny-looking. Stewart Scott aspires to Gheorgheness, but he's so fake that he can't pull it off. Rich Eisen can, though. Too bad he's dead. Well, taken a job at the NFL Network - 6 one, 1/2 dozen the other. Dennis Miller used to be chock full of hearty Gheorgheness, then he took a hard right turn and became a caricature. Michael Moore is so far from Gheorghe that he might as well be a short, fat, humorless troll. Oh. That simile ran smack into the wall of reality, didn't it?

Jack Black is the high priest of Gheorghe, attended by his happy alcolyte, Jeremy Piven. But not by John Favreau, David Spade, or Colin Quinn. The Kids in the Hall gaily genuflect to Gheorghe while they get Girl Drink Drunk. Sting's got more anti-Gheorghe in his pinky than Bruce Springsteen does in his whole family, though, to be sure, I still like both of their music. And speaking of music, the Wiggles are thinking about making Gheorghe a new recurring character - Greg will pull him out of the magic hat."

Why the hell am I posting all this now? Is it because I wanted to post something before the long holiday weekend and was completely bereft of original thoughts? Quite possibly. However, I also felt it might be time to start highlighting the Gheorgheness (damn that's a pain in the ass to spell) in the world, be it sports or anything else. Sounds like a good plan, no? (I mean, there's no chance I can stick to it, but what the hell)

Monday, November 22, 2004

I Don't Want Your Life

Protester causes melee at DC baseball name unveiling

Mon Nov 22 2004 13:00:00 ET

Baseball's big party got thrown a curveball before it even began. Officials from the sports world and the city government were in Union Station today to confirm what was already widely known -- that the Expos are being re-named the Washington Nationals. But before the media event got underway, D-C Statehood Green Party member Adam Eidinger jumped onto the stage holding a sign protesting Mayor Tony Williams' planned stadium deal. Eidinger was jumped by several men, including former Washington Senators announcer Charlie Brotman. A tussle ensued, and the podium nearly fell over, before security managed to drag Eidinger off stage.

Can't we all just get along?

It could be worse, his first name could be Kermit

So Ron Artest went and got himself suspended for the rest of the season, 73 games I think. I have nothing of substance to add, except that Ron just ended up killing my fantasy team. A 5th round steal, I drafted Ron to team up with such mental heavyweights as Gilbert Arenas, Bonzi Wells, and Zach Randolph. Artest was going to be the stabilizer. Now the team has no leader. It's a good thing I could care less about this league. That still won't stop me from bitching though.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Can I get a restock on Soap Boxes in Aisle 4?

Wow, if people thought the T.O. MNF skit garnered alot of attention, man are they in for a long fortnight. That Pacers/Pistons fiasco last night is going to get beaten to death by the media. I've watched alot of sports in my life, and that is by far the most ridiculous fight I have ever seen. Unreal.

(Quick aside - Nice of the South Carolina players to send Lou Holtz off in style. Good work fellas, Lou seemed mighty proud after the game.)

Friday, November 19, 2004

Food for Thought

Has anyone noticed that TJ Simspon just hasn't been the same carefree blogger since sometime in late October? Something changed him irreversibly. He's grown up and become a more responsible, serious, and unfortunately for Gheorghe, cyncial man. The rite of passage I speak of is, of course, his Yankees getting demoralized in a way we will likely never see any baseball franchise be demoralized ever again. That event seems to have wiped out the cheery spark that infiltrated every one of TJ's posts. He just isn't the same guy.

Oh, yeah, and he got engaged then, too. But I tend to think it's the Yankee thing.

The wheels on the bus go Garth, Garth, Garth

Now that, folks, is a joke for 2, back left, right by the kitchen. Menus please.

For my money, there is no better sitcom Thanksgiving episode than WKRP in Cincinnati's immortal "Turkey's Away" episode. Putting aside Gordon Jump's later role as a "very bad toucher" on Different Strokes, there is nothing funnier than Big Guy Carlson delivering the line "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly".

Is there any reason the Arizona Wildcats shouldn't immediately be absorbed by the NBA? Have you seen these guys play? This is the most athletically gifted and mentally challenged group south of the Blazers.

