Round 1, Day 1 Results of the Cauc Hop

We recently posted the brackets to the Caucasian Hip Hop Artist Invitational.

Without further ado, let's update you on the results of today's action.

The first day of battle rappin' brought us these match-ups:


Beastie Boys (2) vs. Snow (15)

Snow never had a chance. The Beasties came into this one smarting after failing to garner the top seed, playing the no respect card from the jump and taking out their disappointment on the lanky Canadian. Three bars into 'Informer', Mike D, MCA, and Ad Rock began blasting away with killer renditions of 'Sabotage', 'Intergalactic', 'Sounds of Science', and 'So What'cha Want'. The b-boys and b-girls from up North were cringing in make-it-stop agony before the first television timeout. Midway through the first half, the Beasties started trading instruments and thrashing their way through deep cuts from 'Some Old Bullshit' - their version of Red Auerbach's cigar.

The second half was a mess, with MCA going off on a Tibetan freedom rant while Ad Rock got stoned with Snow's girlfriend and Mike D filmed crowd scenes for 'Gunnin' for That #1 Spot, Part Deux'.

A no-doubter, this one, with the Beastie Boys leaving plenty in reserve for their Elite Eight matchup.


Paul Wall (7) vs. Aesop Rock (10)

You’ll have a hard time finding a bigger contrast of styles in this year’s first round. While Wall prefers to slow down the pace and grind out victories over his opponents on the strength of his production and the help of numerous guest appearances, Aesop Rock uses a unique flow and unorthodox delivery to take opponents out of their gameplan and leave them scrambling for answers to his style.

In this match-up, Aesop’s lyrical ability and diversity of rhyme styles proves too much for the much more hyped (but significantly less skilled) Houston MC, Wall, who spent most of the game playing catch-up after falling behind in the early going.

Aesop Rock successfully carries the banner for the young upstarts in the Definitive Jux Conference.


Brian Austin Green (16) vs. Eminem (1)

Eminem, perpetrator of the fastest selling hip-hop album of all time. Slim Shady, the biggest, most popular individual Caucasian rapper in history. Marshall Mathers, producer, actor, and controversy-brewing megastar. There's a reason Dre's D-town prodigy is the number one seed.

Brian Austin Green . . . uh, he was David Silver on 90210. According to reports, his hot actress girlfriend dumped him in February. According to rumors, Eminem's new single "Crack a Bottle" was written to depict what Shady was going to do over Green's head. According to anyone who has ever, ever heard Brian Austin Green rap, he's incredibly awful and without even trace amounts of merit. (Even Donna Martin concurs.)

This one was over by "May I have your attention please?"

Eminem quickly and cruelly dispatches of the notorious B.A.G. in record time.


Vanilla Ice (13) vs. 3rd Bass (4)

The editors of G:TB are big fans of 3rd Bass. They had a big run in the late 80's and early 90's, led by the strength of "The Cactus Album." They had a good look, with MC Serch and the Prime Minister (and Barry Pepper imposter) Pete Nice alternating mic duties, while DJ Richie Rich manned the turntables. They were the biggest multi-racial band of their time, and they leveraged their fame by attacking a fellow white appear. They used their powerful single "Pop Goes the Weasel," which sampled Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer" to directly attack...

...our #13 seed, Vanilla Ice (nee Robert Van Winkle). What a coincidence, huh? Vanilla Ice (whose fame arc was a precursor to those of Squirrel Nut Zippers and Lou Bega), was very well-liked and very famous for a very short time. At some point, people who liked him realized what he looked like, felt much shame, threw his tapes away and quietly moved on with their lives. He gets points for sampling Queen's "Under Pressure," but loses more points than he gained by not fessing up to stealing the beats in one of the worst defenses ever presented by Kurt Loder on MTV.

This heavily-awaited battle proved more brutal than the faux beat-down of Mr. Ice doled out by 3rd Bass in the Pop Goes the Weasel video below.



Winner: 3rd Bass in a blow-out. Pop-went-the, pop-went-the-whining of the weasel. (not you, Pauly Shore).