Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Welcome to Twitter, zman

All it took was our pal rob being blocked to get the better half of the greatest fictional radio program in the world on the twitter machine...welcome zman (furthermore known as @rabbit_angstrom)...Could you seriously be more of a douchey hipster with that twitter handle? Jesus man, even I read that book. And I hate the reading.

Anyway, moving on, college hoops is king...and the ACC/Big Ten challenge is occurring over the next two nights (UVA's upset of MN last night ignored). So, 'cause I'm lazy, I clipped a preview of tonight's match-ups for ya...Sue me espn...

Happy St. Andrew's Day

Today is St. Andrew's Day, the perfect excuse to eat haggis and drink Scotch. Slainte mhor!

Monday, November 29, 2010

RIP Leslie Nielsen

A Hollywood great left us yesterday at the age of 84. The man we all love as Dr. Alan Rumack and Det. Frank Drebin (and yes TR, Mr. Dunbar in Soul Man) died Sunday. The tributes have been pouring in every minute for Nielsen all over the internet, but I of course felt we still needed to chime in. This post would be 500 clips long if we really wanted to do him justice, but I pared it down to the three clips below...and feel free to join me in the comments section as I run every Naked Gun and Airplane! line into the ground.

Before we get to the Leslie Nielsen tribute post...a picture

This was sent to G:TBHQ in the wee morning hours Fri night (Sat morn?) by our own Jimmy Olsen, @KingmanKong.  It was posted outside a NYC bar:

I shall caption this "Boise Blues".  By the way, in case you cant read what Mr. Frowny Face has to say, it's "At least we still have our blue field".  *Snicker*

Friday, November 26, 2010

Jim J Bullock's Revenge

The geniuses suffer, says the legend, their single-minded obsessions both gift and curse. Seriousness of purpose and dedication to craft yield mesmerizing beauty, but extract a heavy toll. Balance, perspective, silliness, the ability to laugh and be laughed at - these are the enemy of the artist. Unless the artist is Jim Henson.

And so, as a self-professed antagonist of the self-serious, I find myself on the horns of a dilemma. A giant has deigned to acknowledge me, and I've been found lacking.

Kyle Whelliston is the proprietor of The Mid Majority, a brilliantly written, exhaustive, and reliably entertaining chronicle of the world of mid-major college basketball. He dedicates hundreds upon hundreds of hours to his pursuit each year, criss-crossing the nation from October to March to report first-hand on the Big West, the Horizon, the MAC, and the other 22 conferences that fall below the red line (his invention) that separates the haves from the have-nots in Division I hoops. I wish that I cared enough about anything apply the passion he applies to mid-major basketball.

Whelliston chronicles Red Line Upsets on his website and via his Twitter feed (@midmajority), celebrating those rare occasions when the little guy jumps ugly on a big conference foe. For example, G:TB followers know that our Wrens tallied a pair of RLUs last season, picking off Wake Forest and Maryland, though we're 0-for-2 in 2010. And as I found out recently, Mr. Whelliston takes his RLUs seriously. Really seriously.

Last week, the Big South's Winthrop beat the aforementioned Wake Forest, 83-74. @midmajority dutifully touted the Red Line Upset. I responded with the following tweet:
@midmajority @RedLineUpsets is it really an upset if wake loses?
My intent was not to argue with The Method, or to challenge authority. My intent was to make fun of Wake Forest, who've now lost thrice to mid-majors, falling to Stetson and VCU before their loss to Winthrop. Alas, Twitter is no place for humor, apparently, and @midmajority was and is unaware of our CAA bonafides. (Seriously, we're like the internet's 4th-best source for poorly reported CAA content. The fact that more people don't know that is an indictment of our marketing team's efforts.) His response will scar me forever:
Sorry. Rules. Block. RT @batogato: @midmajority @RedLineUpsets is it really an upset if wake loses?