The 'Cuse looked great in the second half last night. Just wait until they have to enter the hallowed halls of the Pepsi "Don't Call Me Knickerbocker" Arena to play the Siena Saints in a week. Game on.

"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, or "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake?

I saw a great bumper sticker yesterday - WWBBJD - What Would Big Baby Jesus Do?
(OK, I made that last one up)

Thursday, November 18, 2004

McBad, and very McLate

I guess I'm both ripping off the SportsGuy's Daily Link column and trying to pretend I have readers, but anyway, a few thought provoking items have been sent via electronic mail to me lately...

Hell, if the Reunion tour can't work, training to be a paramedic is obviously the logical next step. Thanks to Nashville's only Black Sabbath fan for the tale of Diamond Dave becoming Defibrillator Dave .

Feel's like a Hardee's night? Well, if you're feeling mighty ambitious (and perhaps suicidal), try Steve's favorite snack, the "Monster Thickburger" - two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun - for only $5.49. This sold it for me:
In an interview on CNBC, Hardee's chief executive Andrew Puzder was unapologetic, saying the company's latest sandwich is "not a burger for tree-huggers."

For the record, I have absolutely, positively no desire to see Pedro Martinez as a New York Yankee, and I hope to god someone still has the power to keep George from signing him.

His name is Robert Paulson

Actually, I lied. His name is Steve Spurrier, and he is the new head football coach for the South Carolina Gamecocks. Steve, try not to trip over Lou Holtz's corpse on the way to your new office.

Is that Laron Profit's music?

The Wiz and Celts provided some quality entertainment last evening. Hated to see a Wiz victory in OT, but it is safe to say the Celtics have the worst shot selection of any team in the NBA. It was good to see that Tommy Googs is still alive, though his game is not. Ricky Davis, the huddle is this way pal, stop watching the Wiz dancers and wasted dudes on tricycles during time outs.

The highlight of the night though was seeing this blog's namesake sitting courtside. His face didn't even fit on the Jumbotron. Seriously. Gheorghe is the best.

Monday, November 15, 2004

Nice Sports Town for Us

Washingtonpost.com is running a brutal poll on its site asking voters to select which pro team will win the next championship in Washington. The obvious choice is the D.C.United, who picked up another MLS trophy yesterday, though only 55.6% of the 20,000+ voters targeted the United. Somehow, 43.9% (9,180 votes) believe the Caps will bring home the next title. Yes, that'd be the Washington Capitals, who may never play another game again. Beyond that, it's comical enough to make me think the numbers are screwed up. The Skins, despite playing in the parity-filled, up-and-down NFL, garnered just 39 votes (0.2%), probably because it's fresh in people's minds how awful they are, plus the Curse of Snyder. The Expos/Nationals received 33 votes, which seems optimistic in this era of baseball economics. The Mystics got 24 votes, which pretty much mirrors the number of fans at the last Mystics game. And then there are the Wizards . . . 6 votes, a Blutarsky-like percentage of 0.0. It's funny 'cause it's true, to quote a certain H. Simpson from Springfield.

Shortest post ever

R.I.P. O.D.B.

Friday, November 12, 2004

No the white phone

Attention Mike Swint: The McRib is back. I repeat, the McRib is back.

Why was Chuck Amato dressed like Starsky last night?

Hey Pierce Brosnan, saw your preview last night, and it looked OK. Unfortunately, I already saw it the first time, when it was called The Thomas Crown Affair (a very good, very underrated movie by the way).
That last barb was written by guest blogger David Spade.

The O.C. now just steals porn scenes? How fast can we rid ourselves of this lawn boy? How quickly can Whitney post a comment ripping the O.C.?

Quick show of hands - Who else liked Mr. Belvedere?

Um, we have the TV on at work right now, and if you haven't seen the absolute mob scene (and I do mean mob) over Arafat's body, find a way to see these pictures. Worst funeral procession ever.

Gee, who do you think has the edge in the Michael Jackson/Eminem war of words?

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Bad Idea Jeans

Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"...

