Sunday, August 28, 2016

Last Day of Summer Music Joint

School starts in my neck of the woods tomorrow. My kids have mixed emotions, in the sense that the little one is very excited to kick off 7th grade, and the older one claims to hate school (which is likely her way of expressing a bit of nervousness about her first year in high school).

They've also got increasingly mixed musical tastes (which is likely my way of expressing the need to segue to a the topic of this blog post - I'm sure you'll agree that it was a smooth transition). My high-schooler has been listening to a ton of Childish Gambino and Frank Ocean of late, while her sister is squarely in a Twenty One Pilots/Panic at the Disco phase.

Me, I've been trying to bridge the gap. And Banks and Steelz is a perfect solution. The collaboration between Interpol frontman Paul Banks and RZA dropped a single in May (which featured GTB fave Ghostface Killah), and released a studio album on Friday. The record had been in the works since 2013.

The first single, 'Giant', is, to put it simply, badass.

I'm looking forward to digging into the whole record. And uniting the warring factions in my household.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Good Grief

Somewhere, Charlie Brown is smoking a cigarette, the Little Red-Haired Girl's head nestled against his shoulder as they lay in the afterglow of beautiful cartoon lovemaking. Lucy's sitting outside wondering how the hell he kicked that ball so far. -- Misery Loves Company, October 28, 2004

I wrote that the day after the Red Sox won the 2004 World Series. It remains one of my favorite pieces of prose, self-written category.

Somewhere today, Charlie Brown's world is just a little sadder, as news came from Minnesota that the little red-haired girl died last week.

Donna Wold was the one that got away for Charles Schulz, a girl he met while in art school who chose another man. Judging by her obituary, she lived a long and happy life, raising four kids with the guy that beat Charlie Brown out.

Charlie did okay for himself, too, as it happened.

Monday, August 22, 2016

zTravelogue: Roots and Culture

I didn't just consume a bunch of western media on my trip to Japan, I consumed a lot of culture, albeit not as much as I wanted to. I missed my connecting flight from San Francisco to Osaka and had to spend the night in San Francisco. As a result, my jetlag acclimation/cultural exposure day was mostly consumed by my flight the next day. I never had a big block of free time to travel around the prefecture, so I mostly made brief field trips around my hotel. This limited my cultural exposure to shopping centers and train stations, but I think I developed a fair understanding of day-to-day life in the Kansei region based on what stores stock and thus what people buy. Here are my favorite mundane aspects of southern Japanese culture.

It's perfectly acceptable to carry, and use, a washcloth in public

Osaka is really fucking hot and humid in the summer. So much so that even people from India travel to Osaka and step outside from the airport into the Osaka air for the first time they say "Oh hell no, this shit is way too hot and humid." At least that's what my cabbie said.

It's so hot that everyone sweats their asses off constantly, even inside. Women carry fans and parasols. Men carry washcloths, sometimes even bar towels, everywhere including the office. It's remarkably common to be in a meeting with ten other sweaty dudes, all wiping their faces with small hunks of terrycloth. Aside from Jerry Tarkanian, John Thompson and Ford Prefect, you just don't see towels in the workplace.

After sitting in two days of meetings like this I went to the mall across from my hotel and got myself one of these washcloths. They're technically considered a handkerchief--one side of the washcloth has this gauzy cotton material called tenugui sewn onto it, but it's still a washcloth. Here's mine.

Yes, those are bears. Yes, one of those bears has "ZZZ" next to him indicating that he's asleep--I guess the bear doesn't speak Japanese because he doesn't snore in katakana symbols. And yes, another of those bears is wearing a small green fedora. All my other choices were more preposterous, this is what you get for ¥400.

Anyway, I can't say enough good things about these super-absorbant handkerchiefs and being in a place where it's socially acceptable to constantly mop your forehead with one.

Everything is connected by underground tunnels

Because it's so stupidly hot in Osaka in the summer, they built a series of tunnels to connect just about every important location. Sort of like how places like Montreal and Rochester have tunnels to avoid the winter wind and snow, Osaka has tunnels to avoid the summer humidity sun. Now, navigating these tunnels is no bargain. Here's an example.

