Friday, October 31, 2008

G:TB's Week 9 NFL Picks: Saaaaaaved by zeeeeero!

For some reason I feel like buying a Toyota...

Miami @ Denver (-3.5)

Courage. It elevates mere men to something greater. It’s also how Dan Rather enigmatically closed his nightly broadcasts, but that’s not really relevant to the point. The courage to stand alone as those around you clamor against your conviction is among the most vital pillars of our ruggedly individualistic society. This week, friends, I stand before you in full knowledge that the rest of my colleagues hurl brickbats against the fortress of my gambling knowledge, assailing the forthcoming selection on the grounds that Wildcats trump mountains and mediocrity knows no geographic distinction. The vigil of the courageous is a lonely one at times. Nearly as lonely as the vigil of the stubbornly stupid.

Once more into the breach, then, gentlemen, with the Broncos covering at home.

Tampa Bay (-9.5) @ Kansas City
By now I think we all realize how bad the Chiefs are. And sadly, its not just the product on the field. Just look at Carl Peterson and company's recent decision making. They chose to let an elite pass rusher who had cleaned up his life get away in free agency while also deciding to retain the services of a good, not great, tailback who has a penchant for excessive drinking, violence towards women and a complete lack of respect for authority (Which brings up the question? What the hell was going on when Larry Johnson was in Happy Valley? Was he running absolutely fucking wild whilst the coaching staff and athletic department covered it all up or did he lose his ever loving mind when he got away from Dad and Joe Pa? But I digress). The point here is that Kansas City should be glad that Detroit wasn't relegated to the Arena League or else they'd be the laughingstock of the NFL. HOWEVA, there's not a chance in hell the Bucs will score enough points on the road in one of the league's loudest venues to cover this spread. Not with Jeff Garcia hop, hop, hopping his way around the pocket and surely not with Michael Clayton dropping passes and cutting off routes. The Bucs are a good team but they depend on their opponents' offensive miscues for big offensive days of their own and Kansas City will be just average enough to cover in Arrowhead.

G:TB’s First Annual Conrad Efraim Selection:

New York Jets (+5.5) at Buffalo Bills
The name Conrad Efraim may not ring a bell to you. It should. It is the given name of Teej’s wrestling hero, S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. Mr. Jones was a hard-working wrestler for many years in the WWF. He toiled in the nether-regions of the sport – famous enough to be cheered, skilled enough to put on a good match, yet absent the sufficient flair required to be a consistent winner. He was lumped in with the (pre-killer B’s) B. Brian Blairs, Iron Mike Sharpes and Steve Lombardis (aka the Brooklyn Brawler) of the wrestling world in the 1980’s. He staged some memorable bouts against the likes of “Dr. D” David Schultz, Adrian Adonis and Ken Patera. He always came up short despite putting on a good show for the audience. He was such a memorable performer that Counting Crows' frontman Adam Duritz wrote a song about hanging out with the guy in an effort to impress Courtney Cox. I think.

Mr. Efraim passed away yesterday in Antigua, suffering a heart attack at the age of 63. May we all stain our rugs tonight, pouring out some of our 40 ouncers in memory of our homey.

We will honor Mr. Efraim’s spirit with this week’s pick. We focus on a blue-collar team that shows promise, yet lacks the flair to reach the top. That team is the New York Jets. They show flashes, they seduce their fans, yet they ultimately can’t get the job done. I speak of their season, and I speak of their game this week. Getting 5.5 points against a Schobel-less Buffalo squad is too enticing to pass over. Yet the Jets face their own injury problems. Multiple players have suffered concussions recently. ILB David Harris got nicked up last week and will miss the game. Jerricho Cotchery and Tony Richardson are suffering from various ailments and will be less than 100%. Blocking tight end Bubba Franks will also be out. And QB Brett Favre has played like he is mentally impaired.

