Friday, July 31, 2009

The Top Ten Montreal Expos

Don't get used to this, and I'm doubling it up on Sentence of Dave while I'm on vacation, but here's something else Gheorghe-like. I think this topic was discussed on the Wednesday night of OBFT, and then it came up again at my house on Sunday, and so I have compiled the definitive list: there will be no additions, subtractions, alterations, discussions, debate, consternation or vacillation. This IS the list.

The Top Ten Montreal Expos

1) Tim Wallach-- for his comment on summer in Canada: "I went 0 for four."
2) Gary Carter-- for the perm.
3) Tim Raines-- because doing a little blow won't keep you off this list.
4) Andres Galarraga-- for his nickname, El Gato.
5) Andre Dawson-- for being a triple crown contender year in and year out.
6) Otis Nixon-- like I said, a little blow won't keep you off this list.
7) Pete Rose -- he wasn't there long, but he did get his 4000th hit in Canada.
8) Al Oliver-- for the mustache.
9) Jeff Reardon-- for the beard.
10) Vladimir Guerrero -- for the talent and the Slavic-Hispanic name.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Who wants to be the first team to 69 losses?

Attaboy Manny Acta Jim Riggleman, your squad "wins"...and in typical Natty's fashion, losing on a 6th inning pinch hit HR by Casey McGehee of the Brewers last night. Of course, it was the Brew Crew's first pinch hit HR of the year...nice work Nats.

But I did not come here today to bury the hometown nine, in fact, as hard as it is to believe, the Washington Nationals have been playing sorta kinda OK lately (they had won 4 in a row and 6 of 8 before last night's loss). I came here to let you know that not only are the Nationals no longer the worst team in baseball, league-leading 69 losses be damned, they aren't even second worst. "Lay off the pipe, TJ" you say. No, it's true, loyal readers, hang with me on this.

The race for worst team in baseball is a dead heat between the San Diego Padres and the Pittsburgh Pirates, with yesterday's Pirates' moves positioning Pittsburgh to run away with this contest. I don't know any Pirates fans, but they must be the most bummed out group of sports fans going these days. Just a complete nightmare in Steel far as I can tell, it's hard to rebuild when all you have is Triple A and below talent...on your major league roster. And the Padres...jesus where do you start with these guys. Not only did the Nats take 2 of 3 from them last weekend, but they might have one of the worst lineups I've ever seen. Adrian Gonzalez can't say enough rosaries to get out of there.

This post was meant to be longer, and for once I might've had substance to add, but this David Ortiz news, while not necessarily surprising, is still a bit of a I'm gonna catch my breath and reflect on this latest fall from grace with a cold one...just remember, the Nats ain't the worst team in baseball. They're not, trust me, I am right on this (for once).

A Greasetruck song for Gheorghe

Although I generally keep my thoughts constrained to one sentence over on The Sentence of Dave, I think the readers of Gheorghe may like the new Greasetruck song, "King of the Ring." It's about evolution, and everybody likes songs about evolution, and it has several sports allusions, which is why I think it should premiere over here. I also sing like a choir of angels, but that's nothing new. The song is a technological triumph as well as an artistic one, because you can play it just by clicking on the widget below. It took me longer to figure out how to do this than to record the song. I've also included the lyrics, in case you can't make out my rural inflections.

I want to pit my kids against your kids--
like Michael Vick, I want to see who will be the king of the ring.

Hey man is that your boy over there?
Rolling around in that tight underwear,
fondling boys on that gymnastics mat?

I think my boy will challenge yours to man to man combat

Yeah that's my boy, in the shade of the tree.
Flower in his hair, strumming his ukulele.
Do not let his appearance deceive you--
just like your boy, he's got his moves . . .

He is not one of your ordinary fools.
He does not play by your everyday rules.
He bites and kicks, he might even grab your jewels

So there's your girl with the big stack of books--
I'm sure you know she's a little short on looks.
Check out my girl in the pink mini-skirt,
that biker groping her is sure to get hurt.
Like sticky paper attracting flies . . .

