David Frum Reads G:TB

 ... and we don't even get a tip of the hat.

This Is How It's Done

It is so goddamn refreshing to see Democrats, at long last, finding some sort of spine as the 2026 midterm elections head to a close. Refreshing, and kinda disappointing, because they could've done this years ago and instead allowed Republicans to define toughness as macho posturing bullshit. 

Certainly, this newfound lack of fucks to give is primarily the province of newcomers. Like Michigan senatorial candidate Abdul El-Sayed, who fucking nails it:

how does ohio boy vance keep walking right into the buzzsaw of one of the midwest's most Ancient Tribal Hatreds. dog no one in michigan cares what your OSU ass has to say

[image or embed]

— dr. rich traditions, JD (@helldude.bsky.social) October 15, 2026 at 8:11 PM

The author of that Bluesky skeet goes on to drop some absolutely spot-on analysis:

More El-Sayed. More Coach Walz calling 'em freaks. And no more pearl-clutching Jeffries, Schumer, and the centrist Dem establishment. 

Sweep the leg. Humiliate them. And make them wear your contempt like a goddamn hairshirt.

24? Fuck That: 138!

Because you're a well-informed and curious bunch, you likely saw today's reporting that the College Football Playoff is nearing an agreement to expand the current 12-team tournament to a 24-team version starting in 2027. 

According to ESPN, the revised format will likely have, "...19 at-large bids, the Power 4 conference champions as determined by each league and the highest-ranked Group of 6 team." You should read this as "We're now going to allow 23 Power 4 league members (and their leagues) to have access to the money that's flowing like and oil-field gusher from our broadcast partner and other sponsors." They'll likely say it differently, and make some hand-wavey motions about including non-Power 4 schools in consideration for at-large bids. 

At the moment, New Mexico of the Mountain West has the pole position as the highest-ranked Group of 6 squad in ESPN's College Football Power Index - the Lobos are 38th. For the sake of journalistic accuracy, we'll note without comment that the current second- highest-ranked non-Notre Dame team outside of the Power 4 is 51st-ranked James Madison. Good luck with that at-large bid, Dukes!

We learned long ago that our thoughtful and logical expression of the flaws in college football's postseason structure is more pointless than Hakeem Jeffries' press releases, but since when do quixotic quests scare us? Indeed, friends, as a gallant knight once said, "Too much sanity may be madness — and maddest of all: to see life as it is, and not as it should be!"

So a'tilting we shall go. 

We see your 24 team playoff and raise you even more madness. I give you The All-Encompassing College Football Extravaganza Sponsored by Gheorghe: The Blog. 138 teams, 14 weeks, wall to wall football with nobody left out. Hope springs eternal for every FBS team each year. 

Here's how it works:

Each of the 138 FBS teams (or however many there are in any given year) play four games in four weeks from the first Saturday of September to start the season - three against conference opponents and one intersectional matchup. After the fourth week, everyone gets a bye (big week for soccer and baseball programming). Said differently for our fans in the Deep South, On the Fifth Week, We Rest.

Starting in Week Six (we start capitalizing now because NOW IT MATTERS) all of the teams are ranked 1 to 138 and sorted into 32 four or five-team groups for round-robin play. If we take the current rankings from CFB TXT, which aggregates all of the major rating models into a single, equally-weighted ranking, and add some AI magic for the sake of geographical compactness, here's what that would look like today:

The top 22 teams in the rankings would be placed in four-team groups - they only have to play three games as a reward for their performance. Teams 23-32 would be the top seeds in five-team groups. You'll note that we named the groups after legendary college football coaches. We left a few out, for reasons.

The round-robin begins in Week Six, sometime in mid-October, and ends after Week Nine, when the five-team groups complete their schedules. Another bye week to rest (Week 10, if you're scoring at home), calculate the 32 teams that advance to the knockout rounds and their seeds (the seeding process will be a three-day shaman-led smudging ceremony, and we'll only know when it's complete when white smoke comes out of Nick Saban's ears), and spin up the McAfee Mouth Machine of Bottomless Hype. 

At some point in the middle of November, the 32-team single-elimination commences, with games played at the home of the higher-seeded team. We get our last four teams (I'd use a different phrase, but that one's taken) at the end of Week 13 in early December. 

Teams that fail to advance from their groups realign and play their own tournaments so we can smash more young fellas' heads together for the entertainment of alumni and a few more dollars for our commercial partners. Someone else can figure out the format - it can't be that hard.

We're still arguing in the conference room about the timing of the last two gameweeks for the Really Big Dance. I'd like to keep the momentum going and finish the season by the end of the calendar year. Others (read: money-grubbing gluttons) want to milk the moment for a month as with the current process and give the semi-finalists a month off before resuming the action. I'm right, but I may not win the day. Either way, we get a champion at some point.

You know you'd watch the fuck out of this tournament. 

Let the real Madness begin. 

Returning to Your Regularly Scheduled Dipshittery

I was goofing off on the interwebs and came across the classic Kids in the Hall sketch "The Daves I Know". You can watch  it below.

The next step was fairly obvious. Please enjoy my personal version of the song. I left out a couple. Kinda thought there would be more, though.

Hi, I’m rob. I’d like to tell you about the Daves I know.

These are the Daves I know, I know.

These are the Daves I know.

These are the Daves I know, I know.

These are the Daves I know.

Dave Pellicane, he teaches kids Shakespeare

Writes a sentence every day, has for 20* years

*ish

These are the Daves I know, I know.

These are the Daves I know.

These are the Daves I know, I know.

These are the Daves I know.

Dave Fairbank was an ink-stained wretch

Spends his days combing the beach, teaching his pup to fetch

CHORUS

The great Dave Flynn, he was larger than life

Saw the Pogues, met his kid, just don't tell his wife

CHORUS

Dave Milhiser, you guys don't know him

He's my high school buddy, realtor and a gem

CHORUS

David Robinson, of that name I know two(!)

One is my uncle, the other teaches school (college, that is)

CHORUS

Daves Lazorchak and Bucciero, a pair

Soccer coaches (school and club), definitely care

CHORUS

David Lau, a Lammie from the past

Don't remember lots when I saw him in Hoboken last

These are the Daves I know, I know.

These are the Daves I know.

These are the Daves I know, I know.

These are the Daves I know.

Gheorghe Explains: Footy Fraud

Those of you that are casual soccer fans, especially those of the American variety, may be forgiven if you're not up to speed on the drama that's gripping the game in England. From a scriptwriter's perspective, it really has it all: greed, avarice, riches beyond imagination, geopolitical intrigue, an honest-to-God Viking, lies, deceit. It's missing sex, but given the parties to the drama it's hard to imagine that's in short supply.

Buckle up. We're headed down some rabbit holes.

Let's start with the boring stuff, shall we. In 2020, UEFA banned the Premier League's Manchester City from European competition for two years for violations of the confederation's Financial Fair Play rules (basically, you can't spend more money than you take in over a certain period of time). That ban was overturned by the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS), which still chose to level a €10 million fine for the club's actions. Notably, many of the charges were dismissed due to the expiration of the the statute of limitations in UEFA's rules.