Yep, you guessed it, expansion has come to Gheorghe. I've added a few links to the right, an eccentric group if ever there was one. Greg, so far, has Duffman saying very little. Whitney apparently doesn't have enough free time at work, so he waxes poetic about bands I've never heard of. Ah yes, and finally, Yoni, welcome aboard. Keep the college hoops coming, and how about an occasional "Billy Packer Sucks" post. That would be super. Hell, what's Chandy's blog? I'll throw her on here as well.

I'm so pissed I could kill someone

I am not a big fan of Blogger deleting very long posts I have just written. Speaking of killing someone...I haven't really touched on this yet because I'm not quite sure where I would put him in my Pantheon of Murderers (Whitney is cringing right now), but has anyone been following the Scott Peterson trial? It's an absolute circus as this point. Lance Ito ran a tighter ship than Judge Alfred Delucchi. If Johnnie Cochran and the Dream Team made you squirm, Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos is going to make you peel your skin off. In the last two days, two jurors have been dismissed, with yesterday's dismissal being the foreman. What a debacle.

I just ran across this too - good lord:
In another strange turn, a 14-foot boat similar to the one owned by Peterson has appeared in a parking lot about two blocks from the courthouse on property that CNN contributor Nancy Grace said is owned by Geragos.
Inside the boat, there are four cement weights, a weight belt and a headless dummy. Signs have been taped to the side of the boat -- one says, "RIP Laci and Conner You Are Missed," while another reads, "Murderer! Murderer!"

Juice, don't look now, but you've got some competition.

I knew I drafted this guy for a reason

Ron Artest is truly a piece of work. As it turns out, his current two game suspension by Coach Rick Carlisle was caused by Artest asking for some time off to rest up...for his rap album publicity tour. Two gems from Ron's press conference:

"Everything that happened wasn't too negative. I kind of surprised the team by wanting to take some games off..."
"They probably expected a little more; expected me to play every game. Everybody's different."

Now, I will give him that the NBA regular season is a huge joke, but still, come on buddy. How can you not expect people to jump on you for this? I guess the bigger question is whether Fu-Schnickens (yep, I looked up the spelling on that) gets any run on this album?

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch

This is how it's done in Orange County...
COSTA MESA, Calif. (AP) -- Seven-time NBA rebounding champion Dennis Rodman signed a contract with the Orange County Crush of the American Basketball Association on Wednesday.

I mean, does this sound appealing to anyone?

The cafeteria at work sells something called Aunt Flo's Country Fudge. Everytime I am at the register I don't know whether to laugh or vomit.

Jerry already took this one, but did anyone see the highlights of that Nets/Blazers shoot-out last night? Good god, what a debacle. The SportsCenter anchors were contractually obligated to mention that this game "set basketball back 50 years".

Right now I think I am leaning towards Tendercrisp over Spicy Tendercrisp in an 8th Round TKO.

Why do people say they're confused by the plot of "Mission: Impossible"? Is there something complex in there I completely missed? Does Coach Kilmer throw them off? Maybe it's because the last time they saw Kittridge he was deleting files from Jack Ryan's PC?

The 2004-2005 Men's College Basketball Season kicks off tomorrow night, and I couldn't be more excited. Three top 25 teams are in action, including the 6th-ranked Syracuse Orangemen (I refuse to call them the Orange) playing hated rival Northern Colorado. Should be epic. The Orangemen return Hakim Warrick, Gerry McNamara, Billy Edelin (he had an odd year last year), huge white stiff Craig Forth (finishing up the Jess Settles 8-year plan), and Wheelhouse fav Louie "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue" McCroskey, plus some others I've forgotten here. Cuse is one of about 12 teams with a chance to be cutting down the nets in St. Louis. Someone get Dickie V a sedative.

For my money, no one does a better Larry King impression than Larry King himself at 2:15am on Election Night. I thought Wolf Blitzer was going to hit him with a steel chair. (Yeah, this joke is a week old, but get over it)

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give...

...You're fuckin' up the rotation - To Quincy Carter, who is about 2 weeks away from completely fuckin' up the Jets playoff chances. And no, I'm not bitter at all about that loss to the Bills.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Now that is a refreshing beverage...

SEATTLE--Nov. 8, 2004--Jones Soda Co. announces today its limited edition holiday pack of five new seasonal flavors which includes: Green Bean Casserole Soda, Mashed Potato & Butter Soda, Fruitcake Soda, Cranberry Soda and Turkey & Gravy Soda.

