Friday, May 27, 2005

My gift to you

Well, that ruined the rest of my day...Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

GTB's "Natty of the Week"

sponsored by Eastern Motors, where your job is your credit. This week GTB recognizes the newest Washington National, 3B Brendan Harris, called up to fill in for the corpse that is Vinny Castilla. First of all, Mr. Harris is a chez whitey, in case you were wondering (he quickly joins Ken Harvey and Peter Bergeron in the confusion club). Secondly, Mr. Harris is a graduate of my alma mater, good ole William and Mary, so it's very exciting to see some Tribe Pride invading RFK. Last but not least, he's a hometown boy, born in Sm-Albany, NY (went to Queensbury High - not a rival of Shaker High).

Full Name: Brendan Michael Harris
Born: 08/26/1980
Birthplace: Albany, NY
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 200
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
College: William & Mary
Favorite Deli: Paul's (ok, I made that one up)
MLB Debut: 07/06/2004

Fantasy word of caution - don't expect Brendan to help your fantasy squad, as the following list shows (I have no idea what the numbers really mean, but you still get the picture):
Troy Glaus - 531
Mark Teixeira - 493
David Wright - 457
Eric Hinske - 437
Brendan Harris - 31

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Apparently he's not busy enough...

Now, I realize John McCain is a very well-respected member of Congress and an American hero to boot, but doesn't he have more important things to do than play Super Steroid Cop?

WASHINGTON, May 24 - Senator John McCain, the Arizona Republican, unveiled the much-anticipated proposal for a Clean Sports Act on Tuesday, the culmination of a series of hearings full of discontent with steroid testing in professional sports. The legislation aims to require standardized testing procedures and stiffer punishments for athletes who test positive for banned substances.
McCain, joined by fellow Republican Congressmen Mark Souder of Indiana and Thomas Davis of Virginia and Democrats Henry A. Waxman of California and Elijah E. Cummings of Maryland, called at a news conference for the four major professional leagues to institute a system at least as tough as the one for the Olympics.

Speaking of steroids, get excited, because Barry Bonds has updated his website again. Unfortunately, I was not one of the lucky Fan Sweepstakes winners for May. Perhaps June will be my month.

Don't forget to add this to your Tivo: "Amber Frey: Witness for the Prosecution"

Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson...Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name...NEW YORK - Burt Reynolds apparently slapped a CBS-TV assistant producer in the face at a New York screening of his new film, "The Longest Yard." The producer, who works for CBS News PATH, approached Reynolds on the red carpet outside a Chelsea theater Tuesday night. When he asked Reynolds to tell him about the film, the actor seemed annoyed.

Derek Broka, get excited, because Jerry Rice is now a Denver Bronco. That means this offseason Mike Shanahan has now signed a roided-out punter, the entire defensive line of the Cleveland Browns, and the G.O.A.T. (oh and how can I forget the drafting of Mo Clarett). Somewhere inside the beltway Danny Snyder is jealous.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Charles Bronson, American Hero

It is so nice to see Brian Austin Green getting work again. In case you're a big BAG fan like me, he can be seen opposite Britney Spears on the new show "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic", Tuesdays, 9pm on your local UPN affiliate.

This fact absolutely amazed me. The NBA had to change the rules for free throws back in the day (say it to yourself like Stephen A. Smith, trust me its high-larious) because Wilt Chamberlain could DUNK FROM THE FOUL LINE. I mean, are you fucking kidding me?
Is Superstation WGN contractually obligated to show a Charles Bronson movie at least once a day?

I think it's time to throw the phrase "thrown under the bus" under the bus...who's with me?

OK, so Shaq didn't exactly dominate as I had predicted...damn Pistons...In other news, do you think it's OK to put Dwayne Wade's Hall of Fame induction speech in the drawer for a little while?

The force is with you young Ticket Taker, but you are not a Jedi yet...SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Authorities say they haven't made any arrests in last night's robbery of a Springfield movie theater.
Springfield police Lieutenant Dave Dodson says a man wearing a Darth Vader mask walked into the Showplace Eight theater around nine-15 p-m last night. He says the man shoved an employee out of the way and grabbed an undetermined amount of cash before running out of the theater and into a nearby wooded area.
No weapons were displayed.