Leaked emails and other information from UEFA's investigation prompted the Premier League to initiate its own inquiry into the matter. And in February 2023, the league announced it was charging City with 115 breaches of its own financial regulations from 2009-2018. Importantly, the EPL rules regarding the statute of limitation are different than UEFA's, so that defense no longer served City.

After three-plus years of legal machinations, chest-beating, and denials, an independent three-person commission released its findings ten days ago. They are, in legal parlance, a doozy. The commission found City guilty of 114 of the 115 charges, finding (with copious evidence) on 80 of 80 counts that the club conspired to disguise more than £900m (~$1.2b) of direct ownership investment as sponsorships, allowing it to invest far beyond its permitted cap on player investment. 35 of the charges related to failure to cooperate with the EPL investigation, and the commission found City guilty on 34 of those. In its findings, the commission pulled no punches, saying that the club the fabricated "sham contracts" and "rel[ied] on sham agreements to artificially inflate the club's revenues and reduce its costs". In addition, the findings said that "a number of important club witnesses gave false evidence in key respects and that some knowingly gave untrue and dishonest evidence". Not great, Bob.

TL;DR City intentionally, repeatedly, and persistently violated a shitload of financial regulations and then sought to cover it up via lies, obfuscation, and delays.

Okay, y'all. Take a little break. Enjoy this photo of the aforementioned honest-to-God Viking, City (and Norway) striker Erling Haaland. He's the best finisher in the world right now. City paid around £51.2m in transfer fees to bring him in from Borussia Dortmund (which was a very good deal given his age and talent).

A number of very good football writers (and an increasingly large group of business and hard news scribes) have written extensively on this story, and I don't intend to break any news here, so please seek out Tariq Panja of The New York Times, Rory Smith of The Observer, David Ornstein and Sam Lee of The Athletic, and Miguel Delaney of The Independent. Tom Rennie of SiriusXMFC has been very good on the broadcast side. Trent Crimm is right out.

If you stayed here, we're going to do a shallow dive on Manchester City's history and why this story matters so much from a soccer perspective, then broaden the scope to include figures as far-flung as Liam Gallagher, the richest man in Abu Dhabi, and UK Prime Minister Andy Burnham.

First, the club. Manchester City was founded in 1894. Since that time, the club bounced around among the first three tiers of English football for the most part, landing in the Premier League for good in 2002. Prior to 2008, City won a total of nine trophies in 108 seasons: two first-division titles, four F.A. Cups, two League Cups, and one European Cup Winners Cup (the predecessor to the Champions League). The aforementioned Liam Gallagher and his brother Noel are counted amongst the club's most prominent supporters, are were such long before City's fortunes changed. [That pun was not intended as it was being written, but it is now.]

Since 2008, the club has arguably been the most successful in the world, having brought home eight Premier League trophies, four F.A. Cups, seven League Cups, one Champions League title, and one World Club championship.

Pray tell, what happened in 2008, you ask? You're very smart, reader. 2008 is when everything changed at City, in the midst of a global explosion of football-targeted capital flowing from oligarchs, petrostates, and generally filthy rich folks into what had historically been a sport owned and operated with and by local money.

After a couple of years of financial precarity, City found footballing salvation in August of that year in the form of new ownership. Abu Dhabi United Group (ADUG), owned by Sheikh Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan, the Vice President of the United Arab Emirates (hold on to that little nugget), became one of the first Persian Gulf state-associated entities to buy into the global game. Sheikh Mansour's group followed the path first trod by Russian oligarch Roman Abramovich, who purchased middling Chelsea in 2003 and quickly put that club on a path to on- and off-field growth.

As soon as ADUG purchased City (and named the company City Football Group), it began a spending spree that has continued unabated to present day. The club immediately broke the British transfer record by purchasing the great Brazilian Robinho from Real Madrid for £32.5m (that figure seems quaint now), then a summer later splashed over £100m on Gareth Barry, Roque Santa Cruz, Emmanuel Adabayor, Carlos Tevez, and Joeleon Lescott. They brought in Eden Dzeko the following year (2011), and finally broke through to win a trophy, beating Stoke City to claim the F.A. Cup.

One year later, they won the Premier League in one of the most thrilling final days ever, scoring twice in stoppage time to pull out a win over Queens Park Rangers and cause Noel Gallagher to react like this from a bar in Chile (hold that thought, part two):

The rest is history. Even at this moment, City (who dropped a record £472m on transfers this summer WHILE THEY WERE UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR FINANCIAL FUCKERY) sit atop the Premier League standings, perfect through five matches.

TL;DR Piles of Emirati cash transformed an underachieving locally-supported club into a global behemoth

Okay, I think we're good on the prelude. We've talked about the charges against City and taken a bit of journey back in time to show some context. Shall we talk about where all of this gets a mite bonkers? Oh, we shall.

In the span of little more than 20 years, high-level professional soccer has changed radically from the sport of passionate fans and local communities to a worldwide commercial juggernaut. According to a Forbes analysis, the 20 EPL teams are currently valued at around $30b. Precise valuations from the time Abramovitch bought Chelsea in 2003 are hard to come by (largely because very few people gave a shit about such things), but a bit of conservative (read: we're rounding high so as not to be accused of fudging the numbers like Man City) estimation suggests that the entire league was valued at around $4.9b. 

With that kind of explosive growth comes more interest, and not just in the game. In the case of City Football Group's ownership in Abu Dhabi, that investment included far more than just football. Since 2014, ADUG has invested more than $1b in real estate development projects in Manchester, to generally positive effect. Manchester has been lauded as an exemplar of the potential for smart public-private partnerships to transform cities and communities. Former Manchester mayor Andy Burnham has branded the partnership as "Manchesterism".

Andy...Burnham. That name sounds familiar. Ah, yes. He's the new Prime Minister of the UK, having taken office a few short months ago. Just last week he said this at a major Labour Party event: “I intend to take what I did in Manchester, our plan for good growth, and drive it from the very centre of government into every postcode in Britain.”

It is no stretch to say that Burnham, who was mayor of Manchester from 2017 until early this year when he stepped down to run for Parliament, owes his entire political rise to ADUB. And when someone owes something, favors tend to get called in when the time is right. Here's an excerpt from an extremely detailed story from The Athletic on Abu Dhabi's complicated links to England:

As he sought to balance a multitude of interests, Burnham ended up in a bind when asked for his view on the possibility of City’s owners being forced out of English football.

“I would be really concerned to lose them,” Burnham told the BBC. “They’ve been such a huge partner in the building of modern Manchester and obviously the building of Manchester City into the global force that it is.

“I do actually thank the City Football Group and the wider ownership for the money that they didn’t just put into the Etihad (City’s home stadium) and the campus around it but also into the city.”

The BBC reported that Burnham said “it would be wrong for him to intervene”, yet by giving a view at all, had he already made life more difficult for those adjudicating on City’s sanctions?

