Monday, December 18, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Okay, you get to boycott one person from entering the metropolitan region ever again (presumably severing all ties with the city).
(a) Jim Bowden
(b) Daniel Snyder
(c) Marion Barry
(d) Dick Cheney
(e) Gregg Williams
(f) my boss
(g) George Michael (the one who wasn't in Wham!)
(h) Tony Kornheiser
(i) Steve Buckhantz
(j) Linda Cropp
(k) Jerry & Geoff's friend Reed
(l) Brendan Haywood
(m) Mark Brunell
(n) Wes Unseld
(o) John Thompson
(p) Hillary Clinton
(q) Vinny Cerrato
(r) Abe Pollin
(s) the heads of Infinity Broadcasting
(t) Al Sharpton
(u) Kenny Wright
(v) everyone who grew up in the area yet is a Cowboys fan
(x) write-in politician of your choice
(y) write-in anyone
(z) the writers of Gheorghe: The Blog
Thursday, December 07, 2006
**FRIDAY MORNING UPDATE**
The insanity has to stop. You know what the #1 search is right now for GTB? Some combination of "christmas eve in washington song" and either "sucks" or "worst song ever". I need all the haters out there to band together and fight this monstrosity. I have already begged Dan at DC Sports Bog to get the word out about this plague, and I have emailed Program Director Bill Hess at 97.1 WASH FM numerous times begging him to put this tune to sleep (and put the listening public out of its misery). You should do the same (WASH FM of course is the soft rock station that begins playing Christmas songs in July).
I know you think I'm nuts, or simply an old curmudgeon, but I'll let the song speak for itself (speak = vomit syrupy sweet nothingness). If anyone can find an MP3 of this, please send it along. For now, try not to slit your wrists as you enjoy "It's Christmas Eve in Washington"...
It's snowing tonight in the Blue Ridge
There's a hush on the Chesapeake Bay
The chimneys are smoking in Georgetown,
And tomorrow is Christmas Day.
The Tidal Basin lies quiet
The tourists have found their way home
Mr. Jefferson's standing the mid-watch
And there's a star on the Capitol Dome.
It's Christmas Eve in Washington,
It's here that freedom lives,
And peace can stand her ground,
It's Christmas Eve in Washington
Our joyous wish to you
Is for peace, love & laughter,
To last the whole year through.
Snowmen peeking through the windows
It's warm with love inside
'Round the tree the children gather
Awaiting Santa's midnight ride.
Mom and Dad are counting their blessings,
Reflecting on all they've done
So thankful for another
Christmas Eve in Washington.
It's Christmas Eve in Washington,
For it's here that freedom lives,
And peace can stand her ground.
Monday, December 04, 2006
In case you forgot (and with so many of these clowns getting pinched, who can blame you?), McNeal also happened to be a passenger in LB Odell Thurman's vomit-filled SUV when Thurman got tagged for DWI (the other saint in that car? Chris Henry of course). Odell, already suspended 4 games at that time for violating the league's substance abuse policy, was given the reat of the year off following the arrest.
Amazingly, McNeal is the seventh Bengal to be arrested since December 15, 2005. The others on this prestigious list:
OL Eric Steinbach - We'll call him the Odell of the Sea. Steinbach got arrested for boating under the influence.
WR Chris Henry - King of the Hill. The Marcus Vick Charm School charge of getting underage chicks wasted, the DWI AND the gun charge. This guy is unbelievable.
DT Matthias Askew - This genius had to be Tasered after resisting arrest (over a parking violation).
LB A.J. Nicholson - Burglary (of a former Florida State teammate), grand theft, vandalism...all that's missing is a #2 in someone's clothes hamper.
DE Frostee Rucker - Spousal battery and vandalism in Los Angeles. I blame his parents for shackling him with that absurd first name.
Christ, Henry and Jimmy would've been better off hiring these guys for the Lufthansa heist...
Friday, December 01, 2006
$1,500,000 for SP Wade Miller
$1,750,000 for RP Kerry Wood
$5,250,000 for C Henry Blanco
$13,000,000 for 2B/SS/3B/OF Mark DeRosa
$75,000,000 for 3B Aramis Ramirez
$136,000,000 for LF Alfonso Soriano
That's $232,500,000 right there. I couldn't quite figure it out. Was Hendry really behind this tremendous cash outlay? Was the Tribune Co. finally going to sell the Cubs, meaning the penny pinching was over? Finally, it came to me...there is only one man truly capable of blowing that much cash that fast. I give you the REAL man behind the Chicago Cubs offseason:
"Gentlemen, do you think I'm a lowlife?"
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Dead Last (32nd) in Points per Game - 12.0 (the Raiders have only scored 13 TDs this year)
Dead Last in Yards per Game - 239.8
Dead Last in First Downs per Game - 14.4
28th in Time of Possession - 28:22
28th in 3rd Down Completion Percentage - 33.6%
Commit the 3rd Most Penalties in the League - 77
So, how do you save this moribund offense? Obviously, you grab the best Ocean Front High has to offer and let him run the show:
Good luck Mr. Shoop. By the way, Wondermutt could ably play the part of Art Shell or Randy Moss in this exercise. I'll let you decide.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Currently, the best football team in New York (well, New Jersey) is the Jets. The EPIC collapse by the Giants on Sunday clinched it. Despite no discernible running game and a QB with Juan Pierre's arm, the 6-5 Jets are very much in the AFC playoff hunt (jumbled in with Herm's Chiefs, Cutler's Broncos, the Bengals, a Jacksonville team incapable of winning a road game, the Joey Harrington-led Dolphins, the Bills and the West Canaan Coyotes). However, just like the Browns game before the bye, the Jets need to win this week's game against the Packers. They can't be giving away a game with red-hot Miami and Buffalo coming up in Weeks 13 and 15 (by the way, the AFC East is now the toughest division in football). Come to think of it, that 41-0 loss to Jacksonville in Week 5 isn't going to be very helpful.