Read that last sentence again. Do you get the feeling they were hoping for a light saber?
Afternoon Update: If you thought the above was bad, look at these fucking morons...
Two Star Wars fans are in a critical condition in hospital after apparently trying to make light sabres by filling fluorescent light tubes with petrol. A man, aged 20, and a girl of 17 are believed to have been filming a mock duel when they poured fuel into two glass tubes and lit it. The pair were rushed to hospital after one of the devices exploded in woodland at Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire.

This is what happens when you're a 900 year old lefty specialist...Twins left-hander Terry Mulholland was hurt by the end of a feather sticking out of his pillow when he rolled over in bed at the team hotel.

If only he could throw out baserunners they way he throws out compliments...Mike Piazza broke away from the Mets' pregame stretch when he saw conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh in the front row of the stands. Limbaugh signed a baseball for Piazza's brother, Vincent, who is the head of the Republican Party in Montgomery County, Pa.
"It was like meeting American royalty," gushed Piazza, who compared meeting Limbaugh to meeting George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, General Douglas MacArthur and the Pope.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Monday Morning Drivel

The Pennsylvania Turnpike can suck my balls.

EMF's "Unbelievable" or OMC's "How Bizarre"?

I guess I could question what the hell Dusty Baker was doing yesterday sending Mark Prior back out in the 9th, but instead let's aim the spotlight on one of Prior's rotation mates (and an important staple of my fantasy team) - Carlos Zambrano. Apparently, Carlos likes the email machine, and I'm gonna guess the naked lady websites as well, because the Cubs have had to ask Zambrano to cut back on his computer time for fear it may be playing a role in his tennis elbow. Come on Carlos, how about a little restraint.

If you haven't seen Bobby Abreu's ex, former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, having sex on a Spanish TV show with some random gringo, ENJOY.

Hey, good news for Mitch Albom - the Detroit Free Press found no evidence of Albom writing other columns before the event actually happened (I'm so proud of him). The bad news for Mitch - the paper found he lifted quotes from other publications without attribution, in some cases embellishing the quotes (hell, they should hire me, I can do that). Best part of this whole ordeal - Albom actually lifted a quote from world-renowned truth-teller Jayson Blair at one point.

Michael Jackson's attorneys were expected to call comedians Jay Leno and Chris Tucker to the stand this week. That's the joke.

Oh yeah, Dennis, let us know you're alive out there, will ya.

This is too good for the Comments section..."It is official. Steve Spurrier wants his South Carolina offense to forever be called Cock ’n’ Fire. He recently revealed the offense’s nickname during a gathering of his assistant coaches and football personnel."

Friday, May 20, 2005

Boom! Reggie Miller

Hello again to the O.C. I have been a deadbeat fan for much of this season, but after last night, I am all in again. I hope the Cohens and the Coopers can forgive me. Thank god Fox has nothing else to air this summer but reruns.

Oh yeah, farewell to Reggie Miller, who got a terrific ovation from the fans last night and a not-too-often-seen display of respect from the opposing team and coach in his final game. Classy move by nomad Larry Brown and the Pistons last night. I had no problem with that.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Pop Tarts...Delicious and Nutritious

That commercial with Darth Vader and the Burger "King" is just plain weird. Much more weird than the bumps on Adult Swim.

What the hell has gotten into Billy Hunter? It's like Louis Farrakhan is now the head of the NBA Players Association.

The Dannon Frusion Smoothie sounds like the most disgusting drink/food created in a long time. No way will I "trade in my breakfast for a Dannon Frusion Smoothie".

Barry Bonds, meet Karma. Karma, Barry Bonds. (And where was Pedro Gomez to report this story? Did Jayson Stark hit him with a steel chair so he could report it first? I mean, Pedro has one job this year - let's pick it up buddy)

Right now, somewhere in America, a 45 year old guy in full Obi-Wan Kenobi apparel is stuffing his face with popcorn and having the time of his life. Literally. Today is this guy's best day ever.

Amare Stoudemire scored every one of his points on dunks, lay ups, or free throws last night.

I read yesterday that Kevin Smith will be making Clerks 2 this year. I am not sure what to make of that, though the subtitle is "The Passion of the Clerks", which made me sort of laugh.

