Friday, April 30, 2010
You might ask "Who is Seasick Steve and why should I listen to his music?" I'll tell you why. He's got more Gheorgheness than Rambo's got bullets. By way of a non-limiting example, he has an album titled "I Started Out with Nothin and I Still Got Most of It Left." How Gheorghe is that?
Want more Gheorgheness? If Igor was about 10 years older with legitimate facial hair, a three-string guitar, and lots more musical talent, he'd be Seasick Steve. Don't believe me? Watch this (make sure you hear the first four seconds):
Total Igor/Gheorghe (Igheorghe?) move. Seasick Steve also has a one-string guitar.
And a banjo (for Dennis).
And a drum machine (for Greasetruck).
And he likes cars (for me). But he isn't a very good driver.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
It happened freshman year of college when Whitney and I wrote "Bloodfinger" and "Oh Melissa" in the same sitting (and despite Rob's percussion, these were the best rock songs recorded in 1989) and then it happened again in 1991 when Random Idiots recorded a little hip-hop number celebrating the death of children's author Theodore Geisel; then, in 2003, long after everyone thought I was out of the game (and the country) Greasetruck combined a rambling monologue with grunge rock, resulting in "Dirty Girls,"; it happened a fourth time when Greasetruck reflected on the current financial crisis with "The Bear," and it happened a FIFTH time last summer when Whitney and I and a dozen other musicians created the magnum opus collage of bad rock lyrics we call "Dear Ozzy (Thanks For Nothing)."
I know that I am extremely lucky. Many famous rock bands (such as Starship, Chicago and Emerson, Lake and Palmer) never recorded even one song that could be considered the greatest rock song in all of history. This is confusing, and so I should define my terms: to be the greatest rock song in all of rock history (and, paradoxically, there can be more than one) it must be a song, that when heard (drunk or sober) you think in your head: this is the greatest rock song in all of history. Example: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. Anti-example: "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel.
They say lightning never strikes six times in the same place, but I beg to differ. After a barely tolerable run of songs about obtuse topics (time travel, the Olympic theme for snowboarders, psychedelia in the desert, free will vs. determinism, and novel writing) Greasetruck has tackled a subject for the masses. A surefire hit. One that can't go wrong. The song is called "I Like Food" and it's all about . . . liking food. And how a lot of the food I like sounds kind of dirty.
There is no monologue, but the song includes a rap, and I got some lyrical aid from Whitney (mad rhymes such as: blew up Jaws, made a lot of sushi/ then I squeezed a jello-zit like Belushi) so not only is this the greatest rock song in the history of music, it is also the greatest rap song in the history of Caucasian hip hop (excluding everything ever done by The Beastie Boys, Eminem, 3rd Bass, Aesop Rock, and House of Pain . . . see the Cauc Hop). So it's better than Vanilla Ice. And it is safe for work, so turn it up. There's also plenty of allusions in the rap, see if you can spot them all. The toughest one is from Raising Arizona. The lyrics are underneath the SoundClick widget.
I like food, yes I do.
We like to eat when we meet.
A restaurant, you order what you want.
We like food, yes it's true.
We like to chew, and that's why I like you.
I need protein, you know what I mean.
Give me something lean. Give me Soylent Green
We like food, me and you.
We like to chew, that's why I like you.
Cheese steak, fat cat, greasy gyro--
I say grinder, you say hero.
Hummus is chickpeas mashed to mush,
I'll stuck my pita in your baba ghanoush.
You say tomato, I say tomato,
guacamole is made of avocado.
Wonton, split pea, mulligatawny--
in Alien 3, they ate Sigourney.
Booberry, Crunchberry, Strawberry Quik--
my Tootsie Pop, it needs a lick.
In Chinatown, I ate a mallard,
uptown, Elaine gets a big salad.
Ate long pig, tasted like chicken
Tapioca pudding, pecan log.
clog your bagel hole with my lox.
Spread the butter, cut the cheese,
hold the chicken salad between your knees.
Starburst, Ring Dings, Jujy Fruit,
wing of bat, eye of newt,
Portnoy's liver, filet of fluke,
50 boiled eggs for Cool Hand Luke.
Glistening bags of sugar coated candy,
peel my grapes while a double-D fans me.
Crack the bone, suck the marrow--
bottle of rum with John Sparrow.
I like whitefish, I like scrod,
ate the worm and I saw God.
I ate crawdads, I ate sand,
ate your sauce from the can
Violet Beuragaurde chewed the gum.
I'll poke your plum pudding with my thumb.
Peeled the banana, bit the flesh,
drank bugged up milk with David Koresh.
Buffet had a burger in Paradise,
but Kumar thinks White castle's nice.
I like Cheetos when I'm stoned.
Ate a rattlesnake then an anaconda,
ate Pad Thai with Jane Fonda.
Chicken Tikka's sauce is orange . . .
yeah, that stuff is really orange.
Blew up Jaws, made a lot of sushi
Squeezed a Jello zit like Belushi.
Pulled the pork off the butt
maraschino cherry, crack my nut.
Smuggling peanuts in your sweater,
bacon makes everything a little better
fill my sandwich with the Fluffernutter,
Brando says pass the butter
I ate cat-food, I ate dog . . .
went to France and ate a frog.
Then I ate nothing, like my hombre Gandhi--
We like food . . .
You cook for me and then we eat.
I say it's good, just like should.
I like the food, yes I like the food . . .
