Tuesday, July 16, 2013

You've Got to Have Money (To Have a Midlife Crisis)

A friend of mine recently bought a triathlon bike that cost over three thousand dollars. I was impressed by the expenditure, but relatively speaking, it's pretty cheap for a midlife purchase. In fact, his wife had absolutely no problem with the amount he spent (though she did claim that "nothing on earth has less purpose than a forty year old man.") Sarcasm aside, triathlons will keep you in shape, and they are far safer than motocross. As far as midlife crises go, buying a nice bicycle is pretty tame.


Now a cigarette boat or a high-performance car is going to run quite a bit more than a high-end bicycle, and there's more inherent danger. None of my middle-aged friends have made a purchase this bold. And it's not that I don't think they're capable of it, I just don't think they have the money. Sadly, the archetypal male midlife purchase is going the way of the dinosaur. Why? You could blame it on the weak economy and the collapse of the housing market. Or you could attribute it to changing gender roles. Women are often the main breadwinners of the family, or at least pulling in equal pay. And women don't covet cigarette boats. Perhaps people aren't as ostentatious about their materialism these days. And, of course, there's the rising cost of college. It's hard to buy a dune-buggy when you've only saved .1% of your children's tuition. These are rough times for expensive impulse buys that demonstrate machismo.

There are still wonderful stories of midlife excess from people who have money to burn.  James Hetfield took a  vodka-clouded bear hunting trip to Siberia. He missed his son's first birthday party. Whoops! But most of the guys I know buy a Bose bluetooth speaker or some high-end tequila and call it a day.

And then there's the final level, which is really expensive. I'm talking mistress level midlife crisis. Very few folks in my crowd have the balls and wherewithal of Roger Sterling. I don't know a single dude who puts up a "gumad" in a city apartment, so she's always at his disposal. Where have all the good times gone?


I labor over any purchase, so this is purely hypothetical . . . but if I were to do it, I think I would go with something fairly cliche. A motorcycle, chopper style. This is not going to happen, of course, since I live in central New Jersey, and riding a motorcycle on the roads I travel is akin to suicide, but if I lived out West and a rich aunt left me some money, I imagine I'd spend it on something like this:


I doubt I could handle the motorcycle and I certainly couldn't handle the accessory, but a man has to dream.

I learned something vaguely related to this theme recently from some colleagues. It seems -- and this is a total generalization based on anecdotal evidence -- that people around my age (43) don't have college debt. People a few years younger do. These people with college debt are from middle class families -- just like mine-- but they missed the cut-off (just as many of us missed the cut-off for good pensions, cheap land, strong unions, collective bargaining and early retirement). This cohort is definitely not going to make any crazy purchases when they hit middle age, because when they finally get out of debt, they'll need the money for a house, a new car, or home improvements. This is the new middle class. Doesn't seem fair, but, course, there's more than two billion people living on two dollars a day, so it's hard to complain that you can't get that jet-pack you've always wanted.



All this depressing stuff may sound like ridiculous fodder for a song, but The Moving Rocks are always up for a challenge. Enough introduction, it's time for some music:




You've Got to Have Money (To Have A Midlife Crisis)

You wake up most mornings, feeling lost.
You cannot lose those stubborn thoughts.

But you woke up this morning, feeling found.
You could not wait to get your feet on the ground.

You woke up this morning, with an idea.
Buy a motorcycle and ride out of here.
Buy a motorcycle and ride on out of here.

But it's not that kind of song.
If you think so, then you're so fucking wrong.

Because you've got to have money to have
a midlife crisis. Yes, you've got to have money to have
a midlife crisis.

You've got to have some cash to burn,
the only way a grown man learns.

Wake up most mornings, you feel like dirt.
Put on your pants and go to work.

Maybe someday you'll pay off your loans,
until then you're stuck at home . . .

Because you've got to have money to have
a midlife crisis. Yes, you've got to have money to have
a midlife crisis.

46 comments:

Marls said...

Would you tie the dog to the chopper and make run next to you?

rob said...

i have some college debt left. not a ton, but some. i also have college debt impending.

so i'll probably buy a kayak.

zman said...

We were promised jetpacks!

zman said...

Marls channeled his inner Hammelburg when he crafted that comment.

Dave said...

my chopper and accessory disappeared!

Dave said...

problem solved. apparently the internet has more than several pictures of chopper motorcycles with hot girls perched on them.

TR said...

Nice Hammelburg (Hamelberg?) reference. The five of use here who get it appreciate it.

