George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People

At least that's what Kanye West thinks. See, the problem with live television is that it's, well, live. That thunking sound you heard last night was the result of several dozen jaws hitting network control panels and executive desks in unison as West capped off his bizarre screed on NBC's disaster relief telethon. Think Mike Myers beat his agent with a used Wayne's World t-shirt after having to stand next to West, dumbly transfixed and clearly wondering why his Canadian ass got dragged into this shit?

We're not gonna get all political on ya'll in this space - lots of digital ink is getting spilled in the service of power in plenty of other corners of the blogosphere - but the Hurricane Katrina race card is on the table now, and the next week will be interesting to watch. Good thing TeeJay's headed somewhere without an internet thingy.

Introducing Mr. and Mrs. T.J. Wilson

Oh, wow, did I find TJ Wilson. Now you HAVE to take her name . . . you've always been"The Stampede Kid" to us, anyway.

I'm looking for Ray Finkle...

So much to type, so little strength to do it. This is my last day at GTB for awhile, as I am off to marry the FMD in Nags Head, NC. A week at the beach of boozing and schmoozing is just what the doctor ordered (and the wedding thing is a nice touch too). In my absence I hope Dennis and Whitney can hold down the fort (and maybe founder Rob can pop in as well). I plan on hitting the local library once or twice, and if some wedding week wisdom comes to mind, I'll share it with the world wide web. Seriously, write more stuff about your wedding...tool.

And that's right folks, I'm drunk right now (courtesy of a great time with Butt, FMB, and FMD) (ooh, second parenthesis - Whit, beer at Noon time?) I forgot to mention that the DJ last night at the Ugly Mug is the best DJ ever to walk the planet Earth. Apparently, he's also the DJ at the Mad Hatter (Jerry's REAL Nirvana) and he's the king of classic rock. Journey, Chicago, Boston...Foreigner. The man's a god damn genius.

Raaaaaaaanch!

Happy Fucking Birthday Mr. F-B-I Agent Keanu Reeves...I found this humorous...
Sometimes Credited As:
Norman Kreeves
K.C. Reeves
Chuck Spidena

If Snoop Were a 17th Century Poet...

The following quote is from an upcoming Johnny Depp film about an infamous poet, the Earl of Rochester:

Rochester: You've cut me down, I must confess; but in your mouth my balls must rest.

I might have to see this one. Could be alot of poop jokes in a British accent - always gets a laugh out of me. Then again, I think American Dad is funny...

Jerry's Nirvana

I think young Flantzini is going to make lots of friends here.

I am alive and well, brain seems to be functioning a bit better, which means I hope to bore you later on with tales of OJ and Lohan. First, I need a big cup of java and an artery-clogging breakfast sandwich (which reminds me, how fucking freaky is that Burger King "guy"? He recovers fumbles for TDs?). Second, anyone got a generic/sample RFP they want to send GTB? He seems to have something called "work" to do today. Bumming...
...
...
...
Raaaaaaaaaaaanch!

Update: Thanks to the world wide web for several "suggestions" of RFPs. I must say though, I think I've found a winner.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaanch!

Man, I'm not even allowed to be hungover for 72 hours around here. Yes, AC was fantastic, and yes, it did quite a number on my internal organs, and yes, my wedding is less than two weeks away. Props to all those that made it to AC and made the Showboat our personal playground for the weekend (round of applause to Social Chair Dennis for a job well done). I lack both wit and intelligence today (how is that different than any other day you say?) but let me just say that the new Wendy's Ranch Tooth commercial is the greatest commercial of all time (and I'm 99% sure that is Adam Corolla doing the voice). If you have not had the pleasure of seeing the Ranch Tooth ad, I strongly suggest you board yourself up in your house until you do. I'd add something about baseball and the wild card races, or even college football starting up, but seriously, do you know how long it just took me to type this????
Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaanch!

Eddie! I would like to talk to yououuuuuuuuuuu! HALF! I want HALF Eddie!...All right, forget Katie and Tom, it's Mariah and Eddie time. Carey and Murphy were seen canoodling in Miami over the weekend, according to my inside sources (otherwise known as the New York Daily News). Here's hoping these two crazy kids can make it in the topsy-turvy world of celebrity dating. Don't worry, GTB is here to keep you informed...by scouring Page Six daily for updates.

Have You Seen Me?

LOST: One twentysomething blogger of some notoriety, best known for publishing Gheorghe, a blog about nothing. Last seen in the company of a group of males in Atlantic City, NJ, spouting movie quotes and calling people "donkey." If spotted, please lure him in with light beer, News of the Weird headlines, and OJ jokes, and direct him to resume his job at Gheorghe before his sea of readers go elsewhere for their witty commentary and puerile wisdom. Please encourage him to abandon delivering posts on his other blog, Confessions of a Manchild in Betrothal-Town: The Deepest Fears and Intimate Secrets of a Fiancé, where he's been chronicling his passage either into the land of matrimony or massive nervous breakdown. Sure, it's more compelling reading over there, but come on, we need our J.R.-Rider-smoked-pot-out-of-his-nephew's-baby-booties updates, man.

Let's have a bachelor party with chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze!

1984, or as I like to call it, The Year of Hanks. Tom was swimming with the fishes, tagging the sweet mermaid ass of Daryl Hannah, but better yet, he was tearing up the screen (along with 80s heart throb Adrian Zmed) as lovable bachelor Rick Gassko in the aptly titled hit Bachelor Party. What does this useless, rambling intro have to do with anything? Well, in a few hours, some other solid citizens and I will be hitting that gem of a city Atlantic City for my own bachelor party, and I am looking forward to some O'Doul's, the newest issue of Atlantic Monthly, and a few games of bridge. One other question - anyone know where I can rent a barbituate-taking donkey?

Gentlemen...start your boners...MLB made this one easy. On Wednesday they announced Viagra will now sponsor the Comeback Player of the Year Award. A match made in heaven.

Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left...This is the greeting I imagine Tom Sizemore giving everytime he opens his door. Over/Under on how long before that guy kicks the can?

By the way, my name is Tim and I'm always available. I also do engine work on BMW's...To multi-talented media mouthpiece Curt Schilling, who has never met a media appearance he didn't like. Curt is apparently shocked and appalled that Raffy Palmeiro sat next to him and lied before Congress. Pitcher, doctor, social conscience...douchebag. Can someone please mute Curt before he lectures us on the war in Iraq or the AIDS crisis in Africa? He's MLB's Bono, minus the cool sunglasses.

Goatate, batboy!!

A batboy who took a dare to chug a gallon of milk has been suspended six games by the Marlins.The batboy drank the milk in the alotted time frame (an hour), but couldn't hold it down. Brad Penny, the instigator in this dare is not happy with the suspension, and has a good point. ''It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk,'' Penny said.

In a related story, Jeff Weaver vomited on himself after failing the Saltine Challenge. He is also an admitted psychopath. But, we love him. Wouldn't it be fun to spend some quality time in the Dodger clubhouse - not a very boring place to be. Between, Milton Bradley's general insanity, Jeff Kent's racial slurs, Jeff Weaver's imaginary friends, and the batboy performing circus tricks I can't imagine a more stimulating environment.

GTwiB Notes

I can't call them Poopy anymore eh? The Kansas City Royals showed me...and though the A's should be downright embarrassed losing to the Royals, props to those guys for coming out and fighting like it was the playoffs. The streak ended at 19 straight losses, and was promptly followed by 2 wins over a supposed playoff contender. Right now, the A's look like the hoops team that just came from 30 down to tie the score in the final minutes, only to be exhausted and end up losing by 8. They're outta gas (something the FMD probably wishes I was out of...OH). All flatulence aside, GTB apparently has the ability to mock the Royals into wins, and jinx the Nats into more terrible losses (and in case you haven't noticed, Frank Robinson is getting VERY grumpy). Whitney is looking for the ultimate double dip: a Mets playoff appearance and a case of PBR.

Man, I never saw this coming - Jeff Kent and Milton Bradley are going to kill each other. Kent criticized Bradley over the weekend, Bradley now says Kent doesn't deal well with blacks. From everything I've ever read or heard about Kent, he is a humongous asshole and a redneck to boot. But here's the thing...Milton Bradley is FUCKING CRAZY. Seriously, crazy. Given the Dodgers season has been over for quite awhile, I cannot wait to see how this plays out, because there is no way this is a dead issue. I mean, I am fully expecting a complete meltdown in the dugout in the next week or so. Perhaps a baseball bat to the head even. Good times.

I've been watching "Wanted" on TNT the last few weeks, and I highly recommend it. Fast paced, good action sequences, serviceable dialogue. The one catch - you need to get over the fact Lumbergh (Hello Peter, what's happening...) is the boss of this elite task force.

Bye bye jackass Bob Huggins. Never thought much of him as a coach, and won't be sad to see him go. But I do wonder what kind of dog and pony show the Cincy administration is running. Why the hell didn't they just get rid of him in May when they decided not to renew his deal? If the answer is they enjoyed hanging him out to dry, I like it.

Our one link today comes from GTB non-reader James of NYC. I'll let him set it up..."Most shocking thing about this article is that Gooden can still be driving a 2004 beamer."

Hot Mutton Action and a Million Lettuce & Tomatoes

In case you haven't visited Michael Jack over at Hot Action (linked at right), he's got some big news -- a veritable watershed moment coming up for this corner of the blogosphere. There was some debate as to exactly how many cases of wine it took to convince Selene to make a pitstop in Swintville, but the consensus was somewhere between "truckload" and "vineyard." This should be an exciting summit, and Hot Action lives up to its name once more. I look forward to the chance for The Johnson Group to "Convene with Selene."

As for what to do, there's always the extremely uplifting combo of Holocaust Museum & Vietnam Wall. Good times.

I know TJ's disappointed -- he's more of a Gracie fan, but it's still big news.

Ditka vs. God in a golf match...

