Friday, April 16, 2010

Matthew Clemmens, You are the Bama of the Week

The next time one of your pals who is a Flyers or Phillies or Eagles or Sixers fan tries to claim that Philadelphia fans aren't the worst fucking people on the face of the planet, please bring up the story of this mouth breather.
Police arrested a Cherry Hill man after he was accused of intentionally vomiting on a young girl at the Phillies game Wednesday evening.
You read that correctly folks. This slack-jawed troglodyte INTENTIONALLY vomited on a 11 year old girl.
"I actually heard the individual behind me say, 'I'm gonna get sick', then I couldn't believe what I saw. He actually had his fingers down his mouth and into his throat to make himself vomit. He vomited and lurched forward and it was hitting my daughter," Vangelo explained.
Was there any doubt he'd look like Chunk from Goonies? The shiner is a nice touch Matt.

84 comments:

TJ said...

I see Deadspin and I had the same thought this morning.

TR said...

The thought that you wanted to vomit?

TJ said...

The thought that Mr. Clemmens is a piece of shit.

Igor said...

Was it the 11 year old girl who dotted his eye? Hope so.

zman said...

Moral of the story - if you're going to purposely vomit on a little girl make sure her dad isn't a cop before you do so.

TR said...

On a related them, I finally saw 2 girls, 1 cup, thanks to Limewire.

It was quickly deleted.

Dave said...

you can't really dust for vomit-- nigel tufnel.


what was the motive for the malicious vomit?

rob said...

uncw hires buzz peterson. did not see that coming out of their coaching clusterfuck.

TJ said...

Michael Jordan's roomie?

Andrew said...

Yes, this guy is scum of the Earth. But you are an ignorant twit who hears stories and assumes the are valid. Hey douchebag...this kind of thing happens daily at the Yankees games...The difference is, because it is so regular, it is not newsworthy. At a Yankees game last year, adrunk to my right threw up all over the family in front of him and his friends threatened to beat up the father if if called an usher. I finally got them ejected when they said they wanted to rape my girlfriend.

TJ said...

Hi Andrew! Good to have you aboard.

TJ said...

Just to clarify, this news article about an actual event taking place, in what I can only assume is your hometown of Philadelphia, is merely a made-up "story" and I would be an "ignorant twit" to find it "valid"?

jillianwk said...

he was puking on them cause the dad was a cop and cops suck- makes perfect sense to me

TJ said...

Ted Ginn just got dealt to the 49ers.

http://www.ehow.com/members/stevemar2-articles.html said...

Matthew Clemmens is a disgusting, sick jerk! Lock him up for this!

Dan said...

where'd all these philly fans come from?

TR said...

Just got back from a lunch run. Grabbed my 12" Subway sammy, but couldn't find any pigs to puke on while I was out. Bummer.

Dan said...

matthew looks like more of a "Pat" to me...are we sure he's a he?

TJ said...

I think the use of Mr. Clemmens first name in the post title has led to an unexpected surge in site traffic...an eclectic surge to say the least so far.

zman said...

Andrew said:

"Yes, this guy is scum of the Earth. But you are an ignorant twit who hears stories and assumes the are valid. Hey douchebag...this kind of thing happens daily at the Yankees games...The difference is, because it is so regular, it is not newsworthy."

How does this assertion affect the validity of the story? If anything it lends credence to its veracity - battery by reverse peristalsis is a common event at baseball games. So common, in fact, that it isn't reported. Like eating peanuts and crackerjack.

Bring your logic A-game to G:TB. Tortured reasoning and rambling nonsense is fine. But angry confrontational nonsense doesn't fly.

Andrew said...

"The next time one of your pals who is a Flyers or Phillies or Eagles or Sixers fan tries to claim that Philadelphia fans aren't the worst fucking people on the face of the planet".
I was responding to the "stories" that feed your crass generalization above. That makes you an ignorant for causing more hatred and feeding this type of behavior. The moron that did this is an exception...a typical white trash 21 yr old who thinks "this" is fun. As a season ticket holder, I am fully aware that the story was true. I pointed out to you that it would not be newsworthy in a place like NY, as this nonsesne happens daily in Yankee stadium. Do your research.
Yes, I am in Philadelphia and have lived in 7 cities around the world, including NY. I have been to soccer games in 32 countries, so I think I have a decent foundation to speak from.

rob said...

i think andrew may have missed the mission statement. he also may think he's arguing with people that care.

rob said...

and teejay, he's right about the research thing. i've been meaning to talk to you about that. your standards have been slipping in that department.

TJ said...

rob, you're docking my pay for this?

BULLSHIT MAN

zman said...

