Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Merry Christmas to All

and Have a Happy New Year too. I am off to the land of Magnum P.I. and cheesy Adam Sandler romantic comedies, with a nice 15 hour layover in Gil Grissom's hood. I've got the Sunblock 3000 packed and am ready to hit the beach fully clothed, looking like a suspect out of a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. I'm not sure I'm ready to be watching big time football games at 9am (or earlier), but I'll sure as hell give it a shot.

Monday, December 20, 2004

As a public service to lunatic Redskins fans out there...

(Courtesy of SportsTalk 980)

The Redskins can make the playoffs if...
Step 1: They win their final two games and...
Step 2: Carolina, New Orleans, and the N.Y. Giants lose at least once and...
Step 3: Either St. Louis loses to Philadelphia next Monday Night or Seattle loses its final two games.

*Note 1- The only two teams the Redskins would lose head-to-head wildcard tiebreakers with (at 7-9) are the Giants (because of a worse division record/Giants would be 3-3 versus the Skins at 2-4) and St. Louis if the Rams beat Philadelphia and lost to the Jets (because while the Rams and Skins would have identical conference records, the Rams would have a better record against common opponents).
**Note 2- There are two scenarios where the Redskins can be eliminated this week, even with a win in Dallas. They are as follows: a) if New Orleans and Carolina both win or b) if the Rams and Seattle both win...
***Note 3- There is a scenario where the Redskins can be in a “control their own destiny” situation going into the final week against Minnesota. That scenario is as follows: Redskins beat Dallas and New Orleans, Carolina, N.Y. Giants, and St. Louis all lose this weekend. If that happens, the Redskins would only need to beat Minnesota in the finale to clinch the NFC’s #6 spot.
****Note 4- If the Redskins advance to the playoffs…they would be the NFC’s #6-seed and would play at the #3-seed in the first round…the #3-seed will be the NFC North Champ…either Green Bay or Minnesota. By the way, there is no chance for the Redskins to grab the #5 spot.
*****Note 5- The Redskins are eliminated with a loss.

Norv Turner, Captain of the Titanic

Oakland Raiders cornerback Charles Woodson and safety Marques Anderson were arrested early Monday morning by Oakland police for public intoxication, the Oakland police department confirmed to ESPN.
Woodson and Anderson were taken into custody at approximately 4:20 a.m. (local time), when a female driving a car with both men as passengers waved down a police officer, according to the police report. The female told the officer that the two men in the back seat had refused to get out of her car.
The police officer found that Woodson and Anderson "smelled of alcohol with bloodshot eyes" and asked them to step out of the car, according to Danielle Ashford, public information officer for the Oakland PD.

Now why oh why would they have bloodshot eyes at 4:20am?

Moving right along...
-T.O. is most likely done for the year. That's a crying shame, to have something like that happen to such a nice guy. The Iggles are so done it's not even funny.
- I saw more guys fumble at the goal line yesterday than I ever have in one day's worth of highlights. Good lord fellas, hold onto the ball.
- Apparently Dan Marino is mentoring Rick Majerus on how to take a job and not really mean it. Great work fatty.
- Speaking of Dan Marino, I'm looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts.
- From today's New York Post:
"We'd like to add a piece right now," Nets GM Ed Stefanski said. "We have to research and explore for a big man but there's no name awaiting us." Some are longshots, such as free agent Jerome Moiso; some are virtually impossible to get, such as Washington's Kwame Brown; some hold little appeal for the Nets, such as Houston's Maurice Taylor. Toronto's Donyell Marshall is a name the Nets will explore even though he's a free agent this summer.
OK look at the bolded sentence. Two questions here - (1) How much do the Nets suck? and (2) How much do the guys on this list suck? What does it tell you about the quest for size in the NBA that Jerome Moiso is a longshot pick up, and Kwame Brown is untouchable? Kwame Brown, untouchable? You have got to be kidding me.

Friday, December 17, 2004

What, no fava beans and a nice chianti?

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days.
Police found Gumaro de Dios Arias grilling rotting human flesh for his breakfast, including part of a heart, when they raided a shack he lived in near the Caribbean beach resort of Playa del Carmen, a police chief said on Wednesday.

Yet another reason why Mexico is the worst place on earth.

I'll take "Triple Bypass" for $400 Alex

Deep-fried Mars bar taking Scotland by storm
Thu Dec 16, 9:45 AM ET
PARIS (AFP) - The deep-fried Mars bar, a nutritionist's nightmare that surfaced in Scotland about a decade ago, is now an established part of the Scottish culinary scene, according to a letter published in The Lancet.

Dipped in batter and then cooked in hot oil, the Mars bar is now on sale in more than a fifth of Scotland's 627 fish-and-chip shops, it says.