Block? I'm blocked? I can no longer see @midmajority's tweets about mid-major hoops, a persona non grata left to wander the twitterverse in hopes that Andy Katz drops a CAA nugget, or Dick Vitale deigns to acknowledge the MAAC. Frankly, kidding aside, this sucks. I greatly enjoy @midmajority's always-on, all-mid-major, all-the-time focus. You see, I really, really like mid-major college basketball. To add insult to injury, Whelliston wrote an entire blog post about the Rules, and the authority under which he enforces them, referencing my tweet for all the hoops-loving world to see. Money grafs:

I always hope that going to 700 games over seven years would give me some measure of authority on the subject, but I also realize that things don't work that way, especially on the Internet. People want to argue. I don't have time for it. I'm busy driving hundreds of miles a day, dry cleaning my suits, going to games, tweaking Robots and talking about various obscurities on the Twitter. If I were to engage in every discussion about "that's not a mid-major LOL #sux," there would be no time to do any of that, and I'd lose whatever authority I actually have.

As such, anybody who tweets some variant of "that's not an upset" at us is immediately blocked and publicly taunted. There are no Gonzaga exceptions to that rule, and there is no parole. The web is big, blogs are free to start, and there's plenty of opportunities for people to make their own score-tweeting Robots that spit out Mauve Line Alerts or whatever. Good luck with that.
To which I respond: sigh. Also: you missed my fucking point, and the brilliance of my tweeted comedy. And: which I realize wasn't very funny, but seriously, dude, you're gonna get an ulcer if you can't laugh a little bit. Finally: Teejay, this robot thing sounds interesting. Get on it, will you?

Someday I'd like very much to be unblocked, because I truly do find The Mid-Majority to be mandatory daily reading. If one of our readers who actually knows Kyle Whelliston might put in a good word on my behalf, I'd be much obliged (you know who you are). Until then, somebody retweet @midmajority's stuff for me.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Got a Fever...

...and the only prescription is more rock flute!

The photo above is an entirely serious photo of Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson doing his rock flute schtick at the age of 63. The general loathing of the Tull sound remains comical to me, considering my varsity soccer team used to come to the field at home night games to Locomotive Breath (not my call, but probably a good thing because I might have selected Skid Row's Slave to the Grind instead, although that song still holds up fairly well). For the full story on our favorite flutist, click here. And for the full story on our favorite flauta, click here.

We welcome alternate captions for the photo in the comments section, but we urge you to avoid the low hanging fruit. Sorry Mr. Burgundy.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I saw this and decided that TJ would approve. Behold, the man in charge of our planet's 8th largest economy at work in his previous job, which clearly demonstrated his aptitude for his current position.

[h/t Film Drunk]

Monday, November 22, 2010

Ricky New, Criminal Mastermind

This guy is awesome...
Robber's lawn mower getaway
A US man was arrested after he held up a convenience store with a stick - then tried to make his getaway on a lawn mower. Police say Ricky New, 45, of Aiken, South Carolina, has been charged with assault and armed robbery following the "stick up".

He is accused of walking into the Kent's Korner store where he ordered the clerks to "give me your damn money", reports the Aiken Standard. He began to hit one of the clerks with the stick, said sheriff's office spokesman Capt Elwell. She threw her arm up to protect herself from the attack and was struck on the arm several times. "She was bruised, but she is OK," Capt Elwell added.

"He received an undisclosed amount of money and fled the scene on his getaway vehicle - a Craftsman riding lawn mower." Sheriff's deputies caught up with Wood, who had disguised his identity but putting a white tower over his head, a short time later.
I'm sure it was a hide speed chase. And, wait, he tried to disguise himself as a Klansman during the escape? Oh this guy is epic.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Carolina Panthers are starting this guy today

Brian St. Pierre.  His NFL career consists of 2 completions in 5 attempts.  But guess what...1 of those completions is for a TD.  So there...he's already better than Jimmy Clausen (just too easy)

And look, his old teammates seemed to love him...I'm guessing he threw Mr. Fitzgerald that TD...ah, thank you pro-football-reference.com.  St. Pierre to Fitzgerald, a 12 yard strike, to ruin a Packers shutout in their final game last regular season.  Final score Packers 33 - Cardinals 7.  Well done BSP, well done.

