The Twelve Days of Gheorghe-mas: Day Six

On the sixth day of Gheorghe-mas, Big Gheorghe gave to me:


Six games worth watching (and picking)
Five Combined Wins;
Four Compliments For T.J.;
Three French Hens;
Two Dope-ass Rhymes (and a whole mess of sub-par ones as well);
And a Doofus Dancing (Amidst a Really Long and Grumpy Analysis of the New Kanye West Album).

You didn't really think I was going to let Gheorghe-mas pass without showing my handsome face (and heavily tattooed body) around these parts, did you? Well, I couldn't of blamed you if you had thought that, as I've been pretty scarce contribution wise lately. What can I say? Life's been busy for me. New job, preparing for my wedding, rehabbing my body from a devastating meth explosion...I mean, injury. It's gotten to the point that I barely have time to taunt Geoff on Twitter about his sexuality. But...the Teej threatened to revoke my membership (with the new nickname and radio celebrity he's an even bigger diva than normal)if I didn't contribute to Gheorghe-mas, so despite the fact that I spent most of the afternoon drinking with Greg I decided to sit down and do my part this evening.

Remember when Gheorghe: The Blog used to pick NFL games against the boys of Jerry's Wheelhouse? Yeah, I barely remember that too. But it did in fact happen, for an entire season no less (I blame Danimal for fucking up our momentum). So, with the best NFL weekend of the year upon us, I figured I'd bring that recurring feature back (sans Wheelhouse). Enjoy, and as always, these picks are for entertainment purposes only. If you're going to bet on the NFL, bet on Raheem Morris, Josh Freeman and their matching, magic Wildcat shaped Johnsons. You heard it here first.

Chiefs (-1) @ Rams: Do you want to get drunk tomorrow afternoon? Well, you probably hate your kids. I'm not here to judge you. I hate my kids too. That's why I don't answer their phone calls and always maintain a minimum one state buffer zone. Anywho, if you want to get aggressively drunk tomorrow (I'm looking at you Igor) just take a shot every time one of the announcers makes a "show me" reference. Listen, my family is from St. Louis. I've had some very good times in Missouri. But even I'm willing to acknowledge that Missouri is a shit hole. If the most interesting thing you can say about a state is it's stupid, made up slogan (New Hampshire...you're on notice) then that place fucking sucks. And so does anything going on there. Take the Chiefs, for the last time in a long time because Sam Bradford is the truth. The Rams will own the NFC west for the next 6-8 years. Just not yet. Seriously.

Jags (+4.5) @ Colts: I guess we're supposed to be interested in this game. I mean, the AFC South is on the line but are either of these teams really any kind of postseason threat? Ummm, no. Since we're here, I'd like to point out the most underreported story of the NFL year. Kasim Osgood getting tied up, pistol whipped and then jumping out of a 2nd story window to escape certain death after he was caught fishing off the company pier by the boyfriend of a Jags cheerleader. This story was widely reported but quickly fell from the headlines. As I've said in this space before, I have a friend who tends bar at a popular Jacksonville Beach nightspot that is frequented by Jags players and he gave me the full story the last time I was in Jacksonville. Let me assure you, the reports DO NOT do this story justice. Force of habit, Colts.

Saints (+3) @ Baltimore: At what point do we all acknowledge that Baltimore's defense just isn't that good anymore? The secondary is suspect. The pass rush is inconsistent and Ray Lewis is taking over for Wilford Brimley in the Quaker Oats ads next year. "Quaker Oats: They'll murder your hunger! But they'll also use your financial resources to avoid prosecution." I know, the slogan needs work, but RayRay can sell anything. Don't believe me? What other prominent athlete with a high profile felony charge is successfully hawking everything from Old Spice to Snuggies? Uh huh. While we're here, I thought I'd share what I'm buying TJ for Christmas. Obviously, it won't compare to what Greg gave him but I think he'll still enjoy it. Saints...straight up.

Jets (+6) @ Steelers: I'm not sure I believe all the sky is falling crap about the Jets. Have they looked good the last couple of weeks? Fuck and no. Are we sure Mark Sanchez is a certifiably competent NFL QB? Hell no. Shit, he's Mexican. Do you know a single Mexican in his 20s who's good at anything? Besides Rey Mysterio, of course. I'll save you the time and say...no. To be fair, the whitebread assholes who frequent this blog are about as ethnically aware/diverse as my dead Grandmother who used to brag about my family being related to Jefferson Davis. (Seriously, if I have to see another picture of @CGormley's goddammed kitchen I might fly to Boston and firebomb it just out of principle). Wow...things escalated quickly...I mean they really got out of hand. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think the Jets D gets after a shitty Steelers OLine (save for Mike Pouncey) and batters a hobbled Ben Rapistberger tomorrow (I wasn't even trying to be funny here, it's just easier to spell 'rape' than whatever his fucking last name is) and comes away with a win. This game will be low scoring but at least we'll see some concussions. Take the Jets.

Packers (+11.5) @ Patriots: This seems like an absurdly high line for two potential Playoff teams until you remember that Aaron Rodgers isn't playing and Matt Flynn is. Let me make you some money for Xmas shopping (or for more money at the shake club on Xmas eve...you're intrigued by the possibilities...don't lie), this line cannot be high enough. New England is winning, and winning big. Just take the Pats and lay the points. Since this game now sucks, and I'm in the Christmas spirit, I'd like to pass out another gift to a fellow G:TBer. To Zman: the guy I've never met but feel like I'd have been friends with if I had been given the good fortune of being a Northeast, liberal, prep school, tennis playing, elitist as opposed to the Southern, public school, meth cooking, basketball playing elitist that I am. You gave me Curren$y. I gave you Ghostface on Twitter. You've promised me a bottle of liquor and now I give you Emancipator: Soon It Will Be Cold Enough. It's not hip hop, more downtempo, but the beats are dope and it's an album that really goes well with the winter weather. Buy it, bitch.



Bears @ Vikings (NL): Let's be honest, the only reason anybody cares about this game anymore is because it's being played outdoors in Minnesota in late December. You know what though? That's enough for me. Speaking of sports in ridiculous weather, did any of you see the Ipswich-Leicester game on Saturday? Holy shit. It was like the Raiders-Patriots playoff Snow/Tuck Rule game without any of the importance or fan support. Much like England, it was completely fucking irrelevant, but still somehow notable. Watching a game like that makes me even more angry at baseball fans than usual. You people are right, soccer players are pussies. But somehow they can manage to play a game in a blizzard in shorts while baseball players won't even get on the field in a heavy drizzle. I can't wait until I'm old and I can drink all day and baseball is as irrelevant nationally as boxing has become. In the meantime, I think I'll continue to drink all day. Take the Bears or Julius Peppers will impregnate your wife and/or daughter. Whoops, too late. Bears.

That's it. For all the rest of the G:TB crew, I love you guys and I'm not finished Christmas shopping yet so don't fucking send me a Christmas list. I'm going to get you something and I neither want nor need any of your input to do this. Except for you TR. I don't know a fucking thing about you other than you like to drink on the train. How's a toy train set made of beer cans sound? Good? Well, swell then. Wait, that's not a train set? Shit. Well fly me up to Jersey and we'll build it together. We'll even get Dave involved. He seems like he needs adults to hang out with.

Picks, Pics, and Us Being Pricks

Another big weekend of American football contests -- and us giving you unscientific opinions as to who will win them -- is upon us. You are used to photos of college co-eds in these pages, and you'll get them once again. Well, . . . no, it won't be Florida cheerleaders, and no, no, it won't be a pair of Georgia's prettiest putting on pouty looks. This time around, you get the pride of Williamsburg, VA. Lovely ladies. (And dorky dudes.) These stills are entries in a current "Halloween & Fall Photo Contest" at William & Mary. You're welcome . . .

