Saturday, April 24, 2010

Ask the Large Hadron Collider

For the third installment of advice from lesser known sages, G:TB heads to Switzerland. Mr. LHC is predictably unbiased in his guidance, but his breadth of culture is unexpectedly large--he's the Synchroton Booster who knows more than just the Higgs Boson!


Dear Mr. LHC:

When I first started dating my girlfriend, there was plenty of romance and adventure, but now it seems like all she wants to do is watch reality TV and chill out on Facebook. What should I do?


Timing in a relationship is a difficult thing. There are certainly peaks and valleys, and if you can't navigate these, then the relationship is doomed. Perhaps it would be best to remind your lover that soon, in a universal sense, the sun that your planet is orbiting will die out and all life will end in your corner of the galaxy. So why not jump into bed and use all the orifices your species has for pleasure?

Hey Collider,

What is the truth about dark matter? Is there enough of it to prevent the universe from expanding until it becomes a cold lifeless void?

Although many people do not prefer dark matter, it is essential for making a tasty soup stock.

Dear LHC:

Do you think the Giants number one draft choice Jason Pierre-Paul's ability to do thirteen back flips will have any correlation with his potential as a defensive end?




Gravity is known as the "weak force." Pierre-Paul's ability to temporarily defeat this force won't change the fact that the Giants now have five defensive ends vying for playing time. I will list them in order of how cool their names sound to me: 1) Osi Umenyiora 2) Mathias Kiwanuka 3) Justin Tuck 4) Jason Pierre-Paul 5) Dave Tollefson. Tollefson is going to have a hard time competing with names like that.

If this draft choice worries you, remember that in five billion years, your sun will turn into a "red giant" and expand rapidly until it either completely engulfs your planet or-- the best case scenario-- it boils away your oceans and atmosphere, turning your blue and green paradise into a barren lifeless rock. Choosing an inexperienced athlete from a less competitive conference in a position that you already have a wealth of talent at will be the least of your problems.


And what about the McNabb trade?

It is odd for the Eagles to set up a collision with a force they know is potent and momentous. It is my guess that while Michael Vick was incarcerated, he studied quantum physics, and has now postulated what will happen during the next run of experiments inside my bowels. He obviously shared this information with the front office. I don't want to ruin the surprise, and I'm not saying that a black hole may tear your nation's capitol loose from the space-time fabric, but don't be surprised if a black hole tears your nation's capitol loose from the space-time fabric.

25 comments:

zman said...

I wish I had a friend that could do backflips.

TJ said...

Enjoy Oakland Jason Campbell.

Dave said...

i am going to learn how to do a back-flip, simply so people can say that about me.

Jerry said...

Hmmm...do I get an Adrian Tracy jersey?

zman said...

Should I get a Zoltan Mesko jersey?

Mark said...

I'd like to bitch about Dwight Howard's propensity for picking up technical fouls but he's reffed so inconsistently from sequence to sequence that it's tough not understand his frustration.

And these fans in Charlotte can eat a dick.

Greg said...

A warehouse pallet of dicks

Jerry said...

Raiders signed Ryan Perrliloux. Perfect.

TR said...

I guess Al Davis is of the belief that once you go black, you never go back.

Pete Carroll has traded for LenDale White and Leon Washington today. A fatty and a guy who Theismaned his leg won't help him next year.

rob said...

juwan howard is still alive?

Greg said...

Ryan Pereiloux-zer

TJ said...

I eagerly await the Jevan Snead Era in Tampa Bay.

rob said...

dagger loss for the cottagers - 93rd minute pk

Jerry said...

It's good for the league. Now Everton still has a mathematical chance to catch Liverpool for the final Europa League spot. If they didn't, Liverpool would've thrown their game against Chelsea so Man U wouldn't pass them in overall titles won. Although that would've been interesting too.

mayhugh said...

For the two people who may care (and that number might be optimistically high), boxing enjoyed a solid night last night via HBO Boxing After Dark.

In the undercard, Alfredo "Perro" Angulo dropped a more technically skilled Jorge Julio with a dramatic right in what was spirited fight. It was the kind of shot that shows up on "Best Boxing Knockouts" highlight reels. Somehow Julio beat the count but the ref smartly called the fight. I enjoy this Angulo character - any boxer with a gimmick tends to suck me in. Angulo, embracing his moniker, wears a dog collar into the ring. Sometimes in the past I believe he's gone so far as to have a trainer hold a leash attached to the collar.

In the main event, after several pretty impotent months, heavyweight boxing finally threw out a pretty even, active, entertaining fight. Former light heavyweight and pride of Poland Tomasz Adamek (217 pounds) outpointed endearing fat guy Cris Arreola. Arreola has been known to fight north of 270 and weighted in at a relatively "trim" 251.5. He had about an inch of abdominal fat hanging over the sides of his trunks but fought hard even though it was clear he was past his stamina point in the late rounds. Entertaining fight, right result, and for once the man on the losing side of the scorecard didn't respond like a 4 year old who had his favorite crayon taken away. Arreola applauded during the decision for Adamek and was entertaining in his post fight interview, using the F word no less than 4 times (and referring to Adamek as "a great [11 letter word] and a great fighter"). If he cares to get in better shape, along with his personality, Arreola could be a great force in the HW ranks. He's charismatic, heavy handed, and throws a lot of punches for a big man. This is a guy I could get behind (not like that).

This all being an appetizer for me to the Sugar Shane/Mayweather fight. If Mayweather is trying to get me to hate him on 24-7 (very compelling installment), it's working. If someone could guarantee me that Mayweather would lose this contest, I would probably pay $500 to watch it on PPV. If they could guarantee he'd be battered for 10-11 rounds and then quit on his stool, I'd up that number by factor of 10.

TJ said...

So Jorge Julio went from blowing 9th inning leads to blowing boxing matches?

Mark said...

Don't forget blowing dudes. He did that too.

TJ said...

Dwayne Wade...heat check...

rob said...

can we talk about the okc thunder for a moment? they pulverized the lakers last night.

Geoff said...

Rob, it appears that we cannot.

rob said...

did not know that kevin durant was the third rail of gtb commentary.

Mark said...

I heart Kevin Durant. I had an engagement party last night so I missed out on the Thunder's destruction of LA. Bummer. I'm also reticent to talk about the Thunder lest I jinx things.

Shlara said...

I heart Kevin Durant too--even though he thinks I'm an idiot b/c I couldn't figure out how to work TJ's camera. Saw the last 5 mins of that game. Kobe didn't look happy.

Shlara said...

And, did everyone see this piece in the NYT about my BF Sam Presti, GM of the OK Thunder?

http://tiny.cc/6jrnk

Igor said...

Jerry Manuel took Mike Pelfrey out after five innings last night. You might claim it was because Pelf had thrown 106 pitches, but we happen to know it was because the pitcher's ERA had just been lowered to .69. Nice work, Mets.