Friday, April 29, 2005

You guys playing cards?

Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode...And every spring, the Celtics fail to win a road playoff game, the latest example being the absolute implosion in Indiana last night (BOOM! Reggie Miller). It's been said before, but it bears repeating - the rookies can't guard Reggie. Sure, physically they can, because he's old as dirt, but Reggie is abusing them off screens, and the refs love Reggie...Tony Allen and Delonte West don't have a chance. Sidebar: When you're making Ricky Davis look sane and functional there is something seriously wrong, Antoine Walker (there is sure to be a suspension here...notch up a big L for Game 4). As I told Jerry the other day, SG got this series very wrong.

Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude...Is that what Mr. Cruise is looking for in Ms. Holmes? Or is he looking to finally convert one of his gal pals to his freaky cult religion? I'm sorry, but I can't belong to a religion that gives us Battleship Earth. Electing the religion's leader via smoke clouds? Yep, sign me up (what's that you say? I belong to that one? Oh right, silly me). But Travolta looking like a third-rate Klingon? No chance. (perhaps the Klingon reference is a bit much for my readership)

The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me...Or, in this case, that foot is President George W. Bush crushing the hopes and dreams of the future Mrs. Simspon by pre-empting the OC last night. There's only 4 episodes left people! She needs her OC! (I was gonna do some sort of "Big Toe" Sgt. Hulka joke here, but that would be crossing the streams, and as Egon has told us many times, crossing the streams would be very bad)

They took the bar! The whole fucking bar!...I don't even have something for this. It's simply the best line in the movie, and it needs to be included. Perhaps this is the right place to mention this. Oh man, if The Wilk has any Paul Shirley in him, this might be entertaining.

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son...Well look at that, I didn't even have to reach for a quote to attach to John Rocker. Rocker is apparently back in baseball, pitching for the Long Island Ducks of the independent Atlantic League. And, as we all had hoped, his debut was a debacle. Rocker walked four batters in the ninth inning and lost 4-3 to the Bridgeport Bluefish. Welcome back jackass.

What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...Dead. Schilling, dead. Yankees...not dead yet, despite their first losing April in a decade. (I think, I sent my fact checker to get me coffee) This team is getting old very fast, but I am not about to write them off in April, as some actual sports writers are doing. I simply do not believe the Orioles are going to win 95 games and beat out both the Red Sox and Yankees and win the AL East. And please don't get me started on the White Sox and their crazy-ass manager. That team is a .500 team at best. Lock it up. They start Jose Contreras AND El Duque for god sakes. Those two guys are the Cuban equivalent of Statler and Waldorf. (and if you don't get that, well, I can't help you)

May I have ten thousand marbles, please?...Sounds like something Michael Jackson might say. You do all realize he's gonna get off, right? (pun very much intended)

How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein? How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?...It's still April, so I need to get one more shot in on Peter Angelos, that a-hole.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

SI disrespects The Tribe

Lang Campbell
Grade: 3.13
Position: QB Class: School: William & Mary Conference: Atlantic 10 Ht., Wt.: 6-2, 199 40 Time: 4.74

Grading System
BIO: Two-year starter and recipient of the 2004 Payton Award after passing numbers of 65.5 percent/3,988/30/5. All-Conference and All-America selection as a senior.

POSITIVES: Former walk-on who blossomed into one of the better small-school quarterbacks in the nation. Patient pocket passer who buys time for receivers and displays solid arm strength. Sets up with good footwork, accurate between the numbers, and leads receivers over the middle. Zips the intermediate throws and puts air under corner routes. Looks off the safety and possesses a quick release.

NEGATIVES: Directs throws and only average pass placement outside of twenty yards. Short arms his motion. Stares down primary targets from the get-go and not averse to throwing in a crowd.

ANALYSIS: A productive passer who has an outstanding touchdown-to-interception ratio, Campbell lacks the pure size and arm strength to be anything other than a practice squad player.

PROJECTION: Undrafted Free Agent

How about a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up?

Curt Schilling needs to learn when to drone on and on about his courageous performances and when to simply keep his mouth shut. An entire Nation of sports fans have given Curt carte blanche to speak his mind, but I think these people forget what a loud mouth arrogant prick this guy is. What generated this early morning attack at Sir Curt (besides lack of coffee)? These asinine comments directed toward Devil Ray manager Lou Piniella, after yet another scrum between Piniella's hapless bunch and Schilling's Sox teammates:

"The problem is when you're playing a team with a manager who somehow forgot how the game is played, there's problems," Schilling said on a Boston radio station Tuesday. "This should have been over a little bit ago. Lou's trying to make his team be a bunch of tough guys, and the telling sign is when the players on that team are saying, 'This is why we lose 100 games a year, because this idiot makes us do stuff like this.' They [Rays players] said that on the field."

