Thursday, April 15, 2010

I have seen the future, and it is not the Double Down.

[This post was sent to me at 3:58pm yesterday afternoon. G:TB Special Correspondent Marls, for reasons only known to him and his imam, chose to sacrifice his body for the greater good and eat a KFC Double Down sandwich. His tale is below.]

By the grace of God and my convoluted work schedule, today was the perfect day to try the mythical bunless wonder. After getting to the office at 5:30 this morning in order to get some work done, around 11 I journeyed up to the House that Jeter Built for a client event. After several morning/early afternoon beers at Stans and a random discussion with the Z-Man's sister, it was time to head to Penn station for my 3 pm train to DC. I arrived several minutes early, just in time to grab a quick bite. But what to get? Then, like a beacon in the night, the Tim Hortons/Taco Bell/KFC combo counter called out to me. After waiting in line for 15 min, I was awarded my prize. Two pieces of the Harland Sanders' chicken sandwiching two strips of bacon, a slice of jack cheese, and KFC special sauce. I not have been more let down since realizing that Mrs. Paci did not actually make those beans. Here is why...

1. Appearance: Not that fast food ever does, but this thing doesn't look like the sandwich in the commercial at all. The chicken is irregular shaped and the fixins are squishing out all over. Basically, it looks like a pile of crap. A pile of crap that you are expected to eat. Not a good start.

2. Taste: This is where I expected the DD to shine. Released from the shackles of the bun, I expected the chicken, the cheese, the bacon, the sauce, and the 11 herbs and spices to shine through, to explode into one's mouth Peter North style. Nope. Tastes like some chicken with bacon and cheese. The sauce is ok, but the whole thing was still rather dry. The Col. found a way to make bones almost edible and popcorn style chicken, but somehow they can't keep this pile of fat and goo moist. I just don't understand.

3. Eatability: Trying to eat this thing is a flat out shitshow. The neat little package shown on TV becomes an oozing, greasy mess in reality. It turns out that the Earl of Sandwich really knew what the fuck he was talking about when he put meat et al. between two slices of bread. The bun serves a purpose folks. It allows us to eat messy foods while not looking like half starved Neanderthals. In this one moment I realized what a perfect and under appreciated delivery system the bun is. The little paper condom that KFC gives you to hold this thing is useless. In the end, you are left holding the greasy, half eaten remains of a chicken cutlet. Not good times.

Clearly, you can see I am not a fan. However, this may need to be something every man & Shlara experience for themselves. Just remember, bread is not the enemy, it is a long overlooked friend that may be full of calories, but is around when you need them...kinda like Swint.

51 comments:

TR said...

That is the widest, shortest thumb nail I think I've ever seen.

TR said...

And I think every Peter North reference should reference him as Peter "The Milkman" North.

TJ said...

That doesn't look so much like a thumb as it does a cocktail wiener.

zman said...

Marls has toe-thumbs.

zman said...

And I'm not sure how I feel about the Z-Sister's cameo.

TJ said...

Marls was booking her for a very special "All Z-Family" episode next week.

Igor said...

Z-man, I thought we called your sister the IROC-Z?

And seriously, Marls -- did you lose the upper half of your thumb in the thresher and have a thumbnail surgically implanted?

zman said...

She isn't ready for the full IROC treatment yet, she's just a Berlinetta.

Geoff said...

I always thought PEter North was "The Redecorator"?

And in other news that relates both to this post and to Peter North aficionados, today is Swint's birthday. His liver is turning 45, and his sex life is turning 12.

Shlara said...

1400 mgs of sodium and 23-32 grams of fat in there...that's disgusting.

TJ said...

Geoff...gift:
http://bit.ly/95z3Ba

Greg said...

Jerry's favorite singer ever is a Marlins fan? Boooo-yah.

http://deadspin.com/5517857/scott-stapp-ruins-baseball

Dan said...

the thumb appearance was too, my first thought.
short & wide is better than short and not wide...so you got that goin for ya marls.
i may give the meal a try - purchasing where marls purchased i don't believe is representative of that fine company puts out day in and day...out.

Dave said...

i showed this post to a friend in the office, her first reaction was, "that guy has no thumb nail!"

we may need a g:tb hand model.

my hands are beautiful (aside from the thick pelt of knuckle hair.)

Marls said...

That is my official Acme Hitchhikers Thumb.

I seriously felt sick for two hours after eating the DD. Thankfully for me, but not for the next visitor, I unloaded the remains at a M street Starbucks this morning.

Marls said...

Right now Victoria Jackson, former SNL'er and star of Casual Sex, is leading several thousand tea partiers in a sing along on Pennsylvania Ave. Wow. Just wow. This is almost as disturbing as my thumb nail.

Geoff said...