The main tributaries mercifully have English signage and my iPhone worked everywhere (thank god for Google maps), so I was able to avoid the scorching sun without getting hideously lost. Unfortunately the tunnels are not air conditioned so I still had to constantly wipe my face with my bear washcloth. Nevertheless, being able to get around completely underground is a source of pride among Osakans, and when I told one of my friends that I traveled to a venue over a mile away and back using only the tunnels, he smiled and said he was proud of me. He then fed me some ridiculous food and drink, which I'll describe another time.

They still have record stores

There was a Tower Records 50 feet from my hotel! And it sold actual records! And it had a whole section dedicated to A Tribe Called Quest!

It also had a very very deep selection of hiphop CDs. Here's just a snapshot from the K's:

KMD, Kool G Rap, Kool Keith, Kool Moe Dee and Kurtis Blow!?! I don't know if there's a record store in Brooklyn that has a CD in stock for all of these artists. I was impressed.

The 69 bus is everywhere

Or so it felt. I saw these bus stops all over the place.

The bathrooms are fantastic and the toilets are divine

Japan is spotless. No litter, no gum on the sidewalk, no dog shit on the curb. Immaculate. This includes all the bathrooms, including public bathrooms at the train station. I have suffered through circumstances requiring me to move my bowels at the old Yankee Stadium, an Amtrak Northeast Corridor train, and the worst gas station bathroom in Cape Cod (even Ryan Lochte wouldn't shit there--filthy, no light, the door had no knob mechanism so it wouldn't close, and no toilet paper (which I discovered after I had shat my emergency shit, so I had to wipe with the discarded Marlboro Reds box I found on the floor--had Marlin been there I would've used my underpants but it didn't occur to me at the time).

By contrast, defecating in Japan is a pleasure. Think of the nicest bathroom you've ever used. That's what they're all like. But better. The toilets all have features to make shitting better. They have a fan that sucks away shitty smells and a noisemaker that covers your shitty noises. They have heated seats. And most importantly, they have a washlet, a faucet that pops out of the seat and washes your bung with warm water. It's like taking a shower after every shit, and it's divine. The toilets also have fans to blow you dry after the washlet does its thing, but the fans are often too weak to really dry you so you still need some TP to finish up.

We're redoing zbathroom soon and I'm getting one of these toilets. That's how life-changing they are (and who knew we'd use the "toto asswash" label again?). Anyone who lives without a Toto toilet is a filthy animal.

They love the Simpsons

I don't know if that's true, but I saw these socks at a department store that carried stuff from Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada, and all those other fancy brands you see at high-end US malls.

They love sneakers

This wasn't a surprise. Tons of cool kicks. Here's a small sampling.

I should've bought those Takumi Sen joints but I didn't.

They love tchotchkes

Not Chochkie's, tchotchkes. Many stores have these things that look like bubblegum machines, but instead of bubblegum they dispense tchotchkes. For example, are you into Minions? They have a tchotchke machine for that:

Note that Dave, Tom, Jerry, Tim and Stuart (well, Stewart) are also the names of several of our brothers.

Are cats in beanies or babushkas more your thing? Japan has you covered:

It's a great way to get rid of your pocket change before you leave the country.

The greatest regret of my trip, and perhaps the past 10 years of my life, is that I used my last ¥100 coins buying Minions for zson and pink raccoons for zdaughter (they love Minions and raccoons, respectively) only to turn the corner (they have rows and rows of these things at Yodobashi Camera, which is a batshit crazy store deserving of its own post) to find this:

Sorry rob. Next time I'll get you some fingertip-sized flying squirrel tchotchkes.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Kenny Schrader and the New American Hero

I have a die-cast replica of a NASCAR car with an Alabama Crimson Tide-themed paint job in my office. It was given to me by the late, legendary Evan Lloyd, because he knew I was a Bama fan, not necessarily a stock car junkie. It's one of my favorite possessions.

Now I think I need another die-cast.

