Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

I got a big day tomorrow...a pretty nice little Saturday...starting with a party at 9am. Read that again. 9am. Apparently, someone (other than me) thought it wise to drink in excess on a weekend morning. I willingly jumped at this chance. The trick of course is to still be functional and coherent for a day of Bracket Busters college hoops and Cuse/BC at 6, followed by the big GTB/Wheelhouse crossover at a VA bar TBD. If I remember any of this misadventure, I'll attempt to recap from my room at Betty Ford Tuesday.

A.M. Ale. Because you can't wait until afternoon.
Dawn's the time when you wake, to the challenge of a brand new day
You're on your own when breakfast calls, you're tired of the same old way.

A.M. Ale!
When you need a friend, you don't ask questions,
never bother with how or why.
I need time, time to think
when you're watching the world go by.

Oh, if you start right, you feel right,
you can make your own rules!
If you live right you're alright
with a sip of the morning dew.

A.M. Ale!
For the thirst you've gotta feed.
A.M. Ale! It's the drink your body needs.

You can trust it with your secrets
it's a friend that understands.
When you need some answers,
just look at the bottle in your hand.
It's an A.M. Ale.

I call it...Petoria

Let me tell you, spending an entire day in database training is 100% pure poop...Much like Duke's performance in Blacksburg last night. Poor Dennis must be outta tissues after crying himself to sleep last night. Speaking of Dennis, I figured he might appreciate this:
Oldest fossil 'rabbit' unearthed
The fossilised skeleton of a rabbit-like creature that lived 55 million years ago has been found in Mongolia, Science magazine reports. Gomphos elkema, as it is known, is the oldest member of the rabbit family ever to be found.
"I WARNED you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little BUNNY, isn't it?"

To touch on something Whitney wrote yesterday, there is no more inconsistent team in college basketball than Maryland. And there is no worse foul shooter in college basketball than Marcus Jackson of Marquette. If anyone saw their utter collapse against Louisville last night they know what I'm talking about. He's a 39% shooter, and based on his form, he has a better chance of performing a quadruple bypass than sinking a free throw.

I received an email today from a Mr. Poon. We will be going to lunch Tuesday on the Underhill's tab.

I mean, if you haven't seen what Tom Sizemore is up to lately, you might want to check it out. There's your life falling apart, and than there's this. Tom, I've got Robert Downey, Jr. on hold for you.

Has anyone told Greg about this movie? I think the movie poster alone might make him die of laughter.

"That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!"
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) - Howard Dean, the newly minted leader of the Democratic Party, and former Pentagon adviser Richard Perle made clear their opposing views on the war in Iraq during a debate marred by a protester who tossed a shoe at Perle. Perle had just started his comments Thursday when a protester threw a shoe at him before being dragged away, screaming, "Liar! Liar!"

Terrible Terrapins

I know Jay Bilas and the gang at ESPN have declared Maryland a "lock" to make the tournament based on two wins versus Duke, but I'm pretty sure if the Terps lose out to finish 15-12 and 6-10 in the ACC, they'll be eating those words. Of course, the Terps probably won't do that, but Gary's boys seem to turn in a sleepwalker every third game or so, and I refuse to believe they're a shoo-in yet. They lost by 19 last night in Raleigh to get swept this season by the Wolfpack -- who are 3-7 in the ACC when not playing Maryland. The Terps are 1-7 on the road this season. The Terps lost to Clemson (2-9 ACC). The Terps are lucky that the cockamamie ACC schedule (thanks to the new additions) dictates that they only have to play Wake Forest and Georgia Tech once each. I'm a Maryland fan and I'll keep cheering for them, but if I'm a committee member, those two wins against Duke do NOT suffice. If Gary Williams can't inspire his team to win at least two of the four remaining contests (at UVA, Clemson, UNC, at VPI), maybe even three, I see the NIT in Maryland's future.

You Play To Win The Game

Well, usuallly you do, but not these guys: Savannah State wrapped up a perfect season last night, losing to Florida A&M to finish 0-28 on the year. They lost by 23 points a game. Shannon Sharpe must be proud.

The Wiz laid an absolute egg last night, losing to the coach-less New Orleans Hornets. Oh, what's that you say, Byron Scott is still coaching there. Exactly. At least that crazy white guy Chris Andersen is fun to watch. What a loon.

Speaking of horrible losses, what the hell is Syracuse doing? Getting swept by Pitt is not gonna do you any favors on Selection Sunday Men of Boeheim (Peter King phrase). Worst of all, they wasted a career night by Wheelhouse fav Louie "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue" McCroskey.

I had a feeling this Michael Jackson case could be very entertaining, and if yesterday's news is any indication, I was right. Jackson's lawyers have 370 people on the witness list. 370! Take a look at some of these "witnesses":
Kobe Bryant (I mean, look your honor, if I can get away with unwanted anal, why can't Michael?)
Quincy Jones
Larry King (For my money, no one touches little boys better than Michael!)
Diana Ross
Elizabeth Taylor
Stevie Wonder (Your honor, I swear on my life, I've never seen Michael touch little boys.)
David Blaine
Deepak Chopra (Ghost writing a book with Michael entitled Date Younger, Live Longer)
Steve Harvey
Nick Carter (I'm still famous?)
Maury Povich
Steve Wynn (How the hell did I get on this list? Has anyone seen Trishelle?)

Happy Valentine's Day

from the Smoking Gun:
FEBRUARY 14--You'd be hard-pressed--on Valentine's Day no less!--to find more romantic news than this: Convicted boy lover Mary Kay LeTourneau and her former sixth-grade student have set an April wedding date. The 43-year-old LeTourneau, who spent more than seven years in jail for the rape of Vili Fualaau, is scheduled to tie the knot with her now 22-year-old lover on April 16, according to a Macy's wedding registry. TSG is tapped out, or we'd spring for that KitchenAid mixer ($249.99) or those Kate Spade drinking glasses ($20.00). However, we're not touching that $12.50 Villeroy & Boch pickle dish.

STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS

STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS JOSE CANSECO STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS JOSE CANSECO STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS HOLY SHIT JAMES BROWN IS STILL ALIVE? STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS HOLY SHIT IS THAT ROBERT BLAKE IN MONEY TRAIN WITH WESLEY AND WOODY? STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS STEROIDS

Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Oh, nothing but the best...You know what drives me nuts? I just got a burger for lunch at the cafeteria, and doused it in ketchup (as usual) but the ketchup that came out of the Heinz bottle was not in fact Heinz ketchup. Don't try to trick me minimum wage cafeteria employee - I can tell the difference. Ruined the whole damn burger for me. Bastards.

Lest anyone forget, this year, the Anaheim Angels will be called The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I couldn't even make that up. Worst...idea...ever. Good job Arte Moreno.

A commercial for the new run of Survivor claimed that this time, it would be the toughest yet, because the "contestants" would get "No Help Of Any Kind". Oh really, so on a show called Survivor, their toughest test is that they will not be given help surviving? Wow, what a reach. Glad it took ten incarnations of the show to really put the screws to 'em.

Jerry spoke highly of his work, and the guy is willing to take a shot at Butt, so I figured what the hell...the newest link to the right is The Sports Grinder. Enjoy. Speaking of those links, who do you think will be the first to post in 2005, Swint or Greg?

Thiss is a robri

It’s time for me to do what I do best (besides sit on a couch) and post some sort of absurd news story, before Rob has a chance to post another “Will and Grace visit the White House” episode. Without further ado, GTB’s Criminal of the Week Week Week (wow, I’m not only stealing Leno’s bit, I’m stealing Huggy Low Down’s too):

NEW YORK - Police in Nassau and Suffolk counties say they were able to tie at least 13 bank robberies to the same man because of the spelling errors in his hold-up notes.
Nassau County Police said Bart Thomas' hold-up notes misspelled the word "robbery", which he spelled "robri", and the word "quick", which he spelled "kwik."

Dragging the Discourse Down

It's not often that we shine Gheorghe's spotlight on the world of politics, mostly because our current national parties do a terrific job of making mockeries of themselves without our help. But I just couldn't let this one pass without comment. The truth is sooooo stranger than fiction. Let me see if I've got this right:

1. A "journalist" representing a small web-based news organization with unequivocal ties to conservative activist group GOPUSA is given a press pass to multiple White House media events, including a Presidential press conference;

2. Said "journalist" is called upon frequently by White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, and even once by President Bush, and responds by lobbing softball, partisan questions for the administration to crush into the cheap seats;

3. He received his press pass under a false identity, and...wait for it....;

4. ...despite numerous past anti-gay writings, turns out to be the proprietor of 3 different gay porn websites.

5. And, just for giggles, appears to have been given a classified memo that revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

This crap just writes itself, doesn't it? So the White House finds itself in the difficult position of either a) admitting that it has a shitty background check process, which is scary as all hell, or b) revealing that it actively condoned this clever little scheme. Karl Rove, evil genius that he is, will figure out a way to pin it on Ray Felton - who nearly certainly is on the take.

GTB's Weekly Wiz Watch, sponsored by Coors Light

Two weeks into February, and the Chocolate City Wizards are 29-19, the 2nd best record in the woeful Eastern Conference. I imagine the last time the Wiz were 10 games over .500 it was the Carter Administration. Washington has 2, count em, 2 All-Stars, and geriatric owner Abe Pollin even gave them a cake as congrats (was it a Carvel ice cream cake? those are very tasty). Hell, besides Antawn and Gilbert, Larry Hughes might've made it 3 All-Stars for the Wiz if he hadn't gotten injured. Whit, you want to pay up now, or wait til the Wiz secure a home playoff series? (Editors note: I am not sure if Whitney is still alive)

Oh yeah, before I forget, for the 2nd time in as many nights, I received a voicemail (this time from loyal, and some would say only, GTB reader Derek Broka) proclaiming Gheorghe Muresan's presence just 2 feet away at the MCI Center. I need to get to another Wiz game pronto...