We like the food. Yeah we like to chew . . .
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Before mysteriously appearing on the disabled list with a case of "suck", here were Jason "Game Changer" Marquis' season totals:
- Three games started
- Three games lost
- A whopping 8.1 innings pitched
- 18 hits allowed
- 19 ERs allowed
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Dear Mr. LHC:
When I first started dating my girlfriend, there was plenty of romance and adventure, but now it seems like all she wants to do is watch reality TV and chill out on Facebook. What should I do?
Timing in a relationship is a difficult thing. There are certainly peaks and valleys, and if you can't navigate these, then the relationship is doomed. Perhaps it would be best to remind your lover that soon, in a universal sense, the sun that your planet is orbiting will die out and all life will end in your corner of the galaxy. So why not jump into bed and use all the orifices your species has for pleasure?
What is the truth about dark matter? Is there enough of it to prevent the universe from expanding until it becomes a cold lifeless void?
Although many people do not prefer dark matter, it is essential for making a tasty soup stock.
Do you think the Giants number one draft choice Jason Pierre-Paul's ability to do thirteen back flips will have any correlation with his potential as a defensive end?
Gravity is known as the "weak force." Pierre-Paul's ability to temporarily defeat this force won't change the fact that the Giants now have five defensive ends vying for playing time. I will list them in order of how cool their names sound to me: 1) Osi Umenyiora 2) Mathias Kiwanuka 3) Justin Tuck 4) Jason Pierre-Paul 5) Dave Tollefson. Tollefson is going to have a hard time competing with names like that.
If this draft choice worries you, remember that in five billion years, your sun will turn into a "red giant" and expand rapidly until it either completely engulfs your planet or-- the best case scenario-- it boils away your oceans and atmosphere, turning your blue and green paradise into a barren lifeless rock. Choosing an inexperienced athlete from a less competitive conference in a position that you already have a wealth of talent at will be the least of your problems.
And what about the McNabb trade?
It is odd for the Eagles to set up a collision with a force they know is potent and momentous. It is my guess that while Michael Vick was incarcerated, he studied quantum physics, and has now postulated what will happen during the next run of experiments inside my bowels. He obviously shared this information with the front office. I don't want to ruin the surprise, and I'm not saying that a black hole may tear your nation's capitol loose from the space-time fabric, but don't be surprised if a black hole tears your nation's capitol loose from the space-time fabric.
Friday, April 23, 2010
**Whitney also didn't want to miss out on Filler Week, but unfortunately for him I was too lazy to load this clip up anytime in the last three days. Please, enjoy now. Actually, wait, now I remember what this clip was about. Um, good luck:
**TR left a college hoops post in drafts for a long time entitled"Here's to THE Loser! (and Several Other Losers)". Everytime I saw it I thought it deserved this as a soundtrack, which means I'm posting it, whether it was 21% done or 90% done:
The winner of the 2009-10 0-fer-the-conference award goes to the tri-state area's favorite Jesuit school, the Fordham Rams. The feeble Rams got pasted in all 16 of their conference games this year and finished a meager 2-26 overall. And while the A-10 has gotten some of its strongest press since the Lamar Odom and Yinka Dare days, let's face facts that it's not a brutal conference by any measure. No offense to the alma maters of Lionel Simmons, Jameer and Delonte or the late, great Dare, there are some soft teams in the lower rung of this conference. The average margin of loss was over 17 points in conference play, with only one legitimate squeaker, a 78-76 loss to UMass to start conference play.
After firing head coach Dereck Whittenburg (yes, THAT Whittenburg) in early December, things turned sour up in the Boogie Down Bronx. We salute you, Rams of Fordham. May your fans be allowed to drink away their sorrows in the venerable Dagger John's, the bar that is ingenuously located beneath your home court.
Honorable mention losers:
DePaul: 1-17 in Big East play, 8-23 overall.
Rice: 1-15 in Conference USA play, 8-23 overall. They don't care because they're smarter than you.
Dartmouth: 1-13 in Ivy League play, 5-23 overall. See Rice explanation.
Marist: 1-17 in MAAC play, 1-29 overall.
Toledo: 1-15 in Mid-American play, 4-28 overall.
Air Force: 1-15 in Mountain West play, 10-21 overall. Hard to crush a bunch of pilots that went 9-6 in OOC play.
Bryant: 1-17 in Northeast play , 1-29 overall. Arguably the worst showing in the nation. The Northeast is a putrid conference and the school could barely remain competitive. If you're wondering if your author had heard of the school before March 2010, the answer is a resounding no. The school appears to be located in Rhode Island. Their motto is "The Character for Success." Good for them.
UT-Martin: 1-17 in Ohio Valley play, 4-25 overall. The school is in Martin, TN. It has a friggin'rodeo program. I had no idea it was a rodeo sport. Awesome.
**I wanted to be cute the other day and say "Look, I found John Smoltz, looks like he doesn't want to pitch anymore..."then I got high...
**Finally, I searched the interwebs for the best second round picks of all time, and found a link which I now stupidly deleted, but had these names on it:
QB Brett Favre ’91
RB Thurman Thomas ’88
RB Roger Craig ’83
WR Chad Ochocinco ’01
WR Wesley Walker ’77
TE Dave Casper ’74
OT Dan Dierdorf ’71
OT John Elliott ’88
G Steve Wisniewski ’89
G Larry Allen ’94
C Dwight Stephenson ’80
I don't have much to say about Round 1, other than every single mock draft I read had Jermaine Gresham going to the Bengals at 21. I started noticing that trend earlier this week, and then was happy the Bengals took him there, although I have no idea why. Let's hope he turns out better than old Big 12 (nee Big 8) TEs Keith Jackson and Johnny Mitchell. Ugh.