My girl's honey catches all the guys.
I'll have me a grandson before you blink your eyes.

But your four eyed girl-- she's economic pain.
She'll need a doctorate to feed her greedy brain.
And that's my youngest, crouching down, eating dirt--
he's in direct communication with the earth.
he don't talk so good, but his mind, it ain't dull . . .

in fact his teacher says that he might be special.

so your kids, they don't stand a chance
in this no holds barred genetic dance.
Your kin will stand alone against the wall
while mine procreate with everybody at the ball.

Like locusts, they will overrun the world,
while you're busy incubating your precious pearls.
So I want to pit my kids against your kids--
like Michael Vick, I want to see who will be king of the ring.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

16 Reasons to Love Superbad

I'm not really breaking now ground on the interweb with this one, but Superbad has
been trapped on this guy's DVR for a while now, and it may never come off. The first 30 minutes are classic. Jonah Hill brings the goods with every other line. Here's a snippet to get you through your Hump Day morning.

“Well I’m sorry, Evan, that the Coen brothers don’t direct the porn I watch. They’re hard to get a hold of, okay?”

“You ever seen a vagina by itself? Not for me.”

“You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it and it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my belly button.”

“And (she dated) Matt Muir. He’s the sweetest guy ever. Have you ever stared into his eyes? It’s like the first time I heard the Beatles.”

“I’m not gonna dance around it. She looks like a good fucker.”

“When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I gonna be a chef. No. There’s two weeks left in school. Give me a fuckin’ break.”

“For some reason, I don’t know why, I would just kind a sit around all day and draw pictures of dicks.”

“They literally made me stop eating foods shaped like dicks. No hot dogs, no popsicles. You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.”

“Well, Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it’s located on my cock.”

“She wants to fuck me. She wants my dick. In and around her mouth.”

“She looked me in the eyes and said ‘Seth, Mama’s making a pubey salad and I need some Seth’s own dressing.”

“By the time college rolls around, I’ll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vaj.”

“Making her tits smaller? That’s like slapping God across the face for giving you a gorgeous gift.”

“I gotta catch a glimpse of these warlocks. Let’s make a move.”

“Oh, you got a stain too. We’re blood brothers.”

“I’m sorry. You used my leg as a tampon.”

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Happy Birthday Jessie Spano

How 'bout you lay off those pep pills today, ok?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Rob's on vacation... you get (1) the world's worst dentist (shockingly a resident of Mark's home state):

NAPLES, Fla. (AP) - Florida officials have arrested a woman for allegedly practicing dentistry in a garage she converted into an office with a drill set and black reclining chair. Rosa Maria Toledo, 56, was arrested Tuesday. In her garage deputies found a cabinet containing dental castings, molds, dental crown glues, partial dentures and bridges.

...(2) further proof Hollywood is absoutely devoid of original ideas:

Neal H. Moritz and his Original Films are in final negotiations to develop and produce for Columbia Pictures a contemporary version of Total Recall, the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger sci-fi action movie directed by Paul Verhoeven, says The Hollywood Reporter.

... and (3) a reward for even scrolling down this far:

Bonus Materials
...and (4) I guess we aren't the only folks who appreciate (not a strong enough word) this clip...

Friday, July 24, 2009

G:TB's Favre Connection

Team G:TB's acquaintance with mediocre NFL quarterbacks is one of the under-told stories of this blog's nearly 6-year existence. By accident of geography or circumstance, our staff has personal relationships with a trio of middling field generals. You're aware, of course, of Mark's friendship with Todd Bouman and of Whitney's long-time family friendship with Don Majikowski. The details of my relationship with Sage Rosenfels are probably less familiar to you (he attended Camp Wakamuk in Vermont while I was a counselor back in the late 80s), but the relationship does explain the text exchange I just had with him:

SageRo: DUDE!

Me: um, what?

SageRo: old bstrd wont make up his friggin mind. drving me crzy.