Dit-ka! I am off to Chicago for work, my first time in the home of Da Bears, so why not pay homage to Bob Swerski and his band of Super Fans. Still one of the greatest SNL bits of all time...

* Well, Poopy dropped Number 17 in a row last night. By the time I return from Chicago, these clowns could be knocking on the '88 Orioles' door. Last night, Poopy threw 21 year old Zack Greinke at the Mariners. The kid's made 25 starts this year. He's 3-14 (leads the AL in losses, and yep, he was once a member of my fantasy team). Thank god (for him) he's old enough to drink.

* There hasn't been a whole lot of Nationals chatter lately, so I thought I'd throw the boys a bone. Apparently, the start of another sure-to-be wretched Redskins season means ignoring a team that is only 1/2 game out of the NL wild card. Their demise was vastly exaggerated. All Houston's recent tear did was give them a 1/2 game lead in the wild card race? Big fucking deal. That wouldn't concern me a bit, and here's why - 25 of the Nats final 38 games will be in the friendly confines of RFK, where they are 34-22 on the year. I see no reason why we won't be watching Nats playoff baseball while the Skins start 0-4 (well, other than the fact Frank Robinson continues to run Cristian Guzman** out on the field night after night). Brad Lidge has recently decided to join K-Rod and Mo Rivera in blowing very winnable games. The Phillies play in an atrocious ballpark, with a far more questionable staff than the Nats. The Marlins have yet to figure out the season began, and the poor Mets have guys kicking each others ass in the OF. I am looking forward to a few playoff posts about the Chocolate City Nine (especially if my Yankees continue to struggle to beat the D-Rays).

**Cristian Guzman Update: He was 0-4 Monday night (rain out yesterday), and he's now batting .188. However, he would be a star on Poopy.

"If I may shift gears for a moment gentleman, Coach Ditka vs. The Hurricane, who would win?"
"Ditka, Ditka!!"
"Hold on, Hold on, Hold on. The name of the Hurricane is Hurricane Ditka..."

"One word. Five letters. Period."

Well, it's been a few years, so you knew it was coming - the artist formerly known as Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, Puffy and P. Diddy has a new name - Diddy. Just Diddy. Apparently, Sean is looking out for all of us, not wanting to create the confusion his last name change caused (in 2003):
"I needed to simplify things"

In a related story, the Kansas City Royals have changed their name to Poopy. Just Poopy.

My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team...

In case folks haven't noticed (and really, why would they), the Kansas City Royals have lost 15 games in a row. How bad is it for Mike Sweeney and the boys? They're now 38-78 (wooooooooooow). In the 15 losses, they've been outscored 118 to 53 (that's 65 fucking runs folks!). Only 3 other teams have lost 15 games in a row (or more) in the last 25 years. Those infamous losers:
The 2002 Tampa Bay Devil Rays - 15
The 1982 New York Mets - 15
...and of course, the historically woeful 1988 Baltimore Orioles, who started the season by losing 21 in a row (check out their season - my god did they suck).

The Royals play tonight at Seattle, and I for one will be rooting for them to lose #16 in a row. Why not try to be the best at something fellas. I think KC has the right idea, sending Runelvys Hernandez to the mound tonight - he gave up 7 ER in 1 IP last time out. Go Royals!

Movie and TV News

The Internet Movie Database News made me chuckle a few times today…

Farrell Sex Tape Restraining Order Extended
I swear on all that is holy that at first glance -- and the reason I clicked on the headline link in the first place -- I was thinking this was Mike Farrell instead of Colin Farrell, and I was stumped as to what demographic was clamoring for that tape.

Matt LeBlanc also asks fans not to compare early episodes of Joey to the final Friends shows. He adds, "You just can't compare the last season of Friends with the first season of Joey. You have to compare like with like, and so compare the first season of Friends with the first season of Joey. You then have two shows where the cast and crew gel and evolve and the show gets better and better."
Is Matt LeBlanc as dumb as Joey? The first season of Friends was roughly 50 million times better than the last season, and holding "Joey" up to that season would make his new show just wilt. Duh. In a related incident, Brian Cashman wants this year's Yankees to be compared to the 1927 team instead of the 2004 club.

Troubled actor Tom Sizemore is battling a rare medical condition that leaves him sexually insatiable.
It turns out . . . he's a man. Deal with it, Tom.

Hollywood couple (and my lunchmates) Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have invested a staggering sum on a rural site in Quebec, Canada - which they plan to turn into a luxurious ski retreat. The actors-turned-property moguls already have luxury homes in New York City, Los Angeles, Wales, Bermuda and the Spanish island of Majorca . . .
Have you guys been to Wales? A luxury home there is easily worth thousands, I'm telling you. Mud Hut Manor overlooking the coal pits . . . what a palace. I know, she's Welsh, but squeezing that one between L.A. and Bermuda was just funny.

Teen queen Lindsay Lohan is reportedly set to blast her estranged father Michael Lohan in song on her sophomore album.
Among other things, she's criticizing him for passing down a complete absence of musical talent.

Is this what Jay Leno does every day? It's kind of fun.

The Best of GTB???

Is that an oxymoron? Anyway, Chandy had the audacity to challenge this guy to find a few decent posts in the long and storied history of Gheorghe (this will be post #303), and I think I've done just that. Perhaps I'll be back later today doing what GTB does best, cutting and pasting shit from the web, but for now, try to enjoy these dozen GTB posts, in no particular order (so this is what a highlight show is like)...

* Barry Manilow
* Neil Diamond
* Commando
* Irony Defined
* Worst Sports Night Ever
* Whit Hates ESPN
* The Office Move
* Welcome to 2004
* GTB Meets GTM
* GTB's Mission Statement
* Chocolate City Baseball
* Instant Classic

"I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!"

That's right folks, for the second time in less than a year, the FMD and I hit the MCI Center to see a musical icon, this time the one, the only, Neil Diamond, on his Neil Diamond World Tour 2005. Let me just say that Neil Diamond can still pack 'em in - the MCI Center looked to be at 99% capacity (the amount of geriatrics was quite surprising to me, until I realized Neil is a spry 64 years old - the man's looking real good for 64, minus the outfit - time to dump the black jumper Neil). Seats were in the upper deck, facing The Man himself, though since I'm blind there was no chance I was seeing a thing (thank god for the two large video screens off to the left and right of the stage). Beers were purchased in preparation of Neil taking us on one helluva ride...
(Quick fashion question - Is the small pink cowboy hat really stylish? Because I saw quite a few last night, and all it does is make chicks look like lesbian Neddy Nederlanders)

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote "Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you."

At about 7:59pm (show starts at 8), we get two announcements:
* "There will be no intermission" (Awesome, two straight hours of Neil, exactly what I paid for)
* "NO ONE WILL BE SEATED DURING THE FIRST SONG. THE LIGHTS WILL BE DIMMED INSTANTLY" (basically, the PA guy scolded the crowd, not once, but twice - what a douche)
I do have to say, when the show finally started (well after 8 mind you), it got real dark real fast, and I'm betting one of the members of the over-65 crowd might've fallen down a few flights of stairs in Section 421.

Like a pitcher trying to find his rhythym, Neil struggled a bit in the early innings. Some songs I've never even heard, a few minor hits, but here it comes...the American flags on the video screens...there's Kilgore on stage (OK, joke for 3, but for those 3, that joke is VERY funny)...Neil begins "America" and the place absolutely erupts. I keep laughing out loud about the Kilgore thing, all the while enjoying the over the top rendition of "America". This seems like a good time to mention that Neil's band was huge - we're talking 15 or 16 folks, among them:
* More horns than Chicago - In fact, that might've been Chicago. Lord knows they need the money
* A 70 year old keyboardist, and a 400 pound piano player
* The guitarist who loves his job just a tad too much
* 4 back-up singers who would win karoake at the beach bar, but who are getting cut in Round 2 on American Idol

"It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely legal pornography. Gary knows what I'm talking about. Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow. Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard!"

After getting the crowd going with "America", and throwing gas in innings 5, 6 and 7, with huge hits like "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "Cracklin' Rosie", I knew what was coming (and if it wasn't, I was gonna burn down the MCI Center). The crowd wanted it, Neil knew it, and then it happened - 18,000 people going nuts, singing along, pointing at their neighbor, in a state of bliss belting out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline". I haven't been that into a live performance since Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" at MCI years ago. It was fucking great. Strong finish from Neil with "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show". I've gotta deduct a point or two for not playing "Kentucky Woman", but overall, a very solid show from Neil (B or B+ I would say). I guess now Tom Jones completes the holy trinity? Or is it Wayne Newton??

"Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection..."

The Wright Stuff

Last night, Mets/Pads, David Wright made the second best barehanded catch I have ever seen in my life (behind THE Bo Jackson barehand). Wright, on a full sprint into left field, made a barehanded, over-the-shoulder catch of a Brian Giles flare. It...was...awesome. That kid is going to carry the NYE Mets for a loooooong time.

Speaking of catching balls with flair (ngs), Eric Byrnes does it nightly. I love watching that guy play (Added Bonus: He looks like a guy who would sit on his ass drinking Natty Lights watching Anchorman with you). I believe Squirrel once mocked Mr. Byrnes (exxxxxxcellent) over at MLC, and I simply don't get that. If he was on the Red Sox, Rob would be fellating him daily. I mean, come on, Red Sox fans love Kevin Millar, and he's a huge donkey (recently compared himself to Tom Brady? yeah, that seems accurate). Eric Byrnes is fun to watch whatever team he's on. Hell, he could patrol CF a helluva lot better than Corpsie Williams.

And finally this morning, hopefully you caught the highlights of the idiot kid who fell out of the upper deck at Yankee Stadium last night. That moron is lucky he fell over the net. He could've died, or worse, landed on Reggie Jackson.

GTB's Wednesday Website. Vote early, vote often.

