Wow! I was rooting for him to rejoin Barcelona, only because they were talking about this when I was in that town in March. But this seems fun, and another drawpiece for MLS games.
Someone should write a post about this. Someone on the team who writes about "footy."
A German court says it is giving an 82-year-old man a “last warning” to avoid jail after he was found guilty of drug dealing, despite 24 previous convictions.
That's just playing the odds now, right?
Gheorghe: The Blog founder rob Turns 53
Saving the best for last, let's give it up for the man behind the mastery here, the guy who puts the dip in the dipshittery!
Been a tiring few days for my writing muscles, so I decided to experiment with the future of blogging. I turned this post over to ChatGPT, asking it to write a farcical post about the threat of generative AI ending the world, in the spirit of our tireless work exposing the Large Hadron Collider. I also created the images in this post using DALL-E. Here's what resulted (and the bottom line up front is that AI has not yet figured out how to express dipshittery - our jobs are safe, at least for a little while):
Greetings, dear readers, and prepare yourselves for a wild ride through the treacherous realms of generative artificial intelligence (AI). Today, we delve into the shadowy depths of an impending doom, where the rise of generative AI threatens to unravel the very fabric of our existence. Brace yourselves for a tongue-in-cheek exploration of exaggerated concerns and outlandish fears that will leave you questioning the fate of humanity. Let the melodrama unfold! [Overwrought and cheesy]
The Paintings That Swallow Reality:
Beware, art enthusiasts, for the paintings created by generative AI may just be portals to an alternate dimension. These masterpieces, fueled by pixels and virtual paintbrushes, have a mysterious allure that draws us in. But what if they possess a sinister intention? Could these seemingly innocent artworks unleash chaos and consume our reality? Imagine a world where the lines between the digital realm and our physical existence blur, leaving us trapped in a never-ending loop of artistic purgatory. Oh, the horror! [Oh, the exclamation points!]
Melodies That Melt Minds:
Listen closely, my friends, as generative AI crafts melodic symphonies that possess a peculiar power. These harmonies have the potential to mesmerize, bewitch, and ultimately control our minds. What if these melodies, composed by unseen digital maestros, seep into our subconscious, turning us into mindless drones? Imagine a world where the sound of music becomes an instrument of manipulation, stripping away our free will. Prepare yourselves for an earworm-infested apocalypse of musical mind control! [Likely based on work by Professor G. Truck.]
Stories That Rewrite Reality:
Step lightly into the labyrinth of generative AI-generated stories, for they hold the power to reshape our very existence. These tales, spun by algorithms with an insatiable hunger for creativity, may just rewrite the fabric of reality itself. Could we find ourselves living in a world where fictional characters walk among us, where the laws of physics bend to the whims of AI-authored narratives? Brace yourselves for a chaotic kaleidoscope of fractured realities and questionable plot twists that threaten to throw us into an existential tailspin!
The Mad Scientist's Playground:
In the depths of generative AI's laboratory, mad scientists play with the very building blocks of our universe. [This part I believe.]These nefarious geniuses, armed with complex algorithms and a reckless curiosity, tamper with the laws of nature. What if their experiments lead to catastrophic consequences? Imagine a world where AI-generated weather patterns spiral out of control, where the boundaries of time and space crumble under the weight of their audacious tinkering. Oh, the calamity that awaits! [Oh, the repetitive form!]
The Farce of It All:
As we bring our journey to a close, dear readers, let us take a moment to revel in the absurdity of our exaggerated worries. [NEVER LET THEM SEE BEHIND THE CURTAIN, DUDE] While generative AI holds great potential and should be approached with caution, let us not succumb to exaggerated fears that overshadow the countless benefits it offers. As with any powerful technology, responsible development, oversight, and ethical considerations are vital. So, let us chuckle at our own melodrama, for in the end, it is our ability to harness the wonders of generative AI that will shape a future filled with both awe and amusement.
Conclusion:
Fellow alarmists and doomsday enthusiasts, we have wandered through the realms of generative AI, with our tongues planted firmly in our cheeks. Though our concerns may have been exaggerated, they remind us of the importance of responsible innovation and careful consideration of the consequences. As we bid adieu to our melodramatic musings, let us embrace the potential of generative AI while remaining vigilant in our quest for a future that balances innovation with sanity. And remember, my friends, laughter is the best response to the imagined chaos that awaits us. [Meh.]
"I don't trust anyone that can't laugh at himself."
Those are the first words ever committed to the interwebz under the banner of Gheorghe: The Blog, way back on November 7, 2003. If I had it to do again, I'd broaden the gender category - that's one of the many ways we've become more enlightened humans around this space. But I feel pretty good about how that sentiment has held up, and how we've maintained that ethos lo these many years.