The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will keep it close. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will give fans a reason to think they can pull off the upset. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will ultimately lose. Jay Feeley will end up as a goat in this game, as his atrophied leg will fail to provide the “Special Delivery” needed in a close game. Take the Jets to keep it close – Buffalo 16, Jets 13.

Philly @ Seattle (+5.5) and Pittsburgh @ Washington (-1.5):
Picks - Eagles and Steelers

There's a song originally written by Phil Ochs many moons ago called "Here's To The State of Mississippi". It's a song filled with anguish of the common man as he is deceived, tormented, and misguided by those that govern him. It has mutated from its primal form over the years to fit the current times in which it resides (e.g. "Here's To The State of Richard Nixon", "Here's To The State of George W.", etc.) - all of which reflect the same sentiment of communal negativity. In the spirit of forthcoming change (and to make this bit work properly), G:TB will not only change the lyrical content of this simple, but brilliant piece; but the theme as well. The current state of Pennsylvania has become that of overwhelming jubilance and hope culminating with this past week's World Series victory for the Phillies. It has the Penn State Nittany Lions, who are poised to bring JoPa a National Title at the age of 112, after having beaten the Bucks at the Horseshoe for the first time in 30 years. Finally it has two NFL teams that are teetering on greatness...

Here's to the lads of Pennsylvania
They're laying olive branches as they open the prison door
Their bellies bounce inside them as they pick you up off the floor
No they don't like taking prisoners in their private little war
Behind their broken badges there are martyrs and more
Oh, here's to the land you've torn out the heart of
Pennsylvania, there's no other country to be part of...

50 comments:

TJ said...

By the way, the Doofus Overlord needs some help. I apparently will be attending a Halloween party tonight, and of course I have no costume and have made no effort to have a costume. The best I can currently come up with is me as Isiah Thomas, walking around with a prescription bottle (full of Allegra) and a pink slip that says:

"You're fired.
-The Knicks"

Any better suggestions?

rob said...

there's a certain obvious 7'7" character.

TJ said...

And how the hell would you like me to pull that off in the next 4 hours?

rob said...

i don't like your defeatist attitude, young man.

rob said...

joe the plumber is probably too easy, and i guarantee there will be at least one of them at the party.

you could walk around saying remarkably inane things and acting borderline mentally disabled and tell people you're an undecided voter.

TJ said...

It's the lunch beer talking. I'm trying to keep up with the pace I assume Mark is on.

rob said...

you look a little bit like jack sikma, if you want to go really obscure.

rob said...

you could pull your testicles out of your zipper and when questioned about it say "ohhh, it's *bail*out. my bad."

TJ said...

I'm sorry, Spurrier has a monopoly on "Dumbasses who like to whip out their tiny genitalia at social functions".

mayhugh said...

TJ, how could you mention that list of 80's tomato can wrestlers without mentioning the legendary Barry Horowitz? The guy even had a half-assed gimmick - he slapped himself on the back before every match and he eventually had a shirt with a giant hand print on the back.

I'm just a little bit disappointed in you.

Sisler said...

There's your costume idea right there.

rob said...

perfect circle of blog commentary

Rhymenocerous said...

Mayhugh's right. How could you do that with your wrestling mentions, Teej? Terrible job by you.

TJ said...

Tribe down 7 to hurting Towson at the half. Game is on Comcast. Ebirt Og.

rob said...

georgia really should plan to suck less in the second half on critical plays if they want to win this game.

TJ said...

Oh my.

rob said...

at least mark will be a happy drunk

rob said...

sweet jesus, everything is going florida's way.

rob said...

penn state really needn't worry about that whole 3 undefeated team thing. how in hell did this florida team lose to ole miss?

rob said...

washington state cementing their status as worst d-1 team in the land, down 31-0 to stanford at the half. that wazzu/uw game will be a must-see.

rob said...

the acc sucks, but it's interesting.

rob said...

you are looking live...at lubbock, texas?

rob said...

i've obviously heard a great deal about crabtree, but this is the first time i've really watched him. the hype seems to be deserved.

rob said...

so that's a splendid first quarter for nebraska, then.

rob said...

this is a fun game.

rob said...

that was awesome.