B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E

Braindead on yet another Monday, I submit this uplifting tale of cheerleaders using their powers for the good of mankind:

ANN ARBOR, Mich. -- A man who left an accident scene was tracked down with the help of some cheerleaders who witnessed the crash and turned his license plate number into a cheer, police said. Members of the Lincoln High School varsity cheerleading squad from neighboring Ypsilanti were in Ann Arbor for a Universal Cheerleaders Association's camp when they saw the wreck near the University of Michigan campus. "I knew I was going to not remember it because there was too much going on," coach Patricia Clark said Monday on NBC's Today. "So, when I ran down the street and got the plate number, I yelled to the girls: Remember this!" The cheerleaders put their skills to work, chanting the license number. "The coach just said it and we were saying it over and over, and then it just turned into a big chant since we kept repeating it," said Kimmie Ostrowski, a senior captain for the team who also appeared on Today.

And you wonder why the O's are on a losing streak from hell.

-Orioles reliever Steve Kline on the nebulous nature of dietary supplements in light of teammate, Rafael Palmeiro's steroid debacle.

"If they test me, all they're going to get is Krispy Kreme donuts and McDonald's," Orioles reliever Steve Kline said and, judging from that body, at least somebody is being honest. "I can see how people who are popping pills, shakes and vitamins are afraid. I'm afraid to take anything because you don't know.
"They put stuff in food, steroid beef, feed steroids to cattle. Plus, players don't know what to look for. I'm from West Virginia (University) and I'm not the brightest guy in the world, but I look at the ingredients of some of these things and I don't know. You figure it's over the counter, it must be OK."

Oh yeah, I hate him.

Where's the love?

Poor OJ can't catch a break (well, other than that minor break he caught a few years back). Last week he gets convicted of stealing cable (he should live in Chocolate City, they don't have a clue) and now the organizers of the National Sports Collectors Convention basically tossed him out when he showed up to sign autographs. It seems Juice was indeed invited by an exhibitor to the convention, but the convention used the old "scared of a double murderer" clause to boot his ass. Hang tough OJ, we're all pulling for you.

I love Canadian rocker Bryan Adams as much as the next guy (well not as much as Joe Corcoran, but that's a whole other story), but I have officially had it with his song "Open Road", which serves as the theme to SportsCenter's "50 States in 50 Days " series. I mean, they've only made it through 15 states or so, and Linda Cohn is already starting to fall apart (well, at least more than usual). How about airing some sports highlights ESPN.

The Larry Brown saga was pretty much ignored here at GTB (and with good reason - who gives a shit), but I couldn't let this nugget pass. Apparently the Sopranos cast halted a scene with James Gandolfini in pajamas to shoot a video urging Brown to take the Knicks job. Well done fellas. Which reminds me, Sunday night I caught the episode where Tony pummels Ralphie to death, which got me pumped for next season, until I realized these guys take 3 years off between seasons, and I probably won't see a new episode until 2006. Fuck.

The latest from Dick Wolf - Law and Order: Fallujah? Yesterday, Iraq's national security advisor said the trial of Saddam Hussein will be shown on live television. Nancy Grace has already booked her Motel 8 and camel. Geraldo is fast on her heels.

Well well well...

SI.com's Tom Verducci is reporting Rafael Palmeiro has tested positive for steroids. Finally, a juicy positive test (with apologies to Jorge Piedra). Does this mean Jose Canseco might actually be right about more guys? In light of this, how soon before the "rejuvenated" Jason Giambi tests positive?

By the way, I just dug this up:
Palmeiro told members of the House committee that Canseco is lying.
"I have never used steroids. Period," Palmeiro said. "I do not know how to say it any more clearly than that."

This bit of information has certainly made up for that lame ass trade deadline we just experienced. Eric Byrnes and Jody Gerut probably leave a packed suitcase by the door everytime they leave for the park.

Feels like an Arby's night...

Just to squash any fears next time you're devouring a Big Montana, a public service announcement.

On to a Friday list of nonsense, as you've come to expect here at GTB...
* I mean, if you were to pick one baseball player who would have no qualms joining Vince and Owen at some nuptials, I guess it would have to be Man-Ram...
According to the BOSTON HERALD, back in 2001, when Never-A-Dull-Moment Manny was new in town, he was holed up in a $1,000-a-night suite at the ritzy Ritz-Carlton. Well, being as how he was a bachelor back then, not to mention his alleged linguistic limitations, Manny was rather lonely. So No. 24 would take the elevator down to the ballroom and scope out the weddings. And if the reception rocked, he'd meander in and make himself right at home! "He quietly ambled in, uninvited of course,'' one wedding guest recalled of a Ritz-Carlton bridal blowout some four years ago. "But he made plenty of friends once he was recognized.'' Particularly, we're told, amongst the ranks of the bridesmaids! When Manny was asked why he chose to pop in on the festivities, he replied, "I was bored.''

* Brace yourself loyal readers - Tim Green is not returning as a Fox Sports NFL analyst. Now why would that be? Oh right, Green is concentrating on his role as host of the new "A Current Affair". Say what? That's like me not coming to work anymore because I've enrolled at the Culinary Institute of America.

* I love Jeffrey Ross. That man is the Babe Ruth of celebrity roasts...
Jeffrey Ross is gearing up to roast Pamela Anderson on Comedy Central next month. "I was gonna write a poem, but I couldn't find a rhyme for 'stupid bimbo,' " Ross said at the New York premiere of "The Aristocrats." After pointing out that the Anderson event is a fund-raiser for PETA, Ross cracked: "She's very into animal rights. She doesn't like it when they take these innocent chicks and inject them with hormones and make 'em wear red bathing suits and kiss David Hasselhoff."

* So, are you saying the annoying alien from American Dad can't hold his liquor? (and Dennis, that show is not funny. I'm sorry. And this is coming from a guy who likes Futurama)
Andy Dick lived up to his party monster reputation early yesterday morning at the grand opening of Home nightclub on West 27th Street. We're told the booze-loving bisexual "made out with an equally intoxicated male partygoer" and "grabbed, licked and groped everyone in sight - especially the male models." Another tipster tattles that Dick "literally had his hands down another man's pants - first over the pants, then in the pants."

I even have some sports rantings in this tiny head of mine, and depending on how this noon deadline goes, you might get to read my analysis of the atrocious Yankee rotation or baseball's wild card races or a review of last night's competitive eating "contest". (if you choose to ever return to this site)

Words for a Friend

Rather than ramble on about the useless nonsense you have come to expect here, I wanted to take the time this afternoon to let our friend know we are thinking of him and his family, and let him know they are in our thoughts and prayers. We just want our friend Geoff to know that in the wake of losing his father, we care about him, will always be there for him, and I am sorry all I can do is type this today and not be there in person for him. I cannot fathom what he must be going through, but family and friends by his side will keep him strong.

Stay strong, Geoff, we're all thinking of you.

"...but it's a dry heat."

Yep, even though it's 113 fucking degrees out, I'm not gonna worry about it, cause it's a "dry" 113 degrees (that phrase might actually top my chart of Worst Ever, if it weren't for "At the end of the day..."). HOWEVAH, the dry heat will not bother me, as I will not leave the hotel for 72 hours (unless being shepherded by Hot Action's Hef into a limo), spending countless hours at the Sports Book (Do they have one? Will I have to tunnel, much like Emi Sok, to freedom?), staring at people playing craps, and sitting in front of seizure-causing slot machines. Vegas baby, Vegas.

Did anybody else love that TV miniseries "V" when they were a kid? Marc Singer was the rebel leader I think. It was followed by the shortlived, but aptly titled, "V" TV show, starring Freddy Krueger and Jester. Good times.

I think the Orioles bullpen coach created the cult/religion Scientology.

In other baseball news, the Yankees are looking to replace poor, decrepit Bernie Williams in CF with...Tike Redman or Endy Chavez. Wow, if those are the options, leave Bernie's corpse out there for the rest of the season.

Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.

Is it possible for Howard Kurtz to be any more lame?

CNNWASHPOST HOWARD KURTZ: A lot of people have picked up on your description in the memos to your bureau chief of that conversation -- "It was on double super secret background." What did that mean?

TIME MATT COOPER: Well, Howie, I can now reveal that it was a joke. Karl Rove, when we had the conversation, wanted it to be on deep background, which I took to mean I could use the material but not quote it directly, and certainly not attribute it, that I had to protect the identity of my source. When I wrote the note to my bureau chief, just moments after the conversation with Rove, in a slightly playful way, I echoed the line in the movie "Animal House," where John Belushi's wild fraternity is put on double secret probation. So it was a little bit of humor.

* Call me crazy, but I would classify this as Must See TV:
Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith will premiere Monday, August 1 at 6:30 p.m. on ESPN2. The one-hour weekday show will deliver a daily dose of sports news, opinions, issues and headlines in front of a live studio audience in New York City.

* GTB is quite the clearinghouse of crap on Mondays eh? How about Al Leiter last night boys and girls? Impressive indeed - I am sure Jack McKeon was swearing profusely at Al (see, the 6pm first pitch means Jack got to watch 6 innings or so before lights out at Del Boca Vista). Speaking of ex-Marlin pitchers:
Actress Alyssa Milano , who previously dated Carl Pavano, is now with Dodgers and ex-Marlins pitcher Brad Penny, according to numerous reports in L.A. (Post-Pavano, she dated Oakland's Barry Zito.)

* Oh...if you didn't get to Wedding Crashers this weekend...get there ASAP. You will not be disappointed.

The city so nice they named it twice...

Fantastic start to the second half of the season by the Yankees and Mets last night. I could've been hit by a bus this morning and it still wouldn't have wiped the smile off my face from seeing that douchebag Curt Schilling blow the game. To Rodriguez. Great start to the weekend...How 'bout dem Amazing Mets? I expect to see unbridled enthusiasm from Whitney and Jerry after last night's rousing victory. David Wright's homers (and diving catch on a piss poor bunt attempt) and Cliff Floyd's ridiculous catch falling into the stands. Doing it against Dan Dukes' Braves. Well done.

