Sunday, September 29, 2013


It's fair to say that the G:TB community has done it's fair share of experimentation with the fruits of fermentation. We enjoy a tipple from time to time, for certain. (Time to time, in this case, defined as "each day".) One might even argue that we're something of experts on the art of intoxication.

News from Texas, however, threatens to paint us all as mere pikers.
A 61-year-old man — with a history of home-brewing — stumbled into a Texas emergency room complaining of dizziness. Nurses ran a Breathalyzer test. And sure enough, the man's blood alcohol concentration was a whopping 0.37 percent, or almost five times the legal limit for driving in Texas.

There was just one hitch: The man said that he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol that day.
His wife, friends, and doctors were puzzled. The obvious answer: he'd been sneaking drinks, like most mornings for Teejay at the Cracker Factory. But as a pair of clinicians dug into the issue, they found something astounding:
So the team searched the man's belongings for liquor and then isolated him in a hospital room for 24 hours. Throughout the day, he ate carbohydrate-rich foods, and the doctors periodically checked his blood for alcohol. At one point, it rose 0.12 percent.

Eventually, McCarthy and Cordell pinpointed the culprit: an overabundance of brewer's yeast in his gut.

That's right, folks. According to Cordell and McCarthy, the man's intestinal tract was acting like his own internal brewery.

The patient had an infection with , Cordell says. So when he ate or drank a bunch of starch — a bagel, pasta or even a soda — the yeast fermented the sugars into ethanol, and he would get drunk. Essentially, he was brewing beer in his own gut. Cordell and McCarthy the case of "auto-brewery syndrome" a few months ago in the International Journal of Clinical Medicine.
It goes without saying that this paints home-brewing in an entirely different light. And offers more than a few of us an expansive new canvas upon which to express our excuse-making talent.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

"To The Pain" CFB Picks: What Week Is This?

I have returned from Vegas just in time to post this. Hooray me.

Mark's Picks

After a truly miserable slate of games last week, we're treated a really nice day of intra-conference battles. Most of the best games, outside of LSU-Georgia, take place in the evening so rest up, get a good base and be prepared to stay up later than you should with Danimal and I.

California @ Oregon (-36): I've been riding Oregon throughout their non-conference schedule and I'm not about to stop just because the PAC-12 schedule has begun. California may be the worst team in the entire conference this year. At least they look like it so far. I don't expect a trip to Autzen Stadium to change that. These lines continue to be huge for the Ducks but if any offense can handle it, it's this one. I'm sure taking Oregon every week will come back to bite me at some point but it won't be this week. Ducks win! A woo-ooh! 

Stanford (-9) @ Washington State: Stanford may not be as flashy or as explosive as Oregon but they're nearly as good and certainly a tough enough team to handle a neutral site game in Seattle against Wazzu. I was surprised that this line wasn't double digits but Washington State looks to be much improved this year…on defense. I know, you and I are just as surprised as Mike Leach. His offense is still mediocre but his defense has carried the day so far. Beating USC and hanging with Auburn in a tight game on the plains. I think the Cougars will make this a game for the first half before they eventually wear down, as most teams do agains the physical, relentless attack of the Cardinal. Stanford wins by two touchdowns.

Wisconsin @ Ohio State (-6): While everyone has been busy talking about how shitty Louisville's schedule is, and it definitely is. Ohio State doesn't exactly have a gauntlet of top tier opponents awaiting them either. After this game the Buckeyes may not face another top 25 team until the final game of the year against Michigan. And there's no guarantee the Wolverines will be in the top 25 after two marrow escapes against Toledo and UConn. I don't believe Ohio State is a top 5 team in the country but they're easily the best team in the Big Ten. Wisconsin was screwed by the PAC-12 officials at the end of their game against Arizona State but that doesn't change the fact that they were losing to the Sun Devils late. If Wisconsin can't win in Tempe, I don't see them making Ohio State sweat in Columbus. Buckeyes.

Danimal Picks

The GTB pick’em contest has Mark leading 9-3 vs Danimal’s 6-6. You’d think 3 straight weeks of going 2-1 would allow Danimal to pick up a game or two, but not to be.

Oklahoma -3.5 at ND: Home dogs are the Irish. The Sooners are coming to town with the “Belldozer”, Blake Bell starting at QB. Blake was the first person to score a TD on the Irish last year eight games into the season. He’s a bruiser of a QB at 6’6” and 260 pounds. OKLA had a bye week this past Saturday. The week before they played Tulsa where the Blakester threw for 400+ yards and 4 TD’s. (“Well look at the big brains on Blake!”) Not bad. The Irish are, well, the Irish. I liken them to Mark’s boy Aaron Murray, the Game Manager. That’s what Brian Kelly and his team are - they are game managers. They’ve improved significantly on the defensive side of the ball, allowing on average over 400 yards in weeks 1 & 2 against Temple & Michigan and 275 yards against Purdue & Michigan State respectively. BK has managed the QB formerly known as Tommy Turnover with just the right amount of caution. They lack the catalysts on offense this year, at least in the backfield to wow anyone. After last week’s nice showing by Corey Robinson, true frosh WR and son of the David Robinson, ND enters with some really nice depth among the receiving corp. No real standouts but I think just enough solidity to keep it competitive. I don’t know who the eff wins this game but I think it will be tiiieeeet, 2-3 points either way.
Oh Danny Boy….the pipes the pipes are calling you…..GO IRISH!

USC +6 at ASU: Love me some Tempe, especially after last week’s post. Guilty as charged, this is one of those “feel it” picks, filled with laziness and ambivalence, UNTIL I looked into a tad bit further and hey, whaddayaknow, the data substantiates the gut…kinda. If you watched much of the Sun Devils game against Stanford last week, you know the 42-28 final score was not as close as the final tally. That’s not a poke at ASU, Stanford is the real deal. I’m just saying that what looks like a respectable finish on paper was in reality, very close to a bona fide blowout. The dillio is as follows….USC’s passing game is hurrible, averaging just under one hundred and 69 yards per contest. The good news is their opponents average just over that number, at 171. The TROJANS, (as an aside...when I see “TROJANS” I always think of the time in high school when my father comes into the house to tell me he found my “doo-dads” in the car, of course referring to the box of condoms, unopened TROJANS, that me and I think all males that weren’t having sex had in their possession to show that the we were having sex even though we actually weren’t, but it was really horrifying and embarrassing b/c my dad who is a super dude and I just didn’t have that sort of bond ya know…ugh, it makes me cringe thinking about it today) have 4 guys, 3 really, that run the ball with any regularity, all with a greater than 5 yard average per carry. They also have too many turnovers, 8 in fact, but something tells me they’re going to clean that up this week. I’m 1-0 with Laney’s Lackey’s….and I think he/they are so desperate to salvage things in SoCal this year that they are further going to straighten their shit out and who knows, maybe even get a V this week. Ya smell it? Smells like….Victory. DOO-DADS!

soooooo haaard…..this last pick is just really really tough. I don’t know who to choose from. I’ll put myself out there – probably will only “bet” a few of these but it’s who I like…
Miami (OH) +24.5 vs ILL
WI +7 vs Ohio State tempted to take CAL vs the Ducks cuz that’s A LOT of points plus Mark is sure to take the Ducks…maybe next week we’ll have another head-to-head.
LSU +3 vs GA….and the pick goes to…..

