Sunday, March 01, 2009

It's Selection Sunday Already . . .

Yesterday marked the close of the 2009 edition of Black History Month, and if it raised even a tiny degree of consciousness within you regarding the epic journey our African-American counterparts have made -- and still are making -- towards true equality, then the month-long tribute is well worth it. For one of my former colleagues in the Federal Government, however, the enlightenment is still several evolutionary stages away.

A few days ago in an unnamed Irish drinkery in our nation's capital, he asked, acknowledging Black History Month and "all those other months other people get" [presumably alluding to Asian Pacific American Heritage Month (May), Hispanic Heritage Month (September/October) and American Indian Heritage Month (November)], "What the hell . . . when's White History Month?"

We explained -- slowly and carefully, as we often have to do with such complicated matters where our Federal Brethren are concerned -- that most folks believe every month to be White History Month, and that most of what comprises U.S. History in schools, books, and the minds of Americans is fairly honky-centric. According to the textbooks we studied once upon a time, African-American history was pretty much comprised of: slaves were freed by Abe Lincoln in 1863, then George Washington Carver invented peanut butter in the 1920's, then Martin Luther King Jr. marched on Washington and the whole Civil Rights thing in the 60's. Native Americans might have an even bigger gripe regarding historical omission.

Meanwhile, the day that Caucasians become the minority, then we can begin clamoring for some recognition of our past. So we explained.

But it got me thinking . . . there are a few examples in American society where pasty European-Americans like myself are indeed still few and far between when it comes to historical contributions. And maybe, for once, my nearly bigoted bar-mate was onto something instead of on something. Maybe there should be a celebration of the few palefaces that have risen to the top as statistical anomalies and cultural phenomena. Maybe this month, March, should offer "mad props" to such outstanding contributors -- and the madness of the props should be measured in contest -- nay, tournament format. Maybe . . . well, there's no maybe, we went ahead and did it.

Gheorghe: The Blog presents for your edification and enjoyment: the new March Madness . . .


The 1st Annual
Caucasian Hip-Hop Artist Invitational

(officially, the CHAI, but most know it as "The Cauc Hop")


In a nutshell, we at DJ G:TB have busted out the illin-est MC's from Kings Road to Queens, from Motown to yo' town. What's the criteria for selection, you ask? Is it an artist or act who has established a place in music history? Innovation? Quality and quantity of discography? Is it just a bad-assed white rapper? Just someone who makes us laugh?

Yes. Pretty much.

Gheorghe: The Selection Committee sat down over a case of St. Ides and several white wine spritzers and pared down the sea of Benny Blancos to just sixteen top acts. The seedings will undoubtedly spark controversy, as will some of the snubbees. But this was the consensus, and this is how it will play out in the 2009 Cauc Hop:

1-Eminem
2-Beastie Boys

3-Kid Rock
4-3rd Bass

5-House of Pain
6-The Streets
7-Paul Wall
8-Bubba Sparxxx
9-Prince Markie Dee
10-Aesop Rock

11-Marky Mark
12-Sage Francis

13-Vanilla Ice
14-Slug
15-Snow

16-Brian Austin Green

Missing the cut: Kid Frost, Delinquent Habits, Jesse Jaymes, David Faustino, Kevin Federline, MC 900 Ft Jesus, Young Black Teenagers, Insane Clown Posse, Joaquin Phoenix, Jamie Kennedy and Weird Al Yankovic (from "Amish Paradise" era).

Rendered ineligible: M.I.A., Cypress Hill, Gerardo, anyone who sort of/kind of raps/sings over normal rock and roll music (sorry, Chilis; sorry, Faith No More)


Over the next week or so you'll watch along as these legendary honk hip-hopsters do battle to determine top dog. We'll preview and recap the tournament step by step, with each of our columnists weighing in along the way.

Get ready. Get fired up. Get . . . fun-ky.

49 comments:

mayhugh said...

I'm guessing the 4-13 matchup was intentional, since the 4 seed is most remembered for a song/video completely ridiculing the 13.

rob said...

mayhugh, the committee looked objectively at the merits of the participants. period.

that said, i cannot believe prince markie dee is a 9 seed. typical large label bias - once again, the mid-major rappers get dissed. ridiculous.

Whitney said...

The 4-13 song in question is appropriate today for at least one line:

"Goes for mine, I goes for mine/
Find the Prime won't eat the green eggs and swine"

Dr. Seuss and Sentence Dave, Happy B-day.

And Monsignor Mayhugh, sometimes the tourney brings these backstory-laden match-ups by chance. It should be a match-up worth watching.

Jerry said...

I'd recommend Sido for next year's tournament. He's German.

The 6/11 matchup is a great contrast of style.

Jerry said...