Here is a mock Round 2 draft. I love to critique mock drafts, but I can't get enough of them. The web-site must be legit because it is called nflmocks.com. But who cares anyway? It distracts me from a 15 page white-paper I'm writing on a prodigious oil field in North Dakota. (E-mail me here if you want a copy of that report!)
Good job manufacturing some extra sizzle from the draft, Mr. Goodell. Too bad you looked brutally nervous every time you made a pick.
And somebody needs to find the YouTube of Berman's arm-waving histrionics coming back from commercial at some point last night. What a dildo. I would have posted more on this in last night's comments, but my two year-old took that moment to inform me he had ripped off his diaper and wet the bed. Awesomeness.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
CJ Spiller: I love CJ Spiller. He's versatile, electric in the open field and as a good a receiver out of the backfield as you're going to find coming out of college. This is more a matter of where he'll be drafted than my evaluation of his abilities. He's going to end up going in the top 10-12 picks. You could make the case that that's too high for any running back. Much less one who isn't an every down back, hasn't shown a proclivity for picking up tough, inside yardage and isn't all that big or physical. I have no problem with Spiller going in the 20s but there's no way I think he's worth a top 10 pick.
Anthony Davis: I know little of Davis other than the bits and pieces of Rutgers games I watched over the past two years. However, I keep hearing the same things about him. Maturity issues. Weight issues. Lack of work ethic. Yeah, I'll pass on a highly talented yet unmotivated tackle if I'm drafting in the first round. If you remember Winston Justice, you might want to do the same, NFL GM.
Jason Pierre-Paul: Another physical freak. This one isn't supposed to be a head case though. He is, however, extremely raw, as he played just one season of major college football. On top of that, he wasn't all that productive. Just 6.5 sacks while playing in the Big East and on the opposite side of All-American George Selvie? Hmmmmmm. I'd be concerned about spending a 1st round pick on a pass rusher with those types of red flags. But, just in case that wasn't enough there's this: The last DE to play JUCO Football and then find success in the NFL was Leonard Little. So, if you draft Jason Pierre-Paul you're either drafting a bust who'll be out of the league in 3-4 years or a guy who's going to rack up DUIs and possibly kill someone.
Taylor Mays: This may be a stretch as it now seems as though Mays could possibly fall out of the first round, but I've driving the anti-Taylor Mays bandwagon for a couple of years now so I see no reason to hand over the reins on draft night. Mays has everything you could ever want in a safety...except for instincts and anticipation. Which, if all things are fairly equal, are the most important aspects of safety play. Here's what I want to know about my safeties: Can you anticipate what's coming and react quickly enough to stop it or minimize the damage? Nothing I've ever seen from Mays says he can do that consistently. Which might be why he left USC with only 2 career interceptions.
DeMaryius Thomas: A big, physical but extremely raw WR who played in a triple option scheme in college and (I'm guessing) didn't run the full menu of routes he'll be expected to in the NFL. I'm generally down on big WRS who excel due to their physical gifts in college and I never expect them to have much impact early in their careers (see: Kelly, Malcom or Thomas, Devin). The fact that Thomas played in a Georgia Tech offense that basically asked him to run go routes half the time makes me even more skeptical of the impact potential of him.
Eric Berry: I know, how can a consensus top 5-10 pick be underrated? Here's how: When teams that could use a safety aren't drafting him. Not because of a lack of need but because of an antiquated model that says you don't draft a safety high in the 1st round due to a lack of value at that spot. I understand the logic behind this, I just happen to disagree with it. Most experts will tell you that the NFL is now a passing league or "QB driven" and few, if any, will disagree with this notion. Doesn't that mean that the relative value of a game changing free safety has been enhanced by the overall direction of the league? I would certainly think so. Defenses, nay top defenses have been built around the talents of safeties like Ed Reed and Troy Polamalu in the modern NFL. If you can get a player like Berry (who many project as an Ed Reed level impact safety) to man your back line for the next 10 years without overlooking another, more glaring need, why wouldn't you?
Kyle Wilson: A big, physical corner who's been a starter at a quality program for 3-4 years and who brings you an added dimension as a return man. In my opinion, Wilson is the second best corner in the draft behind Joe Haden. Some may point to the lower level of competition that Wilson faced in the WAC, but any fears about his ability to handle a higher level of athlete should've been put to rest by his stellar performance during the week of the Senior Bowl.
Maurkice Pouncey: Arguably the most versatile O-Lineman in this year's draft (It's either he or Trent Williams). A starter since day one of his freshman year at Florida. Team leader, great character and plays with a nasty streak. He was never a secret to me, even going back to high school (he and his twin brother were arguably the biggest impact recruits in the state of Florida as seniors in high school) but I remember when I first knew he'd be a 1st rounder. His freshman year, he played LSU All-American (and eventual top 5 pick) Glenn Dorsey in Baton Rouge all night long with only occasional help, and he fought him to a stalemate. Think about how impressive that is for a true freshman guard (He played both center and guard at UF). Pouncey will play 10-12 years and make at least 6 Pro Bowls. Mark it down.