WISCAAAANSIN getting 7 against the 2nd biggest douche bag in college football, Urban Meyer. Urban gets taken down, taken down to China Town tomorrow. This is an emotional pick, so what. I want to root harder than normal against the Buckeyes. Plus I love saying WISCAAAANSIN! Buck’ schedule to date must be the weakest amongst D1 schools in the world. It’s pathetic. Fuck the Bucks. Go Beeeadgers!

Friday, September 27, 2013

G:TB is for the Children

Gheorghe: The Blog, like the Wu-Tang Clan, is for the kids. Now, it might seem strange that a blog that spends an inordinate amount of it's time discussing sports, drinking and jackassery while frequently displaying pictures of women of less than the highest moral standard is all about the childrens, but that's just because you don't "get us". Much like Trick Daddy, we luhv the kids. So much so that many of us have them. And some of us even actively participate in the lives of these children.

There's a problem with these kids though. They rarely, if ever, have the same interests as adults. So, as an adult, you have to make a sacrifice. Or, you can brainwash your kids into liking the same things you like. That's the approach I'm taking. My 1.5 year old daughter can already do the Gator Chomp. And she's already listening to hip hop. I've picked out songs that have some distinctive sounds she can repeat, and then I play them in my car all the time. Songs like this:

And this:

She's learning well. And I've found another way to actually have her "learn" while still force feeding my love of hip hop to her. Courtesy of none other than Bun B. It's Bun B's Rap Coloring and Activity Book. I picked up my copy last week. If your kids still like to color, or do word searches, or play connect the dots, among other childhood activities, I strongly encourage you to get them their own copy. You won't regret it.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Derby Days Are Here Again

We're once again joined by FOG:TB Ryan, who offers his thoughts on derbies, scrumpy, and Rutgers football. As our editorial calendar is somewhat loose, and our editors somewhat absent-minded, please ignore the fact that this should've been posted last Friday. Pretend you're living in the past. For some, this won't be difficult.

Allo mate! Just when you hoped to forget about the Premier League, surprise, surprise, it’s back like a McRib with herpes. After my last post, I encouraged you to pick a team. I listed 6 ‘contenders’ to choose from and Fulham for you sociopaths.

You may be surprised to learn that the 6 contenders all occupy the top 6 spots and Fulham does not but you shouldn’t be. This may change in the near future but it won’t; the Premier League is as predictable as a man on Molly’s infatuation with a double rainbow.

As Manchester United play Manchester City this Sunday, today’s installation will focus on what Brits refer to as a derby. Firstly, it’s pronounced ‘darby’, and second, potato chips are called ‘crisps’ over there.  Does America do derbies? Yes, do they mean much? Not really. Does anyone really get that fired up for Mets-Yankees or Giants-Jets? Would a Giants fan beat up a Jets fans dog and slight it for being a ‘Fenian bastard’?  Actually, maybe.

British derbies take many forms; they can be based on location or direction (London derby (any London team), North London derby (Spurs-Arsenal), West London derby (Chelsea vs. Fulham vs. QPR). They can be based on a single river (Merseyside derby between Liverpool and Everton) or even two rivers (Tyne-Wear derby between Newcastle and Sunderland). Of course the best are based on politics and/or religion. Much like Stateside, this is when people who know very little about either come out in droves to deliver plates of rhetoric with sides of casual violence, well-fortified by Miller Lite or Scrumpy Jack.

The best part of a derby is the tribalism that ensues pre and post game. British hooliganism is dead for the most part but if you’re a fan of the occasional flare-up these are the fixtures to see in the flesh. A man is on trial this month for punching a police horse in last April’s Tyne-Wear derby. A dog in Glasgow dressed in Celtic’s kit was kicked and accused of being a ‘Fenian bastard’ by a couple of Rangers fans.  Occasionally, these enthusiasts even attack things capable of hitting them back.

Unfortunately the greatest British derby, Glasgow’s Rangers and Celtic (the Old Firm) has gone the way of Dave’s hair. You could always count on brogue and burr-inflected sectarian violence when these two Glasgow teams met.  Sixty-six people were crushed to death in 1971 inside Ibrox stadium, Glasgow police note 10-fold increases of violence and domestic abuse cases double. It made it even better that these two teams were the only ones to win Scottish Premier League title since 1985 although this is hardly a ringing endorsement for SPL soccer.  However, Rangers FC went into administration in 2012 and as a result was demoted to a lower division so SPL is now a one-team league. Fortunately, Rangers will be back if they get promoted and Dave’s crowning glory can be restored much like Wayne Rooney’s over the past year.

So don’t forget this Sunday is derby day, embrace your inner Mancunian self. Are you for United or City? Red or blue? It matters not, drink some scrumpy and down some crisps, this will likely be another 2 hour, 0-0 draw. (Editor's note: It was not.)

Also, Rutgers to beat Hogs in closely contested non-derby on the banks of the Old Raritan this Saturday.  (Editor's note: They did.) Paul James to run all over Hogs who made the mistake of eating Fat Koko’s at greasetrucks the night before.  Don’t tell me you aren’t dreaming of a little Jersey gourmet fare as well right now:

Ooh rah ooh rah Rutgers rah!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Part II: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

In Part I of this piece I told the story of the time my son kicked my dick so hard I pissed blood. I concluded with the realization that "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!" This realization coupled with some comments last week about the use of the word "Redskins" got me thinking about some legal wrinkles in the analysis.

Here's some quick background that will make my upcoming rant more understandable. You can register a trademark with the federal government if you use that mark in commerce in connection with goods or services. In particular, you register the mark with the United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO or PTO). You submit an application and an examiner decides whether to register the mark. You have a back-and-forth dialog with the examiner but if he won't give you the mark you can appeal his refusal to the Trademark Trial and Appeal Board (TTAB). If you don't like the TTAB's decision you can appeal that to the US Court of Appeals for the Federal Circuit (CAFC). After that you're shit out of luck (SOL), unless the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) will hear the case but that's highly unlikely. If you don't like someone else's trademark you can challenge it in the TTAB, and the owner of the mark has the option to remove the matter to the US District Court for the District of Columbia (DDC). You an appeal the DDC's decision to the Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit (CADC), and again you're probably SOL if you don't like their conclusion.