And finally, thank god for good ole American ingenuity...ASPEN, Colo. - A new business called Toasty Chicks Delivery hopes to profit from an invasion of construction workers this summer by having women in snug T-shirts drop off lunches from area restaurants. Toasty Chicks will take food orders, relay them to the restaurant of choice, pick up the food and deliver it to the work site, founder and owner Rodney Millspaugh said.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Most of these guys never had a prime...this guy here is dead

GTB TWIB Notes (with all due respect to Mel Allen)

Last night was by far the best seats I have ever had, 7 rows behind home plate, with a pre-game buffet and complimentary ballpark fare throughout the game, served by the best waiters and waitresses I have ever seen (wink, wink, nod, nod). Too bad the Nationals decided not to show up. Brady Clark hit the first pitch of the night a very long way, setting the tone for the whupping. Claudio Vargas of the Nats assured himself of another stint in the minors, allowing 6 runs and getting 4 outs. When Tomo Ohka has to save your ass, pack your bags kid. Some donkey named Wes Obermueller of the Brewers sat down the first 19 Nats he faced before Jamey Carroll ruined his perfect game in the 7th, drawing the only noticeable cheer of the night from an announced crowd of 26,000 that looked more like 13,000. Who cares though – have I mentioned how money these seats were? Even Boo Radley sitting next to the Future Missus and mumbling to himself all night couldn’t ruin these seats.

I pondered naming this post “Derrek Lee is fucking awesome”, because honestly, he is. Could you imagine how bad it would be for the Cubbies if not for D Lee? Last night, Lee went 4 for 4 with two homers and drove in all of the Cubs' runs in a 4-3 win over the Pirates. Plus he’s carrying my fantasy team, which is nice.

“Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip” - The Cubs have signed 80 year old infielder Enrique Wilson to a one-year contract. Don’t the Cubs already have Neifi Perez and Jose Macias? Aren’t these all the same guy?

Best name in the minors, Tagg Bozied, a 1B in the Padres system.

Mike Lupica is mailing it in this morning, writing the Clemens to the Yankees story, the first of what I assume will be 100 more columns like it in the next 6 weeks. Mitch Albom has written a column saying Clemens is already a Yankee because the usher in Section 104 told him it will happen.

A heads up to the folks tallying the MLB All-Star ballots – Larry Bigbie (#3) is going to get one vote. You can blame the young lady sitting to my left last night. Oh yeah, Calvin Pickering will be getting one vote as well, and for that I take full responsibility.

The Yankees (and to a lesser extent the Red Sox) have lobbied the Commissioner’s office to play the A’s and Mariners the rest of the season.

This has nothing to do with baseball, but only 1 day left until Episode III debuts. In honor of this historic moment, I leave you with this Star Wars link, perhaps the funniest Conan O’Brien segment of all time.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see...

...I got a jungle fever of a hundred and three...Former Kentucky star Rex Chapman told a newspaper that school officials tried to stop him from dating black women or at least "hide it" rather than inflame fans.
"There were certain aspects of my time there that were really ugly," Chapman, who is white, said in a story published by The Courier-Journal on Monday. "I don't know how it is today, but that's how it was 20 years ago."

SG's cartoon was a bad enough idea. Now ESPN thinks it's wise to have a cartoon called "Off-Mikes" starring Golic and Greenberg? Who is piloting this ship?

The Yankees have now won 9 in a row to top .500. They're 5 games back of the Orioles, 2.5 back of the Red Sox. This is much much better than 2 weeks ago. And the Washington Nationals continue to surprise at 21-17. I don't think I'm the only guy who thought they would be in a freefall by mid-May. Last week I told Butt their anemic offense was gonna kill them. Well, they are 6th in OBP and SLG, and 5th in OPS, so that hasn't been a problem yet. Proving once again I know nothing. Go Nats.

I like what the University of Cincinnati did yesterday with Bobby Huggins, deciding not to extend his contract and making him fulfill the next two years of his deal before deciding to retain him. I've never been a big fan of Bob (though I did love his star pupil Nicky Van Poo Poo) and I like Cincy giving themselves the flexibility to move on if Huggins underperforms on the court (or to a lesser extent, if he has anymore off the court issues). After all, this is a program that just a few years ago got hit with NCAA sanctions for having a "lack of institutional control" over it's basketball program, so it's not like they're leaving Coach K hanging, just jackass Bob Huggins.

