Monday, August 12, 2013

Beware Swedes Bearing Catalogs

It's been quite a week for Swedes. Henrik Stenson and Jonas Blixt played in the penultimate group at the PGA Championship. Zlatan Ibrahimovic pulled an epic pout in Paris Saint-Germain's Ligue 1 opener against Montpellier. And the White House announced that President Obama will head to Stockholm in September instead of Moscow.

The President would be well-advised to prepare himself for what he might find. Our investigative reporters have spent the past several minutes digging into a trio of stories that suggest that the normally benign Swedes may be quietly working on plans the likes of which even Dr. Evil might find audacious.

As most Swedish plots must, this one begins with IKEA. The video below purports to show the ingenious way the furniture giant is using mobile technology to enhance the shopping experience. Using a new IKEA app, consumers can superimpose any piece of the company's furniture into their own room. In and of itself, this is a brilliant piece of marketing magic.


But here at G:TB, we don't take such things at face value, because we have active imaginations and often too much time on our hands. The Huffington Post reported last week on a Swedish lab's announcement of the creation of a new form of magnesium carbonate, dubbed an 'impossible' material.

Named Upsalite, the new material is extremely porous, and likely to be extremely efficient in absorbing moisture and controlling toxins from industrial accidents. 

"So IKEA has a new way to control manufacturing tolerances," you say. And you'd be right. It's the final piece of the puzzle that's so terrifying.

The National History Museum of Denmark has warned of the presence of pacu off the coast of Southern Sweden. (It's noteworthy that we're forced to rely on the Danes for this bit of news - obviously, the Swedes are trying to hide something.) Though pacu sounds like something from a dirty Irish-Italian version of Pokemon, the truth is far less amusing. The 25cm member of the piranha family is known for its attraction to a certain portion of the male anatomy.
“The pacu is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite, there have been incidents in other countries, such as Papua New Guinea, where some men have had their testicles bitten off,” said Henrik Carl, a fish expert at the Danish museum, speaking to The Local, an English-language newspaper in Sweden. “They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth,” he told the paper.

That last sentence may well be the most chilling in the history of the written word.

So let's consider what we've learned. The Swedes have mastered teleportation. They've developed an ability to control moisture levels to a very precise degree. And they've bred testicle-devouring superfish. While we've been distracted by their beautiful women and friendliness, they've built a doomsday machine the likes of which the world has never seen. Millions of tiny yellow and blue ball-chomping fish may soon rain into living rooms and men's grills across the United States, if we don't stop them.

President Obama, you're our only hope. You, and Iron Balls McGinty.


TR said...

If you're a fan of a team outside of the top 6 in the EPL, the NBC deal is a god-send. But the loss of Ian Darke is an enormous dagger. Will be interesting to see if he sticks at ESPN. Not sure what soccer they will have, other than the USMNT. Maybe Champions League? Or does Fox have that? I'm confused.

zman said...

"tiny yellow and blue ball-chomping fish"

Does tiny modify ball or fish?

“They bite because they're hungry, and testicles sit nicely in their mouth"

Did these fish attend W&M, home of the toothy beejay?

Squeaky said...

Coming out in a week(pun intended), IKEA XXX app where you can virtual put a couch in your living room with a porn star on it.

I know a few of you all would buy that app.

T.J. said...

"W&M, home of the toothy beejay"

I see z is once again working on the promotional materials to send out on Tribe stationary.

Shlara said...

A woman who works at the Swedish Embassy just moved in next door--I'll have to ask her about this fish.

rootsminer said...


I'm curious to know whether the Swedish Embassy still shows a trippy video to groups of visiting school kids. I took groups of high schoolers there a couple times, and the video they showed was seriously far out!

Shlara said...

I'll ask about that too--maybe she can arrange for a GTB field trip...

Danimal said...

A friend of mine who is Swedish and lives in Sweden called me on Saturday. We had not spoken in about 6 months. Coincidence?

zman said...

My ex-wife liked to eat Swedish fish, and now we know that Swedish fish like to chew on balls. If I knew this information 15 years ago I could have saved myself lots of pain.

zman said...

Danimal, did he call to break your balls?

Thank you, I'm here all week.

zman said...

WashPo horning in on NY Post: "Anthony Weiner Flops in Siena Poll."

rob said...

z, apologies. the gtb investigative staff is chronically underfunded.

TR said...

It's raining cats and dogs (but not men) in Denver. It is impeding my ability to make poor decisions I will regret tomorrow. This saddens me greatly.

Dave said...

just finished the section in "infinite jest" when orin thinks he has sex with a swedish hand-model, but she's probably NOT a swedish hand model (and instead some sort of canadian separatist). spooky.