Regan Smith, a generally average driver in the Sprint Cup, will drive the 88 car in the next three Xfinity Series races. The Xfinity events are NASCAR's minor leagues. Some of you may remember them as the Nationwide Series, or another of the dizzying parade of major sponsors that I've completely forgotten. Smith's turn behind the wheel is unremarkable, but his major sponsor is not.

Smith will be running the Dale's Pale Ale Chevy Camaro. In fact, he already did, taking the car to an 11th place finish on Friday night at Bristol Motor Speedway.

Longtime G:TB readers will be well aware of our affinity for Oskar Blues' flagship brand, the first craft beer to be packaged in cans. It's heartening to know that Dale's is successful enough to be able to afford national exposure.

And it's only a matter of time before the pioneering brewery meets its namesake on the track. Dale Earnhardt, Dale's Pale Ale. Match made in heaven. Or at least in North Carolina.

zTravelogue: Media Reviews

I recently spent over 40 hours traveling to and from Japan. During this time I consumed a bunch of food and even more media--three movies and three books. I will attempt to channel Dave and provide pithy insightful reviews of each.

The Revenant

You've probably already seen this. I had not because I have two little kids who absolutely abuse babysitters so I've seen one movie in the theater in the past 5+ years, and by the time we put them to bed zwoman is too tired to watch more than an hour of TV so we only watch TV shows.

Anyway, it won three Oscars (actor, director, cinematography) so I had huge expectations. The movie was good but not great. To me it's just a standard revenge story, Grizzly Adams crossed with Gladiator or Kill Bill or Unforgiven. Like Gladiator it starts with an intense battle scene. And like all three, the protagonist and someone he loves go through a brutal experience that kill s the loved one(s). The protagonist is left for dead only to survive and come back and kill the people who wronged him and the person he loves in a remarkably violent climax.

To be fair, "brutal experience" doesn't do justice to what happens to Leonoardo DiCaprio.

The Revenant Bear Scene from Alamin Abadin on Vimeo.

Additional brutality befalls Leo--he seeks vengeance on a human, not the bear's cubs.

This was a fine way to pass 156 minutes, I'm just surprised that this was one of the best movies of 2015. I'm also surprised that DiCaprio finally won an Oscar for this performance--the role required very little range. All he had to do was act like he was fucked up by a bear, then act angry and fuck up a human. Did you see The Departed or Gangs of New York or even What's Eating Gilbert Grape? This seems like a lesser performance. But good for him on finally getting on Oscar.

Rating: 4 out of 5 airsickness bags.

Everybody Wants Some!!

This was positioned as a spiritual successor to Dazed and Confused, which I first saw in the DoG Street Theater and then saw at least 69 more times on VHS in FOG:TB Derek's room. Which is to say Dazed and Confused is one of my all-time favorite movies. It's perfect in so many thematic ways: paddles, whaleshit, "fry like bacon you little freshman piggies!" And then there's stuff like this with little gems sparkling up at you every time you watch:

Like Dazed and Confused, Everybody Wants Some takes place in Texas and involves students on summer break. Other similarities include a baseball montage and a protagonist who is a freshman guy who meets a girl and rapidly woos her during and after a party. And both were directed by Richard Linklater. Unlike Dazed and Confused, the students are college kids and they are enjoying the last 2 or 3 days of their summer vacation before classes start. And unlike Dazed and Confused, some of the camaraderie between the characters feels forced, the cinematography isn't as interesting, and I ultimately didn't care what happened to the characters.

But like the Revenant, it was a fine way to spend 117 minutes hurtling across the Pacific Ocean. I don't plan on watching it again and again though.

Rating: 3 out of 5 airsickness bags.

In the Heart of the Sea

Speaking of hurtling across, the Pacific OceanI previously opined that "In the heart of the sea is a great book, Moby Dick inspirations notwithstanding, but I don't see how it translates into a 90 minute movie." Director Ron Howard likely read my comment and took it to heart, drawing the film out for 122 minutes instead of 90. Unfortunately the book still didn't translate into a good movie.

In order to make the movie feel like a typical Hollywood story, Howard created beef between the captain (Pollard) and his first mate (Chase) right from the start. In the movie, Pollard got the captain job that Chase thought he deserved, the two men didn't know each other, Pollard didn't know how to sail and was a prick, and thus Chase resented/hated Pollard. But in the book they had previously sailed together and seemed to get along until they were months at sea and couldn't find any whales.