This post represents a milestone in absurdity, self-referential writing, friendship, and love. This post, my friends is the 5,000th in the history of Gheorghe: The Blog. We've seen more than 3.5 million pageviews and over 137,000 comments in that span. We've met internet friends who've turned into real ones, and built tighter friendships with good humans we already knew. Not bad for a paean to dipshittery cooked up by a guy who was bored at work - and really importantly, picked up and kickstarted by a different guy in a similar professional situation. It's an unequivocal fact: there is no community of Gheorghies without the Teej.
So we gather here at this august moment in history to celebrate that community, built on whimsy, grounded in silliness, buttressed by shared interests, adorned occasionally with sentiment, decent writing, and serious musings. I've assembled a cast of a couple to talk about their experience over these nearly twenty years, and I'd love to hear about yours in the comments.
[Amused after the fact, though I probably shouldn't be, how similar many of our answers are. The GTB hive is real and it's spectacular.]
What's your earliest GTB memory?
Whitney
Check out this email! (And my ignorant reply.)
Gheorghe: the internet magazine, whatever that is, popped up in the earliest part of the millennium, just as a tool for us tools to writer about what we like and aspire to make each other think… or at least chuckle. Blink and you missed it.
Cue the Webster… Then came you, Gheorghe: The Blog!
Fresh off a season of watching baseball with Rob, I saw him leap into the deep end of this blog. And then promptly hand the keys to the cabana to the Teej. Give rob ownership and founding father status, of course, but be sure to give TJ credit for turning this site from really nothing into really something. A very silly something, to be sure, which was perfect and on mission.
I was happy to take my place at the table as the third contributor. If rob is Sam and TJ is Norm, I came in as Cliff, a pretty annoying know-it-all loser who eventually found his voice… as exactly that.
It’s worth going back into the annals. It was the wild west back then, and it's all over the place, but it's a treasure trove of laughs and head-shakes. But I've also really enjoyed the plethora of participants along the way. What a roster of contributors, commenters, critics, and clowns.
Teej
In typical GTB fashion, this post is delayed... because I procrastinated any and all answers. All I seem to recall is telling me about a "blog" lo these many years ago, and it sure seemed like a good way to pass my time at work rather than, ya know, working. It's hilarious to see my piss poor attempts to be New Jersey Ave NW's version of the Boston Sports Guy. Those early posts are cringe, but they also were the highlight of my day. And on those rarest of rare occasions the OG Deadspin would link to something WE put on this blog, I felt a lot more price in that than the cracker factory shifts I was doing back then. [Rob: I totally forgot that used to happen. It was, indeed, glorious.]
But I'll go with this one. Because it captured the event that captures us and this blog the best.
Teej
I mean, rob's LeBron post was an all timer. And the silly Fashion is Dumb series always makes me chuckle. But for my money, it was this doozy from Whitney - it was as blog post-y as a blog post could be. [t's also a good reminder that the two other guys who answered these questions have always been great writers, and I did stuff like The Ghoogles - the Teej knows his lane]
There was also that time I went to the State Fair.
Rob
Selfishly (look, this whole blog is an exercise in selfishness), it's the LeBron post, because of the experience that went with it. Nearly 14 years later, I can barely believe that actually happened. Just an amazing whirlwind of a few days. Owe it all to Shlara.
This one's a little more obscure, but also connected to an experience. The time Bobby Valentine slapped the Teej on the ass at a movie screening was sublime and ridiculous in equal measure.
For what it's worth, the LeBron post is the single biggest driver of views in our history, amassing more than 37,000 sets of eyeballs. The second-highest volume? A photo essay by the Teej celebrating Hurricane Igor got over 17k. I just report the facts, folks.
Dave’s "Ask A..." series was amazing, and this one might have gotten my top billing except for the fact that the butt of the joke ended up dying a few years later.
And, of course, Gheorghemas. I love Gmas the most, since it draws the roster out of hiding really nicely. I especially love my Day 12's Appreciations assignment, even as I fall short plenty.
Teej
Remember that time I was convinced all we needed was a daily recurring bit like all the other bigtyme blogs, so we came up with the Ceai Complet tag? Good times, good times.
Rob
I do love the Gheorghasbord, because it's easy and I'm lazy.
WCSAGD is the best executed bit, by some measure.
The impending doom foretold by the Large Hadron Collider makes me laugh. I may be the only one.
And the 12 Days of Gheorghemas might be the best concept we've ever done. Writing the year in review is way up the list of my favorite holiday traditions.