Mr. Schilling, Lou Piniella doesn't need me to defend him (mainly because he did a damn good job himself, see below), but I feel compelled to anyway because of your arrogance. Can't you keep your mouth shut? Having him on the DL only makes it worse - perhaps he has some grand plan to fix the country's Social Security problems. Don't worry, if he does, he'll let us know all about it.

Sweet Lou's response to fathead:

"Forget how the game is played? I have forgotten more baseball than this guy knows," Piniella said.
"On the idiot subject, I'm appalled he would actually say something like that. I had a meeting with my team and to a man they denied it. He's questioning my character and integrity and that is wrong. He's never played for me, never really spoken to me, so he really doesn't know what I stand for.
"If I were Curt, I would be really embarrassed at the cheap shot he took and get the story correct. I'll tell you I've always admired his pitching ability and competitiveness, but I can honestly tell you I've lost a lot of respect for him. I'm looking forward to talking to Curt myself and get this matter cleared up," he said.

And Squirrel, before you get on your high horse (ladder-aided of course) to defend your post-season was Gordon Matthew Sumner last night? Did he open with Fields of Gold?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Recipe for a great day.


1. Hangover from 6-9 Miller Lites at the Nats game
2. Broken coffee machine in company break room
3. PCS phone.

Cooking instructions:

Stir first two ingredients until thoroughly mixed. Drop PCS phone into toilet while taking morning shit until fully soaked/covered. Blend two mixtures together under high heat. Add salt to taste. Enjoy.

Never Fear, My Favorite Punchline Is Here

CANTON, Ohio - The City Council is considering renaming a street for the O'Jays, and the move has been revised to avoid confusing the honor with O.J. Simpson.
Councilman Thomas West has proposed renaming a portion of Mahoning Road in tribute to the singing group that got their start in Canton. The council discussed the idea Monday night and could vote next month.
One business was concerned that people would think the street was named after Simpson, acquitted of the 1994 murders of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend, Ron Goldman. West agreed to change the request to The O'Jays Boulevard instead of O'Jays Boulevard.
The O'Jays, whose songs include "Back Stabbers," "Love Train" and "For the Love of Money," were inducted last month into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

I've already sent an email to the higher-ups in Latham, NY demanding Pershing Drive (otherwise knows as the home to Casa de Simspon) be renamed O.J. Simpson Lane.

- The catch by the Wichita State kid (Go Shockers!) last night was absolutely insane. The fact that college kids still use aluminum bats is also absolutely insane. How has some poor 3B not died yet?

- I know everyone is dying to know who won Nashville Star, and I'm here to tell you - 18 year old Erika Jo. She beat some Buddy Holly-looking donkey and some other guy from Oklahoma. Good for her. However, I need to discuss this Cowboy Troy guy, who performed last night in the show's opening. Who the hell is this guy? Is that Olden Polynice dressed as a cowboy?

- A-Rod, wow...Nice work. You reminded me of Mark Whiten last night. Apparently, all the Yankees need to do is score double digit runs a game, and they'll be all set. Speaking of scoring tons of runs every game, how about those Orioles? Man can they mash. I think we are going to have a very nice three team race this summer in the AL East (yes, I am dismissing Toronto and Tampa Bay, sue me)

- The odds of Dewon Brazelton ever winning a game on the road (he is 0-13 in his first 17 road starts) are about the same as Butt not being hungover today.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Sammy's No Liar

Let's be honest, everyone knows he lied about the corked bat incident. Everyone knows he lied about steroid abuse. Everyone knows he lied about sneezing so hard he needed to go on the DL. Until yesterday morning around 9:00 A.M., Dennis was part of that vast majority on all three counts. No more. He is a believer now. After rolling out of bed to get ready for the noon Golf Tournament at St. Andrews AFB (Yes, I known, these hours!! It's the King - he's repressing us all!), your humble author let out a pollen-infested blast nearly knocking him to the floor. It's still unclear how the little man with the knife got into the bedroom, but there he was, standing at attention, stabbing poor Dennis in the back the very moment the sneeze erupted.

There's no way that bat was corked on purpose. Sammy said so.