GTB's "Friday Gift To You My Loyal Readers" (also won the ESPY for "Worst GTB Title Ever")...
HOUSTON -- When Bassam Khalaf raps, he's the Arabic Assassin. His unreleased CD, "Terror Alert," includes rhymes about flying a plane into a building and descriptions of himself as a "crazy, suicidal Arabic ... equipped with bombs."

Wait for it...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...

Until last week, Khalaf also worked as a baggage screener at George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

Struggggling

Not sure if it's from that hurricane I whipped up last week, or the train that ran me over last night, but I'm bushed. "Bushed" - great expression, right up there with "Mikey looks exhausted. Rogers, get in there and give him a blow". Gets me every time. Been a while since I've posted - thank God TJ really keeps this ship sailing... figured since my oral communication skills are non existent at the moment, I'd give ol' GTB visit.

I see Chandy includes a cute little picture for us these days. Scrumdeliumptous. I'm guessing there's a 100% chance at least one slightly stocky unnamed visitor of this site that will certainly add her to the mental roladex. And Chandy, thanks for the birthday wish. Other notable birthdays on July 13th - Harrison Ford, Cameron Crowe, Fatboy Slim, and Spud Webb.

Also, a big thanks to the LA Lakers for relieving us of Kwame's services . . . Now, Kwame, off with you and go convert to buddhism, get your 3 championships, become an all-star, and rub it in our face everytime you appear on TV interviews with Phil Jackson you lanky penis.

Um, yeah. Wedding Crashers opens tomorrow - I really hope it doesn't suck. They're pushing the limits of this thirtysomething swinging bachelor party guy thing. Or maybe not. Watch out for those oompa loompas kids . . .

Those bastards stole my theory...

This week's National Enquirer advances the theory that Van Der Sloot confessed to his father that he dumped Holloway's body in shark-infested waters after she accidentally hit her head and drowned in an Ecstasy-induced stupor on an Aruban beach. A source told the tabloid that Van Der Sloot and Holloway went swimming together after meeting at the club and taking drugs together. "Natalee fell, hit her head on a rock and drowned," the Enquirer quotes its source. "In a drug-and-alcohol induced panic, Joran felt he had no other choice but to dispose of Natalee's body in the sea."

I fully expect the mother to kill him as he leaves the courthouse...

* Morning Double Feature: The internet is a strange and wonderful place. Case in point...

* From the "Gee, I didn't see this coming a mile away" File...
Troubled actor Tom Sizemore failed to attend a court hearing held to determine whether he violated the terms of his probation order so he could check into a live-in rehabilitation clinic. The Saving Private Ryan star, 43, allegedly refused to provide urine tests and attend drug counseling sessions with his probation officer, and could face up to three years in prison if found guilty. The Los Angeles Superior Court hearing has been postponed until 22 July, and Sizemore faces arrest should he fail to appear. Sizemore, who was charged with violating his probation order but released on bail in March, denies the charges.

It was there for all to see

Bartolo Colon is the second coming of completely underrated Stooge Shemp Howard.

Does Ken Macha have some secret polaroids of A's owner Steve Schott? If not, can someone explain to me how he still has a job. He makes Art Howe look alive.

I never thought I would say this, but the cast of characters on the newest Surreal Life might even be a bit much for me. What a collection of asshole and losers. Not a redeemable quality to be found.

HOWEVAH, the cast of the newest Celebrity Fit Club has serious promise. I mean, Willie Aames, Victoria Jackson, Jackee, and Gary Busey??? Busey might be the first person to actually die on a reality show.

Um, yeah, I've had to delete several punchlines to this, so I'll just give you the item itself...
He [Donald Trump] confirmed that he is considering a new format for his next "Apprentice" -- a team of African-American contestants would be pitted against an all-white group.

This guy just keeps giving and giving

Remind me to send Sheff a thank you note for his neverending supply of material...

Gary Sheffield wants nothing to do with the World Baseball Classic. Several major league players spoke of the honor they would feel to represent their countries in baseball's first World Cup-style tournament when the groups for the event were unveiled Monday. Sheffield was not among them. The Yankees right fielder told reporters at the All-Star festivities in Detroit on Monday there was no chance he would participate in the event scheduled for March.
"My season is when I get paid," Sheffield told the New York Daily News. "I'm not doing that. ... I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up."
"A lot of guys feel that way. They won't say it like I will, though," he added.

You see Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care

"Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work."

BOSTON (Reuters) - U.S. workers say they squander over two hours a day at the workplace, with surfing the Web, socializing with co-workers and simply "spacing out" among the top time-wasting activities, according to a survey released on Monday.

And folks, this post defines "mailing it in". It's a Monday, I'm tired, and I don't feel like weighing in on the Kenny Rogers "controversy".

* How annoying would it be to have him at your table?
Former NFL TE Shannon Sharpe will participate in the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas beginning today. UPDATE: Apparently other well-known donkeys at the WSOP include actors Tobey Maguire and Jennifer Tilly and golfer Rocco Mediate.

* This made me feel a little bit better on a crappy Monday:
Could you make ends meet on $11,700 a year, before taxes? How about $16,500? For 86 players in Major League Soccer, that will have to do, because 26 percent of the league's 331 players make less than $20,000 a year in base salary, according to salary documents obtained by The New York Times.

* America's greatest president? A casual shoe for yachting? They killed Jesus Christ?
The Young Republicans have given cocky "Apprentice" punk Kelly Perdew the boot. The brash Perdew, now working for Donald Trump after winning the second season of "The Apprentice," was slated to emcee Saturday's black-tie dinner at the Mandalay Bay Resort in Las Vegas, which closed the Young Republican National Convention. But convention chairman Nathan Taylor got fed up with Perdew's irksome antics and unceremoniously disinvited the former Marine at the last moment.

TGIF

* Good to see 40 year old lefties can agree on something...David Wells condoned the actions of Texas pitcher Kenny Rogers, who knocked over two TV cameras and a cameraman last week and issued a public apology Wednesday. Rogers was suspended 20 games and fined $50,000, according to the HARTFORD COURANT. "I'm stoked for him. I'm glad he did that," Wells said. "He needed to vent. He's been a mild-mannered ballplayer his whole life." ... Sometimes your buttons get pushed. "The media and the camera guys, a lot of guys didn't like the camera on us when we're P.O.'d. But they continue to do it." Wells accused the cameraman of trying to bait Rogers. "He's winking at another guy going, `Yeah, I'm going to get paid,'" Wells said. Told that Rogers is facing assault charges, Wells said, "So. The guy's not hurt. Be a man and take it. Unless he was physically hurt and something happened. ... Just like that guy in Boston when that incident happened in the bullpen [in the 2003 ALCS] when I was with the Yankees, and he comes the next day with a neck brace. Be a man, dude."

* I've got two words for you: Alex Joyner.

* If I'm Rob Russell, I'm telling Johnny Damon to shut the fuck up.

* Always good to hear from Sir Charles (with the added bonus that it's a shot at Chris Webber)...Charles Barkley predicted he wouldn't win the nationally televised Lake Tahoe tournament, but he's certain he won't finish last as long as Sixers forward Chris Webber plays. "As long as Chris Webber is playing, I know I won't come in dead last. I know I can at least beat him," Barkley said.

Could this post have a smaller target audience?

What about Rebound?...A Staten Island coach and community figure has been arrested on charges of spanking teenage boys if they missed their basketball shots, officials said. Authorities allege that on Monday, Drew Sanders, who is an assistant executive director of the Staten Island Jewish Community Center, pulled down a 15-year-old boy's pants and slapped the boy in the behind with a wooden paddle.

* All is well in the world again (um, minus what happened in London today, but we don't address stuff like that here) - Pamela Anderson has traded in horrible actor Stephen Dorff for ex-husband Tommy Lee. Well done Pam - we missed you two together.

* I cannot believe we now have to listen to how great a team player Curt Schilling is because he's going to the Red Sox bullpen. Most likely we'll have to hear what a great move it is from douchebag Schilling himself, which is the worst.

* I've spent quite a bit of time this morning on the phone with a "Mr. Seaman". Needless to say, I have been laughing ALOT on the inside.

* I see Hurricane Dennis is preparing to ravage Jamaica. Apparently, the Hurricane wasn't very happy with GTB's less-than-stellar review of Gattaca.

Thanks for the help

Hope you enjoy the accommodations...
SAN MARCOS, Texas - A man who rescued a swimmer caught in swirling river currents found himself in trouble soon afterward when he was arrested by authorities who claimed he was interfering. Dave Newman, 48, disobeyed repeated orders by emergency personnel to leave the water, police said. He was charged with interfering with public duties. "I was amazed," Newman said Monday after his release on $2,000 bail. "I had a very uncomfortable night after saving that guy's life. He thanked me for it in front of the police, and then they took me to jail."

My name is Kobayashi. I work for Keyser Soze...Nothing like a 5'7", 144 pound Japanese guy eating 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes to jump start the July 4th holiday. The sporting legend in question? 27 year-old Takeru Kobayashi. I must say I was mildly disappointed that Kobayahi couldn't topple his world record of 53½ dogs. I had such high hopes for him. The runner-up was a young lady by the name of Sonya Thomas, who is apparently known as The Black Widow of competitive eating - and she's from Alexandria. I am wondering if Dennis, Jerry, or Swint have perhaps seen her at a local 7-11 pummeling the Big Bite "grill" as practice.

Great day of holiday baseball on the tube yesterday. If I wasn't so damn dumb today I might have a few insights for you. But I don't.

GTB's "Bama of the Week"

This was an easy one...
"I would never sit out [if traded]. I would go play for them. It doesn't mean I'm going to be happy playing there. And if I'm unhappy, you don't want me on your team. It's just that simple. I'll make that known to anyone."
- Malcontent Gary Sheffield

Damn, this meal tastes like shit...TAIPEI (Reuters) - It may take a strong stomach to eat curry or chocolate ice cream out of a toilet bowl, but a commode-themed restaurant in Taiwan does booming business serving up just that.

