Gheorghe Does Fashion, Part 69

As we seek opportunities to tear down the walls of bipartisanship in this country like they were chapter 11 Planet Hollywoods, here's an olive branch: me lifting an article from Fox News, and without the standard lefty sarcasm.

This morning's report is on a new phenomenon that may be well-trod ground amongst you youngsters, but for the decrepit old bastards that limp around this blogspace, it's a bizarre new trend whose description leaves eyebrows and johnson rods slightly raised. It's . . .

Vajazzling!

The article, by Fox News' Jenny Block, details the decorative fashion of gluing crystals and rhinestones in the pusillanimous area of adventurous ladies. It begins:

Jennifer Love Hewitt recently decorated her nether regions with Swarovski crystals, turning her naughty bits into -- her words -- a "pink disco ball." It’s called Vajazzling. Like Bedazzling, you know? With vajazzling, you go into a high-end salon, get waxed bare, and are bejewled below the belt.

Wait . . . what?

The procedure goes something like this: You choose your design and they wax you bare as the day you were born. Then the design is hand-glued, crystal by crystal, or a crystal "tattoo" is applied. Generally, the vajazzling is done just above the, well, key player, as it were. Having it done any further down is not recommended, though from Hewitt’s description, it sounds like she went all out. Some women have a very small, simple design done high enough that low-slung jeans will reveal a glimmer. But the real thing is as low as you dare to go. Basically, where the hair was, now there are crystals.

The writer was so intrigued that she gave it a go herself. She didn't go into one of the hoity-toity salons; she did it herself.

So, after preparing my, ahem, canvas, I asked my significant other to give me a hand. Peel, position, press, and release. Viola, I was all jazzled! I have to admit, the whole idea seemed kind of kooky. But, hey, I’m all for an adventure. And my lover dug it too. The whole experiment led to a little fooling around, in fact, during which no crystals were harmed.

The process is supposed to last between 1-5 days. Unless you really go for it and have your FUPA pierced with diamond studs. (Dramatization. Do not attempt.)

Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.

Well, that did it for me. The domino effect of interactive reporting continues, as I decided to not merely report it but do it. I learned that for men, it's called "scrotazzling," and the process isn't just about glamming up your junk -- it's really about spending a little quality time with your three best friends. After all, they are the family jewels!!

My biggest problem was that I didn't have the proper glue. No worries, I had an old tube of Krazy Glue left over from my futile attempts at building an android girl. Presto, they're on, and I'm one jangly such-and-such! It's worth noting that rubies are not recommended; the irritation is such that everything down there is a deep shade of magenta by the time you get done, and they just don't show up very well. I have a feeling that after a week or so, the emeralds may suffer the same fate.

[Photo Withheld]

Like Ms. Block, I asked my lover to help me apply the stones, especially in hard-to-see spots like my taint, but she quickly declined. And frankly, fooling around was out of the question when you're clunking around six pounds of faux costume jewelry on your gear. It all amounts to a modern day chastity belt, if you ask me. And the itching . . . dear God. To be honest, there were moments when the scrotazzling seemed not to be a terrible idea, but in the name of out-in-the-field journalism, it was all worth it. I became party of this sexy phenomenon, and I've never felt more fashionable.