USC @ Notre Dame (+10)

USC is favored by ten. In South Bend. They've won seven in a row vs. the Irish by something like 690-2. The obvious (and logical) choice is the Trojans. Nope. My life partner Jimmy Clausen gets it done tomorrow. Irish win, but unfortunately that probably saves FUPA's job, so I'm not quite sure how happy I (or most Irish fans) are about that result. Oh well, he's sure to lose to BC yet again in a few weeks. Boy does Charlie miss Tommy Brady...and Hostess cupcakes. Irish cover.

Kansas City Chiefs @ Washington Redskins (-6.5)

A couple of weeks ago, a wise man wrote:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Washington Redskins (-7.5)
Take the Bucs. Dear God, take the Bucs.

A not-as-wise man countered in a comment:

I think the Redskins will win and cover this weekend. 24-10.

The wise man was right.
Take the Chiefs. Dear God, take the Chiefs.

Marshall @ West Virginia (-20)

It's a miserable, dreary, bleak fall Saturday here in the shadow of the Nation's Capital. The long, long shadow. To celebrate, I'm taking my daughters to see Spike Jonze's live-action reboot of my favorite children's book, Where the Wild Things Are. In a nod to Mr. Sendak's genius, we look just over the horizon to Morgantown, where still wilder things are. I've made a lot of money* betting against Bill Stewart's Mountaineers, so I've got no reason to stop now, even as they take on a mediocre Thundering Herd team (again with the wild things). WVU wins, but not by three touchdowns.

* Any money made by me in this case is entirely fictional, at least to my wife and the IRS. Also, as far as anyone knows, my name is Whitney.

. . . And so, the search for a new logo for the College of William & Mary is over. The two feathers were offensive to some, so they've been replaced by a more peaceful symbol. We're putting the green into the Green & Gold. The new mascot will be named Bongo, and he's a narrow, cylindrical fellow with a bulbous bottom and a penchant for mischief. We went looking for the explanation behind the "Thriller" dance record and the photos above, and I think we have found it:

It seems my threats to expose TJ's gay mating ritual with Greg have left our pale friend so nervous that he couldn't sleep this morning and thus was up and able to put up our weekly picks post. Of course, I didn't write any picks last night. Nope, I actually got drunk with my old man whilst discussing his complete and utter disgust with both the Buccaneers and Seminoles. It's actually quite fun to see my old Dad drunk and apoplectic at the state of his preferred football squadrons. If Florida State has to fire Bowden at the end of the year (please, please say it ain't so) can we at least check in on the possibility of stealing Raheem Morris from Tampa Bay? Well, at least I don't have to hurl expletives at lazy ass Gaines Adams every Sunday afternoon anymore. I really need to save all my swearing and vitriol for Michael Clayton. Believe me, he's earned my full attention.

Now, for the real reason I'm here...picks...and weed. But mostly picks.

Arkansas @ Florida (-24.5):
I've been pointing to this game as the one on the Florida schedule that worried me most since August. It's no secret that Florida traditionally struggles with SEC West opponents. Not just top tier teams either. Since I enrolled at Florida they've lost games to Ole Miss (twice), Mississippi State (twice) and Arkansas. Furthermore, this is a natural let down game for Florida. There is going to be a hangover effect for the Gators early on today. There's just no way to avoid it, not after all the hype (both Tebow related and otherwise) that led up to last week's game in Baton Rouge. Besides all that, Arkansas has a ton of talent on offense (Ryan Mallet, DJ Williams and Michael Smith are all future NFL first day picks) and Bobby Petrino can coach 'em up on offense. What does all this mean? That I'll be drinking very early today and that there's no way Florida covers the spread today. The Gators win, but only by two TDs.

South Carolina(+17) @ Alabama: It's the battle of two of the biggest assholes in SEC coaching history, which is REALLY saying something when you look back on the long storied history of assholes in SEC Football. There's a key difference here though: Spurrier is a fun asshole. He pokes, he prods and he says mean spirited things that elicit chuckles ( A couple of my favorites: "Can't spell Citrus with UT" and "Its a real shame about the fire in the Library at Auburn. I heard most of the books hadn't even been colored in yet."). Saban, on the other hand, is just a prick. He's aloof, he's a liar and he's a bitter control freak. He's also a well documented international pederast. With that said, the man is building a fucking juggernaut in Tuscaloosa. Can Spurrier and the suddenly competent South Carolina offense come into Bryant-Denny Stadium and steal a win from the Tide? In a word, no. I think that the Gamecocks keep it close for a half but the depth, toughness and discipline of Alabama are eventually too much for a young South Carolina squad to handle. Alabama wins, but they too don't cover.

Texas(-1.5) vs. Oklahoma: I'll be honest, I haven't watched much of Oklahoma this year. I was at Florida's opener for their game against BYU and I was at a bar with friends from out of town during their loss to Miami. I've watched even less of Texas. However, I have gleaned some information on both teams based on some of the highlights I've seen and articles I've read. As far as I can tell, Texas is essentially the same team they were last year. Heavily dependent on Colt McCoy and the passing game. These things happen when you pin the hopes of your rushing attack on a guy named Fozzie. They don't have as dominant a defense as they did last year but Oklahoma's offensive line is far worse than it was last year. Texas knows they can't lose this game if they want to have any shot at the BCS Title game. Oklahoma's too banged up and Bradford's still going to be shaking off the rust from his extended layoff. I can't see Texas losing this game and I can't take another cheesy segment between McCoy and Bradford where we find out who makes the better omelet or has the more manly patch of chest hair. We get it. They're both great players and they're friends to boot! Amazing, what a story. Why don't the two of them just double team Heather Dinich and get it over with already. Texas.

Your Gheorghe Football Picks

Your Gheorghe Pick(s) of the Week:

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Washington Redskins (-7.5)

Take the Bucs. Dear God, take the Bucs. If anyone does regular business with someone who manufactures hardbacks and paperbacks, do me a favor and put me down for $50 on the new large-print edition of The Buccaneers of Tampa Bay. The Bucs suck, but how in THE hell does anyone watch the Redskins' season thus far and pick them to win at all, much less by a touchdown??

London Fletcher, the lone bright spot, leads the defense admirably. . . and leads the league in tackles. All of the Redskins' other stats are offensive.
Buccaneers 22, Redskins 13.

Oklahoma @ Miami (+7)

This one's not a professional game, despite the fact that most of the players on both teams probably make more money than I do. Miami, as documented in this space last week is counterfeit. Oklahoma may be as well, with four new starters on the offensive line, a backup quarterback, and all-everything tight end Jermaine Gresham lost for the season.

The transitive property of sports certainly isn't kind to the Sooners in this one. BYU beat Oklahoma, 14-13, then lost to Florida State by 26. The same Florida State team that Miami handled in their season opener. So Miami by three touchdowns, then?

As our increasingly addled crazy uncle is wont to say, not so fast, my friends. Oklahoma's defense is for reals, y'all. The points they allowed to BYU were the only one's they've surrendered this season. (Yes, I realize they've only played Idaho State and Tulsa.) And Landry Jones (Dad's a Cowboy fan, huh? I bet the kid's a jerk.) is triggering the offense nearly as effectively as Sam Bradford did last year.

And, as I may have mentioned, Miami's counterfeit. Sooners, and it won't even be close.

Bonus Dreadful Matchup of the Week

Tulane @ Army (-6)

The Green Wave rolls into Michie Stadium to battle the Black Knights of the Hudson in the ugly little sister to this weekend's Navy/Air Force tilt. 1-2 Tulane got their first win of the season last week, outlasting 1-AA foe McNeese State, 42-32. Army's back to a ground-based attack after a few years of ill-conceived pro-style misery. Their 2-2 mark includes a pair of wins against mediocre opponents, but at least they've beaten D-1 schools.