In 1992 a group of seven Native Americans petitioned the TTAB to cancel the REDSKINS trademark because they found it disparaging. There were many proceedings before the TTAB, DDC, and the CADC. In the end six of the Native American petitioners' claims were dismissed based on a laches defense -- the mark was registered in 1967 and they didn't sue until 1992. Simply put, they sat on their claim for too long. (I can't believe I'm writing about laches here again.) The seventh petitioner was only a year old in 1967 so he couldn't have sued when the mark was first registered, but he turned 18 in 1984 so he waited 7 years and 9 months to file his petition. Through various intellectual convolutions, DDC decided that he wasn't reasonably diligent in bringing his claim and CADC affirmed. Here's the CADC opinion. There may have been more opinions after this one but the gist is that these folks waited too long to complain that they were offended by the use of the name REDSKINS.

The obvious solution to this problem is to find a bunch of Native American kids with the same birth date and file a petition on their behalf on the day they turn 18. This is why people hate lawyers.

In fact I think someone has already started to put such a group of petitioners together. But what happens next? Well, the TTAB or DDC have to decide if the mark is "immoral, deceptive, or scandalous" under Section 2 of the Lanham Act. What does that mean? That means the petitioner must demonstrate that mark is shocking to sense of truth, decency, or propriety; disgraceful; offensive; disreputable; giving offense to conscience or moral feelings; or calling out for condemnation.

How the hell do you do that? Sometimes it's easy, like when you have a smutty mark. CAFC recently affirmed the TTAB's refusal of "COCK SUCKER" which was intended to be used on chocolate lollipops shaped like roosters. Apparently the target audience was students at the University of South Carolina and Jackson State University because they both have gamecock mascots. Seriously, read the opinion.

"COCK SUCKER" is clearly vulgar and I don't know why CAFC needed 13 pages to reach that conclusion but I'm not a judge so what do I know. Similarly, the following smutty marks have been refused by CAFC and/or TTAB:

A photo of a man and a woman with the man's penis exposed, used to promote swinging
SEX ROD (opposed by the Red Sox in part because it was in the same font as their trademark)

But they allowed "BIG PECKER BRAND" because "use of the term 'pecker' meaning penis is rapidly becoming archaic" and just isn't offensive anymore. So start throwing that term around the office and if anyone reports you to HR tell them to take it up with the TTAB.

In the context of disparaging marks, the TTAB applies the following test:

(1) what is the likely meaning of the matter in question, taking into account not only dictionary definitions, but also the relationship of the matter to the other elements in the mark, the nature of the goods or services, and the manner in which the mark is used in the marketplace in connection with the goods or services; and
(2) if that meaning is found to refer to identifiable persons, institutions, beliefs or national symbols, whether that meaning may be disparaging to a substantial composite of the referenced group.

How does this play out in practice? Oddly. For example, in In re Squaw Valley Dev. Co., the TTAB concluded that the marks "SQUAW" and "SQUAW ONE" were offensive when used to sell clothing or retail store services in the field of sporting goods or equipment. They reached this conclusion after reviewing a plethora of dictionaries, articles, state laws, and other sources showing that "SQUAW" is an offensive term for a Native American woman. However, they decided that "SQUAW" was not offensive when used to sell skis, ski poles, ski bindings, and other ski equipment because Squaw Valley is a ski resort and it's often referred to simply as "Squaw." Again, people hate lawyers for a reason.

Similarly, the mark "HEEB" was refused (by a panel of judges named Seeherman, Holtzman, and Kuhlke) as disparaging to Jews. But by contrast, "MAFIA BRAND" and "JUNIOR M.A.F.I.A." (Biggie!) were allowed because "MAFIA" isn't disparaging to Italians ... according to two panels of judges named Chapman, Hairston, and Bottorff; and Simms, Walters, and McLeod, respectively.

Sometimes reading cases is fun: "BLACK TAIL" was used to sell noodie magazines and it was allowed because:

As the Court said in Mavety, and as the present record shows, the word “tail” can have a variety of meanings as applied to an adult entertainment magazine. In particular, the dictionary definitions show that “tail” can mean “buttocks,” and there is no indication from the dictionary definitions that such a meaning would be considered vulgar.

Having reviewed the issue of BLACK TAIL magazine which is of record herein, we find it difficult to believe that anyone, seeing the mark used for such a publication, would consider the phrase to refer simply to buttocks. The photographs in the publication are photographs of nude and scantily-clad African-American women, and while many of the photographs feature the rear ends of these women, a large number feature their breasts and genitalia, often showing the women using their fingers to further expose themselves. However, our principal reviewing Court stated quite clearly in Mavety that, in view of the existence of an alternate, non-vulgar definition of “tail,” the Board, without more, erred in concluding that in the context of an adult entertainment magazine, a substantial composite of the general public would necessarily attach to the mark BLACK TAIL the vulgar meaning of “tail” as a female sexual partner, rather than the admittedly non-vulgar meaning of “tail” as rear end. 31 USPQ2d 16 1928. Given that opposers have not provided any further evidence as to the meaning of “tail” than was present before the Court during the appeal, we cannot conclude that it is the vulgar meaning that the relevant public would attach to the mark, nor can the Board substitute its own judgment for that of the perspective of the relevant public.

Can you imagine reviewing back issues of Black Tail magazine in your office with a valid work-related reason?!? I need to get a job on the TTAB! Out of respect for the women of G:TB, this is the only Black Tail photo I will post here.

So what does all this mean for "REDSKINS"? My hunch is that it will be canceled. In order for a mark to be offensive "a substantial composite of the referenced group" must feel disparaged. Here are some data from the TTAB proceeding involving the REDSKINS mark:

As we already saw, "SQUAW" was not allowed in some circumstances (i.e., when it wasn't clearly tied to Squaw Valley) because it was found to be offensive, but less than half of Native Americans (47.2%) surveyed felt offended by it. So you don't need to demonstrate a consensus to establish that a mark is disparaging. In fact, the judges who denied the HEEB mark noted that "While case law does not provide a fixed number or percentage, it is well established that a 'substantial composite' is not necessarily a majority." Given that 36.6% of Native Americans surveyed (i.e., more than 1 in 3) and 46.2% of the general population are offended by "REDSKINS," I can easily see the mark being canceled (once the stupid laches shenanigans are avoided). The "HEEB" opinion suggests that if a sub-population within the group in question is offended, then the "substantial composite" requirement is met, and a smart lawyer should be able to parcel out a particular sub-population of Native Americans to win cancelation.