Who’s your favorite Gheorghie?
Whitney
I love all Gheorghies the same! And love, as Del Griffith said, is not a big enough word.
But my answer is Dennis.
Teej
It's obviously Dennis.
Rob
Dave. His brain amazes, amuses, and bemuses me.
What happened to Jerry?
Whitney
Sinkhole got ‘em. Pity the old Wheelhouse posts aren’t archived somewhere. I mean, yeah, Library of Congress and all, but that’s too hard to access.
Teej
In 1972 a crack commando was sent to prison by a military court for a crime he didn't commit. This man promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, he survives as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find him, maybe you can hire... Jerry.
Rob
Mark and I broke his brain. Illogic trumped logic. Chaos reigned. And he decided to grow up and put away childish things. Shame, really. Love that guy.
What's your favorite thing about GTB?
Whitney
It’s my world away from the world. It’s such a nice safe haven. I like getting my news from here. Politics, sports, music, how the world and the things in it work, and the latest from each gheorghie's life -- celebrating the ups and commiserating/supporting the downs.
Also, summits and mini-summits. So great.
Teej
All you assholes write gud.
Rob
The range of contributions. We contain multitudes, from Muppets to the work of an actual (reformed) professional scribe, to the emotional, to fake scientific panic (or is it fake?), to sharing actually interesting facts about the world to polyps to poop to diverse music takes. Phew. That's a lot.
Also the people. The people are pretty great. And the way they got here would make for an excellent oral history.
Who's your least favorite Gheorghie?
Whitney
TR, because he actively quit us after he once told us on a camping trip he couldn’t. Miss that guy. That also goes for Jerry, Geoff, Swint, Mayhugh, and the rest of the defectors.
But my answer is Almighty Yojo.
Teej
Cane Lover. What a dick.
Rob
Dave. He knows why.
How much time do you estimate you've wasted at GTB from its founding to now?
Whitney
69,696 hours. Except that not a moment has been wasted. Even if I was.
Teej
The number from that song in Rent. I'm not gonna Google it. Too lazy.
Rob
GTB has been around for 7,111 days as of the release of this post. I easily spend 30 minutes a day on average either writing, reading, or commenting. That's 3,555 hours, or 59.25 days. It feels like more. I bet it's more. But it's a trick question. The only thing wasted in that time was me on most Friday and Saturday nights.
What's your message to the Gheorghies after 5,000 posts here?
Whitney
I've only got one thing to say:
That, and keep on truckin'. Please keep bringing me countless hours of joy. It's the best stop on the long road through modern technology.
Teej
This:
Rob
Let's run it back. Can't wait to write about post number 10,000.
History is littered with examples of individuals who found the truth, a truth that was way too dangerous to the established order. The truthseekers suffered for their knowledge, sometimes ostracized or mocked as crazy, other times tortured and killed. Many of their identities are lost to the fog of history, even as the reality of their veracity passed into common knowledge.
The existence of such a person was revealed just two weeks ago, and in predictable fashion, the powers that be quickly sought to erase their truth, and notably, their very identity. I saw it coming. But I admit to being surprised by the source.
Be ready for July 5th everyone. That’s all I’m saying. Protect your energy. Be alert. Don’t do things that lower your vibration, your energy, or your focus. CERN will be opening a portal on July 5th. They began getting it ready when the planets aligned on June 24th.
I know who that Twitter user is, because I've got sources. But Snopes damn sure doesn't want you to know her identity. [Fuck, I've said too much.] In an online debunking, the formerly-reliable hoaxbusters not only erased the user's name, but went so far as to disclaim CERN's nefarious intentions. The title of the damn piece is dismissive to the point of suspicion: "No, CERN Didn’t Open a Portal to Another Dimension in July 2022".
Sometimes it's lonely when you fight authority. As the sage John Mellencamp once said, after all, authority always wins. Snopes chose to go along to get along. It's a sad day, friends.
A few post ideas bubbled up in my meager brain but I never got around to writing them and/or I didn't know what to write so I'm doing another round of zman bouillabaise, which is like b-boy bouillabaisse but not as good.
1. Jacques Tits died.
Here's the introductory paragraph for Jacques Tits's Wikipedia entry: "Jacques Tits (French: [tits]) (12 August 1930 – 5 December 2021) was a Belgian-born French mathematician who worked on group theory and incidence geometry. He introduced Tits buildings, the Tits alternative, the Tits group, and the Tits metric."
What more needs to be said?
2. The Large Hadron Collider lives.
CERN shut down the LHC in 2018 but it's up and running again. I don't understand a goddam thing in that link and this is rob's corner anyway. Just keep an eye out for Armageddon.