I can't be bothered to do much more research than that. Army does a better job at stopping this New Orleans weather system than the Corps of Engineers did the last.

G:TB's Week 17 NFL Picks: "I'm 37. I'm not old."

Twice in the last two days (and three times in the last month) Whitney's called me ('me' in this case, being rob) to serve as the arbiter of beer-fueled wagers. Let me offer a bit of guidance to all who may be otherwise inclined to bet against my larger, balder friend in matters of trivia: don't. Dude doesn't bet unless he knows he's right. Your bank account can thank me later.

Now, if the bet concerns the outcome of sporting events, feel free to risk the kids' college funds (or the dogs' tattoo funds, in Mark's case). Whitney hasn't won a sports bet since he had hair.

All of which serves as a mostly random introduction to the final NFL picks of the season and the much-anticipated resolution of the GTB/Wheelhouse Gambling Challenge. When we left our mild-mannered heroes, the standings looked like this:

Wheelhouse
43-35-2

Gheorghe
43-36-1

Astoundingly, both mediocre inside-joke blogs are assured records better than .500. All that's left to decide is who picks up the tab at the annual (and mythical) blogger holiday luncheon. Here goes nothing.

Redskins (+3) @ Niners

Today's Washington Post was chock-full of heart-warming stories about the end of Jim Zorn's first year. Mike Wise even dropped a Rudy Ruettiger story on us. I wish I were kidding. Even a cross-country flight to play a game against a sorta hot team can't stop that a team fueled by that kind of saccharine treacle. Skins win outright.

Giants (+6.5) @ Vikings

There's no good reason for New York to even show up for this game and no good reason whatsoever to pick them. So we like the Giants in a Tom Coughlin Says 'Fuck Your Conventional Wisdom' Contrarian Special.

Cowboys (+1) @ Eagles

I have exactly zero respect for Wade Phillips' ability to motivate his team, and even less respect for Jerry Jones's recent vote of confidnce in the Cowboys' rotund head man. On the other hand, I have a lot of respect for Jim Johnson, and a whole buncha belief in the Eagles defense and its desire to make amends for the egg it laid in this season's first Cowboys/Eagles matchup. Philly ensures that Tony Romo remains winless in the postseason.

New England (-6) @ Buffalo

Dick Jauron's boys got all frisky last week to give the viewing public a tasty Broncos/Chargers Sunday night treat. But Nas will bow down to Karl Rove's mad mic skills before a Bill Belichick team loses to Buffalo with the playoffs on the line. Patriots win going away.

St. Louis (-14.5) @ Atlanta

Quoth TJ via text message, "U picked Atlanta to win by 100, right?" Hard to argue with that kind of forceful and measured logic. Although I admit to pausing for a moment when he called them the 'Flacons'.

G:TB's Week 16 NFL Picks

Look at Dennis getting us started...now, does anyone else plan to pick a game?

I like Miami -4 at Kansas City and Philly -5 at Washington. I also like long walks on the beach, being tickled just right, and potpourri. I'm Dennis, and that's one to grow on.

Everybody's favorite random drunk, Greg, is back in my neck of the woods for a week or so. And in between pissing in the lobby of the local Sheraton and telling girls he was a minor league hockey player last night, well, we talked a little football. Greg says the Bucs (-3) are locks to beat San Diego today and keep their playoff hopes alive. I say Greg is a no good drunk who may or may not make out with his brother when they're reunited over the holidays. I also watched enough Brian Griese last week to know that the Bucs don't have Frosty's chance in hell (The (snow) man did some unspeakable shit with that corn cob pipe) with him under center. Fortunately, it looks like Garcia will get the start today. So, I'll go against my better judgement and take the Bucs (-3) at home.

I haven't picked two games in some time but I doubt TJ's going to pick any games since he's likely too busy texting Rob about W&M basketball. And Rob's not going to pick any games because he's playing Littlest Pet Shop with his girls (the size of the toys finally makes him feel like a grown up). And Whitney, well, who the fuck knows what that guy is doing. Other than getting drunk on some obscure micro-brew and listening to Springsteen bootlegs whilst masturbating to tapes from this, of course. Admittedly, thats a pretty full day for the old guy so we'll cut him some slack. However you slice it, it means I have to pick another game. Hey, the Texans have been hot lately...and the Raiders have been a pile of hot shit all season long. Looks good to me. Houston (-7.5) over the Silver & Black.

pick some games jerks

the minimalist version...

yeah, you heard me

okay, assmunch, we like the steelers on the road getting points (2.5) in baltimore.

Lions @ Indianapolis (-16.5)

I'm picking this game only because all of my G:TB colleagues told me not to. That and Dan Orlosky is starting at QB again against a Colts D that's tasted chicken blood again.... Danny will also be on a short leash apparently due to his inability to hit open receivers in practice against no defense. Oh, and the Lions are also not going to play Daunte again this year (for fear that he might throw 2 more TD's at which point a $1 Million dollar bonus kicks in), so it'll be Drew Stanton if things get really ugly. From there it becomes Randy Johnson at 6 AM after a night with his pal Johnny Walker...Colts by three TD's: 28-7.

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta (-3)

The Bucs have managed to go from a potential division clinching game on Monday night (since two wins over Carolina would've effectively given them a 2 game lead in the NFC South) to a possible playoff elimination death match in 6 days. This is quite an accomplishment, even for a franchise with such a storied history of losing and underachievement. Did anybody else read Peter King's story on Derrick Brooks in SI a couple weeks back? For that matter, does anybody even subscribe to SI anymore? ( I had since 4th grade and cancelled it this year. Now I just steal it from my gym. Its a week old at this point, but its not anything in there is groundbreaking news these days anymore. Not with the talking picture boxes and the email machines).

Yeah, I know, Peter King is an idiot and a bit of a nancy boy for my tastes too but, when given the right topic/subject (colonoscopies anyone?), he can be a hell of a reporter. King did a great job of profiling Brooks' weekly routine and mental preparation in order to help explain why he's remained one of the NFL's most consistent and a prolific linebackers despite being older than a number of assistant coaches in the league. It's my guess that Brook's mental preparation, as well as that of his defensive teammates, will help the Bucs' defense rebound after being embarrassed by Carolina last week and lift Tampa to a crucial division win that keeps the Bucs in the thick of the playoff hunt. Atlanta's been a surprise this year and Matt Ryan's far exceeded expectations for most of this year, but he's due for a down game and Monte Kiffin, Brooks and Co. feast on young, inexperienced signal callers. Even with Jeff Garcia possibly out (torn rectum) and the looming possibility of a drunken Brian Griese lobbing balls to the Atlanta defense, I'll take Tampa and the points in the Georgia Dome on Sunday.

and because we have to, we'll take the giants +3 and the eagles -14. suck it, trebek.

G:TB's Week 12 NFL Picks: You Don't Mess with the Zo(lt)han

San Francisco @ Dallas (-11)

Meatloaf is delicious, and underrated. On a chilly fall evening like the ones we're currently experiencing in the Mid-Atlantic, it's hard to beat a warm, moist, perfectly spiced hunk of baked ground beef glazed with a vaguely ketchuppy substance. Sometimes, a stew is nice, too, or a hearty winter soup. You can fuck right off with your sweet potatoes, though. I presume that Meatloaf, the singer, is less delicious, but he's probably equally underrated. I like the Cowboys to cover. And meatloaf. The food.

****************
Indianapolis (+3) at San Diego
Things we know: The Colts' offense is getting healthy. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego Sunday night. Norv Turner will be coaching San Diego in 2009. LT is running on empty (but not like Jackson Browne sang about so many years ago). People believe in Peyton's arm more than they believe in Norval's brain.