I get it now. People vomit on each other all the time in NY, and we have proof of this because it isn't reported anywhere. That makes sense.

rob said...

yeah, igor needs to pay for a tattoo removal. gotta find the money somewhere.

rob said...

i vomited on people once, but it was in norfolk. and i'm pretty sure it went unreported.

TJ said...

Andrew, in this day and age of the internet and 24/7 news cycle you actually think if a Yankees fan or any other fan intentionally vomited on an 11 year old we wouldn't hear about it? But wait, it wasn't any other fan was it...nope. It was a Phillies fan. Too bad he didn't have some D batteries to toss at toddlers as his carcass was being dragged away, right?

TR said...

Does this mean we're pushing back the launch of the G:TB Philadelphia web site?

Andrew said...

and what exactly, would be the "lofty" mission statement of a blog covering this? I merely pointed out that geographic stereo-types are dangerous and tend to spur people looking for that type of behavior.

TR said...

The Teej, of all people, takes the bait. I wouldn't have expected that. I would've voted for myself, Mark or the Z-Man.

rob said...

did andrew just call me short?

TR said...

Gheorghe: The Blog.

Dedicated to the premise that life would be better if we all took ourselves a little less seriously.

TJ said...

I did take the bait...just 'cause I had a few business pops at lunch. I should be better than that.

Now back to our regularly scheduled nattering...

TJ said...

I have puked on dates...more than once. And I don't mean I puked while OUT on a date, I mean I heaved on the poor lass herself.

Dan said...

this makes for an exciting friday afternoon.

Dan said...

and patton oswalt went to W&M? how 'bout them apples.

Andrew said...

TJ..yes, I am saying that. I, and several others, were witness to it in Yankee stadium last year and it went unreported. Some idiot pukes on someone, threatens those around him and gets taken away by police, in one of the largest cities in the world...and it doesn't get reported in the paper or on the web??? Shocking!

TJ said...

Dan, what will be your afternoon cocktail of choice today? I'm thinking Mint Julep as you prepare yourself for the Derby.

rob said...

can someone cut and paste the comment about dan living in the 20th century from a few days ago? i'm too lazy to come up with a new version of that thought.

TR said...

Philthy fans vs. Yankee fans is a dumb argument. Philhty fans vs. Jets fans is a more compelling debate.

TR said...

Another compelling debate: Guessing Andrew's last name. I'm going with Ridgeley. Or Shue.

TJ said...

I assume Dan just spends his afternoons with Merlin Olsen and Michael Landon out on the prairie.

TJ said...

I was leaning towards "Dice Clay".

Dennis said...

I vomited in my bathroom this past Saturday night after having 12-14 too many pops; early the following morning my 3 year old sat on the toilet only to discover some of daddy's half digested pizza chunks from the night before stuck to his bottom. My wife told me I was an asshole then punched me in the face, giving me a black eye. And yep, you guessed it, she's from Philly. Andrew, that you can look that up.

Geoff said...

I was at that Yankee game Andrew mentions and I can corroborate his story. Truly horrifying and completely exonerates the city of Philadelphia from all previous transgressions. Brilliant and compelling case made there. Its like Andrews like to say: "Both Philadelphia and the horrific case of anal warts that I have both get a bad rap."

Dan said...

tj - i'm pretty whipped - just returned from a trip to beautiful pittsburgh, with another trip that takes me out all of next week (a little nicer this next one) probably just a guinness or two to get my nutrient intake up to par - a strenuous wkd follows.

rob said...

geoff got going a little bit too fast there at the end.

TJ said...

"tj - i'm pretty whipped - just returned from a trip to beautiful pittsburgh"

You ran into Big Ben?

Geoff said...

Yeah, I'm not firing on many cylinders today. But you got the gist.

rob said...

danny, you coming home for the bloom? val kilmer as grand marshal is a huge deal.

zman said...

I suspect Andrew's last name is Clemmens. Or Koenig.

Geoff said...

I just witnessed a conversation between Megyn Kendall and John Stossel regarding how he received significantly more attention from women once he grew a mustache. That was pretty awesome.

zman said...

John Stossel wants attention from women?

Dan said...

rob - bloom in a couple of weeks- always the same wkd as derby...unfortunately, will not be attending but that doesn't mean you can't. the val kilmer addition is tieeeght!
bennie boy isn't allowed outside of his house up there in stillerville

TJ said...

John Stossel is the man.

But the real question is - did he puke on Ms. Kendall when the chat was over?

Geoff said...

Yes zman, he wants that, as well as lower taxes, less government regulation and a first hand look at the president's birth certificate.

zman said...

I heard the president has no birth certificate, he's Satan's son and there is no record that he was ever born of an earthly womb. True story. Pat Roberston told me.

TR said...

