Food is Dumb. Or Is It?

We've seen some things around here, my friends, gustatorially speaking. We've eaten the KFC Double Down. We've chowed our way around multiple state fairs. We've tried (and enjoyed) pizza-flavored vodka.

The G:TB Taste Team has been handed another challenge, should we choose to accept it. 

Pringles are great, though not part of my regular rotation these days. Don't eat a lot of chips of any provenance, really. And I do love a dill pickle - I eat at least one a day. I can take or leave vodka.

All of which makes me mildly curious about Sugarlands Distilling's new Pringles Dill Pickle Potato Vodka.

Here's the product description from InternetWines.com, where you can purchase a 750 mL bottle for $21.99 (or could, before it sold out):

"Sugarlands Distilling took the briny bite of Pringles Dill Pickle Potato Crisps and turned it into a spirit that's tart, savory, and unapologetically bold. Think sharp vinegar, crisp dill, and a salty potato twist all in a pour that packs a serious punch.

Pop the top, pour a shot and let the flavor speak for itself. Perfect for picklebacks, martinis, or any cocktail that needs a little snap. Embrace the brine."

I can see the concept here. Little brininess adds something to a lot of different drinks. Color me curious.

Gheorghe Does Foodstuffs, Disgusting Version

When I first read the headline of this story, I assumed it was April 1st. It was not. Try to comprehend this without vomiting:

"Great Wolf Lodge debuts Ranch Milkshake topped with carrots, celery and chicken nuggets"

I wouldn't even subject Marls to that monstrosity, which apparently is an actual thing. According to a spokesman for Great Wolf Lodge who wouldn't identify himself (we know it's a dude because women have more common sense than to allow themselves to be associated with fuckery of this nature),  “The shake starts with a vanilla ice cream base, so it’s still sweet and creamy, while the ranch adds a tangy twist that creates a surprisingly delicious combination."

To which we say, just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it.

Serving the Public...Drinks

One week ago today, our ongoing investigation into odd food shit led us to ISCO Spirits' Pizza Vodka. I suggested that the next of us to visit Providence, RI should pick up a bottle or three for sampling purposes.

A few hours after that post dropped, our man Marls texted me a picture of a receipt - that lunatic went out and ordered a bottle. And so our investigation began. 

I had a nice block of Parmesan cheese in my fridge, and went to the market and purchased a jar of pepperoncini. Marls commenced to making tomato water - tastes like summer. My wife bought new glassware - any excuse to buy stuff. All we needed was an occasion. Turns out we'd already made plans to have dinner because FOG:TB Cricket was in town, and the stars aligned Friday evening.

We tried two of the recipes from ISCO's website: the Caprese Martini, and the Italian Stallion shot. Here's Marls pouring the former:

The Caprese Martini includes the aforementioned tomato water and a couple of dashes of balsamic vinegar. Which gave us an excellent excuse to break out the vinegar my wife and I bought at Poggio ai Laghi, a winery in Monteriggiano, Italy we visited in December. It's spectacular. 

I digress.

Marls garnished the martinis with some seasoned mozzarella balls and served us. The verdict: a darn tasty savory sip, with notes of oregano and a bit of a briny flavor. Even a non-vodka fan like me enjoyed it.

We finished our pre-dinner tasting with a shot. The Italian Stallion is simple. It's a shot of pizza vodka. The accoutrements make the drink. Start by loading your hand with grated Parm, in the manner of salt for a tequila shot. Make sure you've got a pepperoncini close at hand. Eat the cheese, down the shot, eat the pepperoncini. It's a pretty cool combination - the spicy little pepper makes it.

So in the final analysis, this particular Food is Dumb episode ends with a nod to the purveyor. Well done, ISCO - we'll see you again.

Food Back On Its Bullshit?

I don't know why this topic has taken up so much of my blog-related mental space of late, but the universe really seems to be tilting gustatorily at the moment. This one's a doozy.

Rhode Island-based ISCO Spirits has an inventive portfolio and a sustainable mission. As the distiller says on its website, "Our spirits are fiercely unique, land-and-ocean-inspired and handcrafted." Their Seaflow Ocean Gin is made with local seaweed and oysters in addition to the juniper you might expect. They offer an everything bagel aquavit, for chrissakes.

Those tempting tipples have nothing on their newest limited release. Friends, I give you ISCO Pizza Vodka. It's made with 100% organic wheat, tomatoes, pizza spices, and fresh, gooey mozzarella cheese. Bloomberg spirits columnist Kara Newman tasted it, and came away impressed, saying "It didn’t disappoint: The clear liquid has a big, tomato-y scent and oregano-forward flavor and a mouthwatering, garlicky exhale. (Seriously; keep a breath mint in your back pocket.) Put all together, it really does taste uncannily like a saucy slice."

The good folks at ISCO, who I now want to hang out with, offer some cocktail ideas for what they claim is the world's first pizza vodka. Again from their website, "From Italian Stallion Shots (like a tequila shot with all Italian ingredients), to Pizza Luges, to upscale savory Caprese martinis and clarified Hawaiian Milk Punches, Pizza Vodka can be dressed. up or down just like the versatile food on which it is based. Perfect for dive bars to Michelin stars and everything in between!"