Me: hang in there, man

SageRo: effing mr noodle. can't trust a dude with a mustache.

Me: ain't that the truth

SageRo: tavarris thinks we shld off both of them. told him hes on his own.

Me: wakamuk taught u well

SageRo: but if old dude ends up w a heart attak, u heard it here first. later.

Me: ohhkay

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Sad, Really

On the one hand, big ups to William & Mary. On the other hand, the mainstream media is a disgrace.

(h/t to The Atlantic)

I got a kick out of this...

and it was time to dump Dave and his 'stache down the page. Courtesy of DJ Steve Porter, here is your G:TB-approved YouTube Clip of the Day entitled "Press Hop":

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

For one last glimpse of this year's ex-stache-aganza, here's the undisputed champ, Dave. (I can't remember what the bartender nicknamed him. Something cheesy Italian.)

The Ghoogles, sponsored by Cinnabon

It's been awhile, so why not check the ole site meter to see what entertaining, sad, frightening, unbelievable and asinine search terms people most recently used to end up on G:TB:
  • worksuck quotes
  • randy newman blog
  • fishing blogger
  • Earv "I'll Be Right Back" Opong
  • jason collins signing prospects
  • what the fuck is a pompatus
  • worst baseball hall of fame inductees
  • pandemic vs epidemic
  • chargers punter braces
  • little yellow friend
  • fresh prince tattoo
  • AFV honorable mention song?
  • funniest minor league mascots
  • jay fiedler's girlfriend
  • green day blogspot
  • steve mcnair cinnabun
  • randy newman
  • fishing blogspot
  • real tomato ketchup
  • Gay TB videos
  • oh its on now mother fucker

Hump Day Baseball Trivia

10 current MLB players have played for ten or more seasons, all with the same franchise. Name them.

Hint 1: 7 are American Leaguers, 6 play in the AL East.
Hint 2: The player below is one of the names on the list.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Thanks for Sucking Somewhere Else.

Because, honestly Jose, we're all stocked up on suck in this town.

When asked to comment on his play as of late for the lowly Royals, former Washington Nationals outfielder, Jose Guillen, offered up this quip: "I feel very embarrassed... I hate making excuses. If I suck, then I suck. And I suck."

Another Beaut

Voted "dirtiest-looking mustache" by the bartender:

It's "Terry":

Monday, July 20, 2009

Fishing Trip Fun

Here's another dandy from OBFT XVI. Since recapping the weekend is pointless because of inside jokes and too hard because of sprained brains, you may just be getting "the weekend in photos." (Thanks to Wheelhouse Jerry.)

The one thing that may help you get one thread of unfunny inside jokes: the female bartender at Tortuga's took guesses at what our real names might be.

Heeeeere's Dwight:


Consider this the whetting of your appetites. Below, pictorial evidence of the G:TB/Wheelhouse summit that took place during Mustacheapalooza 2009.

Friday, July 17, 2009

I'm so hard up I'd even watch Tribe Football right now...

Do you like football? I like football. Are you tired of having to "think" of things do to on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon? I sure as fuck am. Hell, why do you think half of G:TB (and assorted others) are off in the Outer Banks this weekend waxing each others mustaches and reliving their glorious days of fraternity life?

This beer is delicious Skip!

You said it Chip. How about we call Thad and Tad and see if they'd like to play a rousing game of penuckle?

I say!

I'm not sure if that's what life at William & Mary was like but that's how it looks in my head. I'm also not sure exactly what college life is like at my alma mater, University of Florida, since it's been 6 years since I was a student there, but I'm pretty sure its still fucking awesome 95% of the time. And really fucking awesome the other 5% of the time.

I mean, how could it not be? The weather's great, the girls are hot, the bars are plentiful and the football program is a fucking bloodthirsty monster bent on dominating their opponents and then impregnating their opponents girlfriends afterwards (except Tebow...though he will help with delivery of the child if need be).