I'm pretty sure the Turkey & Gravy Soda will ensure the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Wally, George O'Leary is on the phone for you

Wally Backman was manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks for less than a week.
The Arizona Republic reported on its Web site Friday that Backman, who got the job on Monday, had been fired.

Boy, that Jeff Moorad is sure running a smooth operation out West. And to think, they've now missed out on hiring Charlie Manuel. What a shame.

Can I help you Officer?

LONG BEACH, California (Ticker) - Olden Polynice, a 17-year NBA veteran who was waived last February by the Los Angeles Clippers, was named player-coach of the Long Beach Jam of the American Basketball Association on Friday.

By the way, I'm pretty sure this post is only funny to me. It wouldn't be the first.

Bring him home Sandy, Bring him home...

Poor Whitney's head is going to explode, as I am sure there will be much to read about the O.C. today. I will leave the analysis to the internet's resident TV addict, Michael Jack, over on Hot Action (or, if he continues to be lazy, the boys at the Wheelhouse). Needless to say, the O.C. is back, and I am happily along for the ride. Whit, it'll be my pleasure to discuss the plot intricacies with you over a few Coors Light. I hear the Silver Bullet is "The Coldest Tasting Beer in the World."

In other Thursday night news, I'm really sick of watching these boring Louisville games. How about a little something for the effort fellas?

Thursday, November 04, 2004

T.O., Baby!

Terrell Owens played the double murder card on Ray Lewis yesterday in the wake of the Ravens' linebackers complaints about Owens' Lewis-mocking end zone dance on Sunday. To which I say, about goddamn time. The NFL's glorification of Lewis annoys me to no end, with their celebration of his faux-warrior mentality and his over the top dogs-in-the-house, look-at-me-I'm-colorful persona. Let's be very clear here: Ray Lewis was - at the very least - involved in a senseless double murder. Maybe he didn't actually shove the knife into the victims, but he was there, and he knew who killed them, and he covered it up...until he rolled over to protect himself. Like a little bitch. Good for you, T.O.

Monday, November 01, 2004

This Is Me

I've found my new milieu: the Comments field. Once inspired to spew out focused essays with some semblance of a point (MLC just garnered its 500th post in the World Series), I'm now relegated to misguided cameo appearances on other people's vehicles, firing dim-witted, pseudo-clever attempts at humor which miss more than hit. Now looking my age, what was funny because of its faux-snobbery is now sadly smarmy. Ladies and gentleman, in the blog world . . . I am Chevy Chase.

This is why I don't do introspection. I'm better off thinking I'm the funniest, most brilliant addition to any site. Which, of course, I am.

Taking the bait

MLC co-founder and GTB contributor Whitney seemed sad and disappointed in today's Monday Musings. I'll bite. Real Simple subscriber Jennifer Wilson (otherwise known as the BH) will be dropping some dough on Martha Stewart's Wedding magazine in the next 12 months, as I asked her to marry me last Thursday evening. She kindly accepted. For the sake of my bank account, I hope we plan a wedding proportional to the amount of people who read this drivel. Now back to your regularly scheduled nonsense.

Monday Musings

These are in no particular order, and in fact, they might not even be funny or interesting, but oh well:

*I might hate T.O., but I got a big laugh out of the faux Ray Lewis dance. Now I just wonder if Ray will kill him. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

*Is Pedro Martinez gay, or at least leaning that way? I mean, what the hell was that dance he was doing with a cape on? A cape? I know he's "eccentric", but cape dances are just a tad fruity to me.

*I found Hell on Earth, and it's the Best Buy on Route 1. Worst Place Ever. Trained animals could run a tighter ship.

*Special thanks to my co-worker Chris for letting me steal his costume idea Saturday night. Roy Horn has never looked better, or bloodier (Hmm, if Pedro's gay for wearing a cape, am I gay for dressing like Roy Horn?)

*I guess there's a theme developing here, because it's almost college hoops time, and I am really looking forward to the Rudy Gay Era at UConn.

*OK, I can't help myself. If Ty Law is going to miss any time, he will be replaced in the lineup by Randall Gay. I heard he's great at tight man-to-man coverage.