Ceai Complet: May 20, 2008

Really, it's not our intent to make this segment a Red Sox compendium. Merely a coincidence. We'd say that Jon Lester's efforts last night are worthy, though. And so we tip our cap to the Sox' young lefthander after his no-hit performance last night against the Royals.

Wally the Green Monster is a nice Gheorghian touch, dont'cha think?

G:TB Celebrates America

As much as we know you were itching to read about Myrtle Beach today, we’re gonna shake things up a bit. Mostly because someone else was kind enough to do the work.

Today, via the magic of the internet, we take you on a scenic journey to Manasquan, NJ, site of Rhymenocerous’ summer home and Memorial Day destination.

Among other things, Manasquan is noted as the town where Jack Nicholson went to high school. It’s a mere 5 miles from Bruce Springsteen's Asbury Park and but a single mile from Wall Township, where Eliot Spitzer's paid paramour grew up. Finally, Manasquan’s a mile from Point Pleasant, where the American Idol chick who took risque internet photos a couple years back grew up. Piper Perabo grew up there too. You all remember her from Coyote Ugly. The movie, not the collegiate dating technique.

Celebs and sluts. Welcome to New Jersey!

As for Manasquan itself, there's not much to say other than it has the best surf break in NJ and all the teenagers are burnouts. Most of the parents are veteran party animals themselves who own beach cruisers. They (our friend included?) use these cruisers to bike to the local bars or house parties, where they can get sloshed and teeter home on side streets without getting a DUI.

As for Rhymenocerous’ time there this weekend, he’ll be healthy and sober Friday night, healthy on his 5-mile run Saturday morning, dehydrated that day, very drunk that Saturday night (To quote him, instead of just steal his words, “I have a 50% track record of blacking out and/or vomiting on the nights of my runs because I usually start drinking by 4 PM and never stop until I fall down”), and very hung over that next morning.

On Sunday, he'll procrastinate about the long list of things to do at his new place, including fun items like painting, installing child seats on bicycles and spreading cedar mulch over the weeds growing around the perennials in the front yard. He’ll putter around in his yard and start to feel better as frozen margarita #2 kicks in by 5 PM. He’ll then make a quick drunken bike ride to the local supermarket to buy some red meat to cook up on his unnecessarily large and expensive Weber grill. (The Genesis. It’s so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend it.) He’ll then drink until he passes out and/or gets put to bed by his wife. Hopefully, he’ll have some company during the drinking stage of the night, although it's sadly not necessary.

Ceai Complet: May 19, 2008

Welcome back Dr. Henry Walton Jones, Jr.

G:TB Celebrates America

With Memorial Day rapidly approaching, the G:TB staff will be spreading our whimsy to the four corners of the globe. Or at least to a few select resort destinations mostly confined to the Eastern United States. (While the silliness and immaturity of our worldview knows few metaphysical bounds, it is fairly geographically limited, basically encompassing the landmass from Nags Head, NC to Boston, MA. And Romania.) In celebration of the coming holiday, we present you with this series of travel primers.

First up, Butler, PA.

The seat of the cleverly named Butler County, Butler is the ancestral home of both Big John Studd and Bret Michaels. Little known fact: 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' is an homage to Rose Pankowitz, Michaels' elementary school girlfriend and now proprietor of the Aunt Sarah's Pancake House in downtown Butler.

Butler's also memorialized on film, serving as the location for the legendary 'Night of the Living Dead'. G:TB's own Teejay O'Doul will be reenacting several scenes from the classic picture as he visits his in-laws in bucolic Western PA over the holiday season.

Next on G:TB's whirlwind tour: Myrtle Beach, SC

Ceai Complet: May 16, 2008

Fast-Food Workers Spit In Customer Drinks

EUNICE, La. -- Two fast-food workers at a Sonic eatery in Eunice spit into customers' drinks, a company representative said.

Several customers at the restaurant said their drinks were spiked with saliva.

"(My daughter) came up here and got a soda and come to find out some girls spit in the drink" father Joe Lawrence said.

G:TB has obtained exclusive footage of the incident:

Ceai Complet - May 15, 2008

You've all seen the video by now (it's here, if you spent yesterday on another planet), but we still celebrate Manny Ramirez this morning, because he's a singularly exquisite embodiment of the Gheorgian way of life. There's not one other player in all of professional sports who would think for a moment to high-five a fan in the middle of a play. He's goofy as all get out, and surpassingly good at what he does. We're half-way there.

