Thursday, October 03, 2013

Wheelhouse Geoff Previews the President's Cup

Geoff has some free time on his hands this week. So we asked him to write 1,700 words that only five of you will read. 'Cause page views.


So who wants to read a lengthy preview of an event you probably didn’t even know was about to occur? Possibly no one. But, here goes—tree falling in an unpopulated woods.

Tomorrow begins the 10th President’s Cup matches, more commonly referred to as “The Ryder Cup With Different Foreigners And No Tradition or Drama.” The President’s Cup pits the International Team, comprised of the world’s best players not from the U.S. or Europe, versus the American Team. In the nine previous competitions, the US has a dominant record of 7-1-1. Yes…there was a tie…due to darkness and too much gutless pathetic collegiality.

The US has won often and easily in the President’s Cup, and no one can really figure out why. Is it because there’s no history, bad blood or attention paid to the event and thus no pressure? Is it because the International Team has no identity, nothing to bond over and in some years they all speak different languages? Is it because Greg Norman spent his four years as captain off banging all the International players’ wives while the matches are going on and they all knew it? MAYBE. In several past competitions, the Internationals have had a much stronger team than the US on paper (based on World Golf Rankings) and have still lost. Interestingly, this year, quite the opposite is true.


The President’s Cup has the same format as the Ryder Cup, except when it doesn’t. It’s similar in that two man teams play fourball (aka best ball) and foursomes (aka alternate shot)matches leading up to singles matches on Sunday. It’s different in that it’s a four day event (Ryder is just three), all 20 players play on Thursday and Friday and the captains get to take turns picking the matchups (in the Ryder Cup, captains just hand in an order of players blindly and it gets matched up with the other team’s order). In the Ryder, if the matches end in a tie, the team holding the Cup keeps the Cup (because fuck you, commies). In the President’s Cup, if it ends in a tie, the teams “share” the Cup, everyone gets a participation trophy and an “I’m Special” tee shirt and our country grows weaker, softer and the Chinese laugh. In 2003, the format stated that if The Presidents Cup ended in a tie, each Captain had to pick one player and those guys played sudden death until someone won—which is an awesome idea. Captain Nicklaus picked Tiger, Captain Player picked Els, and they played an awesome couple of holes without anyone winning. And then it got dark. And someone forgot to warm up Uncle Jack’s milk and tapioca pudding and we had to call it a tie and it was the greatest moment of sportsmanship, integrity and class since Jesus himself came down from heaven and broke up a fight in the 1964 Stanley Cup Finals. In short, it sucked.

The Teams

The International Team (world ranking in parenthesis), captained by three time major winner Nick Price (Zimbabwe) consists of:
Adam Scott (AUS) (2)
Jason Day (AUS) (16)
Charl Schwartzel (SA) (19)
Ernie Els (SA) (23)
Louie Oosthuizen (SA) (29)
Branden Grace (SA) (38)
Graham DeLaet (CAN) (32)
Richard Sterne (SA) (41)
Angel Cabrera (ARG) (51)
Marc Leishman (AUS) (61)
Brendon de Jonge (SA) (63)
Hideki Matsuyama (Japan) (30)

Happy now, Shlara?
So, this is pretty much a team of some super nice South Africans who really know how to golf their respective balls and whose parents were (allegedly) vicious murderous racists…mixed in with some dreamy Aussies, a Japanese kid and a pudgy chain smoking Argentinian who will rip your heart out and eat in front of you while your children and wife watch. Also, who the fuck are some of these guys? I believe Branden Grace was one of the bad guys in Lethal Weapon 2 and I'm 90% sure Richard Sterne has never been in my kitchen.