Ouch. Leaning over to type hurts very much.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K

I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire and I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan...together, we're WYLD STALLYNS...To Gilbert Arenas and Larry Hughes, who I am openly rooting for to lead the Wiz to a first round playoff victory over the Bulls (and by the way, can we stop calling them the Baby Bulls? Who came up with that, Wilbon?). Arenas and Hughes will need to dominate Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich on both ends if the Wiz are to win the series.

It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude"...To Christian Guzman, who not only cost the Nationals the game yesterday afternoon, but also cost John Patterson a much needed win for my fantasy team. At this point in the season, I wouldn't trade a bottle of Paul Newman's Balsamic Vinaigrette for Guzman and his .140 average (I had actually typed .160, then went to look it up, and go figure, this donkey is hitting even worse then .160)

You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!...I figured this was the right spot to take a shot at Peter Angelos. What a dickweed.

OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of? 69, dudes...Whoa...For anyone who knows me, this is the line in the movie that always gets me, no matter how many times I watch. 69 dudes...I'm cracking up right now typing this.

Uh, Ms. Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our... friends...this is Dave Beeth Oven...and, uh, Maxine of Arc, Herman the Kid, Bob "Genghis" Khan, So-crates Johnson, Dennis Frood...and uh, uh...Abraham Lincoln...To the North Carolina mass exodus, a list of names almost as distinguished as those referenced above. Sean May, Raymond Felton, Rashad McCants, and most likely Marvin Williams are all leaving Chapel Hill early for the NBA. I will be very curious to see how Roy Williams does next year without these guys.

You ditched Napoleon. Do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas...He was a dick...Hey Peter Angelos, I'm looking right at you. Well, actually, I need to look down to look at you, but you get my point.

Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?...To Pedro Martinez, who has jumped back into the conversation of best pitchers of all time after jumping back to the National League. Pedro looked absolutely dominant again last night. Plus he's quirky as all get out.

Everything is different, but the same... things are more moderner than before... bigger, and yet smaller... it's computers... San Dimas High School football rules...To tomorrow's NFL Draft, the best damn reality show on television. Here's to Mel Kiper's hair and Chris Berman's ego.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

If you thought yesterday’s post was trivial...

…just wait ‘til you get a load of this:

* All right, I’ll say it, the new Mix 107.3 is fantastic. I was treated to a Murderer’s Row of Tone Loc, Fine Young Cannibals (FYC to all you hipsters out there) and Bon Jovi in one 15 minute stretch the other night. Too bad the new musical selections can’t keep Jack Diamond from being the biggest douchebag on the planet.

* Ah yes, the Michael Jackson case. Just when you thought you couldn’t be grossed out enough by that freak Jacko, this comes out…
In a bombshell motion filed in closed court, prosecutor Tom Sneddon has obtained testimony from a former Neverland security guard - a guard who claims he fetched Vaseline for an aroused King Of Pop! In 1993: "Jackson called Abdool and asked him to go to Jackson's car and get a jar of Vaseline from the center console of the vehicle and bring it to his bedroom. Chacon and Abdool opened the unlocked door of the black SUV, retrieved the Vaseline and headed for Jackson's bedroom. When Jackson opened the door to his bedroom, Jackson was wearing only his pajama bottoms, appeared sweaty, aroused and Abdool observed Jackson to have an erection under his pajama bottoms. There was a young boy, who he believed was Jordie, in the bedroom with Mr. Jackson.”

May Michael Jackson burn in hell…

* Well, at least they’ve started the season on a tear, oh wait…The New York Yankees will be hit with a record luxury tax this year - Initial projections by the commissioner's office based on opening-day rosters have the Yankees owing $30,637,531. What the Yankees are paying in luxury tax is more than the entire payroll of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. The only other team projected to owe a tax (no surprise here) is the World Series champion Boston Red Sox, who would pay $969,177.

* The NBA Playoffs have arrived, and the Boston Celtics are in serious trouble against a very motivated and very talented (even without nutty Ron Artest) Indiana Pacers team. I just have this strange feeling that “Boom” Reggie Miller is gonna want to go out in style, and the Celts will be victim #1 in Round 1. The chances of me screaming obscenities at Antoine Walker Saturday night around 9pm – 100%.

* Anyone else have an inkling this might occur…Patrick Ewing Jr. is transferring from Indiana…to Georgetown, to play for JT3. So far, I can only liken the disparity in talent between father and son to Men at Work star Emilio Estevez and not-so-proud papa Martin Sheen.

* I had some frosted blueberry Pop Tarts this morning for the first time in years, and I’ll tell you what, they were god damned delicious. And nutritious.