I wonder why Burnham would say something like that when, "The initial judgement is serious and there can’t be any suggestion that anyone is above the rule. If wrongdoing is affirmed upon appeal, those responsible should face the appropriate consequences*.” was right there. 

*This is the statement his spokesman put out in her third attempt to sorta walk back Burnham's initial comments.

The value of trade between the UK and the UAE is estimated to exceed $25b a year. If the EPL hammers Manchester City, which is essentially owned by the UAE, how many wealthy Emiratis (and their less wealthy though still pretty comfortable English business partners) will scream bloody murder. 

Here, right in our face, is a stark example of how nation-states are using sport as a way to insinuate themselves into polite society and create immense leverage over the most powerful institutions in that society. The fucking Prime Minister is in a bind, and there's a real possibility he'll lose his job over it. Holy Sportswashing, Batman!

For a fun and interesting conversation on this particular element of the scandal, I commend to you this conversation between Roger Bennett and Rory Smith on the Men in Blazers media network.

TL;DR This thing has fucking tentacles, man! It's like a real-life episode of The Diplomat, only with soccer and without Rufus Sewell's gleeful scene-chewing.

Go on to the kitchen, grab a beer or coffee, or whatever time-appropriate chemical enhancement makes sense for you. Here's a shot of Everton fans celebrating a close escape from relegation two seasons ago. Same Everton (the club that Andy Burnham has long supported - another tentacle) that was penalized by losing total of eight points in the standings in 2024 for breaches of financial regulations on this order:

• Penalized 10 points by an independent commission for a £124.5 million loss over the three-year period ending in 2021–22, which exceeded the £105 million threshold stipulated in the rules. That deduction was reduced to six points upon appeal.
• The Toffees were hit for an additional 2 points in April for overspending by £16.6 million during the assessment period ending in 2022–23.

For the sake of journalistic integrity, we must point out that City Football Club has appealed the independent commission's findings, saying in part that the ruling contained "clear material errors, of law, principle and fact and is unsafe".

Those formalities done and dusted, let's talk crime and punishment. First in the abstract and then applied with the acknowledgement that this is very complicated web City's weaved with literal global economic and political implications.

Everton, as we learned above, had to forfeit eight points (while in a relegation scrap) for infractions worth around £36m. If we apply simple math, where each £4.5m improperly applied is worth a point in the standings, City should be on the hook for 200 points.

But Everton was lauded by the Premier League for being forthcoming and cooperative during the investigation, and their issues stemmed more from an accounting fuckup than a coordinated and prolonged fraud.

In a separate similar incident, Chelsea was assessed a two-window transfer ban (meaning they were not allowed to purchase new players at all for over a year) for financial irregularities a few years ago. That after the club itself came forward after the sale to Todd Boehly's Clearlake team to tell the EPL that they'd found some problems while reviewing the books post-transaction. By that scale, City should go a generation or so without being able to purchase players.

The EPL has a few options in terms of remedies in cases like this one, the most extreme of which is expulsion from the top four tiers of the professional football pyramid. The league can choose to deduct points from City's tally (and can do so over multiple seasons). Or, they could relegate the club within the pyramid. (In 2006, Italy's most famous club, Juventus, was implicated in an egregious match-fixing scandal known as calciopoly, relegated to Serie B, docked nine points and stripped of two league titles. A pair of club executives were given lifetime bans from working in Italian soccer.) Finally, any number of financial penalties are on the table, from fines to transfer limitations.

Before we get to what we think will happen, let's discuss WWGD, shall we? Simply put, the punishment for City should be commensurate with their transgressions. That means City Football Group should face consequences far beyond any ever levied at the highest levels of the game.

The scale of the alleged rule-breaking is massive, orders of magnitude beyond any previously uncovered. It was clearly done with intent in full knowledge that it was against the rules of the competition. During the investigation, City and its hired legal guns obfuscated, delayed, and prevaricated while ADUG and Emirati leaders made thinly-veiled economic threats against the UK. City approached the entire process with arrogant disdain, as if they were confident that there would be little to no consequence to its actions.

In our perfect world, the punishment, then, has to hurt. On the field, on the balance sheet, certainly, and in a way that lays bare the UAE's naked attempt to burnish its global credentials through sporting achievement and tarnishes its image in the same way sport elevated it in the first place.

Recognizing that there's no practical way to remove City from the league in the middle of a season, here's what Gheorghe would do:

• Immediately apply a 40-point penalty to City for the 2026-27 season. They'd stand at -25 points with 33 matches to play and need 60 points from those matches to have any chance to avoid relegation, which as we'll see will be fruitless.
• Announce that regardless of where they finish in the final standings, City will be relegated to the English League Championship for the 2027-28 season, where they'll begin with a 20-point deduction.
• Apply that same 20-point preseason deduction at the beginning of each of the following four seasons, regardless of what league City found itself in.
• Allow all City players who wish to unilaterally void their contracts and become free agents at the next transfer window. Don't blame a players one iota. They shouldn't be punished.
• Prohibit any new transfer activity for the next four windows, other than signing free agents.

Those are all in the Premier League's jurisdiction. I assume we can get the English Football Association (FA) and UEFA on board, so we'd add these punishments.

• Effective immediately, City should be banned from all non-EPL competitions in England for the next four years. Effectively, the FA Cup and the League Cup.
• Additionally, City should be dismissed from the 2026-27 Champions League and banned from the next three.

That seems a hefty price to pay, but I don't think it unwarranted.

TL;DR Gheorghe would throw almost all the books at City.

Now, back to the real world. What will actually happen?

The Premier League is in a bind. On the one hand, they're already facing pressure from political forces to account for ADUG's good works and the UAE's status as a key trade partner for the UK in their decision-making. And on the other, the integrity of the competition is at stake. If City receives something perceived as a slap on the wrist, every other club will know the rules don't matter for the rich clubs, and the lawsuits will fly thick and fast. 

Consider Tottenham Hotspur, which finished fifth in the EPL (and behind City) in 2010-11, 2012-13, 2014-15, and 2023-24? In each of those seasons, that finish missed Champions League qualification by one place, costing Spurs millions of dollars that meant they couldn't compete in the transfer market for the kind of talent that could take them to the next level. Over and over again. Would they have cause to sue?

What about any one of the dozens of teams relegated between 2009-2018 in what would have been proven a rigged competition? Leicester City's in the third division now. Think they're not ripshit?

And on and on. Individual players who lost out on wages and bonuses because their team didn't qualify for European competition? Cause for action, maybe? Coaches who were sacked because they couldn't compete with City? See you in court, motherfucker!

No, I don't envy the EPL at all.

After all those words (3,150 of them, dashed off in a rush. Meth is a hell of a drug.), I think the final answer comes down to the same thing it always does. As the bards of Staten Island sing, cash rules everything around football. Once the appeals are exhausted and City found guilty, ADUG will come to the table with an offer. They'll agree to accept guilt, sacrifice a couple of executives, and pay a massive fine. Money is truly no object to them.