Peter King likes the Chargers. He busted out the misleading stat that the Chargers haven't lost at home since Week 2. That's because they lost at home on Week 1. Ease up on the lattes, Petey! The Chargers are two games behind a smelly Broncos squad in the AFC West race. That makes them a terrible team. Enough said on that. The Colts will throw and run all over the hobbled San Diego defense in the balmy southern California air. They will have their "we're-definitely-back-in-the-thick-of-the-playoff-race" moment on Sunday night because they are fired up to play in a town named after a whale's vagina. Actually, that's not true. Nobody knows what San Diego means. Take the Colts. And sip on three fingers of Glenlivet while watching the game.

****************
Giants @ Arizona (+3)
You know what's fucking fantastic? The new Steak n' Bacon melt from Subway. I know, I know, Subway is the worst place to get a good sandwich that any of us could imagine and the food there is anything but fresh. Listen to me, disregard everything you know about Subway and get yourself one of these fine flatbread sandwiches. If you are hungover come Sunday morning (and you should be) take a trip up to your local Subway, make sure to never make eye contact with the troll, er, sandwich artist making your sandwich and get your ass back to the house in time for the 1 pm kickoff. I guarantee you it will not only be delicious but also just greasy enough to stem the tide of your "fuck, I'm 30 and this hurts way more than it used to" hangover.

What does all that have to do with this game? Do I have to spell everything out for you people?
See, Kurt Warner is Subway. He rose to prominence in the early 2000s with the Rams (Jared campaign) before quickly falling back to the pack of average NFL signal callers. Now, he's back to shredding defenses ($5 footlooongs) and praising Jeebus at every turn. Sadly, much like the Steak n' Bacon, Warner's resurgence is for a limited time only. He's going to get crushed by a relentless Giants pass rush on Sunday and Arizona's going to be eliminated in the first round of the upcoming playoffs. The Cardinals, like Subway, are only good in comparison to the rest of the NFC West (fast food). Take the Giants.

****************

Philadelphia @ Baltimore (-1.5)

Believe it or not, there is actually a Vegas line for back to back ties in the NFL (that's in the regular season for those classy QB's reading at home). It currently stands at 569 to 1. While I don't think I'd take even those odds, this will be a close game. The Ravens defense has been on a Ray Ray-imposed penance of raw meat and pickle juice since last week's embarassing performance versus the G-boys; so a safety or two will be the difference here. G:TB likes the Ravens in this one. Blackbirds win it 5-3.

G:TB's Week 9 NFL Picks: Saaaaaaved by zeeeeero!

For some reason I feel like buying a Toyota...

Miami @ Denver (-3.5)

Courage. It elevates mere men to something greater. It’s also how Dan Rather enigmatically closed his nightly broadcasts, but that’s not really relevant to the point. The courage to stand alone as those around you clamor against your conviction is among the most vital pillars of our ruggedly individualistic society. This week, friends, I stand before you in full knowledge that the rest of my colleagues hurl brickbats against the fortress of my gambling knowledge, assailing the forthcoming selection on the grounds that Wildcats trump mountains and mediocrity knows no geographic distinction. The vigil of the courageous is a lonely one at times. Nearly as lonely as the vigil of the stubbornly stupid.

Once more into the breach, then, gentlemen, with the Broncos covering at home.

Tampa Bay (-9.5) @ Kansas City
By now I think we all realize how bad the Chiefs are. And sadly, its not just the product on the field. Just look at Carl Peterson and company's recent decision making. They chose to let an elite pass rusher who had cleaned up his life get away in free agency while also deciding to retain the services of a good, not great, tailback who has a penchant for excessive drinking, violence towards women and a complete lack of respect for authority (Which brings up the question? What the hell was going on when Larry Johnson was in Happy Valley? Was he running absolutely fucking wild whilst the coaching staff and athletic department covered it all up or did he lose his ever loving mind when he got away from Dad and Joe Pa? But I digress). The point here is that Kansas City should be glad that Detroit wasn't relegated to the Arena League or else they'd be the laughingstock of the NFL. HOWEVA, there's not a chance in hell the Bucs will score enough points on the road in one of the league's loudest venues to cover this spread. Not with Jeff Garcia hop, hop, hopping his way around the pocket and surely not with Michael Clayton dropping passes and cutting off routes. The Bucs are a good team but they depend on their opponents' offensive miscues for big offensive days of their own and Kansas City will be just average enough to cover in Arrowhead.

G:TB’s First Annual Conrad Efraim Selection:

New York Jets (+5.5) at Buffalo Bills
The name Conrad Efraim may not ring a bell to you. It should. It is the given name of Teej’s wrestling hero, S.D. “Special Delivery” Jones. Mr. Jones was a hard-working wrestler for many years in the WWF. He toiled in the nether-regions of the sport – famous enough to be cheered, skilled enough to put on a good match, yet absent the sufficient flair required to be a consistent winner. He was lumped in with the (pre-killer B’s) B. Brian Blairs, Iron Mike Sharpes and Steve Lombardis (aka the Brooklyn Brawler) of the wrestling world in the 1980’s. He staged some memorable bouts against the likes of “Dr. D” David Schultz, Adrian Adonis and Ken Patera. He always came up short despite putting on a good show for the audience. He was such a memorable performer that Counting Crows' frontman Adam Duritz wrote a song about hanging out with the guy in an effort to impress Courtney Cox. I think.

Mr. Efraim passed away yesterday in Antigua, suffering a heart attack at the age of 63. May we all stain our rugs tonight, pouring out some of our 40 ouncers in memory of our homey.

We will honor Mr. Efraim’s spirit with this week’s pick. We focus on a blue-collar team that shows promise, yet lacks the flair to reach the top. That team is the New York Jets. They show flashes, they seduce their fans, yet they ultimately can’t get the job done. I speak of their season, and I speak of their game this week. Getting 5.5 points against a Schobel-less Buffalo squad is too enticing to pass over. Yet the Jets face their own injury problems. Multiple players have suffered concussions recently. ILB David Harris got nicked up last week and will miss the game. Jerricho Cotchery and Tony Richardson are suffering from various ailments and will be less than 100%. Blocking tight end Bubba Franks will also be out. And QB Brett Favre has played like he is mentally impaired.

The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will keep it close. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will give fans a reason to think they can pull off the upset. The Jets, like S.D. Jones, will ultimately lose. Jay Feeley will end up as a goat in this game, as his atrophied leg will fail to provide the “Special Delivery” needed in a close game. Take the Jets to keep it close – Buffalo 16, Jets 13.

Philly @ Seattle (+5.5) and Pittsburgh @ Washington (-1.5):
Picks - Eagles and Steelers
There's a song originally written by Phil Ochs many moons ago called "Here's To The State of Mississippi". It's a song filled with anguish of the common man as he is deceived, tormented, and misguided by those that govern him. It has mutated from its primal form over the years to fit the current times in which it resides (e.g. "Here's To The State of Richard Nixon", "Here's To The State of George W.", etc.) - all of which reflect the same sentiment of communal negativity. In the spirit of forthcoming change (and to make this bit work properly), G:TB will not only change the lyrical content of this simple, but brilliant piece; but the theme as well. The current state of Pennsylvania has become that of overwhelming jubilance and hope culminating with this past week's World Series victory for the Phillies. It has the Penn State Nittany Lions, who are poised to bring JoPa a National Title at the age of 112, after having beaten the Bucks at the Horseshoe for the first time in 30 years. Finally it has two NFL teams that are teetering on greatness...

Here's to the lads of Pennsylvania
They're laying olive branches as they open the prison door
Their bellies bounce inside them as they pick you up off the floor
No they don't like taking prisoners in their private little war
Behind their broken badges there are martyrs and more
Oh, here's to the land you've torn out the heart of
Pennsylvania, there's no other country to be part of...

G:TB's Week 8 NFL Picks

At this point you would think we weren't even trying...