Whitney said...

Rob, you know you violated the T.J. O'Boyle Lonely Blogger Rule with 10 comments in a row. You got a free pass with the first one for posting it at 6:09, but 8 in a row is the maximum.

rob said...

that had occurred to me. the wife and kids were in pittsburgh, so it was just me and a 6-pack of starr hill. and college football. and my dog, shithead.

TJ said...

The Jets "defense" on drive #1 was spectacularly awful.

Greg said...

Awesome weekend.

Greg said...

I used to have a tape of Wrestlemania. In it, S.D. "Special Delivery" gets pinned by King Kong Bundy in 6 seconds setting a new world record. Then my sister taped over part of that tape with an episode of "Murder, She Wrote". I was so pissed.

TJ said...

Look at Herm winning big on Sunday.

And maybe (highly likely?) on Tuesday too?

rob said...

somewhere, the fixx is cringing.

rob said...

and gogol bordello, too, apparently.

TJ said...

Well, I'm glad the GTB staff took five games before I went and picked the Rams,

TJ said...

I just called the Favre Pick 6 in a crowded bar, and despite the free booze, I'm not happy about it.

TJ said...

Well look at that...Herm gave up hig huge lead and we going to OT. I like the sound of that.

Mark said...

That was an awesome weekend. Just a blur of drunken jackassery from midday Friday on. For at least one weekend a year, Jacksonville never disappoints.

And, despite having a hotel room, Greg and I passed out at my buddy's house on Friday night. I slept on a recliner and Greg slept in a hammock.

Mark said...

The Bucs have no business taking this game to OT. They've done everything wrong and the Chiefs keep letting them stick around.

Mark said...

Haha...Bucs win. I still have no idea how thats possible.

TJ said...

Let's hope that improbale Bucs win continues this forced analogy on Tuesday.

Zoltan said...

I have been doing work for the past 0.8 hours and I just saw that the Bucs beat the Chiefs. How did this possibly happen? Last I saw they were down by 11.

Mark said...

It was a combination of Chiefs ineptitude and Tampa finally pulling their head of their ass on defense.

Honestly, the Bucs kept trying to give it away (pick six wiped out by penalty, Graham fumbling the ball into the end zone from the 1, etc.)but the Chiefs refused to close it out. The biggest issue may have been Herm's decision to throw the ball after Graham's fumble instead of running the ball with Jamaal Charles and running more clock. As it turned out, it left just enough time for Tampa to score a TD in the final 30 seconds and send the game to OT after they converted their 2 point try

Zoltan said...

Wow. Herm Edwards should get the boot.

The Brooks Bollinger Era is about to begin in the Meadowlands. Again.

Zoltan said...

I think I just saw a graphic that the Raiders had -2 first half yards. That can't be right, can it?

Rhymenocerous said...

Looks like we're 3-1 on the week, heading into the MNF game.

Who's the numbnuts who liked Denver? I hated that pick. I did love the KC pick. Tyler Thigpen has a future as a #2 guy in the NFL. Not that that's saying much, but he's not that bad...

Rhymenocerous said...

And I'm about 21 hours late on this one, but the 4tyh quarter of the Texas-Texas Tech game last night was college football at its best. The Heisman may be Graham Harrell's to lose.

Mark said...

Thigpen has some moxie to him. He's not as good as the Bucs made him look in the early going but he's certainly got a future.

TJ said...

So, I guess T.J. Houshma&*%(^*$ wanted to prove ole GTB (me) wrong, eh?

And don't look now Jacksonville, but you might get a rare double next week, allowing the remaining winless team in the league to beat your apparently vastly overrated club.

rob said...

phil fullmer out. that's...not surprising.