The name "Sido" is an abbreviation that is spelled as "super intelligentes Drogenopfer“ ("super intelligent drug victim“). However, this is the new interpretation, or backronym, as the name originally meant "Schei├če in dein Ohr“ (Shit into your ear).

Dave said...

no "random idiots"? perhaps a one song rap career is too brief?

Whitney said...

Dave, I pitched it to the Committee -- even sending them a sample of the Idiots' work. No dice.

Apparently there are too many people on the committee content with major label artists and unwilling to give the little guys a chance to shine on the big stage.

Greg said...

What about Sean Paul the white Jamaican?

Jerry said...

Let's hear it for "the committee".

jerome said...

Write something longer next time. I mean, really.

TJ said...

I see Married Jerry has the matrimonial bitterness down quicker than most. Well done grasshopper.

TJ said...

Hey Greg...

The "R" is for "Robert Loggia"...

rob said...

work jerry, whitney writes for the important but underreported 'reads gtb on the shitter' demographic. he's just doing his job.

rob said...

point of clarification: do we call jerome 'work jerry' or 'married jerry'. or are they interchangeable until 'actual jerry' gets 'married'?

Mark said...

I submitted that "Work Jerry" should be renamed "Married Jerry" a couple of weeks back since there's a fairly high chance this blog will have ceased to exist by the time "actual Jerry" gets married.

rob said...

fair enough. i concur.

Mark said...

TJ...the "L" is for "Look everybody, its Robert Loggia".

TJ said...

No offense to College Jerry, but I honestly don't seem him getting married until I leave this Earth, though realistically that could be in months not years based on the way I take care of myself.

TJ said...

Mark...the B is for "By god that’s Robert Loggia"...

Mark said...

IS TJ intimating that Jerry has eyes for his wife?

That's what I'm choosing to believe.

rob said...

i don't think there's really any other way to read that, mark. we've got our own little peyton place here.

TJ said...

Is Peyton Place like Melrose Place you thousand year old piece of dung?

Jerry said...

I will accept Actual Jerry or Awesome Jerry. Other suggestions will be evaluated on an ad hoc basis.

rob said...

peyton place went off the air before i was born, teej. my apologies for having a modicum of cultural awareness. dick.

jerome said...

I submit that College Jerry be referred to as Jerry Jr., Junior, or Baby Jerry.

It's about time we had a serious Jerry conversation on this blog.

Whitney said...

Ad Hoc Jerry. I like that.

Whitney said...

. . . but not to be confused with the King Ad-Hoc, legendary white rapper.

See how it all ties together?

Mark said...

But does Ad Hoc Jerry know the fly spots where they got the champagne?

TJ said...

So, my father is Dad Jerry? And the other guy Married Jerry and I work with is now Work Jerry Deux?

TJ said...

I heard he did grab the piano player and punch him in the face...

Jerry said...

No. I don't.

TJ said...

And by the way, you can't be Actual Jerry, numbnuts.

That would require your name to actually be Jerry. And despite what Sam has convinced the world for the last decade, it is not.

Whitney said...

As long as we're divulging such information, TJ, it should be noted that Tim's name is not actually Rhymenocerous. Which is probably why he changed it. The guilt can drive a man crazy.

"Ad Hoc gets nice with Charlie Chaaaaan..."

TJ said...

Whitney, what you've just typed is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this comments section is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

rob said...

teejay went berserk at work and exploded

TJ said...

Into a thousand McNuggets

Mark said...

The old style McNuggets with dark meat? Because that would be delicious.

Marlin said...

Thaddeus Jimbo O'Doyle Rules.

Whitney said...

How many McNuggets do you suppose it would take to build a life-size replica of TJ a la that gross nugget wedding cake and such? More than 1,000?

rob said...

depends on whether the replica is hollow or not. if not, well over 1,000. it would take 60+ just to make one of his outrageously-shaped flippers.

TJ said...

6,900 nuggets...

Whitney said...

Oh, I think hollow for sure. Solid is just disgusting.

And for his hair we do honey mustard drippings.

TR said...

This thread makes me re-think the phrase "I could really go for a 9-piece."

Mark said...

So the Skins cut Jason Taylor today. That deal really couldn't have worked out much worse.

rob said...

front office by ouija board.

TJ said...

If so, they're channeling the wrong spirits...

zoltan said...

Was TR involved with the selection process? If so, how could you have left out The White Rapper, the radio station kid from W&M who hung out at Sig Ep and made occasional appearances at Unit M?

Dooger and I saw Sage Francis last year. He wasn't too impressive.

TJ said...

It's Senior Night in Austin. I say AJ Abrams drops 40 on Baylor.

TJ said...

Lacedarius.

Not even remotely a name.