I know I railed against hyperbole and overstatement throughout the NFL season, but I said this to Geoffrey last night, and I firmly believe it: Vince Young is a better NFL QB than Michael Vick. Mock me all you want, but in 8 games Vince Young has shown me more as a pro QB than Vick has over the last 3 years. Yes, Young is completing a pedestrian 49% of his passes, and has thrown as many picks as TDs in his 8 starts, but the guy is 4-4 (3-1 against the NFC East) and all of a sudden the Titans don't look like the Raiders. I don't want to hear about Vick's playoff win in Green Bay 4 years ago. Since Atlanta lost to Philly in the NFC Title Game two and a half years ago he has been mediocre at best. He is one of the worst PASSERS at the position in the league (Chadwick and his candyass arm still get it done better than Vick). Basically, I love me some Vince Young, and DX has two words for Mike Vick...
I saw the new Bond flick Casino Royale over the weekend, and it was awesome. Terrific performance from Daniel Craig, and an extremely well-done film in the mold of Batman Begins (the re-invention of a tired franchise, highlighted by that ridiculous invisible car in Die Another Day). I highly recommend it.
Apparently, it pays to be a middling middle reliever this offseason. Today alone the Orioles threw 31M bucks at Danys Baez and Chad Bradford. This after throwing 12M at Jamie Walker last week. I realize the Orioles suck terribly, and the bullpen is an area of need, but this is a tad excessive. Not to be outdone, the Dodgers just gave Randy Wolf a 1 yr/8M deal and of course proved they are completely nuts with the 5 yr/44M deal for Juan Pierre. Man, Barry Zito is going to be one very rich dude.
Nevada and Nick Fazekas are 5-0 (Nick is averaging 25 and 15 right now). There are plenty of seats available on the bus right now, but don't wait too long...the Butler bus is already full and by February the Wolf Pack Wagon might not have room for you.
I know it's pretty early in the NBA season, but I thought everyone might get a chuckle out of the NBA's Atlantic Division standings:
New Jersey Nets, 5-8 (Losers of 5 straight)
Boston Celtics, 5-8 (Coach being run out of town)
Philadelphia 76ers, 5-9 (Webber whining once again)
New York Knicks, 5-10 (Even Isiah hates Starbury now)
Toronto Raptors, 4-9 (Drafted a chick with the #1 pick)
Can that even be considered parity?
GTB's "DVR Death Watch" - As chronicled in the comments of many past posts, DVRd TV shows are dropping like flies in the GTB household. Just today we have had to temporarily add ABC's "The Nine" to the grave (the network claims it's just on hiatus...we will see). Now, the vast amount of dropped shows can partly be attributed to the large quantity of TV DVRd in the GTB household...the more shows we commit too, the more chances we have to lose a show. However, our luck/skill in choosing shows sure seems to be sucking this season. I liken it to my rare ability to never, EVER, pick the right toll booth lane on the highway (I know, get an EZ Pass). Here's the death toll so far...
Smith - CBS Ray Liotta vehicle that lasted THREE episodes. Yikes.
Kidnapped - Sometimes I can't sleep at night, wondering what happened to Leopold.
Vanished - Fox seriously expects me to watch the last 4 episodes on MySpace.
Six Degrees - Supposedly "on hiatus" as well. Come on ABC, you can tell us the truth. We can handle it.
The Nine - Keep killing me...
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Afternoon Update: I just realized Gheorghe: The Blog has never properly spotlighted Gheorghe: The Dancer, so here you go:
Friday, November 17, 2006
Honestly -- look at the title. The "IF" fades into his suit a bit, leaving . . . yes . . . I DID IT. I think TJ is losing his mind on this matter.
Unbelievable brass ones.
EDITOR'S NOTE: First of all, I was all over this weeks ago, just scroll down this page. Don't ever think a piece of OJ news slipped through my google "Juice" filter. Secondly, I never thought this day would come, but OJ's latest PR move/stunt, this fucking book, is the last straw for me. The day has finally come - I'm over my whole OJ thing. I seriously hope Fred Goldman runs him over with his car. Fuck you Juice...
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Bruce Chen - It's just a formality putting Bruce on the ballot, given this is the first year of the Hall. Chen is obviously the class of the 2007 nominations, and frankly, he most likely could be the class of the 2008-2020 nominations as well, given he is still only 29 years old, left-handed and will be pitching well into his 40s. So far, 9 seasons for Bruce Chen, 9 different teams. He's talented enough teams want to give him a shot, but mediocre enough he never quite works out. A perfect combination...hence a Hall of Fame being named after him. Hell, supposed pitching guru Leo Mazzone can't even fix him...and he's had TWO shots at him (first in Atlanta and now in Baltimore). Bruce, here's hoping the Orioles give up on you sometime in Spring Training, so you can keep the impressive 1 team per year ratio going.
Reggie Sanders - The offensive equivalent of Chen, with the added bonus that he has actually contributed to playoff teams in his run. A little long in the tooth, Sanders has played for 8 different teams in his 16 seasons. I actually thought Sanders had been on more teams in his career, so I'm a little disappointed. Don't worry, I'll get over it.
Neifi Perez - Rob Neyer's favorite player and the guy many on the internet call the worst player in the history of baseball sneaks onto this list, having joined his 5th team last year in his 11th season. I guess he didn't really aid the Tigers in their quest for a World Series title. By the way, if you do look at his numbers (which I'm doing right now), they guy really does blow. Nice .298 career OBP Neifi.
Sal Fasano - You've gotta have a catcher on the nomination list, and it only makes sense for it to be the poster boy for backup backstops. 9 seasons in the bigs, 8 teams (the Royals twice...torture), a whopping 46 career HRs. But for 30 games a year he's the cadaver you can throw behind the plate to rest your main guy. And man, can that guy grow some facial hair...
Roberto Hernandez - An ancient reliever who, after early career success and stability saving games for the White Sox, has found his way onto 8 different teams over his 16 seasons (twice with Mets). He has 326 career saves, but at 41 years old his days might be numbered. Too bad he ain't left-handed, which gets us to...
Mike Myers - With Jesse Orosco long gone, Myers is one of MLB's lefties looking to take the reins as best "barely-used but never out of a job" pitcher in the bigs. 8 teams in 12 years, and as long as their are still left-handed batters in baseball (I don't want to give Bud and the boys any ideas) Myers will have a job, even if it requires a walker to get to the mound. He hasn't thrown more than 46 innings in any of the last 8 years (he even has a World Series ring with that one team, you know, that team that hadn't won in awhile, but then did, and it was a big deal or something...the White Sox maybe...I really can't remember).