Chase is played by Chris Hemsworth who seems way too big to effectively move around on a rocking whaleship. Hemsworth affects an accent that is completely unrecognizable. I have no idea what he was going for but he ultimately sounds like a deaf truck driver from Long Island trying to impersonate Crocodile Dundee. All of this is to say that Hemsworth does not help the film.

Howard also cuts out a lot of the text on the art of whaling as well as a lot of the story. For example, there's no mention of eating tortoises, setting islands on fire, or visiting the Galapagos Islands. Howard somehow managed to take an incredibly compelling true story and make it feel like contrite Hollywood fiction. Not a good job by Opie Cunningham. At least it's better than this effort:

I don't regret watching this movie but I can't really encourage you to watch it either.

Rating: 2 out of 5 airsickness bags


This is an old book that I've been meaning to read for years but never got around to it until I was stuck at the Raleigh-Durham airport and saw it in the used bookstore. I started it then and finished it on my trip to Japan.

Mark Kurlansky likes to write about food and fishing, and cod is about both and more--Kurlansky writes at length about cod biology; baked cod; broiled cod; roasted cod; cod chowder; cod croquettes; cod stomp and go; cod bacalaitos; cod feroce; cod bouillabaisse; all the different varieties of salt cod; cod behavior; cod habitats; cod population growth and decline; cod fishing methods from antiquity through today; Cape Cod; New Englander's affection for cod; Englishmen's love of eating cod beyond all other flaky white fish; the Basque's penchant for catching cod; Iceland's economic dependence on cod; Spaniard's love of salt cod; how to clean cod; myriad ways to prepare cod roe; myriad ways to prepare cod tongue; myriad ways to prepare cod cheeks; how Clarence Birdseye invented frozen cod; how industrial cod fishing changed the world's economy; and all manner of other cod-related stuff.

I told you I would channel my inner Dave! All this fishy goodness is packed into about 230 pages, so it's a quick and pleasant read. That said, fans of natural history and oddball facts will enjoy this more than your average normal person. It's a book for Dave.

Rating: 3.5 out of 5 airsickness bags (unless you're Dave, then 4.5 out of 5)

When We Were Orphans

Kazuo Ishiguro wrote Remains of the Day, which I read and greatly enjoyed in Prof. Heacox's Contemporary Literature class. His later novel When We Were Orphans is not as good. In theory it's a detective novel--the main character is a detective who spends 3/4 of his life looking for his parents. Throughout the story he claims to solve all sorts of crimes, but the story never provides even a shred of detail regarding the crimes or how he solves them. He just talks about the fact that he solves crimes, ad nauseum, while pining away for some woman whom he says looks like a bird of prey. It's weird.

Set in Shanghai in the 1930's, during the Sino-Japanese War, an overly protracted portion of the book involves the main character slogging his way through bombed out rubble while bombs and bullets fly around him. So preposterous is this scene, and his motivation for the slog, that I began to believe the whole thing was a child's dream (the book starts in the main character's childhood). It isn't a dream. It's just weird.

And the conclusion is weird. I don't want to say that it was a let-down, but it kind of made me wonder why Ishiguro bothered to write the story in the first place. Immediately upon finishing the book, I quoted Ryan Lochte and said "Whatever."

But it kept me entertained for five straight hours and some of the writing is damn good. You could do worse. But if you're into stories set in Shanghai during the Sino-Japanese War, watch Empire of the Sun.

Rating: 3 out of 5 airsickness bags

In a Dark, Dark Wood

I was desperate for something to read and grabbed this at the tiny Hudson News next to my gate at SFO. I hadn't heard of it, and my other options were some tripe I'd heard of or some tripe I'd already read. This book is tripe too.

It's a mystery novel with no plot twist, no surprise, no ... mystery. The cover quotes Reese Witherspoon's assertion to "Prepare to be scared ... really scared!" but nothing scary happened. Just a bunch of British people in a house in a dark wood. A dark, dark wood, one might say.