The EPL will have leverage, but not all of it. They can't face the rest of the teams and the public without extracting some kind of concession. So the sides will agree that City will take a 20-point penalty this season to spare the EPL from the embarrassment of City hoisting the trophy too soon, and spend the next season in the League Championship, roster intact, with no points penalties going forward. Two windows of transfer bans will round out the consequences. So it's not a slap on the wrist, but it's nothing close to what City deserve.

And Andy Burnham and Sheikh Mansour will enjoy a really excellent cigar at some point not too far in the future.

TL;DR C.R.E.A.M.

Elephants, Acid, and Exploring the Inmost Cave

I just finished Act Two of my new Pig on the Wall series (The Long, Long Road: The Secrets to Tom Petty's Sustained Success). 

As usual, the length and content have gotten away from me-- this was supposed to be a one-episode exploration of creativity and the interesting story behind the track "Don't Come Around Here No More."

Honestly, it was a G:TB assignment and post from 2014 that inspired me!

But now I'm deep in the thick of something monstrous again. 

If you don't have the time and energy to listen to the whole thing, there is a quiz in this episode early on . . . for rock aficionados only. 

But the thing I am most proud of in the episode occurs just past the 23-minute mark. 

I had to make several montages to get a certain point across. Oddly, these montages did not exist on the internet, so I had to make them myself. 

This section also turns into an oddball one-question quiz-- give it a listen and tell me if you got the answer in the comments; I am genuinely curious

EMERGENCY TRIBE SPORTS POST

Marls texted me on Sunday in the wake of W&M's dispiriting 41-14 home loss to Holy Cross on Saturday with a take that requires further inquiry.

"This could be the worst team in Tribe history."

To which I replied "Onassis!"

In my defense, we were in the midst of a comedy rhombus with London-based Whit riffing on the fact that the Commanders' third-string quarterback is a fella with Greek heritage. Speaking of dispiriting losses.

Marls got me thinking, and one doesn't have to go too deep to determine that - at the very least - this Tribe team is in the conversation for worst team in the lifespan of Gheorghie's as Tribe fans. That dates back to the autumn of 1988, when Whit, Jersey Dave, and I first walked the sylvan grounds of The College of William and Mary.

That year, the ninth of Jimmye Laycock's 38 seasons in Williamsburg, the Tribe was an independent playing at the I-AA level. W&M left the Southern Conference in 1977 when the NCAA divided its top division into I-A and I-AA.

The 1988 edition of the Tribe had an up and down campaign. Two years removed from Laycock's first NCAA Tournament appearance, W&M lost a close opener at UVA before running off three wins in a row, including a 10-3 win on the road against 17th-ranked JMU. They lost a heartbreaker at no. 9 Delaware, beat New Hampshire and tied no. 17 Villanova before heading to Sanford Stadium in Athens to take on Georgia.

That game against the Bulldogs is one of the vivid memories of my freshman year. We listened to it on the radio in my dorm room. I assume Whit and Dave were there, but I can't be certain of that part. W&M was tied with mighty Georgia, 7-7, at the end of the first quarter and we could dream. Fate had other ideas, and UGA outscored us 35-10 in the second frame on the way to a 59-24 victory. Still, there were positive takeaways from the game. Only Mississippi State scored more points against Georgia that season. And the Tribe generate 462 yards in total offense to a team that allowed an average of 355 against an SEC schedule that year.

Lots of offense and not a ton of concern with defense, the hallmark of the Laycock era, made for an entertaining rooting experience during my time in Williamsburg. W&M finished the 1988 campaign with home wins against Wofford and Colgate before falling to Richmond in the oldest rivalry in the South. That year, the school decided to decline a bid to the I-AA playoffs and accept the opportunity to play against a team of Japanese All-Stars in the first-ever Epson Ivy Bowl in Yokohama, Japan, where W&M won, 73-3.

W&M had two more excellent seasons in 1989 and 1990, reaching the NCAA Tournament both years and advancing to the quarterfinals in my junior year before falling to Central Florida. The 1991 team lost all five of its games against ranked opponents (including a 59-35 Natrone Means-led doozy of a game against I-A no. 20 UNC) and missed out on the postseason. That season did have a silver lining, though. I spent the season working in the press box for home games, responsible for tracking each drive and compiling the drive chart for the working media. One of those ink-stained wretches was Dave Fairbank of the Daily-Press. After the final home game of the season, a 35-13 hammering at the hands of a much-faster Samford squad, my Sports Information Office colleagues and I adjourned to Paul's Deli with the aforementioned Fairbank and a few other scribes, where I got my first taste of drinking beers with professionals. No idea if OBX Dave remembers that afternoon, but I certainly enjoyed the parts of it I recall.

Jesus. Where was I? Right, the really terrible 2026 William and Mary football squad. Sorry, got wandering down memory lane for a minute. 

Bottom line: this is the worst W&M team of my Tribe-rooting lifetime. The 2012 and 2017 teams went 2-9, but both of them were competitive. The 2012 team lost six games by a touchdown or less, led Maryland until the final minutes in College Park, and lost in double-overtime on the road against no. 4 JMU. The 2017 squad was bad, but they were in the game in the fourth quarter on all but two occasions (against top-ranked JMU and no. 21 New Hampshire).

The insane ending to W&M's season-opener notwithstanding, the campaign has been one miserable outing after another. To wit:

• A week after benefitting from four Villanova turnovers and 15 Wildcat penalties in their wild win, W&M nearly blew a 22-0 fourth quarter lead at home against Delaware State, stopping the Hornets on downs in the final 90 seconds to preserve a 22-15 win. The Tribe was outgained by a 366-187 margin, recorded 10 first downs to DSU's 26, and almost lost despite a +5 turnover advantage.
• Two wins in two and feeling good headed to Lehigh. Until the Mountain Hawks scored 30 points in the game's first 21 minutes and cruised to a 44-20 win. Only got outgained 486-342 in this one, so...progress?
• Not so fast, my friend. Woeful Fordham came to town the following week, their 0-3 record in tow, and proceeded to put 52 points on W&M. They've scored 37 in their other five games combined. The Rams rushed for 428 yards that day. They've gained 417 total in their remaining contests to date. Their win against the Tribe remains their only victory on the season.
• The less we say about the following week's 62-7 loss at Duke, the better. We will note that Marls was in Durham with his Duke-alum wife and chose not to wear green and gold. No dummy, Marls.
• Holy Cross coming to town at 1-4 with a defense that had allowed at least 30 points in each of its first five games seemed ripe for a get-well opportunity for W&M. Ah, well, nevertheless. The Crusaders led, 31-7, early in the third quarter and won, 41-14. The Tribe gained 31 yards on 29 carries and 253 total yards against a team that had allowed an average of 412 coming into the matchup.
• W&M is being outscored by an average of 20.17 points per game (and they've fucking won twice!). Opponents are outgaining the Tribe 479.2 to 294.3 yards per game (269.0 to 91.3 on the ground). Jesus (William) Mary and Joseph.