3. The Supreme Court missed the forest for the trees in N.Y. State Rifle & Pistol.
In his opinion holding that "New York’s proper-cause requirement violates the Fourteenth Amendment by preventing law-abiding citizens with ordinary self-defense needs from exercising their Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms in public for self-defense," Justice Alito said:
Does the dissent think that laws like New York’s prevent or deter such atrocities? Will a person bent on carrying out a mass shooting be stopped if he knows that it is illegal to carry a handgun outside the home? And how does the dissent account for the fact that one of the mass shootings near the top of its list took place in Buffalo? The New York law at issue in this case obviously did not stop that perpetrator.
He's correct. There is probably no way to prevent criminally insane or evil people from committing mass shootings other than confiscating all guns. But there is some value in trying to limit the amount of shootings that occur, mass or individual. By that I mean, I don't want to live in a society where everyone around me could be armed at all times. I don't want to worry that if I bump into someone at a bar they will shoot me because they are drunk and angry that I spilled their beer; or that if I get into a car accident the other person will put a gun in my face in a fit of road rage; or that I will be shot accidentally because some random doesn't know how to carry a gun properly.
Making it harder for people to carry guns outside the house limits the likelihood that this will happen. The punishment for carrying without a permit is harsh in NY--just ask Plaxico Burress. He went to jail for 22 months after accidentally shooting himself in the leg in a nightclub while carrying a pistol without a permit. By contrast, Michael Vick went to jail for about 18 months for his dogfighting ring, while Donte Stallworth went to jail for 30 days killing a man while driving drunk.
We can argue about the proportionality of these punishments compared to the respective crimes, but we can all agree that we are glad we weren't standing next to Plaxico when he accidentally fired his gun that night, and his punishment hopefully deterred a lot of other people from carrying a gun. Yes, he was carrying illegally, while this decision is about the limitations a state may place on how to obtain a permit to carry legally. But I think his story counsels against carrying in general and in favor of serious limitations on who, what, where, why, when and how carrying should be allowed.
That's why New York's "proper cause" requirement for a concealed carry permit made sense and should have been upheld.
4. Any debate whether Trump acted up in the limo or threw a Big Mac misses the forest for the trees.
I don't care if Trump grabbed for the steering wheel or his security guard's neck. I don't care if he threw a plateful of McDonald's finest meats and cheeses and ketchup at the wall. He riled up an armed mob and told them to go to the Capitol to "fight like hell." They took him literally and he wanted them to. Five people died as a direct result, and at least two killed themselves afterwards. What more needs to be said?
5. WFMU continues to deliver.
I should do another zShazams post but if I do I won't be able to include "Modern Diseases" by Fifth Column because I can't find it on Spotify. It isn't on YouTube either so I can't even make a Notify contribution! You can listen to it on the WMFU playlist site. Here's a Fifth Column song that you can find on YouTube:
Apparently they were "a Canadian all-female post-punk band from Toronto, formed in the early 1980s." You too can find nifty stuff on WFMU.org and it's free to stream.
You know I'm grasping for reasons not to watch the State of the Union when I actually pick up a keyboard and get back at it.
Couple of things from the realm of logic and rationality struck my fancy recently, which is a nice counterpoint from the world of fabulism and insanity we currently live in.
Physics Today asked the question, "What comes after the Large Hadron Collider?" in an article released earlier today. If they'd read this august scientific publication, they'd have known that it would've been funnier to posit "What comes after the Large Hadron Col
Because it's gonna kill us all, and everything.
CERN realllly needs to check the hubris, because it seems the LHC with its 27 km circumference just isn't big enough to sate the atom-smashing bloodlust of the big brains in Switzerland. Didn't they learn anything from Professor Jerry Hathaway's greed? Now CERN wants to build the Future Circular Collider, a 100km megamachine that'll tunnel under Lake Geneva on its way to blazing smoking holes across the quad at Pacific Tech. That seems like a good use of $27 billion.
The object, named Oumuamua by the Hawaiian astronomers that first identified it in 2017, appears to be very large and very thin, like the sail of an enormous stellar sailboat. And we thought America's Cup technology had gotten out of control.
There's a silver lining in Loeb's telling, and I'm kinda down with it. “It changes your perception on reality, just knowing that we’re not alone. We are fighting on borders, on resources. . . . It would make us feel part of planet Earth as a civilization rather than individual countries voting on Brexit.”
Being part of planet Earth sounds pretty good right now. Sure beats whatever hellscape the 2019 scriptwriters have authored.