Friday, November 19, 2010

You People Are Morons

Of course it's FL people:
St. Petersburg, Florida -- Forget just being first in line. These folks are the first in the nation to start camping out at a Best Buy store in search of Black Friday deals.

The Davenport family pitched a pair of tents Wednesday at 10 a.m. in front of the Best Buy at Tyrone Square in St. Pete to snag deals that were still nine days away.

That made them the first people to start camping out at a Best Buy store anywhere in the country. To put that in perspective: there are more than 1,000 Best Buy stores in the United States.
In the immortal words of one William Shatner at the 16th Annual Star Trek Convention in some random Holiday Inn: "PEOPLE...YOU NEED...TO GET A LIFE!"

Thursday, November 18, 2010

If This Doesn't Inspire You To Greatness, Nothing Will.

Today is round one of the play-offs in my adult soccer league, and though there is no reason for it, I am a little nervous. It has less to do with me being competitive and wanting to move on into the next round (although I am fairly competitive and I would like to move on to the next round) and more to do with the fact that I don't want to disappoint my teammates. I don't want to be Charlie Brown. I don't want to be the goat. So before the game I will watch this clip for inspiration. It will remind me that no matter how badly I choke, some other poor sap might choke even worse.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Ghoogles: 11/10/10 - 11/17/10

It's a long and distinguished list, like this guy's johnson...
  • america's unwiped bung
  • vajazzling
  • wiz khalifa blogspot
  • christmas eve in washington
  • gheorghe-mas
  • janet jones gretzky
  • tattoo boy
  • van der waals forces
  • whitesnake video girl
  • worst rock songs ever
  • happy thanksgiving+fat ass
  • i+think+im+starting+to+peak+now+al
  • mr. footlong
  • william and mary suicide san francisco
  • 1980's movies gymnastics
  • 1980's topps baseball cards
  • 3rd bass
  • and after all you're my van der waal
  • are there really fluffers
  • bea hamel porn star
  • beastie boys 34 car pileup
  • binky griptite blogspot
  • brachs circus peanuts photos
  • bruce johnston douche
  • cool things you can do with a prius
  • curren$y and wizz khalifa friendship
  • daryl bem crank
  • delonte west suspension
  • delvon roe tattoo
  • dick rambone wife to mafia
  • disco four we´re at the party blogspot
  • dru blog babes
  • drunk alone in front of tv
  • dungeon master blog
  • eddie money - no control
  • eddie money heroin
  • engine running flux capacitor fluxing
  • every halloween the trees are filled with
  • first place blue ribbon clipart
  • five facial expressions
  • fotos de igor
  • fresh prince doofus
  • fuck money lets dance
  • fuji-la phone
  • funk ger at tinyurl.com
  • gale king
  • game on garth
  • gardner webb girls
  • gatorade citrus cooler buy georgia atlanta
  • geography and the sport of running
  • greg kihn true kihnfessions blogspot
  • greg swindell wife
  • how much has todd bouman made in the nfl?
  • how to answer determinism
  • iced in the middle of a game
  • imdb and now for something completely futile
  • is a rod a jerk
  • it's christmas time in washington
  • james hetfield 1988
  • jeff jones and melissa stark
  • jessica biel summer catch
  • kevin youklis gardner webb
  • kim mcfadden asses for the masses
  • little yellow friend
  • making fuck
  • matthew clemmens
  • michael westbrook stephen davis
  • miss universe 2010 bikini
  • my nickname was footlong
  • nasal polyp
  • nazik avdalyan
  • nba players doing john wall dance
  • odu mascot
  • office photo fat guy skilly guy
  • old 97s mediafire
  • old atlanta braves logo
  • photos of hadron collider firing
  • pittsburgh drug trials of 1985, it came to light that several pittsburgh pirates including tim raines
  • polyp jokes
  • pompous assholes, don henley and glenn frey
  • portugal girls
  • portugal vs spain particular
  • prof. daryl bem paper
  • q: are we not men? a: we are devo! blog spot
  • ranking van der waal forces
  • robert burns poet spunky
  • robert gheorghe+montreal
  • rock songs with the name mark
  • roger ebirt
  • rooney freemason steelers
  • scii diorama contest honorable mentions!
  • screen basketball funny
  • scumbag millionaire
  • sea wave
  • seasick steve + blogspot
  • sex mesko vidio porno
  • short defination of internet
  • small wonder vicki
  • soccer thomas muller nakked penis picture
  • spinal tap hung like armadillos
  • sport and genetics
  • syria city sesy girls
  • tang kakatua
  • tattoo convention sf gheorghe 13
  • technological perspective
  • tenniss has a steroids problem
  • that's all it takes really pressure and time
  • the best muscular woman
  • the skinny boys : jock box
  • theme starsky hutch midi
  • tiny house
  • todd bouman
  • total recall pictures
  • usatodayncaafootballpicks
  • va sturgeon pictures
  • viral kings bikini
  • virginia tech punt return natural like running from the cops
  • ways to cheat in cornhole
  • we got some canes over here
  • what does click clack blaow mean
  • whats the difference between a archduke and a duke
  • why men like soccer
  • william and mary griffin gheorghe
  • willie mcgee-more than just a game
  • wilson chandler
  • worst inventions in december 2007
  • www.fuckinginbed.com
  • zach collaros girlfriend
  • amoeba love resiual glee
  • jean carlo's flatulence saturday night live
  • residual glee gheorghe