Now I don't know much about the Scottish culinary experience, but is this like telling me I could go to Long John Silver's and get my 2 Fish & 3 Chicken Planks (add 12 hushpuppies) meal with a deep-fried Mars bar on the side? If so, where do I sign up?

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Don't buy those season tickets just yet

Huge shocker, there could be yet another wrench in the plans to bring baseball to DC. This Linda Cropp woman is really starting to get on my nerves. I fully expect some kind of rant out of Whitney by lunchtime, be it here or at MLC.

MLB expected to reject ballpark financing plan
WASHINGTON -- Baseball fans in the nation's capital might not have long to cheer their new team.
The District of Columbia Council voted 7-6 Tuesday night to approve legislation that would finance construction of a ballpark. But it contained a provision that could cause the baseball commissioner's office to reopen the search for a long-term home for the franchise.

The legislation was amended to require private financing for at least half the stadium construction costs, a provision not contained in the September agreement between baseball and Washington Mayor Anthony A. Williams.

And the anti-christ Cropp had this to say:
"I am not trying to kill the deal," said council chair Linda W. Cropp, who introduced the private financing measure. "I'm putting some teeth in it because I'm really disappointed with what I got from Major League Baseball."

Monday, December 13, 2004

Silent Night, Wasted Night

Having used up all my pain-free hangovers sometime in 1998, it has taken me almost 48 hours to recover from yet another fantastic Santa Stumble. Who knew dressing up like Santa and getting absolutely hammered was such a good time? (well, for one, GTB contributor Whitney)

A quick peek at the NBA standings shows the Washington Wizards owning the second best record in the atrocious Eastern Conference. The Wiz had a 2-0 weekend beating Atlantic Division “leader” NY (10-10 on the season) and the absolutely brutal New Orleans Hornets (1-18 on the season). I mean, the Hornets couldn’t beat Lumpless Gravy at this point. Case of Coors Light here I come.

Christmas came early for the Baltimore Ravens and Kyle Boller yesterday, courtesy of the NY Giants. Good lord, the Giants made Boller look like Johnny Unitas for 3 hours.

OK, can all the Redskins playoff talk stop now? Please? And can someone please ask Patrick “Headache Smith” Ramsey if he’s tanking games on purpose?

Wow, that Browns offense is good. Thank goodness Terry Robiskie is such a leader of men, or else they would really be in trouble.

Hey Jake Plummer, nice salute yesterday. Too bad it was picked off before it ever reached the stands (yeah I know, how many people haven’t made done that joke today?)

If the season ended today, the Panthers are in the playoffs. Read that sentence again. The once 1-7 Carolina Panthers are blazing towards the playoffs, riding the play of Nick “Comings and” Goings and Muhsin “Seriously, I am not a terrorist” Muhammad. Double wow.

I’m getting a real sinking feeling that the Jets and the Bills are going to end the season with the exact same record (where’s that tiebreaker breakdown when you need it). It is good though to see that Herm Edwards and Mike Tice apparently chat during the season, and these chats involve talk of how WR/RB option passes are a great way to win a game/miss the playoffs/get your ass fired. Good work fellas.

Kobe Bryant is pissed because he says Karl Malone made a pass at his wife. First of all, no chance that happened – Karl Malone hasn’t thrown a pass in 8 years (I know, almost as bad as the Plummer crack). Second, is this coming from the guy who tagged a crazy chick in the ass? I thought so. Kobe, shut your piehole.

And finally, this heartwarming tale:
JACKSONVILLE, FL -- When most parents have a baby, they spend months dreaming about what their bundle of joy will look like. Will she look like mom? Will he have dad's eyes? But for one local Navy family, the birth of their daughter didn't give them the answers to those questions. Their daughter was born without a face.

I mean, what??? Huh??? I’m gonna need a moment.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Tribe Pride Part Deux

That Hot Shots! Part Deux sure was a kneeslapper wasn't it? I still wish it had used it's original title, Hot Shots 2! The Exploitation. It has a better ring to it (and no I did not just make that up). Anyway, from what I can tell, tonight will be the biggest athletic event in William and Mary history, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, Tribe Pride flows through my body (the exit pools are too close to confirm yet if Miller Lites are flowing at this moment). Turn to ESPN2 tonight at 7pm and watch Lang Campbell and the Tribe take it to JMU. Look for Jerry in full Colonial garb complete with fife and drum. Look for Dewey taking guys out in the stands like Seagal in Above the Law. Look for Greg...oh hell, who knows what Greg will be up to...

Kwame Brown has been suspended for tonight's game because he refused to join the huddle during Wednesday's game against Denver. Can you blame him? I watched Ricky Davis be absolutely enthralled by drunks on tricycles and jackasses in costumes shooting t-shirts into the stands. That's definitely more entertaining to Kwame than listening to Eddie Jordan explain the Princeton offense. I am trying to compile the list in my head (and I'm struggling)...is he the worst #1 pick ever? By far? Where does Kandi Man rank on this list? Is Joe "Common Name, Uncommon Game" Smith high up on this list? Is there a limit to questions that can be asked in one paragraph?