Um, yeah, I was just hitting the men's room (and the amazing waterless urinals) after 3 morning cups of java, when I realized the ole fly has possibly been down all morning. Wouldn't normally be a problem if I was hiding in my cube, Milton-style, listening to my radio at a reasonable volume. Unfortunately, I've been out and about, chatting it up like a good NewGuy, discussing my powerful Cherry Garcia tie, so it's possible boxers have been poking out all morning long. Hopefully the electric blue tie was very distracting.

Best name in the upcoming NBA Draft? That's easy. It's Martynas Andriuskevicius, a 7'3" Lithuanian who probably gives Chad Ford major wood. I mean, look at that guy's name again. It makes Pavel Podkolzine look like Joe Smith. This guy might go Top 5, and here's one scout's take: "His body is just so frail." Awesome.

Monday, May 16, 2005

What a difference a week makes...

And I'm not just talking about the Yankees righting the ship against AL donkeys Oakland and Seattle, taking 8 in a row so far. I have 50 emails to sift through, but can we discuss this Onterrio Smith thing for a second? The device is called the Original Whizzinator ? Really? And Onterrio is just carrying it for his cousin? A revelation like this simply makes me believe the Original AnalBib is a viable product in the marketplace. Now if I could only get the right spokesperson...

Afternoon update: Man I love this new gig. Thanks to some damn nice work tickets, I will be headed back to RFK tomorrow to see those powerful Brewers of Milwaukee face our hometown nine. I'm looking to push my record at Nats games to 4-1 with the appearance.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Quick question

Am I missing something, or is 1998 again in the City That Never Sleeps? Tino Martinez hitting bomb after bomb for a hot Yankees team, and John Rocker managing to insult the entire universe by opening his mouth...

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Live Look-In

I've got 5 minutes, I found a computer, and I have nothing to share. Sweet. Dennis (or Whitney or Rob) - perhaps you should drop some knowledge on our readers while I wander the Marriott Wardman Park the next few days. I did see the Yankees have won 4 in a row - thank god the A's and Mariners are atrocious. Also, did I hear David Aldridge correctly last night? Some of the Wiz want Kwame The Terrible reinstated? You have gotta be kidding me. If Ernie Grunfeld even ponders this...

Monday, May 09, 2005

An Embarrassment of Bitches

I am referring of course to the results of Saturday night's Game 7s. I am willing to bet there have never been two worse performances in Game 7s than what I witnessed between 7pm and Midnight Saturday night. The Boston Celtics, who were playing AT HOME, lost the nail-biter of the night by 27. Fred Jones took them to task. Isn't this the same Fred Jones who played third fiddle to two crunchy granola white kids at Oregon, the Luke Boys, Ridnour and Jackson? Then, in an apparent effort not to be upstaged by the bloody mess that was the Celtics, the Rockets go out and lose by 40. I think that says it all. This is what these guys could muster for a Game 7? Unfuckingbelievable. The only positive development on Saturday was my 106 (and my playing partner's 79), which was just enough for us to win a dinner. Plus, I managed not to kill anyone with a tee shot. And I got a nice sunburn for the effort as well.

[Editor's note: I was pretty sure the Yankees were going to be part of the above post, but then miracle of miracles, they actually won both games this weekend, including yesterday when the anti-christ Kevin Brown took the hill.]

Friday, May 06, 2005

GTB presents "The Week of the Bama"

As sands through the hourglass, so go the Bamas of our lives. My god, there have been some donkey performances this week. Where do we begin?

Paul Pierce - What the fuck was he doing last night?? Take the foul, make the free throws, and be happy to escape Conseco Fieldhouse with a W in Game 6. Do not overreact and throw a forearm shiver because you didn't like getting smacked in the face (and yes, there was definitely some flop thrown in by Tinsley). That game was the most entertaining, frustrating, exciting, brutal...hell, I'll let Doc Rivers take a shot at describing it: "That is the craziest ... game I've ever seen in my life". I hate to admit it, because he belongs on this list most nights, but 'Toine saved them again. Of course, if the refs ever called a travel, Walker would never get a shot off in the low post, but hey, it's the NBA. Game 7, tomorrow night, 7pm. This is gonna be good.