Brandon Graham: Call him the anti-Vernon Gholston. His measurables don't wow anyone but he was always around the ball in college and led the nation in TFL last year. The he went out and destroyed everybody he went up against at the Senior Bowl. Maybe not a high impact DE/LB but one who will give you 100% on every play, will maintain responsibilities in the run and pass game while still managing to rack up 9-12 sacks a year.
Jerry Hughes: Another guy who won't blow you away with his size/speed ratio but also another guy who was extremely productive in college (led nation in sacks). Hughes plays well in space, so he projects well as a 3-4 LB. While I'm no D-Line expert, I believe that sack production (much like rebounding in basketball) is one thing that almost always transfers from college to the pros. If Hughes is available in the late 1st round, you grab him. His name doesn't hurt either.
Now, since I'm the resident expert on all things University of Florida here at G:TB, I figured I'd include my brief thoughts on the (many) Gators who figured to be drafted over the next 3 days.
Tim Tebow: Look at Jerry's analysis here. I concur with nearly all of it.
Joe Haden: Best corner in the draft. Physical, fast, great character and work ethic and still fairly new to the position, so there's still a lot of upside here.
Carlos Dunlap: When was the last time a player dropped from a sure fire top 10 pick in December to a fringe second rounder by draft time? I can't recall a drop like this in all my years of draft watching. Dunlap had effort issues at times at Florida and (in the interviews I've seen) doesn't come off as a "high motor" kind of guy but dude's a freak of the highest order and was pretty damn productive at Florida over the last two seasons. His DUI during the week of the SEC Championship game certainly has a lot to do with his precipitous drop but this seems extreme considering that was his first ever transgression that we know of. If he's properly motivated by this, somebody's getting a steal and if I needed a pass rusher late in round 1, I'd look long and hard at Dunlap.
Aaron Hernandez: Another guy who was going to be a first round pick in December who's slipped into Round 2. However, this has less do to with the player than the overall depth of this draft. Hernandez is a player who will be a huge asset in the passing game (both as a TE and an H-Back) provided that he's drafted by a team that will be creative with him. Ultimately, as a fan, I'd like to see a team like Philadelphia, Tennessee, Green Bay, or even Arizona get him.
Jermaine Cunningham: A bit of an unsung hero for Florida over the past few years due to a combination of his quiet consistency and lack of explosive plays. He rarely overwhelmed you but he was always creating pressure and involved. I think he can play in space a bit and could be valuable for a 3-4 team. However, I'd like to see him go to a team that values speed on defense like Indy or New Orleans.
Brandon Spikes: It's no secret, I love Brandon Spikes. He was a warrior at Florida while being a versatile and impactful defender. However, he's timed out as much slower than most had expected. The stopwatch says that Spikes isn't a MLB which, not surprisingly, has caused his stock to plummet. Here's my take: Spikes was most effective at Florida in the 'Joker' package where he played as a standup DE and either rushed or dropped into coverage (where he's better than he gets credit for). Spikes' future is as a LB in a 3-4 system. If he's drafted by a 3-4 team he'll not only make a roster but eventually become a starter.
Major Wright: Big hitter, questionable (imo) instincts in the passing game. He timed out much, much faster than most Florida observers imagined he would and, consequently, is sitting higher on draft boards (2nd/3rd round) than most originally thought. I like Major Wright and will never, ever forget this hit but I'm not sold on him as an NFL Safety.
Riley Cooper: Big, fast, physical...and that's just with the ladies. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Seriously though, the guy's been through half the co-eds in Gainesville. He's a big WR with good hands and lots of toughness. He's still pretty raw but he's got the type of upside you want if you're taking a WR in rounds 3-5.
One last thing: My super sleeper is Linval Joseph. He's a massive DT from East Carolina and a Gainesville native. He nearly went to Florida but had his offer rescinded at the last minute. In high school he was just a big, fat kid with tons of athleticism. In fact, Florida wasn't sure if they wanted him as an OL or DL. Eventually, he ended up at ECU and changed his body while increasing his athleticism. He could project for either a 3-4 or a 4-3 and he's not going to last thru round 2. Place your bets accordingly.
I got us started...when Gheorghe: The Summit takes place one year from now in New Orleans for Jazz Fest 2011 you can simply call me Sarkastik Desperado*.
*It's really quite sad that an internet meme like a Wu Tang nickname generator is able to peg me so easily.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Keep the volume down at work.
Monday, April 19, 2010
This morning's report is on a new phenomenon that may be well-trod ground amongst you youngsters, but for the decrepit old bastards that limp around this blogspace, it's a bizarre new trend whose description leaves eyebrows and johnson rods slightly raised. It's . . .
The article, by Fox News' Jenny Block, details the decorative fashion of gluing crystals and rhinestones in the pusillanimous area of adventurous ladies. It begins:
Wait . . . what?
Jennifer Love Hewitt recently decorated her nether regions with Swarovski crystals, turning her naughty bits into -- her words -- a "pink disco ball." It’s called Vajazzling. Like Bedazzling, you know? With vajazzling, you go into a high-end salon, get waxed bare, and are bejewled below the belt.
The procedure goes something like this: You choose your design and they wax you bare as the day you were born. Then the design is hand-glued, crystal by crystal, or a crystal "tattoo" is applied. Generally, the vajazzling is done just above the, well, key player, as it were. Having it done any further down is not recommended, though from Hewitt’s description, it sounds like she went all out. Some women have a very small, simple design done high enough that low-slung jeans will reveal a glimmer. But the real thing is as low as you dare to go. Basically, where the hair was, now there are crystals.The writer was so intrigued that she gave it a go herself. She didn't go into one of the hoity-toity salons; she did it herself.
