Wednesday, July 03, 2013

The 27,000 Reasons Why Candlepin Bowling is Better Than Ten Pin Bowling

I am forty-three years old, and for most of those years, my family has vacationed in Chatham, Massachusetts. I consider myself lucky that I've spent so much time on the Cape. It is scenic, historic, and full of natural wonders. And while it's not my favorite seaside destination, it has moved up in the rankings recently -- and sadly, this should have happened many years ago. Though the Orleans Bowling Center has been in existence for my entire life, just a few miles up Route 6A, it wasn't until yesterday that I tried my hand at candlepin bowling. And now everything is different.


It is hard to explain how much better candlepin bowling is than regular ten pin bowling, but I will try. Now that I have bowled candlepin, I want to do bad things to my ten pin bowling ball. That's right, I  have my own ten pin bowling ball. Sixteen pounds. I even have my own shoes. And I HATE ten pin bowling. I gave it the "college try." Went Monday night with some buddies. Drank beer. Rolled the ball. Tried to learn to hook it into the pocket. Hurt my wrist. Drank more beer.

But now I want to chuck my ball out of a moving car. I want to hit it with a wrecking bar. I want to hurt it. Sodomize it. Fill the holes with cement and toss it off the Donald Goodkind Bridge.

Now that I have experienced the thrill and convenience of candlepin bowling, I hereby swear -- with Gheorghe as my witness -- that I will NEVER ten pin bowl again. NEVER! I might drink beer in a ten pin alley while my friends bowl, but never again will I stick my sweaty fingers into one of those giant ten pin balls and try to spin it down the lane. Instead, I will sit back, quaffing my lager, and expound upon the merits of candlepin bowling, until my friend's either kick the shit out of me, or convert to my frame of mind. Frame of mind. (There is the problem that there are no candlepin bowling alleys in New Jersey, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it).

For those of you who have never candlepin bowled, let me try to explain what makes it so great. And don't get me wrong: it's not THE greatest thing. I'd still rather play soccer or darts. It's just that it is so much greater than regular bowling. Here are some reasons why:


1. Everyone uses the same ball. It looks and feels like a bocce ball. There are loads of them, and they are interchangeable. You can't even tell the difference between them. There's none of that interminable walking around the lane, trying to find a ball that fits your fingers. And there's no advantage to bringing your own ball. So there's none of this business:


2. No finger-holes to worry about. I sweat a lot, and I have a thick thumb. This is a dangerous combination: I'm either worried about getting my thumb stuck in the ball or losing my grip completely. And I hate holding my hand over that little air-vent.

3. After you bowl, you don't have to wait for your ball to return. Just grab another one from the rack and chuck it! This is great for my ADD.

4. You get three tries. Three is the magic number of jokes and darts and Star Wars trilogies. Two is not enough. Five is right out. The number of the counting shall be three. That's three, sir.


And you bowl two frames at once. So you get six rolls on your turn, which is enough to get a feel for things. Two rolls and then your turn is over? That's just stupid. The number of the counting shall be three.

5. No ball weights to worry about. I own a sixteen-pound bowling ball, because I'm a real man. I used to bowl with it on Monday nights. Tuesday mornings, my elbow always hurt, because not only was I a real man, but I was also a real idiot. If I used a lighter ball, I probably could have been a decent bowler, but I wasn't going to sacrifice my machismo for skill. Candlepin bowling removes the testosterone factor.

6. The fallen pins aren't cleaned from the lane. They just lie there, and you can use them to knock down the other pins. Sometimes, the best thing to do is roll a gutter ball, because it will hit a dead pin and consequently knock down a corner pin (I'm not sure about the legality of this move, but it works like gangbusters).


7. Three, count them three foul lines! One foul line is lame. Two lines aren't quite enough. Four foul lines would be ridiculous. Five . . . right out. But three foul lines is perfect. There's a foot fault line, of course. Then there's the lob line, ten feet out -- so you have to roll the ball, not hurl it softball style. And finally, there's the fantastically named Dead Wood Line . . . if a pin rolls two feet forward of the head pin, you can't knock it into the other pins with the ball, but if it's "live wood" then you can use it to knock down the remaining pins.

8. Candlepin bowling is impossible. The highest score EVER recorded is 245. If you can bowl over one hundred, that's a good game. No one has ever bowled a perfect three-hundred. So every time you head out to candlepin bowl, you might set the record.


I, for one, am sick of hearing about people who have bowled a three-hundred game (unless, of course, it's Homer Simpson. You can do it Otto! You can do it Otto! Make this spare and I'll buy you free gelato!)

I've had several students do it, and a good friend of mine. It's annoying. What's left once you bowl three hundred? Nothing. You might as well off yourself, because you've achieved perfection. The rest of your life will be a complete let-down. An exercise in futility and disappointment. But if you're a candlepin bowler, there's always something to shoot for . . . two forty-six, baby, two forty-six.

9. Kids are just as bad as adults at it. Among the five of us who bowled yesterday, my nine year old son Alex had the only strike. He followed it with a "one." I was the only person to get a spare. I followed it with a gutter ball. Men, women, children, cripples, the blind . . . everyone sucks at candlepin bowling.

