Friday, October 17, 2008

Welcome to the Bummingdome


I'm stuck in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle of bummingness, a place I haven't visited much since I've become a father. This magical place can only be visited by following these three steps:

1) Catch a brutal cold and try to ignore it.
2) Ensure sleep deprivation all week (enhancing the effects of Step 1).
3) Gorge on processed pork and rich beer at a German restaurant on a Thursday night.

By Friday, you will understand the Bermuda Triangle and be a runny-nosed, feverish mess like me. I'm a quart deep on coffee at 9:30 AM. My first urine of the day was neon yellow, and I'm all tweaked out. Other than that I'm perfect.

I think I ate 69 mini pieces of bratwurst, weisswurst and potato pancakes last night. They were passed around on a tray by authentic German waitresses. The outfits of one of the authentic German waitresses made the restaurant experience a million times better. The husky, busty German woman had her curvy figure (and enormous bosoms) stuffed into a traditional German dress. There was cleavage spilling everywhere. It was tremendous. After my second giant mug, I was absolutely smitten. After my fourth giant mug, I was ready to tell her I loved her. After my fifth giant mug...I crawled home, unfurling noxious pork farts the likes of which haven't been smelled since...the last time I ate a lot of German sausage. Nobody won.

What made the night better (and this morning worse) was the discovery of two taps in a corner of the restaurant. I could fetch all the Spaten Oktoberfest beer I wanted without having to go to the bar. It was awesome. And costly.

I feel old and bloated right now. I will count the hours until I can retreat home.

12 comments:

TJ said...

I've got Phase 1 and Phase 2 going myself...though I was pretty sure Phase 3 was Profit, but what do I know...

rob said...

and that's...one to grow on.

TJ said...

Now we know...

And knowing is half the battle.

Rhymenocerous said...

I forgot to mention the cherry on top of my night: I left the bar/restaurant and hopped a cab to the train station. I had the worst cabbie ever. He took such a bad route that I missed my train, giving me 35 minutes to kill at NY Penn Station. So I did what any normal person would do - I went into the Houlihan's in the station and ordered a scotch, drinking it alone while watching Fox News. On mute.

TJ said...

That's the only way to watch Fox News.

Mark said...

That final pic of the sausages makes me sick.

rob said...

why, teejay, you've made so much progress over the past 24 hours.

TJ said...

It's also the only way to watch MSNBC.

Zoltan said...

At least you didn't wake up in Tuckahoe and then walk home along the train tracks.

rob said...

but cnn - turn it up loud to listen to campbell brown. mmmm.

Rhymenocerous said...

Zoltan forgot to add "again" to his post.

And he didn't tell me not to pass out and wake up in Mt. Kisco and have to take a $40 cab home. Again.

Zoltan said...

News in Florida: http://tinyurl.com/5r29xa