To that point, Rick Reilly clearly isn't a trademark lawyer. There was an LA-based rap group called N.W.A. that was popular in the late 80's/early 90's. You may have heard of them. According to their Wikipedia page, N.W.A. stands for "N***az Wit Attitudes." N.W.A. registered the "N.W.A." mark with the USPTO. They did not, however, register "N***AZ WIT ATTITUDES". Clearly they aren't offended by the word "n***az," and neither are countless other emcees who throw the word around, so in Rick Reilly's world what's the problem? In fact, many people have tried to register marks containing this word but none have been allowed. And obviously the NAACP would win if they petitioned the TTAB to cancel a mark containing this word. So just because some Native Americans don't mind calling themselves "REDSKINS" doesn't mean that the term isn't offensive to other Native Americans. Or perhaps to put too fine a point on it, what does Rick Reilly think would happen if they changed the team name to the Washington Niggaz? Chris Rock pondered this previously but I can't find the video.

Of course, even if the federal registration of the REDSKINS mark gets canceled, Snyder et al. can continue to use it and can probably even enforce infringement of the mark in state court. But can you imagine how shitty Snyder would look if a panel of federal appellate judges decide that "REDSKINS" is too racist a word to receive federal protection but he continues to use it nonetheless? No one can be that tone deaf.

I joked yesterday that they should become the Washington Hematuria but I did a google image search and found nothing that would look good on a helmet. So here is a handful of suggestions.

WASHINGTON WASPS - tons of them in Northern Virginia and they'd love to rock "WASP" hats with plaid shorts and Topsiders. They can keep the colors too.

WASHINGTON VICTORS - hail to the victors, hail victory. The song writes itself. And it needs to be rewritten.

WASHINGTON RATTLESNAKES - they can keep the "R" trademark and the colors, and this particular snake is found in Maryland:

WASHINGTON GIBBSES - how fucking dope would this look on a helmet?

WASHINGTON RHINOS - tough as nails, they keep the "R", and no one else uses it. Sure, there are no rhinos in DC but how many Native Americans do you see in the District?

My work here is done. Next week I'll solve another major American crisis that arises in G:TB's comments.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Part I: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

I spent the first 36 years of my life operating under the assumption that I would never have children. I don't like spending time with kids very much and they seem to be a massive financial loss center. My general lack of parental role models coupled with my miserable shrew of a first wife made me feel like I would be doing our offspring a disservice by trying to raise him or her.

But then I met zwoman and realized that being married with children could be a good thing, and it turns out this was the best thing I ever did. I am happier than I've ever been and I love my son beyond words. Indeed, I cannot find the words to explain why I still love him so much (or why I even allow him to continue to live in my house) after the events of last Saturday.

zson enjoys climbing and jumping all over me and I enjoy the roughhousing almost as much as he does. He's only 2 1/2 though, so his toes are very small and the bones inside them are sharp and pointy, with not a lot of meat surrounding them. That is to say, it hurts when he pokes you with his toes.

zson was doing one of his favorite maneuvers: while I sit in our recliner with my feet on the ottoman, he walks across my legs and jumps from my knees into my body. We've done this many times with nary an injury. Until last Saturday. As he had done countlessly, zson walked onto my knees and leapt forward like Jimmy Snuka.

Notice how Snuka's left foot is cocked back? That's exactly how zson flew at me. As all 40 pounds of him flopped onto my chest, he whipped his shoeless foot straight down, impaling his pointy little toes flush into the shaft of zpenis. To say that I experienced pain is to say that the Grand Canyon is a big hole. It was not unlike this. I folded up like a jackknife. I saw stars. My mouth snapped open but no sound could come out. zwoman's hand immediately shot to her mouth. zson laughed and rolled off me so that he could do it again.

The pain subsided relatively quickly. About 30 minutes later I felt no lingering effects from the affront to my schwantz, and I went into the bathroom to pee. I let loose the Kraken and it showed no ill effects from the blow it suffered. I pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the bowl, and let pee fly. For a second nothing happened; what happened next will haunt me forever. A large, shiny, burgundy mass shot out of my dick, much like John Hurt's famous "chester" scene in "Aliens" ... with my dick playing the role of Hurt's chest.

The blob looked like a cross between that little alien's head and a squashed grape. It hit the inside of the bowl with an audible "splat" and was followed by a contrail of what looked like fruit punch. But it was not fruit punch. It was blood-soaked urine. I finished before these events could register in my mind, wiped the fruit punch off of the rim, and flushed the alien baby down.

Once I realized what had happened I staggered into the family room and took to my iPad. I entered "blood clot in urine" and what I read sent me into a cold sweat and a Tony Soprano-esque panic attack. Kidney failure. Bladder cancer. Urinary tract infection. Kidney stones. Prostate cancer.

I relayed my fears to zwoman and because she is the most wonderful woman in the world she calmly noted, "Well, you did just get kicked in the dick ... really hard." She suggested I go to an urgent care facility. I peed fruit punch again (but no alien baby blood clots) so I went. In a long discussion with the doctor, I realized that I just had a physical for life insurance a few months earlier and that my application was approved, so I can't have all of the diseases I feared. The doctor (who was a lady and kindly did not make me whip it out for examination, but did ask for a sample of my fruit punch) said "You have a lot of blood in your urine but I think your son hit you just right and broke a capillary or two." Just right indeed.

I went home with my fears allayed. The next time I peed it was much less fruit punchy. And then the time after that produced a yellow bowl with just a few maroon streaks. Because I'm an idiot my immediate reaction was "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!"

Stay tuned for Part II coming tomorrow: my legal justification for changing the Washington Redskins' name to the Washington Hematuria!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Shit Yourself Monday

The 1996 film, Broken Arrow, was an entertainingly stupid caper flick about a stolen nuclear weapon. John Travolta, Christian Slater, and (memorably) Howie Long chewed scenery for 108 minutes before Slater, the ever-cute Samantha Mathis (so great in The Thing Called Love), and good triumph over evil and the free world (or at least Salt Lake City) is saved.

Recently declassified documents tell a story of a far more terrifying 1961 incident involving American nuclear weapons. We're talking Travolta-in-Battlefield-Earth terrifying. Say goodbye to the Eastern Seaboard terrifying. Ted Cruz as President terrifying.