So, after preparing my, ahem, canvas, I asked my significant other to give me a hand. Peel, position, press, and release. Viola, I was all jazzled! I have to admit, the whole idea seemed kind of kooky. But, hey, I’m all for an adventure. And my lover dug it too. The whole experiment led to a little fooling around, in fact, during which no crystals were harmed.The process is supposed to last between 1-5 days. Unless you really go for it and have your FUPA pierced with diamond studs. (Dramatization. Do not attempt.)
Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.Well, that did it for me. The domino effect of interactive reporting continues, as I decided to not merely report it but do it. I learned that for men, it's called "scrotazzling," and the process isn't just about glamming up your junk -- it's really about spending a little quality time with your three best friends. After all, they are the family jewels!!
My biggest problem was that I didn't have the proper glue. No worries, I had an old tube of Krazy Glue left over from my futile attempts at building an android girl. Presto, they're on, and I'm one jangly such-and-such! It's worth noting that rubies are not recommended; the irritation is such that everything down there is a deep shade of magenta by the time you get done, and they just don't show up very well. I have a feeling that after a week or so, the emeralds may suffer the same fate.
Like Ms. Block, I asked my lover to help me apply the stones, especially in hard-to-see spots like my taint, but she quickly declined. And frankly, fooling around was out of the question when you're clunking around six pounds of faux costume jewelry on your gear. It all amounts to a modern day chastity belt, if you ask me. And the itching . . . dear God. To be honest, there were moments when the scrotazzling seemed not to be a terrible idea, but in the name of out-in-the-field journalism, it was all worth it. I became party of this sexy phenomenon, and I've never felt more fashionable.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
This is not the Matthew Clemmens who intentionally vomited on an 11 year old girl at a recent Phillies game. You can read about him here. Our advice columnist Matthew Clemmens is a purely fictional 21 year old from Cherry Hill, New Jersey that is in no way related to the real Matthew Clemmens, who allegedly intentionally vomited on an 11 year old girl at a Phillies game. G:TB would never seek advice from THAT Matthew Clemmens, even for the sake of humor. And this fictional Matthew Clemmens does NOT look like the following citizen. Not in the least.
Dear Mr. Clemmens:
I recently shifted the balance of my Roth IRA into a 403B and I'm wondering what the consequences will be with the IRS. I own my own business, and for the past seven years I've been putting 25 percent of my income into the 403B. Will the Roth transfer default the tax benefit?
Confused in Kentucky
There are several catch-up provisions available in regards to 403B contributions, and as long as you haven't contributed 25,000 dollars into your fund, then you can utilize these. If you have, then you might owe the government some money. Your closest IRS office is in Charlotte, NC. I would address a large manila envelope to your regional office, stick your fingers down your throat, and upchuck a bile filled load of undigested pork into the envelope. Then send it express mail with delivery confirmation so you know it gets there while it is still moist.
When I'm on a date, I never know if I should reach for my purse once the check comes. I know we live in a time when women are supposed to be liberated, but I still think when a man takes a girl out he should pay. What do you think?
A Curious Lady
Although your date will most likely pick up the check, you should still offer to split it with him. You are showing your date that you understand the zeitgeist of this modern age: women are no longer to be protected from reality. Things cost money, and you'll show that you understand this, and that you understand the value of money. Most importantly, you'll show him that you know what it takes to be independent in society.
Just the other day, I gave an 11 year old girl at a baseball game a similar lesson. She thought that because she was young kid enjoying a sporting event with her dad, she wouldn't be intentionally vomited on. I showed her! That's a girl who will understand what it's like in the real world!
I'm pretty sure this bitch that I work with at the Stop and Shop scratched my car door. I'm pretty sure it's her because she always parks next to me and she's old and senile and she'd probably do something like that and not even notice or leave a note or anything. How should I get revenge?
Pissed off in PA
I will quote Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel here. "You really can't dust for vomit." Eat a shitload of Cheetos, drink a case of beer, stick your fingers down your throat, and give her driver side door a paint job she'll never forget. Not only will you exact your revenge, but if you're not caught in the act, it will be near impossible to prove that it is your vomit. Even though you get an employee discount at The Stop and Shop, you should buy the Cheetos in the next town over.
Dear Dungeonmaster, Most Esteemed Lord of Sorcery and Probability, Controller of Fates, Manipulator of Space-Time:
I humbly seek your opinion. My alma mater has adopted a new mascot, a most fearsome and terrible beast, a monster stitched together from the leftover pieces of the most violent and predatory of animals. The griffin! I ask You That Knows All, what is the best way to attack and defeat a griffin?
A 12th Level Archer from Jersey
Adult griffins have between 75 and 200 hit points. They are extremely maneuverable and have low encumbrance, so I would not recommend attempting to load and fire your crossbow. You will be eviscerated before you load the bolt. If you have high charisma, you might be able to approach the beast, and once you have gained its trust, I would recommend using a mace or vorpal sword to inflict as much damage as possible. If you have Elvish blood, you might be able to tame a young one and eventually ride it into battle.
Dear Dungeonmaster, Master of Fate and Dice, Lord of All Things:
Night after night, my wife has been working late on a project at her office. When she gets home, she has neither the time nor the inclination to polish my weapon. Her boss is a handsome man and he has a reputation as a lady-killer, but I can't prove anything. How should I proceed?