Shaq was not always as Gheorghe as he appears today.

These days everyone thinks of Shaq as a lovable cockeyed mountain of a man who doesn't take himself too seriously, who is a jovial Twitterer, who clowns around in front of Out Of Town News with the smartest college kids in America, who, dare I say it, is not insignificantly Gheorghe, but we forget that he was quite a cockeyed jerk when he was younger.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Airplane 2 predicted the future

No, seriously, it did...
Scanners and pat-downs upset airline passengers
WASHINGTON (AP) - Nearly a week before the Thanksgiving travel crush, federal air security officials were struggling to reassure rising numbers of fliers and airline workers outraged by new anti-terrorism screening procedures they consider invasive and harmful. Across the country, passengers simmered over being forced to choose scans by full-body image detectors or probing pat-downs.

Now that's a close final score

Zman, did I just beat you by .12 points? The polar opposite to last nights Skins/Eagles game, eh? OK, I'm already bored with this fantasy talk...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Where is Monday's Post?????

Where? Seriously, no one could muster the effort to go to youtube, pick a video they like, and post it? What is wrong with you people? Fine, you get what you deserve... actually, have you ever noticed that I like every song on every "worst songs of all time" list? Well, I do. So enjoy this "worst song ever"...which is actually a personal fave of mine.

And Donovan...don't think I didn't play this just a lil' for you...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Your Sunday NFL Open Thread

I do hate to push down Dave's post, because let's be honest, the fact that biology teachers in this country were dumb and/or lazy enough to simply play that video for their class before vetting it is mind boggling.  And truly fucking hilarious.  So please, if you haven't already, go read that post and make sure to watch the video (at least until the :27 mark).

Anyway, thought we needed a new post to serve as the thread for today's games...and congrats Danimal on adding one more to Get Fresh Crew:

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Apology to Educators . . . But Seriously, You Should Know Better.

One of the joys of blogging is the residual glee generated when something you have set free on the internet makes its way into the limelight. Whether it is a post on circus peanuts or the William and Mary griffin, there is nothing like the satisfaction of knowing that people are linking to your creation. You think: people beyond my retarded circle of friends are enjoying this. Like Dr. Frankenstein, you have created life, and though your creation might be perverse and monstrous, it is still beautiful to watch its span. So I am proud to report that a Greasetruck song has a life beyond my fans at G:TB..

Apparently, biology teachers across our wired nation have been streaming the song "Amoeba Love," thinking it is a cute way to illustrate binary fission to their students. But-- unfortunately for the teachers and fortunately for the students-- this is no cute educational video. Something happens at "00:27" in the video and one commenter remarks that his teacher's reaction was "priceless." And, judging by the number of comments and their different dates, this has happened more than once, and in more than one classroom. Check it out.