John Mabry - This list wouldn't be complete without a consummate pinch hitter (I wanted to put Lenny Harris on here but apparently he retired...who knew?). As long as Mabry can manage to sit on his ass for 8 innings every night and then still get a hit when called upon, he will have a job in the bigs, as his 10 teams in 13 years shows (he's been on St. Louis THREE times and Seattle twice). Last seen in a Cubs uniform, the 35 year old Mabry is sure to be around for awhile.
Veteran's Committee Nominations: Ruben Sierra and Julio Franco
Julio "Lazarus" Franco has played for 8 teams over 22 seasons (two tours in Cleveland), and Ruben Sierra has played for 12 teams over 20 seasons. Sierra's been on the Texas Rangers 3 different times and the New York Yankees twice. These two guys just won't go away. I'm worried that if at some point in the future these two are on the field at the same time the world might implode.
Notable omissions (that I can think of right now...I'm sure there are others you will point out to me): Terry Mulholland, Kenny Lofton and Ron Villone.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Chad Pennington - James Chadwick Pennington (seriously, that's his name) is of course the starting QB for the New York Jets, and despite having a throwing shoulder held together by paper mache and silly string, he has been an efficient and effective NFL QB, after being a superstar at Marshall (by my fuzzy math he's 26-20 in the regular season and 2-2 in the postseason). Pennington's emergence (along with the fellas below) helped put the MAC Conference on the map in the late 1990s. He won three MAC titles while at Marshall, and his 123 TDs and 14,098 passing yards established school career records. While at Marshall, Pennington threw quite a few TDs to a guy further down the page, and actually finished 5th in the 1999 Heisman Trophy voting. Along with new head coach Eric Mangini, Pennington has led a 2006 Jet-aissance, capped by last week's 17-14 win over New England which puts the Jets at 5-4, only a game back of the AFC-East leading Patriots (6-3, and a split against the Jets). That loss to the Browns going into the bye continues to kill me, though it looks like Cleveland isn't as terrible as once thought. Man, if the Jets could ever upset the Bears in the Meadowlands this weekend...
Byron Leftwich - Big Boi Byron (his middle name is Anton...what's up with these Marshall QBs?) is probably best remembered for being carried down the field by his offensive lineman in that Akron game in 2002 after breaking his shin...but there's also that epic 64-61 GMAC Bowl comeback win over East Carolina (they were down 30), in which Leftwich threw for 576 yards and 4 TDs (he also rushed for a TD). He's second to Pennington in most of the major school passing categories. Though Jacksonville head coach Jack Del Rio recently replaced Leftwich as the starter with David "Don't Call Me Jean-Luc" Garrad, Garrad's four picks last week against the woeful Texans might have Byron starting again soon. Leftwich is a D.C. native, and if Jacksonville truly doesn't want him, I'll throw this possibility out there - Danny Snyder will try to bring in Leftwich in two years if the Jason Campbell era turns out to be a major disaster for the Redskins.
Randy Moss - Ah yes, how can we forget Randy...even though he has faded to Bolivia in Oakland the last two years. But don't worry, this week's Moss outburst will certainly put him back on the front page (that is, as long as the media can let the Bobby Knight story go...settle down fellas, it's not like Knight choked a guy or anything). After catching 26 TD passes from Chaz Sexington in 1997 (at that time an NCAA single-season record), Moss was 4th in Heisman voting (that's the year Swint's boy Charles Woodson took home the trophy). Moss finished up his career at Marshall (only two seasons) first in TD receptions (53), third in receptions (174) and second in yards (3,529 yards). Oh yeah, back to his big mouth - the other day Moss said he's dropping passes and struggling because he's feeling down. "Maybe because I'm unhappy, and I'm not too much excited about what's going on, so my concentration and focus level tends to go down when I'm in a bad mood. So all I can say is, if you put me in a good situation and make me happy, man, you get good results." Yep, Randy Moss, continuing to define class and professionalism.
Billy Crystal - I had absolutely no idea Billy Crystal went to Marshall. It's a crying shame he didn't go down in that plane crash. Then he and Jack Palance could write City Slickers 3 while traipsing around hell.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
In honor of election day, a few races you might not have known about, but are important nonetheless:
Harry Callahan vs. John McLean
It's "Dirty" Harry vs. the Cowboy McLean. As you can imagine, the race has been extremely tight, with the younger crowd strongly supporting McLean and older voters backing Callahan. What voters need to realize is there would be no John McLean without Det. Harry Callahan. Show respect for the man who reinvented the (anti)hero role in action movies. A vote for Callahan is a vote for the most powerful handgun in the world.
Richard Dawson vs. Bob Barker
One of the toughest races to call on the ballot, this battle of geriatric game show gropers might come down to the recent Barker retirement announcement, which could lead to a swarm of sympathy votes at the polls. Personally, I think Richard's blatant sexual advances on the Feud are far more impressive than Barker's off-screen trysts with the Beauties. Barker does garner some bonus points for his role in Happy Gilmore, which was only a tad bit better than Dawson's role as Killian in The Running Man.
Peyton Manning vs. Tom Brady
Gee, haven't heard alot about this one...
Foreigner vs. Boston
Two staples of Classic Rock Shoot Out face off today, with the winner likely to dominate Two for Tuesdays and Rock-toberfests for years to come. I expect a landslide victory for Foreigner, as their plethora of hits propel them to the top over Boston's less distinctive collection. I mean, just look at this sampling of Foreigner's work product: "Feels Like The First Time", "Cold as Ice", "Hot Blooded", "Double Vision", "Dirty White Boy", "Head Games", "Urgent", "Waiting for a Girl Like You", "Juke Box Hero" and of course "I Want to Know What Love Is". True, Boston gave us "More Than a Feeling" and "Foreplay/Long Time" off their self-titled debut album, but the rest of their platform is weak.
Jane Roe vs. Henry Wade
Are you kidding me? You think I'd touch this one? I'd rather talk about the Manning/Brady race.
Paper vs. Plastic
As a veteran of the glorious supermarket industry, this issue seems to be hotly contested every term, with the result always up for grabs until the 11th hour (Full Disclosure: I never once worked as a cashier - I was a Produce guy...I would've killed someone if I was a cashier). Stupid crunchy granola hippies think Paper bags are the devil's work, but they may be too busy making hemp necklaces to rock the vote. If you are some sort of bag snob and simply MUST have paper bags, get to the polling station today, lest you be stuck with plastic bags that are guaranteed to shred the minute you step out of the store. If you hate dolphins, vote for plastic, as plastic bags can apparently be thrown in the ocean and choke the little bastards.
