It's Aliiiiive!

As the G:TB motto goes, self-seriousness is one of our favorite tilting windmills. But we’re not so deluded as to claim that we’re above a little lack of perspective ourselves. Nowhere is that more apparent than our oft-encompassing love of our favorite sports teams. For me, balance and rationality head for the exits where the Red Sox are concerned. Mark huddles into a little ball and sings nursery rhymes when Tim Tebow takes the field. Teejay and Rhymo put on fireman’s helmets and scream J-E-T-S in unison. Dennis thinks Joe Paterno is a saint. And Whitney, well, Whitney’s a Mets fan. We just generally leave him alone in the corner, muttering to himself.

No group of people in our society outside of the navel-gazing lunatics in Congress fails the self-seriousness test more often than sports fans. In the great tradition of Dr. Frankenstein, or at least of Gene Wilder’s characterization, G:TB’s crack team of scientists spent almost 15 minutes in the laboratory (luh-borr-a-torry) to sew together the most egregiously annoying and grating characteristics of Fannicus Americanus (we left the racist hooliganism of the European soccer fan for a future experiment). Behold, FrankenFan.

We started with a little bit of Red Sox Fan's Bandwagon Douchebaggery. Sister site Misery Loves Company weighed in on this earlier in the year, and the situation hasn’t improved. It’s a painfully acknowledged truth that the growth of Red Sox Nation over the past 5 years has been measured in both numbers and arrogant doucheyness. I’m not saying I condone the increasing hatred of Sox fans, but in the words of the great Chris Rock, I understand.

Eagle Fan's Contemptible Sportsmanship adds a necessary element of just plain ugliness to the mix. Start with an entire population’s inferiority complex, add nearly 30 years of major championship drought, stir in a toxic blend of South Jersey-style machismo, and top with the most inflammatory and reactionary local sports media in America, et voila – loudmouth boorishness nonpareil.

No self-respecting undead sportszombie would be complete without Yankee Fan's Insufferable Sense of Entitlement. Our monster will rise from the table uttering “I can’t believe how bad we got screwed by injuries this year. Oh, and Jetuh’s the best friggin’ shortstop in the history of the game”.

Cowboy Fan’s Susceptibility to Manipulation is particularly critical. Generations of insecure kids have been swayed by the big shiny star and the national media infatuation with ‘America’s Team’, selling their fathers and regional loyalty down the river for a few shiny baubles. FrankenFan’s gotta have a little of that lack of spine and front-running mentality.

Since we need to dress our creation, Raider Fan's Twisted Furry Fetish will come in handy. We’ll load him up with game-worn Black Hole Halloween costumes so he won’t be so conspicuous in the midst of a gaggle of loathsome losers.

National Fan's Narcissistic Head-Swivel is a useful physical characteristic. The monster’s gonna need to network, so he’ll master the D.C. cocktail party/ballgame staple move – I’m pretending to care about what you say while really looking past you to find the more important people in the room/stands.

Dodger Fan’s Broken Watch is the final piece of clothing we’ll strap on our buddy before we send him out into the world. We can’t have him showing up to Chavez Ravine (gasp!) on time for a game.

Brave Fan’s Negligent Indifference and Lack of Originality is probably the most important quality with which we’ll imbue FrankenFan. The ability to be both ignorant and spoiled is uniquely the province of Atlanta baseball “fans” – combine it with a borderline racist rallying cry that was stolen from Florida State and you’ve got a must-have creature feature.

Finally, and importantly, because our little guy is headed out into an uncaring world representing us, FrankenFan will have G:TB’s Coastal Elitism. Nearly all the attributes above come from fans securely out of flyover country. Midwesterners are so cute and non-threatening that we can’t bring ourselves to insult them. Although that may change when we build Bride of FrankenFan, College Edition.