Indeed, the Italian Stallion sounds delicious: Pour 1 oz. of Pizza Vodka into a shot glass, wet your hand as you might for salt in a tequila shot, shake shredded Parmesan cheese on your hand, lick the cheese, drink the shot, chase with a pepperoncini. I'm not a vodka fan, but that might change things for me.

Whoever gets to Providence next, grab a couple bottles. At $30, they're a bargain. Salud!

Food is...Getting Smarter?

In which we both appreciate a blessed snack combination and an authentic American personality.

Mike Golic Junior faced at least mild criticism early in his career owing to his Nepo Baby path to prominence at ESPN. His father is beloved by many as a happy go lucky fat defensive lineman turned svelte radio and television personality. Junior unquestionably benefited from his dad's notoriety as one half of the legendary Mike & Mike morning show, making some of his first public appearances on the program.

But if Junior was all nepo, he'd have faded away over time. Instead, he's become a unique and talented voice, capable of breaking down offensive line play (he played at Notre Dame before being waived by the Pittsburgh Steelers in camp) and Taylor Swift lyrics with equal authority. He can do professional color commentary on a college football game and poke fun of himself with aplomb. He's made a point of supporting female broadcasters like Jessica Smetana and Chiney Ogwumike. He says shit like this, "There are always two different ways to go about everything - you're either so talented that people can't deny it, or you're willing to come in, work, and be a great teammate. I always thought, let me make sure I leave everyone I work with as best as I can." 

And more directly relevant to this post, he's an unabashed lover of food, especially gooey, greasy, snacky stuff. 

Recently, he dropped this review:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Mike Golic Jr. (@mikegolicjr)

I think he'd be fun at a G:TB summit.

EMERGENCY FOOD IS DUMB UPDATE!!!

Apparently a conflagration of ketchup and fruit isn't enough for some folks. It seems, in fact, that some people just wanna watch the world burn, or possibly just feed us.

A good number of those kind of people work for Pabst and Campbell's, who just issued a joint press release entitled "Campbell's® Chunky® and Pabst Blue Ribbon Invite Fans to "Crack Open a Warm One" with New Collaboration". 

As always, we cut and paste so you don't have to. Here's what they're on about:

Just in time for soup season, the two new varieties will be available exclusively at Walmart starting this month:

Campbell's Chunky x Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer Cheese with Potatoes & Chorizo Soup is packed with savory chorizo sausage and hearty potatoes simmered in creamy cheese infused with Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer flavor. Pair it with a soft pretzel, serve it in a bread bowl, or top it with extra shredded cheese.

Campbell's Chunky x Pabst Blue Ribbon Beef, Bacon & Beer Chili with Beans is the perfect addition to brisk fall days and features seasoned beef, hearty beans and smoky bacon, all infused with Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer flavor. Enjoy it straight from the can, load up a hot dog or drizzle it on top of nachos.

That's...that's so crazy that it just might work. As Ryan Pawling, Senior Brand Manager, Campbell's Chunky, says, "Our fans love bold, unexpected taste experiences, and pairing Chunky's hearty recipes with the iconic, malty flavor of PBR brings something totally unique to the soup aisle."

If you're in Manhattan on Thursday, stop by Ray's Bar for a dive bar takeover, complete with free PBR to pair with the soup, and exclusive merch. And report back on how the soups taste, obvs.

Food is Dumb

We are nothing if not an easily distracted people. Witness...waves hands...everything. Now comes news from two different sources of wild foodstuffs designed - obviously - to take our minds off of the monstrous fuckery loosed upon the world.

First, the folks that used to be wisely guided by Dave Thomas' avuncular approach have gone off the rails. Wendy's recently released the Takis Fuego Chicken sandwich. For the initiated, Takis are a rolled tortilla snack designed to resemble mini taquitos. They come in a number of flavors, but Fuego is the most popular - who can resist a well-balanced hot chili pepper and lime flavor profile? Full disclosure, I think they're pretty tasty.

Lindsay Radkoski, Wendy's U.S. Chief Marketing Officer tells us, "At Wendy's, we know how to keep things spicy, and we love serving up fresh, famous collaborations that tap into consumers passion points, which made this partnership with Takis a no brainer. By joining forces with such an iconic and beloved snacking brand, we're turning up the heat and flavor in a way only Wendy's can!"

Heat and flavor, noted Wendy's attributes, natch. To be honest, I'd try it.

Which is not something I can say about our other featured food item.

Heinz (the ketchup people - that Heinz) and Smoothie King have teamed up to release the Heinz Tomato Ketchup Smoothie. I just threw up in my mouth. According to the linked article from delish, "The deep red drink blends açai sorbet, fresh apple juice, ripe strawberries, tart raspberries, and a not-so-subtle dash of Heinz ketchup."

Threw up again.

That sounds so disgusting that I wouldn't even ask Marls to try it, and Marls never backs down from a gustatory challenge.