The US Team is captained by Fred Couples for the third consecutive year, because everyone likes Fred Couples and because Ben Crenshaw and Paul Azinger and 12 other guys did not return calls.
Tiger Woods (1)
Brandt Snedeker (9)
Phil Mickelson (3)
Matt Kuchar (8)
Jason Dufner (10)
Keegan Bradley (15)
Steve Stricker (7)
Bill Haas (28)
Hunter Mahan (26)
Zach Johnson (11)
Webb Simpson (Captain's Pick) (24)
Jordan Spieth (Captain's Pick) (21)

That team is stacked. As long as Hunter doesn’t shit all over himself again like he did in 2010 Ryder Cup and Dufner doesn’t run out of Skoal Wintergreen, this should be a blowout. And I think we are all looking forward to Keegan Bradley being paired up with Phil Mickelson again so he can reenact this scene all over the back nine at Muirfield.

The Course

This year’s event will be played at Muirfield Village Country Club in Dublin, Ohio, which is a suburb of Columbus. I spent two summers caddying at MVCC, where I was taught to 1) show up, shut up and keep up and 2) how to smoke weed inconspicuously whilst fore-caddying. Muirfield Village was among the first courses Jack Nicklaus designed and is also where he still lives part time with Barbara and the kids and his insanely high pitched nasally voice. It is home to the annual Memorial Tournament and hosted the 1986 Ryder Cup, which the US lost in a pretty stunning upset, but that’s another story for another time…like the one about the hooker with dysentery.

Tiger Woods has had incredible success at Muirfield (in 17 Memorials, Tiger is 171 under par on the par 5s. Seriously) and Matt Kuchar won the Memorial this year, two things that do bode well for the Americans. Like most Nicklaus courses, especially the early ones, every hole seems to be designed with Jack Nicklaus left to right ball flight in mind. Almost every tee shot sets up nicely for a fade (or a draw if you're a lefty like Mickelson), and players who rely upon a draw are going to encounter some shots that don't fit their eye. I'm not sure Muirfield has a “signature” hole (and I never did find the glory hole I keep hearing so much about), but both 12 and 18 serve as pretty memorable challenges. 12 is a daunting par 3 over water where the golfer finds himself teeing off almost 100 feet above the hole staring down at a green that appears to run away from you towards the water. It should make for some interesting play in some tighter matches. The 18th is a lengthy par 4 with one of the tougher tee shots you’ll find. Extremely tight fairway. Miss the fairway left and you find a creek, miss it right and you are in a bunker and blocked out by trees. If you decide to hit three wood, you’re left with a long iron into an elevated, well bunkered green. Good times all around.

From the perspective of the viewer this weekend, the par 5s will provide the most entertainment as all of them present great risk/reward opportunities. Both #5 and #11 have creeks weaving down the middle of the fairway which may dissuade some from using driver off the tee. And, both are pretty easily reachable in two. The second year at worked at Muirfield, I was assigned to work the driving range during The Memorial. We had a rain delay during the final round…which meant that all the golfers went to the locker room to take cover. Except for that asshole Vijay Singh. Vijay, who was leading the tournament at the time, headed straight for the range. Vijay was on the par 5 11th when play was suspended--he had 231 yards left to the hole for his second shot. So, in a driving rainstorm, he had his caddie pace off exactly 231 yards and stand, alone, out in the middle of the range getting douched with rain while Vijay pounded 3 woods at him. This went on for almost a half hour. I would guess Vijay hit 100-150 3 woods. And then it was announced that play was suspended for the day. Fast forward to Monday’s re-start, and Vijay stuck the 3 wood to two feet, tapped in his eagle and won the tournament. But he’s still an asshole. And his caddie hates him.

Prediction

The US wins again going away. I was considering the contrarian pick here, because the US always won this thing when the Int’l Team looked stacked…but I’m just not seeing it. The average World Golf Ranking on the American team is 13.6 and for the Internationals its 35.4. That seems to make a International win seem highly unlikely.

This morning's opening matches are as follows:

Mahan/Sneds vs J-Day/DaLaet - I like the internationals here. This pits two of our emotionally shakier guys together --seems like a bad pairing. Also, Jason Day is a member at Muirfield Village--his wife is from Columbus. So, that feels like an advantage.