Marls...tell me you didn't come to DC for the Tea Party.

Marls said...

I did not. I am at an American Bar Association conference at the Marriott. The tea party is just an amusing side show.

Marls said...

Maybe these people are taxed too much. From the looks of things, they have not bought new clothes since 1996.

Tea partiers love mom jeans, washed up 80's comediennes, the golden corral.

Shlara said...

THAT's who those people are? I just went out to get lunch and there are a lot of wackos with signs roaming around...

zman said...

But do they love tea? It seems like they should.

TR said...

Victoria Jackson showed her bare ass in a bad 1980's Lea Thompson movie. I know this because I remember the details of every nudity scene in every movie I watched in the 1980's.

Geoff said...

Today's events will culminate with Lee Greenwood singing Proud to Be An American while two bald eagles gouge out the eyes of a gay abortion doctor. Then dinner at Outback, watch a quick syndicated episode of JAG, pray for 90 minutes, missionary sex, and 10 hours of sleep.

Geoff said...

That would be Casual Sex, which Marls referred to earlier.

zman said...

Isn't Outback an Australian restaurant? Shouldn't tea partiers give their money to a fine American establishment that serves fine American food, like Applebee's?

Geoff said...

Yes, fair point. Any chain restaurant with consistent, nonthreatening decor and cheese fries on the menu will do.

Geoff said...

And for the record, by missionary sex I mean sex with an actual missionary.

TJ said...

Leave Mrs. Tebow out of this.

Mark said...

I highly doubt tea partiers are having sex, unless little boys are involved.

Geoff said...

Mark, I disagree. Tea Partiers only have post-marital sex with their wives. However, while doing so, they are thinking about little boys.

TR said...

I thought Marls was referring to her private life.

Mark said...

Fair enough, Geoff.

Greg said...

Outback is to "Australian" as Olive Garden is to "Italian".

TJ said...

Nice run by Eddie Jordan in Philly.

zman said...

If you had $31,600 burning a hole in your pocket, would you buy a used S4 convertible? Take a fantastic vacation? Give it to your favorite charity? Make a down payment on a condo? Remodel your kitchen? Go to AC and put it all on black? Or ... buy an old Atari video game?

http://tinyurl.com/y4cphos

zman said...

G:TB's next editorial field trip is to the moma:

http://tinyurl.com/y2549qx

Igor said...

Do you think the Tea Partiers had some tea on their flight into town? Because I can't stand the Pan Am coffee, but I sure do love the TWA tea.

cgormley said...

Most twenty year olds do not get that joke. And it's a shame.

Dan said...

and this near 40-year old.

cgormley said...

Twat, you say?

Greg said...

TWA tea? I haven't heard of that since I used to work in Chicago at an old department store.

Dan said...

'tis true. should i be embarrassed? i don't get the joke. i know who pan am and twa are, having experienced both in my youth...they were fine airlines indeed. but the tea and coffee comment...it, like many comments here, go over by thinning haired head.

Dan said...

eastern airlines was my first and favorite though - i remember a super fresh "stewardess" pinning me with her wings on my 1st flight ever. i was headn down to orlando to jam with mick and min. i was 6.

cgormley said...

That's it program them early for a life of failure.

http://tinyurl.com/y7yo7pe

TJ said...

And there goes Gormley stealing my filler tomorrow. Thanks chief.

Igor said...

Dan, I'll try to explain the joke. (Which is the most glaring evidence that the joke was not good.)

See, the Pan Am coffee was what those in the biz would call "the set-up." It's not funny, but intentionally so (unlike the rest of the joke). It lures you the audience in, and has you all perked up and ready for the whammy.

And bam, here it comes. The TWA tea. Okay, here's where my comment suffers strike two. It succeeds mostly as an orally delivered joke. (What many of the W&M co-eds used to perform; it hardly qualified as a sex act in some cases, and was better filed under "exfoliation of the johnson.")

Repeat after me (out loud): "I love TWA tea"

Say it loud, and repeat it several times if you are in a public place.

And the worst part of the joke, the death knell from a comedic standpoint, is that neither Pan Am nor TWA have been in business for quite a few years. Doesn't stop idiots like me from keeping in it my active arsenal. Case in point.

This is been your painful joke dissection of the day.

(And if I have to explain the female anatomy and some slang terms for it . . . well, I will.)

cgormley said...

No problem. TJ. I got some other good ones. Need any?

TJ said...

Dave, Mike Hunt realllly loves that joke.

Mike. Hunt.

Dan said...

thanks whigor. a very thorough explanation.

TJ said...

Caps.

Poop.

Igor said...

Back to the original post, if you haven't heard W&M alum/comedian Patton Oswalt's harangue on the KFC Famous Bowls in his bit "America Has Spoken," you should check it out.