In case you forgot, the Gators return their entire two deep on defense and most of the offense from last year's National Champion. As you can imagine, two-a-days can't get here soon enough for me or anybody else within the Gator Nation. Fortunately for all us, there's youtube highlight packages. Hey, the music might suck but I'd listen to Rick Astley over Gator highlights if they were good enough.

"Lethargy" is my middle name

Despite a spirited cyber-discussion of ideas amongst the G:TB wonks at our weekly meeting, there is little content to offer the tens of readers of this wit-starved niche of the information superhighway. There was talk of a baseball post, a YouTube clip and a mustache-themed post, but that talk has faded. Quickly.

If you all are looking for a scapegoat, I nominate Mark, the Assistant to the Regional Manager of G:TB. You can e-mail him here:

Have a nice weekend, fockers.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

"Subtlety" is his middle name

So, I'm flipping by MTV2 yesterday, and some sort of show called "Sucker Free" is showing rap videos. I pause for a moment, for obvious reasons, and then start to actually listen to the lyrics...there might not be a more entertaining song/video combination on the air right now than this:

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

All-Star Memories

Continuing our baseball/filler theme on the morning before the 2009 All-Star Game, my favorite childhood All-Star memory:

Dave Parker was a bad, bad man. In 1979, he and Willie Stargell (among others) took a break from leading the 'We Are Family' Pirates to the World Series title to show the American League just how bad.

Parker drove in a run in the 2nd inning on a sacrifice fly, but he won the MVP in the '79 Midsummer's Classic on the strength of his awesome right arm. With the AL leading, 6-5, in the bottom of the 7th, Jim Rice doubled to deep right. Parker retrieved the ball and gunned Rice at third to blunt a rally.

Then, after the NL tied the game in the bottom of the 7th, California Angel Brian Downing led off the following inning with a single. Downing was sacrified to second, Reggie Jackson was intentionally walked, and Bruce Sutter struck out Bobby Grich to bring Graig Nettles to the plate (a mere 9 months after Nettles' caught Carl Yastrzemski's pop-up for the final out of the 1978 AL East playoff - not that I'm scarred, or anything). Nettles blooped a single to right, in front of the charging Parker.

The Cobra, as Parker was nicknamed (which remains to this day one of the great badass monikers in sports), fielded the ball cleanly and unleashed one of the most jawdropping throws in memory, hitting catcher Gary Carter in the chest. Carter held on to the ball as the burly Downing crashed into him, ending the inning and preserving the tie. The NL plated a run in the top of the 9th to win, 7-6.

And then Parker and Keith Hernandez went out and scored some top-quality blow.

Monday, July 13, 2009

America's Worst

Apologies in advance for the lack of material this week on G:TB. We're spending the entire time celebrating Dennis' birthday. And frankly, our output is mediocre on a good day.

We will leave you with a thought regarding the firing of Nationals manager Manny Acta, upon which we'll expand at some later date (shortly after the conclusion of the Cauc Hop): in the National and the Redskins, the Washington D.C. area is home to two of the worst-run franchises in major professional sports. You could make an argument regarding the Wizards, too, though they've got lots of competition in the NBA.

Acta was destined to be fired - his team simply was not performing at an acceptable level, and they were making mistakes that junior varsity athletes don't make. Last night, Tyler Clippard balked in a run when he tripped while attempting to complete an intentional walk. That's legendarily bad. But Nats' "management" tied Acta's hands from the beginning with a poorly conceived roster and an epically tone-deaf and incompetent organizational structure. The Nats rotation at the moment consists of four rookies and second-year man Jon Lannan - and they're the bright spots on the pitching staff. The stadium staff blows up fireworks before games are over, ran out of beer during the one game I attended, and broke Elton John's piano last night.

I blame Tyler Clippard.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Mange Moi, Randy Newman

Though appearances may indicate otherwise, G:TB's readership is among the more diverse and worldly of any in the genre (the genre, in this case, being niche blogs devoted to facial-hair growing contests, basketball, filler, and self-deprecation). Today we serve that diversity and answer a reader request with a very special Bite Me, Randy Newman.