A 4th Level Druid
I need more information here. Is your wife's boss a dwarf or half-blood? Dwarfs are notoriously randy and half-bloods have no conscience. If you must assume the worst, then-- similar to the method I detailed above-- approach him cautiously and politely, and then suddenly accuse him of cuckolding you. If he seems guilty, if he furrows his brow or fingers a charm that he wears around his neck, then I recommend inflicting damage with a mace or vorpal sword. A white collar office worker has between 20 and 40 hit points. You will probably have to inflict two blows with the mace, unless you roll an 18,19, or 20. The vorpal sword may work with one blow, but they are harder to get through security. A rock duct-taped to a stick will work if you cannot procure any other weapon.
Dear Dungeonmaster, Knower of Stuff:
I lost my job last year and my health benefits have just recently expired. I didn't have the money to get on the COBRA continuation health plan, and now I have an unsightly wart growing on the side of my head and I don't have the cash to get it removed. I have tried a variety of spells and charms, to no avail, and I haven't been able to find a paladin to lay hands on me. I'm really at my wits end. What should I do?
Bob in Cincinnati
Bob, if you cannot call a succubus to come to you in the night and then convince her to drain the fluid, I recommend getting a trustworthy friend to hit the wart with a spiked mace. Once the fluid has suppurated, use a vorpal sword to cut the remainder of the infected flesh from your head.
I was recently at a ball game with my daughter, and someone maliciously vomited on her. Would I be justified in a court of law if I bludgeoned him with my mace and then stabbed him through the skull with my vorpal sword?
Angry in PA
Bludgeon away! If your conscience bothers you, pay a visit to your local cleric.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Police arrested a Cherry Hill man after he was accused of intentionally vomiting on a young girl at the Phillies game Wednesday evening.You read that correctly folks. This slack-jawed troglodyte INTENTIONALLY vomited on a 11 year old girl.
"I actually heard the individual behind me say, 'I'm gonna get sick', then I couldn't believe what I saw. He actually had his fingers down his mouth and into his throat to make himself vomit. He vomited and lurched forward and it was hitting my daughter," Vangelo explained.Was there any doubt he'd look like Chunk from Goonies? The shiner is a nice touch Matt.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
By the grace of God and my convoluted work schedule, today was the perfect day to try the mythical bunless wonder. After getting to the office at 5:30 this morning in order to get some work done, around 11 I journeyed up to the House that Jeter Built for a client event. After several morning/early afternoon beers at Stans and a random discussion with the Z-Man's sister, it was time to head to Penn station for my 3 pm train to DC. I arrived several minutes early, just in time to grab a quick bite. But what to get? Then, like a beacon in the night, the Tim Hortons/Taco Bell/KFC combo counter called out to me. After waiting in line for 15 min, I was awarded my prize. Two pieces of the Harland Sanders' chicken sandwiching two strips of bacon, a slice of jack cheese, and KFC special sauce. I not have been more let down since realizing that Mrs. Paci did not actually make those beans. Here is why...
1. Appearance: Not that fast food ever does, but this thing doesn't look like the sandwich in the commercial at all. The chicken is irregular shaped and the fixins are squishing out all over. Basically, it looks like a pile of crap. A pile of crap that you are expected to eat. Not a good start.
2. Taste: This is where I expected the DD to shine. Released from the shackles of the bun, I expected the chicken, the cheese, the bacon, the sauce, and the 11 herbs and spices to shine through, to explode into one's mouth Peter North style. Nope. Tastes like some chicken with bacon and cheese. The sauce is ok, but the whole thing was still rather dry. The Col. found a way to make bones almost edible and popcorn style chicken, but somehow they can't keep this pile of fat and goo moist. I just don't understand.
3. Eatability: Trying to eat this thing is a flat out shitshow. The neat little package shown on TV becomes an oozing, greasy mess in reality. It turns out that the Earl of Sandwich really knew what the fuck he was talking about when he put meat et al. between two slices of bread. The bun serves a purpose folks. It allows us to eat messy foods while not looking like half starved Neanderthals. In this one moment I realized what a perfect and under appreciated delivery system the bun is. The little paper condom that KFC gives you to hold this thing is useless. In the end, you are left holding the greasy, half eaten remains of a chicken cutlet. Not good times.
Clearly, you can see I am not a fan. However, this may need to be something every man & Shlara experience for themselves. Just remember, bread is not the enemy, it is a long overlooked friend that may be full of calories, but is around when you need them...kinda like Swint.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Port of Dover police rescue elderly woman left in car[Insert requisite clip here]
An elderly lady was accidentally abandoned in the back of a parked car when her relatives went on a day trip to France, police have revealed. Port of Dover Police received a call from two people on board a ferry as it left Dover. The pair left their car in a multi-storey car park ahead of the trip, forgetting their mother was inside.
Three feet tall
40 lbs of cooked bacon
Took 21 non-stop hours to build
Look at this monstrosity...
I strongly suggest curling up in your Tauntaun Sleeping Bag and sleeping for 40 years after devoruing this pork spectacle.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
We all know people invent plenty of things that never catch on, and that plenty of gadgets do not work as billed. But these are the inventions that don't make it, so who cares? Plenty of ideas get weeded out in the Darwinian memetic struggle for existence. That's what Malcolm Gladwell's seminal book The Tipping Point is about. My list is different. My list consists of things that have become entrenched in our society, inventions that suck, yet are a part of the fabric of many of our lives. We cannot become free of their stupid grip.