It's not so much that the Tribe are losing. That happens. It's more that they've been absolutely uncompetitive for four consecutive weeks, the last two against dreadful teams at home. It's frankly embarrassing, and we've never been able to say that about W&M football in my 38 years of rooting for the Green and Gold.

Maybe it gets better, as the Tribe face a poor N.C. Central team and winless Georgetown in the next two. There's no evidence that it will though, and in fact, it sure seems that this staff is ill-equipped to deal with the realities of modern college football, which means we could be in for a long stretch of dismal football.

Onassis!

The Protect College 'Administrators' Act, Part Next

Technically, the legislation aimed at providing stability to college sports is halfway to becoming law. In practical terms, however, it may be much further from the finish line. The Protect College Sports Act passed the Senate last week by a 77-22 margin, which nearly qualifies as a landslide in today’s polarized Congress. Now it must pass the House of Representatives, no small feat among the larger, more diverse legislative body. 

Texas Senator Ted Cruz, one of the bill’s co-sponsors, said he thinks the House will reconvene in the coming days to take up and pass the legislation, though Speaker/weasel Mike Johnson, the Republican from Louisiana, sent representatives home early last month until after the November mid-term elections and said himself that reconvening is unlikely. 

One Democrat House staff member told Yahoo Sports college snoop Ross Dellenger, “That bill is dead.” Another told him, “We have no intention to return to take up this bill before the mid-term elections.” The contentiousness appears to be both procedural and personal, with a heaping helping of disapproval of the bill itself. The House doesn’t routinely rubber-stamp legislation passed by the Senate, and one Congressional expert told Dellenger that there are plenty of House members cheesed off at Cruz for holding up House-passed legislation in the Senate. Some are also peeved that several proposals from a similar, House-authored bill called the SCORE Act that couldn’t garner enough support for a floor vote aren’t included in the PCSA. 

If House members do indeed take up the Senate’s bill, they could and likely would insert changes and amendments that the Senate would have to sign off on before final approval. Meanwhile, Democrats hold out hope of taking control of the House in November, so why would they reconvene under the current slim Republican majority? Also, there’s the optics of reps assembling to take up college sports legislation while ignoring issues such as the war with Iran, tariffs, inflation, foreign policy and any number of more pressing matters. And then there’s the bill itself. 

The PCSA purports to create Federal, uniform guardrails and guidance amid the shifting landscape of athlete payment and movement. Instead, it’s likely to give back, or curtail, many of the benefits and freedoms athletes won in numerous court cases over the past couple decades and return control to the suits and administrators. The biggest gift is granting the NCAA an antitrust exemption, a shield against action or lawsuits brought on behalf of athletes or schools. Because yes, by all means we should greenlight the restaurateur with a track record of health code violations and salmonella outbreaks to open another eatery. 

The NCAA fought tooth-and-nail for years to uphold amateurism as its foundation, while schools and conferences and coaches made tens of millions of dollars, and conference realignment caused its own brand of upheaval. Courts regularly struck down NCAA limits and opened the door for athletes to earn money and to transfer more freely in search of both money and playing time. The PCSA, as currently worded, would create a strictly regulated revenue-share salary cap; would limit athlete transfer policy (one transfer without penalty); create a five-year eligibility limit for athletes; create an agent registry with a five-percent maximum fee; limit conference expansion; create a path for Football Bowl Subdivision conferences to pool media rights; prohibit coaches who leave before a season ends from performing duties at their new school (the so-called Lane Kiffin Rule). 

Proponents of the bill say these measures will replace the patchwork of state legislation and bring stability to a sporting landscape that’s become chaotic, as well as expensive. Critics point to the questionable wisdom of Federal oversight of college sports – for example, see Missouri Senator Eric Schmitt’s gaffealicious inability to differentiate between the Iowa Hawkeyes and the NBA’s Atlanta Hawks, while attempting to grill former prosecutor Jack Smith. Critics also take issue with the potential limitation of athletes’ freedom and earning potential, and rewarding the NCAA with renewed powers after decades of feckless and shortsighted management. 

Though there’s bipartisan support of the bill (50 Republicans and 27 Democrats approved) there’s also bipartisan opposition. The 58-member Congressional Black Caucus, a group of Democrats, opposed the SCORE Act, as did a sizeable number of the 30-member, conservative GOP Freedom Caucus – albeit for different reasons. The CBC has already come out publicly against the current legislation. As Dellenger pointed out, both the Congressional Black Caucus and Freedom Caucus have members on the powerful House Rules Committee, which must approve any legislation for it to reach the floor for a full vote. If the bill doesn’t pass before the end of the calendar year, it goes back to square one and must be re-submitted and re-approved by both chambers. 

Even if the PCSA passes and President Trump signs it into law, which he’s said he’ll do, it won’t magically and immediately transform college sports. Expect any number of legal challenges related to salary caps, earning caps, transfer limits, agent fee limits, Title IX considerations and pre-emption of state laws on eligibility and NIL payments to athletes over Tenth Amendment concerns, which states that the Federal government only has the powers granted to it by the U.S. Constitution and that the states have power over everything else; the Framers were notably silent on college athletics.

The Gheorghie Caper

Ostensibly, the news from ComicBook.com that arrived earlier this month seems bleak. The headline alone is enough to make a person of a certain age sadly nostalgic: "The Muppet Show’s Disney+ Future Gets Grim Update Despite Multiple Emmy Nominations".

I'm here to tell you, friends, that we didn't watch 120 episodes of The Muppet Show, eight Muppets feature films, four made-for-TV movies, and a shitload of Mylo the Cat Muppet rap videos to watch the Muppetverse fade into oblivion. 

If we learned nothing else from The Great Muppet Caper, we know that when things seem at their darkest, when our luck seems to have run out, when the cement mixer we stole after we broke out of prison to steal back the diamond from the villainous models runs out of gas, as long as we believe and have really good writers who aren't afraid of a seeming coincidence, there's always hope.

Conservatively, we've written 1.7 million words in more than 5,600 posts over G:TB's 20+ years as a content factory. Exact figures are hard to come by, but it's safe to say we've mentioned and/or featured Muppets in 10% of that output - we know, love, and honor the source material. Whitney and Dave have written at least one screenplay. I was once cast as Christopher Robin in a touring production of Winnie the Pooh (true story, and a real what-might-have-been moment for your boy). The Teej stars in a recurring role as McFisty on the interwebs. We have writers, actors, and vaguely Muppet-looking dudes in abundance.

All of which is to say: we have the talent, the background, the mindset, and the opportunity to do something the world desperately needs. Our namesake is a movie star, and definitely friends with Muppets, for Chrissakes!

Put differently, in a way more theatrically fitting: Gheorghies, we've trained our entire lives for this moment. 

The Muppets will not go out quietly. Not on our watch. Today, we announce a brand new feature film from the people that brought you Gheorgasbord, Whitneypedia, and zbouillabaisse: coming to theatres near you at some point in the near-to-distant future, Gheorghe: The Muppet Adventure (working title).

Three Reasons to Listen to Sweeping Promises

rob demanded content to entertain him while his battered bits mend so content he shall have--content that I intend to become a recurring bit.  Let's see if I follow through.  The premise: I give you three songs to motivate you to check out a band you might not know.  Today that band is Sweeping Promises.