28 year-old Frenchman Samuel Dumoulin sits in 85th place in the 2009 Tour de France, having climbed steadily through the pack after a dismal time trial in the Tour's first stage. You'd be hard-pressed to see the diminutive Dumoulin in the peloton, though, as he stands a mere 1.59m (like 5'2.5" or so, if my metric to American calculator can be trusted).

Like my father always told me, dynamite comes in small packages (picture below offered with amused irony). Dumoulin's victory in the third stage of the 2008 Tour testifies to Pop's wisdom. As does my incendiary temper.

Dumoulin's most noted for his sprinting acumen, counted on by his Cofidis team to steal a victory or two in 2009. He's also G:TB's new favorite cyclist. Viva le Dumoulin.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

I love seeing a headline like this

"El Nino conditions return to affect weather"

because obviously I get to embed this piece of comedic genius:

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I Am Trying to Break Your Heart

Half of Team G:TB will be at Wolf Trap this evening catching Wilco and Conor Oberst. The other half will at least appreciate the chorus of the song in the following clip: 'Playing KISS covers/beautiful and stoned'.

Remember When Adam Sandler Used to be Funny?

(Sorta not safe for work for most folks)

In honor of the summer and pool season, enjoy this filler from the early 1990's, a time when Adam Sandler was still an up and comer.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Hi. Today's the big day. Jermaine, hit it...

Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherf'ing cows on this motherf'ing highway!

Some more fun with 9-1-1 calls...
JUNEAU - Emergency dispatchers have a tough job. And there's no better example of that than the call from a woman who is furious that deputies won't help her with her cows. When Tammy Nuttelman called 911, she was told her escaped cows weren't an emergency. That's when she called again.

NUTTELMAN: "I got seven ****ing cows out, maybe going to the ***king highway! And you need to let everybody know that there are loose cows out there! They'll probably cause a major ****ing accident, you hear me?"

As tempers rise, the dispatcher stays cool.

DISPATCHER: "Why are you yelling at me?"

NUTTELMAN: "Because I tried to call before and you guys said it wasn't a ****ing emergency, and this is!"

Friday Nuttleman didn't sound anything like the enraged woman heard on the 911 call. Tammy says she was panicked and shouldn't have yelled. "I'm sorry for talking that way to the dispatcher. And I said I'll accept the citation and it won't happen again." On the call, Nuttelman refuses to give even basic information.

DISPATCHER: "You need to give me your date of birth."

NUTTELMAN: "You come and get my date of birth."

A deputy did come to Nuttelman's home near Juneau, to give her a citation for misuse of 911. Pat Ninmann says her dispatchers were very busy when Nuttelman called, "At the time that this lady had called in, was swearing at my dispatchers, my dispatchers were working on an accident, a motorcycle accident with severe injuries." Nuttelman now says she overreacted, "I mean, who doesn't when you call 911?" She says she regrets making that call and she will pay the citation. But she is angry that the sheriff's department has released that call to the public.

Nuttleman says deputies did help her once before when her horse escaped.

Yep, I bet they did, you lunatic.

Monday, July 06, 2009

Hey TJ, how's that OBFT mustache coming in?

Hmmmm, about as well as this...

Friday, July 03, 2009

A Man Who Wears the 10 lbs. of Gold...

You know those cheesy questions that are normally asked of celebrities and athletes on boring talk shows? The ones like "If you could have dinner with 4 people living or dead, who would they be"? Those questions are fucking stupid. I don't want to waste my time talking to Abe Lincoln or Joaquin Andujar over a chicken casserole. That shit is boring.