We'll keep our eyes open for other delicious mashups/assaults on society, so please be sure to check back at regular intervals. Which is not something you'll have if you drink that Heinz monstrosity.

Dr. ToeThumb or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Quesarito

Two weeks ago our own tiny dictator called me, and others in the G:TB family, out for not stepping up to the plate (pun intended), seeking out, and downing the mythical, off-menu Chipotle "quesarito". For the uninformed, a quesarito is a burrito that uses a quesadilla as a wrap.   After an initial demurrer, my "toe-thumb" and I decided that if we could take on the KFC Double Down or two grease truck sandwiches, we could rise to the quesarito challenge.

One fake mustache, one real mustache, one guy filled with sandwiches.

The quesarito has received a bunch of interest lately, much of it prompted by the "Fast Company" article linked by Rob.  The article, while focusing on the quesarito, is actually a larger discussion of "secret menu" items at various fast food restaurants.  According to various sources, including this Ranker list, Chipotle has six secret menu items.  Most of the items, like the single taco and fresh cilantro don't seem all that secret.  The only ones that really stand out as secret are the quesadilla and the quesarito, mainly because they are tough to make using the standard Chipotle line equipment.      

Since the quesarito requires additional time to make, most sources recommend going outside of normal dining hours.  Last Tuesday, a 2:30 PM trek to the nearest Chipotle in midtown Manhattan was aborted because there was still a long line.  Undaunted, after enlisting the support of my co-worker Teresa, we headed off to a Thursday 3PM date with destiny.  When we arrived, Chipotle was almost empty and the line was staffed by only two people.  The only thing now was to order the beast.

When discussing this mission with Mrs. Marls, she inquired whether there was some Larry Craig-esque toe tapping signal, which, instead of leading to illicit airport sex, would grant access to the cheesy delights of the Chipotle secret menu.  Alas, there is not toe tapping or "wide stance"required.  All that is needed is finding a bored group of Chipotle workers, a little patience, and a willingness to look like an unbridled glutton.   Luckily, we had all three.

The person who took our order had no idea what a quesarito was but offered to make us a quesadilla.   While this was not what we wanted, it was the opening we needed.  Clearly this guy had a willingness to go into the clandestine world of off-menu mexican fast food.  From there it only took a little explaining to coax a quesarito out of him.   In fact, after he finished wrapping it up, he advised that he was going to make himself one for lunch.

At this point, the only thing left was to sit back and enjoy.

Note the toe-thumb and oozing cheesy goodness

It is so choice.  If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

I have seen the future, and it is not the Double Down.

[This post was sent to me at 3:58pm yesterday afternoon. G:TB Special Correspondent Marls, for reasons only known to him and his imam, chose to sacrifice his body for the greater good and eat a KFC Double Down sandwich. His tale is below.]

By the grace of God and my convoluted work schedule, today was the perfect day to try the mythical bunless wonder. After getting to the office at 5:30 this morning in order to get some work done, around 11 I journeyed up to the House that Jeter Built for a client event. After several morning/early afternoon beers at Stans and a random discussion with the Z-Man's sister, it was time to head to Penn station for my 3 pm train to DC. I arrived several minutes early, just in time to grab a quick bite. But what to get? Then, like a beacon in the night, the Tim Hortons/Taco Bell/KFC combo counter called out to me. After waiting in line for 15 min, I was awarded my prize. Two pieces of the Harland Sanders' chicken sandwiching two strips of bacon, a slice of jack cheese, and KFC special sauce. I not have been more let down since realizing that Mrs. Paci did not actually make those beans. Here is why...

1. Appearance: Not that fast food ever does, but this thing doesn't look like the sandwich in the commercial at all. The chicken is irregular shaped and the fixins are squishing out all over. Basically, it looks like a pile of crap. A pile of crap that you are expected to eat. Not a good start.

2. Taste: This is where I expected the DD to shine. Released from the shackles of the bun, I expected the chicken, the cheese, the bacon, the sauce, and the 11 herbs and spices to shine through, to explode into one's mouth Peter North style. Nope. Tastes like some chicken with bacon and cheese. The sauce is ok, but the whole thing was still rather dry. The Col. found a way to make bones almost edible and popcorn style chicken, but somehow they can't keep this pile of fat and goo moist. I just don't understand.

3. Eatability: Trying to eat this thing is a flat out shitshow. The neat little package shown on TV becomes an oozing, greasy mess in reality. It turns out that the Earl of Sandwich really knew what the fuck he was talking about when he put meat et al. between two slices of bread. The bun serves a purpose folks. It allows us to eat messy foods while not looking like half starved Neanderthals. In this one moment I realized what a perfect and under appreciated delivery system the bun is. The little paper condom that KFC gives you to hold this thing is useless. In the end, you are left holding the greasy, half eaten remains of a chicken cutlet. Not good times.

Clearly, you can see I am not a fan. However, this may need to be something every man & Shlara experience for themselves. Just remember, bread is not the enemy, it is a long overlooked friend that may be full of calories, but is around when you need them...kinda like Swint.