Tuesday, March 03, 2009

We Wish We Were Clever Enough to Make This Up

We had such an overwhelming reaction to our analysis of Bobby Jindal's response to the not-so-State of the Union address that we're returning to the well of Louisiana politics this morning. Our topic today, the state's 2010 Senate election.

Somewhere (New York, I'm guessing) Jon Stewart's writers are having a series of simultaneous and massive strokes as they try to channel the torrent of comedic ideas issuing forth from the Bayou State. The battle lines have been drawn, the stage set for an epic battle between good and evil - or more accurately put, between the absurd and the ridiculous.

In the pink lingerie corner, the incumbent, David Vitter. The Republican Senator is noteworthy primarily for his very public penchant for paying for sex. As this is a family blog (and Vitter's lady of choice insists that he "was not a freak. He was not into anything unusual or kinky or weird" - all of which confuses me, as I thought the religious right were all secretly freaky-deakies), decorum insists that we not get into the sordid details.

Our next contestant, the lovely and talented Stormy Daniels (Google her if you must - I'm not sullying G:TB's pristine environment with any of the extremely NSFW links available. Did you guys know there's pictures of naked ladies on the internets?). Ms. Daniels, an honest-to-God pornographic actress, recently expressed her intent to challenge Mr. Vitter for the chance to represent the good people of Louisiana. We're not sure of her platform, but anyone who chose her stage name as an homage to the daughter of Motley Crue's Mick Mars is okay with us.

Finally, the straight man to the previous two candidates (allegedly - see above comment regarding the sexuality of Republicans), Family Research Council President Tony Perkins. The ultra-socially conservative Perkins is noteworthy for his opposition to civil unions or marriage for same sex partners and his affinity for candy cigarettes. (Last part possibly untrue.) But he looks very senatorial, which is certain to help him in this race.

Praise the Lord and pass the porn. We're pulling up our beach chairs and settling in for the show. G:TB will keep you apprised of the twists and turns in this sure-to-be gloriously absurd political carnival. Assuming we survive D.C.'s first Armegeddeon-style snowstorm of the season.

47 comments:

TJ said...

Courtesy of Married Jerry:

On Monday, a league source advised us that the new regime in Cleveland -- known lovingly in league circles as "ManKok" -- would likely be interested in Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler as an alternative to Derek Anderson and/or Brady Quinn

Whitney said...

Mick Mars. One handsome fellow.

TJ said...

Hey, more McNugget talk:

MARCH 3--Angered that her local McDonald's was out of Chicken McNuggets, a Florida woman called 911 three times to report the fast food "emergency." Latreasa Goodman, 27, last Saturday called police to complain that a cashier--citing a McDonald's all sales are final policy--would not give her a refund. When cops responded to the restaurant, Goodman told them, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one." Goodman noted, "I called 911 because I couldn't get a refund, and I wanted my McNuggets," according to the below Fort Pierce Police Department report. That logic, however, did not keep cops from citing Goodman for misusing the 911 system. Even after being issued a misdemeanor citation, Goodman contended, "this is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency."

TR said...

Mick Mars belongs in the same club as the Police's Andy Summers and Bill Wyman of the Stones - guys who are almost ten years older than the rest of the folks in their band. When you factor in Mars' chronic arthritis and self-destructive habits, it's amazing he can still drag his carcass on a stage these days.

rob said...

the grass roots is heating up, ladies and gentlemen. more than a few people are taking up the fighting wrens mascot banner.

beware this link - it will remind tribe alums of many of the people you're glad you never saw again after you left w&m:

http://wmmascot.wmblogs.net/2009/02/26/cans-and-shoulds/

Marlin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TJ said...

Marlin, don't be afraid, put that comment back up.

Marlin said...

Wow, I forgot all about people like this. . .

Although there are some fantastic ideas hidden in here, there’s a great deal of chaff as well, here are my impressions as a junior who desperately wants her school to rise above insipid mediocrity or criticism by powerful outside groups:

1. While Wrens is precocious, it’s not particularly motivating. Not to mention the muddled history of it’s name–we might not want to hinge our new mascot to a dying misconception–the so-called Wren building was very likely not built by Christopher Wren, although it is similar to his designs, we’ve already committed it to our campus by mimicking his famous sunken gardens out the back-steps of the Wren.

2. ‘Bill and Mare’ or the Lion and Unicorn idea is adorable! But do we really need a further reinforcement of the in-fighting that goes on here? (the mascots will of necessity be the butt of many jokes by comparison to the nursery rhyme about England and Scotlands’ travails. Not something we need to perpetuate!)

Marlin said...

They only thing I fear are my typos and male pattern baldness.