* Wow, first Dolce & Gabbana, and now this:
NEW YORK (AP) - Paris Hilton is hot ... over something Nicole Richie did. But the hotel heiress isn't saying what's behind the feud with her co-Simple Life' star. "It's no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends,'' Hilton said in a statement Wednesday. "Nicole knows what she did, and that's all I'm ever going to say about it.''

* I guess anyone can be an internet writer…

April 20, 2005

Hello Fans,
Last week I went to Los Angeles for the Dodgers home opener. It was a real positive week for me, especially in my rehab. I would like to thank the fans in LA for the warm welcome -- ha ha! On Wednesday, I returned to my city, San Francisco. Thursday and Friday, Harvey, Tony and I walked the hill and the beach for the first time. Afterwards, we went to the ball park where I did my normal icing, sit-ups and leg strengthening exercises on my left leg. Right now, I can't do too much on my right leg.

My spirits were really high on Saturday after I did a little work in the Swim-Ex. I was able to do some much-needed cardio, which was very encouraging. On Sunday, I did the same thing. I made another step forward in improving the strength in my leg and my knee on Monday the 18th. It's a slow process, but nothing means more to me than being out on the field with my teammates, so I have to do my best to get healthy. I would much rather be on the field entertaining the fans than doing rehab.

Some fans were asking about what I do after rehab. My day starts at 6 a.m. and I finish with rehab around 12 or 1 p.m. I then go home and take a nap. After I wake up, I eat and take care of baseball-related work. This also involves answering emails, which I have a lot of fun doing. Right now, I'm taking the time to answer fan mail because once I get back on the field, my free time will be nonexistent! In between all the business, I talk with my family -- they are the most important thing in my life. Another hobby I really enjoy is exploring my creative side in the area of digital painting. Jeremy Sutton, the author of Painter IX Creativity, is working with me. Jeremy, Tony and I are working on some design pieces which will be incorporated into the new website design, that is coming soon.

Barry Bonds

P.S. I hate all of you (OK, so I made that part up)

* I think I tore my sack…Cubs shortstop Nomar Garciaparra was placed on the 15-day disabled list on Thursday due to a torn left groin. Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal said the muscle pulled away from the bone (OUCH!), the Chicago Tribune reports. Garciaparra and Cubs doctors are expected to make a decision in regards to surgery sometime in the next ten days - the initial report says he'll miss two-to-three months.

Enter At Your Own Risk

It appears the ASS is a regular accident waiting to happen ... watch out for deaf ree-ree's and low railings . . . I hope ol' Gheorghe has supervision at all times if he ever decides to catch a game.

WASHINGTON -- A man was critically injured when he fell from the top level of RFK Stadium after the Atlanta Braves- Washington Nationals game Wednesday night.

The 35-year-old man, whose identity was not immediately revealed, fell from a ramp on the 500 level of the stadium, hit several ramps and railings on the way down and landed on the concourse of the 100 level, said Alan Etter, District of Columbia Fire and Emergency Medical Services spokesman.

A witness said the man was looking over a railing before he fell.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

I'll have what he's having

Look at these numbers:
.421 BA, .507 OBP, 6 HR, 17 RBI, 16 R, 6 SB

These are the stats through 14 games of Orioles 2B Brian Roberts (all 5'9", 178 lbs. of him). Any other year, the steroid jokes would be flying fast and furious at Mr. Roberts (as well as the obvious comparison to former juicer/flamer/Orioles lead-off hitter Brady Anderson). Howevah (said in my Scott Van Pelt imitating Stephen A. Smith voice), Roberts would have to be an absolute moron to be on the juice this year. Instead, (hopefully) Roberts is just a very pleasant spring surprise, as are his Orioles. My hated for Peter Angelos will probably limit my references to the O's throughout the season, but it's hard not to recognize Roberts for his incredible start to the season (plus it means I can ignore yet another Yankees loss to an inferior opponent). I mean, this is a guy whose career high in home runs is 5, and his career TOTAL is 18. Kudos to you, Brian Roberts. Perhaps this short read will lead Robert "Squirrel" Russell to hit a few long flies tonight in our Angry Men softball opener (and Rob, I mean long flies to the outfield, not the SS) .

By the way, if you haven't read this account of a recent entertaining trip to the ASS to see the Nats, you're really missing out.

MLB AARP Update: Frank Robinson is a spry 70 years old, while Jack McKeon is 75 years old. "Hmm.. Colon Blow. Sounds delicious. But is it really higher in fiber than my oat bran cereal?"