10. Even though you'll suck at it, the motion is smooth and easy. It's essentially like pitching a softball. And who doesn't love a softball pitcher?


I'll leave the 26, 990 other reasons for another post, but follow my advice: get in the car and drive to Cape Cod, toss your ten-pin bowling ball into the Nantucket Sound, and give candlepin bowling a whirl. I promise you'll never go back. And if you ever catch me in a ten pin bowling alley, drop a sixteen pound bowling ball on my testicles and remind me of my promise: that I will never roll a ten pin ball again, as long as I live.

P.S. I'd love to open a candlepin alley in New Jersey. I am guessing once you read this post, you'll be willing to financially back me. Who is in?

65 comments:

rob said...

a 16-pound bowling ball would make an awesome splash when dropped into the sound. i'm in for that.

Jerry said...

I recall making a similar argument (although probably many fewer words) when I candlepin bowled for the first time in the late 80s/early 90s. Easier to throw and more strategy because of the downed pins in play.

The one thing you miss from regular bowling is the pin explosion and the sound when you hit it just right. It's satisfying to chuck a heavy ball as hard as you can and see/hear all the pins blast into the back of the pin area (or whatever it's called)

Jerry said...

I'm also pretty surprised that Dave had never candelpin bowled before. If we were playing the Tortuga's game of who's done/seen X, I definitely would've guessed yes on Dave.

Danimal said...

have never done candlestick bowling. hadn't even heard of it.

back in the charm city days b4 klynch became mr. crossfit, we used to go duckpin bowling at this shitshow of a place. you could bring in your own coolers. so, we would do that. it was a ma & pa place, with ma & pa's boy, in his early 20's and also a paraplegic assisting. no, he wasn't the guy at the register - he was the guy that would drag his body down the lane to move a pin that had found itself out of reach of racker. this happens often in duckpin bowling. that always freaked us out. other than, the duckpin start to the day always set us on a nice path for the remainder.

T.J. said...

god damn it's nice to have summer dave back

T.J. said...

I have been to that joint in Baltimore, danimal. I know exactly where you're talking about.

Danimal said...

your picture was on the wall

T.J. said...

as it should be. "most mozzarella sticks eaten in one sitting"

zman said...

I'm pretty sure candlepin bowling is only available in New England, and regular bowling is hard to find up there. There was an awesome bar in Jamaica Plain called the Milky Way that had candlepin bowling on one side and live music on the other, sort of like a miniature/ghetto Brooklyn Bowl. I google street viewed it and it's gone, but now there's a Whole Foods nearby.

T.J. said...

wonder how Geoff's rendition of Moon River is going right now at the doc

TR said...

Per Jerry's comment, 100% of my enjoyment while bowling comes from throwing the heaviest ball I can find as hard as physically possible down the lane. I'm convinced my score would be better if I took a deep breath, aimed and threw it at a slower pace, but that's not nearly as fun. And my kids get excited when I whip the ball down there and it makes that big noise.


Probably won't be fun when I tear my rotator cuff doing this in a couple years...

Geoff said...

My appointment isn't for a couple weeks. But John Wooden said that failing to prepare is preparing to fail. speaking of, where does one purchase butt bleach?

Mark said...

The bowling hall of fame is in St. Louis. If you go, you get to candlepin bowl (as well as ten pin) for free. Candlepin is indeed pretty great.

TR said...

Candlepin > Candlebox

T.J. said...

Candlepin > Candelabra

zman said...

Candlebox ≈ Candlestick

Geoff said...

Candiotti > Candlesticks

Greg said...

Candy Corn > Caramel Cod

Mark said...

Ear candle > Candiotti

T.J. said...

5 carrots in yo baby girl's ear > ear candle

zman said...

putiing 5 carrots in my baby girl's ear > reading Word Up magazine

Danimal said...

Box > Candle

zman said...

Pooping cellphone guy is at it again. Very disturbing.

Clarence said...

TR's approach to bowling is also mine. I play golf the same way.

I candlepin bowled a number of times during my two summers on Cape Cod. After all, when you have the day off from work and it rains, there isn't much to do but sit around and drink. Sometimes even I would get bored of that and go to a bowling alley to bowl and drink.

Greg said...

Buttbath & Beyond?

Augbesions & Such?

Geoff said...

Greg, is that down in Browntown?

Greg said...

You gotta take the old dirt road to get there.

Mark said...

Total wine just opened near my office. That place ain't bad. Picked up some dark & stormy supplies along with some of the usual spirits.

Danimal said...

did much of the same both yesterday & today mark - today was the gosling's, some tito's vodker, and a 6'r of Dale's, which i've never had. you just don't see it here. and on the beer front, i'd like to ask for a moratorium on any new beers created between now & 2017 so that i might be able to sample them all.

anyone got a bitchin rotisserie chicken baste recipe?

T.J. said...

tito's vodka is awesome

zman said...

Jerzy Janowicz just became the first Pole to make the semis of Wimbledon. Doubtlessly due to our support.

zman said...

