G:TB's Week 9 NFL Picks: Saaaaaaved by zeeeeero!

For some reason I feel like buying a Toyota...

Miami @ Denver (-3.5)

Courage. It elevates mere men to something greater. It’s also how Dan Rather enigmatically closed his nightly broadcasts, but that’s not really relevant to the point. The courage to stand alone as those around you clamor against your conviction is among the most vital pillars of our ruggedly individualistic society. This week, friends, I stand before you in full knowledge that the rest of my colleagues hurl brickbats against the fortress of my gambling knowledge, assailing the forthcoming selection on the grounds that Wildcats trump mountains and mediocrity knows no geographic distinction. The vigil of the courageous is a lonely one at times. Nearly as lonely as the vigil of the stubbornly stupid.

Once more into the breach, then, gentlemen, with the Broncos covering at home.

Tampa Bay (-9.5) @ Kansas City
By now I think we all realize how bad the Chiefs are. And sadly, its not just the product on the field. Just look at Carl Peterson and company's recent decision making. They chose to let an elite pass rusher who had cleaned up his life get away in free agency while also deciding to retain the services of a good, not great, tailback who has a penchant for excessive drinking, violence towards women and a complete lack of respect for authority (Which brings up the question? What the hell was going on when Larry Johnson was in Happy Valley? Was he running absolutely fucking wild whilst the coaching staff and athletic department covered it all up or did he lose his ever loving mind when he got away from Dad and Joe Pa? But I digress). The point here is that Kansas City should be glad that Detroit wasn't relegated to the Arena League or else they'd be the laughingstock of the NFL. HOWEVA, there's not a chance in hell the Bucs will score enough points on the road in one of the league's loudest venues to cover this spread. Not with Jeff Garcia hop, hop, hopping his way around the pocket and surely not with Michael Clayton dropping passes and cutting off routes. The Bucs are a good team but they depend on their opponents' offensive miscues for big offensive days of their own and Kansas City will be just average enough to cover in Arrowhead.

G:TB’s First Annual Conrad Efraim Selection:

New York Jets (+5.5) at Buffalo Bills
The name Conrad Efraim may not ring a bell to you. It should. It is the given name of Teej’s wrestling hero, S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. Mr. Jones was a hard-working wrestler for many years in the WWF. He toiled in the nether-regions of the sport – famous enough to be cheered, skilled enough to put on a good match, yet absent the sufficient flair required to be a consistent winner. He was lumped in with the (pre-killer B’s) B. Brian Blairs, Iron Mike Sharpes and Steve Lombardis (aka the Brooklyn Brawler) of the wrestling world in the 1980’s. He staged some memorable bouts against the likes of “Dr. D” David Schultz, Adrian Adonis and Ken Patera. He always came up short despite putting on a good show for the audience. He was such a memorable performer that Counting Crows' frontman Adam Duritz wrote a song about hanging out with the guy in an effort to impress Courtney Cox. I think.

Mr. Efraim passed away yesterday in Antigua, suffering a heart attack at the age of 63. May we all stain our rugs tonight, pouring out some of our 40 ouncers in memory of our homey.

We will honor Mr. Efraim’s spirit with this week’s pick. We focus on a blue-collar team that shows promise, yet lacks the flair to reach the top. That team is the New York Jets. They show flashes, they seduce their fans, yet they ultimately can’t get the job done. I speak of their season, and I speak of their game this week. Getting 5.5 points against a Schobel-less Buffalo squad is too enticing to pass over. Yet the Jets face their own injury problems. Multiple players have suffered concussions recently. ILB David Harris got nicked up last week and will miss the game. Jerricho Cotchery and Tony Richardson are suffering from various ailments and will be less than 100%. Blocking tight end Bubba Franks will also be out. And QB Brett Favre has played like he is mentally impaired.

The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will keep it close. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will give fans a reason to think they can pull off the upset. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will ultimately lose. Jay Feeley will end up as a goat in this game, as his atrophied leg will fail to provide the “Special Delivery” needed in a close game. Take the Jets to keep it close – Buffalo 16, Jets 13.

Philly @ Seattle (+5.5) and Pittsburgh @ Washington (-1.5):
Picks - Eagles and Steelers
There's a song originally written by Phil Ochs many moons ago called "Here's To The State of Mississippi". It's a song filled with anguish of the common man as he is deceived, tormented, and misguided by those that govern him. It has mutated from its primal form over the years to fit the current times in which it resides (e.g. "Here's To The State of Richard Nixon", "Here's To The State of George W.", etc.) - all of which reflect the same sentiment of communal negativity. In the spirit of forthcoming change (and to make this bit work properly), G:TB will not only change the lyrical content of this simple, but brilliant piece; but the theme as well. The current state of Pennsylvania has become that of overwhelming jubilance and hope culminating with this past week's World Series victory for the Phillies. It has the Penn State Nittany Lions, who are poised to bring JoPa a National Title at the age of 112, after having beaten the Bucks at the Horseshoe for the first time in 30 years. Finally it has two NFL teams that are teetering on greatness...

Here's to the lads of Pennsylvania
They're laying olive branches as they open the prison door
Their bellies bounce inside them as they pick you up off the floor
No they don't like taking prisoners in their private little war
Behind their broken badges there are martyrs and more
Oh, here's to the land you've torn out the heart of
Pennsylvania, there's no other country to be part of...