Friday, April 21, 2006

"How many assholes do we have on this ship, anyway?"

We're bringing back a GTB Friday favorite today, a quick glance at the world of sports through the eyes of an 80's classic, Mel Brooks' Spaceballs (and to save Drew the effort of filling up the comments section, yes, this entire concept is stolen from Bill Simmons - my version is just much shorter and less funny)...

"Merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt, Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower...the kids love this one"...but apparently not as much as folks love Duke Lacrosse merchandise. They can't keep the stuff on the shelves down in Durham - sales are 3 to 4 times the norm (it should be noted the apparel simply says "Duke Lacrosse" on it, and the women's team is #1 in the country, so that could be why people are buying it...ah, never mind, no one's buying that for a second) Seriously, how long before we see a Duke Lacrosse jersey in a rap video? In other news, local sporting goods store Dick's Sporting Goods is living up to its name by pulling all Duke Lacrosse merchandise...Greg Garber probably told them that was the proper thing to do.

"Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!"...UCLA sophomore guard Jordan Farmar has declared for the NBA Draft, but has wisely not hired an agent in case it doesn't quite work out the way he thought (he does have Yoghurt on speed dial for moral support). I saw some of Farmar this season, and unless I missed something, this seems like a bizarre move.

"I bet she gives great helmet"...I'm looking at you, Mrs. Jim Bowden...

"So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! The kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!"...Actually, the Bowden family gets two this week, because there is no dumber GM out there, and yes, I'm including Allaird "Captain of the Titanic" Baird in Kansas City. No need for me to list Bowden's recent moves, did all the hard work for me. Is there any doubt this guy was loaded for the Brian Lawrence deal?

"Oh, my God. It's Mega Maid. She's gone from suck to blow"...I think that pretty much sums up Barry Bonds' season so far. And after mistakenly watching 30 seconds of that sycophant on that joke of a show of his, here's hoping it gets 10,000 times worse. And screw ESPN for airing that crap...I'd rather watch those lunatics on the paintball show.

"Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed"...Sloth Shelton would have been a perfect fit here, but I'd say we exhausted that topic the other day. You want ludicrous, how about Julio Franco hitting a HR last night at the ripe old age of 47. The Jack LaLanne of MLB is the oldest player to ever hit a HR, a record he is sure to break next year, and possibly in 2008 as well. As Mel Allen used to say, "How About That!"

"They've gone to plaid!"...I had a Rob Neyer joke in here somewhere, and the attempt was going to be some sort of Neyer-esque VORP or Win Shares breakdown (yikes, now it seems like I'm swiping from Whit too), but then I ate a huge turkey sandwich for lunch and threw in the towel. So, much like when you watch Sunday Night Baseball, you won't be getting any expert statistical analysis here.

"When will then be now? Soon"...The "then" in question is the Kansas City Poop being the worst team in the modern era of baseball. And it's coming alot sooner than you think...2-12 to start the year, 10 straight losses, and absolutely no end in sight. 46 runs scored on the year, 99 runs given up. Their opponents are hitting .305 on the year and slugging .508. This team is losing 120 games easy, and don't think for a second 130 losses is out of the question. GTB will be tracking two things all summer - the meteoric rise (and possible fall) of Sloth Shelton, and KC's Kwest for All-Time Ineptitude. Stay tuned.

"Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money"...A special tip of the cap to Allen Iverson and Chris Webber for showing up 5 minutes before tip-off the other night and not even sitting on the bench with their team, on what just happened to be fan appreciation night in Philly. This got very little press, because really, is anyone surprised by this type of behavior from pro athletes, especially these two? Still, maybe you should let the coach know ahead of time you planned to completely shirk your responsibilities. I have no love for Philadelphia or its fans, but it's still a dick move...

And finally, just for the hell of it...

"Man, we ain't found shit!"

Monday, April 17, 2006

"Ruth! Ruth! Baby! Ruth!"

I can't think of a better way to break the seal on the 2006 Major League baseball season...let's help all those poor bums in Detroit (I'm looking at you Dumbo Albom) find a REAL nickname for the breakout star of the 2006 season, Christoper Bob Shelton. No more of this "Big Red" or "Red Pop" or "Red Bull" nonsense (hell, a soccer team already stole the Red Bull name)...