Everybody Hates Raymond

Felton, that is. So you're the lightning-quick point guard of a team trying to score a basket in the final 18 seconds of a HUGE game, and you can't even generate a shot? Even after your defender has gone for a steal and given you a clear lane to the basket? That was an atrocious job you did Raymond. Yes, the game was at Duke, and yes, Rashad McCants played like he took multiple bong hits, but UNC had a great shot at winning that game, until Felton turned into chic choke artist of the week Donovan F. McNabb. On another note, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I missed Dickie V's ranting last night, especially when the alternative is the team of super a-hole Billy Packer (look Whit, spelled it right on the first try) and local news donkey Tim Brant.

The hockey season might finally be cancelled this weekend. I think I was more upset when Boomtown was cancelled.

This link is for Swint's Eyes Only. Isn't that Gavin DeGraw dreamy?

Hey, at least I didn't name her Vic..."I gave her a beautiful middle name, Simone. If she hates Tu, she can always be Simone." -- "Numb3rs" star ROB MORROW on naming his daughter TU MORROW, quoted in The Philadelphia Inquirer.

Gold Star for Digger

Looks like Digger got that Notre Dame/Boston College game right after all. Good to see I am only one more loss away from getting my Monday BC prediction right as well. (yeah, it's a self-link, but when you get as few predictions right as I do, you need to highlight them) Chris Thomas apparently stayed off the nose candy long enough to lead the Irish to the upset of previously undefeated BC. Strong games from Chris Quinn (minus the very Brady Quinn-like pass that almost cost them in the final minute) and Colin Falls (7 threes) helped ND virtually lock up an NCAA bid in February. The Big East is looking very solid. Unfortunately, we get all-out ACC fellatio tonight with Dickie V doing the Duke/UNC game. SUPERSCINTILLATINGSENSATIONAL...

Solid effort from Swint's Michigan Wolverines last night, as they led Illinois for much of the game only to lose in the final 5 minutes to a superior squad. I'm pretty sure Dee Brown is the fastest little mutha I've seen on a court since Iverson in a Georgetown uni. He completely took that game over...on the defensive end. Damn impressive.

I am so bitter

I had a ticket to see the Wiz/Pacers game last night, in a work luxury box, and had to turn it down because I have some sort of mutant SARS/Ebola/West Nile virus that is rather unpleasant (this is the kind of illness that causes Jerry to sleep for 38 straight hours). Just my luck, guess who visited the box in the 2nd quarter? No guesses? Of course, it was this blog's namesake, Big Gheorghe himself. Needless to say, I am extremely nonplussed. I plan on spreading this thing to my co-workers faster than that kid in the movie theater in Outbreak.

Jose Can You See

Get ready for a spectacle. Jose Canseco's book, "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big," is scheduled for release on Feb. 21. In the book, Jose writes that he personally injected Mark McGwire with steroids and that he saw McGwire and Jason Giambi inject each other. Does that make anyone else queasy? That is a visual I just don't need. How is Jose gonna do a book tour if he's still under house arrest?

Oh yeah, congrats to the New England Patriots on three titles in four years. Very impressive. Perhaps next year they will face a real QB and Coach in the big game. For a guy who claimed to be "loose" all week, Donovan McNabb looked like Joel Sherman after 12 mini-thins. And it was nice of Andy Reid to borrow Dick Curl, the Jets clock management consultant, for the game.

I gave American Dad a shot last night. It needs to be 69 times better for me to give it a shot next time. Memo to Fox: Family Guy is great. I love Family Guy. Don't throw a watered down version of Family Guy at me and expect me to accept it. A fish that talks with a German accent? An alien who sounds alot like Andy Dick? Come on, I need more.
(Oh, who the hell am I kidding, I'll be watching the next episode)

Illinois is finishing the regular season undefeated. Lock it up. Boston College will lose not once, but twice, before the regular season is over. Neither of these teams will win the NCAA title. And Seth Davis annoyed me on CBS' halftime show yesterday.

Flipping around in the hours before the game, I stumbled upon three god awful movies:
-Is Ghostbusters 2 the worst sequel of all time? Discuss.
-When greenlighting Bulletproof Monk, was there actually a moment where someone said, "You know what, I bet casting Stiffler as the buddy to Chow Yun-Fat guarantees us a smash?"
-That Johnny Depp movie, Secret Window, where he's the writer being harassed by John Turturro? I mean, not only was it trash, but the folks who made the Shining and Fight Club should seriously sue.

My vote for best commercial (in case you care): the FedEx Burt Reynolds/Bear commercial, followed closely by those CareerBuilder.com ads featuring office monkeys (an idea I've been pushing unsuccessfully for years). Question - that really was MC Hammer in those Lay's ads right?

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

LOS ANGELES -- John Vernon, a stage-trained character actor who played cunning villains in film and TV and made his comedy mark as Dean Wormer in ``National Lampoon's Animal House,'' has died. He was 72.

This really hurts his credibility

This is from SG's chat today. Liking Jim Rome is not a good thing. I bet Whitney has something to say about this.

Jayson (Houston): Bill, I heard you had alittle time with Rome yesterday. How did it go? You a Rome fan?

Bill Simmons: Yeah, I like Rome - he's a good guy. He's like a God in LA, it's unbelievable. But he has the only listenable show in LA - besides all the ESPN Radio shows, obviously. (Quit pointing the gun at my head!)

Question of the Day

Do you think Dick Vitale finds it hard to call a game with J.J. Redick's dick in his mouth?

Punxsutawney Phil Sees His Shadow

This is one time where a blog really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather. Damn that rodent. 6 more weeks of (Edgar) Winter. Well, to those who say February is a cold, boring month, it's day 2 of month 2, and we've already seen:

**Rudy T quit faster than the 2004-2005 New York Knicks. I mean, this is almost "Jerry Tarkanian in San Antonio" bad.
**Emmitt Smith up and retire because he realized even the Arizona Cardinals don't want him. The bonus of course is getting to listen to Michael Irvin scream at me through the TV about Mr. Smith. Good times.
**Illinois crush Michigan St in the Izzone, and look like a serious contender to go undefeated (don't get too excited Illini, call up Delonte West and see how that worked out last year
**Middle Eastern mental midgets "kidnap" a toy and hold it hostage. Is there a Middle Eastern version of the short bus?
**Michael Jackson's kid touching (yeah, I'm pretty sure that's the official term) trial begin. This trial could be OJ good, minus the outrageous double murder element.
**T.O. claim Dr. God has cleared him to play. Who knew T.O. was seeing Dr. Jed Hill?
**Yogi Berra sue TBS (for 10 million bucks) for using the term "Yogasm". There's a joke in here, but it requires me to tie Yogi Berra to Sex and the City, and I'm just not equipped to do that. At all.
**Another stealth steroid discovered. I think Barry uses this one as toothpaste. Accidentally of course.

Super Bowl Media Day

Well, it didn't take long for T.O. to entertain me:
''The pain is minimal. God has already cleared me. I have the best doctor of all, and he cleared me.''

Apparently not wanting to be outdone, Corey Dillon had this gem:
"No, because people are going to view me how they want to. The way I look at it, people didn't think Jesus was Jesus. So who am I? That's the kind of approach I take, and people are going to think what they want to think.''

There Is Not Even A Need For A Joke

Man peed way out of avalanche
A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains. He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out. But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through. He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.
He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there." Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

We Now Return To "Full Steam Ahead"...

...with The Commodore and Gheorghe:

Commodore: Can we call this the Mike Tyson epidemic?
Gheorghe: Paging Dr. Lecter...
CENTRAL FALLS -- What happened to one Mary Street resident Saturday night made what Mike Tyson did to Evander Holyfield look like a peck on the cheek. After reviewing photographs taken of the victim’s injuries at Memorial Hospital, police said someone bit his lower-lip ("everything pink") completely off, as well as the tip of his left-hand ring finger.

Commodore: Can we get these laws enforced for movie theaters too?
Gheorghe: Her mother was later arrested when her vibrator went off...
CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. (AP) A 17-year-old girl was sentenced to 21 days in jail for contempt when her cell phone rang after a judge warned everyone in the courtroom to shut off all electronic devices.

Commodore: Do these pills work to help increase your gf's chances of doing a three way?
Gheorghe: If so, GNC is going to be very popular...
Slimming pills increase chance of lesbian child
TAKING pills for slimming and thyroid problems during pregnancy may increase the possibility of bearing lesbian daughters, a study has revealed.

Commodore: Can these criminals come to DC? Maybe then the Metro will get new escalators...
Gheorghe: How exactly do you go about "stealing" an escalator?
Hong Kong - A subway station in southern China has been forced to delay its opening after an armed gang broke in and stole the escalator, a news report said on Saturday. A gang of 24 men held up builders and looted the construction site at Gouwugongyuan station in Shenzhen, stealing an entire escalator and six steel pillars.

Space Ghost(Writer) Coast To Coast

Just before I was to run the "Where Are They Now" segment on fallen blogger Michael Jack, I received these choice links, with comments from the Commodore himself. Enjoy:

Commodore: I didn't think that Russians could afford suitcases...
Gheorghe: Another reason Russians should not drink...
Suitcase stolen with girl inside
A Russian couple that tried to avoid buying a train ticket for their daughter by putting her in a suitcase were caught out when the case was stolen. The parents of the young girl from Vitebsk admitted they had not been paying attention to the case when they stopped off for a “few drinks” after arriving at a Moscow train station, reported Pravda. Police later found the girl, aged three, wandering the streets lost. The crooks had taken her out of the case and left her behind - but kept the case.

Commodore: If only this guy was around for OJ...
Gheorghe: I thought this was an eharmony.com page profile page for Rosy Palm...

Commodore: I bet this guy walked 10 miles to school every day too, through two feet of snow, uphill both ways, and he liked it...
Gheorghe: He has hired Matlock to defend him...
ST. PAUL, Minn. — A retiree who tussled with a man half his age who was using foul language in a restaurant was sentenced to probation, but he got a thumbs-up from attorneys and others who sympathized with his motives.

Commodore: We definitely wouldn't want the hands of the already obese American public to get greasy during Maury. I don't really mind that I sweat in 60 degree temps, but butter on my hands is just the worst...
Gheorghe: I mean, there's a built in salt shaker for god's sake...

Laziness Leads To This

Swiping EB's Entertainment Page:

Only in my dreams? I'm not so sure...Former teen pop idol Deborah Gibson is set to finally shed her clean-cut image, after reportedly posing for Playboy magazine.

Hey, Hey, Hey, it's sexual assault...A 31-year-old former Temple University, Pennsylvania, employee claims Cosby took her back to his Philadelphia area home after meeting her in a restaurant, drugged her and then touched her breast. She admits details of what happened are hazy but she remembers waking up at 4am with her clothing in disarray.

I mean, seriously, if you saw Vanilla Sky, wouldn't you want to hit her...Spanish actress Penelope Cruz has hired her first bodyguard - after two men attacked her on Sunday in an unsuccessful attempt to steal her handbag.

Did He Just Say "Making Fuck"?

His eyes welling with tears, Sacramento Fire Chief Julius "Joe" Cherry vowed Tuesday to return his scandal-ridden department to respectability even as Mayor Heather Fargo and two City Council members said that four firefighters should be fired if sex allegations against them are true.
Cherry revealed Monday that he had launched an investigation into charges that the four firefighters - three men and a woman - had engaged in group sex in their Hollywood Park station house.
Cherry announced that the four firefighters - a male captain, two male firefighters and a female firefighter - have been suspended for allegedly participating in three instances of consensual sexual encounters with each other while on duty at Station 12 in Hollywood Park. Three of the firefighters are married.

My love for you is like a (fire) truck, BERZERKER! Would you like some making fuck, BERZERKER!

G.G.W.K.

Just a tremendous night of television last night, sports mixed with entertainment mixed with sports entertainment. Let me recap:
- Syracuse is now 20-1 after a thrilling comeback against Rutgers, mainly revolving around Rutgers having never seen a press in their lives. Good to see Jerry is also a fan of the 6'10" Jughead kid.
- The Washington Wizards won again last night, matching last year's win total, after just 40 games. You'll get a better write up here than in the Post (man, the Wheelhouse was busy this morning). Whitney, you are gonna lose this bet bad.
- Not only was bedlam occurring on the court between Oklahoma and Oklahoma State, bedlam was raging on Monday Night Raw. I haven't tuned to alot of wrestling lately, but it's sure good to know Ric Flair is still limping into the ring. How old is that guy?
- A classic South Park was also on last night, the rain forest "Getting Gay With Kids" choir episode. Cartman at his finest.
- If you haven't turned to the trainwreck that is VH1's Celebreality shows, you really should at least rubberneck for a few minutes on any one of the 3 - Surreal Life 4, Celebrity Fit Club, or Strange Love. I haven't yet decided which show signals the end of the world, but it's definitely one of them.

Hey, Aren't You Serge?

I just wrapped up a meeting with an IT guy who I'm pretty sure was Balki Bartokomous. After discussing our website and portal pages, we did the Dance of Joy.

After going 0-4 last week, it's pretty clear I have no clue what I'm doing. That being said, I'm going with Vick and the Falcons (because I want to see Philly burn to the ground) and Dillon and the Patriots.

Poop...Now There's A Funny Word

This story is one million times funnier because it involves Rasheed Wallace. Trust me. If only Najeh Davenport could've been courtside...

A stink was raised during halftime of the Detroit Pistons-Orlando Magic NBA game on Tuesday night when the start of the second half was delayed by three minutes after a seeing-eye dog relieved itself on the court.
When the Pistons came out for warmups, Rasheed Wallace walked up to the lane where the excrement had fallen, stopped and stared in disbelief. His teammates were just as confused before wide smiles broke out.
A custodian was enlisted to scoop up the mess and wipe up the remains with cleaner, a mop and towels.

Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?

I lied.

Schwarzenegger OKs State's First Execution in Years
SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger declined on Tuesday to grant clemency to killer Donald Beardslee, setting the stage for the first execution in three years in the most populous U.S. state.
Beardslee, 61, is scheduled to be put to death by lethal injection at San Quentin State Prison north of San Francisco at one minute after midnight on Wednesday morning for killing two women in 1981.

Well Look At What We Have Here

So I'm flipping the channels last night, finally settling on VH1's I Love The 90s Part Deux, reveling in the comic wit of Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black, when all of a sudden I see none other then Bill Simmons, aka Sportsguy, blabbing on about 1990. Needless to say, I was quite surprised. And if you haven't heard Mr. Simmons talk yet...well, you're missing out. I don't think it's ever a good thing when the members of Hanson have deeper voices than you.

Happy MLK Day

In honor of Mr. King, I plan to head on over to the 8th street barbershop and continue my work on the treatment for Barbershop 3: The High Fade. If the fellas are indeed open, hopefully we can continue our conversation on Sam Jackson's distinguished movie career (that Geena Davis flick with Sam - The Long Kiss Goodnight? - took up most of the discussion last time) and watch some more Steve Harvey re-runs. Now that guy is funny (if the laughter in the room is any indication). I gotta run, Popeye's has a 3 piece and biscuit waiting for me.

This seems like the right place for it...Time for a Washington Wizards update. The Wiz are 22-13, riding a 7 game winning streak, and currently are the second-best team in the East. Unfortunately, this Larry Hughes' injury is brutal, and is going to kill the Wiz in the coming weeks. Luckily, the East is a bigger joke than the People's Choice Awards.

Brien Is Einhorn, Einhorn Is Brien

Ray Finkle had nothing on Doug Brien. Yeah, 47 and 43 yarders are no gimme, but he is a professional kicker right? He is paid TO WIN THE GAME right? What am I missing here? A full day of wedding planning nicely ended at 4:15 or so, allowing me to sit down and root on Herm and the boys. The early deficit, the punt return by everyone' favorite cliche-botcher Santana Moss, the interception return, Jerome's fumble, I mean it was all there, and here comes Mr. Brien to kill it. Twice. Apparently, Brien's misses were the first time in NFL postseason history a player missed two FG attempts in the final two minutes of the fourth quarter. Clutch performances aren't exactly the forte of my teams this year. At least I had all my other picks right...

His Name Is Doug Brien

His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien
His Name Is Doug Brien

I thought that would help. It didn't. Fuck you Doug Brien. Fuck you.

Nothing Like Starting The Day...

...to Color Me Badd's "I Wanna Sex You Up". These guys are atrocious.

It's been brought to my attention that Natalie Portman has a stripping scene in the new movie Closer. Um, how quickly can I sign up to see this?

I was 3-1 last week (great work Brett Fav-re), so why not give it a shot again this week. I'll take the Jets, Rams, Colts, and Vikings. That's right, all the underdogs. Making picks is easy when you wager like Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

Our Judicial System At Work

This was just accidentally emailed to me. I'm glad I'm not this guy:

Mike:
I won't get to this until Monday BUT just arrest him and I'll ask for his detention anyway.
We can always add the counts

This email arrived seconds later:

****** would like to recall the message, "******"

¡Dios Mio!

GTB creator and workaholic Rob Russell just emailed me this:

"How are you not writing about the demise of the Sports Junkies? The comedic value of HFS going all Spanish with no advance warning's gotta be worth something."

Indeed, es muy divertido. There you go, I think we just talked about it. If not, the Wheelhouse took a stab at it this morning.

Irony Defined

Whitney might be getting sick of GTB's "What Crappy Article Can TJ Pull Off The Internet" segment, but this one can't be passed up.

Amish Teen Electrocuted in Ohio
CHARDON, Ohio (AP) - A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted trying to remove a power line that got tangled in his horse-drawn buggy's wheels, authorities said.

What Do Coors Light & the Denver Nuggets Have in Common?

Subtitle: More Reasons Why You Don't Let Men Named Kiki Captain Your Ship

Trivia: Name another "famous" Kiki.

On December 27, Kiki Vandeweghe fired coach Jeff Bzdelik after the Nuggets dropped 6 straight to slip to 13-15. Former Showtime Laker Michael Cooper replaced him but has lost 5 straight after winning his first game, and they're now at 14-20. (Michael, the fans aren't yelling, "Cooooooop!") During the latest skid, Carmelo Anthony has shot 28-91 from the floor, but he defended himself by claiming that the crap shots he's hurling up aren't really his -- his friend accidentally left them in his bag.

Maybe, just maybe, it wasn't the coach? Cooper and former backcourt mate Byron Scott are a combined 5-34 as coaches this year, and that's after a big Hornets win over the New York "If You're Crappy and You Know It, Clap Your Hands" Knickerbockers -- who lead the once-proud Atlantic Division with a 17-18 record. Can't Magic and Rambis get back into coaching and contribute to the futility? Apparently A.C. Green is too busy these days making up for all the sex he didn't have while in the NBA.

But seriously, people: www.kurtrambis.com

Trivia Answers: singer Kiki Dee ("Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" with Elton), artist Kiki Smith, Hall of Fame outfielder Kiki Cuyler, and adult film actress Kiki D'Aire (you owe it to yourself to check out her filmography -- it reads even funnier than Randal's rant in Clerks.
(These do not count as correct answers: Kiko Calero, Kiko Garcia, Ki Kim, Chi Chi Rodriguez, Cheech Marin, or Michael Swint.)

Why Didn't I Think Of This?

I mean this pretty much speaks for itself. The Local 6 News really packs a punch.

Man Selling Forehead Space For Ads
A 20-year-old Nebraska man is renting his forehead for advertising space in an attempt to pay college bills, according to a Local 6 News report.
Andrew Fisher said he will have a business logo or even a Web site temporarily tattooed to his forehead for 30 days. Fisher is taking bids and will award the space on his body to the winning bidder, Local 6 News reported.
Fisher said while he hasn't decided which college he'll attend, he wants to study graphic design.

Big Monday Is Back

Love Big Monday on ESPN. Love the Cuse getting a win (and Boeheim his 300th Big East W) while UConn loses at Oklahoma. Hakim Warrick had another absurd dunk last night. Jerry's Warrick/Carmelo wager might be real interesting in 2 or 3 years. Now if only Hakim could make more than 20% of his free throws.

Joe Lunardi is insane. It's the second week of January and he is bombarding us with Bracketology on ESPN.com. Damn it Joe, why don't we let the conference schedule play out a little bit, eh?

GTB fav Nicky Van Poo Poo had a huge game last night. 8 treys, setting a new TrailBlazer record. A TrailBlazer record huh? I know, you're waiting for the weed joke. It ain't coming. I'm just here to give Nicky his props.

Man, how good was "Regulate" by Warren G? Hearing it just made my work day.

This is priceless. I have my mailhouse calling me today telling me the Post Office is all over them because our mailing permit is about to expire. A check was cut and sent to the Post Office weeks ago to pay the permit. Why hasn't the check the Post Office is bothering me about gotten there? Because it got lost in the mail. Seriously. Un-fucking-believable.

In the "Be careful what you wish for" category, the winner is...
OVIEDO, Fla. (AP) - A Presbyterian minister collapsed and died in mid-sentence of a sermon after saying "And when I go to heaven ...," his colleague said Monday.

You Gotta Love Page Six

There is an awful lot to digest here. Cush seems to have alot of balls in the air.

Jerry O'Connell wants to have his cake and eat everyone else's too. The former fat kid from "Stand By Me" made a lot of guys jealous when he started dating Rebecca Romijn-Stamos several months ago. But although the two are still together, our insider said O'Connell has been secretly calling his ex-fiancée, E! anchor Giuliana DePandi, on a regular basis, "saying he wants her back and they should get married." DePandi, who broke it off with O'Connell after he cheated on her with Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell, "hasn't returned the calls and isn't going near that."

J-E-T-S

JETS...JETS...JETS...
Eric Barton, you are one very lucky donkey. And I hope Jerry's laptop survived my drunken outburst. Time for Curtis and Company to take out Big Ben in Pittsburgh.

The Randy Moss Afro was fantastic. Was anyone else surprised at Joe Buck's reaction to Randy's celebratory moon? You would've thought Moss just killed Buck's kids.

I know they're defending champs, and I know they're 18-0 at home the last two years, but I simply can't see New England's rag tag bunch of DBs stopping the Colts offense. Indy 31 - NE 28, Manning finally beats Brady, and we get to listen to SportsGuy bitch and moan for weeks.

While the Wiz continue their quest for the playoffs, the New Orleans Hornets continue their march toward all-time futility. 3-29, and well on their way to 70+ losses. 9-73 is not out of the question. Make me proud New Orleans.

Television Is My Friend

Next time you turn to the ACC Game of the Week on Comcast SportsNet, take a look at Mike Gminski. He looks like Will Ferrell playing Harry Caray minus the glasses. Just disturbing. "Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Does your name ever make you hungry?"

The "Rusty" Bud Light ad is starting to grow on me. However, that GEICO ad with the lizard doing the robot sucks balls. It almost sucks as much as that re-make of The Stepford Wives. What was Christopher Walken thinking? No amount of cowbell could save that bomb.

Slater might be the only other guy in the world who saw this, but Charles Barkley was on fire last night, mainly because there is some daytime reality show called "Starting Over", and a contestant on that show claimed Barkley picked her up and threw her in a trash can. In second grade. Off the charts comedy. Slater, tell me you saw this? (Um, since I strongly doubt Gheorghe has made it's way onto his bookmarks, someone ask him for me.)

OK, I didn't think it was possible, but Conan O'Brien has added a third entry into the running for Best Conan Character Ever. I was sure it was a two horse race between PimpBot 5000 and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog until I saw Vomiting Kermit. Double Wow.

Whit, keep mocking those Wizards right into a home playoff series.

Of Tomax and Xamot, who do you think was the pitcher and who was the catcher?

Quick wild card picks - Rams, Jets (total homer pick), Packers, Colts. Not very exciting I know.

Oh yeah, one last thing - 2005 is The Year of the Rooster. Seriously. I have the T-Shirt to prove it.

Wiz Watch

Your Washington Wizards -- and by "your" I mean TJ's -- are 17-13 and in 4th place, which is seemingly still impressive, but consider these facts:

• They are only a half-game out of 5th, where I said they'd be by now
• They are 3 games out of 9th place
• They are 14-3 against teams under .500, 2-10 against teams over .500
• Their next 10 games feature 7 opponents over .500 (most of them well above .500)
• Larry Hughes can't figure out which is the "pass" button on his controller
• What TJ wrote below

Oh, and one more thing...

• They are the Washington Wizards (nee Bullets)

I still root for them, I promise, but I'm just not buying into their supposed reversal of fortune.

In other NBA news: The New Orleans Hornets are 2-28, and Mardi Gras hasn't even happened yet. I know how I'd function at work if I lived in New Orleans, so I say give 'em a break.

A: Super, Scintillating, Sensational baby!!!

Q: How would Dickie V describe last night's college hoops action?
Excellent night of college hoops. If last night was any indication, the Big East is going to be a fun ride. Huge wins for JT3 and the Hoyas against Pitt and Boston College and their uglier-than-sin coach Al Skinner against UConn. I was impressed with Michigan's road W over Iowa too. Vanderbilt dropped Alabama and Houston stunned Louisville (I had no idea Tom Penders still had a coaching gig) in other upsets. Man I love college basketball.

And this is the team I'm betting makes the playoffs...Antawn Jamison's response to being asked about his jersey number switch: "Sometimes I see myself on film, and I see that single digit, and I don’t recognize myself. I think, ‘oh man, who is that Number 4?’ and then I realize ‘oh yeah, that’s me.’" NBA, home of mental midgets.

Number Five is Alive, No Disassemble...South Korean scientists claim they have developed the world's smartest robot able to think and learn like a human. But can it carry Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy for 98 minutes? Scan the article - tell me the robot doesn't speak just like Yao Ming. (Can I write check?)

There's Fruitless Litigation...

and then there's this asshole:

NBC's 'Fear Factor' Sued for Rat-Eating Episode
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Watching contestants eat dead rats on NBC's gross-out stunt show "Fear Factor" so disgusted a Cleveland man that he has sued NBC for $2.5 million, saying he could not stomach what he saw.
In a handwritten four-page lawsuit filed in federal court in Cleveland on Tuesday, paralegal Austin Aitken said, "To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well an another in the house at the same time."
His suit added, "NBC is sending the wrong message to its TV watchers that cash can make or have people do just about anything beyond reasoning (sic) and in most cases against their will."
He said the show caused his blood pressure to rise so high that he became dizzy and light-headed, and when he ran away to his room, he bumped his head into the doorway.

It's called changing the channel you fucking moron. People like this should seriously be killed, or at least forced to eat rats on that crap show Fear Factor.

Wizards Update and Other Useless Nonsense

The Chocolate City Wizards are currently 17-13, good enough for 2nd place in the Southeast Division and 4th place in the Eastern Conference. Stop trying to jinx this juggernaut Whitney.

You know who I hate - people who clap when the plane lands. Stop clapping donkeys. The plane is supposed to land. It is not a feat worthy of applause.

I miss The Fat Boys. Those guys were fantastic. I mean, I think they might've gotten Chubby Checker off welfare at one point. However, the braintrust that thought it was a great idea to make Disorderlies should be dragged out into the street and shot.

OK, after seeing the clip of Oklahoma's Dan Cody passing out after pumping up the defense, who else was thinking Lattimer in The Program? I wouldn't be surprised if Cody's speech ended with "Ding Motherfucking Dong".

Our first nominee for 2005 Name of the Year: Cincinnati Freshman PG Jihad Muhammad. The Wheelhouse boys might remember his cousins, Akbar Al-Hijackya and Mohammed Bombsalot.

Welcome to 2005

I've been gone too long, and have much to say (even though as Whitney pointed out recently no one reads this site), but first let's start the new year with this news:

MIAMI -- O.J. Simpson plans to root like crazy at the Orange Bowl.

It isn't much of an article, but this made me laugh:
"His attorney, Yale Galanter, monitored the telephone call and wouldn't allow Simpson to say where he'll be sitting inside the stadium."

Merry Christmas to All

and Have a Happy New Year too. I am off to the land of Magnum P.I. and cheesy Adam Sandler romantic comedies, with a nice 15 hour layover in Gil Grissom's hood. I've got the Sunblock 3000 packed and am ready to hit the beach fully clothed, looking like a suspect out of a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. I'm not sure I'm ready to be watching big time football games at 9am (or earlier), but I'll sure as hell give it a shot.

As a public service to lunatic Redskins fans out there...

(Courtesy of SportsTalk 980)

The Redskins can make the playoffs if...
Step 1: They win their final two games and...
Step 2: Carolina, New Orleans, and the N.Y. Giants lose at least once and...
Step 3: Either St. Louis loses to Philadelphia next Monday Night or Seattle loses its final two games.

*Note 1- The only two teams the Redskins would lose head-to-head wildcard tiebreakers with (at 7-9) are the Giants (because of a worse division record/Giants would be 3-3 versus the Skins at 2-4) and St. Louis if the Rams beat Philadelphia and lost to the Jets (because while the Rams and Skins would have identical conference records, the Rams would have a better record against common opponents).
**Note 2- There are two scenarios where the Redskins can be eliminated this week, even with a win in Dallas. They are as follows: a) if New Orleans and Carolina both win or b) if the Rams and Seattle both win...
***Note 3- There is a scenario where the Redskins can be in a “control their own destiny” situation going into the final week against Minnesota. That scenario is as follows: Redskins beat Dallas and New Orleans, Carolina, N.Y. Giants, and St. Louis all lose this weekend. If that happens, the Redskins would only need to beat Minnesota in the finale to clinch the NFC’s #6 spot.
****Note 4- If the Redskins advance to the playoffs…they would be the NFC’s #6-seed and would play at the #3-seed in the first round…the #3-seed will be the NFC North Champ…either Green Bay or Minnesota. By the way, there is no chance for the Redskins to grab the #5 spot.
*****Note 5- The Redskins are eliminated with a loss.

Norv Turner, Captain of the Titanic

Oakland Raiders cornerback Charles Woodson and safety Marques Anderson were arrested early Monday morning by Oakland police for public intoxication, the Oakland police department confirmed to ESPN.
Woodson and Anderson were taken into custody at approximately 4:20 a.m. (local time), when a female driving a car with both men as passengers waved down a police officer, according to the police report. The female told the officer that the two men in the back seat had refused to get out of her car.
The police officer found that Woodson and Anderson "smelled of alcohol with bloodshot eyes" and asked them to step out of the car, according to Danielle Ashford, public information officer for the Oakland PD.

Now why oh why would they have bloodshot eyes at 4:20am?

Moving right along...
-T.O. is most likely done for the year. That's a crying shame, to have something like that happen to such a nice guy. The Iggles are so done it's not even funny.
- I saw more guys fumble at the goal line yesterday than I ever have in one day's worth of highlights. Good lord fellas, hold onto the ball.
- Apparently Dan Marino is mentoring Rick Majerus on how to take a job and not really mean it. Great work fatty.
- Speaking of Dan Marino, I'm looking for Ray Finkle...and a clean pair of shorts.
- From today's New York Post:
"We'd like to add a piece right now," Nets GM Ed Stefanski said. "We have to research and explore for a big man but there's no name awaiting us." Some are longshots, such as free agent Jerome Moiso; some are virtually impossible to get, such as Washington's Kwame Brown; some hold little appeal for the Nets, such as Houston's Maurice Taylor. Toronto's Donyell Marshall is a name the Nets will explore even though he's a free agent this summer.
OK look at the bolded sentence. Two questions here - (1) How much do the Nets suck? and (2) How much do the guys on this list suck? What does it tell you about the quest for size in the NBA that Jerome Moiso is a longshot pick up, and Kwame Brown is untouchable? Kwame Brown, untouchable? You have got to be kidding me.

What, no fava beans and a nice chianti?

MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - A Mexican man killed his lover in a drunken, drugged fight then cooked the man's body in tomato and onion sauce and ate it over three days.
Police found Gumaro de Dios Arias grilling rotting human flesh for his breakfast, including part of a heart, when they raided a shack he lived in near the Caribbean beach resort of Playa del Carmen, a police chief said on Wednesday.

Yet another reason why Mexico is the worst place on earth.

I'll take "Triple Bypass" for $400 Alex

Deep-fried Mars bar taking Scotland by storm
Thu Dec 16, 9:45 AM ET
PARIS (AFP) - The deep-fried Mars bar, a nutritionist's nightmare that surfaced in Scotland about a decade ago, is now an established part of the Scottish culinary scene, according to a letter published in The Lancet.
Dipped in batter and then cooked in hot oil, the Mars bar is now on sale in more than a fifth of Scotland's 627 fish-and-chip shops, it says.

Now I don't know much about the Scottish culinary experience, but is this like telling me I could go to Long John Silver's and get my 2 Fish & 3 Chicken Planks (add 12 hushpuppies) meal with a deep-fried Mars bar on the side? If so, where do I sign up?

Don't buy those season tickets just yet

Huge shocker, there could be yet another wrench in the plans to bring baseball to DC. This Linda Cropp woman is really starting to get on my nerves. I fully expect some kind of rant out of Whitney by lunchtime, be it here or at MLC.

MLB expected to reject ballpark financing plan
WASHINGTON -- Baseball fans in the nation's capital might not have long to cheer their new team.
The District of Columbia Council voted 7-6 Tuesday night to approve legislation that would finance construction of a ballpark. But it contained a provision that could cause the baseball commissioner's office to reopen the search for a long-term home for the franchise.
The legislation was amended to require private financing for at least half the stadium construction costs, a provision not contained in the September agreement between baseball and Washington Mayor Anthony A. Williams.

And the anti-christ Cropp had this to say:
"I am not trying to kill the deal," said council chair Linda W. Cropp, who introduced the private financing measure. "I'm putting some teeth in it because I'm really disappointed with what I got from Major League Baseball."

Silent Night, Wasted Night

Having used up all my pain-free hangovers sometime in 1998, it has taken me almost 48 hours to recover from yet another fantastic Santa Stumble. Who knew dressing up like Santa and getting absolutely hammered was such a good time? (well, for one, GTB contributor Whitney)

A quick peek at the NBA standings shows the Washington Wizards owning the second best record in the atrocious Eastern Conference. The Wiz had a 2-0 weekend beating Atlantic Division “leader” NY (10-10 on the season) and the absolutely brutal New Orleans Hornets (1-18 on the season). I mean, the Hornets couldn’t beat Lumpless Gravy at this point. Case of Coors Light here I come.

Christmas came early for the Baltimore Ravens and Kyle Boller yesterday, courtesy of the NY Giants. Good lord, the Giants made Boller look like Johnny Unitas for 3 hours.

OK, can all the Redskins playoff talk stop now? Please? And can someone please ask Patrick “Headache Smith” Ramsey if he’s tanking games on purpose?

Wow, that Browns offense is good. Thank goodness Terry Robiskie is such a leader of men, or else they would really be in trouble.

Hey Jake Plummer, nice salute yesterday. Too bad it was picked off before it ever reached the stands (yeah I know, how many people haven’t made done that joke today?)

If the season ended today, the Panthers are in the playoffs. Read that sentence again. The once 1-7 Carolina Panthers are blazing towards the playoffs, riding the play of Nick “Comings and” Goings and Muhsin “Seriously, I am not a terrorist” Muhammad. Double wow.

I’m getting a real sinking feeling that the Jets and the Bills are going to end the season with the exact same record (where’s that tiebreaker breakdown when you need it). It is good though to see that Herm Edwards and Mike Tice apparently chat during the season, and these chats involve talk of how WR/RB option passes are a great way to win a game/miss the playoffs/get your ass fired. Good work fellas.

Kobe Bryant is pissed because he says Karl Malone made a pass at his wife. First of all, no chance that happened – Karl Malone hasn’t thrown a pass in 8 years (I know, almost as bad as the Plummer crack). Second, is this coming from the guy who tagged a crazy chick in the ass? I thought so. Kobe, shut your piehole.

And finally, this heartwarming tale:
JACKSONVILLE, FL -- When most parents have a baby, they spend months dreaming about what their bundle of joy will look like. Will she look like mom? Will he have dad's eyes? But for one local Navy family, the birth of their daughter didn't give them the answers to those questions. Their daughter was born without a face.

I mean, what??? Huh??? I’m gonna need a moment.

Tribe Pride Part Deux

That Hot Shots! Part Deux sure was a kneeslapper wasn't it? I still wish it had used it's original title, Hot Shots 2! The Exploitation. It has a better ring to it (and no I did not just make that up). Anyway, from what I can tell, tonight will be the biggest athletic event in William and Mary history, and in case you haven't figured it out yet, Tribe Pride flows through my body (the exit pools are too close to confirm yet if Miller Lites are flowing at this moment). Turn to ESPN2 tonight at 7pm and watch Lang Campbell and the Tribe take it to JMU. Look for Jerry in full Colonial garb complete with fife and drum. Look for Dewey taking guys out in the stands like Seagal in Above the Law. Look for Greg...oh hell, who knows what Greg will be up to...

Kwame Brown has been suspended for tonight's game because he refused to join the huddle during Wednesday's game against Denver. Can you blame him? I watched Ricky Davis be absolutely enthralled by drunks on tricycles and jackasses in costumes shooting t-shirts into the stands. That's definitely more entertaining to Kwame than listening to Eddie Jordan explain the Princeton offense. I am trying to compile the list in my head (and I'm struggling)...is he the worst #1 pick ever? By far? Where does Kandi Man rank on this list? Is Joe "Common Name, Uncommon Game" Smith high up on this list? Is there a limit to questions that can be asked in one paragraph?

Great UMass/UConn game last night. Just another reason why I absolutely love college basketball. But for anyone who watched the game - what the hell was the kid Freeman doing after he made the game winner? He made the shot, then turned and ran into his bench and started jumping up and down. Meanwhile, there's 4.3 seconds left on the clock and UConn takes it the length of the court, only to barely miss a winning 3. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure basketball is meant to be played 5-on-5, especially with the game on the line.

You know what... that doesn't work for me. I gotta have more cowbell!! (and yes, the Miller Lites might be creeping)

Van McCoy wants me to do The Hustle. Should I?

I don't think this poor guy will ever fade into Bolivian

Iron Mike was apparently at it again. I mean, this stuff writes itself. From the Smoking Gun:

The troubled ex-heavyweight champion allegedly got liquored up last month and damaged a car in a bizarre incident outside an Arizona nightclub. According to a Scottsdale Police Department report, after departing the Pussycat Lounge at 12:45 AM, an inebriated Tyson jumped on the hood of a stranger's car, causing about $1500 in damage (the boozy boxer/hood ornament was yelling at driver Asaf Alikadic while perched on his hands and knees on top of the 1999 Toyota Solara).

I will leave you today with a few Tyson classics:
“He called me a ‘rapist’ and a ‘recluse.’ I’m not a recluse.”
"My main objective is to be professional but to kill him."
"It's no doubt I am going to win this fight and I feel confident about winning this fight. I normally don't do interviews with women unless I fornicate with them. So you shouldn't talk anymore... Unless you want to, you know."

His name is Verbal. Verbal Kint.

Man it's good to be back. I won't bore you with the details of my week long hiatus, let's just say I could use a beer or twenty. What's with the title you say? Well, my right hand is about as useful as Verbal's right now, and has been since last Friday morning. I've called Kevin Brown a douchebag many times in this space, but at least that guy makes millions of dollars while punching walls. Me, I punch my fridge in frustration of a bad Brita pour, and I'm too cheap to even go to my shitty HMO to see if it's broken (I'm pretty sure it is - yet another reason to start drinking). I am getting pretty sick of putting my hand in a bowl full of ice/water every night. OK, you're bored with this - lucky for you I've had a lot of time to think in the last six days...

Let's first address the post below from Mr. Laster. Now, I have no reason to root for the Washington Wizards, but what the hell, let's make this interesting. The Eastern Conference is a bigger joke than UPN's Primetime lineup. The Wizards will make the playoffs. Case of Coors Light/PBR on the line. Whit, you in?

Speaking of the NBA, the Seattle Supersonics are 16-3? These guys have the best record in the Association (thanks David Aldridge)? Vladimir Radmanovic is a averaging 12 a game. Wow. OK, forget that aberration, let's look at the New Orleans Hornets: 1-16. These clowns already have two 8 game losing streaks (take a quick look at the record and mull that one over). Can we just get Jim Haslett and Byron Scott to swap positions? Would anyone notice?

The Wheelhouse guys addressed this, but Oklahoma State has a kid named JamesOn Curry on the team. Not Jameson - James On. I mean, Come On. I thought Anfernee was a disgrace - James On is off the charts. He easily surpasses Diamond Ferri as the best name in big time 1-A athletics.

The Jets have a huge game against Pittsburgh this week. Mad Dog Chris Russo is convinced it will be a Jets W. In a related note, if you ever need an athlete to mangle multiple sports cliches in a 7 minute interview, make sure Santana Moss is on the top of your list.

Any team that loses 27-0 to Tampa Bay and 56-10 to Kansas City (sprinkle in the 17-10 loss to powerhouse Detroit) is not Super Bowl bound...yes, that means you Jim Mora Jr. and Michael Vick.

Feliz Navidad. Apparently, in Rio de Janeiro, Santa Claus brings schoolchildren bags of marijuana. I hope the cartels don't find out about this.

You know, I'm not a huge fan of Lenny Kravitz, but running on stage and shooting him 6 times at point blank range never really occurred to me. Maybe I'm in the minority here.

I had forgotten this gem, but my cousin Douglas married a girl named Nicole a few years back. Her maiden name: Brown. Wait for it...yep, Nicole Brown. I asked her Monday night if she was concerned that O.J. might pull a Terminator/Sarah Connor routine and come after her too. The look in her eye, combined with the stunned silence, said it all.

Jerry isn't going to like to hear this, but every damn highway in New Jersey is a major clusterfuck. How the hell do people move through that state? The only bonus is New Jersey is prime real estate for rousing games of "Waterball". Speaking of highways, the state of Delaware has the audacity to basically charge $1 per mile traveled in the state. Am I missing something? Is it hard to maintain 7 miles of highway? Put Kramer on it, he seemed pretty capable.

If someone has the home address of the lady who sings "Christmas Eve in Washington", shoot me an email. I'd like to send her a letter bomb.

Frankly, the bumps on Adult Swim freak me out.

Don't Look Now . . .

. . . but your mighty Washington Wizards are 10-5, which is the second best record in the (decidedly flimsy) Eastern Conference by just a half-game. They are playing together like a team for the first time since the dog days of the honky-laden '93-'94 season, and everyone's playing up to or above their natural ability. Ah, but here's the thing.

These are the Wizards. The Bullets. Les Boulez. The Land of Gheorghe. A cursed franchise if there ever was one, except that there's no anecdote of lore to go with the curse. No Bambino, no goat, no Rocky Colavito, no nothing, unless you count the Curse of Wes Unseld. Big Wes helped win the Bullets' only title and helped ensure they'd keep bringing that championship up every year by managing the franchise like I manage my finances.

Hear me now and believe me later: even with as well as they are playing now (I can even stomach watching them), even with as terribly weak as the conference is, the Washington Wizards will not make the playoffs. A bad injury or two, a bad trade or two, and overall mismanagement will be their undoing. Again.

Jeremy's Whopper

As TJ mentioned, it's out that Jason Giambi used steroids, and no, nobody's surprised. But there was a shocking revelation in the segment. Apparently Jason's brother Jeremy Giambi also admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids. This blows my mind. Jeremy Giambi, whose claim to fame (other than being Jason Giambi's brother) is being the guy whose baserunning blunder enabled Derek Jeter to make The Play several years aso, was last seen being kicked to the curb with his .197 average by the Boston Red Sox before their title run in 2004. If he started commenting in this space, he'd be the second-best hitting Jeremy here. I'm thinking he should be prosecuted for perjuring himself when he claimed to have taken steroids.

Jeremy Giambi: "I injected banned drugs I received from Greg Anderson."
Prosecuting Attorney: "No, you didn't."
JG: "Really, I admit it."
PA: "Just stop it. You did not."

He should surely be Exhibit A in Barry Bonds' defense: Look at that guy, he took the same stuff and sucked, so why should I have an asterisk next to every record I set? It's the same principle the Yankees use in defending their unfair payroll advantage -- just look at the Mets, they spend a lot of money and still suck. Unfortunately, both arguments belie an unfairness that makes them all cheaters. Which, true or not, is fun to say.

Tribe Pride

Philadelphia, PA (Sports Network) - William & Mary quarterback Lang Campbell, Appalachian State wide receiver DaVon Fowlkes and Sam Houston State quarterback Dustin Long have been selected as the top three finalists for the 2004 Walter Payton Award, which will be presented at the 18th Annual I-AA College Football Awards in Chattanooga, TN, on Dec. 16th.
Campbell, a senior from Winchester, VA, threw for 3,037 yards with 21 touchdowns and just one interception during the regular season, and also ran for 201 yards and seven scores. Campbell won Atlantic 10 Offensive Player of the Year honors for his efforts. He helped guide the Tribe to a share of the Atlantic 10 title and the conference’s automatic berth in the I-AA playoffs, where the Tribe won in the first round against Hampton, 42-35, Saturday. Campbell and William & Mary will face Delaware in a quarterfinal matchup this Saturday.

In my completely biased opinion, he should win this in a landslide. Some notable other winners of the Payton Award:
2002 Tony Romo, QB Eastern Illinois
2001 Brian Westbrook, RB Villanova
1999 Adrian Peterson, RB Georgia Southern
1998 Jerry Azumah, RB New Hampshire
1997 Brian Finneran, WR Villanova
1994 Steve McNair, QB Alcorn State
1989 John Friesz, QB Idaho
1988 Dave Meggett, RB Towson

"Wake"-Up Call for College Hoops #1

I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself. Tough loss for Wake Forest last night, getting absolutely run out of the gym by the Fighting Illini. I don't think Wake could've guarded Patrick Dennehy last night.

Speaking of college basketball, what ever happened to Lodrick and Rodrick Stewart, the supposed Rainier Beach Superstars (oh yeah, fun quiz, take a guess which one is left-handed and which is right-handed)?

I am a huge fan of Christmas, and I am a huge fan of Christmas music (thank you 97.1 WASH FM), but I swear to god I might kill someone if I hear that horrendously awful "Christmas Eve in Washington" song one more time. Go away lady.

From the "Elaine Benes Get Out!" file, apparently Jason Giambi admitted to using steroids. No way, I don't believe you. Next you're going to tell me OJ Simpson actually did kill his wife (and that other guy).

I can't tell who has the bigger hard-on for the NBA, SportsGuy or Eric Neel?

The worst of all condiments is mayonnaise. Hands down. (Sorry, I seemed to be channeling Larry King for a moment)

Further proof that I am a terrible gambler

Duke 81, Michigan State 74. If it weren't for Wisconsin, the Big Ten would be getting swept five games into this so called ACC/Big Ten Challenge. Speaking of Wisconsin, guard Boo Wade has left the team indefinitely. Try as they might, Scout, Jem and Atticus could not convince him to stay.

So Brilliant, I Wish I'd Thought of It

This might sound crazy, but hear me out. I think Gary Bettman's very quietly planning one of the most fiendishly clever marketing ploys in the history of professional sports. He, like all adult males in the Northern Hemisphere, understands that regular season NHL hockey is only slightly more interesting than watching a 'Murder She Wrote' marathon on the Oxygen network. He also understands that playoff NHL hockey, and more specifically overtime playoff hockey, is one of the most thrilling spectator events known to man.

So, be not surprised when Bettman announces (at halftime of the Kobe/Shaq Xmas afternoon tilt - I cannot believe T.J. hasn't mentioned this yet) that the NHL will in fact return this season, only in the form of a 16-team, overtime-only, best-of-7 tournament. Everybody wins - the league, because they get to market the only good thing they've got going; the players, because they get to stop shaving again for a few weeks; the fans, because, well, because it's overtime playoff hockey, dammit; and Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, Barry Melrose, and the Moose Jaw Mullet Factory because they get to be gainfully employed for at least a few weeks.

Genius, I'm telling you. Now if I could only get those morons at the BCS to return my calls.

Lifetime: Television for Idiots

The MNF game barely kept me entertained last night, but a few things stuck out:
- Besides being known as the guy Warren Sapp absolutely blindsided/pancaked, isn't Chad Clifton Andy Kauffman's alter ego on stage?
- OK, come on R-Kal Truluck, what's your real name? He's gotta be the pride of SUNY Cortland.
- Didn't Steven Seagal kill Al Harris and, in a shocking plot twist (wink, wink), his evil twin at the end of Marked for Death?

ACC/Big Ten Challenge continues tonight with 4 games. Look for Michigan State to go on the road and upset a thin and overrated (in my humble opinion) Duke squad tonight. And look for me to quickly delete that sentence tomorrow morning if Duke wins by 30.

Ty Willingham got canned today. If you listen hard enough, you can hear Ralph Wiley ranting from six feet under, and if Jason Whitlock can clean the Funyon and Twinkie crumbs off his keyboard, I give it 18 hours before his first pro-Ty article is posted. Hell, Stephen A. Smith just polished off a 1,500 word column for tomorrow's Philadelphia Inquirer, complete with references to Denny Green, Dolemite, and Greg Anthony's mother.

Man does work suck after a 5 day weekend

Was I in a food coma, or is Barry Pepper (a sublime Roger Maris) playing Dale Earnhardt in ESPN's "3"? I could've sworn the first time ESPN trotted out these commercials (4 months ago), George Eads from CSI was playing Earnhardt. Did they dump his ass and re-film the movie? Am I crazy? Does anyone either know what I'm talking about or care? Bueller...Bueller...

If you're looking for a good laugh on this Monday morning, check out this quote from Ricky Williams, pulled from Peter King's MMQB:
"At least I quit before all the fantasy drafts. Let's face it: If I'd quit after the drafts, the fans would all hate me." -- Ricky Williams, talking to SI.com's Mike Silver.

GTB's "Gheorghe of the Week" - Let's give it to Syracuse "back-up" RB "Neil" Diamond Ferri (CFB Name of the Year?), who absolutely dropped the hammer on Boston College Saturday. Ferri is actually the Cuse's starting SS, and when pressed into action Saturday at RB, he ran for 140 yards, 2 scores, and even threw in an interception return for a TD in the 43-17 throttling of the Eagles (and yes, because I was at home in lovely Latham, NY, I saw every minute of this game). Syracuse Coach Paul Pasqualoni said the kid was on the field for 125 snaps (and he might've saved Paul's job in the process). Well done Diamond. Well done.

The NHL? What's that? If you were curious what you're favorite hockey player is up to, a couple of updates for you: Darren McCarty is touring with his Detroit-based rock band, Grinder. If you're in Sault Ste. Marie Friday night maybe you can catch them. Chris Chelios is now a member of the Greek bobsled team. I didn't make that up. Seriously.

My only reader west of the Mississippi (in Eugene, OR no less) will be very disappointed to learn that the customers at the Latham Farms McDonald's now make the "cast" of Cops look like Mensa members. There apparently is also a new hiring policy requiring two front teeth to be missing on all cashiers (must be a Christmas season thing). The Union Station McD's now has some competition for worst McDonald's in the United States.

Whit (and Jerry), enjoy the Pedro Martinez Era at Shea.

As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly

Thanksgiving ahoy. Enjoy the much needed days off, and obscene amounts of food...

Just over a year ago, Rob Russell started this blog, giving himself something to do in the baseball offseason, and thankfully giving me something to do other than ponder suicide at work. In honor of Thanksgiving, a thank you to Ye Ole Red Sox Fan, and a brief GTB history lesson. (I mean, is this as bad as those sitcom flashback episodes? Hmm, perhaps...) In light of the Malice at the Palace and the Clemson/South Carolina melee, sports are taking a beating in both the media and the court (and gridiron) of public opinion. That's why we need Gheorghe, or at least more like him. I'll let Rob take this (this post was written just over a year ago)...

"Mission Statement, or What's a Gheorghe, and Why Should I Care?

I don't trust anyone that can't laugh at himself. I think that Crash Davis was dead on, right up until he started talking about Susan Sontag, at which point I tuned out. I'm hopelessly addicted to the Boston Red Sox, even though I know it's not good for me. I believe that sports, like society at large, is full of self-important, egomaniacal windbags at all levels, and I intend to use this space to tilt at the windmills that threaten to suck all of the joy out of the things that I love.

This space is named, with love, for the most fun athlete ever to draw a paycheck from a professional franchise. Gheorghe Muresan, late of the Washington Bullets and New Jersey Nets, stood 7'7" and weighed 330+ pounds. He shuffled around a basketball court like a slightly more mobile version of Frankenstein's monster, with a splay-footed gait and elbows and knees that flailed about as if independently operated. His face was a Mr. Potato Head set gone bad, with a massive, bulbous nose, thick eyebrows, and a prominent forehead that betrayed his pituitary disease. He played a handful of NBA seasons with a modicum of success, being honored as the NBA's Most Improved Player in 1997-98. Most importantly, though, he played basketball and approached life with a pure, unadulterated joy that was, and is, unmatched by any other professional athlete.

Gheorghe's spirit and the joy with which he appears to approach life offer lessons for all of us about the important things. This space will celebrate those in sports and elsewhere that live with Gheorgheness, and skewer those that think they are more important than the game - be it sports or life. Gheorghe: The Internet Magazine, had a brief, meteoric run several years ago, flaming to earth in a blaze of apathy amidst rampant rumors of financial mismanagement. Gheorghe: The Blog rises like a phoenix from the ashes, or at least like a Weeble, to carry on the Gheorghian mission.

GTB's diminutive wordsmith continues with examples...
To borrow - liberally - from a much more accomplished man, I can't define Gheorgheness, but I know it when I see it. Jon Stewart's got a whole heaping mound of Gheorgheness. Dan Snyder (or, as he'll come to be known in this space, Little Danny Starfucker) is the antithesis of Gheorghe. John Riggins has a PhD in Gheorgheness. George Will is a George, but not a Gheorghe. Yao's a little bit Gheorghy, but Kobe's not. Kevin Millar teaches Gheorghe 101 in Boston, but Roger Clemens flunked out of the course. Emeril Lagasse seems to know which wine goes best with Gheorghe. Mark Cuban's thinking about making Gheorghe an honorary Maverick.

I can't think of a single politician with Gheorgheness, though Dennis Kucinich is really funny-looking. Stewart Scott aspires to Gheorgheness, but he's so fake that he can't pull it off. Rich Eisen can, though. Too bad he's dead. Well, taken a job at the NFL Network - 6 one, 1/2 dozen the other. Dennis Miller used to be chock full of hearty Gheorgheness, then he took a hard right turn and became a caricature. Michael Moore is so far from Gheorghe that he might as well be a short, fat, humorless troll. Oh. That simile ran smack into the wall of reality, didn't it?

Jack Black is the high priest of Gheorghe, attended by his happy alcolyte, Jeremy Piven. But not by John Favreau, David Spade, or Colin Quinn. The Kids in the Hall gaily genuflect to Gheorghe while they get Girl Drink Drunk. Sting's got more anti-Gheorghe in his pinky than Bruce Springsteen does in his whole family, though, to be sure, I still like both of their music. And speaking of music, the Wiggles are thinking about making Gheorghe a new recurring character - Greg will pull him out of the magic hat."

Why the hell am I posting all this now? Is it because I wanted to post something before the long holiday weekend and was completely bereft of original thoughts? Quite possibly. However, I also felt it might be time to start highlighting the Gheorgheness (damn that's a pain in the ass to spell) in the world, be it sports or anything else. Sounds like a good plan, no? (I mean, there's no chance I can stick to it, but what the hell)

I Don't Want Your Life

Protester causes melee at DC baseball name unveiling

Mon Nov 22 2004 13:00:00 ET

Baseball's big party got thrown a curveball before it even began. Officials from the sports world and the city government were in Union Station today to confirm what was already widely known -- that the Expos are being re-named the Washington Nationals. But before the media event got underway, D-C Statehood Green Party member Adam Eidinger jumped onto the stage holding a sign protesting Mayor Tony Williams' planned stadium deal. Eidinger was jumped by several men, including former Washington Senators announcer Charlie Brotman. A tussle ensued, and the podium nearly fell over, before security managed to drag Eidinger off stage.

Can't we all just get along?

It could be worse, his first name could be Kermit

So Ron Artest went and got himself suspended for the rest of the season, 73 games I think. I have nothing of substance to add, except that Ron just ended up killing my fantasy team. A 5th round steal, I drafted Ron to team up with such mental heavyweights as Gilbert Arenas, Bonzi Wells, and Zach Randolph. Artest was going to be the stabilizer. Now the team has no leader. It's a good thing I could care less about this league. That still won't stop me from bitching though.

Can I get a restock on Soap Boxes in Aisle 4?

Wow, if people thought the T.O. MNF skit garnered alot of attention, man are they in for a long fortnight. That Pacers/Pistons fiasco last night is going to get beaten to death by the media. I've watched alot of sports in my life, and that is by far the most ridiculous fight I have ever seen. Unreal.

(Quick aside - Nice of the South Carolina players to send Lou Holtz off in style. Good work fellas, Lou seemed mighty proud after the game.)

Food for Thought

Has anyone noticed that TJ Simspon just hasn't been the same carefree blogger since sometime in late October? Something changed him irreversibly. He's grown up and become a more responsible, serious, and unfortunately for Gheorghe, cyncial man. The rite of passage I speak of is, of course, his Yankees getting demoralized in a way we will likely never see any baseball franchise be demoralized ever again. That event seems to have wiped out the cheery spark that infiltrated every one of TJ's posts. He just isn't the same guy.

Oh, yeah, and he got engaged then, too. But I tend to think it's the Yankee thing.

The wheels on the bus go Garth, Garth, Garth

Now that, folks, is a joke for 2, back left, right by the kitchen. Menus please.

For my money, there is no better sitcom Thanksgiving episode than WKRP in Cincinnati's immortal "Turkey's Away" episode. Putting aside Gordon Jump's later role as a "very bad toucher" on Different Strokes, there is nothing funnier than Big Guy Carlson delivering the line "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly".

Is there any reason the Arizona Wildcats shouldn't immediately be absorbed by the NBA? Have you seen these guys play? This is the most athletically gifted and mentally challenged group south of the Blazers.

The 'Cuse looked great in the second half last night. Just wait until they have to enter the hallowed halls of the Pepsi "Don't Call Me Knickerbocker" Arena to play the Siena Saints in a week. Game on.

"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, or "Here I Go Again" by Whitesnake?

I saw a great bumper sticker yesterday - WWBBJD - What Would Big Baby Jesus Do?
(OK, I made that last one up)

McBad, and very McLate

I guess I'm both ripping off the SportsGuy's Daily Link column and trying to pretend I have readers, but anyway, a few thought provoking items have been sent via electronic mail to me lately...

Hell, if the Reunion tour can't work, training to be a paramedic is obviously the logical next step. Thanks to Nashville's only Black Sabbath fan for the tale of Diamond Dave becoming Defibrillator Dave .

Feel's like a Hardee's night? Well, if you're feeling mighty ambitious (and perhaps suicidal), try Steve's favorite snack, the "Monster Thickburger" - two 1/3-pound slabs of Angus beef, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered sesame seed bun - for only $5.49. This sold it for me:
In an interview on CNBC, Hardee's chief executive Andrew Puzder was unapologetic, saying the company's latest sandwich is "not a burger for tree-huggers."

For the record, I have absolutely, positively no desire to see Pedro Martinez as a New York Yankee, and I hope to god someone still has the power to keep George from signing him.

His name is Robert Paulson

Actually, I lied. His name is Steve Spurrier, and he is the new head football coach for the South Carolina Gamecocks. Steve, try not to trip over Lou Holtz's corpse on the way to your new office.

Is that Laron Profit's music?

The Wiz and Celts provided some quality entertainment last evening. Hated to see a Wiz victory in OT, but it is safe to say the Celtics have the worst shot selection of any team in the NBA. It was good to see that Tommy Googs is still alive, though his game is not. Ricky Davis, the huddle is this way pal, stop watching the Wiz dancers and wasted dudes on tricycles during time outs.

The highlight of the night though was seeing this blog's namesake sitting courtside. His face didn't even fit on the Jumbotron. Seriously. Gheorghe is the best.

Nice Sports Town for Us

Washingtonpost.com is running a brutal poll on its site asking voters to select which pro team will win the next championship in Washington. The obvious choice is the D.C.United, who picked up another MLS trophy yesterday, though only 55.6% of the 20,000+ voters targeted the United. Somehow, 43.9% (9,180 votes) believe the Caps will bring home the next title. Yes, that'd be the Washington Capitals, who may never play another game again. Beyond that, it's comical enough to make me think the numbers are screwed up. The Skins, despite playing in the parity-filled, up-and-down NFL, garnered just 39 votes (0.2%), probably because it's fresh in people's minds how awful they are, plus the Curse of Snyder. The Expos/Nationals received 33 votes, which seems optimistic in this era of baseball economics. The Mystics got 24 votes, which pretty much mirrors the number of fans at the last Mystics game. And then there are the Wizards . . . 6 votes, a Blutarsky-like percentage of 0.0. It's funny 'cause it's true, to quote a certain H. Simpson from Springfield.

Shortest post ever

R.I.P. O.D.B.

No the white phone

Attention Mike Swint: The McRib is back. I repeat, the McRib is back.

Why was Chuck Amato dressed like Starsky last night?

Hey Pierce Brosnan, saw your preview last night, and it looked OK. Unfortunately, I already saw it the first time, when it was called The Thomas Crown Affair (a very good, very underrated movie by the way).
That last barb was written by guest blogger David Spade.

The O.C. now just steals porn scenes? How fast can we rid ourselves of this lawn boy? How quickly can Whitney post a comment ripping the O.C.?

Quick show of hands - Who else liked Mr. Belvedere?

Um, we have the TV on at work right now, and if you haven't seen the absolute mob scene (and I do mean mob) over Arafat's body, find a way to see these pictures. Worst funeral procession ever.

Gee, who do you think has the edge in the Michael Jackson/Eminem war of words?

Bad Idea Jeans

Normally I wear protection, but then I thought, "When am I gonna make it back to Haiti?"...

Yep, you guessed it, expansion has come to Gheorghe. I've added a few links to the right, an eccentric group if ever there was one. Greg, so far, has Duffman saying very little. Whitney apparently doesn't have enough free time at work, so he waxes poetic about bands I've never heard of. Ah yes, and finally, Yoni, welcome aboard. Keep the college hoops coming, and how about an occasional "Billy Packer Sucks" post. That would be super. Hell, what's Chandy's blog? I'll throw her on here as well.

I'm so pissed I could kill someone

I am not a big fan of Blogger deleting very long posts I have just written. Speaking of killing someone...I haven't really touched on this yet because I'm not quite sure where I would put him in my Pantheon of Murderers (Whitney is cringing right now), but has anyone been following the Scott Peterson trial? It's an absolute circus as this point. Lance Ito ran a tighter ship than Judge Alfred Delucchi. If Johnnie Cochran and the Dream Team made you squirm, Peterson's attorney Mark Geragos is going to make you peel your skin off. In the last two days, two jurors have been dismissed, with yesterday's dismissal being the foreman. What a debacle.

I just ran across this too - good lord:
In another strange turn, a 14-foot boat similar to the one owned by Peterson has appeared in a parking lot about two blocks from the courthouse on property that CNN contributor Nancy Grace said is owned by Geragos.
Inside the boat, there are four cement weights, a weight belt and a headless dummy. Signs have been taped to the side of the boat -- one says, "RIP Laci and Conner You Are Missed," while another reads, "Murderer! Murderer!"

Juice, don't look now, but you've got some competition.

I knew I drafted this guy for a reason

Ron Artest is truly a piece of work. As it turns out, his current two game suspension by Coach Rick Carlisle was caused by Artest asking for some time off to rest up...for his rap album publicity tour. Two gems from Ron's press conference:

"Everything that happened wasn't too negative. I kind of surprised the team by wanting to take some games off..."
"They probably expected a little more; expected me to play every game. Everybody's different."

Now, I will give him that the NBA regular season is a huge joke, but still, come on buddy. How can you not expect people to jump on you for this? I guess the bigger question is whether Fu-Schnickens (yep, I looked up the spelling on that) gets any run on this album?

Welcome to the O.C., Bitch

This is how it's done in Orange County...
COSTA MESA, Calif. (AP) -- Seven-time NBA rebounding champion Dennis Rodman signed a contract with the Orange County Crush of the American Basketball Association on Wednesday.

I mean, does this sound appealing to anyone?

The cafeteria at work sells something called Aunt Flo's Country Fudge. Everytime I am at the register I don't know whether to laugh or vomit.

Jerry already took this one, but did anyone see the highlights of that Nets/Blazers shoot-out last night? Good god, what a debacle. The SportsCenter anchors were contractually obligated to mention that this game "set basketball back 50 years".

Right now I think I am leaning towards Tendercrisp over Spicy Tendercrisp in an 8th Round TKO.

Why do people say they're confused by the plot of "Mission: Impossible"? Is there something complex in there I completely missed? Does Coach Kilmer throw them off? Maybe it's because the last time they saw Kittridge he was deleting files from Jack Ryan's PC?

The 2004-2005 Men's College Basketball Season kicks off tomorrow night, and I couldn't be more excited. Three top 25 teams are in action, including the 6th-ranked Syracuse Orangemen (I refuse to call them the Orange) playing hated rival Northern Colorado. Should be epic. The Orangemen return Hakim Warrick, Gerry McNamara, Billy Edelin (he had an odd year last year), huge white stiff Craig Forth (finishing up the Jess Settles 8-year plan), and Wheelhouse fav Louie "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue" McCroskey, plus some others I've forgotten here. Cuse is one of about 12 teams with a chance to be cutting down the nets in St. Louis. Someone get Dickie V a sedative.

For my money, no one does a better Larry King impression than Larry King himself at 2:15am on Election Night. I thought Wolf Blitzer was going to hit him with a steel chair. (Yeah, this joke is a week old, but get over it)

Puff puff, give. Puff puff, give...

...You're fuckin' up the rotation - To Quincy Carter, who is about 2 weeks away from completely fuckin' up the Jets playoff chances. And no, I'm not bitter at all about that loss to the Bills.

Now that is a refreshing beverage...

SEATTLE--Nov. 8, 2004--Jones Soda Co. announces today its limited edition holiday pack of five new seasonal flavors which includes: Green Bean Casserole Soda, Mashed Potato & Butter Soda, Fruitcake Soda, Cranberry Soda and Turkey & Gravy Soda.

I'm pretty sure the Turkey & Gravy Soda will ensure the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny Fucking Kaye.

Wally, George O'Leary is on the phone for you

Wally Backman was manager of the Arizona Diamondbacks for less than a week.
The Arizona Republic reported on its Web site Friday that Backman, who got the job on Monday, had been fired.

Boy, that Jeff Moorad is sure running a smooth operation out West. And to think, they've now missed out on hiring Charlie Manuel. What a shame.

Can I help you Officer?

LONG BEACH, California (Ticker) - Olden Polynice, a 17-year NBA veteran who was waived last February by the Los Angeles Clippers, was named player-coach of the Long Beach Jam of the American Basketball Association on Friday.

By the way, I'm pretty sure this post is only funny to me. It wouldn't be the first.

Bring him home Sandy, Bring him home...

Poor Whitney's head is going to explode, as I am sure there will be much to read about the O.C. today. I will leave the analysis to the internet's resident TV addict, Michael Jack, over on Hot Action (or, if he continues to be lazy, the boys at the Wheelhouse). Needless to say, the O.C. is back, and I am happily along for the ride. Whit, it'll be my pleasure to discuss the plot intricacies with you over a few Coors Light. I hear the Silver Bullet is "The Coldest Tasting Beer in the World."

In other Thursday night news, I'm really sick of watching these boring Louisville games. How about a little something for the effort fellas?

T.O., Baby!

Terrell Owens played the double murder card on Ray Lewis yesterday in the wake of the Ravens' linebackers complaints about Owens' Lewis-mocking end zone dance on Sunday. To which I say, about goddamn time. The NFL's glorification of Lewis annoys me to no end, with their celebration of his faux-warrior mentality and his over the top dogs-in-the-house, look-at-me-I'm-colorful persona. Let's be very clear here: Ray Lewis was - at the very least - involved in a senseless double murder. Maybe he didn't actually shove the knife into the victims, but he was there, and he knew who killed them, and he covered it up...until he rolled over to protect himself. Like a little bitch. Good for you, T.O.

This Is Me

I've found my new milieu: the Comments field. Once inspired to spew out focused essays with some semblance of a point (MLC just garnered its 500th post in the World Series), I'm now relegated to misguided cameo appearances on other people's vehicles, firing dim-witted, pseudo-clever attempts at humor which miss more than hit. Now looking my age, what was funny because of its faux-snobbery is now sadly smarmy. Ladies and gentleman, in the blog world . . . I am Chevy Chase.

This is why I don't do introspection. I'm better off thinking I'm the funniest, most brilliant addition to any site. Which, of course, I am.

Taking the bait

MLC co-founder and GTB contributor Whitney seemed sad and disappointed in today's Monday Musings. I'll bite. Real Simple subscriber Jennifer Wilson (otherwise known as the BH) will be dropping some dough on Martha Stewart's Wedding magazine in the next 12 months, as I asked her to marry me last Thursday evening. She kindly accepted. For the sake of my bank account, I hope we plan a wedding proportional to the amount of people who read this drivel. Now back to your regularly scheduled nonsense.

Monday Musings

These are in no particular order, and in fact, they might not even be funny or interesting, but oh well:

*I might hate T.O., but I got a big laugh out of the faux Ray Lewis dance. Now I just wonder if Ray will kill him. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

*Is Pedro Martinez gay, or at least leaning that way? I mean, what the hell was that dance he was doing with a cape on? A cape? I know he's "eccentric", but cape dances are just a tad fruity to me.

*I found Hell on Earth, and it's the Best Buy on Route 1. Worst Place Ever. Trained animals could run a tighter ship.

*Special thanks to my co-worker Chris for letting me steal his costume idea Saturday night. Roy Horn has never looked better, or bloodier (Hmm, if Pedro's gay for wearing a cape, am I gay for dressing like Roy Horn?)

*I guess there's a theme developing here, because it's almost college hoops time, and I am really looking forward to the Rudy Gay Era at UConn.

*OK, I can't help myself. If Ty Law is going to miss any time, he will be replaced in the lineup by Randall Gay. I heard he's great at tight man-to-man coverage.