Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Put Me In Coach, I'm Ready to . . . Coach? Coach? Coach?

My wife asked an interesting question while we were watching Serena Williams destroy a tiny old Japanese lady at Wimbledon (the match had a professional wrestling quality about it . . . it was hard not to root for Date-Krumm, despite what happened at Pearl Harbor). My wife said: "Is tennis the only sport where there is no coaching at all?" I brought up golf, but she reminded me that golfers -- professional ones at least -- have caddies to consult with.

Officially, tennis players aren't supposed to receive any coaching during play -- it's illegal. This is a controversial issue . . . my favorite purported breach of this rule is when Maria Sharapova's father was allegedly "holding up pieces of fruit" during a match. Some folks deemed this "coaching," as he was passing his absent-minded daughter the message to eat something between sets (fruit, I suppose). Reminds me of  this fabulous high-fructose bit of athletic instruction:



I wasn't able to find much information on how much coaching is allowed during different sports, and how influential this coaching is, so I will take some uneducated guesses. I'm not talking about the training before the event -- I'm speculating on the amount and influence of coaching during the event. I'll try my best to come up with a half-baked continuum, and the the real sports people can correct me in the comments.

Short of giving someone a lesson, I can't see how coaching is going to help all that much during a tennis match anyway (aside from reminding someone to eat a banana so they they don't get a calf cramp . . . and I'm sure there would be a lot of volunteers willing to rub Maria Sharapova's calf cramp while feeding her a banana).

I think mid-match tennis coaching might go like this:  Try hitting your first serve in the little box more often! Don't hit your backhand into the stands anymore! Stop staring at Ana Ivanovic's legs and focus!



Golf is similar -- you shouldn't screw with someone's swing when they are about to engage in medal play. Years ago, I was a high school golf coach. I once said this to a player, just before he teed off: Hey, Brian? Quick tip? If you return your right elbow to your sternum on your follow through, and shift maybe twenty percent more of your weight to your left foot on impact, you might corral that slice you've been dealing with . . . or if that doesn't work, then it might be that you need to loosen your grip and turn it a couple millimeters clockwise . . . and this is a tough three-iron over the water, you don't want to start the match with penalty strokes, so forget about the drink and think good thoughts, mainly: elbow, sternum, weight-shift, loosen that grip, and most importantly . . . don't lose your tempo! Good luck! Wait, wait! Step back! I don't think the club-face is aligned properly with your stance! 

Obviously, the results were disastrous.

I am in the middle of David Foster Wallace's masterpiece Infinite Jest, which is mainly set at a fictitious high-caliber tennis academy. Hal Incandenza has to break some bad news to his "Little Buddies," who he must mentor through the program; he tells them that tennis is a sport where "you are deeply alone." Every player knows where he stands in relation to all the other players. There is no community, only existential alienation. And thus it is fitting that the tennis player must remain alone and isolated on the court, without the aid of a coach or the comradeship of a caddy or trainer.

Golf is a bit more collegial. The introduction of actual coaching would make it interminably slow, and I suppose it's lonely when you're hitting the ball very poorly, but otherwise, it's a good walk spoiled for everyone out there. You're all in it together against the course. And you've got your caddy.


I am guessing that the coaching that happens during a boxing match is fairly useless, even if your trainer is giving you really specific and excellent advice, such as: Just make sure he hits you an even number of times, so you don't end up with amnesia. With the roar of the crowd and the whump of the gloves hitting your noggin, the best coaching is still going to sound like this: Wakka woof woof wakka whoom! Or perhaps it sounds more like the adults talking in Peanuts. I will have to do more research on this subject. But in between rounds, you do get a minute to offer your sage wisdom about the sweet science, as you shove vaseline up your fighter's nose.


Coaches probably have even less influence during a wrestling match, as the breaks between rounds are shorter and there's even more lactic acid involved. The best thing a wrestling coach can yell at his young charge is: Make sure you wash those mat burns with peroxide! Otherwise, you'll contract a Staph infection!

I coach soccer and I will admit something: there is no correlation between what you yell on the sidelines and what your players do on the field. If you didn't teach them ahead of time, it's too late. The soccer field is big, and the players are very far away from you. I spend my time talking to the players on the bench, to avoid behaving absurdly. I occasionally turn and look at the game, but the ball is invariably out of bounds.