Hmmm, not what you want to hear on Day 1 of your Pope-ing:
REGENSBURG, Germany (AFP) - The brother of Pope Benedict XVI Georg Ratzinger, 81, said he was "very concerned" and "shocked" upon hearing that Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger had been elected as head of the Roman Catholic Church because of his age and frail health.
"I am very concerned. I would have thought his advanced age and his health which is not very stable would have been reason enough for the cardinals to pick someone else," said a visibly moved Georg in an interview on German television after the election of his 78-year-old brother.

Monday, April 18, 2005

What kind of plane is it?

Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains at the windows, wheels, and it just looks like a big Tylenol....

Some odds and ends from the weekend...
I forgot to mention this when writing about the Nats game, but what is the etiquette in the dugout when a guy is vying for the cycle? Is it the hush-hush no-hitter routine of not even mentioning it? I was thinking it's the exact opposite, especially when it's Vinny Castilla. "Yo Vinny, you realize you have a double, triple and homer right? Go hit for that cycle big boy." Then Vinny promptly gets plunked by some douchebag French reliever.

The 1st place team in the NL East...the Washington Nationals. Good for them, good for DC, good for me as they play 15 minutes away. My hope is they can stay in contention for at least half a season, mainly just to stick it to Peter Angelos. Have I mentioned how much I hate that guy?

Matt Doherty is going to be the coach at Florida Atlantic? He isn't qualified to coach a better club? No offense to Florida Atlantic (10-17 last year), but I would've thought Doherty would end up at a much higher profile program. The highlight of this hiring: Doherty plans on putting former Kansas star Rex Walters on his staff as an assistant coach.

Is Orioles radio man Joe Angel related in anyway to Pirates closer Joe Table?

To all those Deadwood fans out there, this is the best fucking site you'll ever see.

Who's 4-8 and dead last in the American League? That's right, my New York Yankees (tied with the Devil Rays and Royals). Everyone from SportsGuy to the a-hole three rows back on my flight wants to know when George is going to burst. Well, I think George has finally had it:
"Enough is enough. I am bitterly disappointed, as I'm sure all Yankee fans are, by the lack of performance by our team," Steinbrenner said in a statement issued immediately after the game. "It is unbelievable to me that the highest-paid team in baseball would start the season in such a deep funk. They are not playing like true Yankees. They have the talent to win and they are not winning. I expect Joe Torre, his complete coaching staff and the team to turn this around."

Friday, April 15, 2005

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Oh, I’m sorry, I wanted to give a recap of my trek to RFK last night (wait, it’s now called Armed Services Stadium…let’s give some credit to Geoff Butt, and all agree to call it The ASS from now on), but I am contractually obligated to discuss ad nauseam the Gary Sheffield/Fenway Fan scuffle. Blah Blah Blah…this ain’t Mike and Mike…let’s get to some Chocolate City ball.

(Can we pause for a moment to talk about how great the new job is? At 3:45 or so yesterday, I was herded up to our roof for beer and hot dogs and pretzels. Really? That’s how this works? Just wait ‘til I get that Diner’s Club card and go crazy…)

Baseball in DC...what could ever go wrong (Poor preparation? Nah, never happen). Now I am not here to put a negative spin on last night's festivities, because the ballgame and the atmosphere were simply amazing. I am simply here to mock the incompetence that is inherent in anything DC seems to do (especially when it comes to baseball).

Let’s table my bitching and moaning for a second to praise the Washington Nationals for a very solid W last night (and let’s praise Chris for getting us tickets, entertaining tickets in the Uecker seats – I could touch the wall of The ASS - that allowed me to see all the empty seats jackasses chose not to fill on the most historic baseball night in DC in a generation…sorry, that was a little Boswellian). I never expected to say this, but I saw a pretty decent team on the field last night. Livan Hernandez is an absolute workhorse, the top of the Nats lineup has some very dangerous lefties (including the second coming of Mickey Mantle, “The Wilk”), and the bullpen seems to have some live arms who don’t have CHOKE written all over them (John Franco, I’m looking at you buddy…speaking of Mr. Franco, I bet there are two very giddy Mets fans this morning after win number 4). I was pleasantly surprised by the stadium and what I viewed as a B+ environment for seeing a game (lots of spontaneous cheering, nobody throwing flares at goalies). The rickety old seats could use a facelift, and the stairs are a nightmare (even Swint’s feet are too big for these stairs), but all in all the stadium held up…

… (Here comes the bitching) You would’ve thought we were in downtown Calcutta with the amount of people inside and outside of the ballpark. Nowhere to move, nowhere to go, lines that never seemed to end. I mean, I wasn’t sure if I was on the Orange Line Metro coming to the game or a refugee train speeding out of some Middle Eastern country with refugee problems and refugee trains. And don’t even get me started about the people on the Metro…seriously, I was squeezed up against two guys having the worst sports conversation ever, much worse than any crap Mike and Mike throw out there (wow, those guys get mentioned twice in this post). The only saving grace to that conversation is the two donkeys sounded exactly like Mayhugh and Cleveland. Now that made me chuckle.