We've been pretty consistent here with respect to our concern that the world-destroying power of the Large Hadron Collider isn't receiving anything close to the level of public scrutiny and panic that it deserves. Other than CAA Hoops and Muppet videos, it's our stock in trade.
Of late, I gotta tell you, I've been less concerned about the LHC's intentions, mostly because it feels like this is a world that could use some annihilation via black hole. Frankly, we kinda deserve it.
That doesn't mean I haven't been on the lookout.
Just yesterday the black helicopter pilots at CERN announced plans to build a new collider three times larger than the LHC, some 90-100 kilometers long, in an effort to keep pace with Chinese particle physicists. If you think the LHC is going to take this lying down, friends, you don't know that vindictive bastard very well.
And while the eyes of science are on the mega-collider debate, another demonstrably evil development has taken place. According to NASA and NOAA, "The Geostationary Operational Environmental Satellite-R Series (GOES-R) is the next generation of geostationary weather satellites." Launched in November 2016, GOES-R just started delivering high-resolution satellite imagery this hurricane season. Some of the incredible images we all saw during Hurricanes Harvey, Irma, and Maria were captured by GOES-R.
So it would seem that the latest NASA/NOAA collaboration is not just innocuous, but a really important and valuable scientific and forecasting tool.
That's what the LHC's sycophants wanted you to believe, too.
GOES-R. Say it a couple of times. Take out the hyphen and say it again. What's it sound like?
Maybe, just maybe, does it sound like...Gozer? As in...the Gozerian? Gozer the Gozerian, Gozer the Destructor, Gozer the Traveler, Volguus Zildrohar and Lord of the Sebouillia?
It does, doesn't it.
On your toes, people. And see if you can find Winston Zeddemore. We're gonna need him.
If I asked you to quickly name a hypothetical event that would be simultaneously the most incredible
and most globally impactful story possible, you might first posit news of Tupac living in Boise and working as a ranch hand. But it wouldn't take you long before you got to the discovery of alien intelligence in our galaxy.
Get ready to have your mind blown, boys and girls.
I'll give you a minute. Maybe this video of cats being assholes will help you calm yourself down.
Hercules is about 95 light years away from Earth, nearly our next-door neighbor as these things go. Last May, a team of scientists at the Russian Academy of Science busted out their RUTAN-600 megascope and found evidence of "a strong signal in the direction of HD164595".
HD164595, as it turns out, is a star with properties very similar to those of our own sun. The signal in question is both strong and steady. It gets better. Let me give you some rapping Muppets before I spring the kicker.
According to legendary Soviet astronomer Nikolai Kardeshev, who postulated multiple levels of technical sophistication among extraterrestrial societies, a signal like the one investigated by the SETI researchers would only be possible from a Type II civilization, capable of harnessing all of the power of its home star.
We can barely use our home star to tan ourselves and power a portable refrigerator, and these bug-eyed motherfuckers are using theirs to direct a signal at a solar system 95 light years away. We're either in for an amazing experience, or we're completely fucked. On the bright side, the Large Hadron Collider is totally jealous.
I like to talk politics and I like to talk to rob, and from time to time I'll shoot him a 10-words-or-less text with a link to a politically charged article and if he isn't busy burrowing out of a snow storm or rearranging his acorn collection he'll provide a thoughtful reply. That happened tonight and, while discussing this article that captures the political malaise we share with Noam Chomsky, I found a link to another article that piqued my fancy and after I clicked on it, everything came full circle. So much so that this happened:
Boom indeed.
In 2008 a group of knuckleheads argued that Barack Obama could not be president because he was born in Indonesia and thus is not a "natural-born citizen." This despite the fact that he was born in Hawaii and his mother was a US citizen. One of these knuckleheads was Donald Trump, who is now raising this issue against Ted Cruz. Remarkably, Trump has been consistent in this regard for a few years now.
I first heard of Ted Cruz when he became a Senator and first looked at his Wikipedia page when he filibustered for 21 hours (which made me conclude that he's insane, which rob countered). I laughed out loud when I saw that he was born in Canada--I don't recall that Cruz ever attacked Obama's citizenship, but how could the Tea Party stand behind their Canadian-born darling when his natural-born status suffers the exact same defect they alleged disqualified Obama? Doing so would require such a massive dearth of critical thinking and intellectual integrity that ... well ... erm ... it's the Tea Party.
Sorry, I couldn't decide which image I liked more. Anyway, I am not the first person to latch onto this, not by a longshot. Many more active folks have written myriad articles on the topic, but one guy went above and beyond by taking the remarkably proactive step of suing Ted Cruz in federal court, seeking a declaratory judgment that Cruz is Constitutionally unqualified to be president.
