Friday, July 29, 2005

Feels like an Arby's night...

Just to squash any fears next time you're devouring a Big Montana, a public service announcement.

On to a Friday list of nonsense, as you've come to expect here at GTB...
* I mean, if you were to pick one baseball player who would have no qualms joining Vince and Owen at some nuptials, I guess it would have to be Man-Ram...
According to the BOSTON HERALD, back in 2001, when Never-A-Dull-Moment Manny was new in town, he was holed up in a $1,000-a-night suite at the ritzy Ritz-Carlton. Well, being as how he was a bachelor back then, not to mention his alleged linguistic limitations, Manny was rather lonely. So No. 24 would take the elevator down to the ballroom and scope out the weddings. And if the reception rocked, he'd meander in and make himself right at home! "He quietly ambled in, uninvited of course,'' one wedding guest recalled of a Ritz-Carlton bridal blowout some four years ago. "But he made plenty of friends once he was recognized.'' Particularly, we're told, amongst the ranks of the bridesmaids! When Manny was asked why he chose to pop in on the festivities, he replied, "I was bored.''

* Brace yourself loyal readers - Tim Green is not returning as a Fox Sports NFL analyst. Now why would that be? Oh right, Green is concentrating on his role as host of the new "A Current Affair". Say what? That's like me not coming to work anymore because I've enrolled at the Culinary Institute of America.

* I love Jeffrey Ross. That man is the Babe Ruth of celebrity roasts...
Jeffrey Ross is gearing up to roast Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central next month. "I was gonna write a poem, but I couldn't find a rhyme for 'stupid bimbo,' " Ross said at the New York premiere of "The Aristocrats." After pointing out that the Anderson event is a fund-raiser for PETA, Ross cracked: "She's very into animal rights. She doesn't like it when they take these innocent chicks and inject them with hormones and make 'em wear red bathing suits and kiss David Hasselhoff."

* So, are you saying the annoying alien from American Dad can't hold his liquor? (and Dennis, that show is not funny. I'm sorry. And this is coming from a guy who likes Futurama)
Andy Dick lived up to his party monster reputation early yesterday morning at the grand opening of Home nightclub on West 27th Street. We're told the booze-loving bisexual "made out with an equally intoxicated male partygoer" and "grabbed, licked and groped everyone in sight - especially the male models." Another tipster tattles that Dick "literally had his hands down another man's pants - first over the pants, then in the pants."

I even have some sports rantings in this tiny head of mine, and depending on how this noon deadline goes, you might get to read my analysis of the atrocious Yankee rotation or baseball's wild card races or a review of last night's competitive eating "contest". (if you choose to ever return to this site)

Monday, July 25, 2005

Words for a Friend

Rather than ramble on about the useless nonsense you have come to expect here, I wanted to take the time this afternoon to let our friend know we are thinking of him and his family, and let him know they are in our thoughts and prayers. We just want our friend Geoff to know that in the wake of losing his father, we care about him, will always be there for him, and I am sorry all I can do is type this today and not be there in person for him. I cannot fathom what he must be going through, but family and friends by his side will keep him strong.

Stay strong, Geoff, we're all thinking of you.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

"...but it's a dry heat."

Yep, even though it's 113 fucking degrees out, I'm not gonna worry about it, cause it's a "dry" 113 degrees (that phrase might actually top my chart of Worst Ever, if it weren't for "At the end of the day..."). HOWEVAH, the dry heat will not bother me, as I will not leave the hotel for 72 hours (unless being shepherded by Hot Action's Hef into a limo), spending countless hours at the Sports Book (Do they have one? Will I have to tunnel, much like Emi Sok, to freedom?), staring at people playing craps, and sitting in front of seizure-causing slot machines. Vegas baby, Vegas.

Did anybody else love that TV miniseries "V" when they were a kid? Marc Singer was the rebel leader I think. It was followed by the shortlived, but aptly titled, "V" TV show, starring Freddy Krueger and Jester. Good times.

I think the Orioles bullpen coach created the cult/religion Scientology.

