"I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!"

That's right folks, for the second time in less than a year, the FMD and I hit the MCI Center to see a musical icon, this time the one, the only, Neil Diamond, on his Neil Diamond World Tour 2005. Let me just say that Neil Diamond can still pack 'em in - the MCI Center looked to be at 99% capacity (the amount of geriatrics was quite surprising to me, until I realized Neil is a spry 64 years old - the man's looking real good for 64, minus the outfit - time to dump the black jumper Neil). Seats were in the upper deck, facing The Man himself, though since I'm blind there was no chance I was seeing a thing (thank god for the two large video screens off to the left and right of the stage). Beers were purchased in preparation of Neil taking us on one helluva ride...
(Quick fashion question - Is the small pink cowboy hat really stylish? Because I saw quite a few last night, and all it does is make chicks look like lesbian Neddy Nederlanders)

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And two hours later, I wrote "Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you."

At about 7:59pm (show starts at 8), we get two announcements:
* "There will be no intermission" (Awesome, two straight hours of Neil, exactly what I paid for)
* "NO ONE WILL BE SEATED DURING THE FIRST SONG. THE LIGHTS WILL BE DIMMED INSTANTLY" (basically, the PA guy scolded the crowd, not once, but twice - what a douche)
I do have to say, when the show finally started (well after 8 mind you), it got real dark real fast, and I'm betting one of the members of the over-65 crowd might've fallen down a few flights of stairs in Section 421.

Like a pitcher trying to find his rhythym, Neil struggled a bit in the early innings. Some songs I've never even heard, a few minor hits, but here it comes...the American flags on the video screens...there's Kilgore on stage (OK, joke for 3, but for those 3, that joke is VERY funny)...Neil begins "America" and the place absolutely erupts. I keep laughing out loud about the Kilgore thing, all the while enjoying the over the top rendition of "America". This seems like a good time to mention that Neil's band was huge - we're talking 15 or 16 folks, among them:
* More horns than Chicago - In fact, that might've been Chicago. Lord knows they need the money
* A 70 year old keyboardist, and a 400 pound piano player
* The guitarist who loves his job just a tad too much
* 4 back-up singers who would win karoake at the beach bar, but who are getting cut in Round 2 on American Idol

"It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely legal pornography. Gary knows what I'm talking about. Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow. Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard!"

After getting the crowd going with "America", and throwing gas in innings 5, 6 and 7, with huge hits like "Forever in Blue Jeans" and "Cracklin' Rosie", I knew what was coming (and if it wasn't, I was gonna burn down the MCI Center). The crowd wanted it, Neil knew it, and then it happened - 18,000 people going nuts, singing along, pointing at their neighbor, in a state of bliss belting out the lyrics to "Sweet Caroline". I haven't been that into a live performance since Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" at MCI years ago. It was fucking great. Strong finish from Neil with "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show". I've gotta deduct a point or two for not playing "Kentucky Woman", but overall, a very solid show from Neil (B or B+ I would say). I guess now Tom Jones completes the holy trinity? Or is it Wayne Newton??

"Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection..."