I have also coached basketball and this is a different story. Things happen fast, so you constantly feel as if you're going to have an anxiety attack, but you can change defenses and call plays. You can't actually shoot the ball, but you can try to get your team to give the ball to the person you want to shoot it. And then you can jump up and down if he makes it. You can also influence the official by throwing a chair at him.

I've never managed a baseball team, but I recognize that the game proceeds at such a lethargic pace that the coach has time to do all sorts of things (as do the players . . .  in what other sport is there enough time to give someone a "hotfoot"?)


No one will debate the great significance and influence of the High School Chess Coach.



And then, of course, there is football. These coaches earn their money. They are the auteurs. Fellini. Godard, Bergman, Parcells, Gibbs, Landry, Shula, Lombardi, Pacino. They communicate with the quarterback by radio. They get images from upstairs. They put in the "nickel back." They use "the dime." They invent the spread offense. They decide to fake the punt.


I played Intellivision football when I was a kid, and the play calling was rudimentary. 9-6-2-4 was my favorite. My skills bottomed out with Tecmo Bowl and the superhuman Bo Jackson avatar. Madden confounded me, and my younger brothers would destroy me because they could call and understand the plays. No amount of juking and spinning could erase this truth. And thus, I am happy as a soccer coach . . . or as they are more commonly known, a soccer trainer. You train the players, and then let them loose on the field to do what they will. And, miracle of miracles, you get paid almost as much as the football coach!

65 comments:

zman said...

Tennis coaches are often useless--my high school coach was really the wrestling coach and he coached tennis for the extra money (and to recruit pretty girls to serve as the team "manager") and the only advice he ever gave me was "Get your first serve in and keep the ball in play" which is essentially saying "Don't lose any points" which is generally sound advice but not really instructive.

Danimal said...

there are team golf coaches of course, like the one heard here providing a morale boost after a tough loss. nsfw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjyTZQo2zyU

Danimal said...

i played a year of golf as a freshman in h.s. where i was "on" a state champion contending team. this means i got to go to practice which, for golf, is pretty good. you go play golf in the nice fall weather. easy peezy.

our coach was a bit of a tool. short stocky guy who drove something like a rusted out pacer. no less than a dozen times per practice he's say, "not very pretty but it'll play". i think that's all he ever said.

Dave said...

my golf coach always said, "if you can't get it up, you can't get it in!"

ahh . . . the politically incorrect '80's.

rootsminer said...

I was the top player on my high school golf team until my brother came in as a freshman and started kicking my ass. Our coach was the finest whistler I've ever heard(though my seven year old is in constant training to eclipse him), but I don't remember anything in the way of actual instruction.

Danimal said...

swim coaches are interesting too. ya never see them in the water. we have a local h.s. swim team getting in the water in the a.m.'s as we get out. the coach doesn't do shit except say "get in the pool". he then blows a whistle a few times. but there is no question they are needed. what h.s. kid is going to show up 5 days/week at 630 in the summertime to swim laps? fuck that. they should just be called something else. what, i don't know.

Jerry said...

I think at the HS level and below (maybe even above), there are fairly few useful coaches. At any of these sports an exceptional coach can improve teams and players in many ways. It's part of the reason why you see dynasties at specific HS in certain sports. There are other reasons like youth programs, but the top coaches make a big difference. Even something like swimming - Phelps talks about his coach all the time. Pushing him, breaking down "game film", technique, etc.

Most coaches (at least when we were kids) at the HS level below are gym teachers/parents with varying levels of competency. They might be able to structure a practice, organize a team, and develop a game plan, but they don't really improve players or improve the team.

For tennis, if coaching were allowed, I'd imagine it would be just like any other sport. In-game, a lot of it would be mental, making sure the player is in the right frame of mind. The coach might also diagnose some things happening during the match and remind the player to avoid certain bad habits or mix up the types of shots being hit.

Dave said...

i like to think that my golf coaching had something to do with our 25 match win streak . . . even if it was only the promise that if we went undefeated, they could shave my head. they got to. i had hair then.