In other baseball news, the Yankees are looking to replace poor, decrepit Bernie Williams in CF with...Tike Redman or Endy Chavez. Wow, if those are the options, leave Bernie's corpse out there for the rest of the season.

Monday, July 18, 2005

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Is it possible for Howard Kurtz to be any more lame?

CNNWASHPOST HOWARD KURTZ: A lot of people have picked up on your description in the memos to your bureau chief of that conversation -- "It was on double super secret background." What did that mean?

TIME MATT COOPER: Well, Howie, I can now reveal that it was a joke. Karl Rove, when we had the conversation, wanted it to be on deep background, which I took to mean I could use the material but not quote it directly, and certainly not attribute it, that I had to protect the identity of my source. When I wrote the note to my bureau chief, just moments after the conversation with Rove, in a slightly playful way, I echoed the line in the movie "Animal House," where John Belushi's wild fraternity is put on double secret probation. So it was a little bit of humor.

* Call me crazy, but I would classify this as Must See TV:
Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith will premiere Monday, August 1 at 6:30 p.m. on ESPN2. The one-hour weekday show will deliver a daily dose of sports news, opinions, issues and headlines in front of a live studio audience in New York City.

* GTB is quite the clearinghouse of crap on Mondays eh? How about Al Leiter last night boys and girls? Impressive indeed - I am sure Jack McKeon was swearing profusely at Al (see, the 6pm first pitch means Jack got to watch 6 innings or so before lights out at Del Boca Vista). Speaking of ex-Marlin pitchers:
Actress Alyssa Milano , who previously dated Carl Pavano, is now with Dodgers and ex-Marlins pitcher Brad Penny, according to numerous reports in L.A. (Post-Pavano, she dated Oakland's Barry Zito.)

* Oh...if you didn't get to Wedding Crashers this weekend...get there ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

Friday, July 15, 2005

The city so nice they named it twice...

Fantastic start to the second half of the season by the Yankees and Mets last night. I could've been hit by a bus this morning and it still wouldn't have wiped the smile off my face from seeing that douchebag Curt Schilling blow the game. To Rodriguez. Great start to the weekend...How 'bout dem Amazing Mets? I expect to see unbridled enthusiasm from Whitney and Jerry after last night's rousing victory. David Wright's homers (and diving catch on a piss poor bunt attempt) and Cliff Floyd's ridiculous catch falling into the stands. Doing it against Dan Dukes' Braves. Well done.

GTB's "Friday Gift To You My Loyal Readers" (also won the ESPY for "Worst GTB Title Ever")...
HOUSTON -- When Bassam Khalaf raps, he's the Arabic Assassin. His unreleased CD, "Terror Alert," includes rhymes about flying a plane into a building and descriptions of himself as a "crazy, suicidal Arabic ... equipped with bombs."

Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...

Until last week, Khalaf also worked as a baggage screener at George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

Thursday, July 14, 2005


Not sure if it's from that hurricane I whipped up last week, or the train that ran me over last night, but I'm bushed. "Bushed" - great expression, right up there with "Mikey looks exhausted. Rogers, get in there and give him a blow". Gets me every time. Been a while since I've posted - thank God TJ really keeps this ship sailing... figured since my oral communication skills are non existent at the moment, I'd give ol' GTB visit.

I see Chandy includes a cute little picture for us these days. Scrumdeliumptous. I'm guessing there's a 100% chance at least one slightly stocky unnamed visitor of this site that will certainly add her to the mental roladex. And Chandy, thanks for the birthday wish. Other notable birthdays on July 13th - Harrison Ford, Cameron Crowe, Fatboy Slim, and Spud Webb.

Also, a big thanks to the LA Lakers for relieving us of Kwame's services . . . Now, Kwame, off with you and go convert to buddhism, get your 3 championships, become an all-star, and rub it in our face everytime you appear on TV interviews with Phil Jackson you lanky penis.

Um, yeah. Wedding Crashers opens tomorrow - I really hope it doesn't suck. They're pushing the limits of this thirtysomething swinging bachelor party guy thing. Or maybe not. Watch out for those oompa loompas kids . . .