1. The universal remote. I've never used one that actually works.
2. Electric can opener. A hand powered can opener is smaller, faster, and easier to operate.
3. Tupperware. In the old days, if you wanted to save your leftovers, you just put the lid on the pot and threw it into the fridge or icebox or root cellar. And you could remember what was inside because you only had one pot. And you had to finish these leftovers before you could use this pot again. Or you could throw it to the hogs. But food was so scarce that, usually, you cleaned your plate. Maybe you wrapped a piece of chicken in foil.
Now after dinner, there is a futile struggle to match lid shapes and container sizes, to choose the correct container for the amount of food that is leftover (people skilled at this task, at eye-balling the amount of rice in a pot and choosing just the right sized plastic container have what I call Tupper-awareness). And then, after this great struggle, which takes place simultaneously while your para-sympathetic nervous system is trying to digest dinner, you place the little containers in the fridge, where they will remain, unopened, for weeks, until you are cleaning out the fridge and have to open each one, deal with the stench, scrape the stained Tupperware, so you can do it all again.
4. The cell phone. Remember when you could just say, "I'm going out."
5. Lint roller. I polled the office today, and women expressed a great love for this invention, but I'm pretty sure its main use is to be able to legally hit your kid with a stick. Or that's what it felt like when my mother de-linted me when I was a kid..
6. Electric vibrating football. Completely ridiculous concept-- that the tactics, strategy, play calling, and excitement of football could be reproduced with a vibrating board. Almost as stupid as that foosball type hockey game. Foosball isn't so great either, but people seem to like to play it in their basement.
7. Organized religion. Like we don't have enough to worry about?
8. Best/Worst Lists.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Friday, April 09, 2010
There's a referendum on the Cali ballot (coincidental term) that would legalize -- and tax -- the sensemilla. I'm not sure what the actual chances of this passing are, but let's not forget: this is a state where Conan is governor and where Louie Anderson gets work. It could happen. (And in a more local vein, this WaPo article suggests DC might be soon to follow suit.)
Of the many tokes . . . uh, takes on the matter -- and there are plenty, from the religious right heavy-handedly condemning Lucifer's Oregano to the unintelligible ramblings of the Spicoli's Apostles, here's an interestingly narrow-minded one: DailyFinance.com suggests in an article entitled "Would Legalized Pot Threaten California's Economy?" that making the ganj legal might hurt the economy more than help it:
Oddly enough, the measure to legalize pot could undermine that stability. Illegality, the argument goes, plays a big role in keeping competition low and prices high. The high cost and risk of growing, distributing and selling the drug amount to barriers of entry that keep many potential competitors out of the business. So if these activities become legal, prices could plummet as aspiring marijuana moguls flood the market.You can draw your own conclusions as to how stony the author was when she scripted it, or whether it's a Christian values argument cloaked in economic sheepskin. The jobs lost would be untaxed positions employing lawbreakers. That many pot growers and dealers are peaceable humans on farms and on skateboards just bringing a little green joy into the world means that I wish no ill on them whatsoever; I just can't worry too much that their indie label might go mainstream.
The prospect of legalization has some Humboldt County growers so worried that an estimated 100 industry insiders met with community leaders last week to discuss the possibility of a "post-pot" economy. "The legalization of marijuana will be the single most devastating event in the work force on the North Coast," organizer Anna Hamilton reportedly said at the meeting. She estimates that the price of outdoor marijuana could drop to as little as $500 a pound and result in the loss of 15,000 to 30,000 jobs.
30,000 jobs lost? How many more would be created? How many manufacturers, packagers, marketers, and strategists would need to be hired? What about the increased demand for rolling papers, roach clips, bowls, bongs, and fresh fruit? It's venture capitalist heaven, the introduction of a new industry that isn't new. The market share is already carved out; it's now time to see who can produce and advertise their product the best. If, and it's a big if, it goes through, it's an exciting marketplace whose full potential we have yet to completely inhale.
Economics was never really my thing, however, as evidenced by my struggles just to get to C level in Micro at W&M. (It didn't help that I liked to cut class and Professor Barry had a renowned photographic memory.) No, what I am most excited about is marijuana legalization American style, meaning big budget advertising. Take the minds that brought you the best commercials for SportsCenter, Miller Lite, GoDaddy, and especially Nextel, and apply them to cannabis. The results are sure to be side-splitting, and I cannot wait.
Gheorghe: The Blog, nothing if not cutting edge, is now inviting you, our fair readership, to spitball and storyboard some possible slogans, premises, and ad campaigns for the kind bud industry. Who knows? With all of job opportunities on the horizon, you just might find yourself gainfully employed by the marketing department at Tarlek's Herb, Weedies, Reefer Sutherland, or The Green Leafe. Fire it up.
We know that apes are ticklish. But does ape and human laughter mean the same thing? Marina Davila-Ross, a neuroscientist at the University of Portsmouth in England, sought an answer in what is perhaps science’s most enjoyable research project: tickling human and ape babies to compare their laughter. After tickling the babies of several colleagues and recording their giggles, Davila-Ross traveled the world, recording the laughter of baby chimps, bonobos, gorillas and even a siamang, a gibbon found in Southeast Asia. In most cases, she held the mic as the apes’ handlers tickled the little ones. (“Apes are like us—many won’t be tickled by a stranger,” she explains.) But after three months in an orangutan rehab center in Borneo, she got to do her own tickling on half a dozen furry orange babies. Her research suggests that tickle-induced laughter developed in a common ancestor 10 to 16 million years ago. “It was fun,” Davila-Ross admits. “It’s play behavior, and everybody—apes and humans—enjoys that.”"It’s play behavior, and everybody—apes and humans—enjoys that.” Ain't that the truth. Right turn Clyde.