Tangent #1…The funniest thing about the lame CheerStix that were handed to us as we walked in isn’t that they’re called “CheerStix”; it’s the following instructions on the bag:
“To bang: Hold the CheerStix 12-18 inches apart and then slam them together.”
This is absolutely something I could here Greg saying to a girl at 4am on a Saturday night.

Back to the lines…of course we were outside The ASS well past 7:05, so W’s first pitch was missed by half the crowd, a crowd treated to some of the worst protest chants in the history of protest chants. Ironic given these folks were teachers…you would think they would’ve done some prep work between cigarettes and Red Bulls in the Teacher’s Lounge. Fast forward to making it to the seats just in time to see Livan throw the first pitch for the Natty’s, a strike to Craig Counsell…waited through the first hit by Nick Johnson (who is better than Giambi right now, no doubt)…then thought it was time for a brew and a dog. That’s when it happened – everyone donkey in the place was in a line, for something, and there were no ways around any lines, and people were getting antsy, and (wait for it) THEY RAN OUT OF EVERYTHING. HOT DOGS, PRETZELS, BEER…OH MY. This happened to me, and two others I was with – and they had waited for 30 minutes at least in line. What a debacle. People were openly cheering strangers who survived the 2 inning wait and made it back to their seats with any sort of food or drink. The hero of the night award goes to my cahort who returned after 2 full innings with 4 hot dogs – best damn hot dog ever. I’m pretty sure there are still people waiting in line this morning.

Tangent #2…Bama of the Week Week Week…Stupid Frenchman Lance Cormier beans Vinny Castilla in the 8th when he’s a single away from the cycle. The venom that ensued was AWESOME, and I only hope that sort of passion stays with DC fans for a long time. I wish I could find that Peter Angelos clip where he said DC had no real baseball fans. What an ass that guy is. I hope the Orioles draw nobody in the next 3 years and he has to sell that team.

Anyway, terrific game, terrific atmosphere, DC wasn’t quite ready (or maybe it was because Bushie was there), but whatever, it…was…awesome. As I left to take the Metro home, I began to see a very large crowd gathered. Are they waiting for players? Is a motorcade leaving? Nope…it was 3,000 people in line for the Metro. F that, I walked (briskly) through the “transitional” neighborhood (read: ghetto) next to The ASS, making it home in 15 minutes, in time to see the Sheffield incident referenced above (which you can be sure will be beaten into the ground for the next 3 days). I’m going back as soon as possible, who’s with me?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Calling You Out: Thomas Orenthal James Simspon

TJ, I am officially asking you to step it up over here at Gheorghe. Milhouse Van Houten the Simspons (sic)character is named after Richard Nixon's middle name and the spelling is only altered slighty. Your grasp on television minutia is slipping. Meanwhile, did you really just recap all of the recent posts? Is this a clip show?

Moreover, every site evolves over time, but you are steering this ship until November with Rob and me at MLC, so let's see something, dammit. Remember the guy who wrote:

I often enjoy your Leno-esque/Chuck Shepherd news of the Weird news reporting, but it has to be a segment among many, not a poor man's Smoking Gun blog. Put your oddly thorough knowledge of pop culture, your interesting twist on anything resembling fashion, and your bizarre antipathy toward anything with more than three ingredients and meld them together in a website that is Extreme TJ. Outline your diet for the week and tell us what classy ensemble you threw together today. Give out your bull-in-the-china-shop engagement period blunders. Rehash ancient yarns about The Old TJ, the guy who drank until he bled from the ears.

Be the blog, TJ, be the blog.

And Dennis, any more anti-Oriental comments and Jack Blapanese and I are going to pay you a little visit.