Buffalo @ Miami (+1.5)

This is dumb. Really dumb. I'm about to pick a road favorite to cover against a team that drilled New England and San Diego this season. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Somebody stop me. Wait, New England and San Diego are shadows of themselves for a number of reasons in 2008? The Dolphins lost by two touchdowns to Joe Flacco at home last week? Trent Edwards leads the AFC in completion percentage, is second in passer rating, and has only thrown two picks? Ah, fuck it. I like the Bills.

Arizona @ Carolina (-4.5)

Last time the Cardinals flew East for some hot pigskin action, they were beaten by the Redskins and annihilated by the Jets in successive weeks. Western teams in the Eastern time zone this season are 0-fer. Carolina just took the Saints' lunch money. It'll take more than Anquan Boldin's Steve Austin impersonation to carry the Cards over the Panthers in Charlotte. Gimme some Carolina, and load it up with plenty of sauce.

Atlanta (+9) at Philadelphia
G:TB is drunk on Matty Ice and feels that this 4-2 Falcons squad is not getting its due against the 3-3 Eagles. Much has been said about the strength of the NFC East, but that is a classic example of pundits trying to craft a story too early in the season. Philadelphia has been up and down all year, but remain overhyped because of their one quality win against the Steelers. Atlanta has a couple decent wins this year, on the road against Green Bay and home against Chicago.

Both teams are coming off bye weeks heading into this game. Falcons fans will enjoy the efforts of a rested John "Hamstrings of Porcelain" Abraham. The Eagles will have a somewhat healed Bryant Westbrook ready to go, but he will likely still be less than 100%. Another key item - Eagles fans may be less cruel than normal if their Phillies hold a lead going into Sunday. That means less battery dodging will be needed by Michael Turner and Rowdy Roddy White.

We think this game is much closer than the spread indicates. The Falcons may not win, but they should keep it close. Take the Falcons

Tampa Bay @ Dallas (-2)
I'm not quite sure why I keep picking Bucs games. I mean, I don't have very good luck with them and I've already admitted that my fandom precludes me from seeing things as clearly as I would if I was picking, say, the Carolina-Arizona game. But, with that said, I've been busy today with work, a fantasy draft and discussing fashion with Geoff and TJ in a chat room this afternoon, so I might as well stick to what I know if I want to get this thing finished in time for TJ.

It's been well documented that Dallas is a hot mess. When you're starting a QB who's 40+ and thats not even among your 3 biggest problems, well, you're in a heap of shit. Seriously, want to know how old Brad Johnson is? He was the starting QB for the home team in the first ever college football game I ever attended. I turned 31 two weeks ago, if that gives you any idea how long ago that was. Now listen, I love Brad Johnson...he won the Bucs a Super Bowl, but I have a hard time believing that he's going to carry the Cowboys to victory in this one all by his lonesome. That said, I also have a hard time seeing the Bucs putting up a ton of points against a Dallas front seven that should constantly pressure Jeff Garcia. Additionally, Garcia's noodle arm and the lack of playmakers on the outside for Tampa make it highly unlikely that the Bucs will be able to burn the inexperienced Dallas secondary enough times to make the Cowboys defense stop what promises to be a constant barrage of exotic blitzes (Are exotic blitzes from Asia, or some small Cental American country? What makes them so exotic?). Honestly, this game is probably going to suck. Even if you're a Tampa fan (Greg) you might want to have another game as your primary viewing option come Sunday. I dont want to do this, but I'll take the Cowboys.

G:TB's Week 7 NFL Picks - Rut Ro, Raggy

Tennessee @ Kansas City (+8)

Brodie Croyle is the quintessential Alabama quarterback - white, floppy-haired, dating a cheerleader, moderately talented, completely incapable of carrying a team. And as much as I love Brodie Croyle, he's as unqualified to be an NFL starting quarterback as Sarah Palin is to be President. Much like Jay Barker before him and John Parker Wilson over the next 3-4 years, Croyle is nothing so much as the NFL QB equivalent of a fair catch. By starting Croyle, the Chiefs are giving up. They're focusing on not getting anyone injured, and living the 'discretion is the better part of valor' credo until they can draft a real signal-caller next Spring. Tennessee wins this game by a lot more than 8.

Detroit @ Houston (-8.5)
The Detroit Lions are Washington Nationals awful. There’s really no need to have a write up about this game, but, if you must… Detroit is 2nd to last in the NFL in both Rushing and Passing defense. They are starting a minor league hockey player named Dan Orlovsky at QB whose rating sits firmly at 59.6 through 4 games (and was seen gloriously running out of the back of the endzone during a scramble last week like he had no idea what the white lines meant around the field). And the team just traded their best offensive weapon on Tuesday (who they mysteriously stopped using over the past 2 years). This will be ugly…Houston 31, Lions 6.

Jets (-3) at Oakland
Much has been said about the sad state of Al Davis’ 2008 Oakland Raiders. Most of it is negative. And some of it is true. The owner is morphing into the host of Tales from the Crypt, the interim coach is a loser, the QB is fat, the defensive coordinator looks like an extra in Sons of Anarchy, the kicker is a date rapist, etc. On the field, the team has performed poorly, still waiting for its two young offensive prospects to get it going on the field. Unfortunately, this isn’t the week that McFadden and Russell will get their groove back. They will struggle against a surprisingly stout Jets defense that plays well against the run (giving up 69 yards per game on the ground - clicks) and gets at the quarterback (18 sacks in 5 games). Look for the Jets D to pressure Russell into a couple bad picks this week. G:TB predicts that Jets safety Kerry Rhodes will get his first INT of the year this week as he snares an errant 50 yard bomb that Russell uncorks. Oakland will show why they’ve only scored 81 points in five games this year.

The match-up between the Jets offense and the Raiders defense also tilts in New York’s favor. Oakland has given up at least 24 points in each of their four losses, though it came against some formidable foes (SD, Denver, New Orleans, Buffalo). And they’ve given up an average of 130 yards on the ground in those games. The Jets new and improved blocking contingent, bolstered by Alan Faneca and Tony Richardson, should be able to create openings for Thomas Jones and Leon Washington.

The recipe for Jets success is to be balanced enough that their 83 year old QB doesn’t have to break a hip trying to make plays. After an ugly win last week over Cincy last week, the Jets will be focused and ready to feast on the underbelly of their schedule (home against Cincy, at Oakland, home against KC, at Buffalo, home against St. Louis). The Jets will score enough and defend enough to walk away unscathed. Prediction: Jets cover, winning 23-14.

Seattle @ Tampa Bay (-10.5)
The easiest money in the NFL is right here. Not in the actual game mind you, but in betting that the folks at NBC will show us an old team photo of the Packers featuring Jon Gruden and Mike Holgrem as Al Michaels discusses how much respect these two coaches have for one another. I swear to god, if I lived in Vegas I'd put my entire 401K on it. Unfortunately (or fortunately if you're my septum) I don't live in Vegas so I'll have to find some other ways to make that extra cash we all so desperately need right now. In somewhat related news, John Madden won't be broadcasting this game as he says he's too worn out and needs a week off from, you know, sitting on a luxury bus, eating Bloomin' Onions and working for 5 hours a week. While this story certainly passes the smell test, I have it on good authority that Madden's not coming to Tampa because he curb stomped a stripper at Mons last time he was in town because Monte Kiffin dared him too. Monte's a bit of a sadist you see. Everybody always wonders why he's never approached for a head coaching job. Well, that's easy. He has a trunk full of dead hookers (and Shaun King...don't ask) buried in his backyard. Its a massive cover up and people all over Tampa are in on it but, honestly, things much worse than this happen in Tampa on a weekly basis (Don't believe me? Have TJ send you some of the articles he sends me each week). Anyway, as for this game, I'm a bit weary about taking the Bucs when they're giving up so many points but its a rare home night game and Seneca Wallace is starting for the first time since he teamed with Hiawatha Jones (seriously) in the backfield at Iowa State. Tampa's going to score at least one defensive touchdown and Jeff Garcia will be just efficient enough to score another TD or two. Frankly, I'd be surprised if the Seahawks break double digits. Take the Bucs.