Those bastards stole my theory...

This week's National Enquirer advances the theory that Van Der Sloot confessed to his father that he dumped Holloway's body in shark-infested waters after she accidentally hit her head and drowned in an Ecstasy-induced stupor on an Aruban beach. A source told the tabloid that Van Der Sloot and Holloway went swimming together after meeting at the club and taking drugs together. "Natalee fell, hit her head on a rock and drowned," the Enquirer quotes its source. "In a drug-and-alcohol induced panic, Joran felt he had no other choice but to dispose of Natalee's body in the sea."

I fully expect the mother to kill him as he leaves the courthouse...

* Morning Double Feature: The internet is a strange and wonderful place. Case in point...

* From the "Gee, I didn't see this coming a mile away" File...
Troubled actor Tom Sizemore failed to attend a court hearing held to determine whether he violated the terms of his probation order so he could check into a live-in rehabilitation clinic. The Saving Private Ryan star, 43, allegedly refused to provide urine tests and attend drug counseling sessions with his probation officer, and could face up to three years in prison if found guilty. The Los Angeles Superior Court hearing has been postponed until 22 July, and Sizemore faces arrest should he fail to appear. Sizemore, who was charged with violating his probation order but released on bail in March, denies the charges.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

It was there for all to see

Bartolo Colon is the second coming of completely underrated Stooge Shemp Howard.

Does Ken Macha have some secret polaroids of A's owner Steve Schott? If not, can someone explain to me how he still has a job. He makes Art Howe look alive.

I never thought I would say this, but the cast of characters on the newest Surreal Life might even be a bit much for me. What a collection of asshole and losers. Not a redeemable quality to be found.

HOWEVAH, the cast of the newest Celebrity Fit Club has serious promise. I mean, Willie Aames, Victoria Jackson, Jackee, and Gary Busey??? Busey might be the first person to actually die on a reality show.

Um, yeah, I've had to delete several punchlines to this, so I'll just give you the item itself...
He [Donald Trump] confirmed that he is considering a new format for his next "Apprentice" -- a team of African-American contestants would be pitted against an all-white group.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

This guy just keeps giving and giving

Remind me to send Sheff a thank you note for his neverending supply of material...

Gary Sheffield wants nothing to do with the World Baseball Classic. Several major league players spoke of the honor they would feel to represent their countries in baseball's first World Cup-style tournament when the groups for the event were unveiled Monday. Sheffield was not among them. The Yankees right fielder told reporters at the All-Star festivities in Detroit on Monday there was no chance he would participate in the event scheduled for March.
"My season is when I get paid," Sheffield told the New York Daily News. "I'm not doing that. ... I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up."
"A lot of guys feel that way. They won't say it like I will, though," he added.

Monday, July 11, 2005

You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care

"Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work."

BOSTON (Reuters) - U.S. workers say they squander over two hours a day at the workplace, with surfing the Web, socializing with co-workers and simply "spacing out" among the top time-wasting activities, according to a survey released on Monday.

And folks, this post defines "mailing it in". It's a Monday, I'm tired, and I don't feel like weighing in on the Kenny Rogers "controversy".

* How annoying would it be to have him at your table?
Former NFL TE Shannon Sharpe will participate in the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas beginning today. UPDATE: Apparently other well-known donkeys at the WSOP include actors Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Tilly and golfer Rocco Mediate.

* This made me feel a little bit better on a crappy Monday:
Could you make ends meet on $11,700 a year, before taxes? How about $16,500? For 86 players in Major League Soccer, that will have to do, because 26 percent of the league's 331 players make less than $20,000 a year in base salary, according to salary documents obtained by The New York Times.

* America's greatest president? A casual shoe for yachting? They killed Jesus Christ?
The Young Republicans have given cocky "Apprentice" punk Kelly Perdew the boot. The brash Perdew, now working for Donald Trump after winning the second season of "The Apprentice," was slated to emcee Saturday's black-tie dinner at the Mandalay Bay Resort in Las Vegas, which closed the Young Republican National Convention. But convention chairman Nathan Taylor got fed up with Perdew's irksome antics and unceremoniously disinvited the former Marine at the last moment.