Whitney said...

If you are going to nerd it up like that person did (and boy, did they), you can't have two apostrophic misplacements. That's a rule.

Shlara said...

That other blog is bumming me out. Wish I didn't even look at it...if everyone could be more Gheorghe-like, the world would be a better place.

TJ said...

Anyone else read this and want to Devendorf this "girl"? No, just me?

"...desperatley wants her school to rise above insipid mediocrity or criticism by powerful outside groups..."

rob said...

i desperately want my school to rise above insipid geebliness, but i sure as hell don't see it happening.

rob said...

shlara - that's the mission. we're working on it, one reader at a time.

TJ said...

And Shlara, I certainly don't condone the Devendorfing* of females...except in a case like this.

*I'm now told this is called ChrisBrowining

rob said...

litos suggests the 'seminoles' as the tribe's new nickname. i heartily endorse that, if wrens doesn't make it.

TJ said...

I mean, seriously?

the mascots will of necessity be the butt of many jokes by comparison to the nursery rhyme about England and Scotlands’ travails. Not something we need to perpetuate!

Who the fuck types like that?

rob said...

english major who spends more time in swem than in the delis, for starters.

Mark said...

Seminoles, Rob? Really? I've tried to leave this mascot discussion to the folks that actually attended W&M but you, sir, have gone too fucking far.

jerome said...

Some of us strive for insipid mediocrity. Thanks for bringing me down Marlin.

rob said...

joke, mark.

Marlin said...

Sorry about that insipid mediocre Jerry.

Mark said...

Not funny, Rob.

rob said...

mark, to expand upon the joke, seminoles would be a giant 'fuck you' to the ncaa, who in their infinite wisdom deems the 'tribe' and our feathers to be offensive.

TR said...

Commenter 79 on that blog sure is bitter. And a Family guy fan...

TJ said...

You got me TR.

rob said...

commenter 79 is gonna derail that entire discussion. and cause commenter 51 to need even more therapy than she does now.

TJ said...

Yeah, that commenter 79 is one disruptive force

Whitney said...

I agree with TR. To paraphrase for those who aren't bothering to head over there to Dungeon Master Central, there's ample irony in the fact that the people who eschewed (that's right) sporting events and fun in general in favor of study sessions during their college years are now weighing in most loudly as to what the mascot should be.

Mascots are fun, uptight W&M alums are not.

Mark said...

Rob...this comment should serve as a giant 'fuck you' to you.

rob said...

note to self. mark has no sense of humor when it comes to florida state.

i can appreciate that.

TR said...

Rob: In the name of full disclosure, Mark also has no sense of humor when it comes to Jameer Nelson.

TJ said...

Or warrant-less searches.

Mark said...

I don't really have a sense of humor at all. Unless, of course, we're making gay jokes about Geoff.

Marlin said...

Whit, I agree with you and TRymo.

However, the problem is that that the vast majority of the douchenozzles we shared our freshman halls with would think that their suggestions are "fun". To them, being uptight is fun. Moral outrage over the Wren Cross = fun. Spending saturdays at Swem was fun. Eating stale bread with mayo while discussing Goethe in the company of four fat chicks = UBER fun. Thus, they apply their standards to this debate and we end up with people who only went to W&M hall once (for graduation) trying to come up with an appropriate mascot.

To most W&M students and alums, a Unicorn or some big headed king would be "fun". That is the real shame with where we went to school and why W&M will make a trrrible choice when it comes down to choosing a mascot.

Mark said...

TeeJay should be the mascot. The Stanford Tree's got nothing on him.

TJ said...

I'm in.

Whitney said...

And the mascot is made of McNuggets! See how it all ties together?

TJ said...

I plan on dousing the opponent's mascot with a different dipping sauce each game.

TR said...

I'd rather you soak him in a bucket of urine, Teej.

(assuming that's not one of your dipping choices)

TJ said...

It is now. The McPee. I mean, we'll need 30 sauces, right?

Shlara said...

um, Steinberg over at the Sports Bog is trying to horn in on the mascot discussion...it's no where near as interesting as the G:TB commentary

zoltan said...

How about the W&M Swems? The mascot could be some old philanthropist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earl_Gregg_Swem

zoltan said...

I guess I mean "some old librarian." He could encourage fans to "ssshhh" and carry a big stack of books and a card catalog.

Mark said...

Joba, Wang and C.C. are all sitting courtside at the Magic game. Joba has on Woody Allen style glasses and has been texting on his phone every time the camera shows pans to him.

rob said...

terrrrrrrrrible loss for georgetown.

Greg said...

I AM A FAMOUS HISTORIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 OUTTA MY WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11