Friday, March 06, 2009

Round 1, Day 2 Results of the Cauc Hop

We recently posted the brackets to the Caucasian Hip Hop Artist Invitational.

Without further ado, let's update you on the results of today's action. The second day of battle rappin' brought us these match-ups:

Kid Rock (3) vs. Slug (of Atmosphere) (14)

In a good old-fashioned Midwestern battle, the heavily favored Kid Rock took on the darling of the mid-majors, Slug, from the smaller and less storied Rhymesayers conference. Much like the Big Ten, Kid Rock’s overall ability and tradition seem to have become overrated in recent years and have resulted in Rock receiving a higher seed than his skills merit in this competition. As the commentators for today's match-up noted, it doesn't seem like that long ago that Kid Rock was the unlikely upstart making waves, but it's been 11 years since Devil Without a Cause. And really, what since?

And here comes Slug. Atmosphere's been making records since Devil came out and helped create a genre (emo rap), but that 14-seed is a clear reminder of the lack of respect the committee had for independent artists. Slug's resignation about life's struggles heard on last year's When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint That Shit Gold was apparently filed away for this competition, and he came out with some serious early-days fire. Meanwhile, Kid Rock launched into some sort of Skynyrd / Warren Zevon-ish rock-with-a-trace-of-rap mish-mash, leaving listeners just confused.

Slug uses his more original lyrical stylings and an innovative and independent hip-hop spirit to push himself to the huge upset and first-round victory.

Prince Markie Dee (9) vs. Bubba Sparxxx (8)

"Oh, you should see...Prince Markie Dee..." Well, Chubby, no offense, but it was pretty hard to miss the Prince... or Kool Rock-Ski and Buff Love for that matter. The Prince earned an #8 seed mainly for his road-heavy pre-conference work, flooding airwaves with Fat Boys hits and weighing down the big screen in Krush Groove and Disorderlies. He finished around .500 in conference play, releasing a solo record in the early 90's with a #1 hit single, "Typical Reasons (Swing My Way)". We're not sure we've ever heard of that song, and thus PMD stumbles into the tourney's 8/9 matchup.

And then we have our #9 seed, Warren Anderson Mathis, the pride of La Grange, GA (along with Walt Harris and Tyrone Poole of course)... soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High, June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980... wait, I'm sorry, wrong guy. This fat, pale grillz-sporting redneck burst on the scene in 2001 with "Ugly" and its hideous video (good taste prevents us from embedding it here), and in between picking crumbs from his underbelly fat rolls Bubba managed to drop a few more Top 100 hits in the early Aughts.

But in a match-up where neither rotund rapper was ever more than two beats ahead, Bubba Sparxx steals the victory in the waning seconds because of 2006's "Ms. New Booty", his collaboration with the always stable Ying Yang Twins. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during those recording sessions: talk of derivatives, souffles and needlepoint. Those boys really knew how to cut loose.

Sage Francis (12) vs. House of Pain (5)

When you look like a cross between Matisyahu and Dave Atell, you better know what you're doing if you want to be a hip-hop star. And Mr. Francis does indeed know what he's doing, which is good because he' s matched up against the finest hoods the city of Boston has produced since the Wahlberg brothers started Hangin' Tough in the late 80's.

House of Pain exploited an obvious, yet untapped resource in their rise to fame - channel the angst of young white males with stories of booze and brawling, making hip-hop accessible to pasty Irish folks everywhere. They flamed out early, but made a huge impact, at least according to beleaguered bartenders working Manhattan's Irish pubs on St. Pat's Day. Even Mickey's Malt Liquor rode the House of Pain bandwagon for much of the 1990's, until they found another angst-ridden potential fan-base with UFC fans.

The crowd was heavily into Sage Francis at the start of this match, but the legacy of House of Pain was too much for him and his indie label to take. Mickey's stinger proved fatal.

House of Pain takes a couple early shots, but comes back strong, pummeling Sage Francis to move into the quarters.

The Streets (6) vs. Marky Mark (11)

Mike Skinner, aka "The Streets," is best known as the UK's answer to Eminem. The UK has been known to export brilliant music to America, so their finest rapper shouldn't be ignored. He has been producing unique rhymes and rhythms for most of this decade, and while he hasn't been hot as a pistol or caught fire in the US, he has been in steady rotation in Prince Harry's iPod for quite some time.

We all know the tale of Mark Wahlberg, so we'll spare the stories of underwear, good vibrati
ons and the epic butchering of Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wild Side." Suffice it to say the guy may have won this event if it was a bench press contest. But this ain't the case. It's about talking the talk. And while Mr. Wahlberg may have walked the walk amongst the Southies in Beantown, he has little to bring to the table against the man whose rhymes told the tale of countless disillusioned British clubbers and carried the torch lit by the Lo Fidelity Allstars some years before him.