Haas/Simpson vs Scott/Matsuyama - I like the internationals here as well. Matsuyama is a really solid young player and Adam Scott has been amazing this year. Webb Simpson has had issues all year and Bill Haas is bald...so that can't help matters.

FIGJAM/Keegan vs Louis and Charl - I like team spazz here to get some points up for the good guys. "Charl" is not a name.

Stricker/Speith vs Els/deJonge -Speith is an incredible talent (I have his picture in my hope chest next to my Rand Paul centerfold from National Review) and Stricker's Midwestern folksiness and putting stroke will win the day here. I will refer to this International pairing as El Debarge all day.


Kuch/Eldrick Woods vs Cabrera/Leishman - This one really depends on whether or not Angel feels like trying this weekend. I don't think he does. I think he plans to duff it around, take the Marlboro train to flavor country 40 times a round and drink a gallon a brandy at lunch.

Johnson/Dufner vs Rissoli and Isles - Its actually versus Grace and Sterne...who don't play in the US much. I like the Americans here based solely on jingoistic homerism. That said, I worry about this pairing. Johnson's a big God-squader and I bet Dufner thinks he's about a much fun as a kick in the pants. Put Johnson with Mahan so they can quote scripture for 18 holes and put Dufner with Woods or Speith so they can talk about getting "strange"and hand jobs.


So, I've got it 4-2 US after session #1. Let's go get em.

82 comments:

Danimal said...

a terrific review. not sure if anyone will ever care about the P-Cup except the PGA Tour of course who created the thing as a money grab.

pga tour guy - hey, how 'bout we create a ryder-cup like event pitting our guys against the rest of the world...10 or so guys per team...4-day event...and hear me out....WE WON'T PAY ANYONE! NO PURSE! Just like the Ryder Cup! We pocket all the cash from tv deals/tix/& retail! LOLZ. sure, we'll fly the guys there, give 'em a little stipend and feed them some grub. Whaddaya say?

for the 2nd week in a row saw furyk at my deli yesterday...he seemed really disappointed not to be in columbus.

Mark said...

Dufner uses Copenhagen. Very disappointing mistake by Geoff. Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed the preview. I miss Geoff's snarky mix of knowledge and prickishness.

Also, Nicklaus' kids still live with him and his wife? That's odd.

Danimal said...

one other miss geoff that i was disappointed about... jordan, once again, as an asst captain. you can make up for it....now.

rob said...

jalen rose thinks jordan's gonna play at least once this year for the bobcats. in the nba. at age 50.

thing is, he'll be charlotte's best guard.

Geoff said...

Nicklaus boys spend a lot of time at Muirfield Village. Gary in particular, was at the course almost every week. So...not under the same roof, but I believe they live in houses next door to Jack's.

Didn't know about MJ. I watched the opening ceremonies last night (yep, I was the one) and when they intro'd the captains, it was only DL3 and Jay Haas.

Shlara said...

Thanks Geoff--I'm working from my kitchen table today and am already tuned into the golf channel. Who needs another 12 hours of NFL preview on ESPN...

And a note to the editor: You couldn't include ONE photo of Adam Scott in this post!?!?

Every other day there's at least one SEC chick with side-boob. Can you throw me a bone here please??

rob said...

oh, come on, shlara. you realize that clarence is gonna spend the next 12 hours making bone/boner entendres, right?

Geoff said...

Here's a two for one Shalra...Adam Scott AND Gary Player naked. SFW. http://brojackson.com/basketball/nba/whos-hotter-adam-scott-vs-the-men-of-the-2013-espn-magazine-body-issue

Danimal said...

i guess he's an un-official cap'n, cap'n. ya know, so he can commandeer whores & blow while staying off of the radar.

Danimal said...

player probably needs to trim up down there. just a hunch.

Geoff said...