According to a 1969 report authored by a Pentagon safety expert obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request by author Eric Schlosser, a B-52 was forced to jettison a pair of Mark 39 nuclear bombs over North Carolina. The Mark 39's were 250 times more powerful than the bomb that leveled Hiroshima in 1945.

While this seems scary on the face of it, nuclear devices are equipped with a number of redundant failsafe systems designed to mitigate against accidental detonation, even when dropped from aircraft. These systems obviously worked, or the annual OBFT would be held in coastal Asheville.

Well, one of them did, anyway. Mark 39 bombs featured four separate failsafe mechanisms. In the case of one of the two munitions dropped from the faltering B-52, three of the four failed. The only backstop that performed as designed was a single toggle switch - a simple electrical circuit. The author of the 1969 report deems the failure of that switch "a postulate that seems credible".

Such a failure would've loosed 4 megatons of destructive force, sending lethal fallout as far north as Philadelphia. Setting aside the fact that losing the City of Brotherly Love might be a net positive, millions of other lives would've been jeopardized.

Writing in about Schlosser's forthcoming book, Command and Control, Will Oremus offers us this comforting conclusion:
Here’s the scary part: We still have thousands of nuclear warheads, many of which are ready to be launched at a minute’s notice. In an interview with Mother Jones, Schlosser says it’s remarkable—no, “incredible”—that a major city hasn’t been destroyed since Nagasaki. But he doesn’t think our luck will last. His prediction: “If we don’t greatly reduce the number of nuclear weapons in the world, or completely eliminate them, a major city is going to be destroyed by a nuclear weapon.”
Hey, have a great week!

Sunday, September 22, 2013


This guy turns...
this many years old...


Also on this date in history, Tommy Lasorda, Lute Olson, Scott Baio, Mystikal and Toni Basil were born, and National Geographic magazine was launched. The latter gives me an excuse to post this picture (it's science, ladies, get your minds out of the gutter):

Saturday, September 21, 2013

TTP Week 4: Where Danimal Sends Picks Written On Tuesday

Have to go to Parents Weekend right now, here are your combatants, unedited (and without links or pics)

Danimal Picks

use this…found a typo! dammmit.
early pick while the nd line at 7 and md line at 6.5…note, I wrote this yesterday.
both of my lines have moved…2 points in my favor on the nd game and 1.5 on the md game… just in case anyone says, “hey…what’s the dillio?...” okay tough guy?

Coming in at 4-5 to Mark’s 7-2, The Danimal (TD) needs to make a push here in Week 4. Does it seem small if I keep adding my money bet record is also at 7-2? Well color me Rob. Why don’t I bet the same you ask? Well, last week I did, 3 of the 4 games anyway with the other being an anti-Jags bet. Yeah, I’m a fan of theirs but right now I’m just rooting for #1 Draft Pick.

West Virginia +6.5 at Maryland: When was the last time Maryland was a favorite against the Mountaineers? Nineteen hundred and Never is my guess. That’s irrelevant now. Doesn’t matter. What matters is today people! Maryland is 3-0! They’ve scored 40+ points per game!
The ‘eers, remember them – they almost lost to the Lame’o’s of Laycock. At home! Twerps are producing some points by way of the airways too, which is not a stregthfth of the boys from Mo-town, defending the pass that is. And that’s why I’m going with the Magic from Motown! Huh? Well I failed to mention the Terps’ wins were against Florida International, ODU, and UConn, a combined 1-7. At least WVU went into Norman and gave ‘em a run. And since College Park is within 500 miles of West by God, you’ll see many a muskets and coonskin caps around town, making Dana’s boys feel right at home. And who names their kid Dana? I feel bad for him. Come here buddy, let’s hug it out! TAKE ME HOOOOOME COUNTRY ROOOOAAADS…..TO THE PLACE…..I BELONG WEST VIRGINIAAAA MOUNTAINEERS! 

Michigan State +7 at ND: Wait what?! Huh? Before seeing this line I would have thought at best that it would have been a pick’em and 3,4 points at most in favor of the Irish. The greeny’s from East Lansing I am told are strong to very strong as dogs on the road. These are two average teams, one of which has YET to cover a spread. I’m expecting a real close one here because Notre Dame simply aren’t world beaters. To steal a little bit of Guy Fieri’s schtick… “ya got the great record against the spread on the road, ND’s struggles against everyone due to a lackluster D, and a rivalry that typically begets last minute drama, and I gotta take the Spartans with me to Flavortown!”

North Texas vs Georgia Over/Under 66.5: The final score to this game will be 49-17. Forty-nine plus seventeen = sixty-six. Sixty-six << sixty-six and a half. ‘Nuff said.

Mark Picks

Holy shit this is one lackluster week in college football. Unless you have a particular rooting interest in a specific game, laying some money down on a few games might be the only way to make watching this Saturday full of dog baby games worth it. Luckily for me, Florida takes on Tennessee to kick off their SEC season AND I'm a degenerate gambler. So, per usual, a big fall Saturday is in store for me. And, since you're reading this, that also means some wagering advice for you.

Michigan (-17.5) at UConn: Danimal was a week early in taking Michigan. I can't say I blame him though. He watched the Wolverines take a part his beloved Fighting Irish two weeks ago in impressive fashion. Then he saw Toledo coming to town and figured there was no way a MAC team led by not one, but two Bowden brothers was ripe for the picking. It made sense at the time. Terry and Jeff nearly destroyed two prominent southern football programs in Auburn and FSU, respectively, and Akron hadn't won a road game in 27 consecutive attempts (now 28). Unfortunately for Danimal, last week was the classic let down game. Michigan was uninspired and sluggish for the noon kickoff against the Zips (RAYCESS!) and they barely left Michigan Stadium with a win. Michigan reverts to the form of their first two games this week against the Huskies. Partially because Michigan is a good football team who will be focused after narrowly avoiding a monumental upset, and partially because UConn is hot garbage. Hot, Italian, Paul Pasqualoni led garbage. Hail to the 18 or more point victors.

Arizona State @ Stanford (-5.5): This line started at Stanford (-7.5) and has dropped a full two points this week. I can't quite understand why enough people would be betting the Sun Devils to affect the line so dramatically, but I'm happy to take the extra points. Stanford Head Coach David Shaw has taken what Jim Harbaugh started at Stanford and kept it rolling. In fact, you could make the case he's increased the visibility and success of the Cardinal. I don't buy Arizona State. They are the west coast's poor man's Clemson. I'll believe they're a legit top 25 program when i see it consistently. Not when they luck into a win against a down Wisconsin team at home because the PAC-12 secretly substituted an ACC officiating crew for maximum fuckupedness (not a word but I like it). Stanford is much better than Arizona State. Cardinal win.