(h/t to The Gowanus Rotisserie Baseball Gazette for the screen caps.)

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

Love letters come in lots of shapes and sizes. Witness the following email, from one of G:TB's own to a friend of ours who'd sent an innocent email asking for recommendations on diversions for his impending trip to New Orleans. Ignore the first sentence, which is parry to the thrust of another friend's email. The rest of it manages in a few short paragraphs to pack in 10+ years of good times, good friends we have, and good friends we've lost in a mash note to a city.

From: Whitney whitneyxxxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: xxxxxxxx@williamandmary.org
Sent: Tuesday, May 13, 2008 5:35:12 PM
Subject: Re: Nawlins and vacation home

Clyde,

Chip is right. . . about my old girlfriend. Actually, she's a bloody nice girl and is actually in my current circle of friends, much to her husband's serious chagrin.

Anyway, about New Orleans. Chip is actually right about the music joints. I saw Wilco a couple of nights at Tipitina's Uptown in March and I am still reeling. Also check out the Howlin' Wolf, the Maple Leaf, and for the coolest little music scene in . . . . maybe America, check out a place called Le Bontemps Roule. Killer place.

Igor's is a place where I have seen God several times. A must, and the later you hit it, the better. It's in the Garden District. Go by the Columns down the street for a little more upscale (upscale frat guy) time. If there's an Aussie lady named Karen working at Igor's, drop my name. And maybe break the news to her that Dave Flynn is dead.

While in the Quarter, go to Pat O's if you must, but get your money's worth more at Tropical Isle (multiple locations). Hand Grenades (basically 150 proof Gatorade) will knock you on your ass. Beware/enjoy. BEFORE you do either of those, go to the Monteleone Hotel bar and have a Bloody or a beer there. There is a certain unique gimmick to that bar that's very much worth the trip. If you find yourself at Club Decatur in the Quarter and a Scotsman with a pony tail named Bryan is serving you, drop my name. And maybe break the news to him that Dave Flynn is dead.

For great eats, an enormous beer list, and a cool place to shoot pool and relax, definitely go to Cooter Brown's. End of the streetcar line on St. Charles. Last time there I ordered the Bayou Philly:

Bayou Philly ........................................................... $10.00
Gator Sausage, shrimp, grilled and topped with roasted peppers, onions, Pepper Jack and American cheese with remoulade sauce

F-ing kick-ass. I am pretty sure Christina the beautiful bartender who looks like Sandra Bullock (and loves me) is still gone to FLA, but if not, you're in for a treat. Cooter's is a staple for freshly shucked oysters, a good juke, and reloading on grub between binges. Get there.

Rock 'n Bowl, Midtown Lanes. Pain in the ass to get to, dingy as hell, it's old school bowling and cheap beer drinking with a band playing. Love it.

That's about all I can come up with off the top of my head. Miss that town. Have one for me.

Whitney

Ceai Complet - May 14, 2008

You well know that we don't take much seriously here, but we do love us some music, each in our own way. If anyone in the worldwide G:TB community happens to wake up in Houston, TX tomorrow, do yourself a favor and pop by Cactus Music at 2110 Portsmouth at 5:30 for an in-store appearance by the Old 97's. And if you wake up somewhere else, hurry over to your local music purveyor, online or otherwise, and pick up the Dallas foursome's latest record, Blame It On Gravity. Satisfaction guaranteed, or I'll buy you a Shiner Bock.

Ceai Complet: Hyperbole Edition

"LeBron James...WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!"

They've never been 5 games above .500? Ever?

With yesterday's 8-5 win over the Los Angeles Angels of San Dimas High, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays are 21-16 on the year, just a game and a half back of the defending champion Red Sox in the AL East. More importantly, this is apparently the first time in franchise history the Rays have ever been 5 games above .500. I know they have sucked pretty hard in their first decade of existence, but I found this stat pretty hard to believe, so I went to my numero uno beisbol source on the web, baseball-reference.com, to confirm this Kurk Gem. Here's what I found:

1998: As it turns out, the '98 expansion Devil Rays were actually 4 games over .500 at one point in the season. That of course was when they were 10-6 on April 19, and Larry Rothschild went to bed each night dreaming of his Murderers Row of Fred McGriff, Quinton McCracken, Paul Sorrento and Wade Boggs leading his D-Rays to World Series glory. The 1998 Devil Rays finished 63-99, an astounding 51 games out of 1st place.