Friday, July 08, 2005


* Good to see 40 year old lefties can agree on something...David Wells condoned the actions of Texas pitcher Kenny Rogers, who knocked over two TV cameras and a cameraman last week and issued a public apology Wednesday. Rogers was suspended 20 games and fined $50,000, according to the HARTFORD COURANT. "I'm stoked for him. I'm glad he did that," Wells said. "He needed to vent. He's been a mild-mannered ballplayer his whole life." ... Sometimes your buttons get pushed. "The media and the camera guys, a lot of guys didn't like the camera on us when we're P.O.'d. But they continue to do it." Wells accused the cameraman of trying to bait Rogers. "He's winking at another guy going, `Yeah, I'm going to get paid,'" Wells said. Told that Rogers is facing assault charges, Wells said, "So. The guy's not hurt. Be a man and take it. Unless he was physically hurt and something happened. ... Just like that guy in Boston when that incident happened in the bullpen [in the 2003 ALCS] when I was with the Yankees, and he comes the next day with a neck brace. Be a man, dude."

* I've got two words for you: Alex Joyner.

* If I'm Rob Russell, I'm telling Johnny Damon to shut the fuck up.

* Always good to hear from Sir Charles (with the added bonus that it's a shot at Chris Webber)...Charles Barkley predicted he wouldn't win the nationally televised Lake Tahoe tournament, but he's certain he won't finish last as long as Sixers forward Chris Webber plays. "As long as Chris Webber is playing, I know I won't come in dead last. I know I can at least beat him," Barkley said.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Could this post have a smaller target audience?

What about Rebound?...A Staten Island coach and community figure has been arrested on charges of spanking teenage boys if they missed their basketball shots, officials said. Authorities allege that on Monday, Drew Sanders, who is an assistant executive director of the Staten Island Jewish Community Center, pulled down a 15-year-old boy's pants and slapped the boy in the behind with a wooden paddle.

* All is well in the world again (um, minus what happened in London today, but we don't address stuff like that here) - Pamela Anderson has traded in horrible actor Stephen Dorff for ex-husband Tommy Lee. Well done Pam - we missed you two together.

* I cannot believe we now have to listen to how great a team player Curt Schilling is because he's going to the Red Sox bullpen. Most likely we'll have to hear what a great move it is from douchebag Schilling himself, which is the worst.

* I've spent quite a bit of time this morning on the phone with a "Mr. Seaman". Needless to say, I have been laughing ALOT on the inside.

* I see Hurricane Dennis is preparing to ravage Jamaica. Apparently, the Hurricane wasn't very happy with GTB's less-than-stellar review of Gattaca.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Thanks for the help

Hope you enjoy the accommodations...
SAN MARCOS, Texas - A man who rescued a swimmer caught in swirling river currents found himself in trouble soon afterward when he was arrested by authorities who claimed he was interfering. Dave Newman, 48, disobeyed repeated orders by emergency personnel to leave the water, police said. He was charged with interfering with public duties. "I was amazed," Newman said Monday after his release on $2,000 bail. "I had a very uncomfortable night after saving that guy's life. He thanked me for it in front of the police, and then they took me to jail."

My name is Kobayashi. I work for Keyser Soze...Nothing like a 5'7", 144 pound Japanese guy eating 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes to jump start the July 4th holiday. The sporting legend in question? 27 year-old Takeru Kobayashi. I must say I was mildly disappointed that Kobayahi couldn't topple his world record of 53½ dogs. I had such high hopes for him. The runner-up was a young lady by the name of Sonya Thomas, who is apparently known as The Black Widow of competitive eating - and she's from Alexandria. I am wondering if Dennis, Jerry, or Swint have perhaps seen her at a local 7-11 pummeling the Big Bite "grill" as practice.

Great day of holiday baseball on the tube yesterday. If I wasn't so damn dumb today I might have a few insights for you. But I don't.