G:TB's Week 6 NFL Picks

Yeah, there's only three picks here...for now. There will be five before kickoff tomorrow (I think)...

Baltimore @ Indianapolis (+4)

I'm a lousy gambler. There's a reason I don't bet my own money on NFL games - I've demonstrated a profound ability to lose it faster than a Lehman Brothers broker on a derivatives bender. Part of the reason for this phenomenon, if not all of it, is my propensity for making picks on instinct rather than any thought whatsoever. In fact, this is actually in very close keeping with the manner in which I live my life. Instinct trumps preparation as a rule. So far, so good.

The purpose of this ramble, then, is to preface my preference for the Colts. I like Indy for two reasons (three, if you count pure gut feel): a) to paraphrase a paraphrase of Mark Twain's famously bastardized quote, the rumors of the Colts' demise have been greatly exaggerated - even as their line play has been terrible on both sides of the ball, they've still managed to break even on the season. I think they're due a breakout game, and b) Joe Flacco. We're talkin' 'bout Joe Flacco. Joe Flacco, man. Joe Flacco. Not Peyton Manning. Not Peyton Manning. Joe Flacco.

Oakland @ New Orleans (-7.5)
There isn't a legitimate coach in North America that would touch the Oakland job - I mean they probably couldn't convince Ty Willingham to take the gig (Hold it. I said legitimate coach didn't I? Nevermind). The Raiders will struggle mightily until they have an owner that can put together a group that actually cares about winning together. So, I'd say they have another 6 to 9 more years until Al Davis croaks and they can rebuild anew. In the meantime, they'll lack the leadership it takes to win in the NFL and keep losing along the way. This just isn't the time to run into a talented team at home coming off back to back dominating performances on the road..think about what it might be like if Peter North got paired up with a young starlet the day after coming home from to find his wife in flagrante delicto with a co-star.

Sai...Hold on. What's that noise? No. It can't be. It can't be. That...that's Zornstar's music. Redskins (-13.5) over the Rams by 2 touchdowns, 2 field goals and one giant bukakke....

Carolina (+1.5) @ Tampa Bay
You know whats I dont like about the MLB playoffs this year? No Ozzie Gullien. Sure, that guy's a dick and and complete nutjob, but its the fun kind of nutjob. You're never quite sure whether he's going to call a closeted writer gay (He'd have a field day with the Wheelhosers) or headbutt his closer as he takes the mound to close out a game. It's a good kind of crazy. Contrast that with Jon Gruden's kind of crazy and you begin to see the difference. Gruden's a micro-manager who completely over thinks just about any situation his team is involved in. For example: During the Bucs-Packers game a couple weeks ago I was talking to one of my old roomates and he asked me what I thought the Bucs would do on 3rd and goal from the 3 yard line. I replied that I wasn't sure of the playcall but I was sure that two tight ends would be involved and at least two men would be put in motion prior to the snap. Well, guess what happened? The Bucs came out with a WR split right and a tight end over the right tackle with another tight end over the left tackle. Once the Bucs got set, the WR moved in motion to the left and split out wide which was followed by the tight end on the left splitting out into the slot next to the WR, which was followed by the tight end from the right moving to the left and setting up over the left tackle. Once all these things had taken place, the Bucs ran a HB dive with Warrick Dunn (who's not their power back...I swear to god, Earnest Graham must have knocked up Gruden's wife, 10 fucking carries in Denver last week? Seriously Gruden...fuck off.) who ended up gaining a yard. Seriously...is all, hell, is any of that necessary for a HB dive? Watching the Gruden version of the West Coast offense is going to drive me back to meth one of these days.

Of course, Carolina doesn't do any of this shit. They just line up and beat you with their playmakers (Which is part of the problem I guess, the Bucs lack playmakers in a major way. During the Packer game the same old roommate and I tried to determine who the Bucs would use in their version of the Wildcat offense. We drew a blank. Honestly, try and find 3 guys on that offense who are dynamic enough to be involved in that type of offense...not gonna happen). As long as Steve Smith isn't on my fantasy team he's a beast, Muhsin Muhammad is rejuvenated and the Williams-Stewart combo is probably the leagues' best young tailback tandem. I can't figure out why the Bucs are favored here, but I do know its far too late in the afternoon for me to be this sober on my birthday so I might as well wrap this up. Take the points, and take the Panthers.

G:TB's Week 5 NFL Picks: The Keyser Soze of Sex

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that... he is gone.

Seattle at NY Giants (-7.5)
No Plaxi, no laundry. Seattle’s D keeps them in this one, forcing the Giants to run the ball for small chunks of yards. While I don’t expect the ‘Hawks to win, this will be a game of ball control and field goals (and probably a couple turnovers per side). Giants 16, Seahawks 13.

Indianapolis at Houston (+3.5)
This line offends me. I can only assume Peyton Manning will take exception as well. The Colts have had 2 weeks to rest and iron out the early season wrinkles. Our boy Steve Slaton will probably have over 150 multipurpose yards, but the Texans’ dormant passing attack will rear its ugly head once again. And they’ll need to air it out if they hope to stay with the baby horses. No chance. Colts win 31-13.

Chicago @ Detroit (+3)
Martin Mull, Martin Lawrence, Martin(a) Navratilova, Ricky Martin, Martin Gramatica, Billy Martin, Martin McFly, Steve Martin, Mark Martin, Martin Scorcese, Martin Brodeur, and Martin Van Buren all have the same chance of guiding the Lions to success this season as new GM Martin Mayhew. Except Gramatica. He's awful. Bears cover big.

Atlanta at Green Bay (-7)
I like Green Bay to cover at home against Atlanta. Matt Ryan has yet to impress me, while Rodgers and his sneaky enormous nose have shown something. Too many folks are quick to dismiss the Pack's chances with a banged-up Rodgers or a green Matt Flynn at the helm. Look for the Pack to remind folks that the Falcons suck. (Note - Rhymo is far too busy rescuing the American economy from sure catastrophe, or at least from a severe reduction in bonuses to Wall Street execs, to give us his normal biting humor. Funny stuff to resume next week, pending restoration of America's financial might.)

Sorry I'm late but trying to get TJ and Rob to effectively communicate is like trying to get Nick Saban to stop spreading baby blood on his English muffins in the morning...a lost cause. Anyway...

Cincinnati (+17) @ Dallas
You know how you can tell this is one of those really strange NFL seasons? J.T. O'Sullivan isn't the league's least likely multi-week starting QB less than halfway through the season. No, that honor goes to Harvard's own Ryan Fitzpatrick. Sure, Carson Palmer's listed as questionable but the only thing questionable about Palmer this week is whether or not he's going to even bother wearing a headset to hear the offensive calls while on the sideline this Sunday. Why in God's name isn't he doing everything short of fucking Marvin Lewis' St. Bernard in order to get traded away from this moribund franchise? I understand that he's the franchise player and all, but I bet he could manage to convince the Bengals to trade him if he cut a hole in the top of Levi Jones' car and pissed all over the interior. Is that completely wrong and over the top? Yes. Would it be worth it to get the hell out of the seventh level of football hell he currently resides in? Fuck and yes.

I mean, he does realize he's wasting the prime of his career playing in a shitty town on a team full of miscreants and uninspired jackasses whilst being coached by the most overrated coordinator this side of Dave Wannstedt, right? Honestly, has any coordinator turned one great season into a more lucrative career than Lewis? Are we really so sure that Wade Phillips or Dick LeBeau couldn't have done just as good (or better) of a job with that absolutely loaded Ravens defense? Nothing I've seen in the past 7 years has me convinced. What I'm saying here is, despite the completely ludicrous line, take the damn Cowboys.