Great UMass/UConn game last night. Just another reason why I absolutely love college basketball. But for anyone who watched the game - what the hell was the kid Freeman doing after he made the game winner? He made the shot, then turned and ran into his bench and started jumping up and down. Meanwhile, there's 4.3 seconds left on the clock and UConn takes it the length of the court, only to barely miss a winning 3. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure basketball is meant to be played 5-on-5, especially with the game on the line.

You know what... that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!! (and yes, the Miller Lites might be creeping)

Van McCoy wants me to do The Hustle. Should I?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I don't think this poor guy will ever fade into Bolivian

Iron Mike was apparently at it again. I mean, this stuff writes itself. From the Smoking Gun:

The troubled ex-heavyweight champion allegedly got liquored up last month and damaged a car in a bizarre incident outside an Arizona nightclub. According to a Scottsdale Police Department report, after departing the Pussycat Lounge at 12:45 AM, an inebriated Tyson jumped on the hood of a stranger's car, causing about $1500 in damage (the boozy boxer/hood ornament was yelling at driver Asaf Alikadic while perched on his hands and knees on top of the 1999 Toyota Solara).

I will leave you today with a few Tyson classics:
“He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
"It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

His name is Verbal. Verbal Kint.

Man it's good to be back. I won't bore you with the details of my week long hiatus, let's just say I could use a beer or twenty. What's with the title you say? Well, my right hand is about as useful as Verbal's right now, and has been since last Friday morning. I've called Kevin Brown a douchebag many times in this space, but at least that guy makes millions of dollars while punching walls. Me, I punch my fridge in frustration of a bad Brita pour, and I'm too cheap to even go to my shitty HMO to see if it's broken (I'm pretty sure it is - yet another reason to start drinking). I am getting pretty sick of putting my hand in a bowl full of ice/water every night. OK, you're bored with this - lucky for you I've had a lot of time to think in the last six days...

Let's first address the post below from Mr. Laster. Now, I have no reason to root for the Washington Wizards, but what the hell, let's make this interesting. The Eastern Conference is a bigger joke than UPN's Primetime lineup. The Wizards will make the playoffs. Case of Coors Light/PBR on the line. Whit, you in?

Speaking of the NBA, the Seattle Supersonics are 16-3? These guys have the best record in the Association (thanks David Aldridge)? Vladimir Radmanovic is a averaging 12 a game. Wow. OK, forget that aberration, let's look at the New Orleans Hornets: 1-16. These clowns already have two 8 game losing streaks (take a quick look at the record and mull that one over). Can we just get Jim Haslett and Byron Scott to swap positions? Would anyone notice?

The Wheelhouse guys addressed this, but Oklahoma State has a kid named JamesOn Curry on the team. Not Jameson - James On. I mean, Come On. I thought Anfernee was a disgrace - James On is off the charts. He easily surpasses Diamond Ferri as the best name in big time 1-A athletics.

The Jets have a huge game against Pittsburgh this week. Mad Dog Chris Russo is convinced it will be a Jets W. In a related note, if you ever need an athlete to mangle multiple sports cliches in a 7 minute interview, make sure Santana Moss is on the top of your list.

Any team that loses 27-0 to Tampa Bay and 56-10 to Kansas City (sprinkle in the 17-10 loss to powerhouse Detroit) is not Super Bowl bound...yes, that means you Jim Mora Jr. and Michael Vick.

Feliz Navidad. Apparently, in Rio de Janeiro, Santa Claus brings schoolchildren bags of marijuana. I hope the cartels don't find out about this.

You know, I'm not a huge fan of Lenny Kravitz, but running on stage and shooting him 6 times at point blank range never really occurred to me. Maybe I'm in the minority here.

I had forgotten this gem, but my cousin Douglas married a girl named Nicole a few years back. Her maiden name: Brown. Wait for it...yep, Nicole Brown. I asked her Monday night if she was concerned that O.J. might pull a Terminator/Sarah Connor routine and come after her too. The look in her eye, combined with the stunned silence, said it all.

Jerry isn't going to like to hear this, but every damn highway in New Jersey is a major clusterfuck. How the hell do people move through that state? The only bonus is New Jersey is prime real estate for rousing games of "Waterball". Speaking of highways, the state of Delaware has the audacity to basically charge $1 per mile traveled in the state. Am I missing something? Is it hard to maintain 7 miles of highway? Put Kramer on it, he seemed pretty capable.

If someone has the home address of the lady who sings "Christmas Eve in Washington", shoot me an email. I'd like to send her a letter bomb.

Frankly, the bumps on Adult Swim freak me out.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Don't Look Now . . .