Though I apologize to all the educators who were duped by this video, I think your embarrassment is superseded by the joy the song has brought to the students in your biology classes. I won't detail the "00:27" surprise here, you can watch and enjoy it for yourself-- and I should add that the video might not be safe for work, if the people you work with are offended by bad cartoon drawings of genitalia-- but honestly, it's pretty tame.

And if you are offended by the video, let me offer this explanation: I was in a particularly weird mental place when I made this. It was several years ago on a snow day, and my two young children were both napping. I had two hours to compose and record the song and to animate the video. And in the days previous, to my chagrin, I had come to a frank realization-- I was not going to be a great animator. Despite learning to use a pirated 2-D animation program, I saw that my destiny was not in the way of Hayao Miyazaki. Why not? Because I could not draw. And so I gave up trying to animate something wonderful and magical, and decided to portray the only subject I could: an amoeba.

In the end, it is fitting. My amoeba video's digital footprint asexually reproduced on the internet, and then found its way back to me. I created life and it thrived in unexpected places.

Pi Lambda Phi Awaits Your Reply, Daryl Bem: As You Owe Us A Citation

For eight years, psychology professor Daryl Bem has been running several common psychology experiments backwards, and he is about to publish a paper in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that essentially says that people can see into the future. He claims that the evidence is statistically significant, and while fellow psychologists find his claim to be "ridiculous," they say his methods and experimental design are in "good order." If you are really into his findings, you can read a PDF of his paper, but honestly, I'm sure there is some reasonable explanation. Perhaps this is because I am skeptical towards all things paranormal, and with good reason. I have issued several challenges to the netherworld to manifest itself, and the netherworld has disappointed me time after time.

Honestly, I'm not interested in his findings. Psychologists have already attempted to replicate his experiment and failed. What I am interested in are his methods, because-- despite being skeptical of his results-- psychologist Joachim Krueger, of Brown University, claims that running these experiments backwards is a "stroke of genius." By the end of this post, you will find out who the real genius is, and it is NOT Daryl Bem. But first, let me explain what it means to run a typical experiment "back to front."

Psychologists call subliminal influence "priming." In a typical experiment on "priming," the subject is momentarily flashed the word "ugly" and then shown the picture of a cute and cuddly kitten. Just seeing the word "ugly" makes the subject take longer to decide the kitten is cute. The subject decides the kitten is "cute" faster if he is first shown the word "cute."

Bem ran this experiment backwards: he showed the subject the picture of the kitten first, and then showed them the word, and for some bizarre reason, the word shown after the subject viewed the kitten had some influence on how long the subject took to decide the kitten was cute before he saw the word. Weird . . . I suppose. But this isn't what is important for G:TB readers. We are not a paranormal psychology blog. The following experiment is the one I am interested in. And this is a direct quotation from this story in NewScientist.

In another test volunteers were told that an erotic image was going to appear on a computer screen in one of two positions, and asked to guess in advance which position that would be. The image's eventual position was selected at random, but volunteers guessed correctly 53.1 per cent of the time.

Bem is not the first person the run this experiment! I should not reveal this, as I was sworn to secrecy by my sacred brotherhood, but in the name of science, I am going to make an exception. Twenty-two years ago, during my fraternity initiation (and this can be corroborated by several other G:TB staffers) after much sleep deprivation and white noise (which oddly replicates a less successful paranormal experiment called the Ganzfield Experiment) we were asked to make similar pornographic predictions! 

We didn't have computers back then, so the set up was analog: a brother would read an excerpt from Penthouse Forum and stop before the end, and we would have to predict what sexual acts the narrator would participate in. If our prediction was wrong, we would have to do push-ups and such. But we were usually right! I swear to you this was true, and, as I recall, the results were more than statistically significant. 