God Bless MTV

Look at what MTV has on tap (I will let you guess which one I think is an instant classic):

"Yo Mamma" - Wilmer Valderama searches for the country's most outrageous trash talkers
"Welcome to Crunkville" - Contestants move in with Atlanta-based hip-hop artists The Ying Yang Twins with the chance to win the deed to their mansion
"Omarion" - The recording artist's attempt to become a corporate mogul a la P. Diddy
"Mr. Rooney's Barbershop" - Offers a look into the Queens, N.Y.-based barbershop where local cutters scout for hip-hop talent from the 'hood
"Homewrecker" - Former "Jackass" star Ryan Dunn helps revenge-seeking viewers wreak havoc on someone's home
"There and Back" - Details the potential comeback of former O-Town singer Ashley Angel who is now broke, engaged and about to become a father
"Beyond Normal" - Tracks MTV News correspondent Gideon Yago as he helps young people whose lives have been turned upside down by crisis or conflict
"8th & Ocean" - A docu-soap about the lives of wannabe fashion models in Miami Beach
"Ten Years Later" - A scripted comedy based on the real-life story of former public-access star Jake Fogelnest.

It would be nice though if they could fit a video or two in a day.

Square Peg, Round Hole

I stole this right off of ESPN.com...
Tony Womack's batting average is .239, his on-base percentage .273 and his slugging percentage .263. Those numbers make Womack the 790th best hitter in the majors leagues (out of 792), according to Baseball Prospectus.

Jesusfuckingchrist people, the guy is a 2B, not a CF. A piss poor 2B at that. Is there any wonder this $200 million team is 39-37? Just continue forcing overpaid donkeys onto the field because there are no better options a-holes (and no, I'm not ignoring the atrocious starting pitching, I simply do not have the energy to rip them right now). Thank god the Orioles and Rangers have decided to shit the bed the last 2 weeks, or there wouldn't even be a wild card chase to get excited about. George is getting very upset.

Welcome to Chocolate City, Part Deux

Last week, it was the Police Chief's car. This week, it's Nats OF Marlon Byrd's car:

On Wednesday night, the Washington Nationals returned from their 10-day, three-city road trip still in first place in the National League East. They arrived at RFK Stadium by bus from Dulles Airport, grabbed their luggage and headed for their cars.
But when they arrived in the players' parking lot beyond the right field wall at RFK Stadium, they discovered that several of their cars had been broken into -- and that of outfielder Marlon Byrd had been stolen -- a breach of security that left several players angered and shaken.

Byrd seemed pretty pleased with the parking lot staff - "Bottom line, it was a [expletive] job done here by the people who work here, a [expletive] job here."

* Must see TV tonight - 10pm, MTV, the wrap up special To Hell and Back: Hot Gossip from the Inferno II. Prepare to enter the minds of some completely insane individuals (Tonya, I'm looking right at you).

* I am dying for some McDonald's Orange Drink right now. I have no idea why.

Get in my Belly!

I was flipping around last night prior to Game 7, and happened upon the Orioles/Blue Jays game and caught fat-ass Sidney Ponson on the mound. Hmmm, where is fatty Ponson from again? Oh that's right...Aruba. Has anyone thought to ask Sidney if he perhaps ate Natalie Holloway with some fava beans and a nice chianti?

With the NBA season ending last night, all we're left with is the NBA Draft next week and the rest of the baseball season. Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining, mainly because I'm one of the few people left in America who can actually watch a full game of baseball and enjoy it. The bigger problem is we are reaching the down time for highlights, when SportsCenter gets out of control in an effort to retain viewers. You might remember the SportsCenter Classic crap from last year, or the "5 Bands in 5 Nights" thing they did. So don't be surprised if the Black Eyed Peas show up in Bristol next week to host the 6pm SportsCenter, and Alf teams up with horseface Linda Cohn for the 1am SportsCenter.

Um, yeah, let me get the Orca Burger, ketchup only, with a side of plankton and a Shamu Shake...TOKYO (Reuters) - With Japan under fire for plans to expand its whaling program, a fast food chain is offering a new product aimed at using up stocks from past hunts -- whale burger. The 380 yen ($3.50) slice of fried minke whale in a bun went on sale Thursday at Lucky Pierrot, a restaurant chain in the port city of Hakodate on Japan's northernmost island of Hokkaido. "The taste and texture are somewhere between beef and fish," said Lucky Pierrot manager Miku Oh. "People in Hakodate have a long history of eating whale, so customers are looking forward to trying it."

Who thought this was a good idea?

The guys sitting in for Mike and Mike are currently interviewing Hakeem Olajuwon. You cannot understand a single word he says. Not one word. I am serious. I might've been able to understand Mutombo more than this.

The Yankees are a terribly mediocre squad, and Carl Pavano decided to take some heat off Randy last night by also sucking balls. Speaking of Yankee pitchers driving me crazy, where the hell is Jaret Wright? Witness protection?

The Starbucks "Hank" ad is pretty good, but it can't hold the jock of the "Glen" ad...everyone together now..."Glen's the man, going to work...He's got his tie, got ambition..."

Whitney, you still owe me a case of Coors Light.

Don't forget to go see Rebound...Rated PG...July 1st...

Spurs/Pistons, Game 7 tonight. This has all the makings...

Didn't I see this the first time, when it was called The Hollywood Minute?
THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE (A.K.A. GONE HOLLYWOOD) (Comedy Central) - The cable channel has given a 13-episode order to a new weekly half-hour "The Daily Show"-esque series hosted by comedian David Spade. The project is a reworked version of the previously completed pilot "Gone Hollywood," a potential weekday strip hosted by Greg Giraldo and executive produced by Spade. Comedy Central is said to have approached Spade to host the series after "8 Simple Rules" got the axe last month with the promise of a 13-episode order.

What a great morning at work...WJFK finally has streaming audio...click here to listen to the Junkies...and then at 3pm come back and listen to Don and Mike...DONKEYS

She should've foregone the "cash" prize and taken Stampy...mmm...elephant fresh...JUNE 23--A Kentucky woman who thought she won $100,000 in a radio station giveaway is suing for breach of contract after learning that her prize was actually a Nestle's 100 Grand candy bar.

The Riverwalk is so nice we decided to stay 'til Thursday

Well, I guess someone forgot to tell Detroit the NBA Finals were over (and it was nice of Lindsey Hunter to climb out of the grave for a few 4th quarter possessions). Like much of the viewing public I assumed the Spurs had this thing locked up, and I could shift my focus to baseball for the rest of the summer. Apparently the Pistons had other ideas. I will say this about Larry Brown's boys - they have a tremendous amount of intestinal fortitude. The Spurs have a real problem on their hands in Game 7 (The last Finals Game 7? 1994...just days after a certain Hall of Fame running back got into a tad bit of trouble). Post-game highlight last night: Rasheed wore the championship belt over his shoulder at the press conference (after coming up huge late in the 4th). Last thought, what the hell was San Antonio doing planning a victory parade the day of a possible Game 7?

Speaking of baseball, the Yankees won 20-11 last night (after being down 10-2) by scoring 13 runs in the 8th. Kudos for the amazing comeback fellas, but maybe Randy Johnson shouldn't get knocked out of a start against the Devil Rays after giving up 7 runs in 3 IP.

This Bernie Ecclestone guy cracks me up. In case you missed it, he's the 74 year old head of Formula One racing who, one minute after complimenting Danica Patrick on her 4th place finish at the Indy 500, said that he has always felt women "should be all dressed in white like all the other of the domestic appliances." If that wasn't classic enough, he apparently called Patrick Saturday morning, and then repeated the exact same thing to her. Hey Bernie, I got a joke for you:
What do you do when the dishwasher breaks?
Slap the bitch.

There is no doubt in my mind that Jamie Foxx's new movie Stealth will bump Graveyard Shift from the #2 slot on GTB's list of Worst Movies Ever (I think we all know what #1 is).

Welcome to Chocolate City

I hope you don't cherish your car:

Wanted: Stolen car. Make and model: Ford Crown Victoria. Owner: D.C. police department.
Reported stolen by: Police Chief Charles H. Ramsey.
So goes the saga of car theft in the District, where even the police chief's department-issued car can get swiped a block from his home.
"There is not a whole lot to add to it," Ramsey said. "The car was taken, and there was nothing of real value in it. Cars are getting stolen every day."

Perhaps when (if) he recovers his car, he will be lucky enough to start it with a screwdriver.

It's been said many times before...

but it needs to be said yet again...Robert Horry is AWESOME. The guy scores 21 of the Spurs last 35 points, including the dagger in OT. Now I could sit here and bash that knucklehead Rasheed Wallace for leaving the most clutch shooter in NBA Finals history wide open with the game on the line, but I'd rather celebrate Big Shot Rob. The guy is simply amazing. And forget the 5-6 from three point land, did you see the dunk??? Simply amazing. I thought Hubie Brown was gonna pass out after BSR hit the three.

I doubt many people saw these two catches, but David Wright of the Mets and Casey Blake of the Indians made two very impressive catches on foul tips Saturday night. Blake jumped up on the tarp, than over it, to catch a ball in Cleveland's game, and Wright went Superman-style into the stands, full extension, to catch a foul ball in New York's game. I think Wright's head even hit the railing in the seats while holding onto the ball.

I always enjoy Johnny Miller during NBC's golf telecasts, and here's just one more reason why...NBC's Johnny Miller made history Friday, becoming the first live event TV golf commentator to unequivocally criticize TV meal ticket Tiger Woods for rotten behavior. Woods' misconduct, while often seen and heard, is just as often ignored, excused or even applauded as evidence of his "intensity." Woods, in the second round of the U.S. Open, after missing a six-footer, angrily raked his putter along the line of the putt, cutting into the grain and raising the grass over several feet. He then made a weak attempt to correct the damage, raking his putter in reverse. It was the kind of move that would get a 14-year-old thrown off a pitch-and-putt track. "You should not do that, right there," said Miller. "That is not good for the rest of the field, especially just that little wipe to fix it. You should be down there, patting it better."

