Friday, August 25, 2006

How did I not know about this?

San Diego Padres pitcher Jake Peavy is legally blind without contact lenses? Really? That is ridiculous. A major league pitcher is blind as a bat without his contacts? It's going to be pretty hard to criticize Jake in the future...I'll just assume he gave up that game winning gopher ball because he got dirt in his contact and couldn't see the pitcher's sign...or the batter. How the hell hasn't he drilled a guy in the head yet? (maybe he has...I don't even think retrosheet can help me there) So far this year Jake is a pedestrian 7-12 with a 4.35 ERA for the Pads...but hell, the guy's blind, so that's pretty damn good if you ask me.

I am too hungover to type

Update: This is how good I feel...

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Kuselias Smash!

This is the kind of post you get when me, Geoff and Whitney have lunch at the Dubliner. As I settle in for a delicious French Dip and tater tots, I gaze up at the TV to see a stirring Cold Pizza debate between Woody Paige and Eric Kuselias (apparently Skip Bayless was needed back in Hell). You might know Kuselias as the terribly annoying fill-in host on Mike and Mike in the Morning (or, if you're lucky, you have no clue who this no talent ass clown is). Anyway, I look at Kuselias and realize immediately who he looks like...Lou Ferigno, yes, the Incredible Hulk. I'm telling you, I'm not crazy, check it out:

Special Bonus: I have obtained footage of what happened when Mike Golic dared to upset Kuselias on last Friday's show...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies presents...

While I'm sure the interweb will be inundated with instant analysis of the bloodletting that just occurred in Boston (someone make sure Jim Caple and Bill Simmons are still alive), I thought I'd avoid having to actually come up with any creative prose and just let the clip above do the recap for me. Wanna take a guess which guy is the Red Sox?

Friday, August 18, 2006

What, Me Worry?

GTB's "Separated at Birth" segment continues on this fine Friday morning with...drumroll please...Orioles OF/2B Brandon Fahey and Mad Magazine icon Alfred E. Neuman. For those of you who aren't wasting every waking moment of your day checking your American League-only fantasy baseball squad, young Mr. Fahey is a respectable utility player on the soon-to-be-cellar-dwelling Orioles. Baltimore manager Sam Perlozzo has said he likes him for his "attitude-camaraderie type thing" (Sam is no wordsmith). Alfred is of course the brainchild behing "Spy vs. Spy" and the always entertaining "The Lighter Side of..." Dr. Phil is hoping to reunite these two next week.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Imitation: The sincerest form of flattery, or the lamest attempt to pull together a post ever?

The Setup Guy

I. Ray of Hope
For the second night in a row, the Yankees were unable to figure out a young Orioles left-hander, losing 3-2 at the Stadium to Adam Loewen (5.2 IP, 2 ER, 5Ks). Loewen has now beaten NY twice in the last month. Despite Sam Perlozzo's best attempt to throw this game away (I mean, does he watch LaTroy Hawkins pitch?), Orioles closer Chris Ray saved his ass by earning a 2 inning save, giving him 28 on the year. For all you O's fans out there, at least you can root for Bedard, Loewen, Ray and Markakis (Nicky hit a HR last night). The rest of the bunch, not so much. Have I mentioned Peter Angelos sucks balls? The Yankees lead in the AL East is now down to two games...but Octavio Dotel seems healthy, which is nice. Does this mean we can end the Ponson in Pinstripes Era?

II. It's the Spanish Kramer vs. Kramer
The battle for NL Central supremacy was won by the Reds' Edwin Encarnacion last night, as he connected for 2 long balls and 4 RBI in the Reds 7-2 win over the Cardinals. Redbird Juan Encarnacion did nothing to help his team, taking an 0-4 and leaving 2 guys on base. This entire season the Reds pitching staff has been mocked, but all you need to do is look across the field and see the chumps the Cards are running out to realize St. Louis might not only lose the NL Central, they might miss the playoffs altogether (As Bill Walton might say, Jason Marquis is HORRRIBLE). By the way, Cornrow Arroyo finally earned his 10th win of the season...on his 11th try.

III. I really thought they were finishing 47-1
When I saw the Dodgers lost yesterday, I was genuinely shocked. With the level of competition in the NL (the West division in particular) being so suspect, I was pretty sure L.A. wasn't losing another game for the rest of the year. Miguel Cabrera homered twice and drove in five for the Marlins in the 15-4 rout, Cody Ross thanked his former team by driving in four and Jeffrey Loria managed to not fire Joe Girardi for yet another game (Loria is a close second to Angelos as my least favorite owner in baseball...just thought you'd want to know). By the way, the Marlins are only 6 back in the NL wild card race and just might be clueless enough to make this interesting. Apropo of nothing...Dan Uggla!

