Thursday, October 30, 2008

T.J. Helping T.J.

For some odd reason, T.J. Whosyourdaddy felt the need this week to guarantee that his 0-8 Bengals will not go winless this year:

Bengals wide receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh told Adam Schefter of NFL Network that his team, currently 0-8, will not finish this season 0-16. “If the season ends and we don’t win a game,” Houshmandzadeh said, “I will walk from my house to the NFL Network studios.”

In fact, in what can only be describe as sadly comical, he guaranteed the Bungles would win TWO games this year. Well, honestly, the guy might be dead wrong, but I thought we'd at least take a look at Cincy's remaining slate to see if we can find those two imaginary wins for my boy T.J...

Week 9: Jags come to town
The Jags just lost at home to Cleveland. Shaun Rogers single-handedly destroyed Jacksonville all day long. They will be one pissed off bunch this weekend. 0-9 here they come.

Week 10: Bye
Insert whatever lame bye joke you want here. Or whatever weird ass photo someone emails you.

Week 11: Eagles come to town
Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Jim Johnson will blitz the shit out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. I imagine that will lead to a 12-31, 179 yds, 2 INTs line for Mr. Harvard...and yet another loss for Houshmandzadeh's Heroes.

Week 12: At Pittsburgh
Thursday nighter vs. Steely McBeam, having played (and most likely been mauled by Philly) four days earlier. If I may steal a phrase from the gents over at Mr. Irrelevant, the countdown to epic fail continues.

Week 13: Ravens come to town
Hold the phone. Might we have something here? Home game against a division rival, most likley 0-10 at this point, playing for pride (I would hope). Perhaps Joe Flacco gives this one away. Perhaps. We might've just found Win #1.

Week 14: At Indianapolis
The Colts will be desperately trying to make the playoffs. The Bengals will be coming off their first win of the season, which sadly will make their millionaire asses complacent. Colts in a laugher.

Week 15: The Skins come to town
As much as I would enjoy saying the Bengals win this one, I simply don't see it. But if they did win, man oh man would I want to catch Czabe Monday morning...

Week 16: At Cleveland
I know what you're thinking, here it is, Win #2. Not so fast my friend. By this point Carson's brother has been installed as Cincy's QB and his game proves to be Leaf-esque. A pick 6 or two, some fumbles...in fact he almost gets Houshmandzadeh decapitated on one throw early in the game. Browns win, setting up this doozy...

Week 17: Hosting the Chieves...get the Futility Bowl t-shirts ready
Honestly, at this point, we could be watching 1-14 vs. 1-14. The Bengals should intentionally lose this game if that's the case. But they won't, and will muster enough offense to beat the hapless Chiefs, who for shits and giggles replace Herm at halftime with Ty to see if anyone notices. They don't. Jordan Palmer outduels Tyler Thigpen. Laughter and tears and vomiting follow.

So T.J., we did it man. I got you to 2-14 (though I still think you should tank and end up 1-15, but what do I know). Something to be proud of, I guess. And seriously, if Marvin Lewis doesn't get fired after this season, I demand a full investigation into what blackmail material he has on owner Mike Brown.

17 comments:

Geoff said...

That week 17 Chieves-Bengals game has the potential to set a record, I'm guessing--most aggregate losses in any NFL matchup ever.

TJ said...

I've spent the last ten minutes on profootballreference.com and I have yet to find anything remotely close to a possible 1-14 vs. 1-14 matchup.

The Kotite 1-15 Jets, the 2-14 Chargers from a few years back...they were playing .500 or so clubs in the last few games of the season.

TJ said...

Speaking of Ty, USC is favored by 44.5 over Washington this weekend. And I wouldn't even hesitate taking USC.

TJ said...

I enjoy this new banner ad:

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Zoltan said...

I hear that TJ enjoys playing the skin flute, not the pan flute. Dah-dum-dum!

How can you tell if you have appendicitis? A gallstone? An ulcer?

Dennis said...

Yeah, that USC-Wash game in the pick em was for you Teej...

Me, I'll take the points.

Greg said...

The title says "Rays Fan" but it was just an ordinary guy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MufTb-D4AcE

rob said...

i'd see a gastroenterologist, z-man, and i'd do it now if you've had pain that's persisted for any length of time. none of those three options are much fun.

rob said...

so i'm decidedly torn about the news that joe morgan may lose his job as espn's top baseball analyst.

on the one hand: good, that pompous prick has been bringing jon miller down for years.

on the other hand: does that mean fire joe morgan would disband, and if so, fuck.

Whitney said...

Well, Misery Loves Company is still hanging around after 3 World Series Championships in 5 years. Not going away, not changing the name . . . despite people's requests for both.

rob said...

how would you know?

TJ said...

You two need a moment to work out some stuff?

Mark said...

Rob and Whitney...acting like an old gay couple on the internet for over a decade!

rob said...

i was gonna argue with mark, but there's not much untrue about that statement.

Zoltan said...

3 WS championships in 5 years? I though you were a Mets fan Whit?

TJ said...

It's so nice to have Buckhantz back in my life.

Whitney said...

I am a Mets fan. I'm the Misery part of the equation. Our new addition Nick is a Phillies fan. And Teejay roots for the Beelzebubs.