Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Know Your Minor League Mascot

In the midst of celebrating tournaments of all colors and sizes, we've managed to largely ignore the rapidly approaching return of our national pastime. (We'll stipulate that baseball isn't really our national pastime any longer in an effort to cut off pointless debate. We all know that our national pastime is football. And making fun of Dick Cheney.) With Opening Day a mere 12 days away, we turn our attention for a moment to a celebration of elysian fields and pastoral pursuits. Briefly, because there'a a whole mess of basketball to watch this weekend.

As we eagerly await the beginning of another campaign, Team G:TB commemorates the occasion with the introduction of yet another recurring feature destined to stop recurring. We call this one Know Your Minor League Mascot. If we need to explain it, perhaps a different blog may be more your speed. We hear Michelle Malkin's just started accepting readers who breathe through their noses.

Team: Lansing Lugnuts
League: Midwest League (Class A)
Affiliation: Toronto Blue Jays
Logo: Luggie the Lugnut

Self-Absorbed East Coast Elitist Commentary: No team with the rallying cry, "Go Nuts" can be all bad, right? Combine that with a mascot named Big Lug (points subtracted for the absurdly provenanced dinosaurish execution of said mascot), and Lansing's minor league squad gets high marks for local relevance and ironic self-deprecation. We're generally not huge fans of the Nuts' red/gray/black color scheme, but we defer again to the tie with the locality-specific automotive/grease theme, even as we couldn't identify a lugnut if we were offered $100. We fear creeping anachronism for the Nuts, as their benefactors in the petrol/auto industry face impending doom, but even then, the Ultra Thin Solar Panels will be as shitty a team name as it is now.

Gheorgheness Quotient: 52/77

25 comments:

TJ said...

I'm sorry, but "Deez Nuts" was too much to ask for?

rob said...

i think that's the name of the fan club.

TJ said...

Have I already wasted our time with a clip of the Beverly Hills Cop opening?

If not, then I would like to add it to my Top 10 Opening Film Song Choices of All Time.

zoltan said...

Lug nuts hold the wheel onto the car. They stare you right in the face when you check your tire pressure, tread wear, and brake pads. That thing under the carpeting in the trunk next to the jack? That's a lug wrench. You use it to remove the lug nuts when you have a flat tire.

Ironically, the Lansig Lugnuts have what appears to be a sad-looking screw instead of a "t" in their name. A screw is not a lug nut. Even if it's an oil pain drain plug, it still isn't a lug nut.

TJ said...

Well, Mark, at least you did something right, you meth-lovin' fool.

TJ said...

Hmmmm...it appears Mark replied to the ghoogles post, and well, I did not. Keep up if you can.

rob said...

mark, how quickly you forget. that sugar bowl preview also featured the single greatest prognostication feat in the history of ever.

TJ said...

No, no it did not.

TJ said...

It's pretty funny when the Baseball Tonight anchor uses the deep soft somber voice to announce the departure from this Earth of a "really good" 1940s player. This time it was some dude named George Kell.*

*He is also apparently a HoFer, which means the jokes on me.

rob said...

right. poetic license, then. one of mark's previews was awesome, so by the transitive property, all of them were.

also, cue the rampant speculation - seth curry's transferring. destination unknown. could it be...williamsburg? hmmm?

TJ said...

Jerry Falwell (sp? couldn't pay him enough to stay?

TJ said...

Cue up the Elton John, (and GTB Ponson post) Livan is gonna be the Mets 5th starter.

rob said...

alabama gets permission to speak with vcu's grant. i think he can do better.

TJ said...

Shlara, Jay Wright wants to give you five good minutes on PTI right now

Mark said...

I'd be shocked if Grant took the Bama job. Its not even as good as the job the Pelfrey took and Grant's been MUCH more successful as a head coach. And, I say Curry ends up at a 2nd tier ACC school not named Va. Tech. Clemson, NC State...something like that.

TR said...

The debate over fifth starters heading into a season is one of the more meaningless arguments that one can have. All teams have injury problems and end up throwing up at least 10 different guys to start games, so if you're 6th on the list, you'll get your chance in no time.

Yankee fans are saying Hughes should be the fifth starter and Joba should be back in the pen. But Hughes will get time in Scranton to get his mojo until May, when Long Duck Wong, old Pettite or fragile Burnett gets hurt.

I bet Livan will not be on the Mets' roster by June 1st. He'll average 6+ IP per start, but have an era over 5.

Mark said...

Ugh...baseball. Can't we table these topics until the end of March?

In much more exciting news (to me, at least) a Five Guys just opened 15 minutes from my house. I had it for lunch today and I'm already trying to figure out a reason to go out that way on Friday. Good times.

TR said...

I feel bad for Juliette Lewis. Her career has tanked so much that she's now doing Taco Bell commercials where she feigns pregnancy in an attempt to smuggle nachos into a ballpark. It's as if Cape Fear never happened.

Mark said...

Hahaha...that one got me. It took me a second but it got me.

rob said...

true confession: i've never eaten at a five guys. it feels like it would be cheating on the cowboy cafe.

Mark said...

I don't know about this 'Cowboy Cafe', Rob but it sounds just about gay enough for you.

TJ said...

Things I can eat an entire "sleeve" of in one sitting:
Fig Newtons
Trefoils

rob said...

for a large portion of my early 20s, (and whitney's), the cowboy cafe in arlington, va (lee highway version) offered free beer, half-priced burgers and great local dive atmosphere every tuesday night. good burgers. big burgers. it still offers the burgers, though the beer is no longer free and the atmosphere is slightly cleaned up.

rob said...

and now, with my ability to eat copious amounts of red meat compromised, i've got to be selective in my burger consumption. a new burger joint has to be damn well spectacular to make it worth my time and effort.

Mark said...

Like I said...gay...and old.