John Daly vs. The Institution of Marriage
I don't normally encourage people not to vote, but this thing will be a landslide victory for Daly. Forget racing to your nearest polling station - just stay home, kick off your shoes and down a dozen beers (you know John would do the same). Marriage never stood a chance. It was the "Dukakis" to Daly's "Herbert Walker Bush". Daly will soon have ex-wife #4 after filing for divorce from class act Sherrie Miller Daly October 18th, four months after she finished serving a federal sentence for alleged drug and gambling ring wrongdoings. Daly of course wrote about his other three Exes in his autobiography "My Life In & Out of the Rough". The chapter on the previous election losers was entitled "All My Exes Wear Rolexes."
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Washington Redskins are some lucky S.O.B.s...So, two teams had their seasons on the line yesterday, playing at home, against solid teams: the Skins (vs. Dallas) and the Steelers (vs. Denver). And go figure, it's Washington that manages to save their season, at least for a week (Pittsburgh is D-U-N). Even the most devout Redskins fan has to admit the big man was smiling down on them yesterday afternoon. Dallas should've won that game on the T.O. bomb (nice hands pal) and REALLY should've won the game on Vanderjagt's 35-yard FG. Heck, you can't take anything away from the Skins effort on the block (Troy Vincent I believe), and Vanderjagt should be pummeled for his terribly low kick, but the 15-yard face mask call that set up Novak's game winner? A gift. Kudos to Nicky though for sacking up after pushing the 49-yarder wide right and (barely) nailing the 47-yard game winner. Yesterday in the NFL once again proved that no game is a gimme (seriously, did ANYONE have the Dolphins?), and fans of Dallas can bitch and moan all week about the couldas wouldas and shouldas, but the final tally is all that matters. I really cannot wait for Parcells to punch T.O. in the face on the sidelines during Week 13. A win is a win, and a 3-5 Redskins team going into Philly next week has this town once again thinking playoffs, which at least provides me more asinine sports radio to listen to for another week.
Gilbert Arenas is a godsend...I really hope the people of Washington realize what they have in Gilbert Arenas. He's an enigma wrapped in a riddle who just happens to be one of the best players in the NBA. He's the 2006 version of World B. Free (but better). I had the good fortune to see the Wiz home opener Saturday night against the Celtics, and the raucous pre-game intros were highlighted by Gilbert coming out in a Apollo Creed-esque robe, hoodie up...the Verizon Center went nuts. It didn't hurt that Arenas then proceeded to pour in 44 (with 6 assists) in the Wizards 124-117 victory over Boston. You could actually tell he wanted to make up for the Paul Pierce game from a year ago...which when you think about it is awesome. The guy takes every perceived slight or slap in the face and uses it as motivation...several times in the game a Celtics player hit a big bucket (there was ZERO defense played in this game), and it didn't matter if it was Gil's man or not, he proceeded to come back down the court and absolutely drill a DAGGER three or hit a twisting lay-up in the lane (always with contact). He would not be stopped. The Wizards are playoff-bound once again, and Whitney, I'm happy to win another case of beer off you if you think differently. One other game note: The retro jersey of the night goes to the 6'6", 250 lb. black guy in the Alabama Joe Namath "12" jersey. Well played sir.
Don't look now, but that really fat guy has his team in contention for a BCS bowl game (no, not Charlie Weis)...Sure, the ACC appears to be having a down year (a vast understatement I know), but I'm still impressed by the turnaround Ralph Friedgen has engineered at Maryland this season. 3-2 following a loss at Georgia Tech, the Terps appeared destined for another 5-6 non-bowl season. Now winners of 4 straight games (albeit by a total of 12 points), the Terps (7-2, 4-1) technically control their own destiny, as they face Miami, Boston College and Wake Forest in their last 3 games. The ACC Atlantic is theirs for the taking, and they can thank kicker Dan Ennis for keeping the dream alive. His 31-yard game winner against Clemson Saturday allowed Maryland to escape Death Valley with a 13-12 victory, and it was surely the inspiration for Terp alum Nick Novak's kick 24 hours later. Fridge celebrated by downing three pints of Chunky Monkey.
Friday, November 03, 2006
It has been brought to my attention that the local soft rock station, 97.1 WASH-FM, has really gone off the deep end. Apparently, they are already playing Christmas tunes, as the FFMD heard "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on Wednesday. Wednesday was November 1st. I mean, you've got to be kidding me right? Why don't we just start playing the Christmas tunes after Labor Day. That seems appropriate. The worst part of all this - the horrendous musical tagteam of "Christmas Shoes" and "Christmas Eve in Washington" is right around the corner. My strong dislike of those two tunes has been mentioned here before, but it needs to be said again: Worst Christmas Songs Ever.
This new "Stop Your Whining, Rasheed" rule in the NBA is going to be fascinating to watch. The rule's namesake already got tossed in his first game of the year, and last night Carmelo got booted from the Nuggets/Clippers game. Are these guys so immature and unprofessional that they physically cannot stop bitching and moaning, to the point they're costing their teams games? If so, the Pistons in particular are in serious trouble. I'm putting the over/under on Rasheed technical fouls at 50. That guy is a nightmare.
Perhaps its just me, but the MLB Rawlings Gold Glove Award voters just might be the laziest of all sports award voters (Gee, couldn't have anything to do with the fact that the voters are the league's coaches and managers, right?) The process seems to work like this:
Stage 2: If that guy still has a pulse, vote for him again this year
Stage 3: Profit
I'm thinking Rob has an opinion on this, especially since all 4 of the excellent 2006 Red Sox infielders were shut out for Gold Gloves. And why the hell are OF positions not differentiated?
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Monday, October 23, 2006
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Tallahassee for a work conference, and in checking the conference schedule, I was quite excited (and frankly surprised) to see who the keynote dinner speaker is tomorrow night...I hope to god he throws on a mascot head...