Marky Mark tries taking it to The Streets, but finds himself dancing in The Streets, ultimately getting beaten down so badly he abandons Boston altogether for The Streets of Philadelphia. The Streets wins by TKO.

So, with round one complete, we are left with the following match-ups in the quarters. Stay tuned for the results, to be announced early next week.

8-Bubba Sparxxx

5-House of Pain
4-3rd Bass

6-The Streets

10-Aesop Rock
2-Beastie Boys


TR said...

The roar of the crowd after these games is deafening. And by deafening, I mean not deafening at all.

rob said...

it's so loud as to give the impression of complete silence. that's some serious loud.

where's our chief marketing doofus?

Whitney said...

He's watching golf in South Florida. Teej, SPF 430 is recommended for you.

rob said...

caa tourney starts in 90 minutes. yay basketball.

Too Good For You said...

Wait? Slug won over Kid Rock?

rob said...

i know, right? huge first round upset. detroit is apoplectic.

Too Good For You said...

That's crap in the highest degree. I'm posting a tribute to Kid Rock in protest.

rob said...

a guy that does a ballad with sheryl crow really isn't gonna get a lot of love from the purists running this tourney.

Too Good For You said...

He deserves credit based the Waffle House fight.

Mark said...

And Slug deserves credit for repeatedly telling a female fan to "shut her fat fucking face" during the first concert of his I attended.

Whitney said...

It's arguable that Kid Rock is no longer a rapper. Has anyone heard Rock and Roll Jesus? He took "All I Can Do Is Write About It," "Dirty Deeds," and "Her Strut" and mixed them together to make a neo-classic rock record. I didn't listen all the way through, because I can just turn on 106.9 The Fox, but it's not terrible -- it's just not hip-hop.

I think TGFY's comment is case in point of Kid Rock's legacy and why he got a 3-seed, right or wrong -- and why Rob thinks that was a travesty.

Some year the committee will finally get it right.

jerome said...

kid rock = duke

Shlara said...

Did anyone hear Falk on the Junkies this morning? He said that it wasn't MJ's idea for the Wizards to draft Kwame Brown...interesting spin there.

Whitney said...

Wouldn't MJ have said something before? He hasn't bitten his tongue much in the past, right?

(Hard to when it's always sticking out. You know you were waiting for that.)

Dennis said...

Wouldn't sticking it out make it easier to bite?

Whitney said...

Yes. Dammit.

Dennis said...

If there is one thing in which I am proficient, it is maintaining the quality of bad jokes.

TJ said...

Miguel Angel Jimenez basically just ran me over coming off the practice green.

And he was smoking a big ass cigar. Quite a physical specimen he is not.

jerome said...

because tj is the model of physical fitness.

TJ said...

Keep 'em coming Dr. Zinger.

The gorgeous 70 degree day and poolside umbrella drink has me calmer than Steven Wright on Xanax.

Marlin said...

This is a great example of why the mascot thing is going to end badly.

By the way, this guy is the Dean of Admissions.

Whitney said...

It's 76 degrees out here in southeastern Virginia. No poolside umbrella drink for me, but we can work on that.

rob said...

from the link marlin provided:

Most usefully of all, The William & Mary Revolution serves as a double-entendre for both a central mascot and an ongoing campaign for the College to open minds, to build leaders and to challenge orthodoxies.

That's what's done at William & Mary. It's what's been done at William & Mary for five centuries, and the Revolution would be an effective shorthand for it.

Viva la RevoluciĆ³n!

dear, sweet fancy fucking moses.

Whitney said...

Wait . . . he's insinuating that "challenging orthodoxies" is "what's been done at William & Mary for five centuries"???

Wasn't every unified attempt by either our fraternity chapter and/or our men's rugby & lacrosse clubs to have some sort of mild revelry utterly quashed by the administration empire like some sort of paltry border town guerrilla uprising? Or was I too drunk during my five years there to the endless stream of revolutions and boundless freedom?

TR said...

If you personally want to tell this guy he's a d-bag, e-mail him at this address:

And make sure the subject line says: The Revolution

But be prepared to have your children rejected from the school when they apply...

rob said...

i liked that quote so much i included it in the tribe preview that's going up at 5:45.

TJ said...

Calvin Broadus?

jerome said...

"dear, sweet fancy fucking moses."

now that's a mascot.

zoltan said...

The Revolution will not be televised.

zoltan said...

W&M sucks.

They really believe people will go to W&M because we have some dork in a Revolution suit (whatever the hell that is) at football games?