G:TB's Week 4 NFL Picks

We were winless last week. Therefore I am not allowed to write any more than what you just read:

San Francisco @ New Orleans (-6)
You buying the 2-1 49ers? Yeah, neither am I. Wins over Seattle and Detroit are about as impressive as Sarah Palin’s resume. New Orleans’ defense is less intimidating than Barney Frank in a tutu, but the Saints’ scoring side more than makes up for it. Despite the fact that Sean Payton’s visor makes him look for all the world like Jamie Kennedy in Malibu’s Most Wanted, the fact is the dude can coach up some offense. Mike Nolan looks suspiciously like John Boehner, right down to the store-bought tan, and us average betting fools simply can’t trust a guy that looks like that. SAINTS and the points, because Lord help me, if I go 0-3 I’m putting a steady diet of Frankie Goes to Hollywood on repeat here at G:TB.

Here’s some genyoowine Big Easy listening to get you in the mood. (rob, before you have a hissy fit, embedding has been disabled on this video, so all you get is a link)

As a bonus five-star lock in honor of our friends at the Wheelhouse, bet your bailout windfall on Alabama over Georgia Saturday night. Yes, that pick looks like a whole mess of homerrific wishful thinking on the face of it (again with the bailout talk, sheesh), but Alabama’s interior linemen are better than Georgia’s on both sides of the ball. And you can take that to the bank.

Arizona Cardinals (+1.5) at New York Jets
There’s an article in today’s NY Times that shows a very human and flattering side of Cardinals’ QB Kurt Warner. His kids are well-behaved, conscientious and religious, and the family preaches good manners and regularly pays for dinners for strangers in restaurants. And his wife no longer has a flat-top. It paints the portrait of a guy who’s very comfortable with where he’s at and what he’s done.

That said, this ain’t a church meeting. It’s the NFL. That stands for Not Favre Long, which is how long Brett will struggle in 2008. Arizona is going to be in for a rude awakening on Sunday. Look for the Jets to finally get some pressure on Arizona, who’ve given up 2-3 sacks per game. The sun will clear in the swamps of Jersey, Warner will fumble a couple times, Sean Ellis and Calvin Pace will make some plays and Thomas Jones will have a good day. Also, there will be two official friends of G:TB at the game to root root root for the home team. They share a first name, a passion for the Jets, loud voices and a love of processed meats. Take the Jets to cover.

Minnesota at Tennessee (-2.5)
When people talk about Minnesota, they mention a dominant defense and a lack of quality QB play. Well, this Sunday won’t be any different. Their defense will stop the run and their QB will suck hind teet. The difference is their opponent has an equally stifling defense (allowing less than 10 pts a game, and holding standouts such as Andre Johnson and TJ Hoosierdaddy to less than 30 yards apiece), but has a QB that was NEVER a 1000 to 1 favorite against a padded wall and ended up a loser (Hello Gustopher). There is a zero percent chance Frerotte strolls into Tennessee and comes out a winner. Titans win 16-10. And yes, take the under if you are so inclined.

Philadelphia (+3) at Chicago
Here’s something you may not know – the Bears have the 5th WORST pass defense in the league right now. The last thing they need is a team that throws the ball 40 times a game. Combine that with a banged up Westbrook, and it sounds like McNabb better get the icy hot shoulder wrap ready. The Philly D also appeared to learn a few things from the Dallas debacle (or maybe Dallas is just that good, don’t know) about getting to the quarterback – as evident by the 9-sack tar-and-feathering of Big Ben last weekend. We don’t see Kyle Orton finding any answers either...Philly wins 24-13 as the NFC East continues its domination.

San Diego (-7) @ Oakland
Have you ever sat down and watched JaMarcus Russell try and run the Raiders' offense? Its like watching Greg try and stop one of his impromptu drunken nosebleeds. There's no real direction, things get messy really quickly and eventually you just wanna throw up. The man is an absolute mess under center. He doesn't read defenses well (never has), displays little to no touch on his short and intermediate throws and is as inaccurate a passer as you'll see at this level. Honestly, the biggest upset in Oakland isn't that Lane Kiffin still has a job, but that the Dolphins were the first team to heavily employ the Wildcat package in their offense. (Which brings up something I've been thinking about...Is JaMarcus Russell the Bizarro Chad Pennington? Think about it, one has all the intangibles you want in a QB with little to none of the physical skills while the other has every conceivable physicall attribute you could desire in a QB but combines that with low mental acuity for the position as well as a, umm, subpar work ethic).

On the other hand, Phillip Rivers is starting to look like the savvy, smart QB he was at NC State while also having more weapons at his disposal than ever before. I'd expect the San Diego's offense to continue to play at the high level they've established since the 2nd half of their first game. However, I also expect San Diego's defense (2 ints, at least, book it) and Darren Sproles to supply the offense with steady diet of good field position and opportunites to score. See, what I'm saying here is this one won't be close. Chargers...big.

G:TB's Week 3 NFL Picks

No introduction needed, other than to say G:TB is winning this "battle" by a game heading into Week 3. I believe Gheorghe is 6-4 while the Wheeladobe is 5-5. You could cut the tension with a balloon. Picks below, and it's on you to figure out who wrote them (hint: Whitney may have entered witness protection, thinking all U.S. Marshalls look like Mary McCormack, so don't pick him):

New York Jets (+9) at San Diego Chargers
Things people don’t know about the Chargers: They’ve given up an average of 287 yards per game. And that's against the Broncos and Panthers, two teams that aren’t perceived as offensive juggernauts. They’ve also surrendered 32 points per game. And they’re averaging less than 100 rushing yards per game.

The Jets offense has been as weak as Mangini’s ability to say no to doughnuts, but you have to think (hope?) it will get better. They have new pieces that have to mesh on the offensive line, and Favre is still learning the playbook. On defense, they’ve shown some toughness, although they need Vernon Gholston to get a hold of Merriman’s steroids dealer if he wants to be on the field for more than twelve plays this week. That’s looking like a solid draft pick, now isn’t it?

Nonetheless, a 9 point cushion is a lot to give a team that has Norv Turner calling the shots and Phil Rivers leading the offense. The Jets should be competitive in this one. Take the Jets.

Cardinals @ Redskins (-3)
The immovable object (my abject disdain for Dan Snyder) meets the irresistible force (Zorn!) in Sunday’s Skins/Cards tilt. Snyder’s diabolically brilliant move to have Vinny Cerrato host 4 hours of drive-time radio each week should pay long-term dividends, as it will distract the Skins’ GM from his theoretical day job – a clear case of addition by subtraction. In the short term, though, the impact is harder to assess. Will Durant Brooks succumb to the pressure of punting for his career, now that Vinny will be too busy to protect him? Will Chris Cooley’s dong sneak out during a lull in the action and make a phone call to Radio Free Vinny? How will the Skins handle Buges when he strokes out while trying to figure out what the heck Cerrato’s actually paid to do around Ashburn? Oh, and the Cardinals offense is more explosive than Chris Berman on a burrito and Coors Light bender. We’ll take Arizona and the points.

Buccaneers (+3) @ Bears
I'm not even sure why I'm bothering to do a pick this week. I mean, my head is so overrun with images of toothless rednecks wearing creamsicle orange and singing the lyrics to Rocky Top whilst slugging Evan Williams that I can't even think straight. While others may see a blowout ahead for Florida over Tennessee, I have a sneaking suspicion that Saturday's game in Knoxville is going to be tight late into the 4th quarter. However, I'm not here to pick the result of the battle between the Gators and Vols but to discuss the renewal of a former NFC North Division rivalry between the Bucs and the Bears. Most of my childhood Sundays were spent watching the Bucs be pummeled within their division, and no team was more responsible for this then the Bears. They bullied, bloodied and beat the Bucs with a yawn inducing offense and a stout defense (some things never change). Their fans outnumbered Bucs fans 3-to-1 at the Old Sombrero and didn't hesitate to talk as much shit as humanly possible when the Bears inevitably pulled away from Tampa late...in the 1st quarter.