Danimal said...

with bowman (phelps' coach), he truly is a coach. he is who you'd send your protege kid to for who knows how many $'s an hour to further develop. he coached at michigan for 4 years among other places.

wrestling coaches are fun to watch during matches. i go to wrestling matches all the time. "shoot the half!" "roll him over!" "hit the dees!"

Mark said...

To Jerry's point about good coaches making a huge difference at the HS level: A local high school had an awful boys Bball program. We're talking 5-6 wins a year at most. The girls team was great though and won a couple state titles over a decade. When the daughter of the girls coach (their best player) graduated, the coach became the Boys coach as his son was entering HS in a couple years. In short order the Boys team became one if the best teams in the area. They won a few conference/district titles and eventually a state championship.

rootsminer said...

All this talk of coaches makes me want to buy some double knit shorts and grow a mustache.

Clarence said...

Dave failed to mention our rugby coach, who, during games, paces the far sideline all by himself, saying nothing. He intently watches the action, says a few things at halftime, and then goes back to pacing and watching. Made no sense to me at the time. Then I got to know him well . . . and it still makes no sense, but I got used to it.

zman said...

The last time I received in-game athletic coaching was during my first and only wrestling match, where I was encouraged to "stop losing" and "stop sucking."

Dave said...

our rugby coach set up some fascinating and rather psychedelic drills with many cones. i also have a predilection for doing this when i coach soccer. i love orange cones.

Squeaky said...

From my limited experience I think the other sport that is like tennis with no coaching during the event is a triathlon.

Danimal knows the different rules but when you actually compete in one you can't have any outside assistance or they can DQ you. The rules ban ipods and other similar devices to prevent people from loading coaching or songs with specific cadence on them. They completely over police even local shorter events.

Danimal said...

correctamundo. no ipods which hurts the big russian. no drafting off of a fellow biker. you can however piss yourself 'til your heart's content.

rootsminer said...

Did I tell you guys about the collision my bro-in-law saw in a triathlon in Utah a few months ago? Runners on the right, cyclists are coming back on the left. He sees a runner in front of him get preoccupied with his garmin and drift into the bike lane and collide with the cyclist, knocking them both unconscious. Biker came to in about 10 minutes. Runner was still out.

Danimal said...

plenty of accidents out there on the cycles. that would be super disappointing to wake up after that having done nothing wrong and being done with your (assuming the st. george half ironman) race.

2 of the last 3 saturday group rides (big group - 50+) i've been in have required an ambulance, this past sat a guy fractured his pelvis. am done w/the group rides for a while.

Squeaky said...

The cycling part of a triathlon scares me the most. Too many nut jobs out there think they are invincible on their bikes.

rob said...

i've been actually busy at work of late. can someone catch me up on why kendrick lamar's name is all over my twitter timeline?

rob said...

having a business meeting with jerry. at a place called world of beer. it's an entire world of beer!

Clarence said...

Without a doubt, the best bit of this post is Dave's comment about the Japanese tennis player. He's conflicted about rooting for her because of Pearl Harbor, 70 years later? He's Italian!!

rob said...

he's also hungarian, so...

TR said...

In the suite for tonight's all-important Rockies-Padres game. Whiffed on the start time. I am all alone in a suite that has 6 cases of beer and a giant tray of weiners. I may re-live Beer Bash by myself. If only I had food coloring to make my vomit more spectacular...

Really wish I read that ticket correctly. Showed up at 555 for a 640 start. Ample time to make poor decisions w/o being seen.

TR said...

There is a BBQ stand selling sandwiches called The Manhandler. Makes me laugh b/c that is what Zman calls his anus.

Mark said...

World of Beer is great. Very cool place. The one around here lets you order in food too.

Kendrick Lamar has a dope verse on the newly leaked Big Sean song. He kind of disses a bunch of other name rappers. He also called himself the King of New York (he's from LA). Like I said, a dope verse but people are a little too psyched about it.

Dave said...

i am hardly italian. remember when tony soprano went to italy? he wasn't italian either. and seventy years is nothing!

Marls said...

Loving the TR live blog.

I'm at the Yankee game and just saw Matt Guy the Frat Guy.