1999: Again, they made it to 4 games over .500, this time pushing it a week later into the season (11-7 on April 23). They only managed to get shutout 7 times in '99 (as opposed to 17 times in their inaugural year). The team finishes 69-93.

2000: Now this is tough to do (well, I thought it was tough...read on)- the Devil Rays were never more than 1 game over .500 in 2000, and that sadly was day 2 of the season, after Tampa beat Minnesota 7-0 to start the year. The D-Rays finish 69-92, and Larry Rothschild, against all odds, stays employed.

2001: Tell me if this sounds familiar. The Devil Rays win their opener to get 1 game over .500. And that's the apex of the season. Larry Rothschild is mercifully put to sleep 14 games into the season, replaced by Hal McRae, which is great for me, because now I get to post this epic meltdown:

Tampa Bay backslides, losing 100 games for the first time in franchise history (all 4 years of it). Tanyon Sturtze is the staff ace. Yep, Tanyon Sturtze...that's how you lose 100 games.

2002: Hal McRae, captain of the Titanic. The Rays go an atrocious 55-106 in '02, after actually starting the year 3-0 (obviously 3 games over .500 is their high point). They lose a whopping 33 games by 5 or more runs. Our boy Tanyon Sturtze goes 4-18.

2003: Welcome aboard Sweet Lou...to a 63-99 mark that drove you so bonkers you dyed your hair at some point (I think...that might've been 2004...but I'm too lazy to google "Lou Piniella dyed hair"). Lou's '03 club joined the 2000 and 2001 D-Rays in the "Start 1-0...never get another game over .500 again" club. Pretty terrible name for a club if you ask me. The D-Rays go 5-21 in June...and manage a 3-15 interleague mark. Ugh.

2004: Holy shit, look, a 70 win season (the first in franchise history). The team gets to 2 games over .500 - on July 3rd no less (40-38). They have a 12 game win streak. They go 15-3 in interleague play. The stupid Mets trade them Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano. Lou's got them going in the right direction, Tampa is turning it around, etc. etc...

2005: ...um, not so fast my friend. Tampa Bay finishes the '05 season 67-95. They get to 3-2 on the young year, and are never more than a game over .500 again. Piniella threatens to kill multiple people throughout the season, including several of his players. Somehow Jorge Cantu hits 28 bombs and drives in 117 runs.

2006: Lou is gone, Joe Maddon is in, and here comes another 100 loss season (61-101). On April 16th they're 7-6 and 1 game over .500 - that's the best they have to offer. Tampa Bay goes 20-61 on the road.

2007: They got all these young kids, they're supposed to turn the corner, Sports Illustrated throws them on the cover as the team of the future...and we get a final record of 66-96. Yep, I feel like a broken record - Tampa gets to 2-1 on April 6th...and that's it again for games over .500. If you're scoring at home, that means in 6 of their first 10 years Tampa Bay has never been more than 1 game over .500 at any point in a season.

2008: It took until season 11, but the magic barrier was finally broken. 5 games above .500 for the first time ever. Well played Rays, well played.

Ceai Complet: May 12, 2008

There's bad days, and then there's what happened to Justin Hill of Rock Island, TN last Tuesday:

ROCK ISLAND, Tenn. (AP) - One moment, Justin Hill was turning into his driveway. Minutes later he was being flown to a hospital as his home went up in flames. Then he got a traffic ticket.

Hill, 42, got into a crash after turning into the path of an oncoming car Tuesday evening, said Tennessee Highway Patrol Officer Monte Terry. Hill's wife heard the crash and ran outside, leaving the kitchen stove, where she had been cooking, unattended.

Within minutes, their Rock Island trailer was on fire, and firefighters who had responded to the accident found themselves fighting the blaze.

The rural central Tennessee home had extensive damage. Hill was treated at the hospital and released, but he was cited in the accident for failure to yield.

I mean, the cops couldn't have cut the guy a break on the ticket?

Long Distance Dedication

Here's hoping you enjoy this when you wake up somewhere strange tomorrow morning:



(h/t to Andrew Sullivan, my favorite gay, British, conservative blogger)

Ceai Complet: May 9, 2008

Politics really isn't G:TB's bag, baby. But this is too good to pass up on a Friday morning. From the unlikely source of Beliefnet.org comes this gem, an homage and a dig at the same time:

A Democratic primary voter enters Clinton for President headquarters.