. . . but your mighty Washington Wizards are 10-5, which is the second best record in the (decidedly flimsy) Eastern Conference by just a half-game. They are playing together like a team for the first time since the dog days of the honky-laden '93-'94 season, and everyone's playing up to or above their natural ability. Ah, but here's the thing.

These are the Wizards. The Bullets. Les Boulez. The Land of Gheorghe. A cursed franchise if there ever was one, except that there's no anecdote of lore to go with the curse. No Bambino, no goat, no Rocky Colavito, no nothing, unless you count the Curse of Wes Unseld. Big Wes helped win the Bullets' only title and helped ensure they'd keep bringing that championship up every year by managing the franchise like I manage my finances.

Hear me now and believe me later: even with as well as they are playing now (I can even stomach watching them), even with as terribly weak as the conference is, the Washington Wizards will not make the playoffs. A bad injury or two, a bad trade or two, and overall mismanagement will be their undoing. Again.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Jeremy's Whopper

As TJ mentioned, it's out that Jason Giambi used steroids, and no, nobody's surprised. But there was a shocking revelation in the segment. Apparently Jason's brother Jeremy Giambi also admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids. This blows my mind. Jeremy Giambi, whose claim to fame (other than being Jason Giambi's brother) is being the guy whose baserunning blunder enabled Derek Jeter to make The Play several years aso, was last seen being kicked to the curb with his .197 average by the Boston Red Sox before their title run in 2004. If he started commenting in this space, he'd be the second-best hitting Jeremy here. I'm thinking he should be prosecuted for perjuring himself when he claimed to have taken steroids.

Jeremy Giambi: "I injected banned drugs I received from Greg Anderson."
Prosecuting Attorney: "No, you didn't."
JG: "Really, I admit it."
PA: "Just stop it. You did not."

He should surely be Exhibit A in Barry Bonds' defense: Look at that guy, he took the same stuff and sucked, so why should I have an asterisk next to every record I set? It's the same principle the Yankees use in defending their unfair payroll advantage -- just look at the Mets, they spend a lot of money and still suck. Unfortunately, both arguments belie an unfairness that makes them all cheaters. Which, true or not, is fun to say.

Tribe Pride

Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - William & Mary quarterback Lang Campbell, Appalachian State wide receiver DaVon Fowlkes and Sam Houston State quarterback Dustin Long have been selected as the top three finalists for the 2004 Walter Payton Award, which will be presented at the 18th Annual I-AA College Football Awards in Chattanooga, TN, on Dec. 16th.
Campbell, a senior from Winchester, VA, threw for 3,037 yards with 21 touchdowns and just one interception during the regular season, and also ran for 201 yards and seven scores. Campbell won Atlantic 10 Offensive Player of the Year honors for his efforts. He helped guide the Tribe to a share of the Atlantic 10 title and the conference’s automatic berth in the I-AA playoffs, where the Tribe won in the first round against Hampton, 42-35, Saturday. Campbell and William & Mary will face Delaware in a quarterfinal matchup this Saturday.

In my completely biased opinion, he should win this in a landslide. Some notable other winners of the Payton Award:
2002 Tony Romo, QB Eastern Illinois
2001 Brian Westbrook, RB Villanova
1999 Adrian Peterson, RB Georgia Southern
1998 Jerry Azumah, RB New Hampshire
1997 Brian Finneran, WR Villanova
1994 Steve McNair, QB Alcorn State
1989 John Friesz, QB Idaho
1988 Dave Meggett, RB Towson

"Wake"-Up Call for College Hoops #1

I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. Tough loss for Wake Forest last night, getting absolutely run out of the gym by the Fighting Illini. I don't think Wake could've guarded Patrick Dennehy last night.

Speaking of college basketball, what ever happened to Lodrick and Rodrick Stewart, the supposed Rainier Beach Superstars (oh yeah, fun quiz, take a guess which one is left-handed and which is right-handed)?

I am a huge fan of Christmas, and I am a huge fan of Christmas music (thank you 97.1 WASH FM), but I swear to god I might kill someone if I hear that horrendously awful "Christmas Eve in Washington" song one more time. Go away lady.

From the "Elaine Benes Get Out!" file, apparently Jason Giambi admitted to using steroids. No way, I don't believe you. Next you're going to tell me OJ Simpson actually did kill his wife (and that other guy).

I can't tell who has the bigger hard-on for the NBA, SportsGuy or Eric Neel?

The worst of all condiments is mayonnaise. Hands down. (Sorry, I seemed to be channeling Larry King for a moment)

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Further proof that I am a terrible gambler

Duke 81, Michigan State 74. If it weren't for Wisconsin, the Big Ten would be getting swept five games into this so called ACC/Big Ten Challenge. Speaking of Wisconsin, guard Boo Wade has left the team indefinitely. Try as they might, Scout, Jem and Atticus could not convince him to stay.