Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ask the Dungeonmaster

G:TB presents the first in a series of advice columns from lesser known fonts of wisdom.

Dear Dungeonmaster, Most Esteemed Lord of Sorcery and Probability, Controller of Fates, Manipulator of Space-Time:

I humbly seek your opinion. My alma mater has adopted a new mascot, a most fearsome and terrible beast, a monster stitched together from the leftover pieces of the most violent and predatory of animals. The griffin! I ask You That Knows All, what is the best way to attack and defeat a griffin?

A 12th Level Archer from Jersey

Adult griffins have between 75 and 200 hit points. They are extremely maneuverable and have low encumbrance, so I would not recommend attempting to load and fire your crossbow. You will be eviscerated before you load the bolt. If you have high charisma, you might be able to approach the beast, and once you have gained its trust, I would recommend using a mace or vorpal sword to inflict as much damage as possible. If you have Elvish blood, you might be able to tame a young one and eventually ride it into battle.

Dear Dungeonmaster, Master of Fate and Dice, Lord of All Things:

Night after night, my wife has been working late on a project at her office. When she gets home, she has neither the time nor the inclination to polish my weapon. Her boss is a handsome man and he has a reputation as a lady-killer, but I can't prove anything. How should I proceed?

A 4th Level Druid

I need more information here. Is your wife's boss a dwarf or half-blood? Dwarfs are notoriously randy and half-bloods have no conscience. If you must assume the worst, then-- similar to the method I detailed above-- approach him cautiously and politely, and then suddenly accuse him of cuckolding you. If he seems guilty, if he furrows his brow or fingers a charm that he wears around his neck, then I recommend inflicting damage with a mace or vorpal sword. A white collar office worker has between 20 and 40 hit points. You will probably have to inflict two blows with the mace, unless you roll an 18,19, or 20. The vorpal sword may work with one blow, but they are harder to get through security. A rock duct-taped to a stick will work if you cannot procure any other weapon.

Dear Dungeonmaster, Knower of Stuff:

I lost my job last year and my health benefits have just recently expired. I didn't have the money to get on the COBRA continuation health plan, and now I have an unsightly wart growing on the side of my head and I don't have the cash to get it removed. I have tried a variety of spells and charms, to no avail, and I haven't been able to find a paladin to lay hands on me. I'm really at my wits end. What should I do?

Bob in Cincinnati

Bob, if you cannot call a succubus to come to you in the night and then convince her to drain the fluid, I recommend getting a trustworthy friend to hit the wart with a spiked mace. Once the fluid has suppurated, use a vorpal sword to cut the remainder of the infected flesh from your head.

Dear Dungeonmaster:

I was recently at a ball game with my daughter, and someone maliciously vomited on her. Would I be justified in a court of law if I bludgeoned him with my mace and then stabbed him through the skull with my vorpal sword?

Angry in PA

Bludgeon away! If your conscience bothers you, pay a visit to your local cleric.


rob said...

this is gonna confuse a lot of philadelphians.

TJ said...

As a Level 6.9 Dokken I find this entire post invalid.

zman said...

I cast my magic missle. No one was interested though.

Dave said...

i think my next one in this series will be"ask a cannibal."

any other suggestions?

TJ said...

Ask a Mason


Ask Jackie Mason

TJ said...

Gormley, this vorpal sword sounds pretty important and valuable. See what you can find for us on your next internet shopping trip.

Dave said...

i kind of like "ask a mason," but maybe he's a mason and a mason, so all his advice centers around walling up secrets with bricks. and if he's jackie mason as well then he can curse about his family a lot.

zman said...

How about "Ask an English teacher?"

Marls said...

Ask a Philadelphian.

zman said...

Ask an emetophiliac? Or an emetomaniac?

TJ said...

Point, Marls.

TJ said...

Ask a Bushman

Marls said...

Is that a guy who lives in the Australian bush, voted for George Bush, or has a hairy bush fetish?

TJ said...

I felt we'd leave that up to Dave.

rob said...

if we did 'ask dave' and he answered as himself, we'd have something. except that he'd likely lose his job.