Monday, April 19, 2010

Gheorghe Does Fashion, Part 69

As we seek opportunities to tear down the walls of bipartisanship in this country like they were chapter 11 Planet Hollywoods, here's an olive branch: me lifting an article from Fox News, and without the standard lefty sarcasm.

This morning's report is on a new phenomenon that may be well-trod ground amongst you youngsters, but for the decrepit old bastards that limp around this blogspace, it's a bizarre new trend whose description leaves eyebrows and johnson rods slightly raised. It's . . .

Vajazzling!

The article, by Fox News' Jenny Block, details the decorative fashion of gluing crystals and rhinestones in the pusillanimous area of adventurous ladies. It begins:

Jennifer Love Hewitt recently decorated her nether regions with Swarovski crystals, turning her naughty bits into -- her words -- a "pink disco ball." It’s called Vajazzling. Like Bedazzling, you know? With vajazzling, you go into a high-end salon, get waxed bare, and are bejewled below the belt.

Wait . . . what?
The procedure goes something like this: You choose your design and they wax you bare as the day you were born. Then the design is hand-glued, crystal by crystal, or a crystal "tattoo" is applied. Generally, the vajazzling is done just above the, well, key player, as it were. Having it done any further down is not recommended, though from Hewitt’s description, it sounds like she went all out. Some women have a very small, simple design done high enough that low-slung jeans will reveal a glimmer. But the real thing is as low as you dare to go. Basically, where the hair was, now there are crystals.
The writer was so intrigued that she gave it a go herself. She didn't go into one of the hoity-toity salons; she did it herself.
So, after preparing my, ahem, canvas, I asked my significant other to give me a hand. Peel, position, press, and release. Viola, I was all jazzled! I have to admit, the whole idea seemed kind of kooky. But, hey, I’m all for an adventure. And my lover dug it too. The whole experiment led to a little fooling around, in fact, during which no crystals were harmed.
The process is supposed to last between 1-5 days. Unless you really go for it and have your FUPA pierced with diamond studs. (Dramatization. Do not attempt.)
Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.
Well, that did it for me. The domino effect of interactive reporting continues, as I decided to not merely report it but do it. I learned that for men, it's called "scrotazzling," and the process isn't just about glamming up your junk -- it's really about spending a little quality time with your three best friends. After all, they are the family jewels!!

My biggest problem was that I didn't have the proper glue. No worries, I had an old tube of Krazy Glue left over from my futile attempts at building an android girl. Presto, they're on, and I'm one jangly such-and-such! It's worth noting that rubies are not recommended; the irritation is such that everything down there is a deep shade of magenta by the time you get done, and they just don't show up very well. I have a feeling that after a week or so, the emeralds may suffer the same fate.

[Photo Withheld]

Like Ms. Block, I asked my lover to help me apply the stones, especially in hard-to-see spots like my taint, but she quickly declined. And frankly, fooling around was out of the question when you're clunking around six pounds of faux costume jewelry on your gear. It all amounts to a modern day chastity belt, if you ask me. And the itching . . . dear God. To be honest, there were moments when the scrotazzling seemed not to be a terrible idea, but in the name of out-in-the-field journalism, it was all worth it. I became party of this sexy phenomenon, and I've never felt more fashionable.

40 comments:

TR said...

I am a proud anazzler.

Geoff said...

I often add pin stripes and tassels to my cock for important meetings and formal social events.

TR said...

I have to say, I like a bit o' pubes on ladies. Not the booming disco-era pyramid, but a nice landing strip. Not sure why that's become a bad thing in recent years. And HD TV doesn't accentuate the commando look either. From what I've heard.

zman said...

Disco mitts rock.

Igor said...

Give me booming disco-era. Please. Years ago, Geoff put it best when he said I like her to look like she's got Buckwheat's head in a leg lock.

That was a nice bonus while watching Soul Train the other night -- 'cause you just knew there were some serious jungles 'neath those poly-blended pants-suits.

IGOR!!

rob said...

misery loves company update: the red sox are a fucking shitshow

zman said...

Mike Cameron's take on kidney stones:

"I've been knocked out," Cameron said on Saturday, "and this was worse than that. I've never been shot, but if getting shot is worse than this, I hope I never get shot."

zman said...