Thursday, April 08, 2010
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Yes, it has an eagle's head and a lion's body, symbolizing the College's historical debt to both the United States and Great Britain. And sure, it'll play well with the Harry Potter demo. But how do we explain this to our children? How do I look into my daughter's perplexed eyes and answer her question: "Why does it have a naked man's legs and a tail?"
Why, indeed, sweetheart?
On this sad occasion, I feel it both appropriate and necessary to cast about for a silver lining. And in the Griffin's animated namesake, I think we may have found just such a balm.
I suspect Peter may make the occasional appearance in these parts as the Griffin assumes his place in W&M lore. And if you think today's announcement signals the end of the Wren, I think you may underestimate the power of our stubborn laziness.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
G:TB would like to present a diorama contest for the people . . . with the People's Candy, the American People's Candy. A candy that has been made in America since the mid-1800's. A candy, that-- if you so desired-- you could go ahead and make right in your own kitchen, and then sell it-- because it is not copyrighted or trademarked. A candy which no one will admit to eating, no one will admit to liking, but which defies this sentiment to to the tune of four million consumed pounds a year . . . and that's just the amount Spangler makes. That's not even including Brach's and Farley's! I am talking, of course, about the absolutely incredible, completely inedible Circus Peanut.
I could wax poetically for pages about the color, the texture, and the flavor of this most American treat, but it all boils down to this: circus peanuts barely pass as a food product. Their texture, when fresh, is that of congealed shaving foam, and once stale, a hard plastic shell forms around their dissolving guts. They taste like rotten bananas sprayed with Clorox. There is no name for the color (Agent Orange?) so you'll have to refer to the picture. If you need more history, there is far too much of it here.
The rules for G:TB First Annual Circus Peanut Diorama Contest are as follows: 1) while making the diorama, you must be under the influence of at least ONE circus peanut. I ate two. 2) No Peeps allowed.
Send your entries to email@example.com. I will judge the entries while under the influence of a stale circus peanut. Here is my entry. I call it "P-Day." I expect at least one entry entitled "Peanut Envy."
The grand prize for the winner is that you will never have to eat another circus peanut as long as you live. Runner-ups will receive a life-time supply of circus peanuts.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Butler is from a non-power conference. Butler plays in the state where Hoosiers takes place. Butler has some scrappy Caucasian players and a scrappy Caucasian coach. And even though Duke may well be a Goliath (and Zoubek looks like an oafish ogre), Butler is no David. Here's a quick look at the team's results this year:
Record: 33-4. Three of these losses came against power conference schools (Minnesota, Clemson, Georgetown), two of which were ranked all year. The fourth loss was against UAB, which looks like the lone fart on Butler's schedule. However, UAB was 25-9 this year and had some decent wins of their own. That UAB loss was on December 22nd. Butler has reeled off 25 straight wins since. Among its 26 regular-season wins (pre conference and NCAA tourney wins) are out-of-conference wins against Northwestern, UCLA, Ohio State, Xavier and Siena. And the team ran the table in twenty conference games.
Yes, the coach looks like a nerd, especially when he hip-bumps his players in the locker room. Yes, you may not have known where the school was located. No, they are not David. They are an exceptionally well-coached team with a suffocating defense.
Friday, April 02, 2010
To celebrate the lessons learned and get rid of the leftover peeps, I'm making Peepshi.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world.
The LHC successfully collided particles at record force earlier this week, a milestone Mr Cole was attempting to disrupt by stopping supplies of Mountain Dew to the experiment's vending machines. He also claimed responsibility for the infamous baguette sabotage in November last year.
Mr Cole was seized by Swiss police after CERN security guards spotted him rooting around in bins. He explained that he was looking for fuel for his 'time machine power unit', a device that resembled a kitchen blender.
Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening."
Save the Pacific Tree Octopus from Extinction
Please go here now to read about the rare -- and getting rarer -- pacific northwest tree octopus.
The Pacific Northwest tree octopus (Octopus paxarbolis) can be found in the temperate forests of the Olympic Peninsula on the west coast of North America. Their habitat lies on the Eastern side of the Olympic mountain range, adjacent to Hood Canal. These solitary cephalopods reach an average size (measured from arm-tip to mantle-tip,) of 30-33 cm. Unlike most other cephalopods, tree octopuses are amphibious, spending only their early life and
the period of their mating season in their ancestral aquatic environment. Because of the moistness of the forests and specialized skin adaptations, they are able to keep from becoming desiccated for prolonged periods of time, but given the chance they would prefer resting in pooled water.
Although the tree octopus is not officially listed on the Endangered Species List, we feel that it should be added since its numbers are at a critically low level for its breeding needs. The reasons for this dire situation include: decimation of habitat by logging and suburban encroachment; building of roads that cut off access to the water which it needs for spawning; predation by foreign species such as house cats; and booming populations of its natural predators, including the bald eagle . . .
Unless immediate action is taken to protect this species and its
habitat, the Pacific Northwest tree octopus will be but a memory.