Wikipedia says "Sweeping Promises is an American post-punk duo from Boston, Massachusetts, now based in Lawrence, Kansas, consisting of Lira Mondal and Caufield Schnug."  I first heard their song Pain Without a Touch a few years ago.  It was released as a single and I heard it in passing and didn't drill down on the band, but I really enjoy it.  Here's a live version.

I love it when people who do not look conventionally cool do incredibly cool stuff.  Their first album, Hunger for a Way Out, has a very similar vibe to Pain Without a Touch.  It's a bit one-dimensional but worth taking a spin through.  Here's a live version of Cross Me Out.

They released a new album last month, You Say I Romanticize, and it's cool too.  It features songs with very Greasetruckian titles like My Friend's an Entomologist and Does He Want To Be The Weatherman?  My favorite at the moment is Accent.

They're doing two shows in Medford (ahem, Squeaky) then DC and Richmond, all in November.  Check 'em out!

WWDD, an Anti-Political Prescription

I found it heartening, if not surprising, that the news of Dolly Parton's passing was met with an outpouring of emotion and love, and a flood of fond memories from every corner of the globe - geographically, sure, but culturally, as well. Rock stars, actors, authors, everyday people, and politicians - everyone that had anything to say about Dolly did so in an overwhelmingly positive way.

Been thinking about that last category of folks ever since Dolly left us.

Nearly everything you could see on the surface about Dolly would suggest a conservative-coded person, politically speaking. From her upbringing in a poor family in a very rural environment to the way she presented herself visually as an old-school sex symbol - curvy and coiffed but never tawdry - to her accent to her "aww-shucks-I'm-just-a-little-ol'-girl-from-Tennessee" manner to the music she wrote and released, it would be easy to imagine a right-wing lean in her personal politics. I suspect more than a few MAGA folk thought she was one of them.

Just as the face Dolly showed the public belied a whip-smart businesswoman with interests far beyond music, so too did her less-obvious actions open a window into how she actually saw the world. Among many other things, Dolly Parton:

• Gave families $1,000/month for 6 months in 2016, when wildfires hit her Smoky Mountain hometown
• Supported flood survivors in Middle TN with a $700,000 donation in 2021,
• Donated $1M to fund COVID vaccine research in 2020
• Gave $1M in 2024, after Hurricane Helene, and her foundation matched it.
• Supported the LGBTQ+ community way before it was fashionable, once saying, "I've had to go against all kinds of people through the years just to be myself. I think everybody should be allowed to be who they are and love who they love."
• She included lyrics about supporting gay family members in her 1991 song, "Family"
• She came out in support of marriage equality in 2009
• Was openly supportive of queer people visiting Dollywood, her Pigeon Forge, TN resort and amusement park
• True story: Dolly once entered a drag Dolly-lookalike contest...and lost!
• Speaking of Dollywood, in 2021, as housing prices climbed in its Smoky Mountain region, Dolly's company (motto: "Lead with Love") built a 750-unit apartment complex for seasonal, international, and temporary employees who would otherwise have difficulty affording lodging. 
• Famously donated more than 300 million books (and counting) to children across the world through her Imagination Library program.

I'm quite sure there are scores of other examples, public and private, of how Dolly lived her truth. A truth that hewed a lot closer to Jesus' teaching than does much of what passes for today's American Christianity and "conservative" values. She famously and conspicuously avoided taking public political positions, but as an online commentator said after she died, "Dolly Parton’s life is a political statement for those with eyes to see and ears to hear."

If I may be so bold, here's a short list of how I'd answer the question What Would Dolly Do?, as a personal and political prescription:

• Be yourself
• Laugh with your whole body
• Love your people fiercely, and love everyone else, too
• Care for the least among us
• Tell bigots and misogynists to go fuck themselves (in the "bless your heart" sorta way)
• Lift up children
• Support science
• Sing, dance, make music, and make fun.

I tell you what. If someone ran for office on that platform, they'd get my vote.

zbouillabaise is back

Here are a few interesting things I saw on the interwebs that aren't meaty enough to turn into a post, but if you stew them together they're meaty enough for a serving of zbouillabaise.

1. New Zealand parking lots are intense

A woman collapsed in a New World supermarket parking lot in Orewa, New Zealand.  Her heart stopped--she was dead--but a good Samaritan sprung into action and revived her with chest compressions, then disappeared into the crowd.  An ambulance took her to the hospital so the woman's car remained in the parking lot for about five-and-a-half hours.  You're only allowed 90 minutes in the New World lot so she got an $80 ticket.  Upon learning of her death, resurrection, and hospitalization, the supermarket relented ... by reducing the fine to $30.  Only upon facing public outrage did they withdraw the fine completely.  So if you're ever in New Zealand, make sure you're parked in a no-fee lot if you're planning on going to the hospital after temporarily dying.  Because New Zealand parking lots are intense.

via GIPHY

2. Dale Caldwell is insane

Mikie Sherrill, the governor of New Jersey, released an independent report confirming various improprieties committed by Dale Caldwell, her lieutenant governor, including trying to get a state job for his girlfriend and sexually harassing women on his staff.  The report confirmed that Caldwell asked one of his aides if her friend (who is much younger than him) was single and upon learning that the friend wasn't interested said that young women like them were ambitious and successful and needed a man who was in a position to help them, "but you young women are looking for young sperm."  As Johnny G once said, "I'm no Wilt Chamberlain," but in my experience women are looking for a man with nice eyes and a nice smile, or muscular arms and ripped abs, or a good sense of humor and a warm heart, or a well-paying job and his own place, or a strong sense of honesty and decency.  I've never heard a woman say "I'm looking for sperm" of any variety, let alone young.  Dale Caldwell is insane.  And twixt the time I started writing this and the time it posted, he resigned at Sherrill's request.

via GIPHY

3. Deshaun Watson does not provide good ROI

Deshaun Watson lamented the disrespect fans showed by booing him in the preseason.  "I think the whole world knows it has nothing to do about the performance," Watson said. "It's a little bit [more] personal than that. So I think it's a disrespectful thing. So yeah, I mean, I'm going to keep whatever I feel with me and my family internally on how I feel about that. And yeah, just move on."

I think it's perfectly fine to be disrespectful given his history of sexual assault, but there's also no reason to show him respect for what he's done on the field over the last four seasons.  Here are some numbers (you know I love numbers):

Allen has an asterisk because he played in 68 games but the Damar Hamlin game never finished and thus isn't included in his official stats.  In short, the Browns paid a shit-ton of money for not a lot of performance.  $183M for 19 games!  Here are more numbers:

Watson looks even worse on a dollars-per-stat basis.  $8M per touchdown!  I don't know how to put a dollar value on the picks Cleveland traded for him, including three first rounders, but it's safe to say they got a terrible return on their investment in Watson.  And twixt the time I started doing this math and the time it posted, he has a 112.9 passer rating and a fourth quarter comeback featuring a game-winning drive.

