Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Round 1, Day 1 Results of the Cauc Hop


We recently posted the brackets to the Caucasian Hip Hop Artist Invitational.

Without further ado, let's update you on the results of today's action.

The first day of battle rappin' brought us these match-ups:


Beastie Boys (2) vs. Snow (15)

Snow never had a chance. The Beasties came into this one smarting after failing to garner the top seed, playing the no respect card from the jump and taking out their disappointment on the lanky Canadian. Three bars into 'Informer', Mike D, MCA, and Ad Rock began blasting away with killer renditions of 'Sabotage', 'Intergalactic', 'Sounds of Science', and 'So What'cha Want'. The b-boys and b-girls from up North were cringing in make-it-stop agony before the first television timeout. Midway through the first half, the Beasties started trading instruments and thrashing their way through deep cuts from 'Some Old Bullshit' - their version of Red Auerbach's cigar.

The second half was a mess, with MCA going off on a Tibetan freedom rant while Ad Rock got stoned with Snow's girlfriend and Mike D filmed crowd scenes for 'Gunnin' for That #1 Spot, Part Deux'.

A no-doubter, this one, with the Beastie Boys leaving plenty in reserve for their Elite Eight matchup.


Paul Wall (7) vs. Aesop Rock (10)

You’ll have a hard time finding a bigger contrast of styles in this year’s first round. While Wall prefers to slow down the pace and grind out victories over his opponents on the strength of his production and the help of numerous guest appearances, Aesop Rock uses a unique flow and unorthodox delivery to take opponents out of their gameplan and leave them scrambling for answers to his style.

In this match-up, Aesop’s lyrical ability and diversity of rhyme styles proves too much for the much more hyped (but significantly less skilled) Houston MC, Wall, who spent most of the game playing catch-up after falling behind in the early going.

Aesop Rock successfully carries the banner for the young upstarts in the Definitive Jux Conference.


Brian Austin Green (16) vs. Eminem (1)

Eminem, perpetrator of the fastest selling hip-hop album of all time. Slim Shady, the biggest, most popular individual Caucasian rapper in history. Marshall Mathers, producer, actor, and controversy-brewing megastar. There's a reason Dre's D-town prodigy is the number one seed.

Brian Austin Green . . . uh, he was David Silver on 90210. According to reports, his hot actress girlfriend dumped him in February. According to rumors, Eminem's new single "Crack a Bottle" was written to depict what Shady was going to do over Green's head. According to anyone who has ever, ever heard Brian Austin Green rap, he's incredibly awful and without even trace amounts of merit. (Even Donna Martin concurs.)

This one was over by "May I have your attention please?"

Eminem quickly and cruelly dispatches of the notorious B.A.G. in record time.


Vanilla Ice (13) vs. 3rd Bass (4)

The editors of G:TB are big fans of 3rd Bass. They had a big run in the late 80's and early 90's, led by the strength of "The Cactus Album." They had a good look, with MC Serch and the Prime Minister (and Barry Pepper imposter) Pete Nice alternating mic duties, while DJ Richie Rich manned the turntables. They were the biggest multi-racial band of their time, and they leveraged their fame by attacking a fellow white appear. They used their powerful single "Pop Goes the Weasel," which sampled Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" to directly attack...

...our #13 seed, Vanilla Ice (nee Robert Van Winkle). What a coincidence, huh? Vanilla Ice (whose fame arc was a precursor to those of Squirrel Nut Zippers and Lou Bega), was very well-liked and very famous for a very short time. At some point, people who liked him realized what he looked like, felt much shame, threw his tapes away and quietly moved on with their lives. He gets points for sampling Queen's "Under Pressure," but loses more points than he gained by not fessing up to stealing the beats in one of the worst defenses ever presented by Kurt Loder on MTV.

This heavily-awaited battle proved more brutal than the faux beat-down of Mr. Ice doled out by 3rd Bass in the Pop Goes the Weasel video below.



Winner: 3rd Bass in a blow-out. Pop-went-the, pop-went-the-whining of the weasel. (not you, Pauly Shore).

22 comments:

rob said...

cauc hop! march mildness!

unrelated, but please to be following fogtb michael litos' coverage of the caa tourney at http://caacourtside.com/.

Whitney said...

Pretty routine first day of results, with a mild 10/7 upset.

Does anybody else think MC Serch looks like our own TR? Give the former Rhyme-o some cool specs and a slick fade and we got ourselves a fair likeness.

Whitney said...

Oh, but points taken away for not saying that 3rd Bass gave Vanilla ice The Gas Face.

TJ said...

I enjoyed this review of BAG's one and only album:

"...reviewer Jason Ankeny called the album 'pallid, uninspired, and insufferably arrogant, with no acknowledgment that its very existence rests solely on Green's limited success as a secondary actor on a fading prime-time drama.'"

rob said...

in a related (tangentially) story, without looking it up, can you tell me who leads the nba in double-doubles this season?

rob said...

well, it's pallid by definition. isn't that sort of the point?

TJ said...

David Lee, Grand Marshall of the Cauc Hop Parade?

TR said...

Whit - in a 4-round tourney, even an overworked, underpaid author would know enough to save his literary ammo for future rounds.

Holding back on phrases is akin to the Cavs sitting LeBron in the 4th quarter of a blow-out.

Kick 'em in the grill, Pete.

rob said...

teejay has pallid bingo.

TJ said...

Does that require an antibiotic?

Whitney said...

Point taken, TR. My bad. Feel free to censure me. It's just that nobody deserves it more than Mr. Van Winkle.

Whitney said...

Wanted to put some faces with some of the entrants for our readers. Feel free to click on the graphics for a look much closer than you'd really like. (Esp. Paul Wall.)

Jerry said...

Brian Austin Green also plays John Connor's uncle in the Fox Terminator show, which is actually pretty good.

Paul Wall's lyric's aren't brain surgery, but he's a good rapper.

rob said...

actual jerry, devastated by the first-round upset.

TJ said...

It destroyed his bracket - he had Wall in the final.

Mark said...

On the other hadn Ad Hoc Jerry, Aesop Rock's lyrics are brain surgery. The type of surgery that TJ and I like to perform on our brains? Sure. But, brain surgery nonetheless

rob said...

bengals sign lav coles.

in other news, bengals are dum.

jerome said...

Wahoo - that means buffalo did not sign Coles.

rob said...

that is some deductive wizardry right there, married jerry.

rob said...

marquette can't play with pitt tonight, right. we need a pitt/uconn battle for the ages on saturday.

TJ said...

The loss of 12 year veteran Dominic James from the Marquette lineup has killed them. Pitt by 8.

TJ said...

Or perhaps Pitt by 20.