Other notable discoveries from the opening ceremonies:

Jack Nicklaus gave one of the most inarticulate speeches I've ever witnessed. Not sure if that was due to age, booze or general incompetence, but it was unexpected.

Jason Dufner is sneaky short...shortest guy on the team.

Hideki Matsuyama looked terrified and confused. Maybe a language barrier issue...maybe he couldn't get over how pasty and fat people in the midwest are...who knows.

Brandon deJonge can't decide what country he is from. He is listed as South African, but in a interview he said he was Zimbabwean. He was intro'd as being from RSA, but then when they played the national anthems, they announced they were playing Zimbabwe's for "Nick Price and Brandon deJonge." Let's get John Stossel or someone like that on the scent of this one.

T.J. said...

shlara, post has been updated to reflect your request

Shlara said...

Wrong Adam Scott Teej, but I know you know that.

And Rob, let the rhombus begin...

rob said...

needs more adam scott sideboob. also, glad to see shlara's at home boning up on the important stuff.

T.J. said...

while jammin' out to that AC/DC classic, Giving the Dog a Bone

zman said...

Maybe we can get some FIGJAM sideboob. Is Zimbabwe the same as Rhodesia? Or was that South Africa? I can't keep all these Boers straight.

Mark said...

Strong use of Boers by Z. Not helping the uppity perception though.

Geoff said...

And Mahan and sneds gets us off to a great start by losing the first hole.

Shlara said...

Geoff--your boy W (41) was just interviewed on the Golf Channel

Greg said...

A lot of white Zimbabweans claim RSA. I really think it's a snob thing.

Geoff said...

US now up in all three matches on the course. FIGJAM drained a 25 foot bomb for bird on #1. Keegan calmly responded by grabbing the flagstick and hurling it thru Charl Schawrtzel's chest.

Geoff said...

Shlara, was it along these lines: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3p9y_OEAdc

Clarence said...

Best movie about Boers: Breaker Morant. Rent it. And don't make a mess of it.

Best movie about Boars: (tie) Babe and Porky's.

Danimal said...

41 = ball striker

Geoff said...

So...all six matches are now on the course. US leads in 5, 1 is tied. Its early...but yikes.

zman said...

I could never be president, my golf swing is too bad. And I'm an Islamo-facist born in the bowels of hell somewhere outside the US.

T.J. said...

Woods/Kuchar set the high five back three decades

bit.ly/1756zCw

Geoff said...

The formidable duo of Grace and Sterne are two down thru 2 holes to Dufner and Johnson. Sterne, impressively, has yet to complete a hole, taking an X on the card for his first two holes, which are arguably among the easiest on the golf course.

Danimal said...

hopefully we'll get to see him in alternate shot. that would be entertaining.

Geoff said...

Sterne looks like he's in good shape to follow his two X's with a bogey on the 3rd, assuming his putt is conceded. If not, maybe a double bogey. Looks shakier than Michael J. Fox sitting on a paint mixer.

TR said...

Who is zee dickhead now?

Dave said...

I'm going to read this later, I promise -- but I just wanted to tell the G:TB staff that i just figured out how to use labels! the little tab is right there on the side!

rob said...

prepare yourselves for the first post ever written entirely in labels

rob said...

bucs really handled this josh freeman thing well, i think. schiano calling john boehner for help really did the trick.

T.J. said...

i got to a meeting at 155 in my building, i exit at 340...and in that time some lunatic is shooting up the Capitol and my building is on lockdown?

jesus christ man

T.J. said...

dave, im so very very proud of you

Mark said...

Actual quote from Greg Schiano to a gathering of Bucs season ticket holders earlier today, "when I arrived here, this situation needed Greg Schiano."

Somehow, he becomes more loathsome with each passing day.

Danimal said...

you breaking bad gals & fellas who also are on the tweet machine, read norm macdonald's feed starting sunday night/monday re the finale. he's got a theory on the ending being a dream. it's not an attempt at humor. after reading, it seems at the least plausible. i now have to watch the finale again.