For those who didn't know him, he was a Korean burnout who grew up in Boston and loved to talk like a party animal. Think about those vocal stylings. Tremendous unintentional comedy with everything he said.

"Dood! Sig Ep rock da pahhhty!"

Marls said...

Faaaaaakk Dood, ju Pi Rams are lame.

zman said...

The mix of Korean and Boston accents was unlike anything I've heard before or since. And he swore more than anyone I've ever met.

Fack dood, Sig Ep pahty bawrs out!

zman said...

And he had a motorcycle. And called everyone dude.

Fack dood, my chawppah get frat ti-ah.

TR said...

This may have come at the most recent Board meeting, but when are we pulling together G:TB: The Body Issue?

T.J. said...

the Hamelberg references have made my day

zman said...

Further to TR's point, I've been growing my armpit hair out expressly for this purpose.

rob said...

i've been cultivating a lovely patch of poison ivy rash.

T.J. said...

The G:TBody issue is going to garner massive page views.

TR said...

...with the chubby chaser gays, an important and underserved demographic.

rob said...

and furries, given zman's underarms and dave's feet

T.J. said...

and Bronies

Dave said...

cat veeted my back a few weeks ago. i have awesome back stubble right now. when do we shoot?

rob said...

usmnt plays costa rica tonight. the winner plays its gold cup quarterfinal in baltimore at 7:00 on sunday. the loser plays its gold cup quarterfinal in baltimore at 4:00 on sunday. is it wrong for me to root against the u.s. because it's more convenient for me to make the 4:00 match on sunday?

zman said...

Ah! To-Kee! Facking dawg bites my rip!

Mark said...

Hammelburg sounds fun.

Mark said...

Of course, I think all guys with asian accents are fun. Especially if they agree to say "I feel sorry for your mother." whenever I ask.

Marls said...

I forgot about Tokey the dog and the lip biting incident. Awesome.

TR said...

One funny element to Hamelbeg (and his friend Ki) was how bummed out they got whenever they ate at the local Mongolian BBQ joint. There was such a shortage of Asians in the area that whenever they ate there, they would be hounded by mgmt to work there.

TR said...

To Rob's comment on the USMNT, tonight's game is on Fox, which means we might get another dose of Gus Johnson, who has been nothing short of putrid covering soccer.

The concept that he will become good at announcing soccer is comical, and insulting to Americans. It's like Fox thinks America will only respond to Johnsonesque schtick.

You all should watch it b/c baseball is unbearably boring.

Mr KQ said...

"Did you see Marls tweet after Harvey hit Cano?" KQ said. "I don't follow Marls" I said. Easy enough I thought - quick twitter search will do it.

https://twitter.com/sherlong1
Did I get the right Marls? (#nsfw)

Marls said...

@kingmankong Mr. KQ. I'm not Klassy.

rob said...

marls *is* a sexy beast

TR said...

Marls' dong has more Twitter followers than me.

zman said...

Ben Kingsley is Marls' stunt double.

rob said...

marls' stunt-dong double?

zman said...

So I went to Marls' alternate twitter handle site. I had no idea you could post stuff like that on twitter. Just another reason I'm glad I don't have a daughter.

zman said...

"The Man With the Iron Fists" is even worse than I thought it would be. The score is predictably good though.

Marls said...

I have a Ghandiesque penis.

zman said...

It wears glasses?

Mr KQ said...

It puts the lotion on its skin.

Clarence said...

Gandhiesque penis. You must spell it right to make it true.

And an eye for for an eye makes the whole world blind, as does rampant masturbation.

Clarence said...

There are awkward dances, there are incredibly awkward dances, and then there is a 72-year-old Jewish guy dancing to a 45-year-old song in the middle of a baseball field while a packed stadium watches.

Mr KQ said...

He takes a bit of a wide stance. Larry Craig approves.

Clarence said...

Tim McCarver on Mariano Rivera: "A man who has never taken any criticism of any kind." I was laughing at the ridiculous fellating of Rivera that Joe Buck was engaged in until McCarver took it to a whole new level. So good. So good. So good.

Clarence said...

Cecil Fielder is in a NYC hotel instead of watching his son play in person because:

a. He is estranged from his son
b. He is estranged from the fans
c. He is a lazy rich guy
d. Can't fit in a stadium seat

T.J. said...

Mark might have something to add on Cecil...

Danimal said...

Hi gheorghies

sports fan said...

well said!

sports news

Semen Rendi said...
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