Saturday, August 24, 2013

It's Your Saturday, Not Your Lawn's

You ladies wanna see my lawn?
My family is tending our very first garden this summer, a 4x8' raised bed featuring tomatoes, cucumber, eggplant, green peppers, and a wide variety of herbs. With the exception of a pair of bewilderingly unproductive summer squash plants, our little plot has thrived. We eat something from our crop with nearly every dinner, and it sure looks like we'll have more tomatoes than we'll know what to do with in a few weeks.

All of this mini-farming has me spending a lot of time online these days seeking advice and ideas on all things green. In the past week, an inspired article caught my eye.

In addition to edible plants, I'm also fairly adept at growing things that cover my lawn. Is it my fault that many of these things aren't what mainstream suburbanites typically consider 'grass'? Crabgrass is green. Clover is green. Chives are green. Why the fuck are you looking down your nose at me because I don't give a rat's ass about your perfect zoysia carpet? Who do I look like, George Toma?

Now, thanks to the giant brains at Scientific American, I've got ammunition.

Author Ferris Jabr (note: may not be a real person, given that name) bought a new home last year, and set to creating the perfect American greenscape. Until he stood back and asked these critical questions:
Surveying my garden, my impulse to rip up a flowering cluster of so-called weeds and replace it with a monochromatic mat now struck me as somewhat selfish and completely uninspired. Given a plot of land beside one’s house to use as one wishes, why turn so much of it into a lawn? Why must a lawn consist solely of uber-green, short-cropped, nearly identical blades of grass? What is a lawn anyways?
Jabr goes on to answer the latter question with a deeply researched history of the American lawn. What was once symbolic of great wealth became a societal norm with the advent of the first planned communities in the late 1940s. Since then, an entire industry has arisen to goad us into believing that we're less than men if we can't grow and maintain lush turf, and HOAs across the land exist to ensure that we conform, or else. (Not mine, though. I'm the President. Because I don't want to live in a place with lawn nazis.)

The lawn of my dreams
But according to Jabr, "...the consequences of our obsession with pristine grass lawns may undercut any benefits. In addition to depriving both native pollinators and honeybees of wild habitat and food—and thereby threatening our agricultural system—lawncare guzzles water, spews smog and soaks the earth in potentially harmful chemicals."

In fact, Jabr continues, "A conventional lawn is also a complete perversion of grass’s typical life cycle."

His solution, and that of a growing number of scientists: flowering swards of low-growing broadleaf plants. As soon as I figure out what that sentence means, and convince my wife that I'm not a complete lunatic, I'll never mow a lawn again.

40 comments:

Marls said...

I'm feeling not so great this am.

Marls said...

No Judge Smails photo? For shame.

zman said...

I just tended the shit out of my lawn. Should have read this first. Flowering swards sounds like a euphemism for something you'd find in the east Village. I'm looking into getting some pachysandra in the front yard to replace the swath of mulch that contains artillery fungus that peppers my house, lawn furniture, and cars with immovable mold spores. That might constitute a low-growing broadleaf plant, unsure if it's a sward though.

Shlara said...

Teej's meltdown on twitter about the drive from Arlington to Fredricksburg mirrors mine from yesterday. If I wasn't the driver, I would have posted a similiar string of angry tweets. Worst stretch of road, evah.

Mark said...

From the last post because I'm turning into that guy who comments on the old posts frequently: Warren Sapp's alma mater, the Apopka Blue Darters, about to play on ESPN. Football! It's high school but its still football.

Mark said...

Apopka trivia: What current NFL player and former first round pick is also a former Apopka Blue Darter?

T.J. said...

Apopka QB is a family thing, eh? Pops only allows sons to run his team.

Mark said...

He's committed to Nebraska so it's not like he's a bum.

Clarence said...

I just learned a new slang term: the vanilla stripe. NSFW

Mark said...

/googles

Mark said...

Taint. Gooch. Grundle.