Question: What's more impressive?
This TED speech by David Shaw?

Or the girls at ASU? I'll hang up and listen

Missouri (-2) @ Indiana: This game has actually dropped to a pick 'em (but I took the Tigers a few days back). Which shows you the lack of respect that bettors have for Missouri. Indiana, per usual is absolutely awful. The Hoosiers gave up 41 points and lost at home to an very average Navy team. Missouri returns their starting QB and a number of other offensive skill position players but struggled at home against Toledo. I think Missouri will win by more than a TD but that probably had more to do with the long and storied history of Indiana Football suckitude than anything with Missouri. How the fuck did the SEC let such a shitty program Like Mizzou in to their exclusive party? Fuck if I know. Either way, the worst of the three SEC Tigers win.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Last Night's Boxes

Tigers 5, Mariners 4

Winning Pitcher:   Fister

Losing Pitcher:   Furbush

Save:  Benoit

Come on.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

GTB's Kind of Swine

Courtesy of @BadNewsHughes, who first saw the link on @wrightthompson's timeline, comes this charming tale of Br-acon Bad (my god that was awful):
Pig in Australia Steals 18 Beers from Campers, Gets Drunk, Fights Cow
At a campground in Western Australia over the weekend, a feral pig guzzled down 18 beers that had been left out improperly secured. And just like anyone 18 beers in at a rural dive bar, the pig got big-headed and decided to start a fight with a cow, resulting in the cow chasing the pig around a car.
Too bad this little guy didn't rough up Maxwell the GEICO pig. He deserves a serious beatdown.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Vote Early, Often

As many of you know, I've spent a good deal of time over the past 18 months in Minneapolis. It's a terrific place, full of friendly people, fantastic food, a great arts scene, a vibrant outdoor culture, and even a strong hip-hop subculture. I'm even friends with the former mayor, who's a colleague of mine.

Speaking of Minneapolis and mayors, I think I know who I'd vote for if in the upcoming election were I a resident of that fine town. Jeffrey Alan Wagner has a strong message for his mild-mannered (and apparently sleepy) fellow citizens, one I think we can all get behind:

Wagner, described in various media outlets as both a member of the Republican and Democratic–Farmer–Labor parties, is one of 37 candidates vying for the $100,000/year job. Thus far, he's the only one who has appeared on camera rising out of one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes.

(Going full Minneapolis, enjoy the bonus Dessa track below, from her 2013 release, 'Parts of Speech'.)

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


Apparently, last week was new York Fashion Week (my invite must've been lost in the mail). And who better than "don't call us a fast food" chain Subway to unveil some dynamic new looks. No, seriously, they called it "Project Subway" (zman will appreciate such a timely and comical pop culture reference)...


Hey Subway, you couldn't at least given some of these ladies a free sub (or 12) to bulk up? They make Karen Carpenter look obese.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Judge Nathan is Dope, Probably Reads G:TB

Judge Alison Nathan has a lot in common with Judge Paul Engelmayer, who our loyal readers will remember from our "Dope Little Lawsuit" post. According to her Wikipedia page, Judge Nathan clerked for the Supreme Court and practiced law at the same fancy firm as Judge Engelmayer. President Obama nominated both to S.D.N.Y. where they both sit on the bench. Unlike Judge Engelmayer, Judge Nathan was born in 1972. She was nominated to the bench in 2011 when she was 39 years old. I suspect that she was the youngest Article III judge in the country at that point and even if she wasn't, her biography show that she is a remarkably high achiever.

Perhaps because of her young age, Judge Nathan appears to be a fan of (or to at least have a nominal amount of familiarity with) the Beastie Boys, unlike Judge Engelmayer. I say this because she recently issued an opinion in the case of TufAmerica Inc. v. Diamond, and it's an entertaining read. Here's how she introduces the Beasties:

Then she got dope and dropped this footnote:

You don't see Urban Dictionary getting much judicial notice these days outside of S.D.N.Y. where the judges keep it real. Then she drops further science:

The case itself involves music "sampling," which the Oxford Dictionary defines as "the technique of digitally encoding music or sound and reusing it as part of a composition or recording."
Judge Nathan then drops a footnote citing further support explaining what a sample is for the benefit of readers trapped in a cultural black hole:

Judicial opinions are by and large drier than sawdust and about as much fun to ponder. Winking acknowledgements from a judge showing that she's down makes my job at G:TB so much better.

The dispute at issue in the case stems from sampling performed by the Beasties of various Trouble Funk songs. Here's a handy chart:

And here are links to the songs at issue:

Say What
Drop the Bomb
Let's Get Small
Good to Go

Car Thief
Hold It Now Hit It
The New Style
B-Boy Bouillabaisse/A.W.O.L. - EMI blocked it on YouTube for copyright infringement but if you don't have Paul's Boutique in your iPod already, stop reading, go get a clue, then go get the album. I'll wait for you to catch up.

The Beastie Boys moved to dismiss for failure to state a claim upon which relief could be granted. In explaining her reasoning as to which test of infringement to apply, Judge Nathan noted that one test examines "the 'parroting [of] properties that are apparent only when numerous aesthetic decisions embodied in the the plaintiff's work of art ... are considered in relation to one another'" and in contrast, "[u]nlike this latter type of copying, in cases of fragmented literal similarity, there are no blurred lines between what was or was not taken." Get it? There are blurred lines when you parrot another artist's aesthetic decisions? Because despite what Robin Thicke says, Blurred Lines (SFW version) parrots another artist's aesthetic decisions? Judge Nathan clearly reads GTB.

Challah at me if you want a copy of the opinion because after she slogs through various procedural issues it's a fun read. The Beasties won on four of the six claims, but the Say What and Let's Get Small claims survive. Probably because Judge Nathan is eager to issue another opinion where she gets to write "and we love the hot butter, 'say what,' the popcorn" and "Now I want y'all to break this down."

Just when I thought the opinion was winding down, Judge Nathan turned to a new issue ... claim accrual!!! And her decision to apply the injury rule turned on ... wait for it ... Urbont v. Sony Music Entm't!!! Judge Nathan totally reads this blog. And as a result, the Beasties are only on the hook for infringement that occurred after May 12, 2009, to the extent that they are on the hook at all. And if they wind up on the hook I'm sure they'll Harry Houdini out the cuffs and kick the screw in the knee. Just a hunch.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

TTP Week Three Pick 'Em: Back in Training

We are back once again, with our third installment of the "To The Pain" picks. This week, Mark not only delivered his selections well ahead of time, but he provided you, the loyal G:TB reader, with some bonus action. Danimal, fresh off his stint in China and an overnight at Casa de BaconTeej, provided the bare minimum in effort and prose, but maybe that will be the key in his quest to not get run out of the gym by the tattooed pick 'em savant.