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
Friday, October 06, 2006
A's/Twins - Yes, it's never a good idea to drop the first two games of a best-of-five at home, especially when the best pitcher in the game starts Game 1. But, BUT, realize this folks, the Oakland A's are the biggest bunch of choking dogs we've seen since, well, the 2004 Yankees (god damn it pains me to write that). Aside from the rejuvenated Frank Thomas, that A's lineup is still punchless (unless Uncle Milty throws a real punch at Ken Macha) and it's not like being at home in Oakland is a huge advantage. The Twins certainly aren't helping themselves throwing a guy with a torn labrum and a stress fracture in Game 3, but Brad Radke just might have one left in him. This must be pointed out - Oakland has lost the last 9 games in which it had an opportunity to clinch a postseason series, which just happens to be a major league record (thanks Elias Sports Bureau). And the real kicker: only one team in history has won the first two games on the road in a best-of-five series (just like these A's) and lost. You wanna take a guess who? That's right, the 2001 A's blew a 2-0 series lead against the Yankees (if I remember correctly, that might be the year of the Jeter play). I'm taking Minnesota in 5.
Yankees/Tigers - God damn frisky Tigers and their god damn old school, doesn't-give-a-shit manager. I thought Justin Verlander might cry yesterday when Leyland yanked him. Now we have a tie series, and Detroit thinks they're going to win this thing. Battle of the creaky (and cranky) lefties in Game 3 tonight - Randy Johnson for the Yanks and Kenny Rogers for the Tigers. You know the Yankees bullpen will be needed tonight, perhaps very early, and that is a major problem. Hey Mike Myers, if you can't even get a left-hander out, especially one who hit .238 after the All Star break, why don't you just miss the flight? We don't need you. It's not even worth my time to join the thousands behind the woodshed pummeling Alex Rodriguez, but it sure as hell would be nice if he got a meaningful hit sometime in this post-season, perhaps before it's too late (he's hitless in his past 14 postseason ABs with runners in scoring position). I still think Yankees in 4 (and Yanks in 6 in ALCS against Twins), but I'm alot more worried now than I was yesterday at lunchtime.
Mets/Dodgers - Seriously, can you have ANY faith in a Grady Little team winning a series, let alone coming from 0-2 down. Unlike with the A's and Twins, I don't think it's happening here, even with the Mets throwing [insert very unfunny mention of some Mets pitcher from the 70s as done by all other writers in past two days]. The "two guys tagged out at home" play was the death knell for the Dodgers. The Mets are sweeping this thing, and Tommy Lasorda is running over Little in the parking lot of Dodger Stadium after Game 3 (by accident of course, because he's old as hell). By the way, star of this post Reggie Sanders has absolutely NOTHING on the ancient Kenny Lofton, who is so old it looks like he can barely hold up the bat. Lofton has played in 81 playoff games in his career, but has nothing to show for it, and that ain't changing this year.
Cardinals/Padres - Hmmm, stumble into the postseason like Akroyd dressed as Santa Claus and all of a sudden you're up 2-0 against a team relying on the likes of Russell Branyan and Geoff Blum...this thing is O-V-E-R. San Diego is hitting .164 in the series. The Padres have 10 total hits (Albert Pujols has 5 all by himself). Simply put, the Pads are the Cards' prison bitch in the playoffs: 0-5 against them the last 2 years, soon to be 0-6. Unfortunately, this resurgence by St. Louis might make more douchebags like Bill Plaschke gush over Tony LaRussa. A final cautionary note - I know Jeff Weaver looked like Cy Young out there yesterday. Try to remember, this is Jeff Weaver. The moment Jeff Weaver has to pitch a significant game in a pressure situation, oh I don't know, like in Shea against the Mets, he will come apart quicker than Michal Douglas in Falling Down. So enjoy the calm and composed Weaver for now, the meltdown is most definitely coming. Cards sweep, lose to Mets in 5 in NLCS.
Updates from last week: Notre Dame stayed on track and should win this week 77-0, the Jets did indeed put up a heck of a fight and are at least the second-best team in the AFC East, and "Vanished" produced a fantastic episode before their playoff-induced hiatus.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
New York Yankees skipper Joe Torre discusses tonight's ALDS match-up against the Detroit Tigers with Game 1 starter Chien-Ming Wang. (GTB/File/Wang)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Hold off on greenlighting "Subway Series 2: When Nature Calls". Despite what many in the media see as a foregone conclusion, the Yankees and the Mets are not a lock to meet in the World Series. With the Tigers clinching the other day, the Twins clinching yesterday, and the A's basically in, it's not a stretch to say the Yankees will have the worst starting pitching of all the AL playoff teams. News that old man Johnson will miss his start Thursday has me even more concerned. Yes, the Yankee line-up is unbelievably stacked, but it's not going to do them a world of good if Mussina and Johnson get bombed early. Johan Santana scares the hell out of me in a short series. I'm sure Jerry and Whit will be dissecting the NL playoffs in greater detail soon, but I'll just say that with Pedro banged up and the Padres looking like a lock for the playoffs I would be concerned as a Mets fan right now. Sure, the Mets line-up is every bit as potent as the Yankees' (if not more), but that Padres pitching staff is damn good (second in the league in ERA, potential Hall of Fame closer, great set-up guys). Short series are scary, and the best team doesn't always win...here's hoping (for my sake) the Yankees and Mets can fight past their pitching deficiencies, but don't be surprised if we get Detroit or Minnesota or Oakland vs. San Diego in the World Series a month from now (yep, I completely discounted whoever the other two NL playoff teams are...you should too).
We might be witnessing an epic meltdown by the St. Louis Cardinals. A week ago the Cards had the NL Central in the bag, leading the Astros by 7 games. Then they traveled to Houston and forgot how to play baseball. Today, their lead is 2.5, with the Astros winning six straight and St. Louis losing 6 straight. Included in both those streaks is the Astros bludgeoning of St. Louie over the weekend. The Cards finish with San Diego and Milwaukee at home, while Houston is on the road facing Pittsburgh and Atlanta. This is the kind of late season skid that gets baseball writers all jonsed to tell us kids about the 1964 Philadelphia Phillies, who had a 6.5 game lead with 12 to play, but managed to close out the year 2-10 and miss the playoffs. The good people of St. Louis hope a similar collapse can be avoided...but I'm not sure it can. If Chris Carpenter loses tonight, it could be all over.