How do we properly honor a guy who has already hit 9 home runs in his team's first 13 games, is batting .471 AND is slugging an astronomical 1.216 on the young season? (and yes, let's all completely ignore the fact some guy named Pujols is pretty much doing the exact same thing in the NL, and it's so routine for him people don't even flinch). This guy has 24 hits on the season, and 17 are for extra bases. He's had 8 mult-hit games already. His OBP is a Bondsian .500 (I promise, that's my only Bonds reference for awhile, because not only is he the worst human being on the face of the Earth, but he is also KILLING my NL-only fantasy team). OK, let me take my Rob Neyer hat off...on to the nickname...

Sometime last season, long before he became some hybrid Bob Hamelin/Dave Kingman HR-hitting machine, Baseball Tonight flashed Shelton's mug on the screen, and only one image flashed in my mind...think 1985 tale of misfits, desperately searching for "One-Eyed" Willy's lost treasure in order to save their parents house...think dark, dungy basement...think Rocky Road...that's right folks, stand and applaud if you want for the 2006 AL MVP, Chunk's best friend, and GTB's Athlete of the Week, Chris "Sloth" Shelton...

"Sloth love Leyland..."

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

"Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling..."

It should probably read, "Fuck it, Bus, let's go bowling..." In what should surprise no one, former Steelers running back and 400 pound behemoth Jerome Bettis is apparently a big time bowler...apparently the only requirement needed to be inducted into the celebrity wing of the Bowling Hall of Fame. Actually, those hoighty toighty bowlers call it the International Bowling Museum & Hall of Fame. My apologies to Dick Weber Jr.

In case you're a celebrity (who I guess googled your own name and ended up here...Drew Lachey, is that you?) and are hoping to gain entrance into this prestigious Institute, from what I can gather these are the criteria for admission**:
- Have an affinity for bowling
- Claim to have bowled your whole life
- Gain great pleasure and enjoyment from the sport

Don't believe me? Executive Director John Bergland on why Bettis was an easy choice as the first inductee:
"Two things. One, he's an outstanding bowler," Bergland said. "Number two, he has great passion for the sport and he regularly promotes it."

Hell, I took bowling for credit in college (and you wonder why the writing is so suspect), I enjoy any "sport" where beer drinking is prominently involved and I'm always trying to hit the lanes (just not on the Shabbos, Donny). Can I petition for a spot next to Jerome?

**OK, it does say in the article Bettis has bowled a 300 game and mantains a 200 average...maybe he is the perfect charter member, but facts don't usually jive well with my rambling (though I'm betting Tom Arnold or Andy Richter might be great choices as well)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Time circuits on...Flux Capacitor...fluxing...engine running...

Well, it's a shitty Friday outside, and I'm only here for a half-day, so I thought I'd provide you with the most riduclous story I've seen this week on the interweb. Apparently, a chiropractor in Columbus, Ohio claims he can treat anyone by "reaching back in time to when an injury occurred." I guess these crazy claims finally warranted the attention of the state's regulators, and the chiropractor in question, Dr. Emmet Brown, has some 'splaining to do. Below, the charges against him, and the good doc in his own words, because I couldn't even make shit this stupid up:

The Ohio State Chiropractic Board, in a notice of hearing, has accused James Burda of Athens of being "unable to practice chiropractic according to acceptable and prevailing standards of care due to mental illness, specifically, Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type." Burda denied that he is mentally ill. He said he possesses a skill he discovered by accident while driving six years ago.

"My foot hurt and, knowing anatomy, I went ahead and I told it to realign and my pain went away," Burda said Thursday.

Burda calls his treatment "Bahlaqeem." "It is a made-up word and, to my knowledge, has no known meaning except for this intended purpose. It does, however, have a soothing vibrational influence and contains the very special number of nine letters," Burda's Web site says.

Here's hoping the Libyans finish what they started this time...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Happy Slappy Birthday, Tom...

This is Gheorghe wishing you bountiful birthday blessings on your return from Hades. And congratulations on making it out of your 20's...we all new you could do it. Most of us, anyways...