Mr. Leyland, please take the Marlboro out of your mouth and put up the four fingers. I realize the autistic guy hitting behind David Ortiz can do some damage as well, but you simply cannot pitch to him...ever. The Red Sox managed to avoid a sweep at the hands of the Tigers last night, winning at Fenway 6-4. David Wells got the win, Ortiz of course homered at a crucial time and Coco Crisp even got involved from the leadoff spot. And I'm not one to point any fingers, but that Pudge Rodriguez fella looks like he's auditioning for the Grand Rapids summer stock production of Philadelphia. Can we at least all agree to stop calling him Pudge?

V. 18 innings will do that to you
The only thing missing from the Cubs/Astros 18 inning affair Tuesday night were Cesar Cedeno, Bob Watson and the Bears (sorry to sound like Mr. Simmons there). Michael Barrett, who won the game with his sixth inning homer, is having a tremendous year, hitting .325 for hapless Chicago (not too shabby for a catcher not named Mauer). The good news for the Astros in their 1-0 loss to the Cubbies: Brad Lidge didn't blow a save. The bad news: the 'Stros score runs about as often as this girl eats. Amazingly, the Cubs are 35-27 against their division...and a brutal 17-41 against everyone else.

[Any resemblance to Deadspin's "The Closer" segment is completely long as coincidental still means "intentional and shameless"]

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

"You guys think you're above the law...well you ain't above mine!"**

In light of the Wizards decision not to match the Knicks asinine contract offer to Jared Jeffries, it looks like Isiah has added yet another faceless Small Forward to his roster (this according to several depth charts I found on the interweb, and yes, I know it seems odd a 6'11" guy is listed at SF). Isiah seems to think having five of the same exact guy is a good policy...kinda reminds me of a certain actor who made a career out of playing the exact same emotionless, ponytailed drone in every movie (with the added bonus he kicked ass with a pot belly). We here at GTB (how quick is Whitney backpedaling away from this post?) thought we would do these Knicks SFs a favor and give them a little personality by attaching them to Mr. Seagal's best roles:

Jalen Rose (6'8", 215) - Absolutely the Nico Toscani (Above the Law) of this group. Jalen's the oldest and wisest of the boys, he's made the most noise in his career, and I'm betting he's kicked the most ass (statistically and perhaps literally as well). Much like Jalen, Nico emerged first, a bright star in his field (the field being generic Chicago/NY cop/detective) to run like a freaking girl for miles despite the pot belly AND break people's arms in an extremely cool fashion (seriously, when you first saw that move, you were blown away...admit it). Above the Law was easily Seagal's best work, and I think Jalen deserves this...after all he's stuck on the fucking Knicks. Plus, I sensed a real Nico/Zagon animosity between Jalen and Larry Brown.

Quentin Richardson (6'6", 230) - Gotta be Hard to Kill's Mason Storm...mainly because I think Quentin's been in a coma his whole career. Bonus points here because Storm is described on IMDB as a "go it alone cop" and I'm pretty sure Q is one of the most shameless gunners the NBA's ever seen (though he does has stiff competition from two of his teammates).

Qyntel Woods (6'8", 220) - Resident headcase and avid dog lover, Qyntel is perfectly cast as John Hatcher (Marked for Death). You remember, the movie where Seagal has to stop a Jamaican drug ring from ruining he and Keith David's neighborhood (this was during the time when Jamaican drug lords were THE bad guys in Hollywood). You telling me Qyntel wouldn't jump at the chance to visit Jamaica and kill Screwface in his extremely smoky lair?

Renaldo Balkman (6'8", 208) - A forgotten Seagal classic, Seagal plays NYPD detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Isiah's improbable 2006 first round pick is being forced into this role by me...mainly because I was running out of decent Seagal flicks and couldn't make fun of Knick SFs without mention of this soon-to-be epic disaster. Plus, I'm not sure which name is funnier, Renaldo Balkman or Gino Felino?

Jared Jeffries (6'11", 240) - The latest addition to the overcrowded SF collection, I'm letting Jared have the role of Under Siege ass-kicker Casey Ryback, though I'm pretty sure Gary Busey would kick Jared's ass. Is anyone else up for pushing "Dark Territory"as Jeffries nickname? (not to be confused with Charlie Murphy's nickname "Darkness")

**I cannot confirm this, but it is rumored GTB and Wheelhouse visitor "Mayhugh" often yells this at random people throughout the workday. His secretary Frieda has not returned our calls.

Monday, August 07, 2006

"Can I get an AMEN from the bobbleheads?"

Special thanks to Dennis for the newest bobblehead in the GTB collection, Mr. Jhonny Peralta of the Cleveland Indians (sadly, Michael was hosed and did not receive a free souvenir bobblehead from the friendly Indians employee working the gates). Jhonny* (not a typo, the "h" is actually in the right spot) joins Khalil Greene and Darrell Green in the most diverse and useless bobblehead collection around...

*According to Wikipedia, the unusual spelling of Jhonny's first name can be attributed to a clerical error on his birth certificate. A clerical error he refuses to have changed.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Do Not Pitch to this Man...Ever

"Now that I have kids, I feel a lot better having a gun in the house..."