No need to mock Retief for his final round yesterday (or that Gore guy who invented the Internet), because my brother and I figured out I would shoot a 205 on Pinehurst #2. If I'm lucky.

Family Guy has not lost it at all. In fact, neither has SouthPark.

Corey Haim is now extremely fat.

Oh, I must give you my e-mail address...

...It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com. Happy Fucking Friday kids. What a week, but you don't want to hear me bitch about having to do work for the first time in forever, so let's just get to it...

- That flaming homosexual Tom Cruise is continuing the straight facade by proposing to Joey Potter. Come on Buddy, who are you kidding. I don't think even your most dedicated fans have thought you liked chicks since that ridiculous Mission Impossible cover of Vanity Fair.

- Michael Jackson was not guilty on all 10 counts. Woooooow. That accuser's mom must've been some sort of convincing eh? The highlight of this whole ordeal - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog might've one upped his Star Wars bit. Check this link out - my personal favorite, "On a scale of 1-10, what age is Michael Jackson's boyfriend?" (and yes, this was one of SG's links, but it's not like I haven't taken shit from that site before)

- Speaking of Triumph, I am a HUGE fan of that new Eminem song. I mean, come on, Triumph, Eminem, and Special Ed from Crank Yankers. How do you beat that?

- Phil Jackson is back less than a year later to coach the Lakers. Who cares? I sure as hell don't. And I really don't need to hear Bill Plaschke or J.A. Adande blabber on about it either. Go away assholes.

- Ralph Nader apparently likes to drop the n-word. That seems awfully weird.

- Can I cash in my Pacers jersey for a Lakers one?
Eric Pincus of HoopsWorld.com reports Jonathan Bender is indeed on his way to Los Angeles along with the 17th pick in the draft. In return, the Lakers will send Devean George, Slava Medvedenko and a second-round pick.
By the way, there might not be anything funnier than Stephen A. Smith saying "Slava Medvedenko".

- "That's right! Look at the big brain on Brad!"...RICHMOND, Va. (June 17, 2005) – People with bigger brains are smarter than their smaller-brained counterparts, according to a study conducted by a Virginia Commonwealth University researcher published in the journal “Intelligence.”

- It's good to see Pat O'Brien hasn't lost a step...
Recently rehabbed talking head Pat O'Brien was humiliated when recordings of him talking dirty surfaced on the Internet. But the ordeal hasn't dampened the "Insider" anchor's libido, it seems. At a recent Audemars Piguet party, O'Brien took a fancy to reality TV tartlet Brittny Gastineau, we're told. And when Gastineau left, O'Brien was right behind. "He ran down the street after Brittny to get her phone number," our spy reports. "And he did." Gastineau was most recently linked to Backstreet Boy Nick Carter.

Hey Carl, tell us what you really think...

CHICAGO - (KRT) - The world already knows Carl Everett believes dinosaurs never roamed the planet. After all, there's no mention of them in the Bible.
But the Chicago White Sox's designated hitter unleashes a swarm of new opinions in the July issue of Maxim magazine. The highlights:
Wrigley Field is the worst park in the majors: "They need to implode Wrigley."
Most baseball fans don't know diddly: "Fan is short for fanatic - he's crazy about something he really doesn't know about. And it's proven that 99 percent of baseball fans have no idea what they're watching."
Jose Canseco is a "bitter, ignorant individual."
The congressional hearings examining steroid use were a waste: "We have a war going on_I have family in that war - yet we're talking about steroids. . . . If everybody in the world got on steroids, we'll still lose more kids to a war than we will from steroids."
Everett has had gay teammates, whom he has accepted, but: "Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. . . . I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay."

I can always fit Crazy Carl into my day.

TGIF

I just couldn't resist. I at least hope they were kosher chips...

Synagogue sued over missing ashes
When relatives of Vivian Shulman Lieberman went to visit her final resting place in a Houston mausoleum one year ago today, they discovered that the cedar chest containing her ashes was missing.
In its place, behind the locked, glass door of Lieberman's niche in Congregation Beth Israel's mausoleum, was a can of sour-cream-and-onion potato chips.
********
I know you don't smoke weed, I know this; but I'm gonna get you high today, 'cause it's Friday; you ain't got no job... and you ain't got shit to do...
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - An ice cream man felt the heat from law enforcement after he was arrested on charges of selling drugs along with his other frosty fare.
Authorities said Marshall Gene Beasley, 27, could be facing more chilling bars — those of prison — after he repeatedly sold undercover officers marijuana over the past two months while selling ice cream. He was arrested Wednesday.

Happy 6/9 Everyone.

God bless us everyone . . .

Just a bunch of crap

Go figure, you start a new job, blog aimlessly for weeks, partake in the abundance of free food and drink (and sweet baseball tickets), then suddenly you're expected to do work, and actually produce stuff (stuff = marketing reports that you people don't care about). Did I sign up for this? Fortunately, I just met the summer intern this morning, and much like American hero Cosmo Kramer, I think I need to put this kid to work. Moving on...

Monday night, was flipping around prior to Pistons/Heat Game 7, and ran into a very underrated recent comedy, Not Another Teen Movie. Even edited on Comedy Central (and having watched parts of it multiple times prior) I got some laughs out of it. It's not like they didn't have material to work with.

Speaking of movies on Monday night, I flipped by The Ring...
You're expecting a comment on The Ring maybe? There, that was it.

Let's try to some up my beloved Yankees season so far (this is expert analysis mind you):
First 30 Games, 11-19 poop
Next 18 Games, 16-2 sweet
Last 10 Games, 1-9 POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP
These guys are absolutely killing me. The Brew Crew (and my boy Derrick Turnbow) are about to sweep them. The Royals swept them. The fucking Royals. They are 0-22 when scoring 3 runs or less. Ugh I gotta move on before I vomit in my mouth.

I've touched on the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes thing before, but seriously, have you seen him lately? He acts like he's on crack. Not pretending, but like Whitney Houston on crack. Just bizarre.

I was always a huge Marvel Comics fan as a kid, so I am very much looking forward to the Fantastic Four movie. There, I said it. Star Wars two weeks ago, now a comic book movie.

I think the WB definitely knows what they're doing. Premiering tonight: "Beauty and the Geek". I'll let them explain:
It all starts with seven women who are academically impaired. Next, add seven men who are brilliant but socially challenged. The concept is to pair up couples for a chance to win a $250,000 grand prize. Each mismatched pair competes in various activities designed to test intellect, fashion savvy and even dance moves. There's a spelling bee for the girls, massage lessons for the guys, and an introduction to actual rocket science when the girls compete to see who can build a working rocket. During these competitions, the geek must try to pass his brains onto the beauty, while the beauty tries to pull the game out of the geek. They're so far apart on the social spectrum that they're practically different species, but if they make it to the end, they could both walk away gifted and gorgeous.
Like those two Guinness brewers always say, BRILLIANT!

It's not even a contest, GTB's Bama of the Week Week Week...Sean Taylor. What a jackass.

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson...A moment of silence for actress Anne Bancroft, who died Monday of cancer at the age of 73 (I bet you didn't see that coming). Forget her role in The Graduate - did you realize she was Mel Brooks' wife? I had no clue.

Hey, what's that smell?

I know, I have nothing for days, you want more, and all I can give you is this...What can I say, it just fell in my lap...

An Australian woman was found to be carrying 51 live tropical fish after custom officials were alerted by "flipping" noises coming from beneath her skirt as she arrived at Melbourne airport. On closer inspection, officers discovered the woman had strapped on an apron of plastic water-filled bags containing the fish, the Australian Customs Service said. "During the search, customs officers became suspicious after hearing 'flipping' noises coming from the vicinity of her waist," said the statement. The 43-year-old woman arrived in Melbourne on a flight from Singapore last Friday. Customs are still trying to determine what type of fish she brought into the country and have not yet charged her with an offence.

I'm betting they were Red Snapper.

What a Humongous Asshole

I completely believe this is true. Honestly, has there ever been a more unlikeable sports superstar than Barry Bonds?

Former White Sox outfielder Ron Kittle writes in his current book that he once asked Barry Bonds to sign a jersey for him to help raise money for charity, only to have Bonds respond, "I don't sign for white people," according to the CHICAGO TRIBUNE
Then Kittle wrote: "I said, 'White guys aren't the only ones who get cancer,' but Bonds just turned his back on me and walked out."

So you're saying there's a chance...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Asleep at the wheel

Not literally of course, 'cause that would be very bad. Just figuratively. Well, sort of. For the first time in 7 weeks, I am active, nay busy, at the new job. Combine that with the long hangover from Memorial Day weekend and I am utterly useless right now. Not that my 6 (maybe 9) readers will be pining for my nonsensical posts. I'll be sure to steal SG's and Tim Keown's and Jay Leno's bits soon enough.

Oh yeah, one last thing - that Dannon Frusion Smoothie guy is reaaaaaaaaaallly getting on my nerves.

My gift to you

BlackAmericaWeb.com

Well, that ruined the rest of my day...Have a great holiday weekend everyone.

GTB's "Natty of the Week"

sponsored by Eastern Motors, where your job is your credit. This week GTB recognizes the newest Washington National, 3B Brendan Harris, called up to fill in for the corpse that is Vinny Castilla. First of all, Mr. Harris is a chez whitey, in case you were wondering (he quickly joins Ken Harvey and Peter Bergeron in the confusion club). Secondly, Mr. Harris is a graduate of my alma mater, good ole William and Mary, so it's very exciting to see some Tribe Pride invading RFK. Last but not least, he's a hometown boy, born in Sm-Albany, NY (went to Queensbury High - not a rival of Shaker High).