And Andy Murray's going to win the whole thing after today's performance. I expect Brits to sing "God Save the Queen" during his changeovers from here on out.

Clarence said...

Danimal! Gosling's, Tito's, and Dale's = Clarence's. Nice work.

Like Mark and Dan (GTB:FLA), I will have to drink some Gosling's tonight as well -- tomorrow is for American products, but tonight, in honor of Andy Murray, we go Bermudian. I might even wear some Bermuda shorts and go smart casual as the gents on Front Street in Hamilton do. Or I might not wear shorts at all.

T.J. said...

Jerzy Janowicz is a real name?

TR said...

Danimal - curious for your take on Dale's. Super-hoppy Pale Ales don't do it for me.

Does it make me an alcoholic if I kept to my train beer scheule, even if it was a half day and I left at 1 PM? It's a Wednesday, but it is the eve of a four day w/e.

Mark said...

No, TR. It makes you consistent and smart. I also picked up some Pacifico Clara since ill be outdoor drinking tomorrow.

Shlara said...

I'm so glad the Wizards aren't trying to court Dwight Howard. We do need a legit center, but he's such a dick--not worth the headache.

Danimal said...

i left out the 16 oz bud lite's...got some of those too. skull crusher lites bitches!

Geoff said...

For those in the DMV, check out DC Brau, especially The Public Pale Ale. Its the only beer brewed in the District (right next to Hains Point) and it has a smooth draw, nutty finish and enough to win me the high and low.

zman said...

Geoff appreciates a smooth draw and a nutty finish.

Geoff said...

I don't understand what "smooth draw" is supposed to mean in this latest installment of the "geoff is gay" joke series. Please clarify.

Mr KQ said...

Thumbs up on DC Brau. Comes in cool glasses too. That sounds dirty.

Clarence said...

I tried to make my old girlfriend come in cool glasses, but the embossed "DEVO" scratched her thigh and it never happened.

Clarence said...

She was a Kappa, too, so it was long odds, anyway.

Mark said...

I'd like to help Geoff. But I've been told I should refrain.

mayhugh said...

This comment thread has been one of the better collective performances of recent memory. Have a good holiday, Gheorghies.

Mr KQ said...

Did she end up with Cateye Scratch Fever?

Dave said...

wow. i'm surprised how many of you have candlepin bowled. i will have to do something even weirder tomorrow and write an epic post about it.

went hiking in wellfleet today. that's some town.

rob said...

i'm in...delaware. they don't permit glass bottles on the beaches here. so dale's wins in more than one way. also drank too much hendrick's last night. still my favorite gin.

i've never candlepinned, but i think it would suit my particular bowling style. which is based on having small fingers and no strength.

rob said...

brad stevens just took the celtics job. that's flabbergasting.

Clarence said...

Dave, did you go to the Beachcomber in Wellfleet? Ween played there. R.I.P. Ween.

Clarence said...

Worst beach I ever visited was Fire Island. No food. No beverages. No throwing a ball. What the frig?

You can however, suck your life-partner's ball all the live-long day, so that was a huge plus.

Shlara said...

I cannot believe Brad Stevens left Butler for the Celts.

If we could have convinced him to coach the Wizards, I would have gone back to the front office to be his secretary. I love him.

Mark said...

Pretty shocked by the Stevens new as well. I think it's a great idea by Ainge. Start the rebuild with a coach that can see it all the way through and who doesn't have a blowhard/screamer reputation. That's key with all the young guys he'll coach over the next few years. I hope Butler enjoyed their 5-6 years of relevance.

Mark said...

As for Rob's comment about bottles on the beach, they allow that up your way? Bunch of savages up there.

rob said...

no, they don't. that's why dale's in cans wins.

Dave said...

there's a post in there, clarence. pros/cons of fire island.

Danimal said...

The Dale's....meh. I had higher expectations.
Had a couple of Dark'n Stormy's...one with the Reed's and one with Bundaberg's from Australia...Bundaberg's wins with my palate but it was close.

Shlara said...

I still am shocked about Brad Stevens...

zman said...

Whale's Tail is the better pale ale play IMHO. Available in cans and bottles.

zman said...

Shlara, are you shocked that he left or that the C's hired him?

Shlara said...

Shocked he left Butler.
Brilliant move by the Cs.

TR said...

It's a great move for Stevens. If he craps the bed, he'll still have major college programs begging for his services. We've seen this before with Pitino and Calipari.

TR said...

My wife went to Fire Island with a gay couple. She said I should join. I said no way. When she was at the beach with them, she saw a guy giving a BJ to another guy about 20 ft away, at the edge of (but not in) nearby woods. Good times, at least fir one of those guys.

I'll be back soon with more comments that would've been more relevant 15 hours ago.

Lynn said...

HI! I really loved this post, I have a candlepin blog and I was just checking to see if anyone else had one and I could gawk over every theyve been to that I haven't. I haven't checked out any alleys on the cape yet, but this one has been on my radar. I wish candlepin existed everywhere and I hope it doesn't die.

Loved this post and thank you for HATING 10 pin.

-Lynn
http://candlepinadventures.blogspot.com/