Kellen Winslow Jr. - Man, I feel for Johnny G, blapanese superstar softball player and Browns diehard. I don't get it, was Winslow psyched after watching Biker Boyz on Showtime and wanted to impress his posse? I thought only kids trying to get their license drive around a parking lot going 35 mph? When are guys gonna learn that riding a motorcycle is detrimental to their health? (heeeeeello, Jason Williams??? Jeff Kent???) Winslow looks to be out for the entire season...his dad must be so proud.

The Runaway Bride and her fiance John Mason - She's a lunatic, finally snapped, and took a bus to Albuquerque (what is she, Bugs Bunny?). He goes on the god awful Sean Hannity show and says he's gonna take her back. Moron. May these two idiotic lovebirds fade away quickly, because I can't take anymore.
UPDATE: This is why I love the New York Post. Read the article. I will simply tell you the title is "Chaste-y Retreat."

Jeff Van Gundy - OK JVG, the Commish wants you in a body bag, and you're not a very attractive man. However, those points aside, your team has just forced a Game 7, after a stellar Game 6 from T-Mac. Even the corpse of Dikembe Mutombo produced last night (10 boards, 4 blocks, 1 bottle of lotion). Game 7, tomorrow night, 9:30pm, the back end of what should be a great playoff doubleheader.

The entire 25-man roster of the New York Yankees - Hey assholes, you're in last place, tied now with the Devil Rays, who just took 3 straight from you. Alex "Dirty" Sanchez, of all people, made you his bitch last night. 11-18, in the AL East cellar, and no sign of breaking through. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but if shit continues at this pace the next 4 weeks, the Bronx Zoo will be returning full force (Gammons says they have until Memorial Day, and Gammons is God). Bonus Bama - Kevin Brown. No explanation required.

Kwame Brown - Not to beat a dead horse, but man oh man Kwame you are a donkey. The immaturity and poor decision-making have cost him a chance to be a part of the most exciting Wizards basketball run in 20 years (yes, it was a Bullets run back then, but you get the point). I am very curious to see where he ends up next year. Portland anyone?

Barry Bonds - Barry is on this list because he simply annoys the hell out of me. There are more conspiracy theories surrounding Bonds' surgeries and rehab than the NBA playoffs and referees. Plus, I thought I got a steal in my fantasy draft taking Bonds for 10 bucks, but he's really screwing me with his repeated trips to Dr. Giggles and extended rehab. Speaking of his doctor, Arthur J. Ting, he's been reprimanded twice by the CA Medical Board and is currently on probation for unprofessional conduct. Sounds about right.

Don't forget, 8pm tonight, just blocks from GTB's homebase, the Washington Wizards attempt to make the 2nd round of the playoffs for the first time since 1982. The stars of that team: Greg Ballard, Jeff Ruland, and Spencer Haywood. Woooooooooow. Go Wiz (and put a hand in Pargo's face please).

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Cinco de Mayo anyone?

As if I wasn't excited enough already (yes, that's right folks, I like the Star Wars franchise AND the Star Trek franchise), apparently some critics are describing the new Star Wars film as a "bloodbath". Fantastic. The viewing public deserves this after having to survive Jar Jar Binks. I might hate that guy more than Kevin Brown. Nah, not possible.

For all you music enthusiasts out there, have I got a CD for you. Your favorite MLB players can be heard on a new charity CD called Oh Say Can You Sing? Highlights include Jeff Conine destroying Stone Temple Pilot's Plush, Sean Casey killing Toby Keith's How Do You Like Me Now? and the Indians' Ben Broussard brutalizing the U2 classic With or Without You.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have already been dubbed "TomKat" by the media. I will now go chug a bottle of bleach.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

[Insert Title Stolen From Wheelhouse]

Well, it's safe to say the Kwame Brown Era in DC is over. Kwame managed to make the front page of the Washington Post, and has not one, not two, but three columns written about him and his time here in Chocolate City. The final straw was apparently a profanity-laced tirade directed at Eddie Jordan prior to practice yesterday. Kwame Brown might blossom in another NBA locale, but as of today, he is the worst #1 pick in NBA history. Michael Jordan drafted him, then along with Doug Collins, they ruined him. The kid was 18, mentally and physically frail (despite the chiseled physique, the jump from dunking on Wes Wilson to banging with Charles Oakley is a BIG jump), and he couldn't handle 1/100th of the pressure of the NBA. Collins even made the kid break out in acne from the stress. Just a disaster. Kwame, we fare thee well (LaRue Martin's on Line 1).