Clarence said...

Yankee game? Et tu, Marlse?

Marls said...

For work and I'm rooting for the A's. what more do you want?

Marls said...

BTW, the Davis Cup allows coaching.

zman said...

My anus is the Maneater, not the Manhandler.

zman said...

Mike Scioscia is pissed.

Clarence said...

Dave is selectively Italian. Like I am selectively Irish despite being just a fifth Irish.

Marls said...

Just from waist down.

TR said...

Some sleazebag guy has shown up to this conference two years in a row w/ a fantastically trashy/sexy girl in tow. They are peddling some service to companies here. He trots her into meetings and puts her in the front row. Who is she, you might ask?

She is this person. Feel free to join her fan club:

http://jennifercirone.com/

zman said...

Is that your neighbor?

Marls said...

Just joined the fan club with Dave's email.

Marls said...

Monsoon here at the big ballyard in the Bronx. Heading home for Harvey night from LA.

zman said...

Anyone familiar with Biffy Clyro? They appear to be a metal version of Frightened Rabbit.

Danimal said...

i just checked out mrs. cirone. she's annoying.

T.J. said...

you not down with her philosophy?

"BE LOYAL TO THE ROYAL WITHIN YOU~NOBILITY IS NOT DEFINED BY YOUR BLOOD, BUT BY YOUR DEEDS."

Danimal said...

She takes herself kind of seriously, no?



T.J. said...

she's very anti-Gheorghe

Danimal said...

ok, i have to work now. but you need to check out the 2nd video on her "acting" page - the factory group direct buy infomercial that she does. just watch the 1st 2 minutes - or 1:45...that's all you need to see.

Squeaky said...

Yes, zman. Lot of great Scottish bands right now.

Mark said...

First day of school around here. Always a great day. Back at it, you little rats.

T.J. said...

first day of school...in mid-August?

Mr KQ said...

You are looking live at Newport RI from across the bay in sunny and breezy Saunderstown. Coundown to day drinking in 3....2.....1....

Mark said...

That's how it works in Florida, Teej. Always has. School let's out in early May.

Speaking of Florida...was just in line at 7/11 behind a guy sporting a mullet, mustache, jean shorts and he was barefoot. Sweet.

Squeaky said...

Mark, tell my dad hello and remind him to send that twenty he owns me.

rootsminer said...

Mark, I think that guy must be a Florida Life Coach. What was he purchasing?

zman said...

A quart of motor oil, a bottle of KY, and a pack of White Owls.

Dave said...

wow. school doesn't start here until after rosh hashannah. september 9th or something. so we are doing endless double sessions with the hs soccer team . . .

Mark said...

He bought an orange Fanta so you might get a little less than $20, Squeak.

Squeaky said...

USMNT making a strong comeback. Tied up after 0-2 halftime score.

Danimal said...

clarence...a good piece my billy simmons in grantland on the eagles...it's essentially his take on the documentary i believe you referenced a while back. i need to see this documentary.

also - i saw on the tweet machine this a.m. an article on your fave guy, mike love...Hollywood Reporter was the source.

meanwhile, hotter than georgia asphalt down here in eff elle ay.

rob said...

jozy altidore, huh?

rootsminer said...

That Eagles piece was good, and I hate the effin' eagles, the only exceptions being for some good Joe Walsh guitar wankery.

It's a beautiful 78 here in Western VA today. I'm going to ditch work and go ride my bike for a bit.

zman said...

Teeeeebow!!

Mark said...

The Bucs might've killed the Patriot's season. I'm so proud.

Also, after a Netflix filled summer the wife and I are all caught up on Breaking Bad as of last night. This just in: Breaking Bad is really, really fucking good.

Mark said...

That's not to say I'm happy Brady's hurt. I never wish that on an athlete. Just wont cry for Pats fans.

TR said...

The Simmons piece on The Eagles doc was great. You all should watch it. It's a great look into the history of the band.

And I don't know how you can't respect those harmonies, Rootsy.

Marls said...

This may be a bit of drunken argument, but we need a real G:TB summit in NYC. Our apt open for the first 4. Lets get this done.

zman said...

Can we locate the PUSC in advance?