Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Drug Week: Public Service Announcement

"Get ripped off in a drug deal, and there's not a whole lot you can do. It's not like you can complain to the Better Business Bureau or leave your dealer a lousy review on Yelp. As one dealer puts it, "I mean, what you gonna do? What, you gonna go up to the police and say, 'Hey man, he skeeted me out of an ounce'? Hell no."

First, Yelp for drug dealers sounds like a brilliant idea. Who's in charge of app development around here?

More importantly, though, as we continue with our drug week coverage, until our call for legalization is heeded across the nation, you'll want to make sure you check out the sublimely and coincidentally perfectly named The Week's guide to safely purchasing your recreational meds.

While some of the recommendations are fairly obvious - 'do not be an addict' seems particularly intuitive, for example - what strikes me even more is that nearly all of the guidelines apply to commercial transactions of all types. Repeat customers are more likely to get better treatment, for example. My dry cleaner, a lovely Asian woman (it's not a stereotype; it's true), with an unfortunate habit of telling one of my daughters that's she's prettier than the other, charges me a discounted rate every time I bring my things to her. I've been going to her store for nearly 10 years. I'm a good customer, and I get treated as such.

As for The Week's advice to 'not offend the seller', again, this would seem to be self-evident. Common sense, even.

In the interest of public safety, then, here's the entire list of things to do to protect your interests in a drug deal, as compiled by criminologists Scott  Jacques, Andrea Allen, and Richard Wright (who seem to have gone to significant lengths to justify buying a bunch of weed):

(1) Portray yourself to the seller as likely to make further purchases if satisfied.
(2) Buy from the same seller on a regular basis.
(3) Become acquainted with the seller to the greatest degree possible.
(4) Bring the dollar amount specified by the seller.
(5) Be informed about the going market rate: price per unit of a particular grade.
(6) Do not offend the seller.
(7) Present yourself as willing to take your business elsewhere, complain, or retaliate.
(8) Do not be an addict.

19 comments:

Greg said...

Darren, say it ain't so.

rob said...

wrens a 4-point road favorite against hofstra tonight. w&m is a better team, for sure, but they have a history of playing like shit in hempstead (or losing on ridiculous charles jenkins bombs) - case in point, last year's bed-shitting, as witnessed by marls. i like the tribe, but i wouldn't bet on it.

Squeaky said...

I haven't purchased illegal drugs since the 90's which was most likely at a Dead show. So I'd have to add: #10 Have a friend buy it and pay a small mark up.

rob said...

"...but i wouldn't bet on it." is essentially my signature when it comes to w&m hoops prognostication.

mayhugh said...

I would add "Always pretend it is your first time, and someone will give it to you for free".

And what's that about letting the seller know you're willing to retaliate? Retaliate how? Is he going to get his house tp'd if he gives schwag?

zman said...

Yeah, I wouldn't threaten to retaliate against Marlo Stanfield.

zman said...

Big day at GTB!

Danimal said...

mark schlereth just responded to a tweet from me. will be buying an inversion table by day's end.

Clarence said...

Duh, Zman, it's drug week. What do you think everyone is doing?

zman said...

All I'm doing in honor of drug week is Advil Cold & Sinus with a lansoprazole chaser.

rob said...

thornton not starting for the tribe tonight. rut roh.

TR said...

I am flying to Denver Sunday morning and trying to sneak in a half day on the slopes before a conference at Beaver Creek. I've been doing my homework on the retail items now being sold. They look delicious and affordable. I may have a hard time keeping it together during the trip.

rob said...

tribe's getting run out of the gym by hofstra. fucking hofstra.

rob said...

lost by 17 to a very mediocre hofstra team. jesus, we suck on the road.

zman said...

Li Na is beating Genie Brouchard like she owes Li money. I think Brouchard scored four points through five and a half games.

rootsminer said...

TR, maybe the next installment of drug week will give you some tips for exercising your recreational rights, but still taking care of business.

Danimal said...

hi gheorghies.
Charlie sheen on jay leno - and he is plowed.

Greg said...

TR, there is a liquor store in Beaver Creek called "Beaver Liquors". No, seriously.

TR said...

Thanks for the note, Greg. I'll be the 39 y/o guy disappointing folks by excitedly taking a picture of that sign.

In other news, are we now supposed to call it the "B1G"? That's now a real thing? Seen it twice in print recently. Awful.