Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ask Matthew Clemmens

Number two in a series of advice columns from lesser known sages.

This is not the Matthew Clemmens who intentionally vomited on an 11 year old girl at a recent Phillies game. You can read about him here. Our advice columnist Matthew Clemmens is a purely fictional 21 year old from Cherry Hill, New Jersey that is in no way related to the real Matthew Clemmens, who allegedly intentionally vomited on an 11 year old girl at a Phillies game. G:TB would never seek advice from THAT Matthew Clemmens, even for the sake of humor. And this fictional Matthew Clemmens does NOT look like the following citizen. Not in the least.


Dear Mr. Clemmens:

I recently shifted the balance of my Roth IRA into a 403B and I'm wondering what the consequences will be with the IRS. I own my own business, and for the past seven years I've been putting 25 percent of my income into the 403B. Will the Roth transfer default the tax benefit?

Confused in Kentucky

Confused:

There are several catch-up provisions available in regards to 403B contributions, and as long as you haven't contributed 25,000 dollars into your fund, then you can utilize these. If you have, then you might owe the government some money. Your closest IRS office is in Charlotte, NC. I would address a large manila envelope to your regional office, stick your fingers down your throat, and upchuck a bile filled load of undigested pork into the envelope. Then send it express mail with delivery confirmation so you know it gets there while it is still moist.

Dear Matt:

When I'm on a date, I never know if I should reach for my purse once the check comes. I know we live in a time when women are supposed to be liberated, but I still think when a man takes a girl out he should pay. What do you think?

A Curious Lady

Curious:

Although your date will most likely pick up the check, you should still offer to split it with him. You are showing your date that you understand the zeitgeist of this modern age: women are no longer to be protected from reality. Things cost money, and you'll show that you understand this, and that you understand the value of money. Most importantly, you'll show him that you know what it takes to be independent in society.

Just the other day, I gave an 11 year old girl at a baseball game a similar lesson. She thought that because she was young kid enjoying a sporting event with her dad, she wouldn't be intentionally vomited on. I showed her! That's a girl who will understand what it's like in the real world!


Hey Clemmens:

I'm pretty sure this bitch that I work with at the Stop and Shop scratched my car door. I'm pretty sure it's her because she always parks next to me and she's old and senile and she'd probably do something like that and not even notice or leave a note or anything. How should I get revenge?

Pissed off in PA

Pissed:

I will quote Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel here. "You really can't dust for vomit." Eat a shitload of Cheetos, drink a case of beer, stick your fingers down your throat, and give her driver side door a paint job she'll never forget. Not only will you exact your revenge, but if you're not caught in the act, it will be near impossible to prove that it is your vomit. Even though you get an employee discount at The Stop and Shop, you should buy the Cheetos in the next town over.

57 comments:

Marls said...

No way that guy is from Philly...all the words are spelled correctly and none of the are "fuck", "cheesesteak", or "Eagles". I call BS.

TJ said...

In the immortal words of NBA Jam, "HE'S ON FIRE".

Dave said...

my wife is out, ian is taking a nap, and alex is making paper airplanes.

if this happened every day i'd write a novel.

Mark said...

I took a nap today too. They are so very underrated.

Also, I don't think there's s single guy on the Cavs who I like . Except maybe Delonte West.

Mark said...

Brandon Jennings has single handedly dragged Milwaukee back into this game against Atlanta.

32 points already on 12-20 shooting.

rob said...

so the caps' coronation's not going as planned, eh?

Geoff said...

This Caps team is as highly entertaining as it is flaky. Awesome stuff at Verizon tonight.

Geoff said...

This game is unreal. Caps tie it up 5-5 with a minute left.

rob said...

steven tyler sighting at the celtics game. that's...incongruous.

rob said...

and the caps game was borderline absurd.

TJ said...

As is this Mets/Cards game in the 18th inning...

mayhugh said...

Mark, I'm trying to understand how you've put put with ~80 games with Jermaine this year. I stopped watching in the third quarter but his first half was godawful.

Mark said...

I'm a Magic guy Mayhugh. I grew up an hour from Orlando. I don't have to deal with Jermaine's corpse settling for fadeaways and grabbing 6 boards a game.

rob said...

large infant!

TJ said...

We're going to the 19th.

Mark said...

And TJs right. The Cards game is beyond ridiculous.

rob said...

the mets should be relegated to aaa if they can't score on the cards' position players.

Mark said...

Mayhugh-- you going to watch the Pavlik fight?

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark said...

Yadier Molina. Killing Mets fans since 2006.

rob said...

nats, pirates both over .500. kiss your loved ones.

Marls said...

Mark - from the Mets Township...fuck you. I would puke on you if I was from Philly.

rob said...

mets/cards has gone plaid

TR said...

20 innings of McCarver is cruel and unusual punishment. This stupid game is now cutting into my Wanda Sykes Show time.

At least it's slowly turning into a barnburner. Will be fun to see Pelfrey blow it in bottom of the 20th.

TR said...