Mark Picks

Tennessee @ Oregon: (-26.5): Another week and another huge line for the Ducks. And I'll happily take them again. On paper Tennessee seems like a more formidable foe than Virginia but a little deeper look tells you that might not be the case. First, this game is in Eugene, one of the best home environments in college football. Secondly, this is an extremely young Volunteer team. They have 18 freshman in their two deep and I don't think I'm breaking any news when I tell you that none of those freshman have ever played in an atmosphere like they'll see on Saturday. Finally, Tennessee's impressive 52-20 victory over Western Kentucky isn't as impressive you learn that the Hilltopper offense turned the ball over 5 times in the span of six offensive plays during the first half of last Saturday's game. You'd be hard pressed to turn the ball over that many times on Madden, even if you were trying (Western Kentucky turned the ball over 7 times total). The point is, I don't think Tennessee is very good. I also think Oregon might be the best team in the country. There's no doubt they're the most explosive (watch the video, Thomas' combination of speed, body control and awareness is otherworldly on his 59 yard jet sweep TD run). The Ducks win big.

Alabama (-7.5) @ Texas A&M: TJ's really letting his editorial power go to his head. First he calls me out for not being as prompt with my picks as he'd like last week and then he demands that Danimal and I pick the Bama-A&M game in this week's column. I thought this was about gambling, not TJ's own personal interests. As usual, I'm wrong. I won't' actually bet on this game because I don't have a strong enough feeling either way. However, if forced to pick (which I am) I'll go with Alabama. Not as much because of the whole tired "revenge" angle (Alabama still won the BCS Title, you know) but because of the second half adjustments that Nick Saban made during last year's loss to the Aggies. Alabama put CJ Mosley on Johnny Manziel as a spy and dropped a safety in the box for much of the second half which limited the rushing opportunities for John Football (h/t @notthefakeSVP) and forced him to beat Alabama's defense over the top. I have no reason to believe that Saban and Alabama DC Kirby Smart haven't come up with a few more defensive wrinkles to make things harder on A&M over the offseason. That, combined with my complete lack of faith in the Aggie defense means the Tide win and cover.

Louisville (-13.5) @ Kentucky: My love for Teddy Bridgewater is well documented. I've been singing his praises in the comments of this fair blog for the past 3 years now. Even his masterful performance in Louisville's Sugar Bowl whipping of my beloved alma mater can't keep me from loving Teddy B. I had the opportunity to see him play in a 7-on-7 passing camp between his junior and senior year of high school and was blown away. He was (to my untrained eye) so much more advanced as a passer than any other high school QB I'd seen. Because I live in Florida and Bridgewater played at one of the premier high school programs in South Florida (Miami Northwestern), I also had the chance to watch him play on TV numerous times during his senior year. I was no less impressed during that time either. Did I think he'd one day be a top candidate to be the first pick in the NFL Draft? I won't say that I projected that but I was very confident he'd be a top flight college QB. By this point, everyone knows about Teddy Bridgewater. And most people know about the schedule of cupcakes that Louisville has in 2013. The Kentucky game ranks as one of their biggest tests. No, really. With that said, I don't think it's going to be much of a test for more than a quarter or two. Kentucky lost to Western Kentucky a couple of weeks ago. The Wildcats are about to lose to another in-state rival, and lose big. Cardinals, Cardinals, Cardinals.

(Bonus picks)

Saints (-3) @ Bucs: The Bucs are a fucking mess. They had a MRSA breakout in their locker room which led to their kicker's wife calling out the organization on Twitter. Their coach may or may not have rigged a team vote to strip the captaincy of their starting QB. That same starting QB missed the team picture two weeks ago. And they lost their first game to the Jets. A game which saw them penalized 13 times (Wasn't Greg Schiano supposed to be all about discipline?), the last of which directly led to the game winning FG for New York and, oh yeah, the offense was openly fighting on the sidelines during the game. Things are just great in Tampa Bay. With all of this going on, the Saints come to town. Did I mention that they Bucs had the worst pass defense in the league last season? No? Well, they did and it doesn't look a whole lot better this year. I fully expect the Saints to throw the ball all over the field on Sunday and drop at least 30 on Tampa. Take your kid's college fund and bet it on the Saints.

Floyd Mayweather (-200) v. Canelo Alvarez: Mayhugh is probably the only other regular G:TB reader who actually cares about this fight. I'm sure he and I care enough for the rest of you guys though. This is the biggest fight in at least the last 5 years. And I'm pumped for it. Not many people are very big Floyd Mayweather fans. He's obnoxious, materialistic and arrogant. He's also a once in a generation talent and, perhaps, the greatest defensive fighter in history. Canelo Alvarez is boxing's young rising star as well as the rare red headed Mexican (I don't now that red heads are rare in Mexico. I just assume as much). This fight has all the makings of a classic. The young up and comer taking on the established superstar near the end of his hall of fame career. I can't wait. I'll take Mayweather in a split decision.

Terrible Sunday Morning Hangover (-250) @ Me: It's a bye week for Florida so I'm taking advantage and heading off to Tampa with some friends to see Depeche Mode. As someone who grew up listening to his sister's Depeche Mode tapes, this is a pretty cool thing. I'm super excited to see a band I've been listening to for over 20 years but have never had the chance to see live. The show doesn't start until Saturday night so we'll be pre gaming with Bama-A&M. Then after the show, we'll be heading over to the Seminole Hard Rock Casino (3 miles from the concert venue and our hotel) for some ill advised gambling and to watch the Mayweather-Canelo fight. All in all, a pretty nice little Saturday (we have even hit Home Depot. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time). Of course, I'll pay the price Sunday morning. This old guy doesn't recover like he once did. The booze will win. It always does.

Danimal Picks

Hmmm, that guy on the far left looks vaguely familiar...
Apologies for the shortness here. It’s been a whirlwind of a week which as you know included a wonderful evening at the Doylestown Inn & Club. If you have the means, I highly recommend a visit.

I actually tried to get ahead of the game on this by looking at the games this Monday, but it didn’t quite work out as planned. If you’re counting at home, you know that Mark is a very impressive 5-1 on the year; Danimal not so much at 2-4. (2-1 on money bets!)

So let’s hop to it.

BC +13.5 vs USC: USC got shellacked last week which brings pure joy to most here. Lane’s a d-bag for sure, one of the biggest. I’m going to give him some benefit of doubt this week though and predict an adjustment of sorts. Throw in a little jet lag and time difference and I’m gonna say USC whacks the inferior athletes of BC. Love me some TROJANS!