If I'm going to dip into the black arts in order to hang out with somebody, I'd at least like to tie one on and see if I can't manage to get us into a bar fight. (I mean, imagine all those assholes who include Jesus in their group of four and how aghast they'd be to see JC knocking back shots of Patron and talking to hookers. Do you really want to be in the same category as them? Well do you?). Anyway, if I had a talk show (any day now) the cheesy question I'd ask is What famous person living or dead would you like to get dirty, stinking drunk with? I feel as though you could probably get a better feel for your guest this way, as opposed to beating around the bush and talking about a fucking dinner party. (I'm guessing Rob goes to dinner parties, and I'm hoping he fucking hates them.)

So, since the rest of the G:TB crew are too drunk, lazy or stupid (or all three in TJ's case) to post anything today you're getting a clip of one of my top answers to this question. Ric Fucking Flair.

If I had my druthers, I'd like to go back to the early 80's and get dirty stinking drunk with Ric. Right around the time of his athletic and celebrity apex. Can you honestly tell me that you don't think a night spent boozing with the Nature Boy in a bunch of bars in the deep south wouldn't supply you with enough ridiculous stories to last a lifetime? At minimum you'd get in a fight, vomit, have sex with some random southern girl in the bathroom, shoot or be shot at with a shotgun, vomit again, snuggle up to Arn Anderson's beard, get in another fight and finally end up with your hair feathered before you eventually passed out to the sounds of Flair screaming 'WOOOOOOOO!' and dancing around like some kind of re-tard.

Dusty Rhodes may have been the "American Dream" but its Flair who lived the American Dream. He took his redneck roots and essentially overdid everything about them, thereby creating an entire image and persona that would position him as the king of the rednecks and, eventually, the king of wrestling. If Ric Flair isn't the epitome of what's great about America then I'm moving with Greg to Dubai.

Enjoy your night...and by all means, have too much to drink for Flair's sake.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Mark, what have we told you about calling 9-1-1?

I think Michael Kruse of Jacksonville, FL is G:TB's "Human of the Week" for these stellar performances:
911 caller asks for police escort to rap concert

ST. JOHNS COUNTY, Fla. -- A 20-year-old man has been arrested for misusing 911 after asking police to escort him to a concert in Miami.

Deputies say Michael Kruse of Jacksonville initially called 911 because he felt sick on June 21.

The call went into the 911 call center in St. Johns County.

Kruse's speech was slurred and the dispatcher had difficulty understanding him.

Dispatch: "Are you sure you haven't taken something sir? Because you're not making a whole lot of sense."

Caller: "I've been smoking marijuana."

Dispatch: "You've been smoking marijuana?"

Caller: "Yes."

Dispatch: "Do you want a deputy to come and take you to jail?"

Caller: "Why?"

Dispatch: "You just told me on a taped line you just got done smoking marijuana."

Caller: "Awww. Are you serious?"

Sgt. Chuck Mulligan, spokesman with the St. Johns County Sheriff's Office, said deputies located Kruse, took him to a family member, and gave him a stern lecture about 911.

Hours later on June 22, Kruse called 911 again. This time he was driving on I-95. He told the dispatcher he wanted a police escort to see the rapper, Lil Wayne, in concert in Miami.

Dispatch: "You want a police escort to take you to Miami?"

Caller: "Or, you have a helicopter?"

Dispatch: "We don't just send helicopters up for rappers."

Caller: "Well, I'm driving there right now. I just wanted the fastest way to get there. I didn't want to get pulled over on the highway."

The dispatcher had Kruse pull off the interstate and deputies arrested him for misuse of 911.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

America: Land of the Perm, Home of the Brave

I don't know about you clowns, but when I think of the greatness that is this country, I think of blond perms. And I don't mean the zeros around prety ladies' private parts (though they are great). I think of the great (and underrated) William Katt. You may remember him from his strong supporting role in Carrie. You may rememer him from his fantastic lead performance in the cult favorite Big Wednesday. But you definitely remember him from his claim to fame, the epic sci-fi comedic family action drama thriller, The Greatest American Hero.

The legacy left by William Katt can't be understated. Without his on-screen brilliance and follicular leadership, we probably wouldn't have been able to appreciate the subsequent fro-someness of these two guys...

God Bless America.