Cards refuse to go gently into that good night...

TR said...

413 minute ball game. No joke.

Marls said...

Mets win despite best efforts.

As for the time of game, I love that the coments are coming from fans of the two teams so fond of giving us 5 hour 9 inning games. If yanks/red sox went 20 innings it would have taken 11 hours and only ended after Elijah came down from heaven above and escorted jeter to the great beyond.

Mark said...

Hey Marls :)!

I didn't/don't know much about Martinez but he's giving Pavlik a run. Between that fight and MMA on tv2 there's a lot of hand to hand combat in my living room.

Mark said...

Mayhugh-- thank me again for reminding you about this fight.

Kelly Pavlik's face is a fucking mess.

rob said...

miami vice finale on centric. get some.

mayhugh said...

No shit. Did Pavlik get cut during the opening instructions? That was enjoyable; Pavlik soldiering through a really bad break and Martinez not shying away in the later rounds.

mayhugh said...

And boxing is followed by Mayweather Mosley 24-7? Okay, I'll stay up another half hour.

Igor said...

And Miami Vice is being followed by Soul Train on Centric channel. More reason to stay up late.

I think we just had a Matty Clemmens sighting on Soul Train!
No, not really.

Greg said...

Now that's Igor!!!

Igor said...

Soul Train is unbelievably awesome. One cat has a tux shirt and tie, white stretch pants, white gloves, red headband, killer moves. And there is more pleather than I've ever seen.

Igor said...

It's on. I am Season Pass TiVoing Soul Train. And buying an eighth.

Ray Parker Jr. is on, lip synching his other song that charted before Ghostbusters. He doesn't know the words. Don Cornelius is inteviewing him now in the ultra smooth way only he can. Just called Ray a "hot guy" and ngs was implied.

...And it's 1981. Matt Clemmens wasn't even a glint in his juvy-dwelling, puppy torturing daddy's blackened eye.

IGOR!!

Igor said...

The Soul Train Scramble! Two guest dansers had 60 seconds (an exerpt from a pre-1999 Prince song) to unscramble a famous athlete's name. I figured it out right away: Ralph Sampson. This just keeps getting better.

mayhugh said...

Quick easy trivia. Which NFL team has the fewest draft picks going into Thursday night?

I am openly rooting for Mayweather's boxing demise. The guy's personality is beyond grating at this point (as depicted in 24-7 anyway). Although I did get a kick out of his 6 year old protege, whom I believe Floyd referred to as "Cash Flow." That kid had, as we used to say, some quicks.

Marls said...

Hi Mark!

Mark said...

I agree Mayhugh. Cash Flow was awesome. Kid could take Rob, they are about the same size, after all.

Greg said...

Seattle-LA would be drastically more compelling than "LA-Oklahoma City"

TJ said...

Mark, what do you think of Artest' hair color choice?

Mark said...

I like it. I read that he and DJ Mbenga both dyed their hair. Mbenga had to have emergency eye surgery though so we don't get to see his which, considering the guy, would've been more interesting to me,

TJ said...

Russell Westbrook has figured out he can do whatever he wants on the floor right now.

TJ said...

Is that William Bottomtooth talking to Jack?

TJ said...

I like what I'm seeing in the Thunder entering the 4th only down six, since Westbrook is the only guy who showed up for the third quarter. Mr. Durant, we'd like to see you in the 4th please.

zman said...

Dave recently reviewed "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and this motivated me to see the movie which is in Swedish with English subtitles so it's almost as if I read the book, and afterwards I decided that Sweden is really fucked up and I'm never going there.

mayhugh said...

There's a fair bit of energy early in the ORL-CHA game. High tempo, lots of movement and cuts. I think I might be able to get into this.

mayhugh said...

It seems once a year I turn on basketball and I see a really athletic guy flying all over the place and I think to myself "who IS that!" Then he gets whistled for a technical and I say "Oh, it's Steven Jackson."

Mark said...

It's a minute into the 2nd quarter and Dwight Howard has 7 blocks. Yes, 7.

Mark said...

Well played, Mayhugh. Capt. Jack is always entertaining.

Dave said...

i just read a couple more swedish crime stories-- these by henning mankell. scary stuff-- i think people get a bit crazy up there in the winter due to lack of sunlight.

Igor said...

Matt Clemmens -- also crazy and, from the looks of things, also suffering from a lack of sunlight. Swedish? Full circle.

IGOR!!

(Actually, I'm really looking forward to whatever gets posted next, just so I don't have tyo see that awful mugshot any more.)

Igor said...

And speaking of Steve Holt, it seems that the Arrested Development movie may not happen after all, at least according to Mrs. Featherbottom. A pity.

mayhugh said...

So, I went to the store and Orlando was up by 23 or something. What happened? And Dwight Howard has 5 fouls?

mayhugh said...

And it looks like they've stopped playing basketball and it's turn more into some form of wrestling.

zman said...

Max Baer vs. Primo Carnera on MSG. Carnera is immense. Or he was. He's probably a lot smaller now.