Which is interesting, because most people I know hope to get shot.

Igor said...

misery loves company update part II: the Mets are a fucking shitshow, too, but they don't have a morning game on a civic holiday highlighted by a prestigious marathon to showcase it.

TJ said...

Part-time half-writer misery loves company update three: the yankees are winning 105 games and javy vazquez is still a non-vajazzled bitch.

TR said...

Point of correction, Mr. Teej. The Yanks are on track to win 121 games, Hip Hip Jorge Posada is on track for 54 HRs and Big Daddy Mo Mo Rivera is on track for 68 saves.

TJ said...

If the Nats want to give me a call I'm quite certain I can provide just as shitty a performance on the mound as Jason Marquis.

Igor said...

He's the Marquis de Sad!

Ha!!

Igor said...

And not enough reaction was garnered by TR's "anazzler" proclamation.

zman said...

I think rectazzler would've been snazzier and garnered more feedback.

TJ said...

I think a vajazzled Jennifer Garner would elicit some feedback.

Greg said...

What about the taintazzler? Or the more daring base-of-the-shaftazzler?

zman said...

I saw her in person once. She's very angular, not necessarily in a good way. I can't speak as to whether her delicates are bedazzled though. Ben Affleck is at least 6'4" and he has the biggest head I've ever seen on a human being.

Michael said...

T-minus 2.5 hours until TMarls and myself are partaking of the coldest beers that Citi Field has to offer. I hope that the Cubs can actually pull one out, but they are pretty terrible too. Not sure if the Mets are worse. I'll be finding out in person today and Wednesday. question: should I wear my Mark Prior jersey out of shame for how bad the Cubs are playing?

Igor said...

Greg, you have to be careful and not get too adventurous down there, lest you end up with some urethrazzling or, God forbid, some vasdeferensazzling. Yee-ow.

TJ said...

The sachandelier I have added is causing some work issues...

Igor said...

Michael Jack and the Marlsboro Man, headed to watch the Mets ratchet out four hits and a sac fly in a 5-1 loss to the Cubs.

Wish I could join you clowns. Gotta get to Citi this year.

And you should wear your Bull Durham jersey. I mean the dude, not the film.

TJ said...

These NASCAR races spilling over to Monday afternoons are working out nice...rubbing is racing!!!

IGOR!!!

zman said...

You mean Chris Sachandelier? Igor's long lost twin/nom de guerre?

Mark said...

TJ's a NASCAR fan? Or just a fan of not working?

TJ said...

Yes.

Marls said...

Looking forward to another Jametsian effort out of the boys in blue and orange tonight. The only bright spot is that the Ike Davis era begins tonight. Of course, knowing the track record of Mets prospects this will likely be comparable to the David Segui era in Queens.

Eye-Gor, I would be happy to host you for a game this summer. I have 20 games and God knows I won't be able to sell any of my games if they don't play any better. That being said, Citi is a great place to drink a couple beer on a nice summer night.

TJ said...

The Teej does not have a hockey jersey, but this Simpspon fellow seems to be a good bet when watching Habs/Caps. First beer to the guy who calls me out.*

*Gay jokes reserved for Geoffrey

Dave said...

awesome post. reminds me of a third floor pi lam shower incident-- i tied a wad of purple big league chew in a ribbon around my stuff, showed it off, and then realized that gum sticks to pubic hair.

you go to college to learn things like that.

TJ said...

Caps!!!!

TJ said...

Goodbye Halak...

If only you spoke Hovitos.

zman said...

PFW refers to the Clinton Portis/Larry Johnson tandem as the Port-A-John backfield. It made me laugh out loud.

逸凡逸凡 said...

It is never too late to learn. ......................................................

rob said...

to vajazzle

Marls said...

Mets win. Mets win. Swint mad. Swint mad.

Marls said...

After a trip to mcfadden's swint is still angry cub guy. The is no balm. Even under age vejazzled pussy does not make him happy. Tough.

TJ said...

Who told him to put the balm on?

Marls said...

Nobody knows what the balm does.

TJ said...

It might be 11:22 on a Monday, but I am most definitely looking for Ray Finkle



And a clean pair of shorts

TimikaE_Harkey said...

青春一逝不復返,事業一失難有成。......................................................