Paula Abdul, pop icon, lunatic, and lover of American Idol contestants? ABC plans to air a story tonight claiming just that - if this is true, I hope Abdul has a historic meltdown on next week's Idol (The contestant, Corey Clark, claims Abdul coached him, dressed him, groomed him...and bedded him). Each time I see her, she seems to be struggling just to spit out sentences (the only person more drunk then her on a Tuesday night is Butt), and I am waiting for the week where Simon just hits her in the back of the head with a folding chair.

Whatever happened to Pop-Up Video? You telling me VH1 couldn't fit in an episode or two between Strange Love marathons? And speaking of VH1 programming, catch the Vanilla Ice Remaking show. Rob Van Winkle apparently wasn't aware of the title of the show, because he would rather have dogs rip off his nuts than change anything. Word to your mother Ice.

Speaking of disasters, how about my New York Yankees? Here's what they pulled out of their bag of tricks in the last week:
-Promoted Everybody Wang Chung Tonight from Triple AAA
-Promoted 2B prospect Robinson Cano
-Moved Tony Womack to Left Field (mind you, he's never played LF in his life)
-Moved Hideki Matsui to Center Field
-Left Bernie Williams scratching himself in the dugout
Since no athlete has killed anyone lately, or got caught with their hand in the steroids jar (Juan Rincon does not count), this Yankees team and their current struggles are smack dab in the middle of the sports media cycle. Most of it is justified, as no team paying it's players 200 million dollars should be struggling this bad, but it is a tad bit over the top. Let's give it a little more time people. Now, that being said, let me give a nominee for May's Most Hated Brother (remember, April was Peter Angelos) - Kevin Brown, step right up. I hate this guy so very very much. Honestly, he should be released. I would rather have Swint throw to big league hitters than send Brown back out to the mound (not a good day for the surname Brown).

I would pay alot of money to see Jeff Van Gundy and David Stern settle all differences dressed in those giant sumo suits you see at the County Fair.

Happy Birthday Lance Bass. I hope you get my card.

Just wanted to mention this - Jason Michaels and Pat Burrell, currently teammates on the Philadelphia Phillies, both went to the University of Miami. At the same time. And were college roommates. Again, just wanted to share this interesting nugget with you, the loyal reader.

Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma...More than 40 residents of a Cleveland County nursing home are being relocated after numerous violations prompted regulators to shut down the facility. Among the violations at the Noble Residential Care Home were rodent droppings, urine on kitchen plates and bowls and cockroaches "too numerous to count'' crawling on a resident's clothes and beds.

Let's end this baby in style. I will be tuning into this show, no doubt...Britney Spears and hubby Kevin Federline's new reality series now has a title: "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic." Featuring what UPN bills as "exclusive, never-before-seen private home videos they shot themselves during their courtship, engagement and wedding," the six-episode series will premiere with a special one-hour episode May 17 (9 p.m. ET). A video clip is available on UPN's Web site. Spears, 23, announced last month that she is pregnant with the couple's first child. Spears and Federline were married in September.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Sunday School

Begin with a 2-foot kick-in for my first birdie of the year . . . which the missus wouldn't concede and I proceeded to botch. Lesson learned: If you want to lie and tell your boys you had a good round of golf, make sure your wife isn't playing with you. Move to a nice relaxing afternoon viewing of the film, Hotel Rwanda. Lesson learned here: You are a shitty, shitty Western white man. Give all of your 2005 salary to Amnesty International and the Red Cross. Oh, and don't kill people no matter how much you hate them - it's bad. They said so in the movie.

Ah, the nightcap . . . "Family Guy" is some show. Nice to see it back in action. That talking baby kills me every time. Doesn't matter what he says or does. And the pinnochio bit, the "time I forgot how to sit down" bit . . . foof. Couldn't get better. Oh wait, turn the channel, and there's Rosie O'Donnell playing a special (like, Greg Maddux special) woman on a CBS original drama (comedy). Jesus tits, now that's good stuff. Sweet dreams, Dennis.