[By the way, my use of "Oriental" was tongue in cheek, but if that term really is actually offensive to people (who don't have dictionaries, since their interpreation of it defies all true English usage), isn't it just a matter of time before the PC Police deem "Asian" an offensive term because it's geared at the race of people formerly classified as Mongoloid (before that term came to mean Down's syndrome victim) and wholly ignores Asians like Indians, Middle Easterners, some Russians, and the oft-maligned Nepalese??? How abhorrently cruel to those people, really.]

But I digress. This post was meant to motivate TJ to take Gheorghe to a place that doesn't insult its namesake. I know he can do it. I would, but I'm too busy running another blog into the ground.

Everything is coming up Milhouse

It's Day 4 at the new gig, and I must say, things are going splendidly, minus the annoyance of Lotus Notes. Who are the ad wizards that came up with this? It is nice though to tell your new boss, "Yeah, I've gotten alot done; in fact, in the last 2 hours I figured out how to change the background color on my email." Yesterday, I was told I will be getting a Diner's Club card, and I immediately wondered outloud if I would be the only person under the age of 65 with one. I hear Telly Savalas will present the card to me as soon as he is done burning down Ving Rhames' house. Enough about the job - I am thoroughly pumped because I'm going to see the hometown Nats tonight in their RFK opener, and if I keep consumption levels low enough, I am hoping for a nice little recap tomorrow. Got Wilk?

Best Wiz Update of the Year:
Eastern Conference
1. z-Miami
2. y-Detroit
3. x-Boston
4. x-Chicago
5. x-Indiana
6. x-Washington
7. Cleveland
8. Philadelphia
9. New Jersey
And that wonderful "x" means the Wiz have clinched a Playoff Spot. I look forward to that case of Coors Light Mr. Laster.

Some housekeeping issues from below:
- Dennis hates Ichiro. I don't know why, but he does, and frankly, I have no problem with that. Hopefully Dennis can expand his hatred to all races and religions, not just Japanese singles hitters. Reach for the stars Dennis.

- Mr. Wilson posted a clip, a Mr. T clip, below, and if you haven't watched it yet, shame on you. Mr. T at his finest.

- Mr. Earls directed my attention to a RIDICULOUS story involving a former NFL kicker, and man oh man, it sure does have a hint of the insanity that was Ray Finkle. If Cole Ford changes his name to Lois Einhorn we have a problem.

Olden Polynice strikes again...
WINDERMERE, Fla. -- Police across the state are on the lookout for a man pretending to be the Windermere police chief. He's already pulled one woman over, but she managed to get away.
The chief of police in Windermere just put the "be on the lookout" alert in effect Wednesday afternoon. It seems this impersonator has pretended to be the chief before. But, last night, the man slipped up and his intended victim knew it.

Finally, in my capacity as Governor of Cheeseland, I decree...
MADISON, Wis. (AP) - A proposal to legalize the killing of feral cats is not going to succeed, Gov. Jim D said Wednesday.
"I don't think Wisconsin should become known as a state where we shoot cats," said D, a Democrat who neither hunts nor owns a cat. "What it does is sort of hold us up as a state that everybody is kind of laughing at right now."

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

0 for 4, donkey!

Dear Mr. Ichiro,

We regret to inform you that you are not, in fact, Joe DiMaggio. The greater American baseball media community will be posting letters of apology to the public in the near future for misleading them and misrepresenting you.

Warmest Regards,

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Mr. 8 Day Rental Strikes Again

July 2003 - Jerry Stackhouse of the Washington Wizards was charged with assault in a dispute over a rental contract for a home he was staying at on the North Carolina coast.

April 2005 - The on-court pushing, shoving and arguing that Dallas' Jerry Stackhouse and Utah's Kirk Snyder continued in a hallway after a recent game resulted Monday in a one-game suspension without pay for both players. The incident lasted less than a minute near the Jazz team bus following an 88-81 win by the Mavericks on Saturday night.

Jerry Stackhouse is a horrific a-hole.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking...Just a moment...

It's Day 1 of my new job. Anyone familiar with this Lotus Notes crap?

My lunch consisted of a sampler of Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers and Extreme Fajitas.

I still need to locate the most secluded restroom for dropping the Cosby kids off at the pool.

I need to make sure not to google "Naked Natalie Portman" for at least a week.

I need to wiggle my way into a Wiz luxury box for the playoffs.

And has anyone seen my Swingline stapler?

OK, so are they trying to make Philly fans look good?...GLASGOW, Scotland (AP) — Fans at a Scottish Cup soccer game jeered during a minute's silence for Pope John Paul II on Sunday, forcing the tribute to be cut short.