Full Name: Brendan Michael Harris
Born: 08/26/1980
Birthplace: Albany, NY
Height: 6'1"
Weight: 200
Bats: Right
Throws: Right
College: William & Mary
Favorite Deli: Paul's (ok, I made that one up)
MLB Debut: 07/06/2004

Fantasy word of caution - don't expect Brendan to help your fantasy squad, as the following list shows (I have no idea what the numbers really mean, but you still get the picture):
Troy Glaus - 531
Mark Teixeira - 493
David Wright - 457
Eric Hinske - 437
Brendan Harris - 31

Apparently he's not busy enough...

Now, I realize John McCain is a very well-respected member of Congress and an American hero to boot, but doesn't he have more important things to do than play Super Steroid Cop?

WASHINGTON, May 24 - Senator John McCain, the Arizona Republican, unveiled the much-anticipated proposal for a Clean Sports Act on Tuesday, the culmination of a series of hearings full of discontent with steroid testing in professional sports. The legislation aims to require standardized testing procedures and stiffer punishments for athletes who test positive for banned substances.
McCain, joined by fellow Republican Congressmen Mark Souder of Indiana and Thomas Davis of Virginia and Democrats Henry A. Waxman of California and Elijah E. Cummings of Maryland, called at a news conference for the four major professional leagues to institute a system at least as tough as the one for the Olympics.

Speaking of steroids, get excited, because Barry Bonds has updated his website again. Unfortunately, I was not one of the lucky Fan Sweepstakes winners for May. Perhaps June will be my month.

Don't forget to add this to your Tivo: "Amber Frey: Witness for the Prosecution"

Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson...Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name...NEW YORK - Burt Reynolds apparently slapped a CBS-TV assistant producer in the face at a New York screening of his new film, "The Longest Yard." The producer, who works for CBS News PATH, approached Reynolds on the red carpet outside a Chelsea theater Tuesday night. When he asked Reynolds to tell him about the film, the actor seemed annoyed.

Derek Broka, get excited, because Jerry Rice is now a Denver Bronco. That means this offseason Mike Shanahan has now signed a roided-out punter, the entire defensive line of the Cleveland Browns, and the G.O.A.T. (oh and how can I forget the drafting of Mo Clarett). Somewhere inside the beltway Danny Snyder is jealous.

Charles Bronson, American Hero

LUNCHTIME BONUS:
It is so nice to see Brian Austin Green getting work again. In case you're a big BAG fan like me, he can be seen opposite Britney Spears on the new show "Britney and Kevin: Chaotic", Tuesdays, 9pm on your local UPN affiliate.

This fact absolutely amazed me. The NBA had to change the rules for free throws back in the day (say it to yourself like Stephen A. Smith, trust me its high-larious) because Wilt Chamberlain could DUNK FROM THE FOUL LINE. I mean, are you fucking kidding me?
*************
Is Superstation WGN contractually obligated to show a Charles Bronson movie at least once a day?

I think it's time to throw the phrase "thrown under the bus" under the bus...who's with me?

OK, so Shaq didn't exactly dominate as I had predicted...damn Pistons...In other news, do you think it's OK to put Dwayne Wade's Hall of Fame induction speech in the drawer for a little while?

The force is with you young Ticket Taker, but you are not a Jedi yet...SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Authorities say they haven't made any arrests in last night's robbery of a Springfield movie theater.
Springfield police Lieutenant Dave Dodson says a man wearing a Darth Vader mask walked into the Showplace Eight theater around nine-15 p-m last night. He says the man shoved an employee out of the way and grabbed an undetermined amount of cash before running out of the theater and into a nearby wooded area.
No weapons were displayed.

Read that last sentence again. Do you get the feeling they were hoping for a light saber?
Afternoon Update: If you thought the above was bad, look at these fucking morons...
Two Star Wars fans are in a critical condition in hospital after apparently trying to make light sabres by filling fluorescent light tubes with petrol. A man, aged 20, and a girl of 17 are believed to have been filming a mock duel when they poured fuel into two glass tubes and lit it. The pair were rushed to hospital after one of the devices exploded in woodland at Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire.

This is what happens when you're a 900 year old lefty specialist...Twins left-hander Terry Mulholland was hurt by the end of a feather sticking out of his pillow when he rolled over in bed at the team hotel.

If only he could throw out baserunners they way he throws out compliments...Mike Piazza broke away from the Mets' pregame stretch when he saw conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh in the front row of the stands. Limbaugh signed a baseball for Piazza's brother, Vincent, who is the head of the Republican Party in Montgomery County, Pa.
"It was like meeting American royalty," gushed Piazza, who compared meeting Limbaugh to meeting George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, General Douglas MacArthur and the Pope.

Monday Morning Drivel

The Pennsylvania Turnpike can suck my balls.

EMF's "Unbelievable" or OMC's "How Bizarre"?

I guess I could question what the hell Dusty Baker was doing yesterday sending Mark Prior back out in the 9th, but instead let's aim the spotlight on one of Prior's rotation mates (and an important staple of my fantasy team) - Carlos Zambrano. Apparently, Carlos likes the email machine, and I'm gonna guess the naked lady websites as well, because the Cubs have had to ask Zambrano to cut back on his computer time for fear it may be playing a role in his tennis elbow. Come on Carlos, how about a little restraint.

If you haven't seen Bobby Abreu's ex, former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, having sex on a Spanish TV show with some random gringo, ENJOY.

Hey, good news for Mitch Albom - the Detroit Free Press found no evidence of Albom writing other columns before the event actually happened (I'm so proud of him). The bad news for Mitch - the paper found he lifted quotes from other publications without attribution, in some cases embellishing the quotes (hell, they should hire me, I can do that). Best part of this whole ordeal - Albom actually lifted a quote from world-renowned truth-teller Jayson Blair at one point.

Michael Jackson's attorneys were expected to call comedians Jay Leno and Chris Tucker to the stand this week. That's the joke.

Oh yeah, Dennis, let us know you're alive out there, will ya.

This is too good for the Comments section..."It is official. Steve Spurrier wants his South Carolina offense to forever be called Cock ’n’ Fire. He recently revealed the offense’s nickname during a gathering of his assistant coaches and football personnel."

Boom! Reggie Miller

Hello again to the O.C. I have been a deadbeat fan for much of this season, but after last night, I am all in again. I hope the Cohens and the Coopers can forgive me. Thank god Fox has nothing else to air this summer but reruns.

Oh yeah, farewell to Reggie Miller, who got a terrific ovation from the fans last night and a not-too-often-seen display of respect from the opposing team and coach in his final game. Classy move by nomad Larry Brown and the Pistons last night. I had no problem with that.

Pop Tarts...Delicious and Nutritious

That commercial with Darth Vader and the Burger "King" is just plain weird. Much more weird than the bumps on Adult Swim.

What the hell has gotten into Billy Hunter? It's like Louis Farrakhan is now the head of the NBA Players Association.

The Dannon Frusion Smoothie sounds like the most disgusting drink/food created in a long time. No way will I "trade in my breakfast for a Dannon Frusion Smoothie".

Barry Bonds, meet Karma. Karma, Barry Bonds. (And where was Pedro Gomez to report this story? Did Jayson Stark hit him with a steel chair so he could report it first? I mean, Pedro has one job this year - let's pick it up buddy)

Right now, somewhere in America, a 45 year old guy in full Obi-Wan Kenobi apparel is stuffing his face with popcorn and having the time of his life. Literally. Today is this guy's best day ever.

Amare Stoudemire scored every one of his points on dunks, lay ups, or free throws last night.

I read yesterday that Kevin Smith will be making Clerks 2 this year. I am not sure what to make of that, though the subtitle is "The Passion of the Clerks", which made me sort of laugh.

And finally, thank god for good ole American ingenuity...ASPEN, Colo. - A new business called Toasty Chicks Delivery hopes to profit from an invasion of construction workers this summer by having women in snug T-shirts drop off lunches from area restaurants. Toasty Chicks will take food orders, relay them to the restaurant of choice, pick up the food and deliver it to the work site, founder and owner Rodney Millspaugh said.

Most of these guys never had a prime...this guy here is dead

GTB TWIB Notes (with all due respect to Mel Allen)

Last night was by far the best seats I have ever had, 7 rows behind home plate, with a pre-game buffet and complimentary ballpark fare throughout the game, served by the best waiters and waitresses I have ever seen (wink, wink, nod, nod). Too bad the Nationals decided not to show up. Brady Clark hit the first pitch of the night a very long way, setting the tone for the whupping. Claudio Vargas of the Nats assured himself of another stint in the minors, allowing 6 runs and getting 4 outs. When Tomo Ohka has to save your ass, pack your bags kid. Some donkey named Wes Obermueller of the Brewers sat down the first 19 Nats he faced before Jamey Carroll ruined his perfect game in the 7th, drawing the only noticeable cheer of the night from an announced crowd of 26,000 that looked more like 13,000. Who cares though – have I mentioned how money these seats were? Even Boo Radley sitting next to the Future Missus and mumbling to himself all night couldn’t ruin these seats.

I pondered naming this post “Derrek Lee is fucking awesome”, because honestly, he is. Could you imagine how bad it would be for the Cubbies if not for D Lee? Last night, Lee went 4 for 4 with two homers and drove in all of the Cubs' runs in a 4-3 win over the Pirates. Plus he’s carrying my fantasy team, which is nice.

“Throw me the idol, I'll throw you the whip” - The Cubs have signed 80 year old infielder Enrique Wilson to a one-year contract. Don’t the Cubs already have Neifi Perez and Jose Macias? Aren’t these all the same guy?

Best name in the minors, Tagg Bozied, a 1B in the Padres system.

Mike Lupica is mailing it in this morning, writing the Clemens to the Yankees story, the first of what I assume will be 100 more columns like it in the next 6 weeks. Mitch Albom has written a column saying Clemens is already a Yankee because the usher in Section 104 told him it will happen.

