Thursday, April 29, 2010

Greasetruck Declares: I Like Food

Every so often the stars align, and I create the greatest rock song in the history of music. Sometimes I do it with a little help from my friends and sometimes I do it alone. But despite my lack of aesthetic sense and my even greater lack of musical talent, it happens rather frequently.


It happened freshman year of college when Whitney and I wrote "Bloodfinger" and "Oh Melissa" in the same sitting (and despite Rob's percussion, these were the best rock songs recorded in 1989) and then it happened again in 1991 when Random Idiots recorded a little hip-hop number celebrating the death of children's author Theodore Geisel; then, in 2003, long after everyone thought I was out of the game (and the country) Greasetruck combined a rambling monologue with grunge rock, resulting in "Dirty Girls,"; it happened a fourth time when Greasetruck reflected on the current financial crisis with "The Bear," and it happened a FIFTH time last summer when Whitney and I and a dozen other musicians created the magnum opus collage of bad rock lyrics we call "Dear Ozzy (Thanks For Nothing)."


I know that I am extremely lucky. Many famous rock bands (such as Starship, Chicago and Emerson, Lake and Palmer) never recorded even one song that could be considered the greatest rock song in all of history. This is confusing, and so I should define my terms: to be the greatest rock song in all of rock history (and, paradoxically, there can be more than one) it must be a song, that when heard (drunk or sober) you think in your head: this is the greatest rock song in all of history. Example: "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. Anti-example: "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel.

They say lightning never strikes six times in the same place, but I beg to differ. After a barely tolerable run of songs about obtuse topics (time travel, the Olympic theme for snowboarders, psychedelia in the desert, free will vs. determinism, and novel writing) Greasetruck has tackled a subject for the masses. A surefire hit. One that can't go wrong. The song is called "I Like Food" and it's all about . . . liking food. And how a lot of the food I like sounds kind of dirty.

There is no monologue, but the song includes a rap, and I got some lyrical aid from Whitney (mad rhymes such as: blew up Jaws, made a lot of sushi/ then I squeezed a jello-zit like Belushi) so not only is this the greatest rock song in the history of music, it is also the greatest rap song in the history of Caucasian hip hop (excluding everything ever done by The Beastie Boys, Eminem, 3rd Bass, Aesop Rock, and House of Pain . . . see the Cauc Hop). So it's better than Vanilla Ice. And it is safe for work, so turn it up. There's also plenty of allusions in the rap, see if you can spot them all. The toughest one is from Raising Arizona. The lyrics are underneath the SoundClick widget.


I like food, yes I do.
I like to chew, that's why I like you.

We like to eat when we meet.
A restaurant, you order what you want.

We like food, yes it's true.
We like to chew, and that's why I like you.

I need protein, you know what I mean.
Give me something lean. Give me Soylent Green

We like food, me and you.
We like to chew, that's why I like you.

Cheese steak, fat cat, greasy gyro--
I say grinder, you say hero.
Hummus is chickpeas mashed to mush,
I'll stuck my pita in your baba ghanoush.
You say tomato, I say tomato,
guacamole is made of avocado.
Wonton, split pea, mulligatawny--
in Alien 3, they ate Sigourney.
Booberry, Crunchberry, Strawberry Quik--
my Tootsie Pop, it needs a lick.
In Chinatown, I ate a mallard,
uptown, Elaine gets a big salad.

Ate long pig, tasted like chicken
Hannibal finds it finger lickin'.
Yodels, Ho Hos, Tastee Cake--
try a little cookie from your EZ bake,
my bread will rise with the yeast,
eat cream pie at the Mayday feast.
Tapioca pudding, pecan log.
Diane suckin' on a chili dog.
Milk fed veal lives in a box,
clog your bagel hole with my lox.
Spread the butter, cut the cheese,
hold the chicken salad between your knees.

Starburst, Ring Dings, Jujy Fruit,
wing of bat, eye of newt,
Portnoy's liver, filet of fluke,
50 boiled eggs for Cool Hand Luke.
Glistening bags of sugar coated candy,
peel my grapes while a double-D fans me.
Crack the bone, suck the marrow--
bottle of rum with John Sparrow.
I like whitefish, I like scrod,
ate the worm and I saw God.

I ate crawdads, I ate sand,
ate your sauce from the can
Violet Beuragaurde chewed the gum.
I'll poke your plum pudding with my thumb.
Peeled the banana, bit the flesh,
drank bugged up milk with David Koresh.
Pizza, calzone, and stromboli--
Leave the gun, take the cannoli.
Buffet had a burger in Paradise,
but Kumar thinks White castle's nice.
A Chicken McNugget's got no bone,
I like Cheetos when I'm stoned.