Um, is this for real?...DUBAI (Reuters) - The United Arab Emirates, under pressure to stamp out the use of children as camel jockeys, plans to introduce robot riders this year, newspapers said on Sunday.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

1:07pm First Pitch?

1:07? Stupid Canadians.

Boston (2-2) at Toronto (2-2)
Preview - Box Score - Recap
Game Info: 1:07 pm EDT Sat Apr 9, 2005 TV: NESN, RSN

- By the way, Lebron is throwing the season. NoreallyPeterVecseysaidso.

- This Celine Dion is something special.

- Are these all non sequiters ? Is there a dash in non sequiter?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Got Wilk?

Yes folks, that's a joke for 3. The Chocolate City Nats got themselves in the win column last night, their first of maybe 62, and CF Brad Wilkerson hit for the cycle (for the second time in his career). The Wilk has been favorably compared to The Mick by the Nats radio guys (idiots), who are also under the impression that Wilkerson doing spoof Got Milk ads would be the funniest thing in the history of mankind. I'm serious, it's well documented.

Apparently, Hall & Oates are still touring. That's the joke.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

It's a bird, it's a plane, it's . .

So, I was fortunate to score some box tickets to the Wiz-Celts game last night at the ol' missy. And boy was I in for a treat. Not because the game was anything special (Wiz looked like poo poo against the "8-less" Celts) or the catored spread in the luxury suite was oh so scrumdeliumptious. No, for none of these reasons was my evening an unexpected surprise. The treat revealed itself as I pulled into the parking garage on 6th Street around tip-off. As I rounded one of those painfully tight curves leading downward into the catacombs of MCI Center, I noticed a figure walking towards me in the middle of the roadway. It was a gangly looking fellow in a really bad suit shuffling up the parking tunnel where people clearly are not supposed to be walking. Was this guy completely lost, drunk, both? Who knew? As I drove further down the ramp and the distance between the man and my car shortened, another fact fell into place. This man was really tall. He was kind of slouching as he walked, but there was still no mistaking his height. It appeared he was actully ducking to keep his head from whacking the clearance sign hanging above the tunnel. I'm somewhere between 6 and 9 feet from pummeling this wayward giant when it becomes clear who was stumbling towards me . . .

The man somehow managed to squeeze by me between the driver-side of the car and the concrete wall beside him. Still not sure how I didn't trample his size 18's as I pulled by - hmm? Anyway, I wasn't as fortunate as you might think - as he squeezed by, ASS TOWARDS THE WALL - I got an unsettling view of his crotch through the window in super slo-mo. Will probably haunt me for years to come. Quite uncomfortable at this point as you might imagine, so I couldn't get any good documentation. So, I just continued on to my parking spot and place in the unnamed corporate box.

However, fate dealt me second ace on this particular night. During a timeout, Wiz down 15 or so, I walked out into the box-level hallway to make a phone call. I yapped for a minute or two and then, without even a hint of a closing remark, snapped shut the phone, Huggy Lowdown-style. Immediately kicked the trusty PCS phone into camera-mode and snapped this picture of our story's unnamed protagonist . . . see if you recognize him . . .

Dennis set record for longest link ever

Bumming Dome

Season tickets in the nosebleed seats. Unreal. Somebody just shoot me in the face. I don't even have any crappy articles to post. No Inferno II jokes. No Wiz update. No musings on the Yankees winning Games 8 and 9.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Hey, I think I saw this movie...

...It was called Basic, had Travolta and Sam Jackson in it:

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - Five American soldiers have been arrested for trying to smuggle hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of cocaine into the United States on a U.S. military aircraft, the U.S. military said.
The five unidentified Army personnel were detained on Tuesday and are being held in the United States for "allegedly trying to transport approximately 16 kilograms (35 lb) of cocaine," U.S. Southern Command said in a news release late on Thursday.

In other totally unrelated news, Pat Bu-cannot-win was assaulted with salad dressing:

KALAMAZOO, Mich. (AP) - Commentator and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan cut short an appearance after an opponent of his conservative views doused him with salad dressing.
"Stop the bigotry!'' the demonstrator shouted as he hurled the liquid Thursday night during the program at Western Michigan University. The incident came just two days after another noted conservative, William Kristol, was struck by a pie during an appearance at a college in Indiana.

"It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken":

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Frank Perdue, the Maryland farmer who revolutionized the poultry industry and gave chicken a brand name, died Friday following a brief illness at the age of 84.

So this version of Death coming in threes was Johnnie Cochran, Terri Schiavo, and Frank Perdue. Too bad the Pope was late to the party.