The NY Jets, despite two brutal upcoming games, will be a sleeper in the AFC playoff picture. Sure, the Patriots, despite their shortcomings, will most likely win the AFC East yet again, but after three weeks I don't see any reason why the Jets can't hang around in the AFC playoff picture for awhile. In their own division, Miami and Buffalo are terribly flawed, and once NY gets this two game Indianapolis-Jacksonville stretch out of the way they play the Dolphins and Lions at home and the Browns on the road, prior to a Week 9 Bye. I honestly see them entering their Week 7 bye at 4-4 or (hushed tone) 5-3, and who knows from there. This is the NFL, this type of shit happens every year, some atrocious team from the year before rights the ship and makes a playoff run. Pennington's health is always a concern, and they need some consistency from the running game, be it Kevan Barlow or some combination of Barlow and the other RB donkeys (I'm looking at you Derrick Blaylock, Leon Washington and Cedric Houston), but overall I feel pretty good about what I've seen from Eric Mangini's boys (the defense in particular has been a turnover-forcing machine).
Notre Dame, after their stirring comeback Saturday night, will be 10-1 when they play USC November 25th. I know, back to back homer beliefs, but just look at the upcoming schedule: Purdue, Stanford, UCLA, Navy, North Carolina, Air Force and Army. Not exactly a murderers row of opponents. Purdue looks great...as the MAC champ. Stanford's been outscored 156-63 so far this year. Hell, ND has beaten Navy something like 42 straight times and if it weren't for Colorado the Tar Heels might be the worst 1-A team in the country. Despite that nationally televised ass-kicking they took at the hands of Michigan, Notre Dame MIGHT be playing for a shot at the national title when they face the Trojans. I'm just preparing you now...get ready for alot of Notre Dame fellating in the press (I'll try to limit it to a few reach-arounds here at GTB).
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Nah, nothing can be worse than the Ohio State debacle...
Boy was I wrong. Really, really wrong. Part of my silence this week has been caused by the absolute thrashing Notre Dame took at the hands of Michael Jack's Michigan squadron, at home no less. 11 penalties, 5 turnovers, and countless DBs grasping at air. 47 points surrendered. Brady Quinn looking one part Bledsoe, one part Leaf. Mario Manningham channeling Anthony Carter. That guy Prescott Burgess on Michigan is a beast - 6'4", 250 and all over the field. At least with the Fiesta Bowl last year, I had a sense Ohio State was the better team, but Saturday I had truly talked myself into thinking ND was unstoppable (sorry to hammer this home...but especially at home). Silly, silly me. Ohio State dropped 34 on the Irish, Michigan 47. Charlie Weis better get these guys straightened out fast...Michigan State is not afraid of the Irish (flag-planting a-holes).
"He's got electric boots..a mohair suit...you know I read it in a magazine..."
Pennie and the Jets...Pennie, Pennie and the Jets. Well, the one solace in sitting on my couch for 14 hours Sunday, recovering from both the Irish shocker and my absurd hangover, was the last 20 minutes of the Jets/Pats game. I know I was ready to bury these guys before the season ever began, but then, they go on the road and beat Tennessee (yes, the do suck, but you take a W anyway you can) and show some serious fire against the Pats in the second half Sunday. It's only two games, but I like what I'm seeing from the offense, in particular Pennington and 3rd year wideout Jerricho Cotchery. 2 games, 12 catches, 186 yards, 9 first downs, 2 TDs (and if you haven't seen highlights of Cotchery or Coles TDs from Sunday, they were sweet). Obviously, if Chad's arm falls off against Buffalo next week, this season is shot to hell, but the rebuilt offensive line is performing adequately, the defense ain't the nightmare it was last year, so far (watch Jonathan Vilma if and when the Jets are on TV again...he is awesome) and Eric Mangini hasn't looked like the second coming of Rich Kotite just yet. The Motor City Madman Mike Nugent decided to actually make some kicks this week, so that's a bonus. I don't know if Drew is still stopping by GTB, but this week's Jets/Bills game is actually pretty big. With Daunte Culpepper submarining the Dolphins season, the Bills or Jets just might give New England a fight (I am leaning more towards the Bills). All I know is the Jets don't currently belong in the conversation of sustained sucktitude, with the Raiders and Packers and Browns, and that's good enough for me.
He's the Julio Franco of the NFL...
You know you have a serious place kicking situation when you are signing a 46 year old who hasn't played in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE since 2004. Well, the Falcons are apparently in just such a situation, as they have signed Morten Andersen to take over kicking duties in Atlanta. Good luck to the Danish American Football Federation Hall of Fame's most famous inductee.
From the "What a horrendous idea" file...
You know, if I had a friend or client with a serious drug problem, I could think of numerous qualified people they should talk to. Well, Clive Davis has apparently taken another approach, because when he sought a mentor for crackhead Whitney Houston, he dialed up Courtney Love. I haven't seen a pairing this destined for failure since Van Damme and Rodman in "Double Team".
Wait, so she’s Vanished, but he’s been Kidnapped? And these are different programs how?
This is the first Fall TV season for me and my DVR, and let me tell you, it’s fucking fantastic. EXCEPT for the fact network TV has decided to completely throw in the towel and produce the same exact shows (at least the titles are slightly different). Fox has been delivering the goods right now with Vanished, but tonight I need to forget all about Senator Collins and Agent Kelton so I can figure out who the hell kidnapped Timothy Hutton’s boy (good to see Delroy Lindo is still around). At least those two shows are on different networks – the suits at NBC just said "F it" and are giving us two behind the scenes SNL-type shows, Studio 60 and 30 Rock. Studio 60 showed serious promise the other night, and without seeing even a second of 30 Rock I wonder how long any series with Tracy Morgan in a starring role can last.
And, if you missed it yesterday, welcome back Peter Gammons
Thursday, September 14, 2006
"I am El Nino. Yo soy El Nino. For those of you who don't habla espanol, El Nino is Spanish for: The Nino."
Thursday, September 07, 2006
10 blown saves on the year
A 1.46 WHIP (38 walks in 58 innings)
Interesting (and final) note, Jason's middle name is Derik. Nice spelling douchebag. Happy Birthday...You Suck
Update: Someone on the interweb REALLY likes Izzy...
Friday, September 01, 2006
But first, a quick recap of 1994 (in other words, I need some filler). 1994 gave us Buffalo losing yet another Super Bowl, Hakeem's Dream Warriors beating the Knicks (some might say John Starks actually beat the Knicks) and [ ] winning the World Series. Oh yeah, that's right, there was no fucking World Series in 1994...stupid cocksuckers...not that I'm bitter...