Ate a rattlesnake then an anaconda,
ate Pad Thai with Jane Fonda.
Chicken Tikka's sauce is orange . . .
yeah, that stuff is really orange.
Blew up Jaws, made a lot of sushi
Squeezed a Jello zit like Belushi.
I ate spam, baked beans, and spam
I ate the egg, then I ate the egg man.
Got some couscous in Morocco,
then I got a rash from a tuna taco.

Pulled the pork off the butt
maraschino cherry, crack my nut.
Smuggling peanuts in your sweater,
bacon makes everything a little better
fill my sandwich with the Fluffernutter,
Brando says pass the butter
I ate cat-food, I ate dog . . .
went to France and ate a frog.
Then I ate nothing, like my hombre Gandhi--
a lot of these rhymes rely on spondee.

We like food . . .

You cook for me and then we eat.
I say it's good, just like should.

I like the food, yes I like the food . . .
We like the food. Yeah we like to chew . . .

31 comments:

rob said...

heroic effort rhyming something with mulligatawny. and orange.

TJ said...

Soylent Green is people!

Jerry said...

Caps.

rob said...

i can't tell if jerry is criticizing my commenting style or offering a minimalist recap of last night.

TJ said...

Choking dogs.

cgormley said...

I'll give it 5 partially hydrogenated dingleberries out of 6.

Dave said...

you'll have to wait for the album to hear my epic solo-- the song got cut off because it's too long. is there an easier way to put up music on a blog?

Dave said...

i've convinced a co-worker who is good at drawing food to make an animated video for the song. it should be ready in six years or so . . .

TJ said...

You work with Hoops McCann?

Marls said...

I give it two mutant thumbs up.

Marls said...

Cassandra is playing tonight at the Dew Drop Inn.

TJ said...

Hey, Hoops, you ever notice how people die in alphabetical order?

TJ said...

PHILADELPHIA (CBS 3) ― Starting this coming Monday, Philadelphia Police officers will no longer be responding to minor fender benders.

Motorists will have to fend for themselves and call the nearest police district on their own.


Yep, nothing can go wrong with that plan at all.

zman said...

"Fend" for themselves! Ha! If I get into a fender bender in Philly I'll fend for myself by vomiting on the schmuck who bent my fender.

Marls said...

Has anybody seen the show "Parking Wars"? I think it's on A&E. They follow around the good folks of the Philadelphia Parking Authority as they ticket and boot cars. They tend to show them doing this in not so nice areas. At the risk of pissing off the Philadelpia Dirtbag demographic that was here last week, the show really confirms that Philly is the s-hole we all believe it to be.

Igor said...

Dave, the best lyrics I ever penned were those of "Title IX," but I need the right producer to make the tune live up to them. I'm thinking Rick Rubin, George Martin, or Bruce Dickinson. Maybe Luther Campbell.

Igor said...

Dave, I've decided you really need a fat guy singing this song. I'll come up to NJ this summer.

Jerry said...

Maybe you guys could do a whole set at OBFT.

Igor said...

But then we might not have time to go out to bars...

but yes, Jerry, it's a great idea.

Jerry said...

Yes, and then somebody might say, "we could stay here and watch this OR we could go to the bars."

rob said...

they have bars at obft?

Dave said...

title IX might be your best lyrical effort-- someday we'll make a decent version of that one.

we are definitely playing a set at OBFT-- i'll bring my banjo! we'll empty the house before we're halfway through "Dear Ozzy."

rob said...

so i'm stuck in rush hour traffic, and the two cute teenaged girls in the car behind me are making out. this is...unexpected.

zman said...

Don't stare. You're probably being punked or something like that. I predict that this will end poorly for you.

rob said...

that thought did cross my mind, z. but we've gone our separate ways and no sign of ashton kutcher.

Marls said...

From the Washington Post: Masturbating Man Causes 10 Car Pile Up

From NY Post: Gender Bender: Teen Lesbos and masturbating midget cause accident.

Now if you were in Philly, you could do whatever you wanted since the cops would not show up even if you caused an accident. +1 for Philly.

Dave said...

i've seen the glasses you wear.

those weren't girls and they weren't teenagers.

focus on the road.

rob said...

+1 marls

Igor said...

+1 Dave

Dan said...

i have a feeling this will be the last comment of the post, thus having to repeat the question once the new post arrives. despite that, i will ask - have any of you hardchargers seen Flogging Molly live? they're playing here tomorrow night and despite the late showtime of 8:00, am considering attending.

Igor said...

Dan, I had a ticket to see them last month but had to bail. Heard good things, however.

Saw the band Citizen Cope last night here in SEVA. Excellent show, recommended artist.