4. Caption this

I invite you to caption this photo of Donald Trump with Xi Jinping and their wives at Joint Base Andrews where Trump had US servicemen literally roll out the red carpet for China's genocidal communist dictator.

Take a Break

For the first time ever, the footballing world, men's division, is taking a three-week long break from club competition to provide time for international matches. FIFA chose to consolidate traditional September and October breaks into a single, longer period, which seems to be pretty sensible (and thus, very un-FIFA) - teams have more time to train together and gain more continuity, and the travel burden on players is halved. 

The nature of the matches in this window vary from the highly competitive UEFA Nations League and AFCON qualifiers to a bunch of friendlies between minnows (Dominica beat Anguilla, 1-0, on Monday, for example) and Lionel Messi's farewall match for Argentina on October 7. 

Here at home, USMNT skipper Mauricio Pochettino is using the extended break to integrate a number of youngsters into the senior national team setup. Of note, 16 year-old Philadelphia Union winger Cavan Sullivan, who's been tearing up MLS over the past month, is set to make his debut for the now aptly-nicknamed Baby Eagles. He's joined in the squad by fellow teenagers Neil Pierre (18 year-old center back), Mathis Albert (17, MF), Adri Mehmeti (17, MF), Julian Hall, (18, F), Peyton Miller, (18, D), Justin Ellis (19, F), and Zavier Gozo (19, MF). Cole Campbell (20, F) and Frankie Westfield (20, D) are relative codgers, comparatively. 

The U.S. play Peru, Chile, Mexico and Canada over the next several weeks. Grown-ass men on those first sides - the baptism could be a bit toasty.

The lengthy break gives club teams and their followers a chance to assess the season's first month and figure out what's gone well and what leaks need to be patched. It also gives me an opportunity to take a quick look at my preseason Premier League prognostications after five matches. It's too early to draw any conclusions (and thank the soccer gods, because if the season ended now I'd look like an idiot), but we can see some outlines of the story that'll play out over the remaining 33 matches.

So what have we learned?

The level is insanely high and the league is very deep. Among other evidence:

• Brighton walloped defending champs and previously unbeaten Arsenal, 3-0 in the last match before the break and has scored more goals than anyone else in the league.
• Bournemouth and Sunderland both had Manchester City dead to rights at the Etihad before the home side pulled off escapes.
• Leeds and Everton are both unbeaten (two wins and three draws)
• European results thus far are outstanding:
• EPL teams are 5-0 in the Champions League, 3-0 in the Europa League, and 1-1-0 (W-D-L) in the Conference League

Big names on either the front or back of a kit don't guarantee results. Tottenham Hotspur spent over $400m on new contracts this summer. At the time of this writing, and for at least the next three weeks, that entire roster has as many league goals as do the G:TB staff. Manchester United is off to the worst start in the club's 35-year Premier League history.

The G:TB Coaching Primacy Theorem offers mixed returns thus far. Andoni Iraola's Liverpool are unbeaten, but two wins and three draws in five have raised eyebrows at Anfield. Xabi Alonso's Chelsea team look exceptional going forward at times. They've also allowed more goals than any other squad. Spurs' Roberto de Zerbi has overseen a clusterfuck. Meanwhile, we scoffed at Enzo Maresca's potential at Manchester City, and the oddball Italian has his side top of the table with five wins in a row.

Enjoy the break and the opportunity for the young Americans to stake their claim to the future of the program. And maybe don't pay much attention to our preseason predictions.

Hubris!

You may have heard about Meta's $17.1 billion settlement with various school districts and Native American tribes who claimed that Meta knowingly hooked children on social media.  The "Perry Mason moment" precipitating this settlement was the trial judge's order to unseal a document that was partially redacted to obscure attorney-client privileged material.  This revealed information that damaged Meta's case and, more importantly, it showed that Meta's attorneys improperly over-redacted under a privilege fig leaf.  In other words Meta's craven lawyers lied that stuff was privileged in order to hide it from the other side.  You can't do that.

The judge appointed a special master to review all of Meta's privilege designations and along the way they learned that Instagram's legal team signed off on company swag hats embroidered with "a/c priv."  You can't make this up.

These fools are so crooked and so hubristic that they hubristically thought they could tout their crookedness!  But like a tragic Greek figure, their hubris did them in.  The judicial fallout isn't complete yet but I expect a hell of a bench slap on this.

None of this would've happened if these jackals watched The Wire.  If you do something bad, don't leave a paper trail.  Or an embroidery trail.

Hypocrisy in Lauren Boebert's Glass House

Rep. Lauren Boebert has been through some things.  She became a grandmother when she was 36 and her son was 17, which means she became a mother at 19.  Shortly thereafter she got divorced.  I don't know the logistical complications that required her to bring her grandson to her divorce hearing, but I suspect a 17-year-old dad isn't the most reliable, responsible dad so maybe this was an emergency child care situation.

Somewhere in between all that she was thrown out of a musical performance of Beetlejuice for some vaping and heavy petting with her date.

I can't relate to a lot of this.  I didn't have my first child until I was 37, and I cannot imagine zson convincing a woman to procreate with him now, in two years when he's 17, or even in 20 years.  Ever, really.  I don't know why there is a musical version of Beetlejuice or why anyone would want to see it.  But I have been divorced and I can tell you that some weird stuff happens.

I can also tell you that weird stuff passes relatively quickly and you settle back into normalcy, at least if you're healthy.  Boebert is still trying to find herself and it's getting surprising.

Someone recently filed a complaint against her with the Ethics Committee of the House of Representatives, accusing her of having sex with three of her staffers, including her Chief of Staff, and paying one of them $200,000 to secure their silence about these improper relationships.  The most surprising part of this story is that two of the people involved are women.  I say "surprising" because Boebert has a history of homophobia.

Predictably, she denies it.  I obviously don't have all the facts so I don't know the truth, but it seems unlikely that someone would go on the record with a complaint like this unless they have the receipts (and in fact the complaint attaches some literal receipts showing how much the staff members were paid).

I hope Boebert figures things out, finds happiness, fills whatever void she has in her soul.  But this whole situation irritates the daylights out of me for the rampant hypocrisy.  Not because of the homophobia, which is awful but could potentially arise from her own ill-placed self-loathing.  I'm talking about her reaction when two other representatives were recently accused of having sexual relations with staffers.  What those guys did was atrocious, don't get me wrong, but Boebert called for their pensions and provided this gem of a soundbite: 

#NEW: Rep. @laurenboebert talks sexual misconduct allegations on the Hill "Why is everybody so horny here?" She says people need to "go to church. Find Jesus." https://t.co/KASrfx7lkc

— Vinay Simlot (@VinaySimlot) April 16, 2026

Glass houses, my friends.  Or should I say glass houses of representatives?  I look forward to Boebert donating her pension to It Gets Better.

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Gheorghasbord, Fashion is Dumb Edition

We are truly spanning the globe to bring you...some wild-ass shit, man. We've got the intersection of sport and local culture, a truly inexplicable bit of high fashion, and the ongoing expansion of pickles into every corner of our lives.