'94 gave me time to make out during Schindler's List (wait, that wasn't me) before packing for my Freshman year of college...AND my trip to Williamsburg was delayed by a bunch of faux-hippy crunchy-granolas with daddy's credit card clogging the NY State Thruway to catch Woodstock '94. Somehow I don't think a Woodstock headlined by Green Day and Nine Inch Nails quite captures the spirit of the original. Maybe that's just me...
Anyway, back to my original premise - the guy that really made me think we all jumped in the DeLorean with Doc Emmett Brown was on the USA Network last night, supplying one of the more entertaining tennis matches I've ever seen. Yes, it's true I watch tennis about as often as Woody Paige makes a lucid point, but that's not the issue here. The same guy who came off wrist surgery in 1994 to win the U.S. Open over Michael Stich (Agassi was unseeded no less) now has everyone thinking (maybe hoping and dreaming would be more accurate) he can do it again in 2006. Andre Agassi's first two matches have been highly entertaining, and in fact, have been the kind of must-see-TV that makes me as a fan feel as exhausted as the guys playing. As Jerry mentioned this morning, there's was also a certain WWE feel to the match last night, and that's never a bad thing (Baghdatis' leg cramps had Vince Russo written all over it). Here's hoping Andre can hang on for one more match at least, so we can see him match-up with Andy Roddick, who, by the way, was 12 in 1994.
The Oakland Raiders never cease to amaze me. Earlier this week Lazarus Davis signed Jeff George to QB his team to glory, glory being 4-12 of course. Don't think for a second that George won't be replacing Aaron Brooks sometime in Week 2, attempting to recreate the success of his extremely productive '94 campaign, in which he threw for 3,734 yards and 23 TDs in the run-and-shoot offense of current Hawaii coach June Jones. Of course, George will also most likely be released sometime after Week 6 when he challenges Art Shell to a street brawl.
Back in 1994, there was much hope in Jet-land. After the less-than-impressive Bruce Coslet era, a new young coach was going to lead the Jets to the promised land. Sure, it might be an uphill climb, but he had the enthusiasm and smarts to get it done. Well, Pete Carroll went 6-10, got himself canned, and worst of all, ushered in the Rich Kotite era in NY. Be very afraid Eric Mangigi, be very afraid (I know I am)...by the way, the stars of the 1994 NY Jets. Boomer Esiason and Johnny Johnson. I have no clue how these guy's managed 6 wins.
One last item - I'm flipping by espn2 last night, and who's batting 5th for the Mets? Julio Franco. Julio Franco was already 35 in 1994, folks. He was 8th in the MVP voting that year. Julio Franco is now 47 years old and looks in better shape than 80% of the guys in baseball.
It wouldn't be a TJ post without your obligatory YouTube clip...special 1994 edition
Friday, August 25, 2006
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Special Bonus: I have obtained footage of what happened when Mike Golic dared to upset Kuselias on last Friday's show...
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Friday, August 18, 2006
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I. Ray of Hope
For the second night in a row, the Yankees were unable to figure out a young Orioles left-hander, losing 3-2 at the Stadium to Adam Loewen (5.2 IP, 2 ER, 5Ks). Loewen has now beaten NY twice in the last month. Despite Sam Perlozzo's best attempt to throw this game away (I mean, does he watch LaTroy Hawkins pitch?), Orioles closer Chris Ray saved his ass by earning a 2 inning save, giving him 28 on the year. For all you O's fans out there, at least you can root for Bedard, Loewen, Ray and Markakis (Nicky hit a HR last night). The rest of the bunch, not so much. Have I mentioned Peter Angelos sucks balls? The Yankees lead in the AL East is now down to two games...but Octavio Dotel seems healthy, which is nice. Does this mean we can end the Ponson in Pinstripes Era?
II. It's the Spanish Kramer vs. Kramer
The battle for NL Central supremacy was won by the Reds' Edwin Encarnacion last night, as he connected for 2 long balls and 4 RBI in the Reds 7-2 win over the Cardinals. Redbird Juan Encarnacion did nothing to help his team, taking an 0-4 and leaving 2 guys on base. This entire season the Reds pitching staff has been mocked, but all you need to do is look across the field and see the chumps the Cards are running out to realize St. Louis might not only lose the NL Central, they might miss the playoffs altogether (As Bill Walton might say, Jason Marquis is HORRRIBLE). By the way, Cornrow Arroyo finally earned his 10th win of the season...on his 11th try.
III. I really thought they were finishing 47-1
When I saw the Dodgers lost yesterday, I was genuinely shocked. With the level of competition in the NL (the West division in particular) being so suspect, I was pretty sure L.A. wasn't losing another game for the rest of the year. Miguel Cabrera homered twice and drove in five for the Marlins in the 15-4 rout, Cody Ross thanked his former team by driving in four and Jeffrey Loria managed to not fire Joe Girardi for yet another game (Loria is a close second to Angelos as my least favorite owner in baseball...just thought you'd want to know). By the way, the Marlins are only 6 back in the NL wild card race and just might be clueless enough to make this interesting. Apropo of nothing...Dan Uggla!
Mr. Leyland, please take the Marlboro out of your mouth and put up the four fingers. I realize the autistic guy hitting behind David Ortiz can do some damage as well, but you simply cannot pitch to him...ever. The Red Sox managed to avoid a sweep at the hands of the Tigers last night, winning at Fenway 6-4. David Wells got the win, Ortiz of course homered at a crucial time and Coco Crisp even got involved from the leadoff spot. And I'm not one to point any fingers, but that Pudge Rodriguez fella looks like he's auditioning for the Grand Rapids summer stock production of Philadelphia. Can we at least all agree to stop calling him Pudge?
V. 18 innings will do that to you
The only thing missing from the Cubs/Astros 18 inning affair Tuesday night were Cesar Cedeno, Bob Watson and the Bears (sorry to sound like Mr. Simmons there). Michael Barrett, who won the game with his sixth inning homer, is having a tremendous year, hitting .325 for hapless Chicago (not too shabby for a catcher not named Mauer). The good news for the Astros in their 1-0 loss to the Cubbies: Brad Lidge didn't blow a save. The bad news: the 'Stros score runs about as often as this girl eats. Amazingly, the Cubs are 35-27 against their division...and a brutal 17-41 against everyone else.
