Tuesday, April 06, 2010

G:TB Circus Peanuts Diorama Contest

In response to the Washington Post's Peeps Diorama Contest-- a contest which encourages people to buy and use trademarked Peeps brand sugar candy, and creates a windfall for Bethlehem, PA candy company Just Born . . . believe me, I am investigating the connections here and I am certain that there is some breach of media ethics, some sort of corruption, some evil marketing ploy in the one institution that is supposed to remain separate and unbiased, and as soon as I uncover something, you will be the first to know. But in the meantime . . .

G:TB would like to present a diorama contest for the people . . . with the People's Candy, the American People's Candy. A candy that has been made in America since the mid-1800's. A candy, that-- if you so desired-- you could go ahead and make right in your own kitchen, and then sell it-- because it is not copyrighted or trademarked. A candy which no one will admit to eating, no one will admit to liking, but which defies this sentiment to to the tune of four million consumed pounds a year . . . and that's just the amount Spangler makes. That's not even including Brach's and Farley's! I am talking, of course, about the absolutely incredible, completely inedible Circus Peanut.

I could wax poetically for pages about the color, the texture, and the flavor of this most American treat, but it all boils down to this: circus peanuts barely pass as a food product. Their texture, when fresh, is that of congealed shaving foam, and once stale, a hard plastic shell forms around their dissolving guts. They taste like rotten bananas sprayed with Clorox. There is no name for the color (Agent Orange?) so you'll have to refer to the picture. If you need more history, there is far too much of it here.

The rules for G:TB First Annual Circus Peanut Diorama Contest are as follows: 1) while making the diorama, you must be under the influence of at least ONE circus peanut. I ate two. 2) No Peeps allowed.

Send your entries to greasetruck@gmail.com. I will judge the entries while under the influence of a stale circus peanut. Here is my entry. I call it "P-Day." I expect at least one entry entitled "Peanut Envy."

The grand prize for the winner is that you will never have to eat another circus peanut as long as you live. Runner-ups will receive a life-time supply of circus peanuts.

14 comments:

rob said...

this is brilliant. and we need to work on your post timing.

Igor said...

In case we weren't done discussing the College's imbecilic mascot choice, I came up with one tiny bit of silver lining...

This afternoon, our fraternity crony Otis faced the terrible task of laying his father to rest -- and his pop was an old-fashioned, beer-drinkin', truly Gheorgian good guy. Otis could use a reason to smile today, and maybe, just maybe this gives him one, since his youngest son -- the one who takes after his late father the most -- is named Griffin.

That's all I can come up with to bright-side this choice.

zman said...

I emailed a co-worker and former Tribe rugger with "griffin?" in the subject and a link to the W&M announcement. His entire reply: "Bad"

TJ said...

Well, can we milk the Peter, Brian, Meg, Stewie, Lois Griffin angle for at least a few jokes?

TJ said...

Um, is this New Moniker Tuesday?

TJ said...

And Dave, you might as well just give me first place now. I've got the best circus peanut diorama in the history of ever.

But I have no camera.

rob said...

i particularly enjoy the special effects dave employed on 'p-day'.

i'm working on a pornographic circus peanut representation of charlie brown and lucy. it's pretty meta.

zman said...

TJ's new moniker is "Baby Peanitz."

Dave said...

tj-- just draw your entry. sorry about the timing, i was so excited after i took my photo this evening, that i had to post it. i hope someone makes another diorama-- i really want to post the winner. i was shocked that our rite-aid even stocked them.

rob said...

i know i'm telling you all something you already know, but uconn's down 8 at the half

rob said...

is that sriracha as blood?

Dan said...

for what it's worth, i kind of like the look of the griffin.
i forget what the wren looked like, and as usual, am not going to spend the time looking for it. the production showcasing the new mascot is entertaining to say the least, but not in a good way.

rob said...

i'm a bit of a sriracha expert.

zman said...

First webkinz, then sriracha - I'll soon be a Scrabble stud thanks to rob and his words of the day.