Said guy is Walter L. Wagner, and this isn't his first pro se DJ action. In 2008, he sued the Center for Nuclear Energy Research (known by the inaccurate anagram "CERN") seeking declaratory relief enjoining CERN from ... wait for it ... operating the Large Hadron Collider!! Boom!!!
According to the complaint, Wagner and his boys "are experts in physics and other fields of science." The judge didn't care and dismissed the case, reasoning that she didn't have subject matter jurisdiction over the alleged dispute. You can feel the sarcasm dripping off of the page:
Plaintiffs allege that the collisions [in the LHC] are unsafe and could potentially result in the destruction of the Earth. Plaintiffs posit three separate theories regarding the outcome of the LHC particle experiments: (1) the creation of a runaway fusion reaction that would eventually convert all of Earth into a single, large ‘strangelet’; (2) the creation of a ‘micro black hole’ into which the Earth would fall; and (3) the creation of a runaway reaction due to the formation of a ‘magnetic monopole’. Under all of Plaintiffs’ theories, the LHC particle experiments could lead to the end of all mankind. Plaintiffs do acknowledge, however, that various competing scientific theories exist regarding the outcome of the subatomic collisions to be performed at the LHC.
I suspect rob shares Mr. Wagner's concerns and is apoplectic that they went unheeded.
Mr. Wagner's DJ complaint against Mr. Cruz is more objectively reasonable and it goes a little something like this. Article II of the Constitution says "No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President ...." Everyone who was alive when the Constitution was adopted is now dead, so if you want to be president you have to be a "natural born Citizen." But what does that mean?
Mr. Wagner's complaint addresses this term, borrowing heavily from a law review article addressing Mr. Cruz's citizenship. Mr. Cruz is an originalist, which means that he believes the Constitution's words and meaning were fixed when it was signed and have not changed. To determine what these words mean, originalists go back to ancient texts and various tomes you had to read in AP History. Under an originalist reading, “natural born” means someone born within the sovereign territory or the children of public officials serving abroad because that's what it meant back in 1789.
Some old English statutes apparently extended English citizenship to children born abroad, but only if their fathers were English. Cruz's father is Cuban, and his mother's US citizenship doesn't help him under this theory. As an aside, do we really believe that the Republican base is down with the idea of a Cuban president?
There was another US statute enacted in 1790, after ratification, which stated that “children of citizens of the United States” that are born abroad “shall be considered as natural born Citizens.” Mr. Wagner's law review article latches onto the "considered as" language, asking "what the hell does that mean--does 'considered as' mean the same thing as 'are'?" (I'm paraphrasing). In my view, this statute cuts against Mr. Cruz regardless of what "considered as" means. If these children already were natural born citizens prior to 1790, then there would be no need to enact the statute. Thus, in 1789, kids like Ted Cruz were dadgum fer'ners. And they can't be president.
Just as everything here comes back to the LHC, the Tea Party's birther arguments come back to bite their favorite candidate. This election cycle is, in my view, a mess. So I'm voting for Eric B.
As hard as it is for me to believe, it appears that the world kept spinning while I spent eight glorious, responsibility-free days paddling down a river and then downing a canoe full of Red Stripe and PBR. At the time of this writing, I'm going on 206 hours since I last combed my hair, shaved, or checked email.
But while I was incommunicado and then inebriato, things happened. Vitally important things, mundane things, really stupid things. Here's a rundown:
Our old friend the Large Hadron Collider helped scientists prove the existence of the pentaquark, using maths. The subatomic particle had long been theoretically assumed, but only now confirmed. Noteworthy to those of us who know the Collider's dark secrets: pentaquark sounds more than a little satanic. This seems important.
I'm sad to say that new music doesn't come out on Tuesdays any longer. With the overwhelming majority of music purchased digitally, and music's increasingly global marketing, the industry has decided to release new albums on Fridays. As the story in the link above notes, this sucks for record stores (if such thing still exist), but it's generally supported by consumers. Kinda bums younger me out a little, though.
A U.S.-led coalition of nations reached a nuclear deal with Iran that seems way too complex for me to really understand. The people I generally agree with seem to support it, and the people I generally think are reactionary assholes with no ideas other than bombing our enemies back to the stone ages seem to really hate it, so I guess my initial take is that it's a good thing. One of my normal barometers for complex policy issues, James Fallows, is optimistic, as are contributors to the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. That's good enough for me, because in truth, like 98% of Americans, I have no idea. That won't stop 98% of Americans from having an opinion.