[Any resemblance to Deadspin's "The Closer" segment is completely coincidental...as long as coincidental still means "intentional and shameless"]
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Jalen Rose (6'8", 215) - Absolutely the Nico Toscani (Above the Law) of this group. Jalen's the oldest and wisest of the boys, he's made the most noise in his career, and I'm betting he's kicked the most ass (statistically and perhaps literally as well). Much like Jalen, Nico emerged first, a bright star in his field (the field being generic Chicago/NY cop/detective)...able to run like a freaking girl for miles despite the pot belly AND break people's arms in an extremely cool fashion (seriously, when you first saw that move, you were blown away...admit it). Above the Law was easily Seagal's best work, and I think Jalen deserves this...after all he's stuck on the fucking Knicks. Plus, I sensed a real Nico/Zagon animosity between Jalen and Larry Brown.
Quentin Richardson (6'6", 230) - Gotta be Hard to Kill's Mason Storm...mainly because I think Quentin's been in a coma his whole career. Bonus points here because Storm is described on IMDB as a "go it alone cop" and I'm pretty sure Q is one of the most shameless gunners the NBA's ever seen (though he does has stiff competition from two of his teammates).
Qyntel Woods (6'8", 220) - Resident headcase and avid dog lover, Qyntel is perfectly cast as John Hatcher (Marked for Death). You remember, the movie where Seagal has to stop a Jamaican drug ring from ruining he and Keith David's neighborhood (this was during the time when Jamaican drug lords were THE bad guys in Hollywood). You telling me Qyntel wouldn't jump at the chance to visit Jamaica and kill Screwface in his extremely smoky lair?
Renaldo Balkman (6'8", 208) - A forgotten Seagal classic, Seagal plays NYPD detective Gino Felino in Out for Justice. Isiah's improbable 2006 first round pick is being forced into this role by me...mainly because I was running out of decent Seagal flicks and couldn't make fun of Knick SFs without mention of this soon-to-be epic disaster. Plus, I'm not sure which name is funnier, Renaldo Balkman or Gino Felino?
Jared Jeffries (6'11", 240) - The latest addition to the overcrowded SF collection, I'm letting Jared have the role of Under Siege ass-kicker Casey Ryback, though I'm pretty sure Gary Busey would kick Jared's ass. Is anyone else up for pushing "Dark Territory"as Jeffries nickname? (not to be confused with Charlie Murphy's nickname "Darkness")
**I cannot confirm this, but it is rumored GTB and Wheelhouse visitor "Mayhugh" often yells this at random people throughout the workday. His secretary Frieda has not returned our calls.
Monday, August 07, 2006
*According to Wikipedia, the unusual spelling of Jhonny's first name can be attributed to a clerical error on his birth certificate. A clerical error he refuses to have changed.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Cleveland - Saturday, July 22
Jerry "The King" Lawler throws out the first pitch. I don't know about you, but I couldn't think of a better way to start a trip of this nature. Travis Hafner then proceeds to pummel Lawler with a 2x4 behind the mound. The Tribe destroy the Twins 11-0, which is pretty amazing given that it's Minnesota's only loss in their last 13 games. Up and coming rookie Jeremy "Golden" Sowers gets the W for Cleveland and hunky Grady Sizemore (huh?) leads the offensive attack. Dennis informs me via text he's downed a sausage (presumably not Michael's) and 4 beers by the 2nd inning. The boys end the night perusing the "Ladies of Rock" exhibit at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Cincinnati - Sunday, July 23
Dennis and Michael hit the Queen City next, with "Mill-e-wah-que" in town. The Reds manage to lose to Tomo Ohka ("What's he, like 45? I could hit him") and the Brew Crew 4-1. However, in a strange twist of fate, Dennis gets to see GTB fav Danny Knob return to his role as Brewers closer...with Derrick Turnbow immediately being sent down to Fraggle Rock. The fellas finish the night downing brews with two local DJs who go by the names Dr. Johnny Fever and Venus Fly Trap.
Chicago (White Sox) - Monday, July 25 (I think...could've been Tuesday's game)
Michael informs me via text they have seats right behind the White Sox bullpen. I inform Michael he needs to immediately start tossing pieces of hot dog at the svelte Bobby Jenks. I guess it doesn't matter whether they were at Monday or Tuesday's game, because Chicago managed to blow both of them, and is in complete freefall right now. The impending Ozzie Guillen explosion is going to be AWESOME. Lance Bass better watch out. After being overserved, Dennis and Michael storm the field, perform the "Dance of Joy" in CF (much to Jermaine Dye's delight), and manage to escape before security can treat them like the second coming of the esteemed Ligue Dynasty.
Milwaukee - Wednesday, July 26
Pittsburgh, an unbelievable 12-40 on the road coming in, manages to beat Chris Capuano and the Brewers 8-4 (Jason Bay, who is fucking awesome, leads the way for the Pirates). Dennis manages to punch Bud Selig in the face. Somehow during the game the boys run into friends of a guy we once knew, "Noonan", otherwise known as Joyner's gay lover. I will definitely need alot more than a three word text message to explain that one. Much to the chagrin of Dennis' wife, the boys end the evening on a double-date at Pizza Bowl with two chicks from the bottling plant down the street.
I have no clue what the next game on the slate is...it might be Cubs/Cards today...all I know is I'm jealous...
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Did you hear that Pee-Wee declined representation?
He figures he can get himself off
Do you know who Pee-Wee's insurance company is?
All-State, the good-hands people
Did you hear about the new Pee-Wee Herman doll?
It pulls its own string
So endeth our first installment of "This Day in History". We'll be back soon enough with all our N.A.S.A and Joey Buttafuocco jokes. And perhaps even an update from "Dennis and Michael's Excellent Adventure". Oh yeah, Happy Independence Day to all you Liberians out there...
Friday, July 21, 2006
Dennis and Michael Jack begin the magical misery tour tomorrow morning bright and early...wish us luck. Here's hoping we manage to not only capture the sights and sounds of the nation's past time, as seen through the eyes of the Heartland, but also perhaps the world-record for drunk text/voice messages sent in a 7 day period.
Likely progression of events: