Thursday, March 05, 2009

Have You Heard About the Lonesome Losers?

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'
Oooooooh-hooooooo-hoooooooOooooooh-ooooooh-hoooooooo


As we celebrate Cinco de Marzo, the staff of G:TB feels compelled to point out that there are still two Division I NCAA men's basketball teams without conference wins. Allow us to enlighten you with tales of their putridity.

1) Southeast Missouri State University
3-27 overall, 0-18 in Ohio Valley Conference play

The school's motto is "Experience Southeast...Experience success." The basketball team never got that memo. Their weak "Play the best you can" motto is visible in their team photo above. The Redhawks have officially gone quietly into that good night, showing no ability to rage against the dying of the light.

There are very few interesting things to say about this squad, but we'll try. Their roster features a tremendous array of first names (I'm looking at you Kenard, Jaycen, Bijon, LaMont, Israel and Jajuan). They lost their last 19 games in a row, by an average of 14 points. And they are located in bucolic Cape Girardeau, Missouri. And yes, the school's motto is partially italicized.

2) DePaul
8-22 overall, 0-17 in Big East play

Dallas Comegys is rolling over in his grave at the play of the Blue Demons this season. Or grimacing while working at a Chicago Arby's. Same goes for Wilson Chandler, so upset by his alma mater's play that he cancelled today's appointment for neck tattoo number seven. Last night's loss to West Virginia leaves DePaul with one last conference game to close out this season - a visit to Georgetown this Saturday. While the Hoyas' play of late has been fitful enough to cause paranoia among the fan base, we feel that G-Town will come up big in this game.

So both these schools should sing the Little River Band's seminal hit, Lonesome Loser, to themselves as they cry themselves to sleep in the months ahead. Judging by the band's photo below, these guys are intimately familiar with what it means to be a loser.

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'
Oooooooh-hooooooo-hoooooooOooooooh-ooooooh-hoooooooo

Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

Unlucky in love
Least that's what they say
He lost his head
And he gambled his heart away
He still keeps searching
Though there's nothing left
Staked his heart and lost
Now he has to pay the cost

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'

"It's okay", he smiles and says
Though this loneliness is driving him crazy
He don't show what goes on in his head
But if you watch very close you'll see it all
Sit down, take a look at yourself
Don't you want to be somebody
Someday somebody's gonna see inside
You have to face up, you can't run and hide

Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Beaten by the queen of hearts every time
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
He's a loser, but he still keeps on tryin'
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Have you heard about the lonesome loser
Now tell me have you heard about the lonesome loser

54 comments:

TJ said...

Wow, Jerry Jones actually released T.O.

Soooooo, over/under on how quickly he becomes a Skin? 12 hrs? 24?

rob said...

we may have found the silver lining to little danny starfucker's profligate ways - no money left to pay t.o.

TJ said...

Yeah, we've heard that before. Just keep telling yourself that.

Mark said...

You're so naive, Rob. Snyder will find a way. He always finds a way.

Also, Southeast Missouri State's uni's look like they belong to some second rate AAU team.

rob said...

oh, i'm quite aware of the naivete of my thinking.

big ups to st. olaf, patron saint of the naive.

rob said...

the citadel is dangerously close to breaking out of the gang of 5 - the schools that have been playing college hoops since the advent of division 1 in 1947-48 with nary a single trip to the big dance. can you name the other 4?

Mark said...

Nice Golden Girls reference, Rob, you fucking old midget.

rob said...

what the fuck are you talking about?

rob said...

and if you found a golden girls reference somewhere in there, it might mean you're gay. or worse, that you watched the golden girls.

TJ said...

I think Betty White's character is from St. Olaf*

*This message sent while jamming my head in a toilet for knowing that

TJ said...

Well, I know two - our beloved Wrens and Northwestern.

Mark said...

Sure, Rob, you don't watch Golden Girls re-runs every night with your tapioca pudding while you lay in bed. Yep, we're all believing that.

TJ said...

rob sleeps in the bottom dresser drawer.

TJ said...

I see Shaq reacted as defensively as humanly possible to SVG's flop comment the other night:

"I heard his comment. Flopping to me is doing it more than one time, and I realized when I tried to take the charge, as I went down, I realized that that play reminded me of his whole coaching career," O'Neal said of Van Gundy. "And one thing I really despise is a front-runner, so I know for a fact that he's a master of panic, and when it gets time for his team to go in the postseason and do certain things, he will let them down because of his panic. I've been there before, I've played for him."

rob said...

i wouldn't watch golden girls reruns with bea arthur's dick.

tapioca pudding, though. mmmmm.

TJ said...

That joke never gets old. Unlike poor Betty White, who must be 90 by now.

TJ said...

The mention of Stormy Daniels the other day has led to an interesting mix of ghoogle searches lately...

TR said...

Betty White has a supporting role in a new romantic comedy starring Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock. They previewed it before Tropic Thunder on the DVD. She had a couple funny lines. And she hasn't lost anything from her fastball. Quite a handsome woman.

Bullock is about 10 years older than Reynolds. She's old enough to be his wife's mother. They couldn't find anybody younger?

rob said...

the broncos have signed lamont jordan, jj arrington, and corell buckhalter. are they planning to run the single wing?

TR said...

GE's CFO is in a conference room on my floor, about 15 feet from me.

Unfortunately, Don Geiss and Jack Donaghy are not with him.

TJ said...

Those three get to rotate the tissue holding for Cry Baby Cutler.

rob said...

alec baldwin gets a lot of run these days, and i still submit that his genius is underrated.

Whitney said...

Little River Band -- sneaky Australian. They never flaunted their Aussie-ness like Men At Work and more recent bands. As such, they never contracted any STD's during their heyday, which is downright embarrassing.

Also known for their tunes "Happy Anniversary" (now available in Hallmark song-cards) and "Reminiscing" (Yacht Rock extraordinaire), the Little River Band was not a 70's one-hit wonder.

For 20 points and a G:TB-embroidered cardigan sweater, who can tell me what Australia city the Little River Band hails from?

Hint: There have been many Seinfeldian full circles of late.

rob said...

well then, it would be melbourne.

or port (bea) arthur.

Whitney said...

Melbourne it is. And Rob wins the cardigan, which means we save money on yarn.

rob said...

whoa. espn deportes reporting that arod needs hip surgery, out until at least may.

Whitney said...

You sure your EspaƱol is up to snuff? Last time you watched ESPN Deportes, you told me that John Riggins had been killed in a brewery explosion. Turned out he killed 10 beers and belched.

TR said...

By "hip" they mean "vagina."

Where does A-Rod go in a fantasy baseball draft if he is only healthy for 120 games?

I can't wait until 2017, when he's no longer a Yankee. Fuuuuuuck.

Whitney said...

Also, does anyone else find the name ESPN Deportes kind of off? I mean, "Deport" -- the English term -- is the word a lot of the folks who likely watch that channel fear most. Despite its Spanish interpretation, it seems wrong. It's like naming a kids' sports channel ESPN Monster Under Your Bed.

TR said...

A lot of Mexican and Latino immigrants would welcome deportation these days. Things are so bad in the US of A that migrant workers are heading back home. They can no longer bank cash and ship it home. Getting deported would save them the cost of a one-way ticket home.

A friend of a high-school friend was a border agent. The agents called Mexicans "tonks" because that was the noise it made when you hit them in the head with your Mag-Lite flashlights. Toby Keith would like that story.

rob said...

wow...um...what?

rob said...

i've been reflecting on the t.o. situation, and i've had a bit of an epiphany. i want him on the redskins.

the burgandy and gold will likely be no better than mediocre this year, so i want entertainment. i want a conflagration of a clusterfuck of a disaster. i want to see it all burned to the ground around little danny starfucker. i want sowing and then reaping.

is that so much to ask?

S P said...

You can have him. Good riddance. And a 'Skins fan should know how to spell 'burgundy'.

rob said...

this is a reasonable point, sp. consider me appropriately chastened. our coach thinks the team's primary color is maroon, so i give myself a bit of latitude.

Jerry said...

Forever in blue jeans....do the best you can...

rob said...

in the absence of contradictory evidence, i choose to believe that sp is journey's steve perry. and that's awesome.

rob said...

still waiting on 2 more all-time lonesome losers, schools that's haven't made the dance since 1947-48. teej got the tribe and northwestern.

Whitney said...

Isn't there a St. Francis of somewhere? This trivia question comes up every year on G:TB (right about when the Tribe misses the tourney yet again), and still I can't remember them.

TJ said...

Yes, yes it does...and I think Army is on this list.

Geoff said...

St. Copiuos of Northern...

I do not share Rob's sentiments on TO. Its funny, but the LEAST desirable scenario for me would be the Skins getting TO and the winning the Super Bowl. Makes me want to vomit. Luckily, I won't have to worry about that...and I don't think they'll sign him anyways. Not how Danny works. Danny wants to be loved (but clearly sucks at that) and he knows going after TO won't make Skinsnation happy.

Whitney said...

So, who got laid the least in the band picture above?

The easy pick is the goober with the spectacles and the beard who reeks of keyboard player, but I'll take the dude top-center with the bouffant hair-do, the sweater vest, and the uneasy smile that says, "I'd really rather be doing someone's taxes."

Jerry said...

Well...I'm gonna need some beer.

rob said...

ad hoc jerry living up to his name. or looking to become non sequitur jerry.

st. francis (ny) and army are correct, sirs.

TR said...

The guy in the sweater vest really would be the lost link between the LRB and the founders of Microsoft (for those of you who remember that classic photo).

I'm betting that the guy with chest hair like Les Grossman probably carried (and did) the most coke, so he probably hogged all of the chicks.

TJ said...

This is my bias creeping in, but I think you're selling the guy with the kickin' Hawaii shirt way short.

TJ said...

And yes, before you ask, my bias is my love of men in Hawaiian shirts. Magnum gives me wet dreams.

rob said...

i think the dude at far right may be a roadie that wandered into the picture.

TJ said...

rob, can't be, you know they only come out when the seats are all empty, that's when they take the stage, pack it up and tear it down.

That guy is the first to come and the last to leave, working for that minimum wage...

rob said...

seriously tight battles on day 2 of the cauc hop. these guys really want to win.

TJ said...

The Sparxxxxxxxxxxx/Markie Dee matchup was a bloodbath.

rob said...

vmi into the big south final against the radford/asheville winner. gtb endorses the duggar baucom's keydets.

in related mid-major news, teejay and i will be attending the patriot league final on 3/13 should american win its semifinal against army and host the championship. anyone else who wants to go should email one of us.

Whitney said...

When VMI gives up a key basket down the stretch, does the play-by-play guy say "Duggar!"?

rob said...

it's pronounced 'dooger', which is all the more reason to root for vmi.

TJ said...

Rob just likes rooting for the Johnny Holmes twins...