Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Part I: Blood is Thicker Than a Solution of Water, Urea, and Creatinine, Alternatively Titled "I Realize That I Have Something in Common With Daniel Snyder"

I spent the first 36 years of my life operating under the assumption that I would never have children. I don't like spending time with kids very much and they seem to be a massive financial loss center. My general lack of parental role models coupled with my miserable shrew of a first wife made me feel like I would be doing our offspring a disservice by trying to raise him or her.

But then I met zwoman and realized that being married with children could be a good thing, and it turns out this was the best thing I ever did. I am happier than I've ever been and I love my son beyond words. Indeed, I cannot find the words to explain why I still love him so much (or why I even allow him to continue to live in my house) after the events of last Saturday.

zson enjoys climbing and jumping all over me and I enjoy the roughhousing almost as much as he does. He's only 2 1/2 though, so his toes are very small and the bones inside them are sharp and pointy, with not a lot of meat surrounding them. That is to say, it hurts when he pokes you with his toes.

zson was doing one of his favorite maneuvers: while I sit in our recliner with my feet on the ottoman, he walks across my legs and jumps from my knees into my body. We've done this many times with nary an injury. Until last Saturday. As he had done countlessly, zson walked onto my knees and leapt forward like Jimmy Snuka.


Notice how Snuka's left foot is cocked back? That's exactly how zson flew at me. As all 40 pounds of him flopped onto my chest, he whipped his shoeless foot straight down, impaling his pointy little toes flush into the shaft of zpenis. To say that I experienced pain is to say that the Grand Canyon is a big hole. It was not unlike this. I folded up like a jackknife. I saw stars. My mouth snapped open but no sound could come out. zwoman's hand immediately shot to her mouth. zson laughed and rolled off me so that he could do it again.

The pain subsided relatively quickly. About 30 minutes later I felt no lingering effects from the affront to my schwantz, and I went into the bathroom to pee. I let loose the Kraken and it showed no ill effects from the blow it suffered. I pulled out the jammy, aimed it at the bowl, and let pee fly. For a second nothing happened; what happened next will haunt me forever. A large, shiny, burgundy mass shot out of my dick, much like John Hurt's famous "chester" scene in "Aliens" ... with my dick playing the role of Hurt's chest.



The blob looked like a cross between that little alien's head and a squashed grape. It hit the inside of the bowl with an audible "splat" and was followed by a contrail of what looked like fruit punch. But it was not fruit punch. It was blood-soaked urine. I finished before these events could register in my mind, wiped the fruit punch off of the rim, and flushed the alien baby down.

Once I realized what had happened I staggered into the family room and took to my iPad. I entered "blood clot in urine" and what I read sent me into a cold sweat and a Tony Soprano-esque panic attack. Kidney failure. Bladder cancer. Urinary tract infection. Kidney stones. Prostate cancer.

I relayed my fears to zwoman and because she is the most wonderful woman in the world she calmly noted, "Well, you did just get kicked in the dick ... really hard." She suggested I go to an urgent care facility. I peed fruit punch again (but no alien baby blood clots) so I went. In a long discussion with the doctor, I realized that I just had a physical for life insurance a few months earlier and that my application was approved, so I can't have all of the diseases I feared. The doctor (who was a lady and kindly did not make me whip it out for examination, but did ask for a sample of my fruit punch) said "You have a lot of blood in your urine but I think your son hit you just right and broke a capillary or two." Just right indeed.

I went home with my fears allayed. The next time I peed it was much less fruit punchy. And then the time after that produced a yellow bowl with just a few maroon streaks. Because I'm an idiot my immediate reaction was "Just like Dan Snyder, I piss burgundy and gold!"

Stay tuned for Part II coming tomorrow: my legal justification for changing the Washington Redskins' name to the Washington Hematuria!

30 comments:

Marls said...

You put zlime in zcoconut.

Clarence said...

Ouch.

Clarence said...

Good day for Goodell. These are the ESPN NFL headlines right now:

Niners LB Smith checks into rehab
Lions WR Burleson breaks arm in car crash
Peyton, Broncos rip apart Raiders
Jones: DE Spencer may need microfracture
Raiders' Pryor concussed in loss SportsCenter
Stripper hits Jacoby Jones' head with bottle
Disorderly conduct arrest for Pacman Jones

rob said...

apologies, z. the reason there are so few comments thus far is that everyone is still holding their junk with both hands. in fact, i typed this using voice dictation.

zman said...

Part II will be less painful.

Dave said...

i have an acute vasovagal response and nearly passed out while reading this. brutal (but lovely prose).

Dave said...

happy birthday clarence! you got your very own rebus!

Danimal said...

zpeniz iz recovered i hope.

no oral for you for a while heh fella?

rob said...

(editor's note: danimal's comments in no way reflect the views or sensibilities of g:tb management.)

besides, they make no sense. zman's mouth wasn't damaged in the accident.

zman said...

rob is correct, I eat a bag of dicks 5 days a week and this injury hasn't slowed me down. zpenis is fully functional much like the Death Star.

Danimal said...

hey-ooooohhh!!!!!

mayhugh said...

"Tthe Detroit News reported that Burleson hit a median wall at around 2:25 a.m. ET after being distracted by 'pizza falling off his front seat.'"

This is completely legit. You can NOT have the cheese shift on you. Can ruin the entire pizza experience.

zman said...

I'm glad to see that pro athletes eat pizza at 2:25 in the morning. Perhaps I'm not a fat slob after all.

mayhugh said...

He probably burned roughly 5000 more calories than you did that day...

zman said...

Clarence probably burns 5000 more calories than I do on any given day.

Danimal said...

among other things that he burned, at night, late, to get the munchies.

i spent the morning at my wife's obgyn. that's what i do with my free time. but seriously though. she had to have one of "those" procedures done. it sounded foreign to me, and really gross. if i could be okay with never having relations with my wife again, i'd give you the full detail. the graphics rival zpenis. if this procedure would have taken place a year ago, i'd still have a healthy vassy. but no!!!!

Danimal said...

tmi?

Squeaky said...

I think the lady sitting next to me on my flight must have been reading my screen while reading this story. She stopped talking to me and won't look back towards me.

Danimal said...

only in florida...we have a big-time trial lawyer in our bldg. he works about 20 hrs a week. has a ferrari & a porsche and one of the nicest houses on the beach. he is currently riding around outside on his beach cruiser which has chopper type handlebars. he is shirtless with long jean shorts, bandana and mirrored sunglasses. if only carl hiaasen could meet him.

Mark said...

Florida's the best.

Shlara said...

Zman--this is both gross & scary. Glad you're OK.

This "Book of Manning" 30for30 is really good.

rob said...

only caught the last 30 minutes of the book of manning, but that last scene with archie and his grandkids was pretty great.

Shlara said...

Watch the whole doc--Archie is a first-class guy and prioritized being a good dad over being a good football player. And Cooper is my favorite Manning brother.

zman said...

Thanks Shlara! "Indulgently gross" is how I pitched this piece to the editorial powers-that-be. Glad you picked up on that.

T.J. said...

Vegas. Sir Elton.

Clarence said...

Hate bitching about this but I'm a bitch. To Mayhugh and the other real Skins fans (not Rob, sorry). Don't we remember Victor Cruz's "gave himself up" bullshit call from 2 years ago? It was the same than RGIII's fumble Sunday. Gmen get the call, we don't. Am I insane or isn't that what happened?

zman said...

Hi Gheorghes!

T.J. said...

Hey fella

T.J. said...

Found the "hidden" pizza joint at the Cosmo. Heaven

amanda young said...

Well it made me giggle...I just read on cracked that the actors had no idea what was going to happen and their horror was real. Amanda Vanderpool