Greg said...

Zman, you don't have to be born IN the US to be eligible for being the president. You just have to be born a citizen. This happens in one of two ways: either one of your parents is a citizen OR you are born in-country.
There's even an official State Department form called "Report of a Citizen Birth Abroad".

Greg said...

The Bucs handle EVERYTHING poorly:
--Lying to Bo Jackson about college eligibility for baseball.
--Not keeping Doug Williams
--Unceremonious dumping of Tony Dungy
--Not keeping a perfectly good John Lynch
--Cutting Derrick Brooks in a classless way

zman said...

Then why can't Obama be president ... his mother was American, right?

TR said...

Emily Nussbaum from the New Yorker addressed the Breaking Bad issue Danimal mentioned:

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/2013/09/breaking-bad-finale-reviewed.html

Greg said...

Yep...he could have been born in Kenya and it wouldn't have mattered.

zman said...

Sounds like a bunch of left-wing agitprop mularkey to me.

Mark said...

Dan- Simmons mentioned the Nussbaum article on his post Breaking Bad finale podcast. I went & read it and then subsequently saw McDonald's tweets. Seems legit but I choose not to subscribe to it because it makes me happier not to.

Greg- The Bucs don't handle everything poorly. Just most. They exiled Keyshawn's overrated ass when he was killing team chemistry. Then again, they did draft Michael Clayton over Stephen Jackson. And allow Gruden to hang around 3-4 years too long and run their roster into the ground due to his obsession with bringing in over the hill veterans as well as every semi-conscious out of work QB available. So, yeah, they're terrible.

Mark said...

My old man is fairly reserved guy but he's nearly giddy during Cardinal playoff runs. He couldn't stop talking about tonight's game when I saw him earlier today and he's sent me three texts since the game started. Which is three more texts than I've received from him in the past month.

rob said...

headed out tomorrow for this year's ragnar race. follow @moovis4mayor for sleep-deprived dipshittery.

zman said...

The Browns' all-brown unis are to fly at all. Doo-doo browns.

zman said...

To = not

zman said...

"A head coach should know the rules." Yes. Yes he should.

zman said...

Kiko Alonso might be the teats.

Mark said...

Doo doo brown! Doo doo brown!!

zman said...

Please stop kicking to Travis Benjamin.

zman said...

For everyone else's benefit, insert some beat boxing between "doo-doo brown"s for full effect.

zman said...

Glad I benched spiller and stated Jackson.

T.J. said...

I benched both. Ugh.

T.J. said...

Z, what are you bitching about? In your goofy league they've had the same night.

zman said...

Spiller to a yardage bonus.

zman said...

Mayock said that buffalo's offense is like a boa constrictor because "they keep running." Boa constrictors don't run. They have no legs.

zman said...

Fuuuuuuuuuuck

zman said...

Go for two now?

T.J. said...

You ok with jackson now?

zman said...

Yes. Now they are equivalent.

zman said...

They gave up a bomb from wheeden?!

zman said...

Twice?

zman said...

They JUST put Jim Brown's name up?!?

zman said...

Lots of incredulity in zhome tonight.

zman said...

Chan Gailey would take a safety here.

Danimal said...

Go team.

zman said...

Fer Christi's sake.

zman said...

Or Christ.

Mark said...

I had faith in CJ (or just don't have very good backup RBs). And thus I was rewarded.

zman said...

Teul time!

zman said...

Or Tuel.

Danimal said...

Nighty night

zman said...

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck

Mark said...

I think the Bills are the only team that all this pink shit looks good on.

So the Browns might be kinda good?

zman said...

Hard to say, Tuel helped them a bit. Their D looks good. Weeden has flashes of goodness.

zman said...

Jump Around is classic rock. I am old.

Dave said...

hey gheorghies! (pretty late for soccer season)

Marls said...

Hi Dave.

Marls said...

Work in 4 hours is gonna hurt.