It gave me something to do between San Francisco and Newark, but that's about it.

Rating: 2 out of 5 airsickness bags

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

All Growns Up

Speaking as someone who didn't and doesn't have the personal discipline to complete a graduate degree while working a full-time job and trying to be a good husband, I'm beyond impressed by our boy Teejay's graduation from Georgetown University with a Masters Degree in Public Relations and Corporate Communications.

We'll give the man a few days to celebrate before we expect him to resume his filler-filling duties. Which should now be performed at a Master level.

Monday, August 15, 2016

The Test 58: Can You?

Can you? Will you? Would you, at the very least, give it a try? Stacey breaks format this week and puts Cunningham and me on the spot. We occasionally perform admirably, but mainly humiliate ourselves.

There is also some serious debate about mnemonic devices.

Give it a shot, and see if you can.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

Get Your Fix

If you're like me, you're eagerly anticipating the return of football in your life. While I appreciate football in nearly all it's forms (Sorry, Canada), no version of the sport is as near or dear to me as College Football. Yes, I know it's an exercise in the traveshamockery of amateur athletics and that it's rife with corruption, hypocrisy and can feel outright sleazy at times but I don't really care. Okay, I care. Just not enough to turn against the sport. Fall Saturdays have long been my favorite aspect of the greater sporting calendar. What can I say? I'm a product of my environment. I came of age as a sports fan (junior high/high school) at a time when my home state boasted three of the sport's most dominant and entertaining CFB programs. Whether you loved or hated them, it's tough to say that Miami, Florida and FSU weren't among the nation's most highly entertaining and talented programs during the 1990s. On top of that, my two older sisters attended FSU so I spent 4-5 Saturdays each fall watching games at Doak Campbell Stadium. As if that weren't enough, I then chose to attend the University of Florida. I never had a chance. If you love sports like I (and most of us at G:TB) do, the atmosphere I grew up in virtually guaranteed that I'd love College Football.

Why am I saying all of this? Well, because while College Football is getting close (and holy shit look at the slate of games on Labor Day weekend), it's still a few weeks away and, damn it, I can't wait anymore. I need my fix. So, being the generous fellow that I am I figured I'd share how I'm getting that fix while I await the return (one last time) of my beloved Uncle Verne.

I'll start with the Showtime reality series that followed Notre Dame last year. Full disclosure: I watched this show in real time as last season progressed. I'm not opposed to watching it again though. And if you haven't watched, I highly encourage you to do so. Despite being of Irish descent and raised Catholic, I do not like Notre Dame. In fact, I actively dislike Notre Dame. But even with that going against it, I loved this show. They gave you an inside look at the week to week lives of Fighting Irish players and coaches. And the game/sideline footage was as good as you'll see on any football docu-series. Each episode is only a half hour. You can blow through it in an afternoon if you've got that kind of time. It's so well done that I even found myself (kind of) rooting for some of the Notre Dame players by season's end. By the way, Showtime is bringing the series back this season and they're following FSU this time around. No chance they'll get me to root for FSU players though.

Second on my hit list for you is the new Netflix series "Last Chance U". Netflix dropped this on us about three weeks ago and it does not disappoint. The series follows the 2015 season of Eastern Mississippi Community College which, if you don't know, is currently the most dominant JUCO football program in America. Boasting recent graduates like Ole Miss QB Chad Kelly and Alabama DT Jarran Reed among many others. Set in rural (to say the least) Scooba, MS this series follows the on and off field struggles of a group of young football players who ended up in the middle of nowhere due to either academic indifference and/or general knuckleheadedness, among other things. I won't spoil the show for you but I will implore you to watch it. It's only 6 hours total and it's incredibly watchable. My wife not only doesn't care for sports, she dislikes most if not all sports (I swear we have some things in common) and even she couldn't help but get sucked in to "Last Chance U" as she sat on the couch while I watched episode after episode. Oh yeah, they also use a dope Copywrite song for one of the training/practice montages.

So now you've got something to watch over the next week or so besides boring baseball or a million Olympic sports that you don't even really like. You're welcome.