So Daryl Bem, it is time for you to give credit where credit is due. Until you acknowledge the William and Mary Chapter of Pi Lambda Phi (which is now defunct, of course, due to various hazing infractions) as the original "genius" behind your clever experiments, your academic reputation will be sullied. Come clean now. Perhaps you were eavesdropping on our fraternity porch, your ear pressed to a newspaper obscured window, listening to "the Whaler" read salacious letters to exhausted condiment covered freshman and you noticed that despite our dire predicament, we kept nailing whether the narrative would end in fellatio, position number 69, or things too perverse to put in this blog. All we are asking for is a citation. We await your reply.

Friday, November 12, 2010

van der Waals Redux: Futility Bowl 2010

The Detroit Lions have lost 24 consecutive road games, tying the league record the Lions set in 2001-2003. Away from their home field, the Lions are as van der Waalsian a force as the league has ever seen. The Bills are still a movable object of Port-a-Johnian proportions.

The Lions play the Bills at Buffalo on Sunday.

I won't bother to bore you any further with statical metrics of these teams's collective futility. Simply put, Detroit cannot win on the road and Buffalo cannot win. I don't see how either team can win this game.

Fortunately, the cities of Buffalo and Detroit are prospering despite the recession, so their citizens have other things to buoy their spirits.

Final score: 5-5.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Marls Got Us a 42nd Day of Gheorghe-mas Gift

Worst. Gift. Ever.

I hope the rest of our Gheorghe-mas gifts are better than this.

Fish sticks Marls, fish...sticks.

Fan Ink New York Islanders Tattoo Sleeve

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The 43 Days of Gheorghe-mas: 43 Goal Type Things

On the forty-third day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me . . .

43 Goal Type Things

It's been a long time since I posted, but soccer season is winding down, and so soon I will be back in full force. In fact, this week, I only have five soccer events (Sports Awards Night, Uniform Collection Day, an Adult League Game, a Pick-up Game and a Kid's Game to Coach). In September and October I was averaging nine soccer events a week, which is ridiculous, but it's definitely better than nine coal-mining events, so I'm not complaining.

To make things easy, I decided to stick with a recurring theme. I haven't written more than one sentence in a row in over two months, so I'm feeling a little rusty. I think the residual glee from my topic will supercede my poor writing . . . as I am upping the ante and kicking off  The 12 Days of Gheorghe-mas early. If my count is accurate, then we are on day 43.  And here are 43 Goal Type Things to get you ready for the New Year. The entire G:TB staff should definitely watch more sunsets, kiss more in the rain, and get more tattoos.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

C'mon, Man

Look, I like Lionel as much as the next guy. Unless the next guy is the Teej or Greg. But last night was the first night of the college basketball season, and the Wrens tip off on Friday evening against UVA (followed by trips to Richmond and Syracuse and a December tilt with UNC - I like what you're doing, Coach, even if this year's record may bear the brunt), so it's time for the squeak of shoes on parquet, the roar of the crowd, the just-audible rustle of a Kentucky tutor completing a starting guard's term paper.

More futile superfandom to come (for the record, we buy what most people are selling regarding the Tribe's transition season), but until then, we commend to you the brilliant Kyle Whelliston's work at The Mid-Majority, Eric Angevine and his gang at Storming the Floor, and last but most certainly not least, FOG:TB Michael Litos at CAA: Life as a Mid Major.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

I googled "Sunday morning in New Orleans"...

...and proving google already has a way to tap into our puny human brains and read our minds, this was what popped up first.

Now to go find some more Abita flavors...maybe an AM Ale?

Friday, November 05, 2010

Bills/Bears Paradoxical Preview: van der Waals Forces Meet Port-A-Potty

As you likely remember from chemistry class, the phrase "van der Waals forces" refers to the sum of attractive and repulsive forces between molecules. van der Waals forces are considered weak.

As you likely remember from stadium parking lots and construction sites, a "Port-A-Potty" is a toilet in a plastic enclosure that is easily transported from one place to another. Port-A-Potties are considered movable.

With these key definitions in place, we can now turn to Sunday's Bills/Bears game. This matchup is a perfect storm of ugliness. The Bills are what I thought they would be - clueless on offense, terrible against the run, and sneaky bad against the pass - which is to say, I thought they would be an atrocious team and I was right.