Whitney said...

Skins/ Bills!! Z, care to make it interesting?

No, seriously, anything to make this "game" at all interesting. We are hosting a bunch of people -- including FOGTBs Vicky and Cricket -- for wings and beer, and still the game is without any aspects of interest.

Danimal said...

Tell vickster and crickster danimal said, wassup.
Gave up the lawn maintenance thing 2 years ago. People here take the lawn aesthetics too far, and I simply couldn't compete. Prior though, lived in Pinehurst where it is totally acceptable to have an entire yard of pinestraw. Ironically, it is grass that we would try and kill if it began to grow.
Heading to Iggles/Jags here momentarily. It will be halfway interesting bc we are playing the Eagles.

Mark said...

I mowed my own lawn and those of several neighbors growing up. I promised myself I wouldn't mow my lawn as an adult. So I don't and I don't plan on starting.

No takers on Apopka Football trivia?

Mark said...

CJ Spiller's step grandfather killed two people and injured two others in a shooting in Union County, FL this morning. Then he killed himself. Don't think I'd be able to play in a preseason game if I was him. Then again, maybe a few hours of football is exactly what he needs.

Mark said...

Mike Tyson's admission that he's been lying about being sober and is an active and hardcore alcoholic really bums me out. I guess I shouldn't be surprised but I was and I don't want Mike Tyson to die soon.

rob said...

the redskins' brandon meriwether was a blue darter, so says wikipedia. and so was zack grienke. pretty sure they partied together.

zman said...

Hopefully Tyson is lying and trying to get attention for his new boxing promotion company.

zman said...

I will bet you a case of beer that the Skins will win.

Mark said...

Brandon Meriweather was the answer. But Rob cheated. Jerk.

rob said...

nobody had a chance at that one, mark. i just did what nobody else had the courage to do. or energy. probably energy.

Mark said...

You're right, Rob. It wasn't a very fair question. None of you have been to Apopka. Nor should you. I've been once. Don't plan on returning.

Mark said...

I went up to the corner bar. Their is a guy a couple seats from me basically yelling his conversation. And his conversation is about WWE. Kill me.

Mark said...

I know I'm desperate for football if I'm watching high school football but Booker T. Washington (Miami) vs Norcross (GA) is about as good as high school football gets. #1 & 6 ranked teams in the country, respectively.

zman said...

I bet Booker T and the MG's HS could beat the Bills.

Mark said...

Zman's got jokes.

Mark said...

So about that Booker T-Norcross game. Not so good. Booker T is kicking the shit out of Norcross. up 41-0.

Mark said...

It's now 54-0. In the 3rd quarter. This is beyond ugly.

rob said...

the #6 team in the country is losing by half a century? doesn't say much for the people who rank such things.

Mark said...

USC was the #1 ranked team in CFB in the preseason last year.

rob said...

more evidence that ranking bodies can't be trusted

Mark said...

Indeed. I hope TJ got to watch the Jets tonight.

T.J. said...

Fucking losers. 2-14 if they're lucky.

Danimal said...

Bobby Riggs threw his match against Billie Jean King? Pretty good story this a.m on OTL.

Mr KQ said...

Saw some of it. Totally buying it. The easy serves and returns into the middle/bottom of the net were telling. Seems slim shady.

rob said...

clint dempsey makes his home debut with seattle tonight at 10:00 est.

Mark said...

My favorite part of the Riggs story is the heavy involvement of the Tampa mafia. Tampa really is one of the most underrated shady cities in America.

zman said...

Every time I burp it tastes like Markers Mark and blue Gatorade.

Danimal said...

Were you mixing Gatorade and Maker's.
Mark who won the Plantation game? Watched most of 1st half but then had to do stuff that involved fathering.

Mark said...

I didn't see, Dan. I did, however, just see a fairly close up shot of Chris Christie's FUPA being restrained by his khaki pants at the LLWS. Wish I could unsee that now.