Voter: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The man behind the counter does not respond.)
Voter: Hello, Miss?
Clinton Chief Strategist Geoff Garin: What do you mean "miss"?
Voter: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Garin: We're closin' for lunch.
Voter: Never mind that, my boy. I wish to complain about this candidate what I voted for not two days ago.
GG: Oh yes, the, uh, the Hillary Clinton ...What's,uh...What's wrong with her?
Voter: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. Her campaign is dead, that's what's wrong with her!
GG: No, no, she's, uh,...she's resting.
Voter: Look, matey, I know a dead candidate when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
GG: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, Hillary Clinton, idn't she? Beautiful plumage!
Voter: The plumage don't enter into it. Her presidential campaign is stone dead.
GG: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
Voter (pointing to delegate-math statistics on CNN): Now that's what I call a dead candidate.
GG: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
Voter: STUNNED?!?
GG: Yeah! The voters stunned her, just as she was wakin' up! Hillary stuns easy, major.
Voter: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That campaign is definitely deceased, and when I voted for Mrs. Clinton not two days ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was due to her bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
GG: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for Yankee Stadium. She's a big Yanks fan, you know.
Voter: PININ' for YANKEE STADIUM?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did she fall flat on her back on Tuesday night?
GG: Hillary Clinton prefers keepin' on her back! She's a fighter, an underdog. Remarkable bird, id'nt she, squire? Lovely plumage!
Voter: She's not pinin'! She's passed on! Her campaign is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If Hillary Clinton hadn't nailed herself to the Democratic Party perch she'd be pushing up the daisies! This campaign's metabolic processes are now history! She's off the twig! She's kicked the bucket, she's shuffled off her mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE!!

Fed Up

Geoff and I decided to take the advice of those annoying hipsters t-shirts and we have resolved to stop bitching and to start a revolution. GET INVOLVED...
http://paymoreforlessbayless.blogspot.com/

Ceai Complet: May 8, 2008

Get well Dalton/Bodhi...and I can't thank you enough for this gem:

Note to the MLBPA: You're Idiots

I just caught this story on espn.com, and it pissed me off to no end. Does the MLBPA really not understand why guys like Barry Bonds are unemployed? Let Gheorghe help you out, MLBPA general counsel Michael Weiner (how appropriate) - here are the 7 guys listed in the sidebar...why don't we help Mr. Weiner (chuckle) understand why these dinosaurs are jobless (here's a hint Weiner...I'll give you three letters..."P", "E" and "D"):

Barry Bonds - I'm going to have to restrain myself from using this phrase 6 more times, but are you fucking kidding me? Who in God's name wants to bring this surly cheat into their locker room? Forget that the guy could be going to federal pound you in the ass prison any day now...he's a horrendous teammate and a media tsunami. You think he would be a positive influence on the young Rays? Marlboro Man Leyland doesn't even want to go near him. Come on...the guy's unemployable because he's the second most deplorable person on the face of the earth (for anyone who knows me, you know who #1 is). Let's just move on before I overnight this letter bomb to Mr. Weiner.

Roger Clemens - Is the MLBPA serious? You're joking me, right? I can't even address this. Instead, I will direct you to Tim Keown's archives, where has written not one, not two, but three fantastic Clemens rip jobs over the last few months (I'd link you to Lupica's column from the other day but I despise that Fraggle).

Jose Mesa - Ah, Joe Table. He of the 7.11 ERA and 1.54 WHIP last year. Gee, I have no idea why someone wouldn't want this rapist in their bullpen. I also found it comical he got to be on MLBPA's list of "big-time players who haven't gotten a major league contract this season". I'm sorry, Jose Mesa is a big-name?

Mike Piazza - Old. As. Dirt. Probably a juicer as well. If the home of aging DHs, Oakland, doesn't want you around, there's gotta be a reason.

Sammy Sosa - Failure to speak English has probably limited his contract negotiations. And maybe they are blackballing him, but I don't give a shit. But at least he left a positive legacy for the youth of America (or, er, Korea).

David Wells - Can't push himself away from the table long enough to talk deal. 5.43 ERA and 1.54 WHIP last year - gave up 201 hits in 157 IP. Sucks donkey balls. Need me to create a sucktitude chart for you Mr. Weiner?

Kenny Lofton - OK, this might be the only truly employable guy on this list. In fact, he'll probably be on someone's team after the All-Star Break. So great job MLBPA...you're 1 for 7. You're the Chris Burke of players association complainers.

Ceai Complet: May 7, 2008

There is no greater impotence in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you.
- Norman Mailer

There is no greater impotence in all the world than when the room's already paid for.
- TJ