He would've HATED Alexei Lalas

Yesterday a Japanese newspaper reported that North Korean despot/dictator/tyrant/all around grumpy pants Kim Jong-Il is indeed alive and well, despite rumors to the contrary, and he's feeling so well soccer is on the agenda. Uh oh...

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il bans long hair for men

BEIJING -- In his first reported appearance following news of his hospitalization, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il lost his temper while watching a college soccer match, denouncing several players' long hair as "disgusting," according to a source close to the North Korean government. The outburst was followed by a nationwide ban on long hair for men.

OK, wow, where do we start? Obviously, this seems like a perfectly natural reaction (for a lunatic). Climb out of death bed for fear-inducing appearance, realize soccer players like sporting long, flowy locks, and immediately get insulted to the core. Consequently ban long hair on all men in THE ENTIRE COUNTRY. Kim Jong Il, when keeping it real goes wrong.

The follicular clampdown is the first concrete report of Kim's behavior following his reported illness.

I don't know if this phrase came from the translation of the Japanese paper, but "follicular clampdown" is a fantastic term, and should definitely be used more often. You choose the context.

Kim was watching a special match between Kim Il-sung University -- his own alma mater, which was celebrating its 62nd anniversary -- and Pyongyang University of Railways. According to an insider, after realizing that several of the Kim Il-sung University players were sporting long hair, Kim declared it to "look disgusting," and said "I can't tell if this is men's soccer or women's soccer."

Throw out the records when KIU and PUR get together. And if North Korean women had the right to speak, I'm sure they would be appalled.

His mood grew steadily worse until the end of the first half, at which point he announced he would not be watching the rest of the match. Whether he was actually watching from the stadium or on television is unknown.

Shortly after the incident, a notice was posted in workplaces across the country banning long hair for men. Staff at Kim Il-sung University were witnessed carrying out particularly stringent checks.

How stringent does a test for long hair have to be really? I mean, what's the sneakiest move a long-haired North Korean has in the arsenal - hair under hat? Hair wrapped around mouth as fake beard? Even TSA employees could carry out these long hair checks.

Kim's viewing of the match, which was broadcast by the Korean Central News Agency on Oct. 4, is his first officially-reported activity since he was rumored to be suffering a major illness.

Power hungry authoritarian overlord in failing health who hates long hair? Hmmmmm, remind you of anyone?