Oktoberfest (Wiesn to locals) kicked off this week in Munich, and the local football club got into the action on and off the pitch. Bayern Munich is a commercial juggernaut, so it's only natural they'd get into the Wiesn merch game. First, a special one-off kit to celebrate the festive season:

The Bavarians smoked FC Union Berlin, 7-0, while wearing these over the weekend, so maybe it may be more than a one-kit wonder.

If you're into a more traditional getup for Wiesn and you still want to rep your favorite side, perhaps I can interest you in a pair of Bayern Munich lederhosen for a cool $800:

And if you're a completist, you'll need to add a traditional shirt to match for $115:

You'll likely want to wear something underneath that getup. Leather on bare privates seems uncomfortable. But you might not want to shop at Saks. If you do, though, $875 seems a fair price to pay for something versatile:

All of that stuff seems normal enough, I suppose. Let's see what our fashion-forward friends at KFC have been up to since we checked in on their pickle-inspired duds. Still riding the pickle, is what.

KFC Australia has swapped its famous red for pickle green in Picklecore, a fashion-inspired campaign by Special Australia that turns a limited-edition gherkin menu into an entire aesthetic.

The campaign borrows the logic of fashion micro-trends, treating pickle obsession less like a flavour preference and more like something people might wear. Teaser billboards feature imaginary pickle lipsticks, watches and trousers, while a 15-second film gives the range the full high-fashion treatment, complete with techno soundtrack and glossy styling.

It really seems like they're trying to make Picklecore happen, too. Check out this video, and think about what all of this says about the world we live in.

Hook 'Em: A Longhornucopia

University of Texas football is having a moment, or more accurately, a series of moments that might be called a mixed bag. The Longhorns staged a comeback for the ages last Saturday night in Austin, coming from behind to beat top-ranked Ohio State, a win that propelled them to No. 1 in this week’s poll. In the immediate afterglow, Coach Steve Sarkisian all but blew off ESPN sideline reporter Holly Rowe, offering a few words and a Hook ‘Em Horns hand signal to viewers before jogging off to the locker room. 

It was a mite rude and pissy, but hardly a serious transgression, given that those brief exchanges are uniformly value-less. But because nothing rude and pissy occurs that cannot be made worse, various creators fired up the AI meme machine and produced fake interviews between Sark and Rowe that made the rounds on social media. One has him flashing a middle finger at the camera while smoking a cigar and Rowe munching an oversized cupcake, while another has Sark violently slapping Rowe to the ground and running off. 

Longhorns quarterback Arch Manning, he of the House of Manning football dynasty, was asked at a Monday presser if he had seen any of the AI video interviews. With others off-camera laughing around him, Manning beamed and said that he had seen a couple and offered, “I saw an AI edit of Sark’s interview. Y’all seen that one? That’s a good one — of him slapping Holly Rowe. It’s hilarious.” 

What the actual hell? A man backhanding a woman upside the head and knocking her to the ground – even artificially created – is “a good one” and “hilarious?” Really? Maybe you chalk it up to Manning being a 21-year-old meathead and locker room bro culture. Hey Arch, remember way back in August about Good Good Golf’s bobsled run into the dumpster after their TV commercial that featured a man pushing a woman to the ground for touching his new driver? All fun and games, right? 

In any case, blowback was swift and Manning on Tuesday apologized on Instagram for his remarks. “There is nothing funny about it,” he wrote. “It’s easy to say I didn’t mean it, but I know my words and actions were hurtful to a lot of people. I do not take that lightly and am deeply sorry for that.” He apologized to Rowe specifically: “I have a ton of respect for her and appreciate her showing me grace in this moment. I need to do better and will be more thoughtful going forward.” 

Exchange “thoughtful” for “guarded” and “cautious” and we might be on to something. 

In the runup to Saturday’s game, ESPN’s GameDay was in Austin. One highlight was a UT freshman nailing a field goal for $1.2 million, followed by hugs and handshakes from Longhorn celeb-alum and regular sideline presence Matthew McConaughey and a pledge to donate half the money to charity. A less successful segment featured Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who droned on for almost ten minutes about the Protect College Sports Act and its importance in restoring order to college athletics. 

Cruz is one of the bill’s co-authors, though its language and provisions have changed repeatedly, so “sponsor” is probably a more accurate description. Regardless of the final version, which might come up for a Senate vote in the coming weeks, the upshot is a measure that will reduce the leverage that college athletes have gained through various court rulings and NCAA fecklessness. 

The PCSA has both bipartisan support and significant opposition. Some of the pushback might be due to Cruz himself. He was relentlessly booed and heckled during his segment, and it’s not a stretch to wonder if some people will reflexively oppose the bill, figuring that anything he lends his name to is worth resisting. 

Former Minnesota Senator Al Franken wrote in his autobiography: “I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.” The late Senator Lindsey Graham once said in a speech at the Washington Press Club that, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.” 

Cruz’s general prickliness was more than matched by a gent named Bo French, a Republican running for a seat on the Texas Railroad Commission. He was so inspired by the Longhorns’ victory that he posted a photo of a section of celebrating students whose skin tones suggested their ancestors didn’t arrive on the Mayflower. 

“I heard UT graduation this year looked like this,” he wrote on Elon Musk’s shitscape site. “I didn’t believe it. The problem is now obviously far worse than anyone imagined.” In case dogs didn’t hear the whistle, he continued, “I weep for the families in Texas who can’t get into UT because they prioritize foreigners over Texans” and added, “Like body-cams exposed criminals, social media is exposing how many Americans have been displaced by foreigners.” 

Hard to know where to start with this. First, French offered no evidence that those kids in the pic weren’t native Texans. Second, UT Austin doesn’t prioritize foreigners over Texans; state law requires that 90 percent of first-year students must be state residents, and 75 percent of those must be automatically admitted; as recently as 2023, applicants in the top six percent of their high school class were also automatically admitted. Foreigners also happen to pay higher tuition than in-state students, which helps Texas state schools maintain lower than average in-state tuition rates. 

It’s unclear if French is a true xenophobic twatwaffle or has simply made the calculation that going full bigot is a winning strategy with his base. Contemptible either way. Some within his own party have called him out, notably outgoing Texas Senator John Cornyn, who posted on X/Twitter: “Are other Republican elected officials going to condemn the intolerance and racism, or look the other way while it becomes normalized.” 

Predictably, Cornyn caught some gas from far right corners, including a TV host who blasted him for “liberal moralizing” and for criticizing “a Patriot acknowledging that Texans didn’t ask for their state to become a playground for the third world.” I might argue that Third World residents looking for a playground can find plenty more welcoming locations than Texas. 

So, as the top-ranked Longhorns prepare for a visit from overmatched Texas-San Antonio and set themselves up for a potential playoff berth, laughing off memes about violence against women, flawed legislation stumped by unpopular figures and outright racism by candidates for statewide office in an ethnically diverse country are episodes that even a roomful of McConaugheys can’t pretty up.