I thought the turning point for Stossel came when he got beat up by "Dr. D" David Schultz in the 80's. It showed his sensitive side to the ladies. That ranks as my favorite "pro wrestler goes over the line on a TV personality" moment. Second on that list is when Hulk Hogan put Richard Belzer in a head-lock while promoting Wrestlemania, and suffocated him until he was unconscious, and then let his carcass drop to the floor, causing Belzer to get an ugly, bloody gash his head. Mr. T was there for that interview but didn't stop the Hulkster. #817 on that list was when Adrian Adonis rudely interrupted Gene Okerlund once to correct his weight.

Igor said...

Dennis -- I, for one, appreciated your story. At the fraternity formal at Fort Monroe, my girlfriend at the time had one bottle too many of Appleton Jamaican rum and indicated she would need to vacate the table and hurl her guts out in the lavatory. What with the gripping announcements and awards taking place, I forbade her to leave the table. (The last time I have ever wielded such authority over a co-ed.) She complied, then pushed her chair back from the table and barfed everywhere.

Completing the theme of my own douchebaggery, I hopped up on my soapbox, which was perched atop my high horse, and began to berate her and what I termed "the most disgusting thing I have ever--"

. . . "seen" was largely unintelligible, as my diction was obscured by vomit cascading up my gullet. She was still doubled over in her chair, so the brunt of my heave went directly onto the back of her head. Stay classy, Hampton.

And months later she also punched me in the face. (Not for that.)

And I did need to get some tattoo removal because of her.

Full circle, baby.

And this is EXACTLY the kind of comment you would think an Igor would post, Dave.

zman said...

If that happened in Philly I bet it would be front-page news!

rob said...

aaand, scene.

TJ said...

Kiefer having some fun across the pond. http://bit.ly/d1FWw2

Dave said...

now that's igor!

cgormley said...

Sears is selling this thing?

http://tinyurl.com/y2rg6l6

Sorry TJ, I stole more of your filler and your wine and cheese date.

TJ said...

Dave, it's pronounced "eye"gor.

zman said...

I didn't know TJ dated a one-armed bandit.

Igor said...

The One-Armed Bandit, perhaps my favorite of the classless nicknames for W&M girls.

Yes, she only had one arm. And her proclivity to stymie our friends' sexual advances led a fellow fratre (who is now a DC attorney) to make a slot machine gesture and squawk, "Cherry! Cherry! Cherry!" every time she was mentioned.

IGOR!

(a la Steve Holt, I am going to append my lowbrow comments with that)

greyscout2 said...

Shithead was from Jersey. He's not from Philly.

Igor said...

Cherry Hill and Philadelphia are like Minneapolis and St. Paul, minus the pastiness and plus a huge, just huge amount of body hair.


IGOR!

Greg said...

Now that's Igor!!!

Sarah said...

Wow, you guys are really clever...in a prepubescent I'm a loser character from South Park can't get a real job, kind of way

Sarah said...

Have any of you geeks even been close enough to a hot girl in your lifetime without THEM throwing up on you?

rob said...

the lady knows her audience

Igor said...

The kids are watching The Electric Company, a show on which Morgan Freeman was once a regular. You know who's on it now? Mark Linn-Baker. Larry Appleton. As in Appleton rum. Jamaica. Barf. Full circle!

IGOR!

TJ said...

Now we do the Dance of Joy!

Marls said...

Sarah may be on to something here. I seem to recall zman hooking up with "purple girl" who promptly went out into the third floor bathroom and puked in Dr. Spector's spaghetti pot which he left in the bath room for some reason. However, purple girl was not hot so this theory may need more testing.

Mark said...

I like this Sarah character the most out of all of Whitney's pseudonyms.

Igor said...

I'm rather partial to it myself.

I am actually hoping "Sarah" is Shlara's alter-alter ego in which she reveals her true disdain for her boytoys at G:TB. That would be awesome.

And if not . . . well, I'd direct her to the Mission Statement, but for the life of Andrew, he couldn't locate it on this page. This is probably a better look at the Gheorghe staffers that Sarah enjoys.

rob said...

crosby just had his jeter moment

Mark said...

I'm pretty sure Rob was talking about Crosby's save but his 30 second Curly Neal routine to assist was fucking impressive.

Sorry Jerome.

TR said...

The real question is what labels drew such interesting folks to our little corner of the interweb.

Sounds like a job for The Teej. Too bad he's likely drunk, high and thinking about corn dogs at the moment.

Mark said...

Aren't we all drunk, high and thinking about corn dogs at the moment?

Colleen said...

This piece f scum is from Jersey, not Philly. Thanks ass for yet again making us looking bad. I hate Jersey people who come over here act like idiots and then Philly gets the bad rep.