A heads up to the folks tallying the MLB All-Star ballots – Larry Bigbie (#3) is going to get one vote. You can blame the young lady sitting to my left last night. Oh yeah, Calvin Pickering will be getting one vote as well, and for that I take full responsibility.

The Yankees (and to a lesser extent the Red Sox) have lobbied the Commissioner’s office to play the A’s and Mariners the rest of the season.

This has nothing to do with baseball, but only 1 day left until Episode III debuts. In honor of this historic moment, I leave you with this Star Wars link, perhaps the funniest Conan O’Brien segment of all time.

Well, I'm hot blooded, check it and see...

...I got a jungle fever of a hundred and three...Former Kentucky star Rex Chapman told a newspaper that school officials tried to stop him from dating black women or at least "hide it" rather than inflame fans.
"There were certain aspects of my time there that were really ugly," Chapman, who is white, said in a story published by The Courier-Journal on Monday. "I don't know how it is today, but that's how it was 20 years ago."

SG's cartoon was a bad enough idea. Now ESPN thinks it's wise to have a cartoon called "Off-Mikes" starring Golic and Greenberg? Who is piloting this ship?

The Yankees have now won 9 in a row to top .500. They're 5 games back of the Orioles, 2.5 back of the Red Sox. This is much much better than 2 weeks ago. And the Washington Nationals continue to surprise at 21-17. I don't think I'm the only guy who thought they would be in a freefall by mid-May. Last week I told Butt their anemic offense was gonna kill them. Well, they are 6th in OBP and SLG, and 5th in OPS, so that hasn't been a problem yet. Proving once again I know nothing. Go Nats.

I like what the University of Cincinnati did yesterday with Bobby Huggins, deciding not to extend his contract and making him fulfill the next two years of his deal before deciding to retain him. I've never been a big fan of Bob (though I did love his star pupil Nicky Van Poo Poo) and I like Cincy giving themselves the flexibility to move on if Huggins underperforms on the court (or to a lesser extent, if he has anymore off the court issues). After all, this is a program that just a few years ago got hit with NCAA sanctions for having a "lack of institutional control" over it's basketball program, so it's not like they're leaving Coach K hanging, just jackass Bob Huggins.

Um, yeah, I was just hitting the men's room (and the amazing waterless urinals) after 3 morning cups of java, when I realized the ole fly has possibly been down all morning. Wouldn't normally be a problem if I was hiding in my cube, Milton-style, listening to my radio at a reasonable volume. Unfortunately, I've been out and about, chatting it up like a good NewGuy, discussing my powerful Cherry Garcia tie, so it's possible boxers have been poking out all morning long. Hopefully the electric blue tie was very distracting.

Best name in the upcoming NBA Draft? That's easy. It's Martynas Andriuskevicius, a 7'3" Lithuanian who probably gives Chad Ford major wood. I mean, look at that guy's name again. It makes Pavel Podkolzine look like Joe Smith. This guy might go Top 5, and here's one scout's take: "His body is just so frail." Awesome.

What a difference a week makes...

And I'm not just talking about the Yankees righting the ship against AL donkeys Oakland and Seattle, taking 8 in a row so far. I have 50 emails to sift through, but can we discuss this Onterrio Smith thing for a second? The device is called the Original Whizzinator ? Really? And Onterrio is just carrying it for his cousin? A revelation like this simply makes me believe the Original AnalBib is a viable product in the marketplace. Now if I could only get the right spokesperson...

Afternoon update: Man I love this new gig. Thanks to some damn nice work tickets, I will be headed back to RFK tomorrow to see those powerful Brewers of Milwaukee face our hometown nine. I'm looking to push my record at Nats games to 4-1 with the appearance.

Quick question

Am I missing something, or is 1998 again in the City That Never Sleeps? Tino Martinez hitting bomb after bomb for a hot Yankees team, and John Rocker managing to insult the entire universe by opening his mouth...

Live Look-In

I've got 5 minutes, I found a computer, and I have nothing to share. Sweet. Dennis (or Whitney or Rob) - perhaps you should drop some knowledge on our readers while I wander the Marriott Wardman Park the next few days. I did see the Yankees have won 4 in a row - thank god the A's and Mariners are atrocious. Also, did I hear David Aldridge correctly last night? Some of the Wiz want Kwame The Terrible reinstated? You have gotta be kidding me. If Ernie Grunfeld even ponders this...

An Embarrassment of Bitches

I am referring of course to the results of Saturday night's Game 7s. I am willing to bet there have never been two worse performances in Game 7s than what I witnessed between 7pm and Midnight Saturday night. The Boston Celtics, who were playing AT HOME, lost the nail-biter of the night by 27. Fred Jones took them to task. Isn't this the same Fred Jones who played third fiddle to two crunchy granola white kids at Oregon, the Luke Boys, Ridnour and Jackson? Then, in an apparent effort not to be upstaged by the bloody mess that was the Celtics, the Rockets go out and lose by 40. I think that says it all. This is what these guys could muster for a Game 7? Unfuckingbelievable. The only positive development on Saturday was my 106 (and my playing partner's 79), which was just enough for us to win a dinner. Plus, I managed not to kill anyone with a tee shot. And I got a nice sunburn for the effort as well.

[Editor's note: I was pretty sure the Yankees were going to be part of the above post, but then miracle of miracles, they actually won both games this weekend, including yesterday when the anti-christ Kevin Brown took the hill.]

GTB presents "The Week of the Bama"

As sands through the hourglass, so go the Bamas of our lives. My god, there have been some donkey performances this week. Where do we begin?

Paul Pierce - What the fuck was he doing last night?? Take the foul, make the free throws, and be happy to escape Conseco Fieldhouse with a W in Game 6. Do not overreact and throw a forearm shiver because you didn't like getting smacked in the face (and yes, there was definitely some flop thrown in by Tinsley). That game was the most entertaining, frustrating, exciting, brutal...hell, I'll let Doc Rivers take a shot at describing it: "That is the craziest ... game I've ever seen in my life". I hate to admit it, because he belongs on this list most nights, but 'Toine saved them again. Of course, if the refs ever called a travel, Walker would never get a shot off in the low post, but hey, it's the NBA. Game 7, tomorrow night, 7pm. This is gonna be good.

Kellen Winslow Jr. - Man, I feel for Johnny G, blapanese superstar softball player and Browns diehard. I don't get it, was Winslow psyched after watching Biker Boyz on Showtime and wanted to impress his posse? I thought only kids trying to get their license drive around a parking lot going 35 mph? When are guys gonna learn that riding a motorcycle is detrimental to their health? (heeeeeello, Jason Williams??? Jeff Kent???) Winslow looks to be out for the entire season...his dad must be so proud.

The Runaway Bride and her fiance John Mason - She's a lunatic, finally snapped, and took a bus to Albuquerque (what is she, Bugs Bunny?). He goes on the god awful Sean Hannity show and says he's gonna take her back. Moron. May these two idiotic lovebirds fade away quickly, because I can't take anymore.
UPDATE: This is why I love the New York Post. Read the article. I will simply tell you the title is "Chaste-y Retreat."

Jeff Van Gundy - OK JVG, the Commish wants you in a body bag, and you're not a very attractive man. However, those points aside, your team has just forced a Game 7, after a stellar Game 6 from T-Mac. Even the corpse of Dikembe Mutombo produced last night (10 boards, 4 blocks, 1 bottle of lotion). Game 7, tomorrow night, 9:30pm, the back end of what should be a great playoff doubleheader.

The entire 25-man roster of the New York Yankees - Hey assholes, you're in last place, tied now with the Devil Rays, who just took 3 straight from you. Alex "Dirty" Sanchez, of all people, made you his bitch last night. 11-18, in the AL East cellar, and no sign of breaking through. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet, but if shit continues at this pace the next 4 weeks, the Bronx Zoo will be returning full force (Gammons says they have until Memorial Day, and Gammons is God). Bonus Bama - Kevin Brown. No explanation required.

Kwame Brown - Not to beat a dead horse, but man oh man Kwame you are a donkey. The immaturity and poor decision-making have cost him a chance to be a part of the most exciting Wizards basketball run in 20 years (yes, it was a Bullets run back then, but you get the point). I am very curious to see where he ends up next year. Portland anyone?

Barry Bonds - Barry is on this list because he simply annoys the hell out of me. There are more conspiracy theories surrounding Bonds' surgeries and rehab than the NBA playoffs and referees. Plus, I thought I got a steal in my fantasy draft taking Bonds for 10 bucks, but he's really screwing me with his repeated trips to Dr. Giggles and extended rehab. Speaking of his doctor, Arthur J. Ting, he's been reprimanded twice by the CA Medical Board and is currently on probation for unprofessional conduct. Sounds about right.

Don't forget, 8pm tonight, just blocks from GTB's homebase, the Washington Wizards attempt to make the 2nd round of the playoffs for the first time since 1982. The stars of that team: Greg Ballard, Jeff Ruland, and Spencer Haywood. Woooooooooow. Go Wiz (and put a hand in Pargo's face please).

Cinco de Mayo anyone?

As if I wasn't excited enough already (yes, that's right folks, I like the Star Wars franchise AND the Star Trek franchise), apparently some critics are describing the new Star Wars film as a "bloodbath". Fantastic. The viewing public deserves this after having to survive Jar Jar Binks. I might hate that guy more than Kevin Brown. Nah, not possible.

For all you music enthusiasts out there, have I got a CD for you. Your favorite MLB players can be heard on a new charity CD called Oh Say Can You Sing? Highlights include Jeff Conine destroying Stone Temple Pilot's Plush, Sean Casey killing Toby Keith's How Do You Like Me Now? and the Indians' Ben Broussard brutalizing the U2 classic With or Without You.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have already been dubbed "TomKat" by the media. I will now go chug a bottle of bleach.