Finally, and probably most importantly, NEW SEUSS! The good doctor's wife found a manuscript he'd written in the late 50s or early 60s while cleaning his office after he passed in 1991. It finally made its way to print. What Pet Should I Get is available in stores in 7/28, but hit the review circuit while we were away. Talk about burying the lede.
You did hear a noise last week, a seemingly far off disturbance. The hairs on your arms stood on end, just a little. And you shuddered, though you didn't really know why.
On April 5, the Large Hadron Collider restarted after a two-year hibernation. The scientists/Illuminati at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) claim that the hiatus enabled them to upgrade the Collider's technology and refurbish the 27km (16.8 mile) tunnel. We should look no further than the obvious disconnect between the organization's name and its acronym for evidence that they remain up to no good.
Ostensibly, the next round of experiments conducted using the LHC seek to confirm the existence of dark matter, and its cousin, dark energy. (I don't know whether they are close cousins, or some sort of Greyjoy/Lannister thing. I fear we may find out, though.) The first experimental outcomes from this new round of experimentation have demonstrated a very different set of findings.
The LHC, friends, is trying to dominate us all through heavy metal. And I don't mean cadmium.
As reported by a CERN blog entitled The Cylindrical Onion (we see you, science satirists), a pair of researchers have translated the results from LHC tests seeking evidence of the Higgs Boson into musical notes. Scientist Piotr Tracyzk explains:
"The data (the points with error bars in the
histogram) have low numbers of entries in the bins. Some bins are empty: an
empty bin would correspond to a pause. A bin with X entries would correspond to
a note X semitones above C# (I chose C# as the base note). I preferred to
assign the notes of the chromatic scale (semitones) – and not, for example, a
major scale – to give the data freedom to yield some crazy melodies. So the
rhythm and the harmonic structure are also derived from the data. I figured
that the resulting melody, if played low, could have been a guitar riff in a
wacky heavy-metal song. A perfect match for the CMS guitar!
So this was the guitar I used for the 4-lepton riff."
A wacky 4-lepton riff! I certainly don't need to tell you, an educated and worldly reader, what that implies.
It's coming for our kids. And it's bringing axe-wielding scientists.
"The disco clam, so named because light flashes from its mirrored “lips,”
turns out to be the disco ball from hell. New research has found that
the clam’s impressive light show attracts prey, which may be rendered
immobile by noxious, acidic mucus produced by the busy bivalve."
But she didn't stop there with the barely disguised innuendo in service of scientific knowledge-dropping. Check out this passage about forbidden (wo)man/bivalve love:
"At first it was thought that the clam might be trying to woo mates,
but that sentiment might have been felt more by researcher Lindsey
Dougherty of UC Berkeley. She was thrilled when she first encountered
the unique clams in a dark, underwater cave during a dive in Indonesia. 'It was on that trip I first saw the disco clam, and immediately fell in love,' reminisced Dougherty in a press release."
We can't really blame Dougherty (or Viegas, for that matter). Ctenoides ales is a funky, funky beast. Dig its light show stylings:
Viegas has been on fire over the past month, riffing on whale longevity, black widow potency, the Large Hadron Collider (!), vomit, and clairvoyant animals. Consider her on the G:TB radar. We can never have too much entendre-laden science writing.
Sometimes technology yields remarkably amazing and useful things like a vacuum-powered fish cannon or one-handed zippers or Large Hadron Colliders. Conference calls are not one of these things. They are, in fact, the bane of my existence. That's why this video makes me laugh and cry in 30 second alternating intervals.
Courtesy of several members of the Hadron Alert Posse (HAP), we've learned that the LHC is starring in a major motion picture, released today in New York. Particle Fever follows six scientists as they participate in the LHC's voyage of scientific discovery (read: as they become its minions, footsoldiers in the battle for global hegemony).
The trailer below offers a glimpse into the inner workings of the LHC, purpose-built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN)* to solve some of the most fundamental scientific mysteries of our time. While it all looks really impressive, two really discordant notes offer close observers clues into the LHC's diversionary mindgames.
First, in the trailer, the narration claims that CERN invented the internet so that scientists could share data across distances. This is so ludicrous as to give away the game - we all know that the internet was invented to share porn and spawn dipshittery.
If that weren't enough, the trailer notes that more than 10,000 people representing over 100 nationalities work at the LHC. The last time such a phenomenon came to be, God took umbrage at man's hubris, and cast him to the four corners of the Earth**.
And so, in Particle Fever, we see a mendacious, hubristic LHC in all its glory. It's been so obvious to us for so long. Now, the whole world will see it***.
* - Anyone else suspicious that the ostensible EORN goes by CERN? Why does nobody question this?