Akron +37 vs Michigan: I saw Michigan play last week. And I followed the Akron game too. They played JMU and barely eked out a doubya. Michigan kinda sorta impressed me…the QB is someone I wish was on my team. Michigan scored 41 on ND’s average defense, but I gotta think 100X better than Akron’s right?! Sure it is! I’m taking the Wolverines and givin the points baby!

Paul William "Pug" Bryant
Bama -7.5 vs A&M: Oh boy! It’s so hard to bet against ‘Bama but as Lee Corso would say, “ah fuck it!” Hell, I think we might even see another V by the good guys (A&M). You heard it here first.



(This was authored prior to this game's postponement.  No matter! Read it!)
Fresno State (-7.5) at Colorado: Flash flooding is hitting Boulder and causing deaths. It’s worst in Lyons, Colorado, which as you know is the home of Dale’s Pale Ale. (Thank goodness for the new Brevard brewery.) The Buffs have bigger things to worry about than football and smoking weed, for once. And the Bulldogs don’t care. Ask Trent Dilfer. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Got busy in Frisco, fooled around in Fresno / Got over on your girlie cause you know she never says no. Bulldogs

Stanford (-30) at Army: The Black Knight. The Cardinal. Kind of where Holy Grail meets Spanish Inquisition. Black and red. Like a checkers game. Also, I have done wonderfully dirty things with the Army coach’s niece. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Elvis shaved his head when he went to the Army / That’s right y’all his name is Johnny. Kick it. Black Knights

Wagner (+28) at Syracuse: Wagner will attempt to ride the Valkyries and create some magic fire music. Syracuse will manhandle them. But the oracle of the Beasties says 28 is enough. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Dropping science like Galileo dropped the Orange. Seahawks

Delaware (+16) at Navy: In the Navy, you can sail the seven seas. Also, I have done wonderfully dirty things with an Admiral’s daughter. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: My man MCA’s got a beard like Billy the goat, Navy’s mascot (live version). Midshipmen

Nicholls State (+25.5) at Louisiana-Lafayette: Ragin’ Cajun chicken at Popeyes is good. But wait . . . Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Got the girlies in the Coupe like the Colonels’ got the chickens. Colonels

Alabama (-7.5) at Texas A&M: For real insight, check with Mark or Dan. Here, you can just know that I have done wonderfully dirty things with girls on the crimson tide. Beastie lyric that lets you know who to bet on: Who shall inherit the earth the meek shall / And yo, I think I'm starting to peak now Al . . . (abama). Crimson Tide

Friday, September 13, 2013

Here Be Monsters

For many moons back in our early, less responsible days, Dave (of Sentence of Dave fame) longed for a tattoo of a sperm whale fighting a giant squid. He never made that dream reality, though he does have a badass tat of a lizard ripping its way out of his shoulder. Which is, of course, offset by the Ween tattoo on his leg. The same one that covers up the Cult tattoo originally in the same spot.

I digress.

Dave's dream may once again resurface (terrible pun not intended, but embraced) when he sees the beautiful 16th-century nautical map drawn by Olaus Magnus. Among other things, it features a sea serpent attacking a ship, a kraken, owl whales, and a bizarre creature best described as a "stink-eyed saber-tooth  mohawk fish".

I'll set up the Kickstarter for the piece that'll adorn Dave's back.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Danimal Makes A Friend

Yesterday, G:TB HQ (NoVa campus) hosted the one and only Danimal, fresh off a flight to the states from China. A good time was had by all, and based on this candid photo snapped after many beverages, it looks like Danimal has a new friend:


Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Gheorghe Does NASCAR

This iPhone panoramic photo ain't too shabby. Good work, me.

Saturday night, courtesy of @MaloneHugo, I attended my first NASCAR race, the Federated Auto Parts 400 at Richmond International Raceway. I had a fantastic time, and would happily go to another race in the future, specifically a night race, because oh my god would I melt and die if I had to sit in the stands during a day race (albino Teej and the sun's deadly rays don't play nice together).

[This post was mainly composed yesterday, when I was not massively hungover, but now I am, which means, even less text than I anticipated. OOOH PRETTY PICTURES.]

Richmond is 90 miles from where I live. It took us three and a half hours to get to a tailgate spot - in an industrial park. Hugo wasn't fucking around, and had the tailgate table below up in less than two minutes. He even brought me ketchup. #Bromance #Swoon

Hugo did not mess around with this tailgate, even though it was just the two of us.
Just call me Teej Heston.
We had great seats - 15 rows up from the track. NASCAR is by far the most fan-friendly sport around - you can bring a cooler in with whatever you want. My cooler has 15 Bud Lights. I drank 5 or so. It was heavy. People get shitfaced, but guess what, they don't get in dumbass fights. They're friendly. They like their particular driver, but they don't try to punch the guy wearing a Kyle Bush shirt in the face. Oh, they also like to take said shirts off. Shirtlessness is a way of life at these races, it seems. But only for the dudes. For shame.

Fans just chillin with the drivers, an hour before the race. Absurd.
I took two pictures of pit row. No, I don't know why.
Our seats were pretty phenomenal, 15 rows up between the Start/Finish line and Turn 1.
It's NASCAR, so you've gotta have a guy parachute in with an American flag. Thanks, Obama.

This is not Weenie. But he did this exact same thing Friday night at the Nationwide race.
I'm pretty sure it is a requirement to have a flyover at a NASCAR race. However, folks were very disappointed these were simply bomber planes, not jet fighters.
I could have a year's worth of "Fashion is Dumb" posts from this race. Below, find just a few choice pics.

Yeah, the guy in front of me was rockin' this Duck Dynasty shirt. proudly.
It's hard to see, but that is an inflatable Cheez-It sombrero. I was quite jealous.

Girls, you're missing half your shirts.
Went to s state fair, and a NASCAR race broke out.
Longest line of the night, which I gleefully stood in while pounding a Bud Light.
Deep fried cookie dough is still the top dog, but these deep fried Oreos are a solid #2 seed.


It's a shame I didn't get a better pic, because this dude was fan of the night. That "hat" actually lit up.

IT'S REALLY LOUD - this was my attempt to capture the loudness of the race. Seriously, when those cars first fly by, your entire body shakes. I eschewed ear plugs for a walkman, attempting to listen to the race on the radio. I could barely hear the broadcast. My right ear has still not recovered.

Sorry this post was delayed. And that it lacks substance. I'm tired. I've forgotten half the shit I wanted to include in this post.
Anyone have some Advil?