G:TB's Week 6 NFL Picks

Yeah, there's only three picks here...for now. There will be five before kickoff tomorrow (I think)...

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (+4)

I'm a lousy gambler. There's a reason I don't bet my own money on NFL games - I've demonstrated a profound ability to lose it faster than a Lehman Brothers broker on a derivatives bender. Part of the reason for this phenomenon, if not all of it, is my propensity for making picks on instinct rather than any thought whatsoever. In fact, this is actually in very close keeping with the manner in which I live my life. Instinct trumps preparation as a rule. So far, so good.

The purpose of this ramble, then, is to preface my preference for the Colts. I like Indy for two reasons (three, if you count pure gut feel): a) to paraphrase a paraphrase of Mark Twain's famously bastardized quote, the rumors of the Colts' demise have been greatly exaggerated - even as their line play has been terrible on both sides of the ball, they've still managed to break even on the season. I think they're due a breakout game, and b) Joe Flacco. We're talkin' 'bout Joe Flacco. Joe Flacco, man. Joe Flacco. Not Peyton Manning. Not Peyton Manning. Joe Flacco.

Oakland @ New Orleans (-7.5)
There isn't a legitimate coach in North America that would touch the Oakland job - I mean they probably couldn't convince Ty Willingham to take the gig (Hold it. I said legitimate coach didn't I? Nevermind). The Raiders will struggle mightily until they have an owner that can put together a group that actually cares about winning together. So, I'd say they have another 6 to 9 more years until Al Davis croaks and they can rebuild anew. In the meantime, they'll lack the leadership it takes to win in the NFL and keep losing along the way. This just isn't the time to run into a talented team at home coming off back to back dominating performances on the road..think about what it might be like if Peter North got paired up with a young starlet the day after coming home from to find his wife in flagrante delicto with a co-star.

Sai...Hold on. What's that noise? No. It can't be. It can't be. That...that's Zornstar's music. Redskins (-13.5) over the Rams by 2 touchdowns, 2 field goals and one giant bukakke....

Carolina (+1.5) @ Tampa Bay
You know whats I dont like about the MLB playoffs this year? No Ozzie Gullien. Sure, that guy's a dick and and complete nutjob, but its the fun kind of nutjob. You're never quite sure whether he's going to call a closeted writer gay (He'd have a field day with the Wheelhosers) or headbutt his closer as he takes the mound to close out a game. It's a good kind of crazy. Contrast that with Jon Gruden's kind of crazy and you begin to see the difference. Gruden's a micro-manager who completely over thinks just about any situation his team is involved in. For example: During the Bucs-Packers game a couple weeks ago I was talking to one of my old roomates and he asked me what I thought the Bucs would do on 3rd and goal from the 3 yard line. I replied that I wasn't sure of the playcall but I was sure that two tight ends would be involved and at least two men would be put in motion prior to the snap. Well, guess what happened? The Bucs came out with a WR split right and a tight end over the right tackle with another tight end over the left tackle. Once the Bucs got set, the WR moved in motion to the left and split out wide which was followed by the tight end on the left splitting out into the slot next to the WR, which was followed by the tight end from the right moving to the left and setting up over the left tackle. Once all these things had taken place, the Bucs ran a HB dive with Warrick Dunn (who's not their power back...I swear to god, Earnest Graham must have knocked up Gruden's wife, 10 fucking carries in Denver last week? Seriously Gruden...fuck off.) who ended up gaining a yard. Seriously...is all, hell, is any of that necessary for a HB dive? Watching the Gruden version of the West Coast offense is going to drive me back to meth one of these days.

Of course, Carolina doesn't do any of this shit. They just line up and beat you with their playmakers (Which is part of the problem I guess, the Bucs lack playmakers in a major way. During the Packer game the same old roommate and I tried to determine who the Bucs would use in their version of the Wildcat offense. We drew a blank. Honestly, try and find 3 guys on that offense who are dynamic enough to be involved in that type of offense...not gonna happen). As long as Steve Smith isn't on my fantasy team he's a beast, Muhsin Muhammad is rejuvenated and the Williams-Stewart combo is probably the leagues' best young tailback tandem. I can't figure out why the Bucs are favored here, but I do know its far too late in the afternoon for me to be this sober on my birthday so I might as well wrap this up. Take the points, and take the Panthers.