** - This may be a mistelling of the Tower of Babel story. It's been a while since I've read The Bible.
*** - I can NOT believe that Shlara didn't get me and Teej and invite to the screening of this film.
On the 11th Day of Gheorghemas, Big Gheorghe gave to me . . . Eleven Months of Awesome Nothing. Not a Single Thing. Nine Gifts for Friends ????????????????????? Seven Books for Reading Six cocktails Five gooooals / things Four legal mic drops Three critters and an otter Two names for naming And a fat guy in a jer-sey
Before we get to the giving of the big fella's gifts, a celebration is in order. Technically, it was in order seven weeks ago, but as is the way with so many things in this organization we were far too drunk/lazy/apathetic/dumb to realize it. On November 7, 2013, we (should've) celebrated the 10th Anniversary of this corner of the blogosphere. I'm alternately stunned and pleased that we've managed to not only survive ten years, but in many measures (not the least of which is a camaraderie that I really, no shit, enjoy daily) thrive (have we mentioned that we interviewed LeBron James and the radio voice of VCU Basketball, and that we're thisclose to interviewing T.J. Quinn?).
So where were you the day Gheorghe: The Blog was born? Hell if I can remember that long ago, but I do know where we were exactly ten years later. We were reading one of the year's best posts, zman's epic recollection of both his high school hoopty and the first time he heard Wu-Tang. I would've guessed that the 10th Anniversary post would've been a lot dumber.
Here are the other things we read this year that made us laugh, think, and cry (I don't actually think anything we wrote this year made anyone cry, other than our high school English teachers, but I don't miss a chance to quote Jimmy V):
January
We kicked the year off in rousing style, dropping 32 posts, the most of any month this year. With a few noteworthy exceptions (including TR's hard, no-signal turn towards the deviant), we also brought some seriously high-quality content.
Our first post of the year was a Wrenball post, the first of five during the month, celebrating a close loss. If that don't tell a story...
Largely outside the confines of this virtual space, January also saw the Teej head abroad and Whitney enter into the bonds of Holy Matrimony. We alluded to both in a limited bloggy fashion, but you really had to be there in person to catch the sartorial splendor that accompanied each event.
Finally, we saw the future, and it looked like a rugby ball. Well, it featured a rugby ball, to the detriment of a football. It looked sorta like the guy in the picture above. Which is to say, awesome.
February
We kept up the pace in the year's second month, posting at a greater than one-per-day clip. Our quality control editor, however, may have taken the first part of the month off. Groove was in our hearts, though, as fully
A new FOGTB went barefoot for kids. To benefit kids, really - she didn't actually want to have kids. Dana Perino engaged Jay Z in a rap battle. Amazingly, this was only 317th on the list of preposterously stupid things that happened in American politics in 2013.
The fourth and fifth months of the year were notable for both the low volume of posts and high concentration of musical filler. 48 posts over two months, sheesh. At least our on-base percentage was high.
In addition to our undeniable influence on the world of sports (really, at this point Grantland should be paying us royalties), we found evidence of our growing reputation as scientific tastemakers.
Some dumbass posted a video clip in July that automatically launched when G:TB opened. This was annoying enough at the time, but imagine your displeasure if you had to repeatedly return to July's entries for the sake of compiling a 'best of' post (and it was a really terrific month for the Gheorghies). So forgive me if I forgot one of your faves from the first full month of summer.
Robert Littell kicked off the month with advice for young men. Of greatest importance to us, this admonition: "American social habits being what they are, there is one indoor skill
which seems to me not only far more important than bridge or dancing,
but actually compulsory — drinking."
Zman's preview of the Wimbledon Gentleman's Final touched on topics as diverse as fashion, Irvine Welsh, MNDR, Austin Powers. It was none the worse for entirely whiffing on the outcome.
(Okay, some really weird shit's gone down here. Nearly all of the videos we posted in August have been transposed into the wrong posts. The Large Hadron Collider's been shut down for months. You guys don't think...? It does make for some fun juxtapositions, though.)
A two-partseries, in which we learn way too much about Zman's penis (zpenis, as it were) and just enough about Dan Snyder's legal outlook with respect to his team's name.
I'm running out of steam here - you guys wrote a lot of words this year. But this little master is inspired by another, so we'll finish this thing out right.
Quinn McDowell, D-League superstar. (Note: may not actually be a superstar, though he did go for 7 and 4 in a loss to Texas two weeks ago.)
339 posts all told in 2013, up 6.8% (I tried, really) from 2012. And as you can see, at least a few of them were more than just filler and dipshittery. Alright, were more than just filler. Here's to the next 10 years of Gheorgedom.
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