Welcome to an Action-Packed 2004

(Channeling Kornheiser, Wilbon, Woody Paige, Mariotti, Bob Ryan)

1. Nebraska needed a coach to sign even more than Christina Aguilera needs an AIDS check. I think Jeffrey Dahmer, if interviewed this week, would've been hired. That being said, perhaps Callahan has a little pros-to-college Pete Carroll in him, but Bill, don't go 9-3 too much or you'll be on your ass with some mad cows in the fields

2. LeBron needs to stop being compared to Michael Jordan. James is Magic Johnson, and he will be better than Magic Johnson. For god sakes, the kid is 19 years old and he's already exceeded ridiculous expectations. Plus, I don't think LeBron would ever gamble enough to get his dad whacked.

3. Last year, it was Jon Gruden. This year, it's Tony Dungy. I won't get all John Clayton on you, because my body weight is not really 95% NFL stats like Clayton, but I am feeling Indy. And boy will it be fun to make fun of Philly fans and Andy "Cheesesteak" Reid for 2 weeks leading up to the Super Bowl.

4. Kobe had sex with a crazy girl. Guess what, who hasn't. Unfortunately, unlike drunken frat guys too stoned to know how crazy the sorority chick grinding them to the tune of RumpShaker is, Kobe or Kobe's people should do a MUCH better screening job. And it is this that might get him busted. I do think it's funny now that Kobe has done a 180 and gets tats and tries to be hard, when he is really just a much better basketball playing version of Carlton from Fresh Prince.

5. I do not want to hear about Stephon Marbury, Pete Rose, or Joe Gibbs for very long time. In fact, I don't give a shit what inbred LA boy Britney Spears banged on Ecstasy and then married. Christ, why can't I just get a high profile athlete to commit a murder or be accused or domestic violence like the good ole days.

6. Better old school album - Beastie Boys "Licensed to Ill" or Tribe Called Quest's "The Low End Theory"