Some people have tried to make a big deal out of the fact that Brian Griese used to play for Chicago and thus should have a grasp of their defensive strengths and weaknesses. Of course, this line of reasoning neglects to take into account that Griese's time in Chicago also means that Lovie Smith and Bob Babich are keenly aware of how much Brian Griese sucks. Which is to say...a whole, whole bunch. With Tampa on the road and facing a team with a suspect offense, the focus should be on establishing the running attack, with a heavy emphasis on Earnest Graham, (Remembers Tennessee 2001...punches desk) and keeping the defense fresh so they can throw the proverbial kitchen sink at Kyle Orton. However, if I know Jon Gruden like I think I do, the focus will end up being on multiple bunch formations, tons of men in motion and at least 3 illegal procedure penalties. There's not enough of a difference between Griese and Orton to allow me to take Tampa on the road. Take Chicago and the under.

St. Louis (+9) at Seattle
Through two weeks, the Rams have scored 16 points. Stellar job, well done Scott Linehan. Oh yeah, they've also allowed 79. This week, they drag their sorry asses to the land of Xavier McDaniel and Swint chick flicks as 9 point dogs. Both teams are 0-2 in the trifling NFC West. Seems like a fine spread to me. Oh wait, the Seahawks are starting Logan Payne, Courtney Taylor and Michael Bumpus at wideout this week. Three weeks ago Matt Hasselbeck had such severe back pain they gave him a spinal epidural. Linehan's club sucks, they probably lose, but they cover...and Lane Kiffin leaves Scott another profanity-laced 3am voicemail. Take the Rams (most likely the last time you'll hear that this year).

G:TB's Week 2 NFL Picks

Yeah, so this rousing competition is tied after one week. It's a ratings bonanza. Anyway, I've got two picks from the home office, so we'll start with these...Dennis "The Greek" is up first:

San Diego at Denver (+1.5)
Mike Shanahan claims, this year, Jay Cutler moves into elite quarterback status (ahem, now that he has his “diabetes” under control). NFL coaches, and Shanahan to an extreme, usually downplay a team/player’s prowess to the media – if only to screw fantasy geeks across the country. So, when a coach slurps his QB publicly so early in the season I tend to believe him. And the proof presented itself to those of us that stayed up late to watch Cutler, without his best offensive weapon (Brandon Marshall), shred a typically stout pass defense on the road on opening night. So, let’s see…a proven running attack coupled with a lethal passing game – sounds like some touchdowns to us.

G:TB also loves getting points at home (in its season home-opener) against a team with banged up playmakers (LT/Gates are nursing injuries already and Phil Rivers is Phil Rivers) and a defense that just a week ago blew a lead to a team led by a QB coming off Tommy John surgery and a hysterectomy.

Golden Nugget of the Week – since 2005, Denver has NEVER lost as an underdog at home.

Broncos win 27-16.

And here is rob showing some faith in his ballclub...

New Orleans at Washington (Pick 'Em)
Things that could cause the Saints not to beat the Redskins by two touchdowns this week:

• New Orleans sits out the 4th quarter in a show of solidarity with the team from the town that came so famously to the Big Easy's aid during the Katrina funfest. In which case the Saints would only win by one touchdown.
• Chris Cooley's wife lures Jeremy Shockey into a dark alley (that one behind Mr. Days, probably) on Saturday night for a blanket party/dumpster stuffing, and the Saints' tight end doesn't get free until Monday morning.
• Roger Goodell suspends New Orleans' entire defensive front 7 at halftime for violating the league's rules against excessive violence in the first half.
• Jim Zorn implements the 'decept and deceive' offensive package he picked up during this week's mountain bike excursion with President Bush.
• Saints distracted by Skins fan Geoff's fabulous slacks/shoes/belt combination.
• Five words: Jason Campbell to Malcolm Kelly.

PICK: Not the Redskins, if you really need me to spell it out. And yes, my despair and disdain are clearly coloring this pick.

Mark and Rhym-O and perhaps even my lazy ass will have more picks later...here's Rhym-O:

Baltimore (+4.5) at Houston
We’re no Jimmy the Greek (though some of us drink as much as him), but we’re perceptive enough to know that sometimes a line just doesn’t look right. That’s the vibe we get when looking at this Week 2 AFC North battle. The Houston Texans, fresh off a three hour spanking at the hands of Mike Tomlin’s Pittsburgh Steelers, open their home schedule against a feisty Ravens squad whose defense seems to have woken up. Say what you want about Joe “The Delaware Destroyer” Flacco, he “managed the clock” and led the Ravens to a win last week. He may have posted Boller-esque numbers, but he didn’t throw any INTs and he ran for 37 yards (Translation – he didn’t kill them). The same can’t be said for Matt Schaub, who threw a pair of picks and was sacked five times last week. He won’t get much of a reprieve from the Steelers’ tough D when he lines up against the Ravens.

When you have a match-up of two mediocre quarterbacks, you have to look at the running game and the defense to decide the winner. G:TB like Baltimore’s McGahee/Rice/McClain* combo a lot better than Houston’s Slaton/Green duo. And we like the murderous Ravens defense over Mario Williams and company. Take the Ravens.

*We’re speaking, of course, about Le’Ron McClain, second year fullback out of Bama. Familiar with him before last week? Me neither. And, yes, an apostrophe comes before the second capital letter of his first name. As in D’Brickashaw. D’Duh.

Anddddd, here's Mark with his weekly shot at Geoffrey:

Atlanta (+7) at Tampa Bay:
Okay, let me get this straight. Geoff was so offended by my assertion in last week's picks that he "might" be gay that he decided to build his picks this week around a story about Steve McNair's junk. Nice work, Sparky, way to put those rumors to rest.

While I'm enjoying this little feud with Geoff, I'm already completely annoyed with the Bucs this season. First, they blow a completely winnable game in New Orleans on Sunday because nobody in their secondary could cover a single Saints receiver (did you see any of Brees' 3 TD passes? Greg could've thrown them...and we all know Germans can't throw for shit) and now Jeff Garcia and Jon Gruden are engagd in a public slapfight over whether or not Garcia is healthy enough to play against Atlanta. I have no idea who to believe here (One's a gay, the other's an asshole...put them together and you get Geoff!) so much like Brian Griese I'm going to have a few drinks and try and forget it all ever happened. Speaking of drunks, 'ole Matty Ice sure had a great debut last week, huh? Well, I hope he enjoyed it because he's facing a real, live NFL team this weekend and Greg White hasn't raped a white boy in DAYS. The Bucs aren't playoff bound this year but they ain't the fucking Lions either. Give the points and take Tampa.

And my worthless afternoon contribution:

New England at New York Jets (-2)*
Picking this game sucks. It has been talked about so much I keep ending up on Antiques Road Show. Or watching the entire ShamWow! infomercial. Good shit right there...most powerful Towel I've seen since this guy. Anyway, with Matt Cassel at QB for the Patriots, and the Jetropolitans looking decent, if not necessarily good, on both sides of the ball for 50 minutes last week, I've gotta like the Jets here. (Yes, yes, the Dolphins were 1-15 last year and a guy with a paper mache arm almost beat them in the final seconds. But a win is a win.) Besides, I'm not a very good gambler, and a stat like this intrigues me: Favorite is 7-2-1 ATS in their last 10 meetings. Vegas is smarter than me. Jets by a TD in fact.

*Seriously, could someone finally explain to me how I write the point spreads when doing these picks? I am clueless.