Just like last year, the Bills are miserable against the run. The Bills allow a league-worst 188.7 rushing yards per game, 30 more than second-worst Denver (who gave up 328 yards in one game). The record for most rushing yards allowed in a 16 game season is 3228 by ... wait for it ... the 1978 Bills. The 2010 Bills are 210 yards off the pace to break their own record, but they have plenty of games left to make up the deficit.

The Bills have allowed the third-fewest total passing yards in the league, but this is totally misleading. They are tied with Dallas for fewest passing attempts against on the year; their turnstyle-esque front seven is too tempting to OC's so they run at it all day. Thus the Bills gave up few passing yards simply because no one bother to pass against them. A close look shows that the Bills allowed the third-most passing TD (15), have the highest percentage of passs attempts result in TD (7.8%), and have the fewest INT (1). Only 0.5% of the passes attempted against them resulted in a pick. The second-worst is 1.7%, a 3-fold increase. They have the highest adjusted passing yards per pass attempt in the league. They have a 49.1% DVOA against the pass, which is the worst in the league according to Football Outsiders.

So they they don't just suck against the run.

And like last year, the Bills are a balanced squad with almost equally meager prowess on offense, ranking a mere 27th in passing. The bright spot? They rank 15th in rushing, and thus are in the top half of the league! They are, however, mathematically 20 yards below the league average. Even the bright spots are dingy in Buffalo.

The Bills face the Bears this week in Orchard Park. Chicago has a stout run defense, allowing only 89.3 yards per game, so Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller have their work cut out for them (Spiller actually has no work cut out for him, he only gets 7 offensive touches per game (unlike Ines Sainz now that she avoids locker rooms), but I'll save that for another rant later this season - look Dave, foreshadowing!). Factor in Chicago's middle-of-the-pack passing defense and the Bears should be able to muffle the Buffalo offense.

The fun stuff will happen when Chicago has the ball. Chicago has the #29 overall offense. Buffalo has the #30 overall defense. Perhaps we will find out the answer to an ancient paradox. But in reverse.

Buffalo would make great goats as they give 110%: opponents have a collective 110.0 passer rating against the Bills. But the Bears have a collective 69.6 (sick) rating (thanks mostly to MLFG Todd Collins). Jay Cutler has a decent 84.4 rating, but he's thrown only 7 TD to 7 INT. The Bears have allowed 31 sacks through 7 games, worst in the league and 8 more than the second-worst Skins have allowed through 8 games. Buffalo has 11 sacks on the year, tied for 5th fewest. Chicago also has the 26th ranked rushing offense in terms of yards per game.

I have no idea what will come out of this morass of pigskin and horseshit. The Chicago offense is a force of van der Waalsian proportions. The Buffalo defense is so movable that Hemingway would call it a feast; I'll call it a Port-A-Potty.

I foresee a final score of 35-21 in favor of Chicago, with all three Buffalo TD scored on fumble returns.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Hey Everybody!

Good morning from New Orleans. I am here for work, and will be for several days, so why don't you folks jump in the comments and help the ole Teej out with some unique, non-French Quarter-y suggestions in this town. Warning though, Igor has already sent me a "War and Peace" length email with suggestions, so I might not get to all the GTB gold star recommendations.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

An Homage to Jeremy Shockey?

Greasy Saint is stuck in my head and I'm tired of looking at Graveyard Shift.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Worst Movie You Ever Saw In The Theater?

Play along in the comments. My choice: Graveyard Shift, an adaptation of a Stephen King story, though I imagine he would like to be as far removed from this poop as possible. It's the story of...giant rats??? Who the F knows...this movie was a debacle from start to finish (close 2nd: Warlock)

Monday, November 01, 2010

New York City's Killing Me

Not so much the city itself but my time spent here. I'm not qualified to review folk music, so it doesn't count when I say that Ray LaMontagne's new album is pretty spotty. This song, however, sticks in my head like dingleberries to the bear's toquis in those Charmin ads.